How to find a balance between gushing vs. not saying anything nice?

[ktgrok]

To the OP, compliments are my love language as well, and I also compliment others. Nothing means as much to me as when my mom compliments me on how I'm raising my kids. I'd rather than than 100 gifts from her. Same with my hubby. So I understand, and I agree, it is an easy habit to start saying one nice thing to people when you see them.

[MariannNOVA]

There was a Northern Exposure episode (remember that show?) that was about this and it has always stayed with me.

 

Ed was trying to become a shaman. He was really, really trying. And this little man "External Validation" kept getting in his way. Throughout the show he learned to get rid of External Validation and find pleasure in the the things he accomplished for his own sake.

 

Everyone has demons. I tend to listen to that little man, External Validation, too. I don't look pretty unless someone *says* I look pretty. I recently changed my style, relatively drastically, and no one really comments. I feel better about myself and that was why I changed my style. That has to be enough, because I can't rely on others to make me feel good about myself.

 

That Northern Exposure episode was in one of the later seasons and is entitled "Heal Thyself". It may be worth it to check it out. I don't know. It helped me so much and almost 20 years later, it still does.

 

 

Very well put. and I loved that show.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[MariannNOVA]

YOU TAUGHT FIRST GRADE???? you never told me this. I would have been recruiting you to come work for me eons ago!!!!

 

Sweetie, I could have told you gifts were your love language simply by the way you killed yourself to finish the cottage before we arrived!

 

Ok, so your dd is not gifts or acts of service. That means she is either physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time. Do any of those sound like her?

 

You are a fabulous mom. And that is NOT a compliment. Just stating a fact.

 

.

 

You are very kind -- thank you!

 

Yes, I've taught K, first, second, fourth, seventh and eighth.

 

Hmmmmm, older dd's language of love? I think it may be quality time -- she loves going to a restaurant, going shopping, going someplace. That isn't good for me b/c I am here in VA and i cannot babysit Or take her to any of those places. What you say makes sense though: when they come to visit, her'gift' to me is always that she and her dh will stay with the kids so DH and I can go out and have time alone.

 

From halfway around the world, you have solved a 33 yr old puzzle for me.:grouphug:

[funschooler5]

Now, I would take the "Your house is so clean" compliment to mean "Wow, your house isn't dirty...for once." Sort of like the Miss Manners rule about not commenting on a person's weight loss, because it insinuates that the person was previously too fat.

[Myeightkiddies]

I haven't read all the responses (having another migraine). I just wanted to say that even if people do not comment doesn't mean that they don't think it. They could be thinking to themselves how wonderful the house looks and how great you are doing. Later, they may mention it to a relative or friend. Their impression gets passed to others.

 

We all enjoying hearing how well we are doing, especially when we put forth the effort to do so. Everyone is different. All you can do is be sure to compliment someone else because you know how good it feels.

[Myeightkiddies]

I wanted to share this.

 

When I was in my early 30s, it was a real struggle to keep the house clean. No one ever commented. A few years later I joined a group of ladies that discussed home management, cleaning, cooking, etc. They were going to read and discuss a Don Aslett book. I knew that my friend had one, so I asked to borrow it. She grabbed it quickly from her room and gave it to me.

 

At the meeting I was flipping through I saw some of her hand-written notes. On a page that listed goals, she wrote, "...to have my house look as clean as Dorothy's does." Reading that meant so much. I had no idea people noticed. As I mentioned in the above post, people notice even if they don't say anything.

[Kirch]

I have to say that as far as the house goes, I do hope no one really notices and just assumes that it's always that way. I won't work too hard to disabuse them of that notion! :tongue_smilie:

[MariannNOVA]

May I share something that I read some time ago that I found amusing:

 

Do you have a dirty house but relatives are coming over for the holidays?

 

Here is my suggestion:

Keep several get well cards on the mantel. When your guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

 

Happy holidays!

[I.Dup.]

I read this entire thread. I get the whole "words of affirmation" thing. I get that the OP even considers herself a "gusher."

 

What I don't get is the motivation behind the house cleaning, dressing kids up all cute, and the rest. Are you doing it because you want to be complimented? Or because you want the house to be clean and the kids to look a certain way? Is your work/effort only worth something to you if someone else notices it?

 

I mean, I put extra effort into getting the house clean if guests are coming, but I don't expect them to exclaim over my spotless house. I keep my kids' clothes clean and neat, but I don't take them out expecting someone to comment on how nice they look. :confused::confused:

 

If someone came in my house and said, "OH it looks great in here! You must have spent a lot of time cleaning!" I would wonder what was wrong the last time they visited. Several years ago, my MIL gave me a vacuum cleaner two out of three Christmases and I spent months trying to figure out the problem with the way I kept house. (Note to all future MIL's: don't give your DIL a vacuum cleaner unless she asks for one :glare:)

 

Nope, don't do it to get compliments, not particularly cared about what people think. But it really bothers me for some reason when people are invited to my house, spend time in my house and around my family for an extended period of time and can't even say one nice thing? Just one? "Oh, your kids are so well-behaved" (they are, for the most part). Or "you're so busy and yet you do a good job keeping X, Y, or Z neat. Good on you." or "I love all of the pictures you have hanging around."

 

Why is that such a big deal? I mean, obviously we spend a lot of time getting things ready for them, neat, clean, hospitable, I have candles burning, the house is clean, my children are well-dressed, etc. Is saying one nice, measly thing really a big deal? Saying things like that to other people is just second nature to me (and when I say it, I do mean it although like I said, I should tone it down).

 

It is just so nice to hear something nice, especially when people are in my home or around my family, kwim? I think a lot of this is related to having a larger than average family. It's harder to keep things neater, people know I'm busier than average, it's just more difficult overall. So an encouraging word is especially appreciated but I was wondering if I was some kind of freak show and apparently I am. :lol:

 

To the OP, compliments are my love language as well, and I also compliment others. Nothing means as much to me as when my mom compliments me on how I'm raising my kids. I'd rather than than 100 gifts from her. Same with my hubby. So I understand, and I agree, it is an easy habit to start saying one nice thing to people when you see them.

 

Thank you, I'm glad someone understands. :)

 

Thank you too Shanvan, I'm glad you understand as well. :001_smile:

 

Now, I would take the "Your house is so clean" compliment to mean "Wow, your house isn't dirty...for once." Sort of like the Miss Manners rule about not commenting on a person's weight loss, because it insinuates that the person was previously too fat.

 

Several of you have mentioned that and I don't analyze it like that at all. I'm just so thankful when I receive some, any, even an ounce of encouragement from people who know me. I'm sure a lot of this does have to do with my insecurity, I'm always questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing a good job. Sometimes it's just so nice to be told "you're doing a good job." lol

Edited August 25, 2012 by blessedwinter

[annandatje]

I think you need to get over it. To a lot of people that just comes across as wanting a lot of attention and being needy.

 

I wouldn't expect company to gush over a clean house. When we visited my son and his wife at their new house I told them how much I liked the house. I'd never make a remark about cleaning.

 

Spontaneous remarks are fine, and I make them. But I don't want to feel pressured to always compliment this or that. See "needy" above.

 

:iagree::iagree: Just as I would never comment on someone's house being unkempt, it would not occur to me to remark about a meticulously clean state either. Regarding clothing, I may mention an outfit I especially like, but truly I can never get too excited about what people wear.

 

If you are feeling that your contributions to the household are underappreciated, come right out and honestly tell your husband and children that you would like for them to occasionally acknowledge your hard work. A frank request for a deserved compliment is much more honest than a fishing expedition.

[Rosie_0801]

Ok, so your dd is not gifts or acts of service. That means she is either physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time. Do any of those sound like her?.

 

Or food. I can't believe the guy who wrote that book forgot something so fundamental. :svengo:

 

Rosie

[fraidycat]

I am not any type of doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night ;), but I'm going to take a wild guess based on the 5 Love Languages that your LL is Words of Affirmation.

 

Anybody else who shares that LL will probably be a complimentary person. As in "do unto others...".

 

For the other 80% of people who "do unto others" according to their LL, compliments are not high on their priority list for giving OR receiving. My LL is not Words of Affirmation and I don't receive compliments well - especially not on stuff that I see as my responsibility (house, clean kids, etc.) I will compliment on a specific item such as a cute shirt if I notice it, but I don't specifically look for things to compliment.

 

I expect an expression of appreciation every now and again. Thanks for supper. Thanks for putting away my mess, etc. But I do not expect, want, or need a compliment for it. If I did something really huge that I feel deserves extra attention I will flat out tell my hubby "I Rock - You're Lucky to have me." and he will goodheartedly agree.

Edited August 25, 2012 by fraidycat

[MomatHWTK]

I am not any type of doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night ;), but I'm going to take a wild guess based on the 5 Love Languages that your LL is Words of Affirmation.

 

Anybody else who shares that LL will probably be a complimentary person. As in "do unto others...".

 

For the other 80% of people who "do unto others" according to their LL, compliments are not high on their priority list for giving OR receiving.

:iagree:

[MariannNOVA]

Or food. I can't believe the guy who wrote that book forgot something so fundamental. :svengo:

 

Rosie

 

 

I was going to come back here and ask if food was one of the languages and if not, why not? It is DEFINITELY my dh's language of love.....that and 'listening' as in being a captive audience while he does his information dump.