Your role in your extended family

[Sahamamama]

Have you ever come to a point where you deeply questioned the viability/desirability of your role in your extended family? For example (my case), my roles are/were:

 

• with my mother -- to be the Comforter/Counselor/Consoler
  
• with my father -- to be the Scapegoat/Pack Mule/Butt-of-Jokes/Target Practice
  
• with my sister -- to put up with whatever @#$@#$ she dished out
  

Obviously, I'm questioning these job assignments. ;) If you have "redefined" yourself with parents and/or siblings, how did you manage it? How did it turn out for you?

[Dory]

I had to break away from a large majority of my family for almost a year. When I started to have contact with them again I was very very clear on what I would not do and what I would do. I didn't always verbalize, but I wrote out things for myself and mentally went over what things I was no longer ok with. I also read a book called 'Boundaries'. It helped somewhat.

[marbel]

Oh man.

 

In my family I am the youngest of 3, but in practice am the oldest. I was the shy timid kid but ended up being the family peacemaker, caregiver, funeral arranger, estate executor... Yes, I questioned those roles many times.

 

I must admit I've not redefined myself completely, though I did begin doing things on my terms when my father died. (My mother lived 10 years after he died but she was my greatest supporter.) When my sister started to question the way I was handling our mother's will and such, I told her I'd be happy to resign and she could take it over. Suddenly I was doing a great job! :lol:

 

My sibs and I are not close, but guess who they call if they need advice or a shoulder to cry on? At least no one asks me for money... anymore. :001_huh:

 

And actually, I refuse to give any sort of advice, because that has always come back to bite me. So maybe someday they'll stop that too. We're all getting old, though.... ;)

[ApronMama]

I was Marriage Counselor for my parents as a young adult. I finally told them to cut it out and they did, but I also realized that I like to fix things I see could work better and contributed to creating that role for myself. That may not be true for you, but it was for me.

[Sahamamama]

I had to break away from a large majority of my family for almost a year. When I started to have contact with them again I was very very clear on what I would not do and what I would do. I didn't always verbalize, but I wrote out things for myself and mentally went over what things I was no longer ok with. I also read a book called 'Boundaries'. It helped somewhat.

 

Thanks, Dory.

[LucyStoner]

"the responsible one" - the kid my parents could count on to not be getting arrested or drink or do drugs or skip school or do poorly in school.

 

"the caregiver/planner/worker" - the one who would make sure people were taken care of when sick. My brothers were AWOL much of the time my mom was sick with cancer. We did 95% of the appointments, the surgery post care periods, did her shopping, cleaned her house or paid a service etc. When she died nearly all of the arrangements, costs and tasks fell to me and my husband. We did what needed to be done and I cherish the time spent with her.

 

And unfortunately at times the "money tree". I have paid medical bills, emergency living expenses etc for parents and siblings. I have shut most of this down but I still augment my dad's living expenses- gas, food etc. My dad has lived with us 4 times in the last 8 years.

 

I have firm zero drama boundaries with my brothers and dad now. They know I won't get pulled in and they know I won't write people off in anger. They also know I won't entertain gossip from any of them about anyone in the family. This makes my life much easier. I made this choice about 4 years or so ago and it has worked well. I don't resent the work I do in the family and I don't keep score on what I get back or not. I call it the meeting my family where they are at plan.

Edited August 8, 2012 by kijipt

[kalanamak]

I am clearly "#2 sister". (I don't mind this ... she is over 20 years older than me...:lol:)

 

I am the person who is called when someone is dying.

[Just Kate]

I hate my role in my extended family. I am the youngest of two (actually the youngest of all of my cousins on both sides of my family) and I have had some unfortunate years financially. My older brother OTOH is quite successful. My family is very supportive of me, but I hate it that I'm "that kid" who can't seem to get her act together. It stinks...

 

Hopefully, due to a new job I can leave this role behind eventually. I really, really hope so.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Jumped on a plane and said, "See Ya."

 

Got inside the cabin, liftoff, started snickering to myself.."not." :lol:

[justLisa]

I am the one everyone asks everything to. EVERYTHING. I don't know why.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I get invited to all official functions where I play the role of "mannerly daughter who will help, and who will speak politely to the people we want to impress," knowing full well that I'll be stuck with boring strangers, dirty dishes, childcare of random kids, sending DH to pick up and fetch people entirely against his will, and hearing how much better everybody else is than I am while I'm doing all the work.

 

The work of the middle child who is the oldest girl. This was my mother's role and I can't believe she doesn't see that she's got me in the same place. It's been 20 years, so I don't expect change. I have finally got smart enough to not run and do this for every holiday and minor event, but they can count on me for weddings, births, and funerals, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.

 

Edited to add: I'm not done. I'm also the only female of my generation who can comprehend my mother's complex re-heating and table-setting instructions. Nevermind that all it ever is is making meatloaf or chili, or making deviled eggs, or fixing a relish tray from vegetables that are obviously in the fridge, or getting out a crockpot and turning it on, or setting the table as every American knows how to do, or making coffee or iced tea or something. The rest just ignore the instructions or claim ignorance, knowing I'll do it. And I always do.

 

Once I asked my Mom why she never praised me or my family, ever, while counting on me to do all the work socially and domestically, and counting on my kids to be well-behaved, etc. So it's obvious she somewhat approves of us, so why do I only hear how great everybody else is. She looked totally boggled and said, "Well, you know you're doing a good job! You've got a great family and I can always count on you. It would feel as weird as praising myself. I'm just telling you the news about everybody else."

 

So there you go. I am her mini-Me.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Remudamom]

I seem to bring everyone together because I'm the only one who doesn't live in our hometown, and apparently they don't all get together a whole lot unless I'm visiting. Sad.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Remudamom

[justLisa]

Jumped on a plane and said, "See Ya."

 

Got inside the cabin, liftoff, started snickering to myself.."not." :lol:

 

:lol::lol:

 

I'd love this at times

[Lovedtodeath]

Wow. We get to start fresh with a whole new extended family. Thank you for helping me see the silver lining.:)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I seem to bring everyone together because I'm the only one who doesn't live in our hometown, and apparently they don't all get together a whole lot unless I'm visiting. Sad.

 

That is sad. I wouldn't want to be the glue.

[LibraryLover]

I'm The Safe Place. The Party House.

 

Nothing bad will happen here. DH will put your arse in your car (or cab) if you are acting like a butthead.

 

Even people not on speaking terms will attend events at our place, because they know they will be safe.

 

I once pulled my own father quietly aside as he entered my house, with his eyes rolling at my mother and her fiancee. I flat-out said to him, "If you don't act like a big boy, a gentleman, we will physically put you in your car." My parents are divorced. (That was about 20 years ago, and we never had to act on the threat.) I have to say, my family might get squirmy, but we are not a loud or violent people. I would have to put the locks on the doors if that were the case. Or I'd leave the country. :auto:

 

If you're in my home, you behave. I don;t mind warning folks. My children and my peace of mind come first. There will be no mayhem here.

Edited August 9, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Dory]

I'm The Safe Place. The Party House.

 

Nothing bad will happen here. DH will put your arse in your car if you are acting like a butthead.

 

Even people not on speaking terms will attend events at our place, because they know they will be safe.

 

I once pulled my own father quietly aside as he entered my house, with his eyes rolling at my mother and her fiancee. I flat-out said to him, "If you don't act like a big boy, a gentleman, we will physically put you in your car." My parents are divorced. (That was about 20 years ago, and we never had to act on the threat.) I have to say, my family might get squirmy, but we are not a loud or violent people. I would have to put the locks on the doors if that were the case. Or I'd leave the country. :auto:

 

If you're in my home, you behave. I don't mind warning folks.

 

That's it, I'm moving to your house. Then if my family tracks me down there will be someone there with enough backbone to put them in their place. :D

[LibraryLover]

That's it, I'm moving to your house. Then if my family tracks me down there will be someone there with enough backbone to put them in their place. :D

 

 

:) My patience is thin for stupidity, and especially if my children are here.

 

My dh is the kind of person who will look you firmly in the eye, speak clear words in a kind voice, and make you realize you're being a jerk. It's very interesting.

 

People listen to him. Even if he's had words with you, you will call him later for advice. He does it in a way that puts you in your place, but also lets you save face. I've learned a lot from him.

Edited August 9, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Rosie_0801]

I was the one whose character could and should be dissected at every family gathering. If I was to believe the gossip about myself, I'm a nastier piece of work than that machine gun kitty avatar! I stopped talking to most of them ages ago. :)

 

To my siblings, I'm the bossy older sister. They come to me if they want to be lectured, which is odd, but hey, I'm good at it. :P I say what I think, they ignore me, and everyone carries on happily, heheh.

 

In my ex-inlaw family, I was the outsider. Lucky for them I have a sense of duty...

 

Rosie

[Heather in Neverland]

I went from "glue that holds everything together so no one else has to do anything"

 

To

 

"the one who lives on the other side of the earth" :D

[Maverick_Mom]

To quote Victoria Secunda, the author of When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends, I am a defector -- or an outcast, depending upon how you look at it. My mother could not co-exist with my husband (or anyone who threatened her sphere of authority) and refused to work with me to improve our relationship, so I chose my husband and I have no regrets whatsoever. The rest of my extended family sided with my mother because they felt sorry for her and didn't want to be outcasts, either.

 

So maybe it's more accurate to say that my role in my extended family is that of persona non grata. ;)