Kathryn Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'm outside watching my boys play with the boys next door, who are each about a year older than mine (so, newly 8 and 4). They've been playing a lot more recently. The boys are the most polite little guys I have EVER encountered. I would love for them to be great friends if it weren't for the parents. The mom moved in two years ago with the boys. The dad showed up later. We thought that was kind of odd at the time, but didn't think a whole lot of it. Earlier this year, DH would often hear them yelling at night. Then one night the police and ambulance came. Next-door neighbor on the other side told us that the older boy had told her that his dad was being really mean to his mom and he was scared because dad has a gun. She told him to come to her house anytime he was scared. So, this night the husband had beaten wife badly, the older boy tried to go next door and dad wouldn't let him. She also told us that mom moved here to get away from him but that he hired a detective to find her. Dad eventually ran off that night and mom was taken to the hospital where she stayed for a few days. Police told us to call 911 immediately if we saw him. He came back the next day, I called and left the house. We were told he was charged with CDV and kidnapping as they tried to leave and he wouldn't let them. He was gone for months and her brother moved in. Dad is back now as of a month ago. My problem is that the boys are getting closer and DS has asked if they could come over to our house (so far, they are outside friends). I deflected the question, but I know it's going to come up again and I don't know what to say. Like I said, these are great boys, but I don't want my boys going in their house so I don't feel like I can say they can come in mine and I don't know how to verbalize all this. ODS does know what all happened next door as he saw it and we had to explain that it wouldn't be nice to ask his friend about it. Any suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug: Tough situation. Personally, if I was in this situation, I would be okay with letting the children play in my house/yard, especially if they are so polite. I would not let my kids go over to their house. I would just say something like "I prefer to keep an eye on my children so I would rather you play here" or something like that. I would be polite but cautious with regards to the parents. Sounds like a troubled situation. There may or may not be a gun but the husband certainly sounds dangerous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 At those ages, I never had a problem saying that certain kids could play at our house if their parents allowed it, but my kids could not play over there. In all honesty, no one questioned it too much, because most parents are quite delighted to NOT be the house o' play, lol. Kids sometimes asked, and I simply answered with some variation of because I said so, or because those are my rules. If a parent had asked, I was prepared to say pretty much the same thing. "My kids don't have permission to play at your house, but it's fine if you want to let your kids play here. If you prefer, they can all just play outside." It never came down to it for this particular rule, but I have had parents question other stuff, and my response is generally, "I find that's it's easier to just state my rules, and not discuss them." You have to develop thick skin to deal with other parents, or they will walk all over you and keep you on the defensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 My dd had a friend whose parents I really didn't trust. We just had a rule that dd could invite the friend over any time, but she could never go there. It worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabeline Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 We just moved from a similar situation. The neighbor girl across the street used to come over and ask to play with my boys. They would all play in our open back yard. I didn't know the parents at all so I wasn't comfortable having her in our home. But after a few months of playing together she would ask to come in when it was raining. Because it rains so often here in the PNW, it was often. She was always respectful to me and played nicely with both my boys. From what she told my boys she had a rough environment at home. She never asked my boys to play at her house. She was a great playmate for my boys and they were sad to leave her behind when we moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug: Tough situation. Personally, if I was in this situation, I would be okay with letting the children play in my house/yard, especially if they are so polite. I would not let my kids go over to their house. I would just say something like "I prefer to keep an eye on my children so I would rather you play here" or something like that. I would be polite but cautious with regards to the parents. Sounds like a troubled situation. There may or may not be a gun but the husband certainly sounds dangerous. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 We have had one of these kids. He is 8, same age as DS. DS feels badly for him, because his dad has been in jail a couple times etc. Mom is always yelling, drinking, etc. He comes over, but I *never* let them out of my sight. You just don't know what they hear at home. This kid is such a sweet boy though, he just has a rotten home life and who knows what he sees/hears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 My oldest had several friends with homes that were not safe enough. None of those parents was ever angry that their child could play at my house but my child could not play at theirs. In junior high my dd was friends with the senior pastor's child and his wife had a rule that her dd could have friends over, but could never spend the night at someone else's house and although I was annoyed, I never called her out on it. Her dd finally spent the night here last Christmas Vacation at the age of 22, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 We have a similar dynamic witha family on our street. Mostly the kids ride bikes, although occasionally they come to our house. The issue of my kids going there has honestly never come up. I suspect that either the children or the parents recognize the problems inherent in their situation, and purposely don't invite my children over. My oldest daughter knows that they are not allowed there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 That's right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 let them come to your house (and I would give the same answer as neighbor on other side, they can come anytime they feel scared.) - you do NOT have to allow your sons to go to their house, *especially* if that dad is there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? Yes. Your kids are still very young, and I see no reason why you'd have to explain yourself to them. If the other kids ask about it, just say you need your kids to be at home where you can keep an eye on them, but that they are welcome to come over and play at your house. There's no need for drama. Just be matter-of-fact about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? Yes. Given the age of your youngest, I would simply use that as an excuse, should any questions arise. I doubt they will, though, at least not from the other family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Wow those poor kids. Mom needs to keep violent $%%$@%&*? Dadaway from the kids. I can't stand this. Def in this case, the safety of yr kids way, WAY trumps the feelings of these crazy adults. Please keep yours away from that house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Yes. Your kids are still very young, and I see no reason why you'd have to explain yourself to them. You can play the part of the over protective homeschooler :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 You can play the part of the over protective homeschooler :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: You know, I actually had that exact phrase typed in my post, and then I deleted it because I didn't want to sound too helicopter-parent-ish. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delirium Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) I agree that I would definitely encourage the friendship. They sound like they need some examples of loving families. If asked why they can't play there, I'd say I'm just not comfortable with it. If mom presses, I'd explain exactly why, she knows and should understand why you wouldn't want your boys in a potentially harmful situation. ETA: Others have a much better idea, pretend to be a helicopter parent! Edited July 31, 2012 by Delirium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? Yes. You are the parent of your kids and you make the rules. If asked, just say it is your preference that your kids play in your house/yard. Repeat as necessary. No other explanation is needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 And it might not even come up. The other parents may well not want other kids over there- even parents with nothing to hide can be the kind who are happy to let their kids play at your house but never want to host kids at theirs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? Don't explain. Just cheerfully invite them to your house and show them love and friendship every time you see them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Heck I don't let my kids ride in a car with my one married adult stepdaughter or spend the night at her house despite the fact my youngest kids are the same age as hers. Let's just say I have a good reason or two. I wouldn't explain anything. I have plenty of family and neighbors who just assume I'm a bit overprotective......goes right along with homeschooling, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Heck I don't let my kids ride in a car with my one married adult stepdaughter or spend the night at her house despite the fact my youngest kids are the same age as hers. Let's just say I have a good reason or two. I wouldn't explain anything. I have plenty of family and neighbors who just assume I'm a bit overprotective......goes right along with homeschooling, I guess. :iagree: Don't give a reason. The children might ask, your kids can just say "because my mom said no". Adults won't ask. They will probably assume you are overprotective. That works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 So, what you're all telling me is if I let them play here, I won't have to explain why thy can't play there? You NEVER have to explain your parenting decisions. Never. The only time this particular situation gets tricky is when you are friends with the parents, and you want to allow your kids to visit certain houses, but not theirs. An actual friend is likely to want an explanation. Mos tof the time, though, it's not a friend (and usually not someone you are chomping at the bit to be friends with in the future). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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