Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 My sil (dh's sister) did something to me that really made me mad. I hung up on her and we have had almost zero contact since. We speak at family get togethers then move on. She did send me a note congratulating me on my weight loss but no apology for her behavior. Dh was estranged from this sister for about 14 years and one day she came walking up our walk like nothing had ever happened. So we made nice and accepted her back. She is a public school teacher and imo very condescending to me. Kids still do stuff with her which is fine with me, they see her for what she is, take what they want and ignore the rest. I will not go to her house anymore. Never did enjoy it anyhow and now I don't want to talk to her. She still talks to dh but 90% of the time when she tries to talk him into something he declines. The kids fuss at me to forgive. I'm bad at this but I know I should get over it. Everyone knows what she is like, I mean everyone in the county. Can I justify being so fed up with her that my behavior is acceptable? I would really get over it if she would apologize, but she won't. I'm just finished dealing with her. And btw, she was really stupid to mess with me. I was her main backup when she needed help with her mother. Now she's alienated her previously willing Plan B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 There are really two questions here, and you are tangling them up. 1. Should you forgive her? Yes, you should. Everyone makes mistakes, and we are called to forgive. Holding on to anger only hurts us, not them. 2. Should you spend time with her? Not if you don't want to, not if it wouldn't be healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 You can forgive her and still not want to be friends. Family does not equal friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Forgiveness does not = reconciliation. You can forgive someone, release them from any debt they owe you, let go of the anger and hurt, but still not welcome them back into your life, still continue to choose not to have a relationship w/them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 IMO, forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is for YOU. You are the one that is suffering from the pain of unforgiveness, not her. It doesn't affect her one bit that you are upset. You really should forgive her, with or without an apology from her. Also my opinion, the apology is for HER. It is for her to acknowledge she did something wrong to you. It often makes the offended feel better to hear from the offender, but it isn't required to choose forgiveness. However!! That doesn't mean that you should walk blindly back into the relationship. If it's not a healthy relationship, maintaining appropriate distance from her is probably a good call. Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of my own issues with people in my own life. None of the above comes easily to me though I do know it to be true in my life. *jumps off soapbox* HTH in some way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 There are really two questions here, and you are tangling them up. 1. Should you forgive her? Yes, you should. Everyone makes mistakes, and we are called to forgive. Holding on to anger only hurts us, not them. 2. Should you spend time with her? Not if you don't want to, not if it wouldn't be healthy. :iagree: Yes, forgive in your heart, but if putting yourself in her company puts you at further risk for bad feelings, there's nothing wrong with avoiding her. She is a "near occasion of sin" as we Catholics would say. :grouphug: The kids probably need to learn the lesson that you can forgive someone without having to socialize with them. Be nice to all, but you don't have to be Best Friends With All. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug: I am at the point in my life where I figure toxic people such as your sil are not worth the time and trouble. Good news is she is your sil. She is your husband's sister so she is his problem and he seems to have worked things out where he can deal with her on his terms. You are civil to her when you see her and I think that is all that is required. Sounds like she did not really go out of her way to be respectful of you. It is her loss that she decided to alienate you. Maybe she will finally figure it out. PS - I agree that forgiveness is a good idea (for your own benefit). But that does not mean you have to put yourself in a situation where she can mistreat you again. Explain to your children that you DO forgive Aunt so and so but since you and she do not always see eye to eye you have decided to minimize contact. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 There are really two questions here, and you are tangling them up. 1. Should you forgive her? Yes, you should. Everyone makes mistakes, and we are called to forgive. Holding on to anger only hurts us, not them. 2. Should you spend time with her? Not if you don't want to, not if it wouldn't be healthy. :iagree::iagree::iagree: I agree with the other PP as well that forgiveness is about you and your attitude/feelings towards her, not about what she does or if you continue contact or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 There are really two questions here, and you are tangling them up. 1. Should you forgive her? Yes, you should. Everyone makes mistakes, and we are called to forgive. Holding on to anger only hurts us, not them. 2. Should you spend time with her? Not if you don't want to, not if it wouldn't be healthy. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I agree with the others that forgiveness doesn't mean going back to being buddies. I think your kids are probably seeing the two as the same because they want to see your and your SIL interacting again. You may need to help them understand that you can forgive her but you don't want to pursue a relationship that she will just wear down again and again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :grouphug: I am at the point in my life where I figure toxic people such as your sil are not worth the time and trouble. Good news is she is your sil. She is your husband's sister so she is his problem and he seems to have worked things out where he can deal with her on his terms. You are civil to her when you see her and I think that is all that is required. Sounds like she did not really go out of her way to be respectful of you. It is her loss that she decided to alienate you. Maybe she will finally figure it out. PS - I agree that forgiveness is a good idea (for your own benefit). But that does not mean you have to put yourself in a situation where she can mistreat you again. Explain to your children that you DO forgive Aunt so and so but since you and she do not always see eye to eye you have decided to minimize contact. :001_smile: ETA my sil has done some things to upset me . . . she can be a generous person and is a good Aunt, but I like to keep her at a distance because her behavior can be somewhat problematic at times. It helps us that she is 3 hours away! Don't know how things would be if we lived closer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Agreeing with much of what was said above, but also, as much as I understand the temptation to hang up on someone, and have done it, it's almost never the right thing to do. It says, "You're an idiot not worth my energy anymore." There may be valid issues that make it so you don't want to spend much time with the person, but I do think you have something to apologize for, too. Our priest says, "Being right doesn't matter, humility matters." :grouphug: Edited July 30, 2012 by milovaný Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Could be that she viewed the card as an olive branch - if she sent it after the incident. Some people have a hard time with asking for forgiveness. I agree with those that have said forgive but minimize contact or set good boundaries. It may help to talk with your dh about this and agree on what is acceptable and what isn't. Assisting with your MIL is probably more of a benefit to your MIL than SIL. At least it would hurt your MIL more than your SIL if you stopped all help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 Dh says forget it. I hung up because she was yelling and cussing and it was the best option. I had tried reasoning with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Dh says forget it. I hung up because she was yelling and cussing and it was the best option. I had tried reasoning with her. In this case you set a boundary that you were not going to listen to abusive language. You can still speak to her. If she refers to the incident you can calmly say: "I like to give people some time to cool off and avail themselves of civilized language before I engage in conversation." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 In this case you set a boundary that you were not going to listen to abusive language. You can still speak to her. If she refers to the incident you can calmly say: "I like to give people some time to cool off and avail themselves of civilized language before I engage in conversation." Does that mean I can't say "Don't you cuss at me you %$%#&!!"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 you can forgive someone without embracing them back into your life. By your description, you don't need this kind of a person in your life. Your kids need to be informed that forgiveness has to do with your heart, letting go of bitterness and the right to get even, but you don't have to be good buddies afterward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :lol: Some ppl aren't worth the energy it takes to constantly reinforce boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :D Yes, it means you can say: Don't cuss at me." But leave the &%$ out of it. Otherwise you would have lowered yourself to her level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I know exactly what your going through. You can forgive. But someone said "Forgiveness does not=reconciliation". How true that statement is. You can forgive her within yourself, and FOR yourself. It doesn't mean you have to pick up the phone and physically apologize. Forgiveness is always for you, never for the other person.It's a hard thing to do, because along with that, you have to learn to let things go. Something *I* have issues with, because I am a principal person. But I have also realized that if someone continues with the same kind of behavior over and over, it just isn't worth the air you breathe. The best thing I have found when I get myself all worked up and angry about it, is think back as to why I no longer associate with certain people. That usually puts things in perspective for me. Or.........I come on here to vent.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Just gonna share a current family situation. My mom has an older sister who she has a horrible relationship with. This sister was known for constant boundary violations, lying (including saying she was abused and had repressed the memories), peeing on cop cars, calling cps on my mom and various other things that made my mom HATE her. Last month, after 3 months of sobriety, my aunt was tested for ADHD and it came out a glaring positive. She is 54 and just discovered this. The change in her is dumbfounding.......and makes me sad for her. My mom is all confused. She has seen me with ds1 and knows what ADHD with impulse control issues looks like. She has educated herself on ADHD and supports me when I get worn thin. But, how does she just forgive 50 years of torture from her sister (yes her sister was very physical with her)? She can see that this diagnoses fits like a glove. She sees that her sister is working hard on healing, but my mom is stuck. There is so much pain and anger. My aunt has been a real threat to my mom's nuclear family, and yet in hindsight she can see the undiagnosed condition. OTOH, I am relieved to finally understand the genetic path this took through me to my kids. Living with a family member like this is like living with a live grenade that you love. What is sad, is living with themselves is like being a live grenade when you do not want to. :( A month ago, I would have just said I have a psychotic aunt...who was at times a ton of fun. Now, our entire family is having to look at things differently. I guess what I am getting at, is that even when you have a reason to forgive, it is still hard. And maintaining the ability to forgive, but not engage takes a lot of strength. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I hung up because she was yelling and cussing and it was the best option. I had tried reasoning with her. And that's just why I said "almost never." I would have hung up if I were being yelled and cussed at, too. I had a situation once where I was being yelled at and called ugly things -- in my own home -- and I just grabbed my phone (to call my husband) and walked away. Same thing as hanging up on someone. There are times when that's the only thing that can be done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would stay away from her, but I have no tolerance for people who are not going to be nice to me. And if someone was yelling and cussing at me on the phone I would probably ignore them forEVER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 You can forgive her and still not want to be friends.Family does not equal friendship. :iagree: As far as I'm concerned forgiveness isn't for the person so much as it's for you. Forgive, and move on is my motto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I am in almost the EXACT same situation...down to the ex friend being a public school teacher. She is a compulsive liar and drama maker. It is not healthy for me or my family to be around her. I hung up on her the times she cussed and yelled and screamed....I refuse to be spoken to like that. I have forgiven her a bunch of times for a bunch of different things. This last situation escalated and I blocked her from my phone and refuse to ever speak to her again. She never recognizes and apologizes for what she does. I get that. I forgive her without an apology because I think she has a more serious issue and we are told to forgive 77x7 times in the Bible. I feel we absolutely have a right to forgive and have no contact. I need to keep me and my family safe and healthy. I feel that I conducted myself the way I should and that I have forgiven her and am not carrying anger and the rest is between her and God. I think you handled it perfectly fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 :lol:Some ppl aren't worth the energy it takes to constantly reinforce boundaries. :iagree: Emotional energy still is energy that is used and can zap the life right out of ya! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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