s/o "sensitive" people

[tntgoodwin]

Over my time here on the boards, I have noticed that (seemingly) many of you refer to your children as "sensitive." I am referring to emotionally, not physically. I have several questions for you.

 

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

 

Thanks in advance!

[elegantlion]

I'm a highly sensitive person. I characterize as a personality trait more than a flaw, much like being introverted. I started reading this book, The Highly Sensitive Person. I never made it all the way through the book, but some of it fit me.

 

I think I'm a bit different than some of what I see on here about children getting emotional about TV content or movies.

 

My parents didn't shield me, but I always felt safe with them, if that makes sense. My parents weren't always aware of how sensitive I was about things, and they certainly had no training to deal with it. They just loved me, which was often enough.

 

It's hard to explain because I've always been this way, but it's kind of like being a betazoid on Star Trek, you can feel things way more than normal. It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

Coping? I'm 45 and have overcome a lot of issues, but I can look back and see where being this way (and not realizing it) has hindered some of the choices I made. I let it dictate how many risks I took and avoided some things I wanted to do in life because of the fear. It's not the fear of failure, it's much deeper than that. It can turn into a lot of self-image issues if you don't recognize it. Why am I not doing these things when everyone seems to be able to cope? - that type of stuff.

 

Part of my coping was marrying someone who was total type A, choleric, personality. He's taught me a lot about not letting every single thing get to you. He's also very much my protector in some areas. It's not even a submissive wife thing, I'm really not that, but it's about my sensitivity to issues, which have driven him crazy from time to time throughout the years. We balance each other, I've taught him how not to plow through things and stop to smell the flowers once in a while.

 

I still cope by compartmentalizing my life. In work I've learned to be assertive and work hard to get the job done. That is one of the reasons I see homeschooling as a job, I can detach some of the emotion from it, so I don't take some of the failure and setbacks as personal. They are job obstacles to overcome. In my home life I keep things simple. Aesthetics are important, I don't know if that's a sensitive thing, but my household must have a sense of calm.

 

There is also part of me that stays detached from everything and it's where a lot of my fear and emotions stay safe. I have to allow myself to go there at certain times otherwise I get overwhelmed. It's beyond the introverted I need alone time thing. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and need an emotional break. It's not on the horizon right now. I can function just fine, but part of me wants to go hide in the bedroom for a few days.

 

Okay, this is probably way more than you want, but it's kind of helped to type it all out. I don't see it as a flaw, I don't have anything like ADD or OCD, I'm just overly sensitive about everything and I know it. I also have short legs and arms and use a step stool in the kitchen to reach the top cabinet. So it's kind of like that. It's part of who I am, and everyone once in a while I need something to help me out to get the job done. I think I'll dig out that book again, thanks for the reminder.

[tntgoodwin]

Awesome, thanks for your response! It wasn't too much at all. :)

[Jenny in Florida]

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

I have no idea how common this kind of thing is. I know that many of the kids we've known over the years are sensitive in one way or another.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

It's just a personality trait, not a disorder.

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

Many of the especially sensitive kids I've known have been unusually bright. And it makes sense to me that, if you are a person who thinks more or more deeply about things, you might be more "sensitive" to the world around you.

 

But that's just my personal observation.

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

It depends on the kid, the kind and degree of sensitivity, the age, etc. We've always tried to respect our kids' feelings and needs while still gently prodding them to stretch when they can.

 

But that stretching has to have a genuine justification, beyond just trying to "toughen up" a kid. So, a child who is sensitive about certain subject matter in films or books could be encouraged to read something that is of very high quality that would be a shame to miss. The kid could be prepared by the parents, discussing in advance what to expect, then get frequent check-ins along the way.

 

We've found that certain of our kids' sensitivities have been eased by a gentle, gradual approach, while others were made much worse by pushing too hard.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

Young. I don't remember not knowing it about either child.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

Yes, I was and am sensitive. I never "grew out of it," just learned to cope. And that has been almost entirely a lonely and individual process, because my parents were not at all understanding or accepting about the whole thing.

 

As an adult, I have the freedom to manage my own life. I can choose not to read books or see films I know will be problematic for me. I can choose to stretch to read or see something when I understand it's "worth it." Having gotten to this ripe, old age, I know that I can handle anything life throws my way, even if it's awful. I'll still be upset, still have nightmares, still be haunted by certain images or ideas, but I'll cope.

 

My kids, especially my daughter, are on a similar path. The issues never go away, I don't think. We just learn to manage them.

[Mama Anna]

I haven't done a lot of study in this area, but I can answer a bit from my own experience.

 

First of all,

 

I think "sensitivity" has a spectrum. Some children at the more severe end may have other issues that contribute to form a quantifiable, medically recognized condition. For my dd, I think it's simply a personality trait.

 

Why do I consider dd8 to be "sensitive?" Well, all of her emotional reactions to things tend to be exaggerated. From the time she was 2 years old, she was like this. When she's happy she's enraptured. When she's unhappy she's "in the depths of despair." She has a low frustration threshold and is incredibly concerned as to what others think of her. (Of course, she's also 8 years old, which may have something to do with it right now, but then most of these things have always been true.) She has nightmares easily and only recently has been able to handle stories where everything doesn't end happily ever after.

 

I've read definitions of sensitive children that do not jive with dd's characteristics. Sometimes the term seems concerned with ESP-like sensitivity to others' emotions, etc.

 

How do we handle it? With difficulty! I try to expose her to low doses of frustration regularly in a supportive environment so that she can learn to deal with it (ie, Math). We regularly talk about being overly concerned about what others think. We spend time working on "not allowing her emotions to control her." I often keep upcoming fun events secret from her in order to avoid the drama that ensues if they get canceled or delayed. So I protect her in some ways and work on exposing her to her troubles in others.

 

Neither dh nor I are as sensitive. Both of us were socialized the hard way in public school as children, though, so between our scars and our callouses it's hard to judge our original sensitivity.

 

As for dealing with the real world, she has to do that through friends. I try to walk with her through it and advise her when I can. She's going to get hurt - there's nothing I can do to keep that from happening. My job is to try and help the hurt have a positive impact in who she becomes.

 

HTH!

Mama Anna

[Soror]

 

My parents didn't shield me, but I always felt safe with them, if that makes sense. My parents weren't always aware of how sensitive I was about things, and they certainly had no training to deal with it. They just loved me, which was often enough.

 

It's hard to explain because I've always been this way, but it's kind of like being a betazoid on Star Trek, you can feel things way more than normal. It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

Coping? I'm 45 and have overcome a lot of issues, but I can look back and see where being this way (and not realizing it) has hindered some of the choices I made. I let it dictate how many risks I took and avoided some things I wanted to do in life because of the fear. It's not the fear of failure, it's much deeper than that. It can turn into a lot of self-image issues if you don't recognize it. Why am I not doing these things when everyone seems to be able to cope? - that type of stuff.

 

Part of my coping was marrying someone who was total type A, choleric, personality. He's taught me a lot about not letting every single thing get to you. He's also very much my protector in some areas. It's not even a submissive wife thing, I'm really not that, but it's about my sensitivity to issues, which have driven him crazy from time to time throughout the years. We balance each other, I've taught him how not to plow through things and stop to smell the flowers once in a while.

 

I still cope by compartmentalizing my life. In work I've learned to be assertive and work hard to get the job done. That is one of the reasons I see homeschooling as a job, I can detach some of the emotion from it, so I don't take some of the failure and setbacks as personal. They are job obstacles to overcome. In my home life I keep things simple. Aesthetics are important, I don't know if that's a sensitive thing, but my household must have a sense of calm.

 

There is also part of me that stays detached from everything and it's where a lot of my fear and emotions stay safe. I have to allow myself to go there at certain times otherwise I get overwhelmed. It's beyond the introverted I need alone time thing. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and need an emotional break. It's not on the horizon right now. I can function just fine, but part of me wants to go hide in the bedroom for a few days.

 

Okay, this is probably way more than you want, but it's kind of helped to type it all out. I don't see it as a flaw, I don't have anything like ADD or OCD, I'm just overly sensitive about everything and I know it. I also have short legs and arms and use a step stool in the kitchen to reach the top cabinet. So it's kind of like that. It's part of who I am, and everyone once in a while I need something to help me out to get the job done. I think I'll dig out that book again, thanks for the reminder.

:iagree:

'

 

That is totally me. I'm in a lock yourself in the closet kind of mood because it does get overwhelming at times. I can be highly empathetic which can be good and really bad.

 

I sense things off about people before they do and have a very high standard for trusting people and push back very quickly if I feel I cannot fully trust someone, it is a defense mechanism.

 

My parents didn't shelter me but I've often thought it would have been so nice to be hs'd for that and other reasons. I can also be assertive to a fault at times. My husband is generally laid back and does try to understand although it is difficult to him, he very, very often says that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I compartmentalize as well, I do that a ton.

 

I'm in the coping mood, that describes it very well. I've learned to turn it off at times but then I need lots of time to myself to work through it as well. I'm generally very, very chatty but sometimes need just silence to process it all.

[Onceuponatime]

There is so much to Elegantlion's post that I could have said myself. Needing to feel safe, valuing calmness, detachment as a coping mechanism, aesthics in the home, marrying someone not like me who is good for me, self image issues, etc., etc., etc.

 

I feel like I've finally realized who I am and have accepted myself for who I am in the last couple of years, and I'm 47. What is hard is opening up and letting go of the thought that others will judge me for who I am, when I did for so many years. What they say about "finding yourself" is true, it is liberating.

 

A sensitive child may be very good at hiding that sensitivity, especially if they are not nurtured and accepted for who they are. My parents were clueless. My mother tried too hard to draw me out and make me into her image, which caused a rift between us in my teens. My father is so easy going that nothing fazes him, so it is hard for him to understand.

 

Added: Someone else has mention esp like qualities, that comes up a lot in my life. My kids notice it. My father believes that kind of intuition runs in our family. He says I am a lot like my grandmother, who I believe was also a highly sensitive person.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Onceuponatime

[Soror]

Why do I consider dd8 to be "sensitive?" Well, all of her emotional reactions to things tend to be exaggerated. From the time she was 2 years old, she was like this. When she's happy she's enraptured. When she's unhappy she's "in the depths of despair." She has a low frustration threshold and is incredibly concerned as to what others think of her. (Of course, she's also 8 years old, which may have something to do with it right now, but then most of these things have always been true.) She has nightmares easily and only recently has been able to handle stories where everything doesn't end happily ever after.

That is me as well. It makes a person feel quite bipolar. I had nightmares until after I got married, all the time. I was still going into my parent's bedroom to sleep when I'd get real scared in high school(part of that made worse by end of the world videos from church) I don't do any kind of horror. I cannot stand to even watch someone get embarassed on tv.

I've read definitions of sensitive children that do not jive with dd's characteristics. Sometimes the term seems concerned with ESP-like sensitivity to others' emotions, etc.

That is totally me. I called a friend a few weeks back. WE had a conversation that morning and I was worried about her and from some things she said I heard her heading in a very bad direction, although she was happy and cheerful when I talked to her. When I called her she told me she had a breakdown and was crying in the bathroom, literally at the moment I called. I just knew it was coming, even if she didn't. I also am acutely aware when things are going bad in a relationship. I've predicted that more than I want and see things even when others don't or don't want to

How do we handle it? With difficulty! I try to expose her to low doses of frustration regularly in a supportive environment so that she can learn to deal with it (ie, Math). We regularly talk about being overly concerned about what others think. We spend time working on "not allowing her emotions to control her." I often keep upcoming fun events secret from her in order to avoid the drama that ensues if they get canceled or delayed. So I protect her in some ways and work on exposing her to her troubles in others.

 

 

You have to go slow, some just comes with time. My parents tried to push me into things and I hated every second. They highly encouraged me to play basketball. Thankfully I stunk so I was never put in until the last game we were winning by a mile, I begged the coach to let me stay on the bench. The chance of embarrassment was unbearable. I joined cheerleading but quit on our first home game. I hate being concerned about what others think, that is the worst part to me and the focus of a lot of prayers on my part.

 

I was fairly popular in school though, how I don't know but I'd often hide in the bathroom when teenage drama was too much.

 

I did blossom in college. I ended up giving speeches around campus and as I said often find myself in leadership positions. I always did well in school so that gave me great confidence.

 

 

 

My own kids do not seem overly sensitive. #2 (out of 3) is somewhat that way but not near to the extent that I am, or so it seems. I hadn't put together that connection before though. My first and third though are very, very laidback, thank goodness.

[Jpoy85]

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

I think its both.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

L is "sensitive" emotionally because she went through something traumatic in her life and is emotionally sensitive because of it. She even had RAD at one point (Attachment Disorder)

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

I dont know

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

I shelter her and it does bug other people that i "baby" her.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

2, shes 4 now and still the same.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

I was not sensitive. No adult children. Im hoping L will outgrow it, but because she is so little and about to be too old for services (IE: Help Me Grow) I cant get her the help id like her to get.

[minuway]

Just in case anyone is struggling with a particularly sensitive child: _Raising Your Spirited Child_ is a good resource for those with super sensitive kids. I have two that I would consider sensitive, although at different levels. Sometimes it is just a child who a bit more reactive to stimulus than other kids, but for other kids they are so sensitive to various things - their environment, other people, their emotions, everything - that it almost looks like a mood disorder (which is one reason I had been looking for books like this one).

 

Understanding the idea of Ovexcitabilities (this is from a site on Giftedness, but it can show up in any child) also helps.

 

I was very sensitive as a child, so I identify a lot with how they are feeling. Everything is more intense to them. In my experience you don't outgrow it, but you do learn coping tools along the way (hopefully).

Edited June 6, 2012 by minuway

[Soror]

re: Autism, Aspergers, etc

I don't think it is related to those things at all. If anything it seems to be the opposite on the social spectrum (from my understanding of such things) we are overly aware of other's feelings and thoughts. Whereas people with those issues have trouble recognizing such things. I wonder about the correlation to brightness or such. I did really well in school and college and did well enough on the IQ test, although I'm certainly far from an Einstein.

[Stacia]

It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

This sentence *really* resonates w/ me.

 

I'm a highly sensitive person. However, unless you knew it, you probably wouldn't notice it as I come across as somewhat Spock-like (rational, unemotional) a lot of the time. So, even though I'm highly empathetic (to the point it can be emotionally crushing), I'm also very analytical. I was the same way as a child -- not one of these kids who ping-pongs back & forth between extreme emotional states, rather a kid who was on a even keel almost all of the time, calm, etc.... I guess I'm pointing it out because I don't associate being 'sensitive' w/ being the type to show extreme emotional states -- probably the opposite because when I'm overwhelmed, I want to get away/crawl in a hole/be alone rather than have some outburst, kwim? For me, being 'emotional' probably shows up like I'm shy or want to be alone.

 

Through time, I've learned what I'm comfortable w/ and what I'm not comfortable w/. I have no problem excusing myself from something that will crush me on the inside, walking away, etc.... For example, I know it sounds silly, but I can't read Black Beauty or animal stories in general. My dd loves horses & animal stories, but she always knew those were ones she would have to read to herself instead of getting them as a read-aloud. :tongue_smilie: Hunger Games is another example. I started reading it & found it so crushing to my soul that I couldn't continue. Otoh, I have seen the movie Gladiator (which I didn't like), read The Book Thief (for which I sobbed), etc.... I can & do handle things, but I do try to pick & choose when possible (movies/books/certain friendships/etc...). I know life has its own ideas & I just cope as needed for situations that arise.

 

I'm extremely sensitive to sounds/noise of any kind (& I think silence is highly underrated in US society today) & also to smells (to a lesser extent than noise). I do need plenty of time on my own (introvert/quiet) to recharge & help me deal w/ things. Perhaps being extremely sensitive goes along w/ being introverted?

 

My sister always jokes that if she wins the lottery, she'll buy me a sensory deprivation chamber. (I hope she wins the lottery. :lol: A sensory deprivation chamber sounds like bliss.)

 

My ds is very much like me as far as being sensitive. I try to maintain a mix of respecting his sensitivites & pushing him out of his comfort zone a little bit too.

 

Well, those are just my rambling thoughts....

[mommymilkies]

:iagree:

'

 

That is totally me. I'm in a lock yourself in the closet kind of mood because it does get overwhelming at times. I can be highly empathetic which can be good and really bad.

 

I sense things off about people before they do and have a very high standard for trusting people and push back very quickly if I feel I cannot fully trust someone, it is a defense mechanism.

 

My parents didn't shelter me but I've often thought it would have been so nice to be hs'd for that and other reasons. I can also be assertive to a fault at times. My husband is generally laid back and does try to understand although it is difficult to him, he very, very often says that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I compartmentalize as well, I do that a ton.

 

I'm in the coping mood, that describes it very well. I've learned to turn it off at times but then I need lots of time to myself to work through it as well. I'm generally very, very chatty but sometimes need just silence to process it all.

:iagree: I was a very gifted and not even slightly overprotected child. I am ADD and have anxiety issues as an adult. I am very emotionally sensitive. I have learned to bottle it up and I hate showing emotion, though. It was not ok as a child to cry in front of my mom. She took it very hard and overreacted, so I still won't cry in front of people. I get physically pained when I see roadkill or animals being hurt. I am sensitive about people, too, but I have trouble relating to them. I am very socially awkward and completely introverted. Even a small amount of social interaction outside of my "circle" drains me physically and emotionally.

 

I was pushed by my extroverted type A mom growing up. She wanted me to outgrow all of this. Instead, I feel it has made it far worse. It's a personality issue.

[Element]

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

I think it is common for most kids to have a certain degree of sensitivity at times. I don't think it is as common for a sensitive kid to remain so through the years.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

It is more like a personality trait. I don't think you could determine that my ds is sensitive by talking to him for an hour or so.

 

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

I don't know about any children other than my own, but my ds (who is the more sensitive of my two) does have "some other things going on."

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

I expose him to things to which he is sensitive in the nonfiction realm. There are certain things in life (history is the subject in which unpleasant things come up most often) that have to be taught, learned, and dealt with. I tend to shelter him in the fiction realm a little more. He enjoys fantasy fiction (think The Hobbit) and will shed a tear when a main (non-human, non-known-animal) character dies but he wants to continue the book and read future books. The big issue he has is when a child or animal (a real animal, not a made-up Narnian animal) dies. He just can't get it out of his mind and he has a hard time sleeping.

 

Kids and animals die in real life. That stuff comes up in nonfiction reading. I don't feel the need to expose him to it in his fiction reading if he doesn't want to be exposed to it. He dealt with the loss of a friend's dog this year. I don't think he has to read Bill Wallace's "A Dog Called Kitty" to learn how he personally would deal with the negative emotions that come from losing a beloved pet.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

It really hit me when he was four. The landscapers accidentally killed my lilies and he just cried and cried. It wasn't a normal reaction, IMO, and I started to notice other startling reactions to certain situations.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

 

I was not a sensitive child at all. I read every spooky, disturbing book I could get my hands on. When I was in college, I had a job at Blockbuster and worked my way through the horror section alphabetically. I read crime novels and loved to visit famous graves and cemeteries. Once I had kids, I definitely changed. Now I don't really like any of that stuff. As a paralegal, I've read/seen one too many horrific "true crime" cases and I don't seek it out any more. In fact, as I said in another thread, I don't even watch the news. I like NPR because it's kind of a broad version of the news rather than the headline-driven news available on traditional "news channels" but other than that I don't seek out "news."

[Soror]

This sentence *really* resonates w/ me.

 

I'm a highly sensitive person. However, unless you knew it, you probably wouldn't notice it as I come across as somewhat Spock-like (rational, unemotional) a lot of the time. So, even though I'm highly empathetic (to the point it can be emotionally crushing), I'm also very analytical. I was the same way as a child -- not one of these kids who ping-pongs back & forth between extreme emotional states, rather a kid who was on a even keel almost all of the time, calm, etc.... I guess I'm pointing it out because I don't associate being 'sensitive' w/ being the type to show extreme emotional states -- probably the opposite because when I'm overwhelmed, I want to get away/crawl in a hole/be alone rather than have some outburst, kwim? For me, being 'emotional' probably shows up like I'm shy or want to be alone.

I do that as well. I can come off as cold as times. When our house burned I never cried until a few years later and I certainly couldn't cry when everyone was there. It would make me too vulnerable. You learn to put on a face. It actually drives me crazy when others are overly loud and dramatic w/ emotions, which my dd2 does.

 

I think about things a lot, sometimes too much. But your wording is perfect it can be quite crushing. Thinking about logic and facts has been quite helpful to me. When I'm dwelling on the emotions of things I try to go over these things and to help myself stop being so tied up in things. Dh and I were having a discussion the other day and he couldn't understand why I was letting something bother me. I had to tell him it is something I know is not logical but I just cannot deal with it right now. I force myself at times to do things I know I need to do but then end up pulling back as well as I get myself out "there" too much.

I'm extremely sensitive to sounds/noise of any kind (& I think silence is highly underrated in US society today) & also to smells (to a lesser extent than noise). I do need plenty of time on my own (introvert/quiet) to recharge & help me deal w/ things. Perhaps being extremely sensitive goes along w/ being introverted?

 

.

 

Smells don't bother me, but I don't like visual or verbal chaos. Minimalism suits me well for this reason.

 

Oh, this is so timely as I'm sitting here today very anxious about some relationships. So, I'm working on the budget which requires thinking about something entirely differnet while the kids play in the water on the deck. I've always loved numbers and math, they have rules and there is no emotion, just the facts. I love making lists as well, it helps me try to order things. I need to be engaged but I cannot right now. I'll have to force it today.

Edited June 6, 2012 by soror

[Maus]

I'd like to answer, too. I'm a sensitive person. My mom is. My youngest brother is, and of my three kids, my son is. (I think it's tougher to be a sensitive boy.)

Over my time here on the boards, I have noticed that (seemingly) many of you refer to your children as "sensitive." I am referring to emotionally, not physically. I have several questions for you.

 

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

It's not that unusual, but I think a homeschooling group is likely to have a higher percentage. Public school is really tough for sensitive kids, especially boys. They tend to be bully magnets. My brother was called "cry-baby" and worse. (Trying not to be specific, but crude names that questioned, uh, his orientation.)

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

I vote personality trait. And not a bad thing: just inconvenient in the dog-eat-dog world at times.

 

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

I believe so, though I'm not as familiar with the link to autism or ADHD. (I wouldn't think autism, though.) You see it a lot in gifted kids. The theory is that their heightened perception doesn't match their young maturity, or something like that.

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

A mix for my son. Some sheltering until we think he can wrap his intelligence around whatever it is, then gradual, carefully explained exposure.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

There were some signs as early as two (night terrors, etc.), but it was pretty clear by four.

 

Were you sensitive as a child?

Yes.

 

Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

Thanks in advance!

You grow out of it to a certain extent when you reach the level of maturity where you can see shades of gray. Before that, my parents were somehow able to teach us (my brother and I) that teasing stops when you don't react. I haven't yet been able to get my son to grasp this. For both my brother and I, life took a fairly sudden turn for the better right around High School, when diversity became a little more accepted and we could gravitate to interests where sensitivity was valued. (Like music.)

 

I had a some advantage over my brother as a younger child in that I had a pretty high sense of fair play. I took on bullies physically twice in grade school, both times when they were picking on someone else. (I would never, ever have been so bold for myself.) That gave me a certain amount of playground cred :lol:, and I wasn't picked on nearly as much as many of the other sensitive kids. (No bravery on my part: both times, I was just suddenly intensely mad and struck, and both times, they were so surprised, they turned and ran.)

 

(Sorry for laughing there, but you have to know, I was literally THE smallest kid in 2nd grade during the first incident. I was an 8 year-old who still wore size six. We were walking home from school, my other brother - not the sensitive one - and I. He was in K, so he had to walk with me. A boy, not small, from my class who lived the other direction and shouldn't have been there was in my brother's face. We tried to ignore him and I was trying to walk between him and my brother, and I finally just had it, and smacked him over the head with my lunch box.

 

I don't remember this part, but apparently, his parents came barging over to our apartment, yelling, until....my parents called me out to give my side. They saw how tiny I was and cooled down considerably. Then my parents asked my what happened, and when I explained that he'd been picking on my Ker brother, they rather meekly apologized and went home.)

[tntgoodwin]

I tear up during certain songs. Music has a way of impacting me emotionally. But at the same time, I certainly don't try to avoid those songs. I may even seek them out.

I also teared up watching the Hunger Games, and October Baby.

And I teared up reading Bridge to Teribithia as a kid.

 

I never thought of myself as sensitive though. Hmmm.

[Stacia]

I vote personality trait. And not a bad thing: just inconvenient in the dog-eat-dog world at times.

 

...

 

A mix for my son. Some sheltering until we think he can wrap his intelligence around whatever it is, then gradual, carefully explained exposure.

 

:iagree:

[Soror]

I think sensitive parents would be more likely to hs, I know it is certainly plays into my decision. I was talking to my mom one day about that and she was floored that I found school to be so miserable. As I said I was fairly popular and did very well academically. I was never picked on, was liked by the guys when I was older. She didn't grasp how it was like for me. I couldn't talk about it, I seen it as defect on my part. I've learned to be able to detach from things better these days though and can share more than I used to.

[Stacia]

I tear up during certain songs. Music has a way of impacting me emotionally. But at the same time, I certainly don't try to avoid those songs. I may even seek them out.

I also teared up watching the Hunger Games, and October Baby.

And I teared up reading Bridge to Teribithia as a kid.

 

I never thought of myself as sensitive though. Hmmm.

 

I think there's a difference between feeling emotion (totally normal, such as tearing up for a song or certain memories, crying for a good book/movie, etc...) vs. feeling emotionally crushed by the intensity of emotion (even over seemingly 'small' things like good music or a touching story), kwim?

 

Imo, one can certainly feel emotions (isn't that what humanity is, after all?) w/out being 'sensitive'. Sensitive types need coping mechanisms to deal w/ things that others would be able to process more easily (i.e., one person might tear up at some music this morning, but is fine later; whereas, a sensitive type might tear up at the music, but still be impacted by it hours, days, even many years later).

[Element]

Understanding the idea of Ovexcitabilities (this is from a site on Giftedness, but it can show up in any child) also helps.

 

:iagree::iagree:Learning about OE in some gifted children was probably the single most helpful thing for me (as a parent, dealing with a gifted/sensitive kid.) Although I have become more sensitive in real life, I am not naturally a sensitive person. I'm an ENTJ- an analytical, extroverted, no-nonsense person who saw sensitivities as nonsense. Reading Dabrowski's work on the Theory of Positive Disintegration and Overexcitabilities was really helpful after my ds was identified as gifted. Some of the things he did started to make a lot more sense to me and I have since learned to be more compassionate and patient with him.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm a highly sensitive person. I characterize as a personality trait more than a flaw, much like being introverted. I started reading this book, The Highly Sensitive Person. I never made it all the way through the book, but some of it fit me.

 

I think I'm a bit different than some of what I see on here about children getting emotional about TV content or movies.

 

My parents didn't shield me, but I always felt safe with them, if that makes sense. My parents weren't always aware of how sensitive I was about things, and they certainly had no training to deal with it. They just loved me, which was often enough.

 

It's hard to explain because I've always been this way, but it's kind of like being a betazoid on Star Trek, you can feel things way more than normal. It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

Coping? I'm 45 and have overcome a lot of issues, but I can look back and see where being this way (and not realizing it) has hindered some of the choices I made. I let it dictate how many risks I took and avoided some things I wanted to do in life because of the fear. It's not the fear of failure, it's much deeper than that. It can turn into a lot of self-image issues if you don't recognize it. Why am I not doing these things when everyone seems to be able to cope? - that type of stuff.

 

Part of my coping was marrying someone who was total type A, choleric, personality. He's taught me a lot about not letting every single thing get to you. He's also very much my protector in some areas. It's not even a submissive wife thing, I'm really not that, but it's about my sensitivity to issues, which have driven him crazy from time to time throughout the years. We balance each other, I've taught him how not to plow through things and stop to smell the flowers once in a while.

 

I still cope by compartmentalizing my life. In work I've learned to be assertive and work hard to get the job done. That is one of the reasons I see homeschooling as a job, I can detach some of the emotion from it, so I don't take some of the failure and setbacks as personal. They are job obstacles to overcome. In my home life I keep things simple. Aesthetics are important, I don't know if that's a sensitive thing, but my household must have a sense of calm.

 

There is also part of me that stays detached from everything and it's where a lot of my fear and emotions stay safe. I have to allow myself to go there at certain times otherwise I get overwhelmed. It's beyond the introverted I need alone time thing. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and need an emotional break. It's not on the horizon right now. I can function just fine, but part of me wants to go hide in the bedroom for a few days.

 

Okay, this is probably way more than you want, but it's kind of helped to type it all out. I don't see it as a flaw, I don't have anything like ADD or OCD, I'm just overly sensitive about everything and I know it. I also have short legs and arms and use a step stool in the kitchen to reach the top cabinet. So it's kind of like that. It's part of who I am, and everyone once in a while I need something to help me out to get the job done. I think I'll dig out that book again, thanks for the reminder.

wow. you just described me. This is so absolutely the way that I live my life.

 

I have one of my four who is a sensitive soul. Hers goes beyond the way that she takes things in to how things feel and smell. Not only is she emotionally sensitive, she has a heightened senses about smells, flavors and sensation. She has no ADD etc. that I am aware of, nor do I.

[Soror]

Understanding the idea of Ovexcitabilities (this is from a site on Giftedness, but it can show up in any child) also helps.

 

You just blew my mind. I've never heard of that. It makes me want to cry to even read that. All these things I had no idea were related are put down in lists and explanations. Being sensitive or overexcitably, however you want to define it, can make a person feel quite crazy in this world.

[ssavings]

DD5 is highly a sensitive and unusually perceptive. The Betazoid comparison was very accurate, for both DD and me.

Over my time here on the boards, I have noticed that (seemingly) many of you refer to your children as "sensitive." I am referring to emotionally, not physically. I have several questions for you.

 

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

DD5 is highly sensitive. I don't think it's unusual, necessarily, but also not common.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

DD has, from a very young age, been unusually perceptive to feelings. She has always had a very high degree of empathy. It's not a disorder, just a personality characteristic. And it's not quantifiable, but it is observable (DD's neurologist and pediatrician both noted at 2 that she was highly perceptive and sensitive to the moods of others).

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

It would seem to me to be the opposite of autism, no? DD is not autistic or ADHD. She tests as "gifted", though, so maybe there's some correlation or causation involved there? Not sure.

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

Depends on age and situation. We're trying to get DD to adjust to various things throug exposure (like annoyance. She's very perceptive to annoyance in other people and in TV/movies, and gets very upset.). Other things we still avoid (pain, specifically, in others and on TV is upsetting to her, and causes a great deal of anxiety in her.)

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

Her neurologist and pediatrician noted it at about 2. I had noted it a bit before then, but around 2 it became obvious. By 3, it was easy to recognize.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

Yes, I was sensitive. I haven't outgrown it, but I'm learning to deal with it. I do have anxiety from it now.

 

Thanks in advance!

[fairfarmhand]

Over my time here on the boards, I have noticed that (seemingly) many of you refer to your children as "sensitive." I am referring to emotionally, not physically. I have several questions for you.

 

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

I'm not sure, since I hide this aspect of myself from just about everyone. I don't know how many of my acquaintances have this style.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

 

In my dd's case, she is on heightened alert for unhappiness and reacts to anyone in the home's upset. Especially my dh and myself. I am much the same.

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

I have no idea. My dd and I both have no extra issues to my knowledge.

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

My parents certainly did not shelter me. In fact, my father was so oblivious to my needs that he unintentionally hurt me with comments, harsh punishments, hastily spoken words, etc. My dd, well, we are more careful about how we interact with her personally, but we do try to help her see that many people are not setting out to wound her intentionally, and she doesn't need to take everything so personally and seriously. Sheltering as far as the world at large....well, we do that to all of our kids anyway. There's so much unhappiness in the world, I like protecting their innocence as long as possible. I do know that my dh is very concerned about this dd's future dating life, since she is easily wounded and taken advantage of.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

From day 1, I could tell that this child was overwhelmed by loud noises, busy environments, and lots of people.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

yes. I was/am. I still compartmentalize things. I come off as calm, but inside I am churning when difficulties come, especially those that affect the ones I love. I tend to keep people at arm's length. It is very hard to open up, because I fear rejection so much and take it so personally. Dh is my protector. He really looks after me.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

I don't think it is something that you grow out of. I think you learn to cope.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I'm a highly sensitive person. I characterize as a personality trait more than a flaw, much like being introverted. I started reading this book, The Highly Sensitive Person. I never made it all the way through the book, but some of it fit me.

 

I think I'm a bit different than some of what I see on here about children getting emotional about TV content or movies.

 

My parents didn't shield me, but I always felt safe with them, if that makes sense. My parents weren't always aware of how sensitive I was about things, and they certainly had no training to deal with it. They just loved me, which was often enough.

 

It's hard to explain because I've always been this way, but it's kind of like being a betazoid on Star Trek, you can feel things way more than normal. It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

Coping? I'm 45 and have overcome a lot of issues, but I can look back and see where being this way (and not realizing it) has hindered some of the choices I made. I let it dictate how many risks I took and avoided some things I wanted to do in life because of the fear. It's not the fear of failure, it's much deeper than that. It can turn into a lot of self-image issues if you don't recognize it. Why am I not doing these things when everyone seems to be able to cope? - that type of stuff.

 

Part of my coping was marrying someone who was total type A, choleric, personality. He's taught me a lot about not letting every single thing get to you. He's also very much my protector in some areas. It's not even a submissive wife thing, I'm really not that, but it's about my sensitivity to issues, which have driven him crazy from time to time throughout the years. We balance each other, I've taught him how not to plow through things and stop to smell the flowers once in a while.

 

I still cope by compartmentalizing my life. In work I've learned to be assertive and work hard to get the job done. That is one of the reasons I see homeschooling as a job, I can detach some of the emotion from it, so I don't take some of the failure and setbacks as personal. They are job obstacles to overcome. In my home life I keep things simple. Aesthetics are important, I don't know if that's a sensitive thing, but my household must have a sense of calm.

 

There is also part of me that stays detached from everything and it's where a lot of my fear and emotions stay safe. I have to allow myself to go there at certain times otherwise I get overwhelmed. It's beyond the introverted I need alone time thing. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and need an emotional break. It's not on the horizon right now. I can function just fine, but part of me wants to go hide in the bedroom for a few days.

 

Okay, this is probably way more than you want, but it's kind of helped to type it all out. I don't see it as a flaw, I don't have anything like ADD or OCD, I'm just overly sensitive about everything and I know it. I also have short legs and arms and use a step stool in the kitchen to reach the top cabinet. So it's kind of like that. It's part of who I am, and everyone once in a while I need something to help me out to get the job done. I think I'll dig out that book again, thanks for the reminder.

 

This is me!! Only add ADD to the mix.

 

I sat at my half-brother's high school graduation a few weeks ago and felt overwhelmed with sadness at all the things I didn't try or do when I was in high school because of that "fear".

[Stacia]

Ovexcitabilities

 

Thanks for the link. I can totally relate to a lot of it (though I abhor the term 'overexcitibilities'; I think the researchers who coined that term must not be sensitive types themselves. :tongue_smilie:)

 

I had to laugh at the part about kids who find smells from the lunchroom distracting.... I've always said I would have an extremely hard time living in an apartment because I can smell the foods that others are making in other apartments (sometimes good, sometimes bad). When we visited Williamsburg once, I woke early in the morning because the smell of bacon & eggs was overwhelming. I thought someone in our group was up cooking & got up. I was surprised to find that everyone else was still asleep, our apt./condo was totally quiet; I was smelling what someone was cooking in another apartment. The smell was so overpowering I had a hard time understanding how everyone else in my group could sleep through it. :lol:

[ocelotmom]

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

 

I was sensitive as a child. I was held back in 1st grade, and I believe this was in large part due to "emotional immaturity" which was actually a sign of a vivid imagination, empathy, and possibly a better than average understanding of the concept of death.

 

I realize that probably Special Snowflaky, but I do think it was true.

 

For example, you have two kids in a tornado shelter. One is crying, one is calmly playing. The one who is crying is picturing herself and all her loved ones getting sucked up in a whirling cloud of dust and debris and getting killed and being dead forever and ever. The other doesn't really understand why we're all hanging out in the basement, and has never really thought about the whole death thing much - that's something that happens to birds, fish, and characters in R-rated movies who get shot, right? The playing kid probably looks like the more mature one in this situation. The crying kid's fears may be overblown (or may not be - is this a thunderstorm and the basement just a precaution, or a strong storm that's been producing F5s?), but they're based in a better understanding of the real potential dangers.

 

I wouldn't say I "grew out" of it, but it's definitely something you can learn to cope with. I'm a nurse. I HATE doing injections, painful dressing changes, repositioning patients who hurt all over, and things like that. Being overly sensitive would mean putting the patient's immediate comfort (and my emotional comfort) ahead of their long-term welfare and not doing my job. I see a lot of less sensitive people telling patients things like "That didn't really hurt" or working as efficiently as possible at the expense of patient comfort. I feel that my sensitivity, combined with my ability to be rational, allows me to walk a line in between the two where I can do my job while being respectful of the patient and mindful of their needs.

 

I was sheltered as a kid, and I honestly can't say whether it was helpful or not. I do think that parents taking the sheltering route need to be aware that highly sensitive kids ARE going to pick up on stuff going on around them, and may be upset without a good understanding of where their fears are coming from.

 

(I also have some weird texture sensitivities - just thinking about the texture of pears gives me the heebie-jeebies.)

 

Many of the especially sensitive kids I've known have been unusually bright. And it makes sense to me that, if you are a person who thinks more or more deeply about things, you might be more "sensitive" to the world around you.

But that stretching has to have a genuine justification, beyond just trying to "toughen up" a kid. So, a child who is sensitive about certain subject matter in films or books could be encouraged to read something that is of very high quality that would be a shame to miss. The kid could be prepared by the parents, discussing in advance what to expect, then get frequent check-ins along the way.

 

We've found that certain of our kids' sensitivities have been eased by a gentle, gradual approach, while others were made much worse by pushing too hard..

 

I agree.

 

I've found that how much I push really depends on the situation.

 

When DS was scared of Scooby Do episodes, I made him push through and see that it came out alright in the end, because I felt that not seeing that would just perpetuate the fear. This was based on some of my own experiences with "scary" movies as a kid - what was going on in my imagination was much more scary than what actually happened.

 

On the other hand, when he was 5, I started reading him Twenty and Ten (about a school that shelters a number of Jewish children during WWII) - I remember reading it in 4th or 5th grade, but it's on the Sonlight Kindergarten list, and is overall relatively tame (kids are in danger, but everyone is safe in the end). DS was resistant to it, and, talking about it, it was clear that it was just too real for him. We have a family friend who is a concentration camp survivor, so it's not just abstract stuff that happened a long time ago. So I decided it was appropriate to wait on that one until he was older and more capable of dealing with it.

Edited June 6, 2012 by ocelotmom

[sbgrace]

This has been a really helpful thread to me. My son is extremely sensitive. I've been trying to understand him more and it's helpful to get other parent perspectives and especially adults who can articulate their own experiences so well. That over-excitabilities link was very interesting. My son is definitely over-excitable and I had never seen that term before.

 

I found this book so helpful. My son is on the far end of a sensitive dreamer. http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Ron-Braund/dp/0785277005 The book deals a lot with the extreme sensitivity described on this thread and how to parent that subset of kids. In fact much of it is about that aspect.

 

I believe it is a personality trait or perhaps could be described as a cognitive trait. My husband is and was sensitive as well and has a similar personality to my son. My son is just more extreme. I think those who fall on that end are on a range of degrees of sensitivity probably. I think my son is on the very far edge while my husband is a little more moderated.

 

Looking back I could see signs from a very young age. I wrote in his baby book in fact that he was the most intense feeling baby and toddler I'd ever known. He was emotionally extreme in his reactions to everything--positive and negative. I realized other things (how easily his feelings are hurt by seemingly nothing, how he is affected by the moods and emotions of others so deeply, his tendency to retreat into himself to avoid negative emotional experiences, his emotional life tied to physical--senses and also how he feels physically--in a very strong way, etc.) as he aged.

Edited June 6, 2012 by sbgrace

[QuirkyKapers]

It's just a personality trait, not a disorder.

:iagree:

 

Many of the especially sensitive kids I've known have been unusually bright. And it makes sense to me that, if you are a person who thinks more or more deeply about things, you might be more "sensitive" to the world around you.

 

 

I sense things off about people before they do

 

:iagree: In fact, I tune in so much, that in the past when I would respond to people, I would go with my "gut feelings/sensitivity" and would freak them out. Most of the time people want you to respond to what they said, not what is underneath what was said! ;) I have also learned that my "gut feeling/sensitivity" to emotion is right almost 99.9% of the time. Even if it seems irrational to others, I know that if I don't follow that sensitivity, I will regret it. I.E. If I think I should say something, not say something, do something or not do something. My husband has learned that if I have a feeling that x,y z will happen and in this way, it almost always will and does.

 

A sensitive child may be very good at hiding that sensitivity, especially if they are not nurtured and accepted for who they are. My parents were clueless.

 

Yes! My parents would ridicule me about "being so sensitive" and that I needed to "lighten up"

 

It's like having your nerves and empathy on high alert all the time. It can be very emotionally draining.

 

:iagree: I am overly in tune with everything around me, at all times. I notice things other people don't. I process things differently too. If 90% of the people see X, I see Y. I score INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging). According to what I have read supposedly INFJ people are very rare. I also have ADHD which means not only do I process things differently, I process more quickly than other too. All these things make me feel pretty isolated. It helps to remember that it really isn't so much that I am isolated, just I feel that way. If I react strongly emotionally to something, I have to re-think and re-frame what went down just to make sure it just isn't my sensitivity to reacting to the emotion of the situation. I have to take the emotion out and deal with the facts. This helps me get a more balance response to what happened.

[LucyStoner]

My older son is definitely sensitive:

 

-He has a strong reaction to movies he considers scary. The list of movies he has not had an issue with is tiny. The list of movies that have scared him include things like "Horton Hears a Who" and "Tangled." Same story with books. He can't stand anything scary or "gross." He is nearly 9 and this is only letting up a little. As in he can now watch things like "Toy Story" and read The Mysterious Benedict Society.

 

-If someone hurts his feelings he holds onto it and often just ices them out completely.

 

-Anyone fighting around him makes him very tense. By fights I mean the kids that live next door playfully shouting at each other like siblings do over the rules of a game or me and my husband mildly disagreeing over where to hang a picture. He hates conflict at any level and lacks the savvy to determine what is a little fight between siblings (NO, I'm not IT, YOU'RE IT!) and a big fight.

 

-If he gets upset, at a certain point he really can't control how angry he gets. His tantrums are fierce, almost like involuntary convulsions. Thankfully they are also now quite rare thanks to great interventions to teach him coping skills and also because we really stay in tune with when he needs to chill out/when he has had enough.

 

He is a 2e highly gifted kid with high functioning Autism and anxiety. I know a lot of kids with HFA who deal with high levels of sensitivity. I can't say all do, but I do believe many do. I think it is triggered by the fear of the unknown and unordered; of not reading social cues well enough to know when people are kidding vs. being serious. Also not being savvy enough to see that the tension (in the movie, in a fight, in a book) is fleeting and will pass. So at times it is a bigger deal to them than it is to a very socially adept kid who can speak up for what they want and need.

 

It became apparent he was sensitive as he reached kindergarten as his peer became more socially adept and he became progressively less so. Though certainly there were hints before- needing high amounts of order and routine as a tot, sensory issues (fear of water for example) and reacting to even the most mild of movies and books.

 

His reactions are very deeply felt and he will be very sad or very angry for a long time. Part of being emotionally adept is soothing yourself during/after things you find a bit or a lot scary or troubling. If you had no coping/soothing skills than the slightest thing becomes a big deal. So you can certainly be overly sensitive/very sensitive and deal with Autism and the challenges it brings as well.

Edited June 6, 2012 by kijipt

[Element]

I agree with pp's that sensitivity seems to be the opposite of what kids on the autism spectrum deal with (Note: I have NO personal experience with kids on the spectrum. I'm only going by what I've read here and elsewhere online.) My ds can be upset and seriously concerned by just a look in someone's eye. People have always asked me how we discipline him since he is pretty well-behaved, and all I can really say is, "We don't. Well, sometimes I have to raise my eyebrow at him." :tongue_smilie: It sounds bizarre, but it's the truth.

 

I also wanted to say that "sensitivity," as we are speaking of it, goes beyond crying over the sad parts of a book or sad songs that we love. I can't speak with firsthand experience of it, but I do know what I've observed in my ds and it goes beyond tears. It appears to cause a serious disturbance in life which can be temporary or long-term. My ds seems to have this emotional "3-D vision" that I (thankfully) don't really have. He doesn't just read/hear/see what is presented. He sees the consequences that could potentially come of the situation, future decisions and difficulties, and the consequences of those future decisions. He sees what led to the situation and what could have been done to prevent it. He feels what the character feels and continues to feel that way long after the book or show is over. It affects him. I'm sure his perceptive abilities will be very helpful to him in high school or college but, at 8, it's a bit too much to handle.

 

So, I do shelter him a bit more than I would shelter a child without such sensitivities. I think that's why he is thriving in a homeschool environment and did not thrive at public school. He can't learn when he is overwhelmed with external or internal stimuli. Reduce the stimuli and can focus more on things like math and Latin, which he really likes.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Element

[sbgrace]

Element, my son has the type of sensitivity you describe. He's extremely tuned into other's emotions, experiences with an emotional intensity I've never seen, is emotionally hurt with a look, and feels character experiences as if he is that character, to mention just a few things. He is diagnosed on the spectrum. I think this sensitivity is independent of such and could be a trait of any child--including those with autism, ADD or etc.

Edited June 6, 2012 by sbgrace

[Element]

Element, my son has the type of sensitivity you describe. He's extremely tuned into other's emotions, experiences with an emotional intensity I've never seen, and is emotionally hurt with a look. He is diagnosed on the spectrum. I think this sensitivity is independent of such and could be a trait of any child--including those with autism, ADD or etc.

 

You're totally right. I should not have assumed to know anything about children on the spectrum. I apologize.

[ocelotmom]

:iagree: In fact, I tune in so much, that in the past when I would respond to people, I would go with my "gut feelings/sensitivity" and would freak them out. Most of the time people want you to respond to what they said, not what is underneath what was said! ;) I have also learned that my "gut feeling/sensitivity" to emotion is right almost 99.9% of the time. Even if it seems irrational to others, I know that if I don't follow that sensitivity, I will regret it. I.E. If I think I should say something, not say something, do something or not do something. My husband has learned that if I have a feeling that x,y z will happen and in this way, it almost always will and does.

 

Same here. This has caused me a lot of stress at times when my perception of the situation doesn't coincide with the obviously apparent facts. Then I'll find out years later that no, I wasn't crazy, XYZ really was happening.

[elegantlion]

Wow, this thread is really helpful to me today. I don't feel so alone or weird. It's also made me see I've been unconsciously brushing off this aspect of my personality and has led to more unnecessary stress. Dh gets a excited about these kinds of seasons, I'm breaking out in hives. I'm going to have to deal with it this week somehow.

 

It also helps explain why the mess on my desk is really getting on my nerves even though it's my mess.

[Soror]

Same here. This has caused me a lot of stress at times when my perception of the situation doesn't coincide with the obviously apparent facts. Then I'll find out years later that no, I wasn't crazy, XYZ really was happening.

 

Yep, same here.

 

It can make marriage interesting when dh tells me that no he isn't mad/upset or such, when I know he is. We had a discussion about that just last week. I have a friend that is the opposite of me and she was talking about how she feels that she cannot have thoughts to herself sometimes etc. I guess that is the way my dh feels because he feels I'm always trying to analyze him or such.

 

I can get easily hurt by a look or such, emotions are often quite palpable to me even when I don't want them to be. I try to limit time w/ certain people due to that.

 

That article talks about an intense sense of rightness, fairness and consistency, that is a HUGE one for me. I cannot comprehend it really. When someone says something or someone is important to them I expect their actions should coincide with that. If they don't then I think they're a liar, either to me or themselves. When I find myself acting in an inconsistent manner it is a source of stress as well.

 

This quote describes me to a T:

Other manifestations include physical responses like stomachaches and blushing or concern with death and depression (Piechowski, 1979). Emotionally overexcitable people have a remarkable capacity for deep relationships; they show strong emotional attachments to people, places, and things (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977). They have compassion, empathy, and sensitivity in relation-ships. Those with strong Emotional OE are acutely aware of their own feelings, of how they are growing and changing, and often carry on inner dialogs and practice self-judgment (Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Children high in Emotional OE‚ are often accused of “overreacting.” Their compassion and concern for others, their focus on relationships, and the intensity of their feelings may interfere with everyday tasks like homework or doing the dishes.

 

I don't like surface relationships actually but because of sensitivity I don't let many in very close, without pretty extensive screening.

Edited June 6, 2012 by soror

[Maus]

 

Thanks for the link. I can totally relate to a lot of it (though I abhor the term 'overexcitibilities'; I think the researchers who coined that term must not be sensitive types themselves. :tongue_smilie:)

:iagree: Actually, the researcher who coined it was Polish. Many think "overexcitibilities" is a poor translation, and that "super abilities" would be closer to what he meant.

[tntgoodwin]

Wow, this thread is really helpful to me today. I don't feel so alone or weird. It's also made me see I've been unconsciously brushing off this aspect of my personality and has led to more unnecessary stress. Dh gets a excited about these kinds of seasons, I'm breaking out in hives. I'm going to have to deal with it this week somehow.

 

It also helps explain why the mess on my desk is really getting on my nerves even though it's my mess.

 

I'm glad!

[Lolly]

Over my time here on the boards, I have noticed that (seemingly) many of you refer to your children as "sensitive." I am referring to emotionally, not physically. I have several questions for you.

 

Is this something I only notice because it is unusual, or is this a common thing and I just don't realize it?

 

You just don't notice it because it isn't that obvious.

You would possibly just think they are undisciplined or spoiled. With some kids, you just wouldn't ever realize it.

 

How do you determine that you have a sensitive child? Is it something like a personality trait, or is it more like a learning disability or something that can be diagnosed with a test? In other words, is it quantifiable?

I don't think there is a test, but I think there could be. My sensitive child has hyper senses. Those could certainly be tested. She hears thinks more acutely. Smells things more accutely, Tastes things more acutely. Feels things (sensory) more acutely. And, feels (emotionally) things more intensely.

 

Is sensitivity noted more in children with other things going on, such as ADHD, or being on the autism spectrum?

 

Are you more inclined to shelter a sensitive child, or to expose them to the things to which they are sensitive?

 

I think that would depend on the parent. Possibly on the child and how they react. It has caused me to do a little of both. Sheltering seems to have been the better option.

 

How old were they when they were determined to be sensitive?

 

We realized it when she was quite small.

 

Were you sensitive as a child? Or do you have adult children that you considered sensitive as children? If so, did you or they grow out of it as they got older? How did they/you do when it came time to be an adult and have to deal with the real world (which can be cold, uncaring, and insensitive at times)?

I don't think I was. Dh is pretty sensitive. Dd is fairly grown. Neither of them have grown out of it. They do learn to deal with it better. Hey, most adults handle situations better than children.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

:)

[Soror]

pespmc1.vub.ac.be/Papers/GiftedProblems.pdf

 

I found this today after reading the article on Overexcitability and going on a few rabbit trails. I found it extremely interesting and illuminating. It specifically talks about women who are gifted and sensitive and just talks alot about general traits and ways of thinking. Perhaps others will find it helpful as well. I've been making a document for dh of info specific to myself because it explains things in a way I'd never put together. I sent the Overexcitability article to a friend today as well and she was so excited and found it helpful for her as a friend as she said it helped her to understand the way I think better.

[Tiramisu]

I just love this thread. I especially appreciate ElegantLion's post and those of the others who jive with her feelings and experiences.

 

I have sensitive children and it took me forever to realize it probably come from me, to a large degree at least. I have a mix of emotionally and physically sensitive children. The physically sensitive, I put down to sensory processing (spectrum) disorder. I just made up the spectrum part, but it sound good, doesn't it. Though we have the SPD, we have nothing on the autism spectrum and no diagnosed ADHD.

 

I also have a couple of emotionally sensitive types. Very intense. They are hard to raise for me, and I think this is why: I get overwhelmed very easily from too much stimulus, chaos, noise, etc. So my own emotionally sensitive types can sometimes throw me over the edge, and I have to hide in my dark room under the blankets for a little while. Thankfully, dh and grandma realize my need to decompress and give me 20 minutes to restore my peace.

 

I think emotionally sensitive people can appear to be cold. I am very sensitive to peoples feelings, but now I am able to pick it the emotions without letting it effect me. I think I may have learned to shut down as a coping mechanism to the extent that my family thinks I'm cold, but they are more outwardly emotional and expect me to be the same. I am more outwardly sensitive to people outside of my immediate family because it's easier to distance myself if I get overwhelmed.

[elegantlion]

I think most people are sensitive and that its not at all rare or special. this idea seems to be a hallmark of this board, that our children are all rare and special and gifted, as are we.

 

I think most well cared for and nurtured (perhaps even hot housed) children are sensitive bc we take seriously their thoughts and emotions. not bc they are inherently gifted or special or extra sensitive as some sort of trait of their super special giftedness.

 

I think children who are NOT sensitive are ones who have learnt to disguise their feelings and emotions out of perhaps fear or knowledge that their sensitivity gets them nowhere. Perhaps some become more resilient as a result but probably plenty just learn to stuff it all down.

 

Im sure this idea will go over like a lead balloon too. We all like to think we have a special trait, a special sensitivity. And bc we are all so sensitive to perceived criticism most of all.;)

 

In the end I think an awful lot comes down to temperament.

 

I do think temperament comes into play, but some of it is beyond that. My son is a wonderful caring empathetic individual, but he's not the "sensitive" that is being discussed in this thread.

 

I don't view it as a giftedness in any way. In many ways it has been a hindrance to me, but it's not just something you "get over" because it gets you nowhere. You learn to cope and deal with some of the positives of it. It's like telling an introvert to just buck and enjoy the endless parties you must attend.

 

These conversation about personality traits are interesting to me, because this an area that just doesn't come up in many IRL conversations. I don't think anyone here is spouting this as a rare and special thing that somehow makes us any better than anyone else. :001_huh:

 

I do think most caring people are sensitive. I think a lot of people cry at commercials and movies, this goes deeper than that. It's hard to explain really, but it's just more than being empathetic.

[FairProspects]

What? Seriously?!?

 

No, its not a disability, sensitivity is a personality trait that frequently goes along with creativity, because we "sensitive" people often feel more than others and create most of the beauty, poetry, and art in the world. It is no more of a problem than practicality, and sometimes infinitely more important.

 

I could tell you all about my extreme sensitivity as a child, but bottom line I grew up to be a fully functioning, highly creative adult. End of story.

Edited June 7, 2012 by FairProspects

[Soror]

I do think most caring people are sensitive. I think a lot of people cry at commercials and movies, this goes deeper than that. It's hard to explain really, but it's just more than being empathetic.

 

:iagree:

If you think most people are this way, then you don't understand the feeling. If you think it is a thing that people want to be then you are mistaken. It is a lifetime of feeling different but trying to convince yourself you're not. It is not just caring about people, all people properly nurtured should be that way, it is beyond that, it goes to a level that is difficult to deal with. It is not something one wants for their kids. It is not something that I think anyone thinks makes them better than anyone else. I believe we are all special and wonderful because we are made in the image of God, certainly I don't think any mother thinks one of their children is better than another one due to being more sensitive, gifted, athletic, etc. If anything children that are "sensitive" (not just in the traditional sense) make parenting difficult. Because they are not like everyone else.

 

There is some relation to sensitivity and giftedness from what I've read yesterday which I had no idea there was a connection. It may be related for any one individual or not and just like many things there is a spectrum or continuum. There are different kinds of sensitivity.

[Tiramisu]

Like all things, there are plusses and minuses, strengths and weakness.

 

I know this sounds really terrible, but my most emotionally sensitive dc are the most selfish and the least caring. I think their own sensitivities make them focus on themselves. Maybe they are so easily hurt that it keeps them from seeing things from the other person's point of view. Of course, that's only one case of sensitivity. I'm not saying that my sensitive dc are hopeless, but they are in need of much maturing to get to the point where they can be more caring toward others. If they can eventually channel that sensitivity the right way.... FWIW, I don't think I really started to put others before myself until I became a mother. Dealing with a serious medical issue in one of my children also changed me and made me want to reach out and help others who were suffering. It took a lot of pain and good example from others to pull me out of myself.

 

OTOH, my physically sensitive ones are very caring and it seems to come naturally to them to help others.

 

About the disability issue. I don't think my emotionally sensitive ones fall into the disabled category at all. In our specific case, I consider the physical senstivity a disorder because it completely and absolutely interferes with normal life.