Dh and I have a serious prob. Moms of many (or special needs), help! (CC)

[BamaTanya]

Dh and I don't have anyone to name in our wills to care for our dc if something happens to us. Seriously. We had wills made years ago and named my parents. That was BEFORE we had 5 dc. BEFORE 2 were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. And BEFORE Mom got cancer and died.

 

Mom's death got me thinking about our need to update the wills, but we don't know what to write!

 

We can't think of any solution (other than the standard: never travel together!) Dh's parents are older and not in great health. His sibs are all divorced and either in shaky situations or are already dealing with step-children (and it wouldn't seem wise to add 5 more to their families). In addition, none are practicing any faith, and our worship is of primary importance to us. I can't imagine having someone rear our dc without sharing that value. KWIM?

 

My sibs have different issues. They both have dc, but neither family seems prepared for ANY special needs. (They've been around my dc and love and *tolerate* them, IYKWIM.)

 

As for friends . . . well, some of you have shared that your situations are similar to ours. As our family has grown bigger, we've become more isolated. We aren't welcome as many places. I don't mean that people have turned away from us or we've turned from them . . . we've just gotten so busy with our dc's care, and our former close friends' lives revolve around their dc's activities.

 

I never would have thought we'd be in this situation. When we made this decision so many years ago, we had several possible choices. Things have gotten so complicated.

 

Any thoughts? Any ideas outside the box?

[Aubrey]

Pray.

 

That's it.

 

We had a plan, too. Like you, we don't have sibs avail, for a variety of reasons, all primarily faith-related, though we really love them, enjoy their co, etc.

 

My parents were divorced & were not an option anyway, but dad died a couple of yrs ago.

 

Dh's parents are a great choice in many ways, but their parenting style is different enough from ours that we'd strongly prefer another solution. They're completely wonderful & perfect as g'parents, but...permissive as parents? Anyway, I don't want to criticize them or anything, just.... Well, & then there's the fact that they're nearly 60, & we're expecting #4. We're probably done after this one, but I don't want to make that decision based on *if* we die & *if* dh's parents were to take the dc....kwim?

 

We had friends that were perfect. We asked them if they'd take our dc, they said yes. They said they'd discussed the same thing w/ regard to theirs, though they didn't have any at the time. Perfect.

 

Then they switched faiths. Pretty far opposite extreme from us, but still...possibly possible, iykwim. But...they got pretty...belligerent & pushy, etc. They pray for us. They refused to come to ds's baptism, for ex.

 

So, now...I don't know.

 

But if faith is important to you (I'm talking to me here, too!), pray. This is really an easy one, you know. ;)

[Holly IN]

We are in this pickle too!! We have no idea what to do except my parents are still alive. However we are very iffy on them though. We are struggling with this because we do not want any of our siblings to have our kids. Our best bet is my parents but they are iffy like I said before.

 

We are in the same boat. I am sorry I can't help you there. I would love for my friend to have them but not sure I could do that as she lives several states away. I can't do that to my parents.

 

We are praying for our saftey and protection everyday so we can see our children grow. We do plan on naming our oldest as the one to take care of the other 2 once he is 18.

 

We have one special needs child (the youngest and a girl). We do hope to see her married. She has autism but it is high functioning almost Aspergers. She is diagnosed with autistic disorder because she qualifies however her diagnosing dr said she is high functioning but not Aspergers as there weren't enough criteria met.

 

I hope you do find a solution. I do say that prayer does work so start praying and keep on praying. :grouphug:

 

Holly

[Niffercoo]

We are fortunate in that my parents are young (both turned 57 this year). If anything happened to my husband and myself, the children would go to them. My mother has also promised to quit her job and homeschool the children.

 

Aside from that, we would be out of luck. And I do worry about the kids being able to function independently as adults. Most people who know them find it surprising that I would even worry about that, as they are fairly high functioning. But they both have some issues that would make employment challenging.

 

I would not ask my NT daughter to be responsible for either of her siblings. If she takes that on herself, then I think that's wonderful. But I would not put that on her. I know other families do that differently... the NT sibling grows up knowing that he or she is responsible for their special needs sibling(s).

 

My dh has a sister who is very wealthy, and has 3 children. Two of them are teens, and would be out of the house soon. But their child-rearing ideas and practices are vastly different from ours! I would not want the children going to her family.

 

Most of my friends IRL have 4-6 children of their own and are just not able to take on 3 more children, 2 with autism.

 

So that leaves my parents, and I thank the Lord they are young for grandparents!!

[Plucky]

If it makes you feel any better it's very unlikely that you both will die together. Make sure you have good life insurance on both of you. That way if anything happens to one of you the other can make it. I don't have anyone good planned to take my kids either. :(

[Rhonda in TX]

While you may not have any good options now, things may be different eventually.

 

We had asked my best friend to be guardian if something were to happen to us and she and her DH said, "yes". Then DS was diagnosed with Asperger's and I've just realized that they are not equipped to handle him.

 

The only other person who was a possibility was my sister, but she had four children of her own and I could not ask her to take mine on, too. However, I eventually saw that her situation had changed. Her oldest 2 graduated from high school. Her younger two were obviously older, as well. I asked her and she said "yes". I know they are a MUCH better fit for our children and feel total peace with the decision.

 

And, yes, I was able to gracefully un-ask my friend. She completely understood that my sister's situation had changed and that family would always be a better choice. I also think she was a bit relieved. :)

 

Just because there's not a good fit now, doesn't mean there never will be. And the chances of both of you dying before the children are grown is very slim.

[DIY-DY]

Dh and I don't have anyone to name in our wills to care for our dc if something happens to us. Seriously. We had wills made years ago and named my parents. That was BEFORE we had 5 dc. BEFORE 2 were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. And BEFORE Mom got cancer and died.

 

Mom's death got me thinking about our need to update the wills, but we don't know what to write!

 

We can't think of any solution (other than the standard: never travel together!) Dh's parents are older and not in great health. His sibs are all divorced and either in shaky situations or are already dealing with step-children (and it wouldn't seem wise to add 5 more to their families). In addition, none are practicing any faith, and our worship is of primary importance to us. I can't imagine having someone rear our dc without sharing that value. KWIM?

 

My sibs have different issues. They both have dc, but neither family seems prepared for ANY special needs. (They've been around my dc and love and *tolerate* them, IYKWIM.)

 

As for friends . . . well, some of you have shared that your situations are similar to ours. As our family has grown bigger, we've become more isolated. We aren't welcome as many places. I don't mean that people have turned away from us or we've turned from them . . . we've just gotten so busy with our dc's care, and our former close friends' lives revolve around their dc's activities.

 

I never would have thought we'd be in this situation. When we made this decision so many years ago, we had several possible choices. Things have gotten so complicated.

 

Any thoughts? Any ideas outside the box?

 

Have you already gone down your list and reprioritized the must-haves from the like-to-haves? (We pretty much had to completely eliminate the "sure would be nice if" list - that just wasn't happening.)

 

Nobody is going to raise your children like you would. And when you're looking for someone to act as guardian should something happen, it's hard not to look for... well, for you and DH, in someone else's bodies! I'd start by trying to pare down the requirements list as much as possible, and if there still isn't someone, really start praying and actively looking for somebody. There's someone out there who would do it and love them and do right by them if called upon to do it.

 

We also remind ourselves that the people we list now may not be the same ones we'd list in five or ten years. Remembering that it's not etched in stone unless it actually gets activated helped us a lot in making the call. If, Lord willing, we're both still around in ten years, the situation will be completely different than it is now, in many ways, and we can change the guardians accordingly then.

 

We had gone through the list of possibles. My family is out. Period. Freaky, freakish, issue-ridden messes, the whole lot of 'em. And, since I was a caboose baby, most of them are passing on now, anyway.

 

DH's family... well, we ran into wall-after-wall on that side, too: messy divorces, leaving kids who don't have a safe home, themselves, let alone somewhere to take in five newcomers to the mess; severe illnesses; faith issues (I don't require that they share our faith - the children have godparents who will remain involved in their lives to share that portion - but I'd rather they not go to a home where people openly bash my faith, either, if that makes sense). We finally settled on what we felt was a wonderful solution, all things considered. But then one of them died this last fall, and that's left us totally hanging.

 

Seriously, I don't know what we're going to do, now. Right now, I've pinned my hopes on young cousins who got married last fall. We can't list them now (can you imagine being young, newly married, just fixing up your first little two-bedroom home, and inheriting five kids?!?), but I hope they really hunker down and decide they want a ginormous family where there's always room for "one more"! (Or, five more...)

 

So, maybe no real help, here, but scads of empathy! {{{hugs}}}

Dy

[Rosie_0801]

Not a large family, two will be our limit, but we've had to write wills up just like everyone does. Luckily my brother is willing to have them. Thank goodness for that. I wouldn't want any of my other relatives in charge and definately wouldn't want Dh's family to have them. Neither would he, for that matter. My brother is still young, he's only 21, but his heart is in the right place and we've similar enough values that I wouldn't worry. His youth and silliness would be counterbalanced by the kid's godparents, their godfather in particular. Maybe something like that would help? Sure, you have to have someone to take your kids in, but it would certainly help if there were godparents to help take the load off. We actually wrote in our wills that the kids' godfather is to be consulted in all major decisions, he actually asked us to do that.

Nasty thing to have to think about...

Rosie

[sassenach]

We're in the same situation. No one in our family is capable or desirable. We have amazing friends, but we just moved away from them all (from Florida to California). Now we're closer to our family(geographically) and further from our friends and I'm really not sure what to do. We have 4, one being profoundly disabled. I have no advice, just sympathy.

[LNC]

I would consider joining an parents of children w/ autism support group - going to all the mom's nights outs, dad's breakfasts, sibs workshops etc. Not to find guardians, but bc you are so isolated you find yourself in the situation you are in. Every parent of special needs children needs friends that can relate, support, and encourage them.

 

Our legal guardian for our four (one profoundly disabled, one mild mr mild autism, one with type 1 diabetes, and one healthy dd) is our dear friends from our church. We were drawn together 13 years ago bc of the birth of her dd with a chromosome disorder. She is moderately mr. Our friends have 5 children including teenage boy twins who were born at 29 weeks and have had learning issues. They homeschool all but their mr daughter, just as we send our mild mr ds to special ed at school. Are they perfectly set up to raise our children? NO! It would be too many children! But they would LOVE them and understand what they need. And we have set up our will to provide abundantly financially for them all. And likely it's never going to happen. I would never feel comfortable with a family who didn't have a special needs bc they just wouldn't understand what they were getting into.

[Cathy in IL]

I am a single mom with special needs kids, and I sometimes struggle with what would happen to them if something happened to me. As it stands now, the three of them would be split between my sisters. My ds with sickle cell would go with the sister who is a nurse. My two dds would be with my other sister. It is not ideal, but it could be okay. I have a friend who would be great with them, but I have not approached the subject with her at all. There is also a couple at our church who would be good with them and would likely say yes. Again, I haven't brought it up. I want to know them and observe them a little longer before making a decision. It's a tough one to think about. No matter how wonderful someone is, they won't raise your children like you would.

[Quiver0f10]

When our kids were younger we had the same problem and did end up choosing DH's younger sister. The situtation wouldn't have been perfect, but it was the best we could think of. We prayed alot LOL. Now I have 2 adult children and we are going to change our will to have them, which still isn't ideal, but I am praying we never need them to take over.

[lynn]

Dh and I don't have anyone to name in our wills to care for our dc if something happens to us. Seriously. We had wills made years ago and named my parents. That was BEFORE we had 5 dc. BEFORE 2 were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. And BEFORE Mom got cancer and died.

 

Mom's death got me thinking about our need to update the wills, but we don't know what to write!

 

We can't think of any solution (other than the standard: never travel together!) Dh's parents are older and not in great health. His sibs are all divorced and either in shaky situations or are already dealing with step-children (and it wouldn't seem wise to add 5 more to their families). In addition, none are practicing any faith, and our worship is of primary importance to us. I can't imagine having someone rear our dc without sharing that value. KWIM?

 

My sibs have different issues. They both have dc, but neither family seems prepared for ANY special needs. (They've been around my dc and love and *tolerate* them, IYKWIM.)

 

As for friends . . . well, some of you have shared that your situations are similar to ours. As our family has grown bigger, we've become more isolated. We aren't welcome as many places. I don't mean that people have turned away from us or we've turned from them . . . we've just gotten so busy with our dc's care, and our former close friends' lives revolve around their dc's activities.

 

I never would have thought we'd be in this situation. When we made this decision so many years ago, we had several possible choices. Things have gotten so complicated.

 

Any thoughts? Any ideas outside the box?

 

How old is your oldest? Can you name he/she? We have a 13 year spread between oldest and youngest and we will word ours that my sis will get custody unless older ds's are over 25 and stable in careers. Or something to that affect. does this make sense?

[Twinmom]

We have four kids, all of whom have minor special needs. They are generally fine in isolation, but a real whollop as a crew! Originally, we had named my sister and her DH, who share our basic faith though it isn't necessarily as high on their priority list as it is on ours. Over time, however, it became obvious that they would be unable to handle our children due to some problems showing up in their own family. Just not fair to ask them...I think they would implode if they added our four to their two! A more permissive style of parenting as well...just no longer a good option.

 

There was no one else. So we did as Aubrey recommends and prayed, prayed, prayed! Low and behold, my confirmed bachelor BIL found a great gal and settled down! And, even better, we ended up moving across the country to his town and were only 5 minutes from him. We waited a year to make sure they had a chance to settle in, then sprung it on them. They said yes, even after new SIL had a chance to really see what was up with our kids.

 

If I had any recommendations for you, first it would be to name the best of the worst options now. Better than having no one named at all...what a mess that could be! Then, pray unceasingly. I'm betting you'll be surprised at what God will provide...it may be something you never saw coming!

[Catherine]

you are overthinking the situation a bit. I would suggest that what matters most to a child who has lost both parents is not anything other than love. I probably wouldn't worry that much about the lifestyle\religious\relatedness quotient of any given choice, but whether they are patient, kindly, generous, and able to handle an influx of five bereaved kids. I only have three kids, but when we made this decision, we basically chose the people who we thought had the best coping skills, were most sensible, practical, loving and strong.

 

My friend's husband lost both parents when he was 16, and had 2 adult siblings. He says that already knowing where he was going was a great source of comfort to him. His new parents welcomed him and helped him cope with his grief, which mattered more than anything to him at the time.

[Night Elf]

We've asked my cousin to be the guardian of our children if needed. Although my cousin and I are no longer as close as we used to be, I still know she'd be a great choice. When she got married a few years ago, she talked to her husband before the wedding to secure his okay about the guardianship deal. I was happy that he agreed. However, we did not change our will to list both of their names.

[TraceyS/FL]

I have no clue.....

 

It used to be a given that it would be my parents.

 

My SIL & BIL would expect to be named - and i'd probably not have a problem with that NOW, except that means my kids would be back around my MIL, that i do have a huge problem with.

 

I'd prefer my brother & SIL, but they are pretty set in the career area and I don't think they plan on having kids. I think that they'd be great, but overall, i'd feel like they'd be a huge burden to them.

 

I have a friend that i think would be perfect, despite our differences in faith/politics and other stuff :D But i've never met her DH and that doesnt' seem fair either. THey live in another state - so that just won't happen you know?

 

Anyway, i have no clue..... we don't know yet how much DD will need as she ages. She may not need anything, she may need a lot. I know that for her the opportunities will be greater being HERE vs back where we came from in CA. She'd probably be perfectly content feeding the animals at sea world her whole life! LOL!!

 

SOOOO..... i'm pondering it....

[kalanamak]

 

We can't think of any solution (other than the standard: never travel together!)

 

I named a guardian, with double back up, and made it clear to them that they didn't have to raise the child, just make sure they got a loving home. I cannot write my wishes in such detail that they cover all situations. My wish is that my trusted people will take the time and trouble to look over the situation and make a good decision. I am very comfortable with that.

 

I have the luxury of knowing that my family could chip in financial support to an adoptive family without feeling the pinch.

HTH

[ClassicMom]

and I agree with others have said. Just keep praying. That's what we are doing and waiting on an answer. Our eldest will always need our support in one way or another, one son is profoundly, mentally retarded with CP, and seizure disorder and our 5yo has Autism and ADHD. Both sets of grandparents are older and don't even want to recognize the boys. Our 15yo daughter has ADD and will probably do fine, but I don't want to straddle her with that kind of responsibility and our 13yo has enough trouble dealing with her biological mom to last her a lifetime.

 

However, as said earlier, it is unlikely that something will happen to both of us at the same time. I'm holding onto that. Especially since God did give us all of these children that need us. And we keep praying...

[klmama]

Our families love our dc, but none are the right fit. We chose friends who already have 5 kids. They are very willing to take on more, and warned us that they are also named in several other friends' wills, so there could be the possibility of our dc being raised in a home with up to 12 other kids. We aren't worried about that. With these folks, that would be fine with us. They are godly people, incredibly patient, and great at teaching their dc. While they would not raise our dc exactly was we would, we trust them completely. We try to see them a few times a year, both to maintain our own good friendship and so our dc can develop a good relationship with them.

 

We have a lot of life insurance, and that plus the rest of our estate would be used to establish a trust for the dc. We stipulated that it should provide a number of benefits for our dc, including adding on to our friends' house or helping purchase a larger one if more space is needed. Taking on our dc would be an emotional and time committment, but it would not add to the financial burden of the family.

[happyWImom]

How old is your oldest? Can you name he/she? We have a 13 year spread between oldest and youngest and we will word ours that my sis will get custody unless older ds's are over 25 and stable in careers. Or something to that affect. does this make sense?

 

I was going to ask the same question. We have friends with 5 kids that were in a similar situation as yours, and now 2 of the kids are adults, so that is who they have named. We have my parents listed 1st, but with a contingency (if something happened to my mom, or they get too old) that our friends will take the kids. They were the ones that got us interested in homeschooling, and are very like-minded. Even though they have moved and aren't in our town anymore, we make a concerted effort to get together on a regular basis, because we want the kids to stay close "just in case". I guess otherwise, just do like the others said and pray. The answer will come.

[CalicoKat]

Dh and I don't have anyone to name in our wills to care for our dc if something happens to us. Seriously. We had wills made years ago and named my parents. That was BEFORE we had 5 dc. BEFORE 2 were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. And BEFORE Mom got cancer and died.

 

Mom's death got me thinking about our need to update the wills, but we don't know what to write!

 

We can't think of any solution (other than the standard: never travel together!) Dh's parents are older and not in great health. His sibs are all divorced and either in shaky situations or are already dealing with step-children (and it wouldn't seem wise to add 5 more to their families). In addition, none are practicing any faith, and our worship is of primary importance to us. I can't imagine having someone rear our dc without sharing that value. KWIM?

 

My sibs have different issues. They both have dc, but neither family seems prepared for ANY special needs. (They've been around my dc and love and *tolerate* them, IYKWIM.)

 

As for friends . . . well, some of you have shared that your situations are similar to ours. As our family has grown bigger, we've become more isolated. We aren't welcome as many places. I don't mean that people have turned away from us or we've turned from them . . . we've just gotten so busy with our dc's care, and our former close friends' lives revolve around their dc's activities.

 

I never would have thought we'd be in this situation. When we made this decision so many years ago, we had several possible choices. Things have gotten so complicated.

 

Any thoughts? Any ideas outside the box?

 

our situations are way too similar. We only have one special needs kid, so far. Dh's brother actually asked to be removed from this position on our will when we added #4. Right now my parents are listed but they are getting older and more frail so we need another solution.

 

Our current solution we've been discussing with my parents it to have them liquidate all our assets and send the kids to a boarding school and come home during vacations to my folks.

 

This actually was my childhood from age 10. Quite frankly it wasn't as bad as some and I think it really helped me grow as an individual--I'm not scarred by abuse, I do have some pretty good stories about peer pressure and bullies but they're not extreme. All in all it was a good experience.

 

Not a perfect solution but it's better than nothing. My sisters and I are very close today despite their rocky marriages. In fact the bil's call us the "sisterhood."

 

My goal is to look for boarding school options that are closer to my one sis and my parents.