Is it okay if I don't like my sister for a few months?

[Slipper]

My sister and I typically get along until she adopted her kids a few years ago (one just turned 3 and another is not quite 1 yr old). She says I became bossy, I say that she become overly dramatic and stressed out.

 

Our latest argument happened three months ago because of facebook. My bil is very sweet (a little slow talking and acting) and seems easily influenced. He started posting political pictures and dramatized articles on facebook. He posts the kinds of articles that you typically see dis-proven on Snopes or videos that are spliced to mis-represent things that are said. After several cringe-worthy ones came across my feed, I sent my sister a note and told her that bil may not realize that he's posting fictional political articles and he should research them before sending them along. She was absolutely livid and told me I was mean, bossy, manipulative, ignorant and that I treated her like a child. I told her that he would end up offending someone and that facebook might not be the place for political discussion. (Then I deleted him off my daughter's account so she wouldn't see his posts and ignored him on mine. They don't know it as I take time to go visit his account every month and comment on family posts.)

 

We still aren't talking much because of it. I feel uncomfortable saying anything around her because I always seem to say the wrong thing. Two short example - last visit she asked if I wanted to hold the baby and I told her that I would hold her later as my back was aching (I had finished doing the dishes and I just wanted to sit for a minute). She accused me (in front of my kids) of not wanting to hold the baby because her nose was slightly blue (she had a nasal tip hemangioma at the time). My oldest daughter is VERY different and it's obvious to the casual observer, so I have no problem with children being different, it was truly because my back hurt. (She went on to tell everyone in my family that I didn't like the new baby.) Another time, she asked me what I would do if any of my kids were to ever become pregnant as a teenager. I told her that depending on our health, we would probably try to raise the baby ourselves. She was livid that adoption wasn't our first choice and told me that I was backwards, ignorant and she couldn't believe that she was actually related to me. (She did call a month later and apologize for that remark after other relatives told her she was out of line).

 

She's just stressful to me. She has asked me for help in the past because her older daughter mis-behaved so much. I gave her suggestions and she said I was a know-it-all but then she did start doing the suggestions and, according to my mother, discovered that it helped. (With the new baby, I told her to plan time for just the two of them -sis and older daughter - , etc).

 

She called my mother yesterday and asked Mother to tell me to call her because she feels like we're "not in the right place" with each other. I agree that we're not, but I have a huge summer planned. My oldest daughter is having two small surgeries (nothing huge, but her autism makes huge complications along with several weeks recovery) and extra therapy. Another daughter is getting ready for summer camp and we're planning a week away to visit in-laws.

 

Whenever I'm busy or under stress, I tend to wipe extra projects and distractions 'off the table' until I'm better able to handle it. I've cleared my summer of everything but kids' schooling (and even that was whittled down from my original plans), dd1's surgery/recovery/therapy, dd2's camp and in-law visit (they are mostly great to be around). If she were a friend, I would have cut her out of my life completely. Since she's my sister and I do love her, I'm happy to try to work on the relationship, just not now.

 

How on earth do I explain to my mother that I don't plan on calling sis because I don't have time for her until Fall? Not calling will lead to more drama, but I almost don't care. My singular focus at the moment is on family.

[LibraryLover]

double post

Edited June 1, 2012 by LibraryLover

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug: I do that with stress too, minimize extra committments so I can really stay focused on what I need to do. My first thought was, why didn't she just call you herself if she really wants to talk things out? Of course, I know that if I am minimizing stress, one thing that goes is answering the phone. It helps to stay foucsed. I would say, will it bother you all summer if you don't call? If it is going to hang over your head all summer, I would call. Have a time limit to talk and tell her, "I have x amount of minutes".

[mom2samlibby]

She called my mother yesterday and asked Mother to tell me to call her because she feels like we're "not in the right place" with each other.

 

 

Sounds like your sister is trying to create more drama. Why involve your Mom? Why not just call you or send an email to say that she wants to work things out? But, I'm getting the impression that she probably doesn't want to work things out -- she just wants Mom to know that you are being difficult and that it's your fault.

 

I would just let it go. See if she contacts you. If not, you'll have a drama free summer.

[Mandylubug]

Well, I would call her and chat but other than that I would just tell her that I have a commitment heavy summer. You could also suggest email communication? Emails allow you to answer within your own time frame.

[Samiam]

I think that there are people in life that we just won't click with, family or not. Sounds like your sister has some issues about you, whether they are valid in your eyes or not.

 

So step one is to come to terms with that. There's something about you that your sister doesn't like or has a grudge against. There may be nothing you can do about that if you honestly know you have not purposefully done her wrong.

 

Step two is to figure out what relationship do you want to have with her, knowing she has some grudge. You can cut her off completely. You can stay on "stranger-friendly terms", meaning polite, interested, kind yet closed....not to open, not giving advice, not doing ANYTHING that could be construed as bossy, over-stepping etc. Or you can continue what you have been doing, which seems to be not working.

 

If you chose to to the "friendly, yet stranger" route, I would not NOT contact her all summer. If she expects you to be contacting her on a regular basis, because that is how you've been in the past then it is going to be only adding to an ugly situation if you do not contact her at all, ever. Instead, I would send a UBER friendly email that your summer is going to be crazy hectic stressful and you probably won't be contacting anyone much. Hope she has a great summer and you''ll be in touch once life settles down for you and you can breathe again.

 

Eventually, perhaps if you can keep it on these "aloof but friendly" terms, she'll grow up, get over whatever issue she has, and maybe even miss you enough that she is willing to be a bit more giving and kind. If not, at least you have done what you can do to keep it friendly.

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

[mamaraby]

What if you just sent her a gracious note in the mail(or email) asking her for space? That way you could acknowledge that you know she asked your Mom to tell you to call her and that things aren't as you may like. You could try to explain to her in as non-confrontational way your reasoning (busy summer, health issues, etc) and wish her a pleasant summer with a loose expectation for future contact if you so desire.

 

Just because she's your sister does not mean that you are required to maintain a toxic relationship. It's ok to set boundaries and it's ok not to give in to your sister's passive-aggressive attempts to get you to call her.

 

Feel free to maintain a safe space for yourself. It sounds like you have a lot going on in our life and I don't think there's any reason why your sister can't take a backseat to your own needs for a season.

Edited May 31, 2012 by mamaraby
my inner perfectionist

[myfunnybunch]

Honestly, I think you need to pick up the phone and say, "You know, I love you. Right now, I know things are difficult with us, but I want you to know I love you. I've got x, y, and z to deal with, and I love you and could use your support, and I don't want to be in a difficult place with you. Let's really try to figure this out when life settles down. Love you!"

 

If you can't do it by phone, send an email.

 

Why on earth should your mother have to be the go-between for either of you?

 

Cat

[catz]

Honestly, I wouldn't have said anything about BIL's annoying/stupid posts. I just would have turned him off my feed. I can see how she wouldn't take kindly to criticism along those lines towards her DH.

 

I would just say to your mom what you said here - that you aren't getting along with sister (I wouldn't be accusatory) right now and you don't have the time or energy to fix it right now with your daughter's issues, etc. In the future, I wouldn't give your sister any advice or criticism unless she begs for it and work to keep your relationship very surface level. This is the only way I can tolerate my brother and his family. :glare:

[Mommyfaithe]

I am very good at making myself invisible. Sounds like sister is stressed and taking it out on the wrong person....we do that to those we love sometimes.

 

:grouphug: If I were you...I would wield the cloak of invisiblity for a while.

[Happy]

Honestly, I think you need to pick up the phone and say, "You know, I love you. Right now, I know things are difficult with us, but I want you to know I love you. I've got x, y, and z to deal with, and I love you and could use your support, and I don't want to be in a difficult place with you. Let's really try to figure this out when life settles down. Love you!"

 

If you can't do it by phone, send an email.

 

Why on earth should your mother have to be the go-between for either of you?

 

Cat

 

I agree. Get it over with and behind you.

[bettyandbob]

She called your mother. If she wants to talk to you, she needs to call you not mom. That's like regressing to age 10 and being a tattle tale.

 

So, it mom asks I would just says I'm here and will speak to sis when she calls. I'm might emphasize to mom the importance of focusing on dd's surgeries and recovery and that taking up most if not all of your physical and emotional energy for the time being.

 

Then, if sis does call I would just tell her I loved her, but time and energy is in extremely short supply this summer while you deal with the surgeries. If she asks for advice, I would further say that since it's extremely important for you to focus the health issues you really cannot analyze her situation appropriate and will not be able to give her advice.

[Plucky]

Honestly, I think you need to pick up the phone and say, "You know, I love you. Right now, I know things are difficult with us, but I want you to know I love you. I've got x, y, and z to deal with, and I love you and could use your support, and I don't want to be in a difficult place with you. Let's really try to figure this out when life settles down. Love you!"

 

If you can't do it by phone, send an email.

 

Why on earth should your mother have to be the go-between for either of you?

 

Cat

 

I agree. Call her and tell her you love her. Try to find the good in your sister. Don't give any advice she doesn't ask for, in fact don't give her much advice at all. She's your sister and will always be your sister since she's overly sensitive but not toxic. Focus on harmony and keep your space when you need it. Good luck.

[MindyD]

I have that kind of sister too. I say call her, tell her what you've got going on this summer (surgery is HUGE in my book), and that you feel like everything you say offends her so you thought it would be best to be quiet for awhile. Then you just have to keep your mouth closed around her. Polite conversation, but NO ADVICE and NO OPINIONS if you can help it. I know it's ridiculous, but that's worked the best for me. And if she still jumps down your throat about something, you can honestly know that it's her, not you.

By the way, my difficult sister is getting married in a month. To a guy I've met exactly once. Fun times, I tell ya. Fun times.

[Plucky]

I have that kind of sister too. I say call her, tell her what you've got going on this summer (surgery is HUGE in my book), and that you feel like everything you say offends her so you thought it would be best to be quiet for awhile. Then you just have to keep your mouth closed around her. Polite conversation, but NO ADVICE and NO OPINIONS if you can help it. I know it's ridiculous, but that's worked the best for me. And if she still jumps down your throat about something, you can honestly know that it's her, not you.

By the way, my difficult sister is getting married in a month. To a guy I've met exactly once. Fun times, I tell ya. Fun times.

 

:lol:

So I guess you said, "Um, congratulations." Gave her a hug and kept to yourself how nutty she is? It's hard to do, but it's their life, right? Ugh.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

fwiw..... you might say to your mom that you agree with your sister, that things aren't so great between you right now. then tell her you are going to try to not put her in the middle of it all, because that's not fair, and not likely to be helpful, either. that you love your sister and will work on things. you might suggest to her that if dear sis mentions it again to her, that she might try suggesting that dear sis call you directly. and then i would go with the "cloak of invisibility" until dear sis calls. (or Fall, whichever comes first)

 

an aside on not holding baby..... my mother in law chose not to hold one of our new borns because she "believed in the germ transmission theory of illness". was she ill? no. was the baby ill? no. do i still remember how awful it felt? yes. so while i understand the back pain issue, i find myself wishing you'd just sat down so your back was supported and held her for a few minutes. her spin on it wasn't so helpful or healthy, but i empathize with how it can feel like rejection....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Danestress]

I would just call or email her, avoiding heated topics, resisting effort to make me commit to meeting and plan making, but showing great interest in and love for her kids. I would avoid advice giving (even if asked for) and say lots of thing like, "oh, you are such a great mom, I am sure you are handling it fine." Adoring another woman's children heals wounds.

 

Even if what you said about dbil's posts is true (and it is!) you might want to refrain from instructing family members who are likely to resent it. If she didn't call and ask what you thought, you should not have told her. You aren't the boss of her, to put it in sister terms:). But gosh, it sounds like she can hold a grudge!

 

I guess I have a bias in favor of trying to make peace with loved ones. I Understand the instinct to turn inward to your immediate family and shut others out. But I can't get away from the feeling tha family is important and one should try to cultivate it. That is what I would hope my kids would do when they grow up. if you have time to post about it, you could find time to talk to her, though I understand not wanting to. But saying you don't have time ... She will not believe that, and it will cause more hurt.

[3browneyedboys4me]

I had a situation with my sister very recently. Last week. It was bad. I had to get involved in a marriage issue where I had to tell her husband that she wasn't being honest with him. :( It was awful. It broke my heart, but she was really doing something deceitful and unkind to a very good man.

 

Long story short, she immediately tried to see me at her house. At first, I accepted thinking it would be good to get the awkwardness over, but then, I started really thinking about her, her choices and behaviors. I decided I didn't WANT to be around her...now, or anytime soon. I sent her a heartfelt email explaining my feelings, told her I need some space and distance, and I would be in touch. She accepted the email and hasnt' pushed anything so far. Now, I have no idea what she is saying to our family behind my back. I know she blames me for a LOT of pain in her marriage (not her fault, ya know:confused:)

 

All of that to say, I think it's just best to be honest with ppl. It frees you of 'game playing' and false pretenses and it allows you to be true to your real feelings. I feel like if ppl cant handle the truth that's on them. Ya know?

 

Hth!:grouphug:

[mom2samlibby]

I had a situation with my sister very recently. Last week. It was bad. I had to get involved in a marriage issue where I had to tell her husband that she wasn't being honest with him. :( It was awful. It broke my heart, but she was really doing something deceitful and unkind to a very good man.

 

 

Wow -- I can't imagine getting involved in another couple's marriage, even if it were my sister. I think that crosses the line. :confused:

[ZeldaRules]

Yes, it's okay to not like your sister for a few months, years, ever. Just because they are a blood relative does not mean you have to be their friend, especially if it is a toxic relationship and they are doing things to manipulate, bring you down, cause trouble or unhappiness.

 

If you write a letter, then she has the words on paper to stew over and take wrong, she can't hear the tone you intend, gives her more ammo if she wants to look for some, etc. So if you think she will take your letter all wrong, then it is best to call, unless you don't like that type of confrontation, then just write the letter. However, my stubbornness wouldn't call, and if she called and said "why didn't you call", then I would say, "well, it wasn't your place to get mom in the middle of this, and if you wanted to talk to me, then you should have picked up the phone and called me, not put the responsibility for your discomfort of our relationship on me."

 

If you don't want to deal with her, don't. You don't HAVE to let her know. If your mom asks about it, just tell her you would rather keep her (your mom) out of the issue and you will deal with it on your time.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Sisters can be a pain. I have a toxic sister I pretty much disowned for many reasons. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...and her past behavior is no good indication of reasonable behavior around me or my children.

 

Do what you think is best for YOU and your sanity. :)

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Since she didn't contact you directly, I would just ignore the request completely. If she really wanted to work on things, she'd be an adult and work on things...directly...with you. She'd rather act like a middle-schooler using your Mom as a go-between. She's being manipulative in trying to get you to call her...as if you miss her because she's so darn lovable and special. Since she's not acting very lovable and special, I'd just stay away until she makes a SINCERE effort directly to you.

[CroppinIt]

 

Whenever I'm busy or under stress, I tend to wipe extra projects and distractions 'off the table' until I'm better able to handle it. I've cleared my summer of everything but kids' schooling (and even that was whittled down from my original plans), dd1's surgery/recovery/therapy, dd2's camp and in-law visit (they are mostly great to be around). If she were a friend, I would have cut her out of my life completely. Since she's my sister and I do love her, I'm happy to try to work on the relationship, just not now.

 

 

I would take out the bolded sentence (obviously :) ) and say exactly what you've said in the rest of this paragraph. It focuses on you (as opposed to pointing a finger at your sister) and your situation (as opposed to her kids or whatever else she wants to spin it into) without any specifics that they could argue with or drama they could latch onto. Just the facts, ma'am. :hug:

[kalanamak]

I would send a UBER friendly email that your summer is going to be crazy hectic stressful and you probably won't be contacting anyone much. Hope she has a great summer and you''ll be in touch once life settles down for you and you can breathe again.

 

Eventually, perhaps if you can keep it on these "aloof but friendly" terms, she'll grow up, get over whatever issue she has, and maybe even miss you enough that she is willing to be a bit more giving and kind. If not, at least you have done what you can do to keep it friendly.

:iagree: and then I would make sure other people were told that and that it was true, that it wouldn't get around to her that only she was "excluded". And from now on, never offer opinions about her and hers, and when asked for advice, I'd say "Oh, I'm not sure, what do you think?", nod as she talks, and never get around to giving your opinion.

 

She wants someone to blame for her unhappiness. Duck.

[kalanamak]

Wow -- I can't imagine getting involved in another couple's marriage, even if it were my sister. I think that crosses the line. :confused:

 

What if you were worried your sister was going to bring home a pregnancy from another man?

[Slipper]

Thanks for all the replies. :) I think that part of my reluctance to patch things up is because I feel like we keep hitting a re-set button on our relationship. If I reset now, then we have the option of drama during the summer. I don't consider myself to have low self-esteem, but it is both tiring and hurtful to be called backwards, ignorant, stupid, mean, etc. My personal belief system is that we should treat others with loads of grace and compassion. No matter how busy I am with my own kids (all of whom have varying medical needs), if I know of a neighbor who is sick, we do something for them (even if it's just cooking a homemade dessert). If someone goofs and says something ugly to me or if they say it because they are tired or frustrated, I try to take all of that into consideration and overlook it. My friends (and most family members) say that I'm slow to anger and have loads of patience. But when I'm finally out of patience, I'm done.

 

Even though my sister isn't speaking to me, I have continued to send hand-me-down clothes and lots of toys to my nieces whenever my mother makes the trip to visit her. She usually visits during the summer and had already asked me (through Mother) if I can help with her kids when she visits. (The translation of 'helping her' is that I'll watch them from 9:00 am - 8:00 pm including meals and baths - she picks them up for visits to other relatives). I sent word back that as long as her visit didn't interfere with medical appointments or recovery, that was fine. I adore my nieces and plan to have as much of a relationship as I can with them.

 

But, I want my mind clear this summer. I plan to use several of the suggestions above (some type of mix) but somewhere in there, I need to explain to her that I'm done being yelled at and called names. I know she does it to other people and my niece was asked to leave the Montessori school she attended after my sister lost her temper at the director. I don't want to just open myself up to more of her bad behavior. She can convey a message without tacking on profanity and hurtful language. She does have anxiety and depression and I try to be considerate of that, but I'm tired of the drama. If I don't have some type of answer for my Mom, Sis will call Dad so I'd like to sort it out this week-end. My daughter has three teeth removed next week which is her first surgery. Our biggest concern is that she self-injures when she's hurting and we're worried she'll pick her stitches out. I plan on sleeping with her for a few days so I'm there 24/7.

 

I'm 41 (not 14) and Sis is 38 (not 13).

 

I'm going to do my best to not give her any advice, even when she asks (or BIL asks). And I'll up my "she's adorable!" comments on facebook for my niece's pictures. :)

Edited May 31, 2012 by Slipper

[happyhomemaker]

I think you stepped over the line in criticizing your BIL to your sister. You are not the FB police and BIL is an adult. He can post whatever he wants. If it annoys you, don't read it or say something directly to BIL, not your sister. I suggest calling and apologizing for being officious. Tell her that the two of you have other issues to address and that after your hectic summer of [insert crazy schedule here] you want to sit down and talk it out with her because you love her.

[mom2samlibby]

What if you were worried your sister was going to bring home a pregnancy from another man?

 

Sorry for the high jack again OP, but yes, even then. Not my business. It's between them. Not my mess. It's their choices.

 

 

And both my sister-in-laws have done that.. . I still say it crosses the line.

[kalanamak]

Sorry for the high jack again OP, but yes, even then. Not my business. It's between them. Not my mess. It's their choices.

 

 

And both my sister-in-laws have done that.. . I still say it crosses the line.

 

You were fooling around on your husband? ;)

What about bringing home an STD, what about gambling away money or lasping into drugs again, or leaving the baby alone while she has a quicky in the truck parked in the alley? It is not a choice of the spouse doesn't know. There are terrible things out there than a unknowing spouse needs to know. If you've never dealt with a dangerous situation, lucky you, but not everything is as minor as a simple affair.

[myfunnybunch]

it is both tiring and hurtful to be called backwards, ignorant, stupid, mean, etc.

 

I don't want to just open myself up to more of her bad behavior. She can convey a message without tacking on profanity and hurtful language.

 

:grouphug:

 

Well, if this is ongoing instead of situational, I change my answer. The heck with trying to hit reset. No one deserves to be talked to like that.

 

In this case, I'd just go about my summer and let her either get over her darn self or...well....not.

 

(I'd still try to leave Mom out of the middle, though, whenever possible.) :grouphug:

 

Cat

[mom2samlibby]

You were fooling around on your husband? ;)

What about bringing home an STD, what about gambling away money or lasping into drugs again, or leaving the baby alone while she has a quicky in the truck parked in the alley? It is not a choice of the spouse doesn't know. There are terrible things out there than a unknowing spouse needs to know. If you've never dealt with a dangerous situation, lucky you, but not everything is as minor as a simple affair.

 

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Um no, both my SIL have children with someone other than their spouse. One marriage ended, the other couple is still together.

 

I still say it's not your place to tell him. Yes, it's a bad situation and I would feel sorry for him, but nope. It wasn't your place.

 

OP, I would ignore your sis. Take time for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Slipper]

I think you stepped over the line in criticizing your BIL to your sister. You are not the FB police and BIL is an adult. He can post whatever he wants. If it annoys you, don't read it or say something directly to BIL, not your sister. I suggest calling and apologizing for being officious. Tell her that the two of you have other issues to address and that after your hectic summer of [insert crazy schedule here] you want to sit down and talk it out with her because you love her.

 

Honestly, I don't think what I said was bad. But, I'll post it and others can chime in on whether I was rude or not.

 

"Hi Sis,

I’m not sure how to say this, but I noticed that BIL posts a lot of political stuff that seems to come from a site that is not factually accurate. As the election year heats up, facebook is going to become nuts with political agendas. I don’t want BIL to look foolish when others point out that he posted inaccurate information. He may want to google some of this stuff he’s sent. I’m not pro or anti (presidential choice), I just wanted to make sure you knew he had a bad source."

He was posting articles that were inaccurate and offensive. If someone posted that the info was inaccurate according to Snopes, he would defend it because a particular person had sent it to him. If he didn't like a particular president hopeful, that's fine. But when it's things like, "So and So wrote a letter stating that every American must become Muslim or pay higher taxes!!" it's simply untrue. There's plenty on ANY president to critique and debate, why create things?

 

I didn't want to say it directly to BIL because I thought that would cross a line. But, point taken, I'm ignoring it all and will keep my opinions to myself. ;)