Help Advice on Parents and Life stuff

[5 Hikers]

I don't know what to do so I thought I might get some thoughts here.

 

I am in the middle of a divorce. Just found out house is in Dh's name only. He is willing to hand it over though. I haven't had a job and just got accepted to Nursing school, so I don't plan to get a job for 2 years yet. Dh agreed to let me stay for 3 years and then refinance it so his name is no longer on it, but only if I can pay it. I cannot afford the house on my own.

 

I have parents who can afford to pay for it for me and they will, but... My mom is co-dependent and very controlling. She will help me pay my bills, but be very bitter and resentful about it all. She will only help with strings attached and I will be subject to her whims for the next 2 years.

 

What would you choose? Keep the kids in the house and deal with a mean parent for 2 years or move into a cheap apartment complex?

 

Another part of this is that my parents gave me a huge down payment for this house, and they already have mentioned now that they dont want to lose their money. It was given as a gift with no mention of repayment 7 years ago. But, like I mentioned earlier they constantly make comments on how it is more their house since they paid a lot for it. They also give me money monthly to help pay bills.

I bought the house with strong encouragement from them knowing I couldn't afford it. I made a stupid mistake, but don't know how to get out of it now.

If I sell now they probably won't get their money back. I would give them whatever profit I made to try to be free of it.

 

If I move into an apartment I will be free from all the controlling people in my life, and I know I will have a sense of accomplishment at finally living my life. It is better for the kids to stay in the house since they already have so many changes happening?

 

My parents do love me and would help me. My mom just has lots of issues from childhood she's never dealt with.

[Harriet Vane]

This sounds complex and quite painful. I'm so sorry for what you are facing.

 

Please take my thoughts with a grain of salt, as I don't feel remotely "expert" to advise financially or in terms of divorce settlement. My response comes more from my emotional gut.

 

I would say to break ties with emotional leeches. They will impact your life and your kids' lives the most, especially if they are in a position of power over you.

 

FWIW I think it's absolutely AWFUL that your parents make those comments about the house. Shame on them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Georgia is an "equitable property" state. It doesn't matter that only your dh's name is on the house. It should belong to both of you equally. http://www.gadivorceonline.com/gapages/MaritalProperty/prop%20and%20debt%20div.asp

[Little Nyssa]

Can you have him pay the mortgage for a predetermined amount of time, like the 3 years you mention, as part of your settlement? Will you be able to afford it once you are working, if it is refinanced?

If you can afford it once you are working, and he pays the mortgage while you are in school, then your parents could help you with everyday expenses now, and they wouldn't be carping about the house?

:grouphug:

[Reflections]

If I move into an apartment I will be free from all the controlling people in my life, and I know I will have a sense of accomplishment at finally living my life. It is better for the kids to stay in the house since they already have so many changes happening?

 

Changes are already happening for your kids - make them as positive as possible and remove as many negatives as possible. IMO it is better to sell the house and split the profits (if any) and move into something that you can afford. But, I would also NOT give any money back to your mom - you will need all the money you can get for the next two years - and if you pay her off now, you will most likely have to 'ask' for some back because of an unexpected bill or something now that you are single. I also would try to have a goal of removing as many 'strings' as possible.

 

Best of luck.:grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

This sounds complex and quite painful. I'm so sorry for what you are facing.

 

Please take my thoughts with a grain of salt, as I don't feel remotely "expert" to advise financially or in terms of divorce settlement. My response comes more from my emotional gut.

 

I would say to break ties with emotional leeches. They will impact your life and your kids' lives the most, especially if they are in a position of power over you.

 

FWIW I think it's absolutely AWFUL that your parents make those comments about the house. Shame on them.

:iagree:

 

The most important part of your kids' life is already crumbling. A house will not change that. All it will do is add stress to an already stressful situation.

[MrsBear]

As an adult, when you allow your parent(s) to assume authority over you, in this case financial, you leave yourself vulnerable to being treated like a child again when that parent(s) has issues around control and such. I personally would NOT have such a parent controlling the financial purse strings, especially since your children will witness the power struggle between your parent and you for control of every aspect of your life, likely including how you parent your children.

 

Adult to adult, my advice to you would be to a) find a good attorney to represent you in the divorce, b) negotiate for staying in the house (for your children) with your ex paying the mortgage or a reasonable amount of the mortgage, c) negotiate for adequate child support and d) negotiate for half of everything you both own - including the house; I'd stipulate the house paid for for a number of years then sale with you both spiting any equity from the sale.

[catz]

As an adult, when you allow your parent(s) to assume authority over you, in this case financial, you leave yourself vulnerable to being treated like a child again when that parent(s) has issues around control and such. I personally would NOT have such a parent controlling the financial purse strings, especially since your children will witness the power struggle between your parent and you for control of every aspect of your life, likely including how you parent your children.

 

Adult to adult, my advice to you would be to a) find a good attorney to represent you in the divorce, b) negotiate for staying in the house (for your children) with your ex paying the mortgage or a reasonable amount of the mortgage, c) negotiate for adequate child support and d) negotiate for half of everything you both own - including the house; I'd stipulate the house paid for for a number of years then sale with you both spiting any equity from the sale.

 

:iagree:

[tntgoodwin]

I would definitely choose the cheap apartment, just so it is one less thing you have to deal with during an already stress-filled chapter in your life.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Do NOT let your husband bamboozle you into doing anything. Read Jean's link. You must protect yourself and your dc; you cannot depend on him any longer.

[Trish]

So sorry for you situation! :grouphug:

 

Sounds like your soon-to-be-ex owes your parents some money...

 

Egads.

[JennifersLost]

First - get real help from a lawyer. Don't make deals with your husband until you do.

 

Second - don't hold onto the house. Sell it and split any profits with your spouse as legally necessary. If your parents want "their" part back, give it back. Take anything left to help pay your school and living costs.

 

Third - and this really should be first - Become a Self-Sufficient Adult.

 

I wish someone had told me this when I was in my twenties. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are right now. You need to do everything you can to become self-sufficient. Being in nursing school is terrific, but you need to understand that if your parents are paying for it and supporting you, then they get to run your life. They are parenting you and you are in the position of being a child.

 

Going to school is very smart. I would keep on the track you are taking. But. It is your job to make your expenses as cheap as possible and to fund it as much as humanly possible. Sell the house. Get in the cheapest living arrangement you can get. Take any part time work you can swing. No vacations. No extras for the kids. Don't let anyone tell you the kids "have" to be in activities. As few new purchases as possible. The next two years are about getting yourself on your feet until you can provide for yourself.

 

As soon as you are out of school it is your job to pay your own way. Once you get in the habit of getting help from your parents it can be really hard to stop. Until you do, you won't know the magic of being able to support yourself. You won't know what power feels like and what freedom truly is.

 

And please - do NOT find a new man and move in with him until you've had at least a year in which you paid your own way. Being financially independent is the true key to happiness, to good relationships, to just about everything happy and good in this world.

[Night Elf]

I am in the middle of a divorce. Just found out house is in Dh's name only. He is willing to hand it over though. I haven't had a job and just got accepted to Nursing school, so I don't plan to get a job for 2 years yet. Dh agreed to let me stay for 3 years and then refinance it so his name is no longer on it, but only if I can pay it. I cannot afford the house on my own.

 

I hope you have an attorney. It's very important. You're looking at how things are right now and how they have been in the past. You are not looking into the future. Your DH might meet another woman and get married within the next year or so and she will probably not like him supporting you in any way. If the house is in his name, he will still be attached to you financially. Think about taxes too. Fwiw, I am in GA. My first husband and I divorced amicably. Things were great until he got remarried. We had shared custody of our dd. Things got so ugly when that woman decided she needed to be in control. He bowed to her every thought. It even ruined his relationship with our dd. I'm just suggesting you realize that things might not always be smooth between you and your ex.

 

I have parents who can afford to pay for it for me and they will, but... My mom is co-dependent and very controlling. She will help me pay my bills, but be very bitter and resentful about it all. She will only help with strings attached and I will be subject to her whims for the next 2 years.

 

And possibly longer than 2 years if she's pulling the financial card about the down payment for the house.

 

What would you choose? Keep the kids in the house and deal with a mean parent for 2 years or move into a cheap apartment complex?

 

Personally, I would do anything to avoid needed financial help from someone like you described. When I divorced, I moved in with my mom who loved having me and my dd with her. It was awesome to have her being so loving, caring, and supporting. Divorce, even an amicable one, is stressful. Adding more stress on top if it might be too much. Will you be able to handle school if you're super stressed?

 

But, like I mentioned earlier they constantly make comments on how it is more their house since they paid a lot for it.

 

Negative Ghost Writer. If there was no plan for you to repay them, they have absolutely no claim. I would nip that in the bud right now or they'll never let it go. Taking even more money from them will be so bad for you. If there is any way possible to avoid it, that would be the smart thing to do.

 

I would give them whatever profit I made to try to be free of it.

 

That's just a sad situation indeed. I think it's horrible your parents would expect you to do that when you need support at this time of your life.

 

If I move into an apartment I will be free from all the controlling people in my life, and I know I will have a sense of accomplishment at finally living my life.

 

The question is will you even be financially free? If you live in your own apartment, will you still need to accept money from your parents?

 

It is better for the kids to stay in the house since they already have so many changes happening?

 

Staying in the house would be the ideal situation, but may not be reality. The kids will get used to the new living arrangements.

 

Again, the most important thing I think you should focus on is having an attorney that will help you get what you need. If your ex has an attorney, he will work to do what is best for his client, not you. You have the right to alimony and child support. I would be afraid of any deal with your ex regarding the house for fear it would be used as leverage to keep him from having to pay alimony and child support. If you use the mortgage as all or part of that money, make sure you have it in writing AND that there is a plan in place for how the house will be handled later. Personally, as an experienced divorced person, I would never want to stay in any financial contract with an ex-husband. It was bad enough having to stay in contact with him while our dd was a minor.

[LillyMama]

As an adult, when you allow your parent(s) to assume authority over you, in this case financial, you leave yourself vulnerable to being treated like a child again when that parent(s) has issues around control and such. I personally would NOT have such a parent controlling the financial purse strings, especially since your children will witness the power struggle between your parent and you for control of every aspect of your life, likely including how you parent your children.

 

Adult to adult, my advice to you would be to a) find a good attorney to represent you in the divorce, b) negotiate for staying in the house (for your children) with your ex paying the mortgage or a reasonable amount of the mortgage, c) negotiate for adequate child support and d) negotiate for half of everything you both own - including the house; I'd stipulate the house paid for for a number of years then sale with you both spiting any equity from the sale.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

If you decide to take money from your parents, for whatever reason, maybe you could talk them into family counseling. You could always couch it as something that you feel will help the kids and you adjust to the changes. And that if they're going to support you financially, then the healthiest thing for you all is to feel you're on the same page. You can even declare yourself in emotional turmoil and think the stability they can offer can be financial AND emotional. Then in counseling you can bring up that sometimes their comments hurt and feel destructive and make you feel unsafe.

 

I recently read through Adult Children of Dysfunction (my dad's an alcoholic, my mom's co-dependent) and it's helped me with TONS of things. Including the realization of the dysfunctions still present between myself and my parents and what I may be passing down to my kids. I would highly recommend reading that, whatever you decide about money. I've really learned a lot about how to handle inappropriate behavior from my family without trying to change them or even needing to cut them out of my life. I'm still super close to my parents, but I'm slowly establishing healthy boundaries.

 

Anyhow, :grouphug:, good luck with whatever you decide!

[Michelle in AL]

Well, the good news is, from what I understand, is that if the house is in his name, he will be the one to go under if he can't make the payments. No bad debt will be incurred under your name. Signing it over to you, seems to be a way to relieve himself of that pressure. I could be totally wrong about that.

 

As a nurse, and as someone who has almost had to go through what you are going through, I would opt NOT to buy. The nursing market can be fickle now a days and after school you may need to sell to be able to move closer to a job. With the real estate market the way it is it may be hard to sell. For example, I currently work 50 minutes away which is OK when I only work 2 12 hr shifts/week, but when I graduate from NP school I'll most likely have to work 9-5 and that commute will not be OK, and I'll have to move. We have a closer hospital, but it rarely hires and working conditions are poor. Could this be the case for you too?

[5 Hikers]

Wow thanks. I do have a lawyer. The state calculated child support for me would be $1100 a month. I also get half his retirement in chunks, it totals $50,000 before taxes. I am not sure how often or how much the payments would amount to, but I think I can push to receive it all upfront according to my lawyer. I am also requesting he pay off my car.

 

He brings home $1800, so I cannot see how to ask for him to pay part of the mortgage as well. Our mortgage is $950.

 

My nursing classes will be 7am-4pm on T/W and Clinicals on Sat or Sun for 12 hour shifts. My parents do not pay for my school, I receive a combo of financial aid and scholarships.

 

 

I definitely will not be picking up another husband before a few years are up.

 

There is an apartment complex not too far that is only for single moms. A friend lives there in a 3Bed for $400 a month.

[5 Hikers]

Well, the good news is, from what I understand, is that if the house is in his name, he will be the one to go under if he can't make the payments. No bad debt will be incurred under your name. Signing it over to you, seems to be a way to relieve himself of that pressure. I could be totally wrong about that.

 

As a nurse, and as someone who has almost had to go through what you are going through, I would opt NOT to buy. The nursing market can be fickle now a days and after school you may need to sell to be able to move closer to a job. With the real estate market the way it is it may be hard to sell. For example, I currently work 50 minutes away which is OK when I only work 2 12 hr shifts/week, but when I graduate from NP school I'll most likely have to work 9-5 and that commute will not be OK, and I'll have to move. We have a closer hospital, but it rarely hires and working conditions are poor. Could this be the case for you too?

 

Thanks, I am an Hour away or less from at least 8 good size hospitals.

So I hope I will not have a problem. I do plan to work 2 or 3 12s.

[kalanamak]

I would definitely choose the cheap apartment, just so it is one less thing you have to deal with during an already stress-filled chapter in your life.

 

:iagree:and streamline your life while you are in school.

 

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Georgia is an "equitable property" state. It doesn't matter that only your dh's name is on the house. It should belong to both of you equally. http://www.gadivorceonline.com/gapages/MaritalProperty/prop%20and%20debt%20div.asp

 

 

Re-read.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: its a hard time. i'm glad you have a lawyer.

 

fwiw, i chose to stay in the house, trading pretty much everything for his share of the equity. it was four blocks from my work, so i wouldn't need a car. i rented two rooms to college students with more than reasonable rent (about half the going rate) + a requirement that they provide several hours childcare a day, and a few basic household chores. (one did laundry, one did house maintenance). the childcare requirement meant that i only took college students i already knew thru church. i worked full time, and went to school half time to qualify for something more. the kids went to public school. it was nuts. we survived. it was hard. we survived. my parents, who were in a position to be helpful, chose not to be. it was hard. we survived.

 

will you be able to afford the house on a nurse's salary? if not, then i'd bail now. the apartment complex nearby for single moms sounds like it may be a good thing. if so, and you really want to stay, then brainstorm ways that it might be possible..... but it will be hard.

 

what does your lawyer say about alimony? that amount might help...

 

as i type, i'm thinking, no, she definitely needs to move. re your parents: the house is in his name only.... you can tell them if they want their money back they need to speak with him. hmmmm..... if you wrote the cheque for the land taxes, there may be a play there for the house belonging to you not him.... (i'm definitely not a lawyer, but i do know that here in california if you live somewhere and pay the taxes on that land then after five years you have a claim to it....) - and that in ontario monetary gifts to one individual are not considered part of shared assets, so maybe ask your lawyer about that? i really don't know; i'm just stream-of-consciousness typing....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[MrsBear]

Wow thanks. I do have a lawyer. The state calculated child support for me would be $1100 a month. I also get half his retirement in chunks, it totals $50,000 before taxes. I am not sure how often or how much the payments would amount to, but I think I can push to receive it all upfront according to my lawyer. I am also requesting he pay off my car.

 

He brings home $1800, so I cannot see how to ask for him to pay part of the mortgage as well. Our mortgage is $950.

 

My nursing classes will be 7am-4pm on T/W and Clinicals on Sat or Sun for 12 hour shifts. My parents do not pay for my school, I receive a combo of financial aid and scholarships.

 

 

I definitely will not be picking up another husband before a few years are up.

 

There is an apartment complex not too far that is only for single moms. A friend lives there in a 3Bed for $400 a month.

 

You're likely at great risk he'll fail to pay child support - with $1800 take home and $1100 to the kids, he's going to be hard pressed to live on $700 a month for himself. But, that's not your problem - just be aware that him meeting his child support obligations will leave him in a tough position and prepare that he might not make his payments regularly. I say this isn't your problem because the money isn't for you, it's for your kids and they are going to need it and he has a responsibility for them!

 

That said, be prepared that you might need to do this financially all on your own......how much will you be able to work while you're going to school? Can you extend your schooling to work and get your nursing degree, does that impact your scholarships/grants/loans?