Leah_in_GA Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 My husband and I are faced with a mini-decision that has prompted me to quit lurking on this board and to join so I could ask this question. First some background: After years of infertility my husband and I are going to adopt a baby and we have to decide on gender preference. The agency says it usually takes about 4 - 6 months (from the point where we are now in the process) until we are given our baby. We will be getting a newborn. We have one son who is 6 years old (he is homeschooled). In 4 - 6 months, he will be newly age 7 (he turns 7 in four months). So, we're trying to consider his and the baby's ages in our gender decision. We feel fairly neutral on gender and even called the agency about whether we can leave it blank and they said that all areas were required to be filled out. About our son ..... he's highly social, never meets a stranger, is sweet, nerdy (has nerdy interests), talks a lot, would rather be with people and talk than play with toys, shares easily (we make him practice), in short -- he's a people person. (In case his temperment affected your advice). If you had this decision which gender would you opt for and why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 We adopted a girl just because that was what we had felt all along that we were supposed to do. But, if you don't mind either way, there seems to be a preference for girls (who in my opinion after having 3 boys and a girl are harder to raise) so an adoption may go faster if you opt for a boy. Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Since you have a son, I would choose a girl. Less direct potential for comparisons and competition (not that it can't happen). Good luck!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 :grouphug: I think it is lousy that you can't say "either." That's a terrible choice to have to make if you don't feel any certain leaning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 You really have to specify? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Can't you fill out the space with "no preference" or "willing to adopt a boy or girl"? There is usually a similar question regarding race preferences (if any) and prospective adoptive parents can certainly specify a particular race or allow for being open to adopting from any race. I can't imagine that the same understanding would not be available for gender. If, however, your question is more about what gender would best fit in with your particular family dynamic, I'd say that if you feel no strong preference either way, then I'd probably lean to the same gender as your older child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 How weird that they make you choose. I have a friend who adopted a girl and a boy. Both are international adoptions, and both are young adults now. He has followed the research on adoption outcomes, and he has told me that it seems to be easier for boys than for girls. He says that it's pretty common for girls when they hit either puberty or their first pregnancy to experience those bonding hormones and become enraged and self-destructive about their birth mothers' overriding them. Whereas boys don't go through that exactly. Don't know if this is completely valid, but I have actually that exact dynamic in girls a few times myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I don't know -- I'd have similar views to you (especially having dealt with long stints of infertility myself) ... I'll take who they send me. Do you want to stick with what you know, or try something different? Flip a coin? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeneralMom Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 That is so unfair that you have to choose. I think the age gap will be so big that gender won't matter. I know the automatic thing is to say "girl" so that you have one of each, but I would seriously think about another boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 :grouphug: I think it is lousy that you can't say "either." That's a terrible choice to have to make if you don't feel any certain leaning! :iagree: I can't believe they make you pick if you are really open to either!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 How weird that they make you choose. I have a friend who adopted a girl and a boy. Both are international adoptions, and both are young adults now. He has followed the research on adoption outcomes, and he has told me that it seems to be easier for boys than for girls. He says that it's pretty common for girls when they hit either puberty or their first pregnancy to experience those bonding hormones and become enraged and self-destructive about their birth mothers' overriding them. Whereas boys don't go through that exactly. Don't know if this is completely valid, but I have actually that exact dynamic in girls a few times myself. As the mom of two adoptive boys, I'll say boys have their moments, too. It comes out more angry, but it's there. And can be in a big way. I have one of each--one angry (although much less so these days) and one who only sees the best sides of adoption. It's genetic, I think. For the OP, we thought we wanted a girl the second time around. Would have been delighted to have one...but a gal at the agency mentioned the wait was longer for girls. So we said EITHER and got our wonderful second son. Both of my guys are in their twenties now...I have NO regrets with not having a daughter. I have a precious daughter in law and a grand daughter to spoil these days. You just can't go wrong with either gender. Don't stress about it. Enjoy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah_in_GA Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 The agency rep just made it about completing the application and said that one doesn't always get the specified gender, thus the wording of "gender preference", but she said that they do try to honor what is marked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 You know I would just choose a gender and IF there is an area to write additional notes then simply write: "we selected X gender on application, but truly we are open to either boy or girl". I think the key here is to STATE it somewhere so that it's in there face. That should put you in a more favorable category of being willing to accept EITHER gender where some people are "set" on girl or "set" on boy. Congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 All other things being equal, I'd leave the choice to my son. It gives him investment in the process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Wow, that is really odd. Most agencies would welcome a couple who didn''t have a preference. There may be some who would prefer people be open to boys, but in that case they usually state the statistics involved. We have been through 4 home studies and three full adoptions and I would say if they are asking for a preference and you don't have one, simply state it in that way. They should honor your desire to NOT choose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 All other things being equal, I'd leave the choice to my son. It gives him investment in the process. I like this solution a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I would answer with a 'no'. The question is "gender preference". And your answer is no, you don't have a gender preference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah_in_GA Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 :confused: I am going to have to pick a gender for the rep to deem it as completed application but I am going to write in that we're open to whichever beside the box. But, our rep did say that most people are matched with what they've marked thus it makes the gender issue one we have to mull over more. Thanks for all the how to handle the application advice, but what I'm seeking is more about the gender choice question --- which gender you might lean towards and why. I did ask my son last night and he said he'd be happy either way. :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I'd go with daughter, because of less competition. They won't be close enough, age wise, to do the "sports" thing or whatever. But, he can love being a "big brother" and a little sis sounds wonderful! :) Good Luck!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I think I'd choose daughter, just because there are unique joys to raising both boys and girls. Of course, parenting all one gender is great, too, but given the CHOICE, I'd rather have the chance to parent one of each. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Interestingly I lived in fear of having one of each. I knew I wanted 2 and I hoped I'd have 2 of the same. I never wanted to get into issues of girls are different than boys (because that sort of thing just bugs me for some reason). What do you mean? Issues where that would come up in the family dynamic as a reason for certain decisions? I have both. Girls are different from boys! Not better or worse, but definitely different. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I did ask my son last night and he said he'd be happy either way. Hmmph! A lot of help he is! :glare::D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElaineJ Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I agree with others that it is very odd they are forcing you to state a preference. We very intentionally did not give a gender preference to our agency when we adopted our son. Try just writing "no preference" instead of leaving it blank. :grouphug: I know how hard it is going through the application process. so often we felt like, "Who are we, trying to play God?" It is a weird experience in many ways, knowing that if it was a pregnancy we would have no choice regarding gender, ethnicity, disabilities or lack thereof, etc.... Blessings on your family as you wait. It will all be worth it in the end! :001_smile: Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I have both. Girls are different from boys! Not better or worse, but definitely different. :) Yeah. In my limited experience, hugging a little girl is like hugging fairy floss. Hugging a little boy is like hugging a bulldog clip. :D OP, can't you tick both boy and girl on the form? Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah_in_GA Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah. In my limited experience, hugging a little girl is like hugging fairy floss. Hugging a little boy is like hugging a bulldog clip. :D OP, can't you tick both boy and girl on the form? Rosie No, I asked the rep that. But, I had asked my son and he told me this morning, "I thought about it a lot while I was in bed last night, and I know want a precious little baby sister." (his exact words) ---- so that's likely what we'll go with! I have a few fears to overcome with having a girl (naming about my sister's two daughters will be 5 and 7 years older than our baby and these neices are on, in my opinion, a bad track (early interest in boys/provocative dancing/bad role models (Lady Gaga) and I just worry about my daughter being influenced by them. They live 1 hour away and we see them at least monthly. That was the main thing I worried about with having a girl. I thought that by my having the boys and my sisters having all girls (both my sisters have all girls and are finished having children), that'd it solve a multitude of issues within my family, but.......alas, it may not be that simple. Thanks all for the advice and encouragement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I, too, find it odd that they would make you state a gender preference. I've never heard of that before. I also find it a bit odd that they say the process will take such a short amount of time. We have 5 adopted children from the foster care system which is a bit different, but I also know many people who have adopted from private agencies who have waited years before being placed. And the wait is getting longer all the time, since fewer women are placing their children for adoption. I know nothing about the agency you are going through, obviously, and I'm sure you've done your homework, but..... that's a very short wait time for a newborn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I have a few fears to overcome with having a girl (naming about my sister's two daughters will be 5 and 7 years older than our baby and these neices are on, in my opinion, a bad track (early interest in boys/provocative dancing/bad role models (Lady Gaga) and I just worry about my daughter being influenced by them. They live 1 hour away and we see them at least monthly. That was the main thing I worried about with having a girl. I wouldn't worry about that. Buy nail polish, let them paint their toe nails in frightening colours, teach them to make chocolates, let their "romantic movies" be Pride and Prejudice and Bride and Prejudice and harmless things like that. The influence isn't necessarily a dreadful thing. Better to learn, as they inevitably do, about those sorts of things from their cousins, at your house, where you can produce a new Bollywood movie to distract them when they are getting over the top. Being able to act cool is a useful skill at times. Perhaps your daughter will learn to "code switch" and be able to act it without becoming it. It's not all doom and gloom :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.