Help! My daughter has turned into an alien! How do I get my sweet girl back?

[Slipper]

My soon-to-be-11 yr old has had so many changes in the past few months. Some are good, some are bad, but there is one behavior that is driving me nuts and I'm not sure whether to address it or if I'm being over-sensitive.

 

She has always been a daddy's girl. My husband and I are both overweight, but he eats a healthier diet and exercises. He'll tease me about my diet saying things like, "Mama doesn't eat salads, they have too much green", etc. He's joking when he makes these comments but my daughter has started repeating them and they don't sound like jokes when she says them.

 

She's also very precocious (I hope I'm using the right definition of the word). She excells in everything she does. Literally, the only thing she has ever lost was a beauty pageant. She's been told how smart she is all her life (and she really is) and I'm proud of her academic accomplishments. But it does give her a bit of an attitude and bossiness.

 

I've tried both ignoring her comments to me and addressing them with her and telling her that they hurt my feelings and she owes me more respect. Neither approach works.

 

Today, I had a day off (which is very, very rare). My husband offered to watch all the girls so I could go shopping for some much needed clothing and haircut. I was a bit depressed because I've gone up a size. We had some events happen to our family last November and I had to quit my martial arts class and I did start eating more junk food than usual. I decided today that I needed both diet and exercise, but went ahead and bought new clothes so I could be comfortable. I like my haircut too.

 

When I came home, my daughter looked at my haircut and told me that she "disapproved, didn't like it but would withhold speaking her piece at this time." It's our anniversary (15 yrs) so I ignored it so I could get our dinner on the table (we had a special meal for our anniversary).

 

Is this just puberty talking? Should I ignore it? Am I over-sensitive?

[AK_Mom4]

When DD18 was that age, she seemed to lose the filter on her mouth for a while. I ignored it for a while, then I had enough. The next mean thing out of her mouth prompted me to say "Wow! That was rude!" and send her to her room until she could be polite around other people. It took a few repeats, but it let her know that it was not acceptable to be rude to me just because I was her mom.

 

DD10 hasn't shown any signs of this yet, but if she does, I will not let it go on so long. I'm the mom, not the doormat!

[Julie in CA]

Is this just puberty talking? Should I ignore it? Am I over-sensitive?

I don't think you are being over-sensitive, and I don't think you should ignore it.

 

Yes, kids go through stages where they're less kind and considerate, but that doesn't mean you should tolerate unkindness, especially from someone for whom you provide all earthly necessities. I'm especially sensitive to mistreatment of family, because I want to make sure that they don't carry emotionally abusive behaviors over to their own spouse and children some day. And yes, being nasty to someone about their appearance is, in my opinion, emotionally abusive.

 

It sounds as though you've tried correcting her in other ways, and she just hasn't caught on yet. In that case, I would explain that she's been displaying unkind behavior and that there will now be no tolerance for that. Each and every time she's unkind, she goes to her room for a predetermined amount of time, or loses an activity that she finds pleasurable. If she cannot contain her thoughts simply because it's the right thing to do, you can help her contain her words & attitudes because it will be painful to her if she does not.

 

I'd still work on the heart issue, which (I don't know how to say this...so please understand that I mean it kindly) sounds like a fair amount of arrogance on her part. Doing things well is not the be-all end-all of success. Success shouldn't be measured by how smart we are, or how good we are at inconsequentials. It is all about being a person that is good at heart.

 

Maybe you can try to stress the value of generosity, kindness, and humility, and really downplay academics and intelligence for a little while. I'd look for a way that she can spend lots of time serving people who are less fortunate than she is, and it wouldn't be for an hour or two, but a routine for her from now through high school. I'd do the best I could to find a job for her where she's performing grunt work. Hard, out-of-the-spotlight and often unrecognized hard labor. Maybe she can volunteer some time at a rescue mission or shelter, somewhere where people may not be beautiful and smart, but still deserve respect.

 

In the meantime, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

If you've not asked your dh to stop making denigrating comments under the guise of humor, I think you should now. You deserve to be valued by your entire family, and I'm absolutely certain you're a good and special person, and a great mom, and you should be treated as such!

Edited April 22, 2012 by Julie in CA

[Mothersweets]

I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I think your dh should tell dd to be knock it off and show some respect for Mom.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Mothersweets

[susankenny]

I'd really have a one-on-one talk with an analogy of how words cut deep and can't really be taken back once they're said (use toothpaste perhaps and squeeze it out, showing her that you can't put it back in...explain that words are the same way). There is a golden rule, "Treat others how you want to be treated". I doubt she herself could take it emotionally the same that she is dishing out to you. Honestly, it hurt my feelings just reading your post. I'm sure your haircut is beautiful & who cares if you're one size up! :grouphug: We have all been there. Lastly, talk to your husband. I know he is just poking fun and it doesn't bother you at all, but she is still learning that behavior from him so I would address it until this blows over.

 

 

Susan

[Trish]

Kindness trumps "truth" -- often used as an excuse for saying mean things. (and as an aside, I doubt her comment about your haircut was true, it probably had more to do with her mood, or a changed look) Humor is also not an acceptable excuse for unkind remarks. I know you've accepted that from your husband because he loves you and you know that (as does your daughter), but if the remarks make you feel bad, he should stop. It's setting a bad example for your daughter. If people want to make jokes about appearances, that type of humor should be strictly limited to SELF. haha! Don't I look ridiculous! Oh, my, "I" am allergic to salad or fussy about food, or whatever. Go ahead, share the SELF humor. Leave others out of it.

 

You'll be doing your daughter a favor if you call her out on rudeness EVERY time it occurs. If she says she is just being honest, then have her go to her room and rethink of ways to share her honesty in a nice way. It's a great social skill that she'll be needing someday (if not yesterday!) Good luck!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Elizabeth in MN]

Don't ignore it. Come down, come down hard, and come down often. There is *no* excuse for her behaving like that.

[DianeW88]

You need to be firm and she needs to be punished for every rude or arrogant thing she says. Tooting one's own horn isn't allowed or acceptable, and neither is disparaging or mocking someone.

 

Your dh might want to try what a friend of mine did with his son when he made some smart remark to his mother at breakfast. My friend grabbed his son by the arm and said very calmly, "You will never speak to my wife in that tone of voice again. Is that understood?" The son never did and has grown up to be an amazing young man who always treats his mom with kindness and respect.

 

Nip it in the bud now, because if you don't, it will only get worse.

[Slipper]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to start sending her to her room when she does it. And I'm going to ask DH to think twice before speaking as the tone/joking of his comments escapes her. I'm hopeful that it will tone down the attitude we're seeing recently.

[Kirch]

I think it's appropriate too to have a conversation along the lines of : "I love you very much, but you are not my peer, my boss, or my critic -- you are my daughter. It's not your place to approve or disapprove or speak your piece about my appearance. You will treat me with respect or you will go to your room."

 

It sounds like she's pushing at those boundaries, and if you don't establish now what's ok and what's not, it'll be much harder later on.

[dangermom]

I'm glad you will be doing those things. I would also recommend that you read the book "Mindset" about intelligence and attitude.

 

She needs to stop thinking that being smart is all that important. Intelligence is great, but it won't get you far without some other attributes too. I have known so many bright kids who crashed and burned when they got to the wider world and found out that they weren't always the smartest kid in the room, or that actual work would be required.

[gardenmom5]

if she's heading into the tween/teen years, you'll just have to wait. 1dd did apologize for being an obnoxious teen - when she was 17 (and that's precocious)

[OnTheBrink]

I think it's appropriate too to have a conversation along the lines of : "I love you very much, but you are not my peer, my boss, or my critic -- you are my daughter. It's not your place to approve or disapprove or speak your piece about my appearance. You will treat me with respect or you will go to your room."

 

It sounds like she's pushing at those boundaries, and if you don't establish now what's ok and what's not, it'll be much harder later on.

 

I've had to tell my dd this same thing; that we're not peers and there is a hierarchy in this home and I'm at the top.

 

And, *getting up on soap box* just because kids this age behave like this doesn't make it ok. "Normal" just means it's common, or the norm. It doesn't excuse bad behavior just because it's "normal" for kids to act a certain way. I'd not only send her to her room, but she'd be in there sans phone, ipad, ipod, iwhatever and have no means to vent to her pals how mean you are. She can sit there in silence and live with herself for a few minutes (hours!).

 

Something I can not and will not contend with is disrespect. And, you shouldn't have to, either!

[Lizzie in Ma]

Kindness trumps "truth" -- often used as an excuse for saying mean things. (and as an aside, I doubt her comment about your haircut was true, it probably had more to do with her mood, or a changed look) Humor is also not an acceptable excuse for unkind remarks. I know you've accepted that from your husband because he loves you and you know that (as does your daughter), but if the remarks make you feel bad, he should stop. It's setting a bad example for your daughter. If people want to make jokes about appearances, that type of humor should be strictly limited to SELF. haha! Don't I look ridiculous! Oh, my, "I" am allergic to salad or fussy about food, or whatever. Go ahead, share the SELF humor. Leave others out of it.

 

You'll be doing your daughter a favor if you call her out on rudeness EVERY time it occurs. If she says she is just being honest, then have her go to her room and rethink of ways to share her honesty in a nice way. It's a great social skill that she'll be needing someday (if not yesterday!) Good luck!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

I would be hurt too, NOT ok.

[Candid]

In addition to what has already been said, I'd sit down and have a talk with hubby.

 

Her brain may not yet register the differences in what he says and what she says. She may well be trying to be funny. Either way you need to consider that she is just repeating what he says OR at least in her mind what she thinks he says.

 

If this is the case he can come at her with a lot more POWER. If you say much of what is said here from her point of view you may just sound whiney and like you are saying Dad is wrong. If Dad says it he can tell her she is wrong and he isn't seen as just defending himself.

 

He can also talk about how character is beautiful, maybe why he feel in love with you is your beautiful sweet character AND how he is seeing that her character isn't being very beautiful right now.

[TXMomof4]

I think it's appropriate too to have a conversation along the lines of : "I love you very much, but you are not my peer, my boss, or my critic -- you are my daughter. It's not your place to approve or disapprove or speak your piece about my appearance. You will treat me with respect or you will go to your room."

 

It sounds like she's pushing at those boundaries, and if you don't establish now what's ok and what's not, it'll be much harder later on.

 

:iagree: My dd is almost 11 and we have this discussion about once a week. We are a very relaxed, easy-going family and joke around a LOT. But there are boundaries that do NOT get crossed and being ugly to me is one of them. Luckily, dd is very sensitive and the idea that she actually hurt me really kicks her in the pants. Until the next time. :glare:

[PiCO]

I'm glad you will be doing those things. I would also recommend that you read the book "Mindset" about intelligence and attitude.

 

She needs to stop thinking that being smart is all that important. Intelligence is great, but it won't get you far without some other attributes too. I have known so many bright kids who crashed and burned when they got to the wider world and found out that they weren't always the smartest kid in the room, or that actual work would be required.

 

This, for SURE. Intelligence isn't something one can work on having more of. It's a great tool to have in your toolbox, but it's not going to get you where you want to go in life all by itself.

 

The attribute that will get you the farthest is the ability to get along with others (be a leader, get people to cheerfully follow.) Your dd should think about that!

 

BTW- I can totally relate to your problem- my 13 yo has her moments of superiority. I'm so glad she has a great self esteem, but really child- you need to be kind.

[DarlaS]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to start sending her to her room when she does it. And I'm going to ask DH to think twice before speaking as the tone/joking of his comments escapes her. I'm hopeful that it will tone down the attitude we're seeing recently.

 

Oh, she very likely knows he is joking, but seizes the opportunity to file away a handy "weapon" to use against mom. Remember cattiness from middle school? Yeah. Girls that age excel at it.

 

Anyway. :grouphug:

 

My dd will be 12 this summer. She is the only girl, and a bit of a daddy's girl too. I can totally relate. :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh, and I'm glad you plan to talk to your dh. If he's like mine, his little girl can do no wrong though. :glare:

[Negin]

I'm glad you will be doing those things. I would also recommend that you read the book "Mindset" about intelligence and attitude.

She needs to stop thinking that being smart is all that important. Intelligence is great, but it won't get you far without some other attributes too. I have known so many bright kids who crashed and burned when they got to the wider world and found out that they weren't always the smartest kid in the room, or that actual work would be required.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

This book is an absolute gem and one that dh and I have loved. We read parts of it to our dc from time to time. It's the sort of book I hope to read and re-read. Need constant reminders.

[Slipper]

Thanks for all the responses. :) DD is actually really good at things that don't require intelligence, it's just her intelligence is commented on more often. Her karate instructor told me that DD is "unusually and exceptionally gifted and talented in learning karate". She's the fastest runner on her soccer team and has absolutely no fear in charging towards the ball. Because she's small, during cheer season she's top of the pyramid. Her teachers in the past have told me that DD is looked up to by the other kids in the class and they go to her to solve problems and disputes. Recently, the teacher told me that she asked the class a tricky question and DD was the only one to choose a particular answer. The entire class changed their answer to match hers based on faith that she was right (and she was).

 

These are the things that I told DD would disappear over time. Eventually kids will learn their own confidence and not always follow her. She will meet other kids who are good in karate, etc and who are smarter than she is. That concept she has difficulty with.

 

She doesn't do volunteer work (although I'm determined to find something for both of them next year). Her drive seems to be more towards accomplishments than building relationships. (I've wondered more than once if she didn't have a touch of aspergers). Her sweetest moments are towards our oldest daughter - she helps dress her, feed her, etc. (We all do, our oldest needs a lot of care).

 

I'll order "Mindset" as well. I need all the help I can get. :tongue_smilie:

[dangermom]

 

These are the things that I told DD would disappear over time. Eventually kids will learn their own confidence and not always follow her. She will meet other kids who are good in karate, etc and who are smarter than she is. That concept she has difficulty with.

 

 

Yes, you are right that she is going to need to grasp that--the sooner the better! Kids who build their self-identity on being the best effortlessly have a really hard time when they get to college (or whenever they hit the big pond). Volunteer work is a good idea, and so is finding something for her that will require her to work hard and not be the best.

[happypamama]

Your dh might want to try what a friend of mine did with his son when he made some smart remark to his mother at breakfast. My friend grabbed his son by the arm and said very calmly, "You will never speak to my wife in that tone of voice again. Is that understood?" The son never did and has grown up to be an amazing young man who always treats his mom with kindness and respect.

 

 

 

I really agree with this, getting Dad involved. This is especially helpful with my boys; they are very sweet but can occasionally get in moods where they're miffed at me and express it inappropriately. Nothing gets them to straighten up faster than my husband getting down on their level, looking them in the eye, and informing them that that is not how they are to talk to their mother. Dad carries a lot of weight. (In my house, quite literally, actually; I'm tiny, and DH is 6'2" and big and muscular. I'm sure that physical size really helps back his emotional strength.)

 

Also, can your DH spend some extra time with your DD? With three girls in the house, does he have someone who is his "buddy?" When DD was little, she was able to be both the girly princess AND Daddy's little adventure buddy. Now that she has brothers who are more interested in doing typical boy things, sometimes she feels a bit edged out because girly stuff isn't Daddy's thing. She gets the peer relationship with me that her brothers get/will get with Daddy, but it takes more effort for DH to meet her on "her" side, if that makes sense. So maybe your husband and your DD need to find some special ways to relate to each other.

[TranquilMind]

Kirch: think it's appropriate too to have a conversation along the lines of : "I love you very much, but you are not my peer, my boss, or my critic -- you are my daughter. It's not your place to approve or disapprove or speak your piece about my appearance. You will treat me with respect or you will go to your room."

 

I've been saying this for years. It has never worked. How do you make this work. I just get laughed at now: My oldest truly believes we are peers and have equal say.

 

It doesn't matter how many times it is repeated. There is no "putting her in her room" when we are the same size, basically.

 

How does this work...or is it too late?

 

It sounds like she's pushing at those boundaries, and if you don't establish now what's ok and what's not, it'll be much harder later on

 

 

No kidding. I always thought I was a tough, no-nonsense Mom on these things. I got good results in the earlier years, mostly. Well, this "Immovable mountain (me)" has met the irresistable force (daughter).

 

Help! Sorry, I don't want to derail but it might be helpful for those with younger daughters like this OP to know how to fix it so she doesn't end up here, and it might help others like me. Oh, and my husband IS involved, spends loads of time with the kids and has always had a good relationship...and is just as flummoxed as me.

[Slipper]

I've received lots of good info, so derail away! :D

[Kirch]

I've been saying this for years. It has never worked. How do you make this work. I just get laughed at now: My oldest truly believes we are peers and have equal say.

 

It doesn't matter how many times it is repeated. There is no "putting her in her room" when we are the same size, basically.

 

How does this work...or is it too late?

 

 

 

No kidding. I always thought I was a tough, no-nonsense Mom on these things. I got good results in the earlier years, mostly. Well, this "Immovable mountain (me)" has met the irresistable force (daughter).

 

Help! Sorry, I don't want to derail but it might be helpful for those with younger daughters like this OP to know how to fix it so she doesn't end up here, and it might help others like me. Oh, and my husband IS involved, spends loads of time with the kids and has always had a good relationship...and is just as flummoxed as me.

 

Well, how old is she? It sounds like you're not putting any teeth behind what you say and she knows it. I think in that situation, everything in this child's life would come to a screeching halt until her respect for your authority was established. No outside activities, no phone/computer/tv/other electronics. No rides to go anywhere, nothing. Even meals -- I'd be tempted to refuse to allow her to sit at the table and eat with the family if she can't be respectful -- she can either eat when everyone else is done or have pbj in her room. You have to insist on respect, or she'll walk all over you. If she's an older teen, your job will be much harder. Still, though, if she can't be respectful, she loses privileges. I don't feel particularly obligated to do much of anything for people who are rude to me. Provide for basic needs, but that would be about it. As far as not going to her room when told, again, everything STOPS until she obeys -- no playing, no activities, no electronics, etc. Tell her once how it's going to work, then walk away and ignore as much as possible until she obeys. Again, though, if she's an older teen, it's going to be much harder.

[justamouse]

You need to be firm and she needs to be punished for every rude or arrogant thing she says. Tooting one's own horn isn't allowed or acceptable, and neither is disparaging or mocking someone.

 

Your dh might want to try what a friend of mine did with his son when he made some smart remark to his mother at breakfast. My friend grabbed his son by the arm and said very calmly, "You will never speak to my wife in that tone of voice again. Is that understood?" The son never did and has grown up to be an amazing young man who always treats his mom with kindness and respect.

 

Nip it in the bud now, because if you don't, it will only get worse.

:iagree:

 

They get to an age and think they can comment like a peer. Nope, sorry, you're not allowed to talk to *anyone* like that.