possibly putting DS#2 in ps....

[dakarimom5]

I just want to cry. I feel like I have failed. I'm trying not to be all dramatic and make it about me, but I am very upset. My 13yo DS is unhappy. He says he wants to go back to ps so he can get a "social life". I keep saying that that is not the reason children go to school . And I am just frustrated because he and my DH see bullying as normal, something that happens to everyone.

 

I'm really just thinking out loud here since I have 20 million things running through my head. Do I put him back in now or wait until next year when he starts high school? Did I do enough academically? When I brought him home at the end of 6th grade he read and wrote at a 3rd grade level, I know he has improved greatly but I'm not sure he is up to grade level yet. I wasn't going to start high school level courses until the year after next.

 

I just don't know which is the right way to go. Do I put him into school where he wants to be but knowing that he will be bullied? Or do I keep him home where he is unhappy and makes teaching the littles difficult? Anyone have any wisdom or BTDT?

[Catwoman]

I think you need to do what you believe is best for your son. (If it's also what he wants, so be it, but remember that you're the "older and wiser" one, and you know what's best for him.)

 

Personally, I think it's awful that both he and your dh consider bullying to be somehow "normal." Was your ds bullied in the past?

 

One thing I think you really need to do if you're even considering sending him to ps -- have him take a standardized test to see if he's at grade level, and if not, what areas need improvement. If he's really behind the curve, I would rule out school completely. It will be too difficult and too stressful -- both for him and for you. You could also give him an ultimatum, which would be that he needs to achieve a certain level of mastery of each subject before you will even consider allowing him to go to ps.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged, and I wish I was there to give you a big :grouphug: of encouragement.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can hear your frustration in your post. What have you done to provide for social opportunities for him now? Is he involved in any sports, clubs, groups? Would it be possible to put those things on a higher priority for him?

[catz]

 

One thing I think you really need to do if you're even considering sending him to ps -- have him take a standardized test to see if he's at grade level, and if not, what areas need improvement. If he's really behind the curve, I would rule out school completely. It will be too difficult and too stressful -- both for him and for you. You could also give him an ultimatum, which would be that he needs to achieve a certain level of mastery of each subject before you will even consider allowing him to go

 

:iagree: I wouldn't let him go unless he's at least at grade level. Maybe this will motivate him. I think it would be way to frustrating to drop him into high school if he isn't ready academically.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I wouldn't enroll him in the middle of the school year.

 

You could make a game plan with him, telling him that his English and math skills need to be such that he's ready for 9th grade, and see what happens from there.

[QueenCat]

I can hear your frustration in your post. What have you done to provide for social opportunities for him now? Is he involved in any sports, clubs, groups? Would it be possible to put those things on a higher priority for him?

 

If you aren't doing the above, try it. Maybe he'll be more amicable & not fight you on staying home. My dh didn't want to homeschool our eldest because of the social stuff. When I proved there were still plenty of opportunities to meet people & be around others, beyond the family, he was more on-board.

[dakarimom5]

My son received special services when he was in school. Part of the reason I pulled him out was that they modified his work so much that he couldn't write a complete sentence. The other reason I pulled him out was that he was bullied. That resulted in me having to pick him up from school, in tears, at least once a week.

 

My DH suggested we put him in at the start of the school year. But in thinking about all that I will have to line up concerning his IEP, that now might be the better time. It could all be done before high school next year.

 

And neither my DH or son are thinking about what this will do to the household. No vacations in August and September, early bedtimes for him not the homeschoolers, no more movie nights in the middle of the week. My head is spinning at all the changes and challenges that I (not my DH) have to make.

 

And Jean, to answer your question about social activities, we are a part of a homeschool group. But my DS doesn't really try to make friends with anyone when we do things. And most of the friends he has made are younger than him or people that talked to him first. Next year we were going to do football and a co-op. He has friends on our street that he hangs out with, plus he goes to the local activity center twice a week.

[susankenny]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I wouldn't enroll him in the middle of the school year.

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

why are you so positive he will be bullied? children who come across "weak" are generally the targets of bullies. bullies generally leave self-confident children alone.

 

have you been testing your son every year? that should tell you where he is in relation to his grade/age level.

 

eta: enroll him in a martial arts -the chilren develop great self-control and presence and generally bullies leave them alone. (so they don't have to actually whack the bully - but if the bully is foolish enough to start something, they can defend themself.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some kids do great when they go into p.s. in the older grades. I don't know you or your son irl of course, but from your description here, it sounds like the main reasons you pulled him from ps haven't really changed. He is still struggling academically, it sounds like, even though it also sounds like he's been making some strides in his work. It also sounds like his social skills are not super to begin with.

 

I agree with the suggestion of martial arts. My ds14 has made friends and has really improved in confidence and physical strength in tae kwando. In our case, we pay a monthly tuition that allows ds to go to tae kwando 4x a week. That almost daily contact with other teens has been positive for him. The master definitely does not allow any bullying. And the kids are taught good principles and values for living as well as self defense skills and the sport of tae kwando.

[Catwoman]

 

My DH suggested we put him in at the start of the school year. But in thinking about all that I will have to line up concerning his IEP, that now might be the better time. It could all be done before high school next year.

 

And neither my DH or son are thinking about what this will do to the household. No vacations in August and September, early bedtimes for him not the homeschoolers, no more movie nights in the middle of the week. My head is spinning at all the changes and challenges that I (not my DH) have to make.

 

Why is your dh so insistent that your ds go back to ps, if he didn't do well there in the past? Middle school can be tough for any kid on a social level, but a kid who has been bullied in the past may be quite the target for the meaner boys. And I think starting in the middle of the year would be tremendously stressful, both socially and academically, unless he already has friends in the school, and you've been teaching him strictly following ps guidelines.

 

Personally, you're not saying anything to convince me that your ds should go back to school, and it sounds like it will be a lot of trouble for you on a daily basis as well, so I'm not sure why you're considering it -- especially the part about putting him in school now instead of next fall.

 

What am I missing here? :confused: I'm not anti-ps, but in your ds's case, keeping him at home seems far more sensible. He may be behind academically, and he has been targeted by bullies in the past. I'm not seeing the positive aspects of sending him to ps, so I'm hoping you can clarify your reasoning.

 

Edited to add: I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bashing you; I'm just trying to understand more about the situation.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Catwoman

[ktgrok]

Hmm...I was in a similar situation last year. By the end of last year, and over the summer, I heard EVERY SINGLE DAY how much my son wanted to go back to public school. He was miserable. He complained and had fits and was actually diagnosed as depressed. I cried at night about it. And then I started a homeschool support group for kids his age (middle school) as there wasn't one. I put in the hours and got it up and running. I organize park days weekly, ice cream meet ups, movie days, and field trips. And he made friends. And he hasn't asked even one time to go back to public school this year!!! He says he has friends now and he is really happy. I can't believe the difference. He is even contemplating homeschooling for highschool, which blows me away.

 

So what I am saying is, can you put the effort into meeting his needs for social interaction another way? For my son he needed friends who were homeschooled like him. He needed to feel normal. Until then most of his friends if not all were in public school and he felt abnormal.

[ktgrok]

Putting him in middle school this year won't help him with the IEP for highschool. If it is a different school you will have to start all over. You could meet with the guidance counselor or whomever at the high school now though, to find out what you need to do to get that ball rolling. I wouldn't put him in in the middle of the year this year.

 

And I would REALLy work on having him make friends with other homeschooled kids. Invite one over for pizza and a movie or something. Or go out for ice cream with one other family. Find out what teen groups there are in your area for homeschool kids. If there isn't one start one right now.

[Catwoman]

And then I started a homeschool support group for kids his age (middle school) as there wasn't one. I put in the hours and got it up and running. I organize park days weekly, ice cream meet ups, movie days, and field trips. And he made friends. And he hasn't asked even one time to go back to public school this year!!! He says he has friends now and he is really happy. I can't believe the difference. He is even contemplating homeschooling for highschool, which blows me away.

 

I think that was an excellent idea. :hurray: I'm so glad things are working out so well for your son (and for you, too, because even though starting and running the group is a lot of work, it's a lot more stressful to spend 24/7 worrying about your child when you know he's unhappy.)

[SailorMom]

My son wanted to go back for 8th grade, and we let him. He did great. This was purely for social reasons, and that he wanted to be in PS for high school.

 

Unless the school is dangerous, or it has a horrible academic record - I think you need to take a fresh look a this. PS will not ruin him. It will not ruin his life. And maybe your DS and DH believe he is now going to be able to stand up to any bullying and make it end (maybe they see this as hiding from it?).

 

If he is below grade level - perhaps the ball needs to placed in his hands. Tell him you are not willing to put him in school until he can be considered grade level with his peers. Once he reaches that goal, he can go back. Not only will you see how truly motivated he is ( ;) ) but the control will be given back to him. At his age - teens are trying to get some sort of level of control over their lives. Remember - in less than 5 years, he'll be an adult and will be making all of these decisions for himself anyway. Beginning to allow some level of control and easing him into that part of his life will be enormously helpful for him.

 

Even if going back to PS is a horrible decision in the long run - he will know it was his decision, and will be able to decide how to handle it from there. I'm not saying let him fail miserably - but allowing him some level of failure now when you and DH are there to catch him is better than not.

[SailorMom]

As an aside - making HS friends in middle school...

This is not as easy as it sounds.

I tried to develop a middle school social group for my son last year. All of the parents were, pardon me, but complete flakes. We planned out months in advance in my kitchen, let the kids take control and decide for themselves, and they were all very excited. But the parents couldn't bother to be on top of their schedules, and most of the time wouldn't even bother to call to cancel.

Additionally, all the groups here with active teens have a statement of faith we can't sign.

My sons have basically no home-school teen friends. I think it is a very sad situation - but there isn't much else I can do about it.

[simka2]

My son wanted to go back for 8th grade, and we let him. He did great. This was purely for social reasons, and that he wanted to be in PS for high school.

 

Unless the school is dangerous, or it has a horrible academic record - I think you need to take a fresh look a this. PS will not ruin him. It will not ruin his life. And maybe your DS and DH believe he is now going to be able to stand up to any bullying and make it end (maybe they see this as hiding from it?).

 

If he is below grade level - perhaps the ball needs to placed in his hands. Tell him you are not willing to put him in school until he can be considered grade level with his peers. Once he reaches that goal, he can go back. Not only will you see how truly motivated he is ( ;) ) but the control will be given back to him. At his age - teens are trying to get some sort of level of control over their lives. Remember - in less than 5 years, he'll be an adult and will be making all of these decisions for himself anyway. Beginning to allow some level of control and easing him into that part of his life will be enormously helpful for him.

 

Even if going back to PS is a horrible decision in the long run - he will know it was his decision, and will be able to decide how to handle it from there. I'm not saying let him fail miserably - but allowing him some level of failure now when you and DH are there to catch him is better than not.

:iagree: I read your post last night and was hesitant to respond, because my children are not quite as old as yours.

 

My kids wanted to go back to ps (4th and 5th grade for the oldest) I decided to let them give it a shot. It did not work out and two months later they are home.

 

I see pro's and con's to letting him go back now, or at the begininng of next year. I see cons to his self esteem if he is far behind. I see pro's in that he may find new ground to appreciate homeschooling (mine did).

 

Here is what I have learned. I will not ever put my kids in a ps with a poor academic record. There are just to many con's: academics + the normal ps issues. If I am going to deal with the challenges that come with having kids in large masses, at least I want to be assured of great academic opportunity.

[kathymuggle]

Please forgive my brevity….kids to deal with :D

 

I would not put him in until next year

 

I would try to get him up to grade level in writing and math…especially math (the writing skills can come somewhat in school, gaps in math are trickier to overcome)

 

I have 3 kids - 9, 13 and 16. My 13 yr old went to school at the beginning of grade 7, my 16 year old went at the beginning of grade 10. All in all, I am happier with the high school program and social scene than I am (by far) with the middle school scene.

 

13 is a tough age for many kids - period. It can be a tough age to find appropriate activities. A lot of the activities around here are for little kids aged 6-12, with the average age being 8 or so. Older kids often feel left out. They are still too young to hang with the older teens….. Hang in there. They will age and a new cohort of people to hang out with will come. I find 11-13 a wasteland in terms of decent extra-curriculur activities.

[UmMusa]

My son wanted to go back for 8th grade, and we let him. He did great. This was purely for social reasons, and that he wanted to be in PS for high school.

 

Unless the school is dangerous, or it has a horrible academic record - I think you need to take a fresh look a this. PS will not ruin him. It will not ruin his life. And maybe your DS and DH believe he is now going to be able to stand up to any bullying and make it end (maybe they see this as hiding from it?).

 

If he is below grade level - perhaps the ball needs to placed in his hands. Tell him you are not willing to put him in school until he can be considered grade level with his peers. Once he reaches that goal, he can go back. Not only will you see how truly motivated he is ( ;) ) but the control will be given back to him. At his age - teens are trying to get some sort of level of control over their lives. Remember - in less than 5 years, he'll be an adult and will be making all of these decisions for himself anyway. Beginning to allow some level of control and easing him into that part of his life will be enormously helpful for him.

 

Even if going back to PS is a horrible decision in the long run - he will know it was his decision, and will be able to decide how to handle it from there. I'm not saying let him fail miserably - but allowing him some level of failure now when you and DH are there to catch him is better than not.

These are some reasons why I'm letting my DS11 go to public school next year. He is miserable at home.

[boscopup]

Knowing you and the kids IRL and knowing more info about the whole situation, I would suggest putting him back in school so you can concentrate on the littles. I think he's going to just poison the littles' attitudes about school, and you don't need that.

 

For the bullying, would it help to put him back a year? That would also give him extra time to be prepared for high school. I know he probably wouldn't like that, but it's certainly an option.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: I agree with PPs that doing a standardized test to see exactly where he is would be a good idea. Use the same test they used at school (likely SAT10), so you can see whether he has improved or stayed the same relative to his grade level.

Edited March 13, 2012 by boscopup

[KungFuPanda]

Sometimes middle school can be worse than high school. I see no harm in skipping it even if your child plans to attend high school. What if you give him clear goals to accomplish before he can enroll in high school? Maybe working through an algebra course, or finishing up a language arts curriculum, or doing well in a summer academic class? In the mean time, you can make sure he has regular social interaction with teens. I know some homeschoolers balk at this, but I think a busy teen is a happy teen and they just don't want to hang out with the elementary set 24/7.

 

I did the unthinkable. I just allowed my teen who has never been to school, to enroll in a public high school . . .mid-year no less. She had been asking since middle school and we let her go as a second semester 9th grader. She's only been in a few weeks, but so far it has gone amazingly well. I went in expecting to do battle, but everyone at the school was so nice. They accepted her homeschool credits and grades, and placed her in honors classes when I requested them.

 

Don't think she's an overachieving homeschooling prodigy. She's bright, but does what is asked and no more. She fit right into her classes and is enjoying herself. She likes all of her teachers. She LOVES the theatre department at her school. We just saw a musical there this weekend and none of our homeschooling productions ever approached this scale. I really SHOULD have enrolled her at the beginning of the year. I know I got darn lucky that things went so smoothly.

 

If the honeymoon ends and high school isn't everything she hoped, she always has the option of returning to homeschooling and dual enrolling on community college classes. We still have choices, but right now she's enjoying herself and, once I got over mourning that I wasn't chosen, I'm enjoying all the extra free time in my day that I'm not teaching high school. I have ONE student at home. It's luxurious :-)

[Tarreymere]

I would be very skeptical of putting a child into a different educational program just because the child requested it for social reasons. School isn't supposed to be about social opportunities. School is supposed to be about education. I think a big part of what is wrong with public education today is that the children seem to focus more on social activities than on academics. If your son is stating outright that he wants to go to public school for social reasons, not academic reasons, why would you agree? I'm sure he thinks spending time with friends and goofing around all day sounds wonderful, what kid wouldn't? Unfortunately it would most likely adversely affect his academic progress.

 

Not to be snarky, but I have a stepson who graduated from our local public high school. He has a lot of friends, but he can't properly fill out a job application or pass basic skills tests at a local employment agency. He was lucky to get a part time job in fast food. If I had a do-over and some control in that situation I'd say "You can worry about having more friends later!". And actually, with the activities you listed your child gets plenty of social interaction and opportunity to make friends so you could encourage him to work with that instead.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

During my son's eighth-grade year, I was fighting with him everyday to complete his work (we are not talking about TWTM-level of education here-just the bare minimum). Sometime during the next summer, looking at all of the unfinished work, I decided that I couldn't motivate him and he needed outside motivation.

 

So, I sent him to public high school. He has struggled with some courses, flown through others and gained a love of some subjects (French and Science) because of some very enthusiastic teachers. He is managing his own time, taking pride in his work and being very responsible. He is shocked by the apathy towards education and the disrespect shown by some of his fellow students.

 

Our relationship has changed. We are no longer adversaries. I have not lost him to public school. He shares his thoughts and concerns with me. Shares his failures, struggles and accomplishments with me. We talk about teenage behavior, culture etc. I still yell at him in frustration now and then about his homework/grades and then work with him to help him do better. But he's DOING more, he's moving FORWARD, and he's GROWING.

 

The first 14 years of his life, I was by his side and had time to develop a good relationship with him. Just because he's at school for 7 hours a day, doesn't mean we no longer have a relationship. Our relationship is just different than it was when I was his teacher.

 

I honestly think that if he'd stayed home, we would have had another year of unfinished work and little progress. I think our relationship would have deteriorated too.

 

Just sharing my experience. YMMV:001_smile:

 

Hth,

 

K

[trlt]

I have not been in your situation but I do have a son that is in 9th grade now (public school). If your son is not making friends with peers in other situations:

 

"But my DS doesn't really try to make friends with anyone when we do things. And most of the friends he has made are younger than him or people that talked to him first."

 

why does he think he will if he goes to PS? I only ask because my son was in middle school for an entire year and did not make friends at all....a whole year without friends at school. He had neighborhood friends but in school he had none. My son does not make friends easily and is not the first to make contact, kwim? It sounds a lot like your son. I only point this out because maybe it will make it easier for you to make a decision.