S/O Just Musing WHY Marriages End

[Tohru]

On the why marriages end thread, some one had mentioned that generally the culprit, other than selfishness, is one of the 3 A's: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction.

 

It is always so heart-wrenching to see a marriage go through troubled waters, especially when there are children involved. Can some one bring some light and give examples or ideas on how a marriage could survive after one of the 3 A's, specifically after adultery? Do you know any one that saved their marriage after such a traumatic and painful thing?

[RainbowSprinkles]

I actually know quite a few women who stayed with their husbands after being cheated on. Why, I don't know.

 

I can take a lot, but adultery is not something I would forgive.

 

 

ETA: I don't know anyone who dealt with abuse or addiction. Except for my mother, but she is not married to the guy and chooses to stay anyway. I guess to her it's better than being on her own?

Edited March 7, 2012 by RainbowSprinkles

[kewb]

I have always believed that in a lot of cases adultery is a symptom of another problem. If you can solve that problem then yes, I think the marriage could survive it. I do know of one marriage where they are both guilty of cheating and they remain married. How solid their marriage is, I can't say.

 

Addiction or abuse, I don't see how that marriage could survive and if it was me I would not want to remain in such a marriage.

[CalicoKat]

On the why marriages end thread, some one had mentioned that generally the culprit, other than selfishness, is one of the 3 A's: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction.

 

It is always so heart-wrenching to see a marriage go through troubled waters, especially when there are children involved. Can some one bring some light and give examples or ideas on how a marriage could survive after one of the 3 A's, specifically after adultery? Do you know any one that saved their marriage after such a traumatic and painful thing?

 

Marriages are like gardens. They're prettier and more productive if tended often (by both partners).

[stripe]

On the why marriages end thread, some one had mentioned that generally the culprit, other than selfishness, is one of the 3 A's: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction.

 

It is always so heart-wrenching to see a marriage go through troubled waters, especially when there are children involved. Can some one bring some light and give examples or ideas on how a marriage could survive after one of the 3 A's, specifically after adultery? Do you know any one that saved their marriage after such a traumatic and painful thing?

 

I think money is supposed to be the number one reason.

 

I think some women decide they like their life and would like to move forward. Others, I think, feel trapped and put up with all sorts of nonsense. Other women don't care ( there are women in polygynous marriages who find it meets their needs or whatever), and certain cultures where this is so common women don't expect monogamy.

[NotAVampireLvr]

Marriages are like gardens. They're prettier and more productive if tended often (by both partners).

:iagree:

 

I am happily married - that said, it is A LOT of work to keep our marriage healthy. I don't mean that negatively really, but it is really hard work. Because we love each other it doesn't feel like work at all, but looking at the effort we put in from the outside in - yeah its a lot of work. I think many people go into it with rose colored glasses.

[jjins]

I would like to add laziness, desire for instant gratification, entitlement and idealistic to selfishness.

[CupOCoffee]

:iagree:

 

I am happily married - that said, it is A LOT of work to keep our marriage healthy. I don't mean that negatively really, but it is really hard work. Because we love each other it doesn't feel like work at all, but looking at the effort we put in from the outside in - yeah its a lot of work. I think many people go into it with rose colored glasses.

 

I would like to add laziness, desire for instant gratification, entitlement and idealistic to selfishness.

 

AMEN! As I celebrate 25 years of marriage today, I couldn't agree with these 2 posts more!

 

Has it always been an easy road -- h*ll no! We've been there and back, trust me. We chose to fight for our marriage and take our vows very seriously.

 

~coffee~

[m0mmaBuck]

Our priest, during our pre-marital classes, said the reasons couples fight and marriages dissolve boil down to s*x, children, and money. I'd say that these broad subjects have encompassed every fight DH and I have ever had.

[StephanieZ]

I would like to add laziness, desire for instant gratification, entitlement and idealistic to selfishness.

 

TBH, I think these (except idealistic . . . I am good with that, lol) are the root causes of most of the 3As as well as other causes for divorce and other relationship failures. Choosing a weak, shallow partner is not going to be a recipe for true happiness in marriage, and the best one could hope for is a shallow companionship by making a lot of compromises and carrying most of the load yourself, IMHO.

 

I think money is an excuse. People fight about money, but that is because they are NOT fighting about something deeper that they can't face. They can't face (or understand) the feelings of alienation, loneliness, rejection, etc . . . so they fight about whether to spend on a vacation or a TV. If they didn't have deeper problems, they wouldn't be fighting about money.

 

In my personal marriage, I think one of the keys to our stability and happiness is perseverence/stubbornness on top of profound mutual respect and admiration. Passion or even friendship might ebb and flow, but when you profoundly admire and respect your partner for their character and humanity, that kind of feeling is just never changing, IME. I *see* and *know* my husband, and I feel that he likewise *sees* and *knows* me. Both because of and in spite of that intimate knowledge, we profoundly respect and admire each other, and that would never change (for me anyways, lol), even if he went crazy and walked out tomorrow with a bimbo on each arm. (Not that I would tolerate any of the 3As, I would not.) I've been very, very angry at times (I am a hothead), but no matter how angry I have been, I have never, for a moment, doubted his core worth and goodness. I know his true self, and I will love that true self no matter WHAT tomorrow brings.

[TheReader]

I have always believed that in a lot of cases adultery is a symptom of another problem. If you can solve that problem then yes, I think the marriage could survive it.

 

Yes, this.

 

I'm not comfortable saying more in a public forum, but I would be open to answering a private message.

[ocelotmom]

I actually know quite a few women who stayed with their husbands after being cheated on. Why, I don't know.

 

I can take a lot, but adultery is not something I would forgive.

 

I think that attitudes towards adultery is a spectrum. Some people get upset if their significant other says a movie star is attractive. Some people have open relationships and are totally fine with their partner having other partners. What for one person is utterly intolerable is a roadbump (or less) for someone else.

 

I'm not trying to say that any of those attitudes are right or wrong, just different.

 

Personally, with adultery or addiction, I can see staying if there was good reason to believe that the person acknowledged the problem, was making a real effort to change, and I didn't have reason to feel that the children or myself were in any sort of immediate danger. People who cheat can realize that they value their partner and this is not how they want to live their life.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

AMEN! As I celebrate 25 years of marriage today, I couldn't agree with these 2 posts more!

 

Has it always been an easy road -- h*ll no! We've been there and back, trust me. We chose to fight for our marriage and take our vows very seriously.

 

~coffee~

 

Happy Anniversary!

[Danestress]

Our priest, during our pre-marital classes, said the reasons couples fight and marriages dissolve boil down to s*x, children, and money. I'd say that these broad subjects have encompassed every fight DH and I have ever had.

 

While these topics may be what husbands and wives disagree on, the WAY they discuss their differences is what makes or breaks the marriage. How people behave in a disagreement tells more about them then what side of an argument the fall on.

[lionfamily1999]

I think adultery is survived through repentance and forgiveness. Both sides have to be sincere. The one must repent, truly (sackcloth and ashes, no joke). The other must forgive, truly (let go of their right to hurt the other person and move on).

 

I don't put limitations on what my marraige can survive in the hopes that our marraige will survive everything that gets thrown at it.

[Tohru]

Wow. Okay, a lot of how to have a good marriage, a bit on why marriages fail...

BUT not a lot on people who have stayed together after adultery...that's kind of the light I was looking to see :(

[hana]

I have family members in a marriage that has survived adultery. She wants his money badly enough that she'll stay despite adultery. He wants her companionship enough that I think he's given up the adultery.

 

So, not pretty, but still a marriage.

[ocelotmom]

BUT not a lot on people who have stayed together after adultery...that's kind of the light I was looking to see :(

Though I didn't say so, I was speaking from a perspective of experience - our marriage survived a situation that was basically adultery, and has definitely been improving over the past few years. I don't know if the marriage would have survived if I had felt at the time that I had the resources to leave, but at this point, I feel that it has worked out. And I think we're in good agreement that that particular situation was a bad idea and not going to happen again.

Edited March 7, 2012 by ocelotmom

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't have personal experience with any of them, but here are my thoughts:

Adultery: I think it can be worked out. It would be devastating, yes. But if both parties were willing to work it out and there was genuine commitment to it (and to the adultery not happening again), then I definitely think it is possible. I've seen marriages work it out. :)

Abuse: I don't think this could work. Well...I don't know. This is one scenario I could see working - if say the husband is abusive, if the wife left for awhile but didn't divorce him on the grounds that he do something about it, etc - meanwhile the wife isn't off looking for a new husband, but remaining true to her DH, etc - and IF he gets his issues worked out and then they kind of start from the beginning type thing - she has to know for sure that he isn't who he was before moving back in again. And if it happened again at that point, that would be it. I guess? I don't know...that's a lot of ifs, though!

Addiction - Similar to above. If the person was willing to change.

[StephanieZ]

Wow. Okay, a lot of how to have a good marriage, a bit on why marriages fail...

BUT not a lot on people who have stayed together after adultery...that's kind of the light I was looking to see :(

 

Ah, well, sorry about that.

 

Unless mental illness (say, dementia or a brain tumor or the like) was involved, I don't belive I would ever stay if dh strayed. I would still want him to be happy and well, but I wouldn't be able to stay. I know myself well enough to know I couldn't get past it. It would fester and rot and would turn me into a hateful nasty person. I'd have to leave.

 

I've not known anyone who admitted to me that they or their spouse had cheated who has remained married long term. Statistically, it has surely happened, but I've not heard of it personally. I would be very disapproving and judgmental, so I am sure not many people would talk to me about it. The only man I know whose wife cheated ultimately agreed to divorce (no kids) when he confirmed her repeated cheating. He was forgiving at first, and accepted a lot of inappropriate self-blame, but, ultimately, he accepted that her serious mental issues along with serial and extensive cheating was not going to work for him, and he accepted her desire to divorce. It seemed to me that he would have stayed married had it been a one-time thing, but once he comprehended the extent of the cheating and lying, it was over.

[PeacefulChaos]

I can't imagine why anyone would be disapproving and judgmental of a couple who chose to stay together after one committed adultery. :(

It happened to friends of ours. Good friends. Both families. People said things like, 'She's such an idiot, staying with him after that.' It infuriates me, honestly. They are a family. They made a commitment. They've been married 20 years. He's truly sorry. I think people who have negative things to say about it should check themselves. A commitment to the person you made a commitment to. :angry:

[Danestress]

I would possibly (depending on the circumstances) admire a woman who chose to stay and work it out, rather than disapproving of her.

 

But I do have to quibble with this

A commitment to the person you made a commitment to. :angry:

 

I did not commit to stay with my husband despite adultery or abuse. We made mutual commitments to each other, and the adultery violates those commitments. I do not agree that divorcing in the aftermath of adultery is failure to honor a commitment.

[lionfamily1999]

Wow. Okay, a lot of how to have a good marriage, a bit on why marriages fail...

BUT not a lot on people who have stayed together after adultery...that's kind of the light I was looking to see :(

Ironically, a marraige that survives adultery is often looked upon with contempt and mocking. So, sure a marraige can survive adultery, however if the couple lets it out they face tar and feathering in the public square. See the last quote in my post.

 

That's also a consequence of forgiveness though (the silence). The person who forgave has to let go and move on. If they're bringing it up again and again then it's going to be pretty hard to get past it.

 

:grouphug:

I can't imagine why anyone would be disapproving and judgmental of a couple who chose to stay together after one committed adultery. :(

It happened to friends of ours. Good friends. Both families. People said things like, 'She's such an idiot, staying with him after that.' It infuriates me, honestly. They are a family. They made a commitment. They've been married 20 years. He's truly sorry. I think people who have negative things to say about it should check themselves. A commitment to the person you made a commitment to. :angry:

:iagree:

 

I have family members in a marriage that has survived adultery. She wants his money badly enough that she'll stay despite adultery. He wants her companionship enough that I think he's given up the adultery.

 

So, not pretty, but still a marriage.

Just using you as an example why people might not want to be open about their relationship difficulties ;)

[PeacefulChaos]

I get what you are saying, too. I guess I just mean in the instance of people actually scorning/disapproving of the wife (or husband) who works it out with the spouse who committed adultery.

Sorry, I saw it all in the light of that situation, and wasn't really thinking/typing clearly. ;)

[nono]

Oh I know folks who have. It really might happen to anyone, including me. Could I tolerate infidelity? Absolutely, with this husband*. I couldn't with my first, because as Stephanie said, there was no depth there anyways. So, it was simply pointless.

 

*Doesn't mean I would want to, and repeated, in-my-face offenses would be a deal-breaker...but I'm a pretty tough broad, and I think I could get us through that. It's not something I fear anymore.

[CupOCoffee]

Wow. Okay, a lot of how to have a good marriage, a bit on why marriages fail...

BUT not a lot on people who have stayed together after adultery...that's kind of the light I was looking to see :(

 

BTDT...part of the "hard times". It *is* possible to forgive, move on and start fresh...and totally like someone else has said, there may be 3 or 4 main A's or whatever letter -- but there are always underlying issues, and if you fix the underlying issues...

 

~coffee~

[hana]

Just using you as an example why people might not want to be open about their relationship difficulties ;)

 

I hope it doesn't seem to you that I'm "tarring and feathering." These are people I love dearly; they are immediate family. They also didn't choose to bring the adultery into the open--their child (early teens at the time) is the one who accidentally discovered the adultery at the time and confided in me. But, honestly, she married him for his money and he married her because he was lonely--that was pretty openly the foundation of their marriage. She is from an "arranged marriage" culture and married for practical reasons, not for love. Perhaps that makes it easier to survive difficult situations, perhaps not; I don't know. I was just offering up the only "survived adultery" story I know.

[klmama]

The relationships I've seen end in divorce may have had some of those three A factors, although the people didn't mention them to me. What I have seen is that the marital relationship had taken a back seat to something else - a job, a leadership role at church, a hobby, or even grief. Spending too much time away from each other or focused on other some other relationship leads to less closeness, and that makes stress seem more daunting than it otherwise would be. The impact on marriages is huge.

[Joanne]

I've personally known several marriages each that have survived and thrived addiction or adultery.

 

I am less optimistic about abuse. Clincally, it is rarely resolved. Therefore the likelihood of it being resolved relationionally is dismal. Also, it is commonly missconcepted that addictions can be abusive when using/drunk. They are separate issues, although inhibitions reduced by chemicals can make the intensity worse, or the episodes more frequent.

[Sahamamama]

Choosing a weak, shallow partner is not going to be a recipe for true happiness in marriage, and the best one could hope for is a shallow companionship by making a lot of compromises and carrying most of the load yourself, IMHO.

 

:iagree:My sister is married to someone like this, and I would say that she has not had a happy marriage. Even after 20+ years, you couldn't say she's truly happy. And she has made compromises (especially in how to raise their sons) and does seem to carry most of the load. Honestly, I don't know why she married him, we all could see it coming 20 years ago.

[Happy]

I know of several marriages that have survived long term after adultery. Was it easy? No. It took YEARS to put it all back together, but they did. One of the keys was total repentance (even for our non-religious friends) on the part of the adulterer and complete forgiveness from the other spouse. In some cases, the couple had to move in order to focus on each other more.

 

Doing stupid doesn't always kill a marriage. Doing stupid repeatedly will.

 

A good friend of mine is going through this with her husband. He is not very repentant and I believe it will take more drastic measures by her before he realizes what he is giving up...then I hope he makes the changes he needs to make.

She wants her marriage to work because she loves him and, frankly, he loves her. At heart, their marriage has always been a pretty good one. He let some things fester and that's the root of their problems. I think it's really a clue when she is willing to go to counseling, but the one messing with the much younger woman isn't.

 

Sigh.

[ChiMomNP]

We reconciled after his adultery. It will be three years in April. It wasn't just one affair, it was multiple and they were long term. Three years have given me some serious perspective. I'm glad I stayed, I think in the big picture of our lives this was small, really small compared to lots of other things. This was fixable and I could and did forgive.

[6packofun]

I totally agree. This was very well-said.

[RanchGirl]

I know two couples that have stayed together, for several years now, after the man had an affair. I don't know them well enough to know if they are genuinely thriving or just staying together until the kids are grown. Personally, that is what I would try to do, stay together until the children are grown. I think, though I haven't personally experienced it, that I would choose not to fight about it and to, for lack of a better word, fake a decent relationship until the kids are grown. I wouldn't ever be intimate with him again though.

 

As for abuse or addiction, I would never let the kids grow up in that kind of household. It is 100% about the kids in my opinion. They are only with us for a short time and they need the best possible homelife we can give them. Afterwards we can do the selfish thing.

[Melinda in VT]

I know one couple that stayed married long-term following a long-term affair. The wife felt like staying together was the best thing for her kids, and she had a religious experience that she felt told her to stay with him, so she did.

 

Of course, as part of staying together, the man refused to publicly acknowledge the affair or the children that came from it, which is a decision I find as morally troubling as the affair.

 

Fortunately, it is not my place to judge, so I try to think the best of each person involved and appreciate their strengths.

[Liz CA]

 

Addiction or abuse, I don't see how that marriage could survive and if it was me I would not want to remain in such a marriage.

 

If a person realizes his/her addictions and takes the steps to overcome it, I would give them another chance.

For me, this would be easier to deal with than adultery.

[Lovedtodeath]

My husband and I both committed adultery. I was the first, he tried to get back at me. We stayed married and miserably unhappy for over a year because our daughter was an infant. We then used Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and he understood why I felt unloved and we both learned how we were contributing to our relationship problems (which I thought were abusive). I don't think we both would have worked on our relationship if he didn't have the big A as an obvious sign that something was wrong.

 

We both became committed to changing and our relationship has gotten better and better ever since.

[Tohru]

...

We both became committed to changing and our relationship has gotten better and better ever since.

 

That is awesome. Congratulations!!