The birds and the bees (CC)

[MegP]

As a Christian, I bought into the idea that it was not a good idea to talk to our kids about s*x until they were 12 or so. Mine never asked questions and I never brought it up either, and I eventually told them.

 

I now am questioning the wisdom in that, and wonder what is so terrible about explaining the bird and the bees to children when they are younger? Do we think it will rob them of their innocence or childhood? What are we afraid will happen if we tell them? Or is it because there is no reason to tell them-no need for them to know at 7 or whatever age?

 

I just wonder if I "did it wrong" and if I could do it over, if it would make more sense to talk to them about this from a younger age, and even purposefully expose them to things that may spark questions, such as books with pictures of animals mating, rather than purposefully preventing access ( as many do) to that kind of material.

 

What says the hive?

[fairfarmhand]

As a Christian, I bought into the idea that it was not a good idea to talk to our kids about s*x until they were 12 or so. Mine never asked questions and I never brought it up either, and I eventually told them.

I now am questioning the wisdom in that, and wonder what is so terrible about explaining the bird and the bees to children when they are younger? Do we think it will rob them of their innocence or childhood? What are we afraid will happen if we tell them? Or is it because there is no reason to tell them-no need for them to know at 7 or whatever age?

 

I just wonder if I "did it wrong" and if I could do it over, if it would make more sense to talk to them about this from a younger age, and even purposefully expose them to things that may spark questions, such as books with pictures of animals mating, rather than purposefully preventing access ( as many do) to that kind of material.

 

What says the hive?

 

there IS nothing wrong with the facts of life. We live on a farm. Our kids know how the baby calves end up around here.

 

It doesn't make sex dirty; in fact, since it is just a part of our lives, my kids are more matter of fact about those kinds of things than lots of other kids.

 

For the record, I am a committed Christian. We;ve had lots of discussions with my oldest (14) about how bad of an idea it is to be involved at a young age. She has 2 boys that have huge crushes on her right now and she's just not interested, because, as she says," That's silly right now. I have too much to do before I get married."

[BigMamaBird]

My eldest is 6 and we just had a baby, so you can imagine the questions that spontaneously popped up. Our MO is we answer and questions with actual, thoughtful answers, use the real names for body parts and offer child appropriate picture books on the subject; The Flip Flap Body Book for instance. I don't plan on sitting the kids down and bringing up the subject on my own till they're a bit older. But at this point, we've covered a lot of the structural differences between boys and girls and how a baby grows and is born, simply by answering their questions. Conception hasn't been addressed yet, honestly, I'm sort of dreading that one. But we'll handle it when it comes along.

 

This is how our family (fairly conservative Christian) has chosen to address these issues. It just seems like a natural way to handle it to me. I don't think it robs them of innocence, because we figure if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to handle the answer. The bits and pieces and mechanics are just part of life, I don't want to attach any sense of embarrassment to it by avoiding it. I also figure, if we talk about it, matter of factly, when they're young, it will avoid an awkward "Big Reveal" all at once when puberty hits.

Edited February 24, 2012 by BigMamaBird

[angela in ohio]

As a Christian, I bought into the idea that it was not a good idea to talk to our kids about s*x until they were 12 or so. Mine never asked questions and I never brought it up either, and I eventually told them.

 

Hmm, I'm a Christian, and I had no idea this was a commandment. :confused: Is that something your particular denomination says?

[tntgoodwin]

Considering their peers are often talking about sex, and even having sex, earlier and earlier in life (some girls are able to be pregnant as young as 8 or 9!), I feel as parents we should get to them before the world does, IYKWIM.

[MegP]

Hmm, I'm a Christian, and I had no idea this was a commandment. :confused: Is that something your particular denomination says?

 

No...I worded that badly. It is just something that my conservative Christian friends and others I knew were doing (not talking to their kids). It really is not about being Christian. Sorry I didn't explain well. I think there is a subset of conservative, Christian , homeschooling parents who don't talk about these issues with their kids until much older than the norm.

[clarkacademy]

The only harm I can find is that kids cannot be quiet. My kids did really well, they didn't talk about things like that to other children until...The little boy down the road who goes to public school started saying things to my son he was told by an older cousin. He used very vulgar words so bad that in fact my son had no idea what he was talking about lol. But my son corrected him calling it a penis and a vagina and telling him that the cousin was wrong, that was not what s3x was etc.

 

I got a phone call. Those kids are no longer allowed around mine now. My kid is the bad kid. No one says things like that to her son she knows everyone he is around there is no way he heard that from anyone other than my son. We live in the country. There are only to families within miles that have young children mine talk too. My kids live in a bubble.

 

My TV is so locked up I have to unlock it to watch anything for myself. They have very limited interaction with other kids because the groups around here are either massive inclusive or horribly expensive to join. Her kid goes to school all day, then daycare all evening but she knows everyone. I doubt that.

 

If I had not taught him then he would have come home questioned me and we could have discussed it instead I feel as if I failed him. I gave him knowledge when he was just 10 and it cost him and my other kids their only friends they have to play with.

[fairfarmhand]

No...I worded that badly. It is just something that my conservative Christian friends and others I knew were doing (not talking to their kids). It really is not about being Christian. Sorry I didn't explain well. I think there is a subset of conservative, Christian , homeschooling parents who don't talk about these issues with their kids until much older than the norm.

yes, I know these people. They don't explain anything until the kid is 13 and then they go out and make it some sort of big deal. My oldest asked some questions when she was 4 and I was pregnant with my second baby. I guess if I was going to avoid the topic for that long, I would have to cover their eyes here at the farm.

 

Sex shouldn't be an embarrassing, forbidden topic in Christian homes. It is a part of life, a part of nature. By making it some big secret, I think many parents are adding to their child's curiosity.

 

We did tell my kids that these things are only to be discussed with mom and dad. And even then I told my very not shy child that she and I would talk about it in the bathroom. Cause she might have brought it up in the checkout line in Walmart! And she never did bring it up at an inopportune time.

[JessReplanted]

I think it's important to have continued conversations about sex with our kids. We bought the "God's Design for Sex" books. There are four of them, and each has an appropriate age range. They've been very helpful so far with my 9 year old.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Story-Me-Gods-Design-Sex/dp/1600060137

[fairfarmhand]

.

 

 

If I had not taught him then he would have come home questioned me and we could have discussed it instead I feel as if I failed him. I gave him knowledge when he was just 10 and it cost him and my other kids their only friends they have to play with.

 

 

ummm....you did nothing wrong. I think you did fine and the other parents are totally overreacting. As a parent, I would not have been upset, other than calling you to let you know that this conversation had taken place and you may want to bring it up to your son. And then I would have told my own child that that topic is not for general conversation, whatever words are used.

 

Look at it this way, your son may or may not have brought up the discussion to you. If he hadn't he may have gotten the idea that sex is vulgar and crude as well as having misinformation stuck in his head.

[MegP]

I have those books-they are VERY good.

[clarkacademy]

ummm....you did nothing wrong. I think you did fine and the other parents are totally overreacting. As a parent, I would not have been upset, other than calling you to let you know that this conversation had taken place and you may want to bring it up to your son. And then I would have told my own child that that topic is not for general conversation, whatever words are used.

 

Look at it this way, your son may or may not have brought up the discussion to you. If he hadn't he may have gotten the idea that sex is vulgar and crude as well as having misinformation stuck in his head.

 

I see it this way to a degree but I see their sad little faces. Especially since the other kids were not even there but now none of them can play at all. They majorly hold this against their brother. I have tried to talk to him and he just sees he did something wrong. It is crummy all way around.

[Wabi Sabi]

I'm not religious, but one thought I have about waiting: by the age of 12 many kids are already going through puberty, many girls have already started their menstrual cycles. I would imagine that it would benefit a kid to know what is going to happen to their body, what that means, etc. BEFORE it actually happens rather than waiting until it's already taking place.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I read a novel about an Amish teenager who was raped. Her parents had never explained sex to her, so she didn't understand what rape was or how to tell her parents. She wound up pregnant.

 

We know a family that waited until their daughter was 15 to tell her! What if she'd been raped or molested? How would she have told anyone?

 

Throughout history, most people would've learned at a young age by watching animals. Also, in the OT, God commanded everyone to assemble and listen to the OT being read. The kids surely would've wondered about all the sexual commands, don't you think?

 

I explained how the sperm gets to the egg to my 5 year old a month ago. It was very anticlimactic. I repeated it again, just to make sure he heard. His response was along the lines of "oh." He was much more concerned about the umbilical cord.

 

We also had a discussion about puberty in girls and boys, after he saw my maxipad with blood. We discussed periods, pubic hair, etc. At five, he wasn't embarrased at all. It was really no different than explaining that when he gets older, his leg hair will get thicker and darker.

 

If we had waited until he was 10, I think he would be very embarrassed.

[magnificent_baby]

I think it's important to have continued conversations about sex with our kids. We bought the "God's Design for Sex" books. There are four of them, and each has an appropriate age range. They've been very helpful so far with my 9 year old.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Story-Me-Gods-Design-Sex/dp/1600060137

 

:iagree:

 

I happened upon 2 of them at Goodwill. So glad I found them! I really like the explanation in the beginning on why we should not wait until later to bring up this topic. Can't remember the details now, but it reassured me that we were not starting the talk too early.

 

Also, my kids attended ps and the discussions that occurred on the bus were very surprising, so I wanted to approach it sooner than later.

[MegP]

I'm not religious, but one thought I have about waiting: by the age of 12 many kids are already going through puberty, many girls have already started their menstrual cycles. I would imagine that it would benefit a kid to know what is going to happen to their body, what that means, etc. BEFORE it actually happens rather than waiting until it's already taking place.

 

I totally agree with this. It is disturbing to me to read about moms who choose not to tell their kids anything about puberty at all! Or wait until 13, as someone else mentioned, when puberty is almost over (for some kids). I think moms don't realize how young puberty STARTS. Many girls need to wear a bra at 9, and boys need deodorant and some get hair as early at 9 as well.

[SailorMom]

Hmm, I'm a Christian, and I had no idea this was a commandment. :confused: Is that something your particular denomination says?

 

:iagree:

Not currently Christian, but used to be. My MiL is a pastor, and she had never heard this as well...... Her 5 kids all knew about the birds and bees WAY before 12! Probably at about 8?

 

ETA - I don't think you did any harm by waiting. There is no wrong way to do this stuff, really :)

[JMDRAD]

I really appreciate this thread and the book ideas. My oldest will be turning 9 this year and I keep thinking that I should talk to her about puberty, etc. I'm currently pregnant with my fourth child right now and she did ask me once how the baby got in there to begin with. She asked me in the middle of Target so I wasn't about to explain things, later she forgot to ask again.

 

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home. S3x was NEVER discussed. I asked my mom about it once when I was 12 and she gave me a very vague embarrassed answer. I honestly had no idea how it all worked till I was 18 and read a book that I think was called "The Act of Marriage". Keep in mind that I was married at 18 too. We had a lot of problems our first year and I think it was due to my ignorance. I'm so thankful that I never had a boy try to take advantage of me as a teen.

[MegP]

You could just say to her, "Remember how you asked how the baby got in there? Well, I never answered you, so now I have a book I'd like to read to you about this, and then after, if you have more questions, we can talk about it. " and read her the "Before I was Born" book.

 

But that book doesn't talk about puberty, so I would suggest following it up with the "Care and Keeping of You" which is put about by American Girl Dolls, and covers all the changes she can expect in the next few years.

[brett_ashley]

I do not understand the theory behind waiting until they are twelve!! My parents did the same thing and even with very CC friends I still knew everything before "the talk."

 

There's a godly woman named Mary Flo Ridley who talks about shaping your child's sexual character and I highly recommend her CDs. Her presentation is called "Sooner than you think," meaning you need to have these conversations sooner than you think you do. Her advice is BEFORE kindergarten. She has a beautiful way of sharing starting even with 2 year olds about seeds--God makes things grow from seeds, plants, animals, even people! Her website is http://www.maryflo.org.

 

Here's a clip about why we should be proactive instead of waiting for questions about sex.

 

When your child has a question about sex, you want their first thought to be: "You know who knows a lot about sex? My mom and dad."

 

Anyway, I highly recommend her resources, though many of them are for public school parent associations so she takes out some of the CC content (though it is all still biblically based).

[Scarlett]

The only harm I can find is that kids cannot be quiet. My kids did really well, they didn't talk about things like that to other children until...The little boy down the road who goes to public school started saying things to my son he was told by an older cousin. He used very vulgar words so bad that in fact my son had no idea what he was talking about lol. But my son corrected him calling it a penis and a vagina and telling him that the cousin was wrong, that was not what s3x was etc.

 

I got a phone call. Those kids are no longer allowed around mine now. My kid is the bad kid. No one says things like that to her son she knows everyone he is around there is no way he heard that from anyone other than my son. We live in the country. There are only to families within miles that have young children mine talk too. My kids live in a bubble.

 

If I had not taught him then he would have come home questioned me and we could have discussed it instead I feel as if I failed him. I gave him knowledge when he was just 10 and it cost him and my other kids their only friends they have to play with.

 

What a jerk of a mother! SHE is the one with the problem, not you or your son.

 

I had the same problem with my ds who ASKED very direct questions at age 7 or so....and then wanted to share his knowledge with every little friend he had. I had to repeatedly remind him that it was private information that other parents needed to tell their own children.....it didn't need to come from him!

[Coffeetime]

We've so far let our kids lead us with their questioning until about 9 or 10. Non of them are shy about asking us questions. When my son turned 10 my husband took him aside privately and gave him more specific information. It was like someone else said, pretty anticlimactic. I am planning on getting him a book about puberty to give him on his 11th birthday this summer, and I will be covering reproduction with the 3 older ones in biology class next year.

For me, growing up, the subject was taboo. No one told me anything. My main goal isn't doing it all perfectly, but making sure that my kids know we are open to discussion and that their feelings and questions are normal and healthy. If you did that, I wouldn't worry about the age. Just let him know you're there and approachable.

[Leav97]

We started with this book when DD was about 4 and DS was on the way. A couple of months ago I noticed the book was disappearing into the bathroom from long periods of time.

 

We just read through this book to answer some of the questions that weren't being asked. There were parts of the book I skipped. I didn't think we needed to talk about STDs yet.

 

In the past we weren't as removed from farming and most kids knew what sex was from a very young age. It also wasn't uncommon for houses to only have 1 bedroom. Keeping sex a secrete until kids are old seems to be a fairly modern invention.

[MegP]

Thanks, everyone!

[elegantlion]

My ds never asked questions. We'd watch kittens and puppies being born, but he never asked about anything. About age 9 we started having the talks, separating the puberty from sex talks. If we had waited until 12 it would have felt too late as he was already well into puberty by then.

[MegP]

I guess it's not that hard to talk about the basics, but then you have other details to discuss such as homose*uality, oral, anal, birth control, transvestites, prostitution, mast*rbation....those seem WAY harder to discuss than the "basics."

[Miss Innocent]

MEgP, firstly I want to say that we all do what we think is best for our children and that is often influenced but our own upbringings and what those around us do. I, personally, don't think waiting till 12 is ideal, but as others have pointed out the most important thing is that our children can approach us and that we are honest and non judgemental when answering their questions. I guess waiting means that you will have a lot more to talk about in the teen years, rather than having it all spread out. As you say, there is a lot more than just the basics to cover!

 

I think we should start drip feeding information from the beginning. Answer any questions very young children have honestly and use the proper words. Start teaching more 'colloquial' terms slowly and in an age appropriate way. As someone else said, we need to get to our children before the world does. Our children need to know and understand what ALL the words mean, in my opinion, even those words we would never use ourselves, and understand when, where and if these words should be said.

 

I think if a young child doesn't ask questions then age appropriate books are good. The God's Design for Sex books are great, as others have said. My 6 year old knows all about eggs and sperm, how babies grow and how they are born, but not yet how the egg and sperm get together. I'm waiting for him to ask but if he doesn't soon I will read the second in the God's Design for Sex book with him. I would like him to have an understanding of these basics, so that in a couple of years we can discuss puberty, before he actually gets there.

 

And then there are the teen years! That is when the fun starts! So much to discuss! :lol: :001_unsure:

 

These are just my thoughts. YMMV as always. :001_smile:

 

Emma x

[JadeOrchidSong]

there IS nothing wrong with the facts of life. We live on a farm. Our kids know how the baby calves end up around here.

 

It doesn't make sex dirty; in fact, since it is just a part of our lives, my kids are more matter of fact about those kinds of things than lots of other kids.

 

For the record, I am a committed Christian. We;ve had lots of discussions with my oldest (14) about how bad of an idea it is to be involved at a young age. She has 2 boys that have huge crushes on her right now and she's just not interested, because, as she says," That's silly right now. I have too much to do before I get married."

 

What you said is so true!

By the way, I love your signature. It will help me keep cool if I adopt this kind of thinking.

[LucyStoner]

My son's favorite book when I was pregnant with his little brother was A Child in Born. Pretty in-depth. What I learned is that all he cared about at that age (5) was the biology of an embryo developing and a fetus growing and a baby being born and when a baby becomes safe to be born and when various systems develop etc. The sex side of things was just not all that interesting. I am glad that we did it that way rather than watering it down or just not saying anything. He is getting older now and I guess in a few years this will come up again. I am glad that he got his first information accurately and from us and not some story spread by 10 and 11 year olds. My parents were open and I had very good rapport with them and could ask questions and discuss whatever I felt I needed to know.

 

Also, a lot of parents find it is more comfortable to talk to kids about this when they are young and have not learned misinformation first. My ILs never spoke to my husband about sex. My wicked smart husband was unsure as an older teen if he was circumcised or not and hadn't the first clue about anything really. The sum total of his parents ever discussing sex with him was his dad demanding to know if he was gay because he did not have a girlfriend when he was 16 or 17 and his mom asking while riding a mall escalator at age 21 or so if his girlfriend at the time was "the one" and when he said probably yes (that would be me), she said "well be safe and use protection if you are...experimenting." I have chatted with her since and she said that she meant to have a talk but just kept putting it off and once he hit puberty it was more and more embarrassing.

 

And FWIW, my MIL is an RN and my FIL was an MD. They discussed bowel movement consistency at the table but never told their kids how babies were made. Everything my husband and BIL knew came from peers, school (limited) and books they sought out. In my BILs care it also came from a very unhealthy first sexual relationship. I would just want my kids more informed and better prepared than that.

Edited February 26, 2012 by kijipt