LisaKinVA Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 ...to be closer to us. At least that is the plan. My baby will be leaving for college (I suppose), and my IL's will be moving in. MIL also asked me to tell her if there was some way she could modify her behavior so she could build a relationship with my SIL. :001_huh: I did get up the courage to tell her that SIL and MIL were a lot a like (but I didn't give her specifics). She will talk about how SIL does X or Y (hmmm, MIL does x or y...) SIL is inconsiderate (hmmm, MIL called us on Tuesday to tell us they would arrive on Friday, and even though she knew we weren't going to really be around, it had to be that way, because it worked for them) :lol: SIL just doesn't make time for them (and, just WHO started 2 businesses prior to retirement and now can't take time off to be with grandkids? And just WHO is planning to start two more???):001_huh: SIL "reinvents history." (we have a laundry list on that one) Oh, the list of similarities on the complaints goes on and on... but MIL doesn't see these things in herself ;) DH asked me if I thought there was an actual DX for MIL. I said, that I do. Don't get me wrong, MIL has her good points. She does want to be a good Nana, mother, MIL... but all of that gets lost under her own justifications for what she wants (or thinks she needs) to do. FWIW, both dh and I agree that they cannot move into our home. We can make sure they have a place close by...but not under our roof. We'll make sure we visit... but I have no intention of being at her beck and call for the rest of my life (she will probably outlive dh and I both!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Reinventing history is also referred to as 'gas lighting' and part of NPD. Not saying she IS NPD, just that it's a very familiar thing for anyone that's ever dealt w/it. At least you have a 15 yr heads up! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I don't know your in laws. This post gave me all kinds of negative thoughts. The first thought I had is in 15 years I'd be selling my house and moving to a small condo so in laws could not actually move in. I'd also be looking at career opportunities to move to in 15 years. That kind of "informing" sounds threatening to me. Besides what's the point of moving closer after the grandkids are grown. It's unlikely they can build a relationship with adult grandchildren. They can sit around and be grumpy about how the adult grandchildren seem to have no interest in them. Maybe that's what they really want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 At least you have a 15 yr heads up! :lol: :iagree: That's plenty of time to plan a move. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoVanGogh Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 At least you have a 15 yr heads up! :lol::lol:If my MIL gave me a 15 year notice, I would be looking for a spot, oh... say... 1,000 miles on down the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Reinventing history is also referred to as 'gas lighting' and part of NPD. Not saying she IS NPD, just that it's a very familiar thing for anyone that's ever dealt w/it. At least you have a 15 yr heads up! :lol: Actually, NPD is what comes to mind with MIL. Although, I'm sure there are worse cases. Yes, we have a 15yr. heads up... unfortunately, I don't think we can move, as dh will still be working and unless his job moves. The best I can do is help them find a house at least 15 minutes away. Most likely, MY parents will be living with us...and that will be "cozy" enough. That's what we get for being the "most stable married couple" of all the children, I guess. YAY! We Win ;) (I say that tounge-in-cheek, as it is a reference to the competitive relationship I had with my older brother growing up). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negin Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 :iagree: That's plenty of time to plan a move. :D My thoughts exactly. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yeah, move. Maybe get a really grumpy dog... IL's love dogs... that wouldn't stop them, now CATS is an idea. My dh might just deal with the allergies to create a less hospitable atmosphere! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 My dh told me years ago that his mother always intended to move in with him when she was widowed. You'd think, with plans like that, being nice to me would have been her top priority, wouldn't you! I'm glad her new plan is a retirement village. It'll suit her nicely. :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dansamy Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Pet snake? Will that work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Enter the witness protection program. You have witnessed your in laws and want to be as far from them as possible. :lol: Yuck. Move to the North Pole and change your name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I would find the geographic central point to all her offspring (and other relatives) and then start looking for condos that cater to retires/seniors. It will be worth your while to invest some time into finding a place that they can live and not be too close to you. I love my mom and she we love to have her close by, but she wants to also be independent. She is in a condo very near us. There is not a single step in the place. All the doorways are wide. It is all set up in case someone is in a wheelchair. It will make it much easier for her to stay independent longer. Good luck and use those 15 years wisely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russiantwins Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 A lot can change in 15 years, but seems like the general idea from everyone is plan on moving... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 It was my IL's plan to move here in retirement to be near us (they were planning to split time between sil and us and have two small condos). And they didn't. And they won't. Circumstances changed, as they often do for long term plans like that. When they announced the plan, dh and I kinda went :001_huh:. We got along okay, but we weren't super close and they never asked! Now, I feel like it might have been great to have them nearby and we're sad that they're a bit far from the kids, but c'est la vie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Besides what's the point of moving closer after the grandkids are grown. It's unlikely they can build a relationship with adult grandchildren. They can sit around and be grumpy about how the adult grandchildren seem to have no interest in them. Maybe that's what they really want. :iagree: They aren't moving to be closer so they can be near their grandchildren; they are moving so that you can take care of them in their old age. I have a set like that--moved nearer to us (3 hours versus 9) supposedly so that they could see their grandchildren more. They immediately adopted super high-maintenance dogs that cannot be left alone for more than 4 hours. You can do the math and see how that doesn't work. And we cannot visit them because they have four cats in a small house, and I have a daughter who is ridiculously allergic to cats. As one cat dies, they replace it with two, so they have no intentions of ever being cat-free and safe for my 14 yo. Anyway, all that is evidence to me that they really moved so we can take care of them as they age. If we hadn't watched them make several really stupid big-dollar financial mistakes, perhaps it wouldn't bother me so much. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Who can know what 15 years will bring? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but really, 15 years would have me thinking, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....." and putting that all on the back burner without saying anything. Revisit the whole thing in a decade. Edited February 21, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 In fifteen YEARS you say? I would just roll my eyes, and ignore it for now. If it gets to where they are actually selling their property with plans to move - I would offer to put them in touch with a real estate agent or senior housing assistance company and make suggestions of good locations to live and senior centers to locate near. (none of them near me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I'm not losing any sleep over it...nor am I worrying over it. Just like I'm not going to make housing decisions for our family *now* based upon the possibility that my parents will want to move in with us in 10 years. A lot can happen. It was just news to me...the "Oh, really?" type. Every time we've talked before they have talked about staying at the Lake until they die, and hiring people to do the work at the Cottages to keep them going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I will tell you the good side of this. If you manage to keep them under a different roof, it can actually be a huge benefit to have them in town. You never have to sleep in their house and they don't sleep in yours. You never have to spend vacation days or a lot of money to visit them. As our parents get older, we do end up having to care for them anyway, but now your dh won't be having these crisis that require traveling to where his parents are for the broken hip, knee surgery, etc. You see them for an hour here, 2 hours there, instead of having to go for seveal days. My mil moved here when she was widowed. I understand you might feel threatened, but it is easier in many ways, especially when they get too frail to travel. They will already be in town for holidays, weddings, graduations, etc. It makes those things so much easier. You will get to see their health regularly, know their doctors, etc. You just have to take care with establishing boundaries. But overall, unless they are just nightmare people, it is sort of nice to have older parents close by because while it does mean you have to care for them, you do it in smaller chunks and you say in your own environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I will tell you the good side of this. If you manage to keep them under a different roof, it can actually be a huge benefit to have them in town. You never have to sleep in their house and they don't sleep in yours. You never have to spend vacation days or a lot of money to visit them. As our parents get older, we do end up having to care for them anyway, but now your dh won't be having these crisis that require traveling to where his parents are for the broken hip, knee surgery, etc. You see them for an hour here, 2 hours there, instead of having to go for seveal days. My mil moved here when she was widowed. I understand you might feel threatened, but it is easier in many ways, especially when they get too frail to travel. They will already be in town for holidays, weddings, graduations, etc. It makes those things so much easier. You will get to see their health regularly, know their doctors, etc. You just have to take care with establishing boundaries. But overall, unless they are just nightmare people, it is sort of nice to have older parents close by because while it does mean you have to care for them, you do it in smaller chunks and you say in your own environment. This is *very* true. In the cases of my grandparents, they were always far from family members (my dad's mother was in California, my mom's in Georgia). It was very hard on my parents during those last years/days... and the time following. They would not be moving out here for the grandkids, they talked about "responsibility" for their care. If my something happens to my IL's while they are in OK -- it will all still fall to dh and I, but it would be much more difficult to manage. As long as they are at least 15 minutes away (and we aren't on their way somewhere), they shouldn't be knocking on our door constantly. I can handle Sunday dinners (or some weekly thing). My house will just become "the destination" for all visiting family members... another reason to make sure our home in Tidewater is big enough (hehe, aka, reason NOT to downsize a lot). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Is there a way you can find a house with a MIL apt? We have been seriously considering moving at some point to a house with either a small apt detached or a MIL type apt in the basement or side of the house. There is no way, no how I would allow my mother or Dh's mother anywhere near us, but my Dad would be welcome to live there. Dawn Actually, NPD is what comes to mind with MIL. Although, I'm sure there are worse cases. Yes, we have a 15yr. heads up... unfortunately, I don't think we can move, as dh will still be working and unless his job moves. The best I can do is help them find a house at least 15 minutes away. Most likely, MY parents will be living with us...and that will be "cozy" enough. That's what we get for being the "most stable married couple" of all the children, I guess. YAY! We Win ;) (I say that tounge-in-cheek, as it is a reference to the competitive relationship I had with my older brother growing up). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Actually, NPD is what comes to mind with MIL. Although, I'm sure there are worse cases. Yes, we have a 15yr. heads up... unfortunately, I don't think we can move, as dh will still be working and unless his job moves. The best I can do is help them find a house at least 15 minutes away. Most likely, MY parents will be living with us...and that will be "cozy" enough. That's what we get for being the "most stable married couple" of all the children, I guess. YAY! We Win ;) (I say that tounge-in-cheek, as it is a reference to the competitive relationship I had with my older brother growing up). There are different types of NPD. Not everyone is malignant. 15 years is so far away. I'm not thinking past 15 minutes these days. I'm only sort of kidding. Anyhow, you seem to have a good attitude. Having a MIL from hell I can tell you I'd be looking into if I could get a flight to Mars. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the evolving homemaker Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 this sounds like a power play to me. her trying to control something now. why on earth is she planning to move there in 15 years? after the kids are gone? uhuh. that would be a no go for me and i wouldn't waste my time having conversations about it now. lol. 15 years is a long time away and LOTS can change by then. i seriously give her sharing of her plan the time of day. or my energy. or a response other than, "isn't that interesting." it just sounds like one more way to create some drama or make something about her in this moment. period. JMO. i could be way off base. my MIL is welcome, my FIL can take the first train somewhere else. he would not be welcome and i am sure he is aware of my thoughts on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 That's plenty of time to plan a move. :D I would forget to give a forwarding address! Although, my in-laws live next door now, it's my parents that will NOT be living with us. Unless, I'm in a coma, then I don't care what happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Oh, dear:grouphug:, I thought they were moving into your home...:001_huh: I think my mil has NPD and would move to avoid living near her. It makes me sad, and embarassed but it's the truth. ...to be closer to us. At least that is the plan. My baby will be leaving for college (I suppose), and my IL's will be moving in. MIL also asked me to tell her if there was some way she could modify her behavior so she could build a relationship with my SIL. :001_huh: I did get up the courage to tell her that SIL and MIL were a lot a like (but I didn't give her specifics). She will talk about how SIL does X or Y (hmmm, MIL does x or y...) SIL is inconsiderate (hmmm, MIL called us on Tuesday to tell us they would arrive on Friday, and even though she knew we weren't going to really be around, it had to be that way, because it worked for them) :lol: SIL just doesn't make time for them (and, just WHO started 2 businesses prior to retirement and now can't take time off to be with grandkids? And just WHO is planning to start two more???):001_huh: SIL "reinvents history." (we have a laundry list on that one) Oh, the list of similarities on the complaints goes on and on... but MIL doesn't see these things in herself ;) DH asked me if I thought there was an actual DX for MIL. I said, that I do. Don't get me wrong, MIL has her good points. She does want to be a good Nana, mother, MIL... but all of that gets lost under her own justifications for what she wants (or thinks she needs) to do. FWIW, both dh and I agree that they cannot move into our home. We can make sure they have a place close by...but not under our roof. We'll make sure we visit... but I have no intention of being at her beck and call for the rest of my life (she will probably outlive dh and I both!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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