Pre-teen girls and crushes?

[Slipper]

I was a late bloomer so I'm struggling a bit here. My 10 yr old is in 4th grade and has several friends. She's in the 'cheerleader clique' (not sure how else to describe it). It's beginning to be a bit cut-throat. Some days the girls aren't talking to one of the group, but by lunch it has turned around. My daughter doesn't seem to 'get' the arguments. She will tell me about them but because it's so puzzling to her (the drama), it doesn't seem to upset her. (I'm not sure if this is because she's a bit immature for her age or if she has some aspergerish tendencies that prevent her from seeing the whole picture).

 

The other moms of these girls are super-nice, we all get along well. But, I'm starting to see a disturbing trend with the other girls. Their shirts are becoming off the shoulder and skirts are as short as they can get without the school sending them home. The other moms say that their daughters are insisting on the clothing.

 

They also are dating - some have been dating for the past year. The dates mostly consist of going to their 'boyfriends' houses, holding hands and watching movies. Sometimes the parents drive the two kids to the movies and sit elsewhere in the theatre. They go to dances (hosted by the parents) and facebook. When I ask the other moms about it, they laugh and say that the kids are growing up. They seem proud about the dates.

 

Am I behind the times? I wasn't even interested in boys when I was 10 yrs old. She says that she's 'not really' that interested in boys, but I worry that being around other girls who are dating will get her interested.

 

What are 10 yr old's doing these days?

[Starr]

I would work on finding some other friends for her. These girls might leave her in the dust by 6th or 7th grade.

[AK_Mom4]

My 10yo DD is not dating. She is active in sports (though not cheerleading) and has plenty of friends, but not the drama you are describing. She dresses a bit eclectically, but not revealing ifywim.

 

I would probably look into finding a different activity for my DD if her friends were moving that fast.

[jewellsmommy]

My dd is 9, but I would be very concerned about starting the boy/girl merry-go-round at 10. The listed activities would not sound unreasonable for 13/14 yr olds. But if this what they are are doing at 10 will they expect to be doing more advanced dating by the time they are 14? I am just leery of such young introduction. If the girls did not think of them as dates this would be different. The problem is in the mentality, in my mind, not necessarily in the activities. Is it possible for your dd to participate with this group without getting sucked into the "I am dating a guy" world?

Edited January 2, 2012 by jewellsmommy

[Unicorn.]

Their daughter's insist on the clothing, and their girls are growing up? I don't think in 3 or 4 years, when their daughters are strung out on drugs and/or pregnant, they will still be laughing. I agree w/ Starr. Find some new friends for your dd. These aren't the kids you want her running w/ for the next 8 years.

[Slipper]

Other than soccer, they are in mostly the same activities - cheerleading, children's theatre, school academic groups. She hasn't made any friends in karate, but she does have a couple of friends in soccer who are not in the same group.We live in a small town - she will be in classes with these friends for quite some time.

 

We are thinking about homeschooling her next year. She is interested but we haven't made a final decision yet. Next year is middle school and I anticipate things will go either really well for her or really awful due to the friend situation.

 

Just as a side-note, we do not allow inappropriate clothing, dating, etc. We live in an area where many girls do not graduate from high school and marriage at a young age is common. I want better for her. As a PP mentioned, if they start dating at 10, I worry about pregnancy at a young age as well.

[Mergath]

Dating at ten??? That's shocking even to me, and I was doing some fairly unmentionable stuff by fifteen. I would cut dd off from them, asap. As someone who spent half my teen years either doing drugs or having sex, take it from me- once your kid goes down that road, it's hard to pull them back. Better to do what's necessary now, because it's a whole lot harder when they're fifteen or sixteen.

[Starr]

We of course vote home school being this is a home schooling board and all. :D Invite some of the other girls over more often and start developing better friendships with the girls she has more in common with. She will be around these girls but maybe not want to stay in that inner circle.

[jewellsmommy]

Other than soccer, they are in mostly the same activities - cheerleading, children's theatre, school academic groups. She hasn't made any friends in karate, but she does have a couple of friends in soccer who are not in the same group.We live in a small town - she will be in classes with these friends for quite some time.

 

We are thinking about homeschooling her next year. She is interested but we haven't made a final decision yet. Next year is middle school and I anticipate things will go either really well for her or really awful due to the friend situation.

 

Just as a side-note, we do not allow inappropriate clothing, dating, etc. We live in an area where many girls do not graduate from high school and marriage at a young age is common. I want better for her. As a PP mentioned, if they start dating at 10, I worry about pregnancy at a young age as well.

 

 

If you were already considering homeschooling anyway...:D. I wouldn't hesitate to go that route. If you wait too long, your dd's friends may have a stronger 'hold' on her than you and your dh. Dh and I work with youth within our church and I have seen youth change so fast it makes your head spin! Not trying to be a fear monger or anything, I just hate to see the peer pressure that can come from these popular groups. :sad:

[bettyandbob]

My dd is in 8th grade and in cheerleading. This is her second year of cheer. She started talking about "friends" talking about boyfriends and "dating" around 5th grade. She thought it was stupid 3 years ago. She still thinks it is stupid. Dd isn't really interested in boys that much. She's more interested in doing well with her activities (4H and cheer) rather than elevating herself through boys.

 

She generally doesn't get some of the group dynamics found in girl cliques. When there are efforts to treat someone badly, dd is usually the one to stick up for the person and move lunch tables to support whoever has been rejected. She hates that some girls are nice to someone in person and then nasty behind the person's back. She hates that some girls are only nice to a member of the group because that person can help people with difficult homework.

 

There's a lot of group dynamics ministrations with queen bees and boys. So, this boyfriend/dating stuff is wrapped up in crappy girl social behavior.

 

To answer the OPs question, yes there are girls who are supposedly "dating" that young. As for the moms saying their girls insist on short skirts, I think that's dumb. I pay for the clothes, I don't buy hoochie crap.

 

If my dd were interested in "dating" that young I'd fill her time with other stuff, so she did not have time to even think about it. At 10 girls should be exploring other interests. So, besides sports we'd be trying dance, art, music classes, various clubs (science, 4H). This is prime time to look for interests and cultivate passions.

[parias1126]

My DD is 9 and not even thinking about boys. She says they are gross! I'm so glad! My DD who is almost 19 was very boy crazy at that age, but never ever would I allowed her to go on a date! No way, no how. She was in PS for a short period of time at tha age and they would identify each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, but they only saw each other in school and it was only a title and/or interest. It stopped there. My DD who is 18 wasn't allowed on a parent escorted date until she was 13 and even then it wasn't anything serious and the mom of the boy whom I knew (they were neighbors) stayed with them at dinner. She never went on a real date until she was 16. I would never allow a child of 10 to be dropped off at a movie theatre or anywhere unsupervised. I see it at the movies and in the mall all the time and I'm thinking to myself, "what is wrong with people??":confused:

 

And the clothes their parents let them out in is a whole 'nother story.....

[*********]

Pffft. That'd SO not fly at my house! :D

 

Uh, dating at 10? And that's ok with their moms?! I honestly did not know that was a trend. And I have an almost 10 year old neice who, IMO, is raised rather, uh, 'liberally', for lack of a better word.

 

Now, I don't think I'm 'mainstream'. We don't watch tv, we don't watch movies rated anything but G, we don't listen to pop music. We're admittedly uber conservative. So maybe I'm not a good person to answer. :tongue_smilie:

[SweetMissMagnolia]

wow dating at 10yrs old....oh my....my ds is 9 and is at the giggly state when it comes to girls....

[Nakia]

My oldest is 11. She does not date and won't be for a while. She does have a crush on the son of one of my friends. That involves thinking he is cute and funny and giggling like crazy when he's around. :lol: If she asked us if she could go to her boyfriend's house to watch a movie and hang out, I'd want to have a camera handy for my husband's reaction. That is just too much for girls so young!

 

The clothing part of your post made me laugh. Not because it's funny. I don't get it. Who buys the clothes? I mean, come on people. You CAN control what your 10 year old wears. My 11 year has a fantastic sense of style and modesty so I haven't had to worry about her clothing...yet, lol. Now my middle one, well she has a more funky and edgy style. She requires a little more assistance with picking out appropriate clothes. I can see her trying to wear an off-the-shoulder top or too short skirt anytime now. But the key word is "trying." I think there is plenty of room for expression with appropriate guidelines. We let our girls pick their clothes for the most part, but we aren't afraid to say "no" if we aren't comfortable with the choice. So far, it's been easy peasy. I'd rather be a little harder now than have to try and reign in a 16 year old, KWIM?

[jen3kids]

My dd is 12 and just this year 'likes' a boy in her class. He is a really nice boy and they were good friends last year. He called her over the holidays to ask if she could go to a movie with him. I told her no. Dh thought I was nuts - it's a movie, why not? :confused: Uh, if a date to a movie is ok at 12, what will she do at 14 or 16? Not happening, sorry!

 

Prior to this, she had lots of friends who are boys. I think that it comes from having 2 brothers - no big deal!

 

And, she prefers sitting with the boys at lunch at school because they talked about more interesting things - not just makeup and nail polish. She preferred the discussions about Minecraft! :001_smile:

[NicAnn]

Dating at ten??? That's shocking even to me, and I was doing some fairly unmentionable stuff by fifteen. I would cut dd off from them, asap. As someone who spent half my teen years either doing drugs or having sex, take it from me- once your kid goes down that road, it's hard to pull them back. Better to do what's necessary now, because it's a whole lot harder when they're fifteen or sixteen.

 

:iagree:

[sheryl]

Wow, Slipper, I just can't imagine that. And, it's not b/c I'm in the over 50 crowd.

 

I did not date until I was in high school.

 

My dd who turns 13 in a couple of months has NEVER "dated". She won't date for many years on a 1 to 1 date. Truly, I'm not that much of a "dating" supporter. It carries with it the connotation of "testing" each girl/date like a revolving door. If you don't like one you move on (circle through the door).

 

Anyway, my dd has had a "crush" on the same boy since she was in 2nd or 3rd grade. That's a long time! The mother knows it and she and I are on the same page.

 

My dh and I will have to decide when she can go on a "group event/date" type of thing, but with supervision. It will be a loooooong time before she will "date" 1 to 1. Would prefer that she would "date" her future husband.

[Slipper]

I'm going to try to make her a new circle of friends and we're pushing for her to be homeschooled next year (providing I don't utterly fail with my youngest this year! ;) ). She's fairly envious of all the cool stuff that's been delivered in the past month and I've shown her some of the programs for kids her age that she would use if we homeschool. She wavers back and forth. I'd rather her make the decision (although we will if we need to).

 

The girls she hangs out with do things like pull the waistband on their skirts higher or roll the top (elastic) a couple of times to make it shorter. I've told my daughter that it just makes girls look silly and showed her how it looks in the mirror - not cool at all. Other things the parents just buy and I don't get it. My daughter looks nice and trendy. Our deal is that she can pick out her clothes and even if I'm not crazy about them, as long as she looks presentable then it's fine. If she starts altering them at school, then I will pick out her clothes. She's a bit afraid (with good reason I'm sad to say) of my clothing choices.

 

I'm waiting for soccer season. She has a couple of friends who play soccer and one is another girl who homeschools. Maybe I can discreetly change her preferences.

 

Glad to know I'm not completely a fuddy-duddy. ;)

[sheryl]

Dating at ten??? That's shocking even to me, and I was doing some fairly unmentionable stuff by fifteen. I would cut dd off from them, asap. As someone who spent half my teen years either doing drugs or having sex, take it from me- once your kid goes down that road, it's hard to pull them back. Better to do what's necessary now, because it's a whole lot harder when they're fifteen or sixteen.

 

That's good, Mergath! You hit the nail on the head and sums it up.

[Rhonda in TX]

I have a friend who is very into her girls having boyfriends at a young age. Her girls are beautiful, so there have never been a shortage of boys hanging around. She was soooo positive that her DDs were/are not having s*x. When her oldest DD was 18, she found out she has HPV. In spite of that, she still encourages her younger DD (almost 15 now - started much younger) in romantic relationships (although she did get younger DD the Gardasil vaccine). DH and I just shake our heads. We don't get it.

 

I suspect DD (almost 14) has a crush on a friend's son. When we get together with them, the two are inseparable. It's really sweet, but I would not let her date at this age, and they are never alone together. Its more the giddy, giggly type of behavior, which I'm okay with. :)

[kewb]

The dating starting at 10 is fairly common where I live. The parents think it is "cute". A for the clothing-yes, often the kids do insist on it. Common demands of the child. As the parent, I don't have to buy it. There are many clothes my dd would like but I veto. She knows when she has a job and can buy her own clothes she is welcome to buy what she wants. Until then, I have veto power.

 

Yes, they are growing up and it our job as parents to guide them through these years not give them carte blanche to do what they want.

 

My dd is 11 and she has a handful of boy crazy friends. She can be a bit boy crazy, too. Right now, she is in love with Tom Cruise. There was a boy this past year who she had a friendship with. He would have liked to call them boyfriend and girlfriend but I made it quite clear to dd that they can be friends not dating friends and she was ok with that. I think she appreciated being able to make me the bad guy who wouldn't let her date rather then having to be in a potentially awkward situation.

[MamaT]

I think "dating" at 10 is ridiculous. Those girls should have their minds on other things at that age. I think it would serve you well to get her away from them, and you've gotten a lot of good advice.

 

My 14yo still thinks it's silly to "date" at her age. Some of her friends have boyfriends, but she knows she is too young. She does go to the movies and other places with groups of friends that include boys, but there's no "pairing up." She has lots of other interests and is more interested in other things right now. She does have a crush on a boy at co-op, but would be mortified if he knew that. :001_smile:

 

At 10, though? What are those parents thinking? That and the suggestive clothing would never fly at my house.

[TranquilMind]

I was a late bloomer so I'm struggling a bit here. My 10 yr old is in 4th grade and has several friends. She's in the 'cheerleader clique' (not sure how else to describe it). It's beginning to be a bit cut-throat. Some days the girls aren't talking to one of the group, but by lunch it has turned around. My daughter doesn't seem to 'get' the arguments. She will tell me about them but because it's so puzzling to her (the drama), it doesn't seem to upset her. (I'm not sure if this is because she's a bit immature for her age or if she has some aspergerish tendencies that prevent her from seeing the whole picture).

 

The other moms of these girls are super-nice, we all get along well. But, I'm starting to see a disturbing trend with the other girls. Their shirts are becoming off the shoulder and skirts are as short as they can get without the school sending them home. The other moms say that their daughters are insisting on the clothing.

 

They also are dating - some have been dating for the past year. The dates mostly consist of going to their 'boyfriends' houses, holding hands and watching movies. Sometimes the parents drive the two kids to the movies and sit elsewhere in the theatre. They go to dances (hosted by the parents) and facebook. When I ask the other moms about it, they laugh and say that the kids are growing up. They seem proud about the dates.

 

Am I behind the times? I wasn't even interested in boys when I was 10 yrs old. She says that she's 'not really' that interested in boys, but I worry that being around other girls who are dating will get her interested.

 

What are 10 yr old's doing these days?

Dating at TEN, with parental assistance? Wow!

 

My son had a girl who liked him and he liked her for a couple of years. But we certainly didn't facilitate dates! They saw each other at school.

 

My daughter hasn't dated yet at 15.5, unless you count the time she met a boy at a dance where we dropped her and picked her up.

 

Goodness. Well, if you are behind the times, so am I. Just hold your ground. Your daughter will thank you for it. Mine has grumbled and griped about our "last century" rules, but she has also expressed relief that she hasn't gotten caught up in the drama of relationships, with their extremely quick turnover rates today. Ridiculous. Some people have 2 or 3 boyfriends in a week!

 

And I'm sorry, but I don't care WHAT clothing a ten year old demands. I make the call on that, and it is not going to be inappropriate. Cute yeah, but not inappropriate.

 

Now that my girl is built like a Victoria's Secret Model, she is less inclined to dress in tight things because her chest is all that anyone notices and she gets tired of that.

[ktgrok]

IN my area they might, in 6th grade, start having "boyfriends" but this doesn't involve dating. Just calling them that. No dates, no kissing, no hand holding. My son is 12 and has a "girlfriend." Again, I made it clear there is no dating. I only know of one girl in our group that "dates' at all, and I believe it is with the parents there. I think she is 13. I do know my son was teased by that same girl for not holding hands with his girlfriend, but he ignored it. They do talk on the phone, text, and see each other at co-op. Honestly, at the one dance he went to the boys were on one side of the room and the girls on the other.

Edited January 2, 2012 by ktgrok