RainbowSprinkles Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I wanted to thank you all for your support and prayers. I took the last few days to think things over. While I am so ready to leave this marriage behind, I know that the timing is not logical. I have small children, one is not even a year old. So the decision I made for now is to stay until my youngest is at least of kindergarten age. In the meantime I'm going to try my best to finish my degree, and save money up for "the day". It's probably not the best of plans, but it is what is it is and while I don't feel it is best, I think it is the right thing to do at this time. If any one has any additional advice, I would love to hear it. ETA: I'm feeling conflicted about whether or not to continue homeschooling my two oldest dc in this situation. Any insight on this issue would be appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astrid Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: No advice, but one advantage to putting your dc in school would be that you could finish your degree and save money more quickly. astrid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 More :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 :grouphug: It can be so hard to figure out how to do what's best for you and for your kids in a situation like this. My advice would be that, even if you do plan on leaving, keep working on your marriage in whatever way you can. It might not save it, but it's going to be a lot easier when the time does come if you've both been making the effort to stay on good terms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 WOW, what a post. I will be praying for you; I admire your decision. It takes a lot of courage to do what you think is the right thing even if it's the harder thing for you personally. If you want to PM me, I have a job that almost supports our family and maybe it would work for you. (There are definite "needs" -- meaning "need to be possible" -- with this job, but if everything lines up right, it's a good job that you can eventually do from home at good pay.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I think you have formulated a logical and reasonable exit strategy. Not all problems can or should be solved immediately. Striving toward financial independence is important, especially when marital foundation is shaky. You a strong person who will be able to withstand the situation until you can leave it. Meanwhile, I would remain steadfastly mum about my intent to leave, nix major purchases, insist upon frugality, stash money aside, and, if time permits, find hobbies or activities that you can enjoy without the spouse or children. You will need that type of thing when you leave your marriage, so laying the foundation will help you ease into single motherhood later on. Knowing that you have a plan hopefully will help you to find peace and comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfatherslily Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I wanted to thank you all for your support and prayers. I took the last few days to think things over. While I am so ready to leave this marriage behind, I know that the timing is not logical. I have small children, one is not even a year old. So the decision I made for now is to stay until my youngest is at least of kindergarten age. In the meantime I'm going to try my best to finish my degree, and save money up for "the day". It's probably not the best of plans, but it is what is it is and while I don't feel it is best, I think it is the right thing to do at this time. If any one has any additional advice, I would love to hear it. ETA: I'm feeling conflicted about whether or not to continue homeschooling my two oldest dc in this situation. Any insight on this issue would be appreciated. :grouphug: I know this is so hard. When my ex and I first separated, I felt that the very best thing I could do for my kids was to continue staying home with them, so they wouldn't have to go through too many huge changes all at once. Now two years later, I feel like I could put them in school if I needed to. Obviously this is just our situation and yours is different. Just something to consider, that perhaps it would be easier for them to adjust to public school ahead of time, if you think they might need to do it later. :grouphug:, again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Just want to say that I am praying for you. No advice, just :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treestarfae Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting and feel stuck. It's very lonely to be in a troubled marriage. I say do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied with good thoughts and making yourself healthy. I understand about staying for the kids and I agree with you but no it's not easy for you. You have the power to not let another person consume your energy and thoughts. In most situations divorce isn't the answer when there's children involved. That's my belief and you won't regret quality time with your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I'll pray. I know things aren't easy right now. You seem to be thinking things through and not just acting on emotion, which is good. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in AL Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give some :grouphug::grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 Some more:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 I think you have formulated a logical and reasonable exit strategy. Not all problems can or should be solved immediately. Striving toward financial independence is important, especially when marital foundation is shaky. You a strong person who will be able to withstand the situation until you can leave it. Meanwhile, I would remain steadfastly mum about my intent to leave, nix major purchases, insist upon frugality, stash money aside, and, if time permits, find hobbies or activities that you can enjoy without the spouse or children. You will need that type of thing when you leave your marriage, so laying the foundation will help you ease into single motherhood later on. Knowing that you have a plan hopefully will help you to find peace and comfort. :iagree: very sound advice. And I will be praying for you. Much can happen in 4 years. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: No advice, but one advantage to putting your dc in school would be that you could finish your degree and save money more quickly. astrid :iagree: If the marriage is doomed, then this is something to consider, especially if your husband's income is unlikely to be large enough (or he not reliable & decent enough) to support sufficient alimony and child support to enable you to stay home long term. If you do continue homeschooling, you might be wise to talk positively about schools to your kids and regularly mention positively the possibility of them going to school "some day" so that if that does become a necessity, they are less upset by it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 It isn't necessarily about homeschooling but you should consider that if the marriage is over, your husband may decide to leave on his own timetable. I say that even if you have had a conversation and made a Plan with him. Just keep it in mind and know that you may not get to pick the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 Is your husband at all faithful (in the spiritual sense in this question)? If you are willing to 'hold the family together'...you know what YOU need to do (showing them love/tenderness/forgiveness) but does your husband know you were that close to a divorce? I have/had an easy to set off husband (still have the same one, but he came with baggage-two parents who were alcoholics and he claims they never hugged or said "I Love You" ever..and he was adopted..not making excuses but it helps explain why he turns so quickly to the worst possible conclusion in tifts/challenges). Around year 10 of marriage, I hit a point where my sweet loving wife persona was getting very tired of putting up with his "cup is always evaporating quickly" outlook...just little jabs of pessimism that became more frequent and ungrateful. I finally got to the point where I told him I could not live with that and it was not good for the kids to have a father who could not be rational and respond to things reasonably. Well, with an over reactive negative angled husband, that did not go well..we went through 2 years of struggling with that issue. I prayed, prayed, prayed...in sickness and health, for better or poorer, etc. I was tired of seeing the poorer side of him I wanted to see the better side. I can now say after 9 more years we have had amazing strides!! We've had some tough stuff happen to us that I just knew would spin him back into where he feels comfortable (cynical about little things)...but I just heard him catch himself say something the other night that was everything I hated 10 years ago...I almost broke into tears (I had been very very sick for 6 days so was on edge)...he went into another room b/c he sensed I did not like his response nor think it was healthy for the children to hear his vindictive attitude. I was amazed and floored when it only took 30 seconds for him to come back out calmly and give me the sweetest hug and tell me how much he loves me and that he doesn't deserve me (awww, gee!) and THANKED me for praying for him that he has felt God moving in Him on his old ways....but neither of us would be who we are (faults and all) without the other one there to help lift us up. If you are not in a safe place to have heart to heart talks, then take the time to pray specifically for just one thing to change in his heart, focus on that one thing and let God do the work....it does take time, but like you said you're willing to give it time..don't rely on yourself alone to fix this or bandage it for safe travels for the kids on your own....you can do this! Will keep you and your family in my prayers during the next few weeks, that you will be encouraged with newfound hope and signs of healing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2absh Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 :grouphug: I'd do what feels best / right for *now*, rather than planning for the future with respect to homeschooling. You can't really predict how your children be in the next 3-4 years. You can't even predict the shape of your marriage. One approach could be to put the children in school so that they get used to it sooner rather than later, but personally, this wouldn't feel right for me. I wish you the best in your journey. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 No advice, just :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 17, 2011 Share Posted December 17, 2011 It's hard to give input when we have no idea where your husband is at mentally. If he wants to work on the marriage, there's a lot to go on there. If he's been unfaithful, abusive, etc. we'd have one thing to say. If he's been selfish and immature, another. If he's unhappy and unfilled, yet another. KWIM? I'll be married 24 years in May. I've had times where I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that divorce would be easier and make me happier. I'm so glad I never followed those feelings. We're very happy and have worked through SO many things. Feelings are fleeting and deceptive. Remember that. OTOH, if your issues are insurmountable, then you've got a good plan. A LOT can happen in four years though. I have definitely felt insurmountable issues before. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 :grouphug: I will be praying for you and your family. Is there any way that the two of you can go to counseling? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.