mamapjama Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It has been a year since my husband moved out. I honestly only know one man that is divorced. One. I don't know him well, but I think he's a nice guy. I have run into him a couple of times recently. I doubt that he knows I'm just about divorced - d papers should be hopefully signed soon. So, should I email him? His number isn't listed. I just really want some adult talk you know? I want someone to hike with, to just have fun. I'm too young to be on my own. If he doesn't know I'm on my own, he'd never know - we don't really have many friends in common. I am NOT going to be good at this. But being home all the time with my kids leaves little opportunity to meet anyone. That sounds bad. I know it is way too early to be thinking about meeting anyone serious, but all my friends are couples and since we were all friends as couples, things are quiet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Are you actually attracted romantically to this man, or is it just that, because he's the only unmarried guy you know, you feel like you have to date him by default? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It has been a year since my husband moved out. I honestly only know one man that is divorced. One. I don't know him well, but I think he's a nice guy. I have run into him a couple of times recently. I doubt that he knows I'm just about divorced - d papers should be hopefully signed soon. So, should I email him? His number isn't listed. I just really want some adult talk you know? I want someone to hike with, to just have fun. I'm too young to be on my own. If he doesn't know I'm on my own, he'd never know - we don't really have many friends in common. I am NOT going to be good at this. But being home all the time with my kids leaves little opportunity to meet anyone. That sounds bad. I know it is way too early to be thinking about meeting anyone serious, but all my friends are couples and since we were all friends as couples, things are quiet. Well, IMO, it's too soon. You're emotionally vulnerable right now, and that's risky. You should consider connecting with other singles through your church or through civic groups--community theater, choral ensembles, service organizations, etc. Get to know people and make some friends, both male and female, and if something develops over time, that could be a good thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Could you send out a mass Christmas family update e-mail to many people and include him on the list. You could mention the divorce... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamapjama Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 I do think he is attractive, and I think from the few times that we have spoken, there is a little bit of flirtation. From what I can see he is a good dad to his son. I don't know him well enough to know much more than that. But if I'm with my kids all day/night how do I get out to meet him or anyone else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I do think he is attractive, and I think from the few times that we have spoken, there is a little bit of flirtation. From what I can see he is a good dad to his son. I don't know him well enough to know much more than that. But if I'm with my kids all day/night how do I get out to meet him or anyone else? At this point, if I were you, I would just focus on having friends. Friends are great, because they don't care if you can't see them for two weeks because your kids are sick or you can't afford a sitter, or whatever. Friends come with way fewer expectations. And, if one of those friends is male and there's an attraction, it'll happen naturally. The worst relationships I had were the ones where I jumped in quickly because I was lonely. As to making time with young children for any of that, well, if I knew the answer to that one, I'd go out a heck of a lot more. :tongue_smilie: Other than finding a good sitter, I have no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I say go for it! A year apart from your ex is not too soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 For sure, you shouldn't do it until you have your final divorce decree in your hand. And I'd really encourage you to wait. I know how hard it is, I do, but your children need you now more than ever. I'd spend some significant time being as much a full-time mother as possible, for as long as possible. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I say go for it! Ask him AND his son out to the playground or something if your kids are a compatible age. Tell him you are going nuts for lack of adult conversation and ask him to have coffee with you. Don't have any expectation of romance, but be open to making a friend. I signed up with match.com after my divorce, just because I craved adult interaction and was hoping to meet some nice guys for platonic type dates like going out for ice cream now and them. My current husband was recently divorced and also out on match.com 'looking', but not seriously or putting any real effort into it. I KNEW him, we lived two or three blocks apart and our kids were friends, but I wasn't aware that he was interested in meeting anyone new. I also knew he was a spectacular catch since he was a dedicated and caring dad and a responsible, stable man. AND he could cook. Heck yeah I snapped him up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It has been a year since my husband moved out. I honestly only know one man that is divorced. One. I don't know him well, but I think he's a nice guy. I have run into him a couple of times recently. I doubt that he knows I'm just about divorced - d papers should be hopefully signed soon. So, should I email him? His number isn't listed. I just really want some adult talk you know? I want someone to hike with, to just have fun. I'm too young to be on my own. If he doesn't know I'm on my own, he'd never know - we don't really have many friends in common. I am NOT going to be good at this. But being home all the time with my kids leaves little opportunity to meet anyone. That sounds bad. I know it is way too early to be thinking about meeting anyone serious, but all my friends are couples and since we were all friends as couples, things are quiet. No, I would not seek out the one divorced man you know. I would encourage you to seek out divorce or single parent support groups. There are some; my divorce support group experience was amazing. I would also encourage you to build an adult life, through excellent self care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 But if I'm with my kids all day/night how do I get out to meet him or anyone else? It can be hard to do, but you owe it to yourself and the kids to set aside one day a week (over even just a few hours) to take a break from them and get out of the house. We single moms tend to forget to take care of ourselves while we are busy taking care of everyone else. Maybe it's just an hour at a coffee shop, seeing a therapist, or a full on date with some cute guy but whatever it is just do it. Just an hour a week makes me a better mother : D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ezrabean2005 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I think it's too soon. My mom divorced my father when I was a baby, then was worried about being alone. Instead of healing and becoming a stable person on her own (which my brother and I desperately needed), she remarried and divorced three more times by the time I turned 20. I vividly remember filling out her third set of divorce papers to help her out when I was 16. Your kids need you to focus on them and yourself. Take your time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 For sure, you shouldn't do it until you have your final divorce decree in your hand. And I'd really encourage you to wait. I know how hard it is, I do, but your children need you now more than ever. I'd spend some significant time being as much a full-time mother as possible, for as long as possible. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I would try to build friendships/relationships with everyone, him included, and find like minded people or groups of people for hiking and such. You probably have a club in your state. Before you consider dating, you should make some ground rules for yourself. Consider how long you want to wait before you introduce the man to your children, or IF you do, etc. I had a friend who was widowed 4 years ago. She swore she'd NEVER date until her youngest was out of the house because she had BTDT with her oldest son. She had been married twice, divorced the first time and widowed the second. It was awful dating with just one kid. Lots of friction until her husband was diagnosed with cancer. Then her son and husband pulled together and worked things out. Consider how you're going to handle dating and your kids, who will watch your kids, etc. Other than that, I do hope you find happiness with someone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momma2Many66 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 :grouphug: I agree with some of the other posters who said to give yourself some more time and to wait before dating. Find a way to meet some girlfriends, divorce can create some cherished relationships with women, it can be a true bonding issue where you can help each other to grow and heal. I joined a woman's divorce support group and that had really helped me meet some nice women going through the same issues and dealing with the same problems as I was. Your children still need all your concentration and energy on them for a little longer, while they heal from everything. I share this because I made the mistake of dating too soon after my divorce ( because of tons of pressure from well meaning family and friends) and I did not make some wise choices in a few of those men. I then realized my mistake and took some time off (another 2 years) and then went on to meet my now husband (married 16 years this past October). Those 2 years helped me so much to grow and to heal and to make much wiser choices, my husband is a wonderful man and I am so glad that I waited for him and found the "right one" instead of rushing into another doomed relationship before I was really ready. P.S. I loved reading your blog, you are so strong and brave !! Your doing an awesome job !! I know sometimes it is lonely, I have been there and done that, but it is only for a season and you even grow in the lonely parts :001_smile: In fact, I found I grew more when I was lonely, it is when I spent the most time just concentrating and healing myself and it helped me to grow strong and independent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I say go for it! A year apart from your ex is not too soon! :iagree: It's been a year? To me, that is a long time. We don't know the circumstances of the divorce. I didn't need healing when my first DH and I split up. It was long overdue. I felt free and happy. Our separation lasted too long, IMHO. I had to use Legal Aid for the divorce and it took my 7 months just to get an intitial appointment. Yes, I was dating before my divorce papers were signed. So was he. Neither of us had any inclination towards reconciliation. And we remained friends. (at least until he married a woman who put ugly ideas into his head) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 :iagree: It's been a year? To me, that is a long time. We don't know the circumstances of the divorce. I didn't need healing when my first DH and I split up. It was long overdue. I felt free and happy. Our separation lasted too long, IMHO. I had to use Legal Aid for the divorce and it took my 7 months just to get an intitial appointment. Yes, I was dating before my divorce papers were signed. So was he. Neither of us had any inclination towards reconciliation. And we remained friends. (at least until he married a woman who put ugly ideas into his head) I went a bit crazy after my divorce. I don't regret it at all. It's a common (and IMO, understandable and can be needed) stage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I say go for it! A year apart from your ex is not too soon! But he's not her ex yet. I think you need to wait for the divorce papers to be signed and finalized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 But he's not her ex yet. I think you need to wait for the divorce papers to be signed and finalized. Is this a Christian thing or an American v Australian culture thing? Here, people don't wait for divorce to date. Separation was the end of the relationship. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missiemick Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I agree with the other posters: Wait and concentrate on your children and healing yourself. Also, guys can smell desperation a mile a way. Once you're in a good place (read: confident) then the right one will come find you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Is this a Christian thing or an American v Australian culture thing? Here, people don't wait for divorce to date. Separation was the end of the relationship. Rosie I think it's a "less messy" thing. I wouldn't want to date someone who was not yet actually divorced. I know many people who have been separated who have then gone back to the marriage successfully and happily. I've also known people who have balked on signing divorce papers or have had their ex balk and quite often (but not always) that has been a signal that there is still drama there. If the papers are almost signed, why not just wait until they are signed? Is there that much of a hurry for adult male conversation? I think the advice to join groups and clubs with social interaction with many different people is a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamapjama Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Thanks everyone. There is absolutely no chance of a reconciliation. I am not feeling desperate at all. In fact, I feel better than I have in at least 10 years. I have lost a lot of weight due to physical needs of my situation and because my treadmill has become my way of destressing. So physically and emotionally, I feel stronger than I have in many years. My kids, I ask often, seem to be doing well with this. The home is healthier and a better place. They know this. I would never, ever, introduce them to anyone for many, many, many months after I knew it was something longer term. My kids come first before anything like that and always will. I'm in a small town, without a lot of extra curricular type activities for adults. My kids are involved in many, but there really aren't a lot of single dads that attend :) I'm really not looking to start dating or anything along that line. I just miss that excitement of speculation you know? The holidays are getting to me I guess. Thanks for your advice ladies. The last thing I want to do is make a fool of myself :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 But he's not her ex yet. I think you need to wait for the divorce papers to be signed and finalized. Paper does not make a divorce or a marriage. My own situation, for example, was that the marriage was over, and divorced long before the Judge's stamp. And, I believe it works the other way, too. That people are committed and married and in covenental relationship long before the certificate. The legal goings on are unrelated to the actual presence or absence of a marriage. She's not married. He's not married. This is not a suggestion anyone rush into dating. But I have found the waiting on paperwork to be a symptom of a larger (and hot button) issue for me: treating not being divorced as a marriage. They are not synonymous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I doubt that he knows I'm just about divorced... I think from the few times that we have spoken, there is a little bit of flirtation... And how do you feel about a man that flirts with someone he thinks is married? Okay, okay, that is reading a bit more into the situation than is known (or has been stated), but it's something to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canadianmumof5 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well, IMO, it's too soon. You're emotionally vulnerable right now, and that's risky. You should consider connecting with other singles through your church or through civic groups--community theater, choral ensembles, service organizations, etc. Get to know people and make some friends, both male and female, and if something develops over time, that could be a good thing. :grouphug: :iagree::iagree: :grouphug::grouphug: As a child of divorce, please wait. Please. You may be ready - but I guarantee you that your children are not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.