ticklbee Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I have two dd's and one ds who is 8. At what age do you start letting them use public rest rooms by themselves? He is starting to balk at going to the ladies room, but when dh isn't with us (the majority of the time), I don't feel comfortable letting him go by himself. He is definitely not as mature as my girls were at this age. He is a younger 8, kwim? My dd's have each other - a built in buddy system, but ds is on his own. If it is a single toilet then I let him go in the mens room & I wait outside. But the mens rooms that have multiple stalls & urinals concern me. Even if I waited outside of those, I have no idea who's in there and I can't stop anyone from going in. So, what's a mom to do? How do you handle this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenKitty Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I always go in with all of them. Most places around here now have family restrooms. If I can't go in with them all then we go somewhere else. Not sure how long, I guess as long as I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrianne Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 My ds9 just started using the men's room on his own. It just sort of happened. Mostly we go to the store and church. At church for me it is no big deal he goes on his own. At the store, I try find a family restroom (I love these!). Dh and me have had a talk with him about behavior in the bathroom and to trust his feelings. It is okay to leave or avoid it if someone or something makes him feel creepy. I have to say though I feel very apprehensive about it. If I had a choice, I would still bring him in the ladies room. (overprotective mom). But Dh says he is a boy and needs to be one and ds gets very embarrassed even talking about going in the ladies room. I would like to see what others say Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don't let my ds8 go alone yet. I have twins, so I send them together. A few times I have just gone into the men's room w/one ds. Or I've stood in the doorway. My first choice is a family bathroom though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I have allowed 4 year old ds to use the men's room. I am usually at the door, and I am not afraid to open it a bit and hollar in to him to ask how he's doing ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 We got some funny looks (he was big for his age), but no one ever said anything. I would have him stand just inside the door (inside the door of the restroom, not inside the stall! ;)) and wait for me. By the time he was about 11 or 12, I would have him stand just outside the door. Until he was about 9 or 10, if he needed to use the restroom, I took him into the ladies' room and waited just outside the stall. When he got to the age of 10 or 11, I would stand right outside the men's room door, and he would go in and see if anyone else was in there. If there was, he would come out and wait for them to leave. If the restroom was empty, he would use the restroom while I waited just outside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Alfred Academy Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I always have my ds 5&7 use the women's restroom if the men's has more than one stall. I just make sure they keep their heads down when we walk in and out to give the other women their privacy...it's sometimes too easy to see through the cracks of the doors. Ds7 is starting to complain, but I am not comfortable letting him go in by himself yet. Too much "stuff" could go on behind those closed doors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Just be The Obnoxious Mom like me. I open the door a small crack & holler, "I'm waiting right here. Yell if there's a problem. I have no qualms about coming in there!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Ds is now 11. Thankfully he is very small for his age and we got away with using the ladies until he was almost 10. Now he uses the mens and I stand outside and shout to him at intervals. If he did not shout right back I would have NO COMPUNCTION WHATEVER to go right on in there to get him!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyboys Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I have two dd's and one ds who is 8. At what age do you start letting them use public rest rooms by themselves? He is starting to balk at going to the ladies room, but when dh isn't with us (the majority of the time), I don't feel comfortable letting him go by himself. He is definitely not as mature as my girls were at this age. He is a younger 8, kwim? My dd's have each other - a built in buddy system, but ds is on his own. If it is a single toilet then I let him go in the mens room & I wait outside. But the mens rooms that have multiple stalls & urinals concern me. Even if I waited outside of those, I have no idea who's in there and I can't stop anyone from going in. So, what's a mom to do? How do you handle this? if we're running errands and we're headed to a small shop or restaurant, I encourage dc to go there instead of waiting til we're at a large store. If we're at the library, I try to head for the upstairs out-of-the-way bathroom near the kids' area. One library has a family restroom. Same with museums and things. I just try to think ahead about the kind of traffic that restroom A gets vs. restroom B (like the lobby restroom at the main library, EveryBody goes there, including those who aren't interested in the library at all, kwim?). Dc here are getting to the age where it's uncomfortable for them and possibly for others when they have to go in the ladies' room, and oldest ds does balk, so I try to let him go on his own when it seems ok. He knows to call out about anything, and I stand just outside the door to check. I talk to him as he goes in to let anyone inside know that I'm right there, and if someone goes in just after he does, I call in to him. Soon enough, he probably won't care for this much either, but better a little irritation with me than an ugly incident of some sort. Good luck. I figure it's better safe than sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Your concerns are very valid. Some molesters do hang out in bathrooms to take whatever opportunity comes their way. So, don't send him in alone when other men are there unless he's old enough to hold his own (at least to run out, etc.) if someone were to try something. It's tough when you just have one. I will send mine in by the buddy system because I have multiple boys, but that's not an option for you. Other options: 1. Find a one seater or family restroom. These are pretty common these days. 2. Send him in tentatively to tell you whether there is anyone else in there. If someone else is in there, wait outside until they come out. If no one else is there in a multiple stall bathroom, it's okay. Stand just inside the door with it open. This will cause other men who might come along to wait. Only do this if he's not going to be taking much time... 3. Sometimes, you'll have to insist on the women's room. It's just the way it is. I would tell him why you have the rules you do and that other mothers do the same thing: " There are men who break the private part rules and sometimes try to force a boy to do something he doesn't want to. Sometimes those men hang out in bathrooms waiting for a boy to come in alone. I know about these things and am protecting you. Other moms have their boys do the same thing; you're not the only one who has to use the women's room at times." Some people hesitate to tell their kids why, but there's no better way to protect them unless you can be with them 100% of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlashine Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 When we are out as a family, he goes with dh. When we are out on our own, I am the obnoxious mom standing outside the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseballmom Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Until he was about 9 or 10, if he needed to use the restroom, I took him into the ladies' room and waited just outside the stall. When he got to the age of 10 or 11, I would stand right outside the men's room door, and he would go in and see if anyone else was in there. If there was, he would come out and wait for them to leave. If the restroom was empty, he would use the restroom while I waited just outside. A friend of mine just came up with the same idea. Up until my son turned twleve I always brought them into the womens restroom with me. Then a friend of mine who has girls told me how uncormfortable that is for her girls to go into a restroom with boys. So I try not to take them into the womens restroom unless absolutely necessary, like when we are in a scary place or something. Dorothy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 My son was 11 when he started using the men's room. I'm often at the door calling to check on him if he doesn't hurry. If we are traveling I'm sure to stay by the door and wait and then use the ladies room while he waits for me with his sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 If I am out with my ds and my dh is not with us I bring 2-way radios for this occasion. I know it sounds looney but if he is going in a men's restroom by himself he has a 2-way with him and can call for help and I can contact him without going in there. My friend suggested this to me and we use them all the time (even if he is playing out in the backyard). I don't believe there is a thing as "too" safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WagsWife Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 We don't have boy's, but this is what my Dh did for our girls. He would send them into the womens RR with the instructions that if ANYONE was in there, they were to come straight out and wait until it was empty. As they got a little older, he would let them go in if there was another person, but he would stand with his back towards the door, and with his rear-end he would keep the door cracked enough so he could call in to make sure they were OK. He never got any odd looks...in fact, on more than one occasion, our girls were told how lucky they were that they had a dad who cared that much about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Not just age, but height and weight also play in for me. I want them to be big enough to yell loud and fight back hard if they need to in the millisecond before I can get in there to them. At age nine for my younger, smaller son I began to let him go alone in some places, if it was not busy with lots of people AND if I were right outside so that I could hear. Or I would check with him in just a minute if he didn't come right out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Ds turned 8 in March and he is big for his age. For the past year or maybe more he has been going to the mens room alone. Depending on where we are I employ a number of tactics...:) Lots of talks about freaks in the world and how to be aware and scream or run away if he encounters any weird behavior or looks while in there. I will have him go in and get verify no one else is in there. One time I forgot to do this and he was taking a loooong time in there (had to go #2, so I wasn't overly worried) so when a man went in and came back out I asked him to go back in and let me know if anyone else was in there. It was hilarious....The man opens the door and says, 'DS? (his name of course)' I hear a pause and then a very small voice say, 'yes?' I hear the man say, 'your mom is just checking on you.' The reason I didn't open the door myself that time is because it was a double entrance time restroom. If it is a busy bathroom, men coming and going, I stand very near the door and look at those going in right in the face as if I am minding their business...:) . And I've been known to open the door and say 'ds, are you ok?' You would be surprised how fast a little boy can accomplish his business when in fear that his mom will do this. :) And sometimes, if all else fails, if we are in a strange place that I don't feel comfortable with and I have to go bad myself, he is forced to go in with me. I do try to avoid that when possible, because I want to let him keep his dignity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don't think it is a big deal....and really....would anyone say anything? Everyone is behind closed doors in a ladies restroom, LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don't think it is a big deal....and really....would anyone say anything? Everyone is behind closed doors in a ladies restroom, LOL! Not a big deal to me at all. I would never mind a boy coming in with his mom...but doesn't your son mind at age 13? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 he wouldn't have been able to wash his hands if he went into the men's restroom today, LOL.....it was some sort of new fangled soap and you had to push a hardly visible button to get the water on.....I even had a hard time with it, LOL! Do you ever catch yourself sticking your hands up to the papertowel dispenser hoping it 'automatically' dispenses the papertowel....only to learn it is one fo those manual ones, LOL! Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don't think it is a big deal....and really....would anyone say anything? Everyone is behind closed doors in a ladies restroom, LOL! I would mind. And I bet most 10-25 year old girls would too. Most of those stalls have seams you can see through. I really don't want anyone's boys in there with me. In our society, there is a reasonable expectation that there will not be boys older than toddlers in the womens' bathrooms. The pool we go to has a sign on the door that boys over 5 cannot use the women's locker room. I really don't remember when ds(16) started using the men's room but it was long before 10. Please, please use the stand-outside-the-door-of-the-men's-room option if you don't trust the strangers around your boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I would mind. And I bet most 10-25 year old girls would too. Most of those stalls have seams you can see through. I really don't want anyone's boys in there with me. In our society, there is a reasonable expectation that there will not be boys older than toddlers in the womens' bathrooms. The pool we go to has a sign on the door that boys over 5 cannot use the women's locker room. I really don't remember when ds(16) started using the men's room but it was long before 10. Please, please use the stand-outside-the-door-of-the-men's-room option if you don't trust the strangers around your boys. Hmmmm.....I didn't think about the young girls...yeah, I'm sure it would bug them if a 13 year old was in there. But honestly I can't believe HE doesn't mind. And that sign at the pool....at ours it was age 6...the year ds turned 6 I took him a few times and that rule really irritated me. I felt he was too young to take that trek through the mens shower/bathroooms alone. They finally opened up the pass through gate (that the employees use) for that sort of situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I have an only ds, and it was really hard for me to let him starting going into a men's restroom alone. A couple of ideas: 1) Ask before hand if it is #1 or #2 so you know how long to expect him to be in there. 2) Set up a "code" answer. I have a friend who has instructed her son that if she opens the door and hollers in, "Is everything okay?" that if it is NOT, he is to answer her in Spanish! "Si, Mama." So he is answering with a "yes," it is okay, but if he says it in Spanish, she knows things are NOT okay. He, thankfully, has never had to answer in Spanish, but I thought this was very clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Both of my boys have gone to the men's room when they were 7 and they're autistic. The only place I wouldn't let them go to the men's room is at a stadium with long lines, I'd be afraid they'd wander away before I got out with my dd. Luckily, there are usually family restrooms at those venues. I have absolute confidence in their ability to scream bloody murder at the slightest provocation :w00t:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would mind. And I bet most 10-25 year old girls would too. Most of those stalls have seams you can see through. I really don't want anyone's boys in there with me. In our society, there is a reasonable expectation that there will not be boys older than toddlers in the womens' bathrooms. The pool we go to has a sign on the door that boys over 5 cannot use the women's locker room. This was a problem for me as well at our rec center pool. There were boys in the 6 - 8 year old range that not only used the girl's locker room to dress but came and went freely sometimes playing in there. My daughter and I were both very uncomfortable. I wish we had such a rule. Does anybody know the real risks (statistics? You know I like to see the numbers to make an intelligent evaluation ;-)) that a child will be assulted in a public restroom? I would also guess few predators would try anything if it is busy, or Mom is at the door :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 if he says it in Spanish, she knows things are NOT okay. He, thankfully, has never had to answer in Spanish, but I thought this was very clever. Clever idea. Thanks for sharing. For those who do explain all the reasons to be careful, make sure to mention that sometimes the person might pose as a security person &/or accuse them of shoplifting or something. Just mentioning this because I remember a case like that a year ago where 2 boys went in (buddy system), and they kept their heads enough to yell & get out when this guy approached them saying he was 'undercover store security' and telling them that he thought they shoplifted something. I could see some situation like that throwing a kid off guard, kwim? For my ds, it's similar to what others have said. I try to find a family restroom, sometimes the men's is ok (depends on situation), or sometimes he goes in the ladies room w/ dd & me (which he has to do if he's waiting on us anyway because I'm not letting him wait outside the restroom for us yet -- in those cases he waits just inside the ladies' room door). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Wow. I'll be the only one in 3 pages to post something to the contrary. My boys started using public mensrooms around school age. I know there is always some anecdotal story that comes up during this topic (the most common is the child killed in a public restroom). But, in my heavily researched opinion, the risks in public, busy restrooms with a variety of strange-to-each other adults coming and going are miniscule. The overwhelming majority of kids who are molested are molested in their own homes, churches and by known, "loved" and trusted people, Coaches, and leaders. I feel confident that my kid can pee in McDonalds safely. :001_huh: My son is 13 and he just went in with me and my daughter today, LOL.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't think it is a big deal....and really....would anyone say anything? Everyone is behind closed doors in a ladies restroom, LOL! I have a 13 year old boy. And an 11 year old girl. It would VERY MUCH bother me to have a 13 year old boy in the women's room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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