*Inna* Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 One of my SIL has 3 girls and is pregnant again. They were very hopeful to have a boy, but 2 ultrasounds later - it's a girl. Now, my BIL is perfectly fine with it, SIL on the other hand is a bit... upset. There was a scene when she screamed that BIL is not a boy-making material etc. :001_huh: Anyway. We see each other at least once a week and each time she would look at my 2 year old boy and would start talking how he looks JUST like her husband and she's sure her baby boy would look exactly like him. Several times she asked an innocent bystander if they think this boy is her son. She hugs him. A lot. She tries to make it as a joke, but the frequency of it makes me think it is not. I tried to just smile and do the "bean dip" thing, but it really starting to get on my nerves. How can I make her stop in a polite way? She's an emotional time bomb. You never know when she will explode. We had a very rough relationship in the past and both worked hard to fix it. I don't want to start the craziness again, but I'm dreading seeing her. What should I do? Grin and bear it and hope when she gives birth she'll go back to her less crazy self? Say something? Help! :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Is it your dh's sister? Is the BIL his brother? I would ask him to talk to your BIL and mention that counseling would be a very good idea for your SIL. What you describe seems to cross over into obsessive territory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Gosh, that's disturbing. If I wanted to maintain the relationship, I'd try to see her a little less, and ignore. Otherwise, I would just tell her that I wasn't comfortable. Sort of OT, but is she vegetarian? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Do you have to see her so frequently and is it necessary that your son is around? I am not sure that any deep conversations at this point (pregnancy & early post-pregnancy) are a good idea, she needs to be as stable as possible for the baby and such conversations have a great potential of upsetting her. I would probably talk to BIL rather than directly to her. In different circumstances, this is something to actively deal with and not to ignore, but right now it may be a really inconvenient time. She could maybe profit from some kind of therapy, but again, not sure how good it is for her to focus on that point so much during her pregnancy - maybe it would be exacerbated. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I would be "too busy" to hang out with her for the indefinite future. She needs to think about something else. And I wouldn't leave my son alone with her for a second, ever, ever, ever, ever. Make sure your DH and anyone who babysits your son knows not to leave him alone with her, either. And I'd tell BIL why we're keeping our distance. Maybe he'll get her some help. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 My SIL: isn't quite that nutty ;) but she has 3 girls and always comments about how my son looks like my brother (her dh), how he could fit right into their family, etc, etc, etc. Thankfully she lives hours and hours away so I don't have to put up with it too often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well, that's just weird behavior... I've never heard of such before. I would avoid her as much as possible. Depending on what side of the family it is, you or your DH (corresponding side of the family) could say something to your BIL, if he's open to it. Counseling does kind of sound in order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eewaggie99 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Pregnancy tends to bring out even more of the crazy than usual. When pregnant w/ ds, I nearly broke the speaker box at a McDonalds because we came 10 minutes after they stopped serving the McGriddle. Not my finest moment! If it's dh brother, have your husband mention something. Otherwise, avoid her until the pregnancy is over. I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone say things like that about my child, but talking to her probably won't do you any good while the hormones are raging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 She tries to make it as a joke, but the frequency of it makes me think it is not. I tried to just smile and do the "bean dip" thing, but it really starting to get on my nerves. Well, maybe she's nuts, and maybe she really is perfectly harmless and is just kidding around, but that's not really the point here. What is important is that you are seeing some red flags and are feeling uncomfortable, and that's all I need to hear. I am a big believer in Mommy Instincts. :grouphug: I think the best course of action is to keep yourself and your ds away from your SIL. If your dh is close to his brother, he could mention the problem to him, but you have to be prepared for World War III when BIL tells SIL exactly what your dh told him. (And he will probably tell her, even if it's just to tell her to stop hanging all over your ds.) I agree with everyone else who has said not to ever leave your ds alone with your SIL, if you believe she may be emotionally unstable, but if you can avoid contact completely, that would be the best option. (Your dh can still visit with his brother, but you and your ds would always have the elusive "other obligations," so you wouldn't be able to get together with SIL.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 :grouphug: I think that is crazy. I am preggo with number 4. The first 3 are all the same gender. If this one is not a different gender oh well. I will love them just as much as I love my older children. If it is a different gender I am in trouble as I am not prepared for that clothing/toy wise. I agree with everybody that says stay away and suggest counseling to her spouse. That is crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Wow, that is a new one for me. I would get the heebie jeebies. What in heaven's name is she implying? Your ds is the result of an illicit affair between you and her dh? Or he looks so much like her dh you should give him to her? Her need for a boy is alarming, IMO. We all fantasize about the gender and hope for this or that and then love the bundle we are given. We might even notice adorable little tots and comment on them, once. Beyond that, ick. Keep your distance!! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 That is odd... however, what if she's doing it innocently? My good friend had a boy the same time as me. Mine has autism. Her boy has a special place in my heart because he brings to mind "what if". So when I see him playing soccer I just melt. When he does things that typical boys do and my son doesn't, my heart swells. I love that kid, and I love my boy. Would I want to steal him as my own? Heaven's no! My friend is not threatened at all, and loves that he has a special place in my heart. She takes it as a compliment. But I'm also not mentally unstable (for the most part!) :lol: Perhaps (barring mental problems) she's just dealing with the what-ifs and loving your boy in a special way. Is that a possibility? Or is it really wigging you out? This is something that only your mama's instinct will really know. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Wow, that is a new one for me. I would get the heebie jeebies. What in heaven's name is she implying? Your ds is the result of an illicit affair between you and her dh? Or he looks so much like her dh you should give him to her? Her need for a boy is alarming, IMO. We all fantasize about the gender and hope for this or that and then love the bundle we are given. We might even notice adorable little tots and comment on them, once. Beyond that, ick. Keep your distance!! :grouphug: I'd guess she hasn't consciously thought any of this. She probably has no idea that she's not thinking right or that she's scaring the OP. I hope her DH will arrange counseling or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 That's very strange, but maybe it's just pregnancy weirdness. I would just avoid her for now. She'll most likely mellow out when she has her sweet girl. If you correspond with her at all via email or talk to her on the phone, you could talk up the fact of having so many girls. "How wonderful for your girls! Just think, they'll have each other for life. That is so special. What a neat thing having best friends in one's own house. They'll enrich each other's lives so much!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 hi - there is a cultural difference here... are you central canada or california? in canada, where i'm from, i would talk to her and just say that you're sorry she's sad about it not being a boy, and ask if she's noticed how often she has mentioned your son looking like her dh lately? and tell her that the first time it just made you sad for her, but now it is troubling you. ask her if she would find it easier to get used to the idea of another girl if she didn't see your ds for a few weeks or if it helps her to see him.... then if she says it would help to see him, ask her to not comment on the likeness between him and her dh..... in california where i am now, i would have the siblings talk (i'm guessing your dh and your dbil?), expressing concern for dsil, and suggest he have the above conversation with her, and listen carefully for signs of something some councilling might help, with lots of emphasis on the love and concern for them.... :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ignore it & don't talk behind her back. Her husband knows it already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Is it your dh's sister? Is the BIL his brother? I would ask him to talk to your BIL and mention that counseling would be a very good idea for your SIL. What you describe seems to cross over into obsessive territory. BIL and my husband are brothers. They do look alike in many ways, but I think my husband is more handsome. ;) She did have a crush on my husband before she started dating her DH and for many years had a possessive attitude about him - one of the reasons of rocky relationship (mine and hers) in the beginning. Wow, that is a new one for me. I would get the heebie jeebies. What in heaven's name is she implying? Your ds is the result of an illicit affair between you and her dh? Or he looks so much like her dh you should give him to her? Her need for a boy is alarming, IMO. We all fantasize about the gender and hope for this or that and then love the bundle we are given. We might even notice adorable little tots and comment on them, once. Beyond that, ick. Keep your distance!! :grouphug: I don't think she's implying that. That is odd... however, what if she's doing it innocently? My good friend had a boy the same time as me. Mine has autism. Her boy has a special place in my heart because he brings to mind "what if". So when I see him playing soccer I just melt. When he does things that typical boys do and my son doesn't, my heart swells. I love that kid, and I love my boy. Would I want to steal him as my own? Heaven's no! My friend is not threatened at all, and loves that he has a special place in my heart. She takes it as a compliment. But I'm also not mentally unstable (for the most part!) :lol: Perhaps (barring mental problems) she's just dealing with the what-ifs and loving your boy in a special way. Is that a possibility? Or is it really wigging you out? This is something that only your mama's instinct will really know. :grouphug: I hope it's all innocent. I have distanced myself from her as much as possible, but we go to the same church and there's always some kinds of events that the whole family is invited. BIL did tell me that she doubled her "shenanigans" with this pregnancy and I suggested counseling, but he just laughed it off. I think I'll just zip it and try to avoid talking to her. Wow, Thanksgiving this year should be... interesting. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I don't suppose DH would have a thoughtful conversation with his brother about SIL's conversations. He could couch it all in the "not that this will probably happen but..." these kinds of conversations happen before someone steals a baby. She also may end up with some more severe post partum depression because she's faced, for certain with another girl baby. Yes, PPD is often related to hormone shifts and that kind of thing, but if she's dreading the baby that is to come (and possibly thinking that maybe the ultrasound was wrong and there's still hope for a boy), things could be really rough come birthing. Could you talk to her about needing to talk to someone about her girl-baby grief? I'd be concerned about her post-partum mental health if she doesn't get some things set up now to reconcile with what's coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ignore it & don't talk behind her back. Her husband knows it already. The only person I talked about it is my husband. He thinks I should distance our family from her too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Stay away from her. You have a previous engagement. Always. It's true. You have to: 1) Meditate at home 2) Watch TV at hone 3) Breathe at home There is a LOT of stuff you have to do any time there is an event SIL will attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 It could just be crazy hormones. :( But I would probably avoid this woman like the plague and I'd watch her with my kids. How does your own DD feel hearing her aunt talk like this?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 The only person I talked about it is my husband. He thinks I should distance our family from her too. Actually if her husband calls her behavior "shenanigans" then he doesn't really acknowledge how abnormal her behavior is. I agree with your dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 (snip) How can I make her stop in a polite way? She's an emotional time bomb. You never know when she will explode. We had a very rough relationship in the past and both worked hard to fix it. I don't want to start the craziness again, but I'm dreading seeing her. What should I do? Grin and bear it and hope when she gives birth she'll go back to her less crazy self? Say something? Help! :confused: you can't make her stop. You can try bluntly telling her how she is creeping you out and you don't want to hear another word about this. (though, that might make her more likely to act out.) she needs psychiatric help. I would talk to her dh right now that she is obsessed and you're very concerned about how she'll care for the baby. (she's already rejected it in her head.) if you know her dr - I'd report my concerns. they can't say anything to you, but they can listen. this isn't going to change without intevention on her behalf. I'd refuse to see her, or at least prevent her from seeing my children/son until she's gotten help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 BIL and my husband are brothers. They do look alike in many ways, but I think my husband is more handsome. ;) She did have a crush on my husband before she started dating her DH and for many years had a possessive attitude about him - one of the reasons of rocky relationship (mine and hers) in the beginning. Okay, this, coupled with the stuff in your original post, would really make me think that she needs some counseling to help her work out her feelings. I think it's probably innocent, at this point; she's working through the "what ifs" and is dealing with some grieving about not having a boy of her own (which I do think is normal). I think all of that is probably normal, but I'd be concerned that it is crossing a line, or could in the future. She could end up having negative feelings towards her husband ("your brother makes boys; I should have ended up with him"), as well as her baby, and she could be setting herself up for severe PPD. Perhaps a counselor can help her work through the feelings safely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyinND Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I don't know how to deal with that situation. I do think it's pretty normal, in that situation to wish for a certain gender, but I think she's going overboard (I suppose it could be hormones...) . I think people should count their blessings. I'm sure most people who struggle with infertility wouldn't care about gender, just want a healthy baby. Or someone who has lost a baby probably wouldn't be focused on having one or the other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Thank you so much for your responses! I want to help her, but at the same time don't want to get in the line of fire, so to speak. My kids love their cousins and have been asking why we don't spend as much time together anymore. I think I'll keep them extra busy and stop feeling guilty about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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