When do you leave a church?

[Gwen in VA]

What are some good reaons for leaving a church?

 

What are some BAD reasns for leaving a church?

 

How do you decide when you should stay in a given church?

[Mel in K-zoo]

I guess my opinion is that we are all sinful people and part of being in a church is lovingly enduring sinful people. I know that people must be able to put up with me :D So I guess I would have a hard time leaving because I do not like some of the people or the preachers mannerisms or anything like that. I think the time to leave a church is when the doctrine is wrong or heretical. Just my 2 cents.

[3lilreds in NC]

I think it's OK to leave a church for significant doctrinal issues or leadership issues.

 

It's not OK to leave over hurt feelings. Church families are just that, families, and made up of imperfect people. It's much easier to walk away, but we are called as Christians to love and forgive each other and work through problems in our relationships, rather than just walk away.

 

We left a church once because it was just too far away. It was a wonderful church, but we could not get ourselves and 2 babies ready for 9am church with a 45 minute drive. Plus, it was really too far away for us to be involved in anything. I know there are folks who will drive that far, and farther, for church, but it didn't work for us. I don't know if that's a good reason, but it's the truthful reason.:)

 

I'm struggling with our church and have been for a long time. It's been difficult to plug in. It's never felt like "home" to me. It's a great church, but I feel like we show up every week and no one would notice if we didn't anymore. I know that's not really true; we're members of a small group and have made some excellent friends there. I am pretty sure the issue is not the church but my attitude, which is why I haven't pushed to find a different church. There are lots of small things about this church that I don't care for but probably not reasons to leave. For example, they are making (and may have already in place) a fountain that converts into a baptismal pool, so that small groups can do their own baptisms rather than a pastor doing it in church. Baptism Sundays are a huge deal with lots of people needing to be baptized, so they want to move the baptisms out of the service, I guess. I have no issue with that biblically, but our church is huge, and we have almost no pastoral contact as it is; it's important to me that they at least participate in baptism. Worth leaving the church over? Probably not.

 

People leave churches for lots of reasons. I think it's important to evaluate why you'd want to leave and make sure you're not leaving because it's easier than resolving whatever it is that's making you want to leave.

[Trivium Academy]

Our Answer is: When your husband gets assigned to another church.

 

I couldn't leave a church if I wanted to. Oh, I guess I could but it would cause a ruckus. Can you imagine a pastor's wife not attending the church her husband preaches at??? Oh, the shame! :lol:

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

When you move too far away to be able to attend.

 

Other than that, significant doctrinal issues or leadership that was in deliberate and obvious disobedience to scripture. We've never had to leave anywhere for that reason.

 

I want to add: if my children were extremely unhappy there, or my dh chose to leave, or if we were being wrongfully persecuted in some way.

[Rebecca in VA]

I refuse to go any longer to the church our family has been attending for three-and-a-half years. Not only do I have a serious problem with extreme Reformed Theology, but I can't bear to hear the church leaders bash other churches CONSTANTLY, EVERY WEEK. It seems no other church can do anything right except Reformed Baptists. Catholics, megachurches, youth groups, ANYONE non-Reformed...we're constantly told how heretical they all are. (No flames or debate, please.) I realize that some groups and some doctrines aren't as "pure" as they should be, but if they're preaching the plan of salvation correctly I don't have a serious problem with them.

 

Oh, and by the way, they don't believe in the Great Commission at that church. They had a "distinguished" guest speaker come in and tell us that Christ wasn't speaking to the Church, he was speaking only to his apostles. Therefore, it doesn't apply to us. We don't have to worry about witnessing for the Lord because it's not our responsibility (yeah, right).

 

The ladies in the church have contacted me and let me know that they believe I'm probably not "chosen" after all, but I feel more happiness in the Lord away from that church.

[Plaid Dad]

Good reasons:

 

 

1. You no longer hold the beliefs that the church teaches.
   
2. The church's teachings are unorthodox/false/heretical (by whatever definition applies in your situation).
   
3. There is a pattern of abuse (spiritual, physical, emotional) within the church and no accountability for it.
   

 

 

It's harder for me to come up with bad reasons because those "bad reasons" may well have one of the good reasons at the core. Personality conflicts can turn abusive and show a lack of accountability, particularly if they are with the leadership. Something as seemingly innocuous as bad music may indicate a lack of orthodoxy. Feeling that you're "not getting fed" can mean either that your beliefs aren't really in line with the church's, or that the church isn't teaching the fullness of the faith. Sometimes all of these things are just self-will...but sometimes they're not.

 

But if I had to name one bad reason to leave a church, it would be that the church members are not perfect. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect church people to be more self-aware and more actively struggling to overcome their weaknesses than those outside. But if you expect perfection from the get-go, you will be disappointed. Mark 2:17 and all that! ;)

[WTMindy]

I wish Katherine B was around because I remember years ago on the old boards she posted a list of reasons to leave a church. The reason I remember it is because it made me cry because it was the first time that I really realized we would probably eventually need to leave the church where we were. It was a good, thought provoking list and I remember it cutting me to the quick! This was at least four years ago, because we have been at our new church for over 3 years. While it doesn't quite yet feel like home, I think we get closer to that every month.

[LaurainKs]

Just another 2 cents to think about, but I think an important question to answer is, are you being fed spiritually? Does the service lift up and glorify the Lord? And, do all the activities pull your family apart, or do you go to church as a family, worship as a family, and minister as a family? That last one is a tall order, and one I'm still looking to find. I also think that the parents' attitude about church is vitally important. We will transmit our attitudes to our kids, like it or not.

Laura

[Kelli in TN]

The ladies in the church have contacted me and let me know that they believe I'm probably not "chosen" after all, but I feel more happiness in the Lord away from that church.

 

:ohmy:

 

 

People say stuff like that? Did God tell them that? I am....flabbergasted.

[Joanne]

My xh and I left a church.

 

We left ostensibly because the church started having "Children's Church". Now, don't get me wrong. We didn't leave because they offered "Children's Church". We left because although they said it was optional, in application it really was not. "Children's Church" was not the issue, the thinking/approach behind developing that Children's Church program was the problem.

 

Nearly every event, every gathering, every study was age segregated. It was expected that children would be separate.

 

This church had also offered GKGW - a rarity for a Presbyterian USA church - and now a deal breaker for me. (I would not culturally or doctrinally feel comfortable at a church that embraced it).

 

Our first visit to this church, people practically ran to us to share how they were a "confessing church". Um. Ok. I realize that is a pressing issue in the Presbyterian Church as a whole. But the information was certainly not one of the first things I needed to know, cared about or was impressed by.

 

The Pastor was/is a gifted, amazing speaker and sermon giver. But we differed on issues that were important to my (and my xh) in family choices. Differed widely.

 

We finally decided we couldn't accept him in a Leadership role for us.

 

That church, interestingly enough, is now in serious stress with the congregation having voted to leave the PC USA denomination. There's a lot of controversy over how that was done and behind the scenes activity. There is also a core group of members who are heartbroken and want to stay PC USA. I'm glad I changed churches before this point; the tension and pain over there right now must be awful - regardless of what "side" you are on.

 

Basically, this church was too conservative, too punitive and encouraged a family culture that was not "attached".

[Kelli in TN]

or do you go to church as a family, worship as a family,

 

 

Not everyone is looking for that, though. We actually choose to go to church where our children can go to class where there is age appropriate teaching and we can be in the sanctuary where we can have age appropriate teaching as well. Our church would not be for everyone, children are rarely in the sanctuary, but we actually enjoy this aspect and do not feel it is divisive in our family.

 

I just wanted to give another viewpoint.

[LisaNY]

Not everyone is looking for that, though. We actually choose to go to church where our children can go to class where there is age appropriate teaching and we can be in the sanctuary where we can have age appropriate teaching as well. Our church would not be for everyone, children are rarely in the sanctuary, but we actually enjoy this aspect and do not feel it is divisive in our family.

 

I just wanted to give another viewpoint.

 

I agree. We have a similar setup at our congregation. Children go to their age-appropriate classes during the main message. We worship together, and then the children are dismissed. After Bar/Bat Mitzvah age, they can choose to stay upstairs, or remain in their classes.

[Jan in SC]

What is GKGW? Why is it a deal breaker? (I've never heard of this.)

 

 

Two of my sister-in-laws do not attend the church where their husbands are ministers! (Of course, as ministers themselves, they have their own churches!)

 

Confession: I almost didn't mention that for fear of being flamed. I have rarely responded to any CC as I feel awkward. While I feel "very" Christian irl, on these boards I frequently feel ... not good enough, just based on my church preference. (Just me being my over thinking-sensitive self!)

[BMW]

Several years I came up with my rule: When the pastor wont look me in the eyes or speak to me, it's time to move on. Really.

 

The pastors were in way over their head with my ex husband, who at the time was abusive and lying to them. They chose to believe dh and kept telling me that if I would submit and respect him and live to honor God, everything would work out. It didn't. Abuse continued and they didn't want to consider it. They didn't believe in emotional and verbal abuse, thought that was a made up deal or something, and they turned a blind eye to dh cruel nature. Anyway, I couldn't go there any more. I love several people who do go there and keep relationships with them, but it's not an issue any more since I don't even live in that state anymore. They also didn't believe in divorce at all... I would have lost my children if I didn't make dh leave! (yes, I could have just separated, but I can't tell you how blessed I am now to be free of that man)

 

I don't think I would leave a church because they didn't believe in divorce, but if they blindly watched a family suffer, I'd be out the door.

[3lilreds in NC]

What is GKGW? Why is it a deal breaker? (I've never heard of this.)

 

Two of my sister-in-laws do not attend the church where their husbands are ministers! (Of course, as ministers themselves, they have their own churches!)

 

Confession: I almost didn't mention that for fear of being flamed. I have rarely responded to any CC as I feel awkward. While I feel "very" Christian irl, on these boards I frequently feel ... not good enough, just based on my church preference. (Just me being my over thinking-sensitive self!)

 

GKGW = Growing Kids God's Way. Think Babywise/Ezzos with lots of reasons thrown in why theirs is the only "Biblical" way of parenting. (I took this class. It helped me tremendously - I would not have had the first clue what to do with my first baby without it. They are crazy people. But I do appreciate that I knew babies needed to eat often and sleep a lot. When we took the toddler version of this class, I knew that their parenting style was not for me when they told me to flick my baby's cheek if she refused to stop sucking her thumb.)

 

Oh honey, please don't ever feel like you're not "good enough" as a Christian! The only poster child for Christianity was Christ. The rest of us are just learning like everyone else. Some of us are just far more eloquent in our faith (I would not be one of those).

[SnowWhite]

We recently "tried on" a different church for about 6 months. Our reason for considering (actually following through for a short while) a switch was that our church has grown to the point there was no Sunday School for several weeks because the SS rooms were full of adult congregation. A side benefit of the switch was a more progressive style of sermon and more modern worship service.

 

However! We were not able to agree with the doctrine of the new church in the long haul. The "straw that broke the camel's back" was a sermon encouraging us to "shun" those who did not follow the church doctrine. Ick.

[Kathy in MD]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebecca in VA

The ladies in the church have contacted me and let me know that they believe I'm probably not "chosen" after all, but I feel more happiness in the Lord away from that church.

 

 

 

:ohmy:

 

 

People say stuff like that? Did God tell them that? I am....flabbergasted.

 

Good Grief, YES!!!!! I've also had someone jerk away like we were lepers, after talking to my dm and me for an hour or more about her sil the peacher, once she heard our denomination. Family members have been accused of not being saved and going to h*** because we were the wrong denomination. And we don't belong to a sect or anything like that! We're mainstream protestants. I really pity the Catholics and non-Christians who get attacked by people like this.

[Joanne]

Several years I came up with my rule: When the pastor wont look me in the eyes or speak to me, it's time to move on. Really.

 

The pastors were in way over their head with my ex husband, who at the time was abusive and lying to them. They chose to believe dh and kept telling me that if I would submit and respect him and live to honor God, everything would work out. It didn't. Abuse continued and they didn't want to consider it. They didn't believe in emotional and verbal abuse, thought that was a made up deal or something, and they turned a blind eye to dh cruel nature. Anyway, I couldn't go there any more. I love several people who do go there and keep relationships with them, but it's not an issue any more since I don't even live in that state anymore. They also didn't believe in divorce at all... I would have lost my children if I didn't make dh leave! (yes, I could have just separated, but I can't tell you how blessed I am now to be free of that man)

 

I don't think I would leave a church because they didn't believe in divorce, but if they blindly watched a family suffer, I'd be out the door.

 

{{{Many BTDT hugs}}}

 

I personally *would* leave/never join a church that did "not believe in divorce". My experience with that doctrine is that the same groups fail to spend as much time supporting real, authentic, healthy and thriving marriages as they do talking about honoring a marriage that is a marriage on paper only.

[Retired]

tried to speak to the pastor to help resolve the situation. The wife then decided that I was spreading rumors or something. She called everyone asking them what I had said about her and etc. I just left. The church had some major problems. The pastor had since been fired. I was so burned with the experience. I am just now starting to look for a new church.

[Quiver0f10]

We are sadly in this position again. DH spoke with our pastor this week and we wont be going back. Choosing to leave was over doctrinal issues and also some things that just raised red flags for us. It's going to be hard on our very small church as we made up over 1/4 of the body, but we know we can't stay.

[Michelle in MO]

Good reasons:

 

 

1. You no longer hold the beliefs that the church teaches.

2. The church's teachings are unorthodox/false/heretical (by whatever definition applies in your situation).

3. There is a pattern of abuse (spiritual, physical, emotional) within the church and no accountability for it.

 

 

what Plaid Dad said almost to a "T"; the only other thing I would add (and this could be a spin-off from the third point) would be serious problems in the leadership that aren't being resolved.

 

It's not a good idea, in general, to leave because of personality issues with other members, because almost by definition the church isn't perfect. It is comprised of sinful people who have been saved through faith in Christ.

[Gwen in VA]

How about when to join a church?

 

 

Would you join a church if the sole plus is good doctrine? Or would you seek a church where you felt at home with the members as well?

 

Should there be some fellowship compatibility, or should we just be happy with the doctrine?

[mcconnellboys]

For the church we were in here, I had to come to terms with the fact that it was built to be a sort of one-stop-shopping, one-hour a week church. It was more of a club membership than a church. And those who volunteered within the church were considered much the same as the "hired help", because, of course, those who had money were much too busy and above helping. So they gave their money and the poor members gave their time - at least that seemed to be the mind set.

[Danestress]

I think you can in good conscience leave a church any time you believe that you would be happier and better fed spiritually somewhere else. I don't think you have to wait around for abuse or a major doctrinal issue. If you have gotten to where it's a major drag to go to church and want to try something else, pray about it. Maybe talk to your pastor about it. Pray some more.

 

But to me, we are all one church. You and I are already part of the same church - the one church of Jesus Christ. I think it's important to have the relationships and accountability of a regular body of believers, but there doesn't have to be something really "wrong" with your current church to want to try something else. When people have left my church, I have never worried that they are rejecting something, and when people join from a different church, I don't assume there was something terribly wrong with the church the came from.

 

 

HOnestly, my local church is a family to me. I love the people and have real friends, and I have had doctrinal issues at time and actually ignore them because I don't feel I have to agree with everything my pastor says or everything the church does. It's a family. I would have a very very hard time leaving, and I don't mean to take lightly what it means to belong to a body of believers.

 

 

But I also believe that people sometimes just need a change - there is nothing wrong with that.

[Laurie4b]

Good reasons to leave:

 

The doctrine/theology changes

The church leadership becomes controlling/abusive or is legalistic or is largely ego-driven (or you discover that it is)

You live too far away to really be involved in the community

The church is "lukewarm"

You are called to a new church plant

 

 

Bad reasons to leave:

 

You don't like the music: It's not about you; it's for God. People assign all kinds of theological significance to different kinds of music, but I think at core, "taste or preference or tradition" is more of the issue than people generally admit.

 

You're not "getting fed" which usually means that the preacher is not preaching in a way that you prefer. Unless you are a new believer and need "milk", the mature are supposed to eat "meat." Once you're old enough to eat meat, you're old enough to cut it yourself. I think too many people starve themselves all week, then go into church expecting for that to be made up for, or to get a spiritual high off the music or sermon. If the preacher is offering "milk" (which the new babies need) then they complain. If "not being fed" means that the word of God is not being preached, that is another matter.

 

You're in a "huff" over something.

 

"Nobody notices me and wouldn't care if I were there or not" . Take the initiative to care about others.

[Laurie4b]

Joining a church is kind of like getting married. Not that you have to join for life (people move,etc.) but that it should be a long-term commitment, broken only by very serious matters. If I were looking for a new church, both doctrine and church culture would be important to me. Church culture would include things such as whether the church was all one race or whether there was diversity, how much community there is, what the leadership style is, etc. I think it's a package deal.

[Melinda in VT]

I find the range of opinions fascinating.

 

I was raised in a denomination that assigned you a congregation based on geography. You only changed congregations if you moved or if they redrew the boundaries. Then I came to have deep theological issues with the denomination. However, I had so deeply absorbed the idea that the denomination was the best one out there, that I considered staying in the denomination even despite the issues. But I thought I should try out some other churches first, just to see.

 

Wow. I didn't know what I was missing.

 

I have a new appreciation for how different styles of worship meet the needs of different people. And I respect the fact that there are different stages of one's spiritual journey and that different churches may meet your needs at different stages.

 

I wouldn't leave a church lightly. (In fact, other than leaving the denomination in which I was raised, I have still only left a church because I've moved.) But I do think it can be the right decision to leave a church because you need something different. If you dread church every Sunday, if you feel trapped, leave.

 

Now, when it comes to choosing a new church, I think you can be as picky as you want. Take your time. For me, church is both a community to serve and serve with and a place of worship. I look at the people and I look at the worship service. (Architecture, ritual, music, theology all come into play here.) There is no rush to commit to something until you feel sure.

[Gamom3]

We had been attending for 3yrs. Oldest ds and I started having a strange feeling when we would attend..don't know why! I spoke to ds about how he felt about the church..not telling him my feelings and he pretty much had the same feelings!

 

We left and NO one from the church contacted us..I even attended the pastor's wife Sunday school class on a regular basis!!

 

We were really good friends with the church secretary..who did not attended the church. Some how we got to talking about things and she asked if anyone had contacted us about leaving, I told her no. She said that somethings were going on that she could not and would not discuss.

I now know that we made the right decision about leaving.

[Gwen in VA]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and insights.

 

My dh and I just need to chew on this a bit.....but your ideas will help provide some fodder to chew on!

[Heather in Neverland]

I refuse to go any longer to the church our family has been attending for three-and-a-half years. Not only do I have a serious problem with extreme Reformed Theology, but I can't bear to hear the church leaders bash other churches CONSTANTLY, EVERY WEEK. It seems no other church can do anything right except Reformed Baptists. Catholics, megachurches, youth groups, ANYONE non-Reformed...we're constantly told how heretical they all are. (No flames or debate, please.) I realize that some groups and some doctrines aren't as "pure" as they should be, but if they're preaching the plan of salvation correctly I don't have a serious problem with them.

 

Oh, and by the way, they don't believe in the Great Commission at that church. They had a "distinguished" guest speaker come in and tell us that Christ wasn't speaking to the Church, he was speaking only to his apostles. Therefore, it doesn't apply to us. We don't have to worry about witnessing for the Lord because it's not our responsibility (yeah, right).

 

The ladies in the church have contacted me and let me know that they believe I'm probably not "chosen" after all, but I feel more happiness in the Lord away from that church.

 

Wow, did you go to my old church? That's why we left too!!

[Jenn in Mo]

When God says go. We've been in a church situation that left us feeling discouraged daily. I left the church parking lot in tears nearly every Sunday. But we drew very close to God during that time. Our eyes were opened to many shortcomings that needed some growing-up. And God just hadn't released us yet. There was no feeling of peace in leaving. Then one day, there just was. It was just there. An "aaaahhhh" sigh of relief and the door was open. Nothing happened or changed to make things feel different. If anything, we were adjusting and doing much better. But the peace was there and we obeyed.

 

I'm just sharing my story to say that I don't think our circumstances really come into play much in this scenario. What is God telling you to do? It doesn't matter what friends or family have to say or advise - God's got the big plan in action and knows where you are in your situation. He has a plan for you. Do you feel the peace of being in His will with your decision?

 

I'm praying for you!

[mommaduck]

Doctrinal issues that won't resolve and abuse.

[mommaduck]

I refuse to go any longer to the church our family has been attending for three-and-a-half years. Not only do I have a serious problem with extreme Reformed Theology, but I can't bear to hear the church leaders bash other churches CONSTANTLY, EVERY WEEK. It seems no other church can do anything right except Reformed Baptists. Catholics, megachurches, youth groups, ANYONE non-Reformed...we're constantly told how heretical they all are. (No flames or debate, please.) I realize that some groups and some doctrines aren't as "pure" as they should be, but if they're preaching the plan of salvation correctly I don't have a serious problem with them.

 

Oh, and by the way, they don't believe in the Great Commission at that church. They had a "distinguished" guest speaker come in and tell us that Christ wasn't speaking to the Church, he was speaking only to his apostles. Therefore, it doesn't apply to us. We don't have to worry about witnessing for the Lord because it's not our responsibility (yeah, right).

 

The ladies in the church have contacted me and let me know that they believe I'm probably not "chosen" after all, but I feel more happiness in the Lord away from that church.

As a person of the Reformed faith, I can only say that I'm embarrassed. Sounds like hyper calvinism to me...not your run of the mill Reformed.

 

 

GKGW, Pearl's, and Gothard...those would be deal breakers.

[*LC]

. Can you imagine a pastor's wife not attending the church her husband preaches at??? Oh, the shame! :lol:

 

Oh, I hope not everone sees it that way. My daughter's best friend's dad is in seminary. He has just been named minister of a very small church in the next town over. It has a very old congregation; there is no youth group for my daughter's friend and her older sibling, both young teens. The family will remain at our church even though the dad is the minister of the other church. (They will move to the parsonage once their house sells.) He was never the minister of our church. They have been members for more than 10 years, and he felt the call to seminary/ministry about five years ago. His new church is excited, because he wants to stay even after he finishes seminary. They have only had student ministers for a long time.

 

Also, I have another friend at church, who never attends the church where her husband is the minister anymore. She is busy on Sunday as the minister of our church. She also went to seminary at 50.

 

So, never say never.

 

LC

 

P.S. Good luck with the new apointment.

[Julpost]

Several years I came up with my rule: When the pastor wont look me in the eyes or speak to me, it's time to move on. Really.

 

.

 

My pastor doesn't really speak to us. He has said (to a friend of mine) not to expect to talk to him on Sundays because he's focusing on the visitors. On the one hand, I think that's a good thing because I know it's important to introduce yourself and welcome visitors. But on the other hand, I haven't had much of any conversation w/ this man and almost feel like he doesn't like us. Sounds paranoid, I know, but I used to feel so uncomfortable around him, sometimes I still do. It's weird.

[Julpost]

When God says go. We've been in a church situation that left us feeling discouraged daily. I left the church parking lot in tears nearly every Sunday. But we drew very close to God during that time. Our eyes were opened to many shortcomings that needed some growing-up. And God just hadn't released us yet. There was no feeling of peace in leaving. Then one day, there just was. It was just there. An "aaaahhhh" sigh of relief and the door was open. Nothing happened or changed to make things feel different. If anything, we were adjusting and doing much better. But the peace was there and we obeyed.

 

I'm just sharing my story to say that I don't think our circumstances really come into play much in this scenario. What is God telling you to do? It doesn't matter what friends or family have to say or advise - God's got the big plan in action and knows where you are in your situation. He has a plan for you. Do you feel the peace of being in His will with your decision?

 

I'm praying for you!

 

:iagree: