Do you ever feel like reality is so different than what you're told? (parenting)

[Nestof3]

This is more of a pondering, rhetorical question. I don't really have a huge point to make or a question. I just hear in my head warnings I've heard from people and read in books regarding parenting. Most of what I hear people say sounds like they just got it from a book and not experience because their children are still so young. Sometimes it seems like fear-mongering to me.

 

I feel like for so many of these warnings, I can come up with several people who are examples that prove the warning but several that defy it.

 

Some days I just want to say forget the "authorities" -- I'm just going to do my best according to ___________________ (could be me, God, whatever).

 

For example, "Give them work as punishment, and they'll grow up to hate it."

 

If you don't make them clean up after themselves as children, they'll be slobs as adults. Is that true? Is the converse true? If you teach them to clean up after themselves, they'll be neat as a pin?

 

If you let them be picky eaters as children, they'll never grow out of it.

 

If they have a lot of toys, they'll be spoiled for life.

 

If they don't say "Yes, sir" they'll be disrespectful."

 

If they don't obey their parents, they'll never be able to obey God. Or my most recent favorite, "If the girls don't learn to obey their parents, they'll never be able to submit to a husband."

 

Again, I'm not really clear on the purpose of this post other than to say this stuff swirls through my mind lately. I think more than anything, I am tired of being lectured on _____________________ will lead to ____________________ by people who don't even have any grown children.

 

I remember I was the parenting expert until I had children. :lol:

[Jennifer3141]

I think for the most part, there are way too many "experts" out there. Both book-wise (what exactly makes the people who write these parenting books "experts?" Do they have "excellent" children? How are we measuring that excecllence??) and real-life wise.

 

My favorite parenting advice EVER came from this dork guy who has no kids and never WILL have kids. He is the most mal-adjusted socially inept person I've ever known and he loves to go on an on about how homeschooling kids ALWAYS leads to socialization problems.

 

So after being lectured ad naseum about it one day, I finally let loose a, "So how long were you homeschooled???"

 

It took about 5 minutes to sink in for him and I still don't think he really gets it. :D But boy oh boy, he's an "expert" on all things related to kids. Breastfeeding too... :glare:

 

If something happens to the Earth and we all have to take a space shuttle to Mars and there's not enough room for everyone - we should leave behind the "experts" in a lot of fields. And most of the politcians. And most of the lawyers. And Casey Anthony and her family. That is all.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[Tess in the Burbs]

interesting....

 

well, I hated being forced to make my bed as a child. So I never make my bed now unless I know someone will be walking through the house.

 

I don't make my kids make their beds ever.

 

My dd however loves to make her bed. And other beds in the house :tongue_smilie:

 

So in our case...not making them do it, not forcing them to do it has only created a child who WANTS to do it :001_huh::lol::D

 

Works for me!

 

on the serious note of your post....yes, I love the parents who tell me their baby won't be loud like my 9 year old, their baby won't ever roll their eyes like my 8 year old, and their baby doesn't need discipline b/c they are oh so good.

 

yeah, my ds was a wonderful baby/early toddler. Then his sister was born and life has never been the same! Ignore the advice from the young parents. Come up with a reply about experience outweighing any book knowledge. I too thought older kids were crazy(like 8-10 year olds) and now I have those ages and I realize they just have exuberance for life and don't see the 1 year olds on the playground as they run past full speed :glare: We all knew more when the kids were young. Then we watched our children grow up too fast and we became much wiser :)

[missmoe]

I was one of those experts!

 

Now I have five kids!

 

I really don't think there is one pat answer that will work. Each kid is different. Every family has different dynamics.

 

As someone who has studied child development and psychology, I have lots of information in my head but what I really depend on is prayer. I pray to know how to deal with each child and sometimes each situation. Our Heavenly Father doesn't deal with each of us one way. We are all given different experiences and opportunities to grow. So I try to do the same with my children.

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, most of it is bla. bla. bla. to me. However, after having let back in my approach a few years, then I am back in the general-mode kind of parenting. I have seen a lot of laid back results of relaxed parenting and it is just not me.

 

Everyone has to figure their way out without alienating the kids too much. Hopefully as teens they can be pals and move forward into adulthood. In the meantime, my kids have to do their chores, look after their siblings, not talk back, explore new things in life and not sit glued to a screen etc. It seems to have broadened their horizons and made them into caring people (I tend to get comments on my older kids every now and then).

 

But it's a lot of work.

[Cassy]

Usually I listen to most advice, then I research it some more if it's an important issue for my family. After that I observe my children closely, talk them, and then follow my instinct. I'm sure some of the advice is true for some children, some of the time, but only I know my children, only I can see where they've been and follow where they seem to be going.

 

Cassy

[Nestof3]

Tess, I hate to pick on you, but you just made ones of those statements of "I hate to make my bed because I was forced to make my bed." What IF you would hate to make your bed regardless of your mom's policy on bed-making. What if our level of neatness, etc. is just innate? That's why I mentioned the anecdotal evidence.

 

My mom never really made us do anything except an occasional chore. I cannot imagine a day going by that I don't make my bed. And, my policy is that until you are old enough to pay rent on your room and my house, you will keep my house as I like it -- clean and beds made.

 

But, I've always been a neat freak and organizational person. I used to dust my parents' furniture for fun. I still feel the need to organize something when I visit my parents. My mom was always clean but not organized enough for my taste. My parents did not train me to make me the way I am, and I wasn't responding to the way they were. I truly believe this is just part of who I am along with the auburn hair and fair skin.

 

My brother, on the other hand, was a slob. He's not as bad now, but they have a huge house that has almost four times the space we have. It's no where near as organized as mine, and I am quite certain he doesn't make his bed.

 

More anecdotal info. My dad and uncle came from the same family. My dad eats anything; my uncle is very picky. I was a very picky child -- no casseroles, no vegetable soup, no lasagna, very few vegetables, no mustard. I'll eat anything except what I consider gross meat products (scrapple, etc.) and raw onions.

 

More. I loved school growing up, but I watched hours of television a day. I have always been passionate about learning. I am crazy passionate about it now.

 

My brother skipped school to surf, never lived up to his potential when younger, but he eventually earned his masters. He is now moving to the UK for the bank he works for, and not only is he getting an increase in salary, but he is receiving $8,000 a month housing allowance and $100,000 private school credit for his two children to attend a private preschool (2 and 4 years old).

 

I'm not saying that a parent should make no rules. I am just wondering aloud about these if-then statements I hear and read.

 

I meet people and families who are so calm I almost feel the need to check for a pulse, and then there is our family -- full of passionate people who feel deeply and wear our hearts on our sleeves. I'm just wondering aloud on why those things are the case.

 

I read, for example, a person say that her child never said "I hate" because "we just don't say those things." My parents never said those things, but I used to say it to my mom. Is this one of those maxims -- your children will not do something if your family does not do it?" Again, I am not advocating saying "I hate" around the house, I'm just wondering aloud about how it all fits together.

 

interesting....

 

well, I hated being forced to make my bed as a child. So I never make my bed now unless I know someone will be walking through the house.

 

I don't make my kids make their beds ever.

 

My dd however loves to make her bed. And other beds in the house :tongue_smilie:

 

So in our case...not making them do it, not forcing them to do it has only created a child who WANTS to do it :001_huh::lol::D

 

Works for me!

 

on the serious note of your post....yes, I love the parents who tell me their baby won't be loud like my 9 year old, their baby won't ever roll their eyes like my 8 year old, and their baby doesn't need discipline b/c they are oh so good.

 

yeah, my ds was a wonderful baby/early toddler. Then his sister was born and life has never been the same! Ignore the advice from the young parents. Come up with a reply about experience outweighing any book knowledge. I too thought older kids were crazy(like 8-10 year olds) and now I have those ages and I realize they just have exuberance for life and don't see the 1 year olds on the playground as they run past full speed :glare: We all knew more when the kids were young. Then we watched our children grow up too fast and we became much wiser :)

Edited October 3, 2011 by nestof3

[Crimson Wife]

I too thought older kids were crazy(like 8-10 year olds) and now I have those ages and I realize they just have exuberance for life and don't see the 1 year olds on the playground as they run past full speed :glare:

 

Sorry, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with that statement. If you had said "5-6 year olds" then I would agree with you, but by 8-10 they ought to know better than to run wild on the playground knocking little ones down. "Exuberance" and "spiritedness" is no excuse for acting like a hellion.

[Onceuponatime]

I do think everyone has his own personality that carries on through life, no matter what. I also think that parenting does affect a child somehow, someway, but it's not always easy to predict how that will look when the child is 30 yo and has hopefully grown into himself.

 

At 46, after 5 children, and one grandchild, I think I can safely say that parenting out of fear or guilt usually doesn't produce the sought after results. That is the way I parented for about 18 years.

[Carol in Cal.]

To the OP: The key is to read more widely. All those scarey 'if-then' books are negated by the AP books. If you read both, you have to find your own path through them, but also you get to hear other POV. And in general, the POV that doesn't trigger my innate control freak panic is usually the healthier one for me. That's why I chose, very consciously, to head in the AP direction. For the most part it has worked out quite well so far.

[MamaT]

I have come to the conclusion that going with my gut on each situation seems to work out best. What works for one kid may not work for the next one. Lots and lots of love and prayer, and being consistent and unemotional about discipline. I learned a long time ago to ignore the "experts."

[MrsBasil]

I have no idea. I was the pickiest child and my dad was extremely picky as a kid. He got leftovers from dinner he refused to eat served cold as breakfast or lunch until he ate.

 

My parents told me to try one bite, not whine about it, and make myself a PBJ if didn't like it. Basically be pleasant and find an alternative.

 

I'm now way less picky than my dad, but if that's because of what my parents did or just the way life works out I have no idea.

 

I grew up in an extremely clean, organized home and never had to lift a finger to get it that way. My mom did it all. My house is much more cluttered and messy. I don't vacuum or dust as often as she did. She now says if she had to do it over again she'd spend more time with her kids.

 

Her mom was more like me in that regards. So am I reacting to the way I was raised, is it genetic, or is it just me?

 

Again, no idea. I try to ignore experts and do what works for my family, my situation, and me at any given time. I've pondered the same things you posted about and have no answers. :tongue_smilie:

[Tammyla]

There are no guarantees in parenting, is the one thing I've learned.

 

Each family is different, and even kids in the same family turn out differently.

 

 

I've also noticed people who (fail in their own minds or maybe mine) are very often aggressive, confident and critical giving advice.

[Impish]

I think so much of parenting is fumbling around in the dark.

 

Sometimes, you have a flashlight...other times, a lantern...a candle...a match...or nothing.

 

You do the best you can with what you have, and pray for the best. The lights don't kick on until the child reaches adulthood and has kids of their own, and then you can really see how your parenting was.

 

Or not.

 

You can do all the 'right' things, and not have things turn out. Or screw up mightily and repeatedly, and have everything be fine.

 

Its a crapshoot, and all we can do is our best.

[Happy]

My sons are grown. I've experienced the parenting wars first hand. ;)

 

I don't really know what to say. I'm deeply discouraged by my sons. If I could go back and re-do some things, I would. I'd be **tougher** on them...keeping their rooms neat, no picky eating, few, if any electronics. Read more, WORK a lot more. Tougher academics, including sending them to public or private school during high school. We'd never move from the farm to the big city. I'm an artistic type who loves flexibility and spontanaity (sp, sorry)...I think they needed much, much, much more structure.

 

BUT...

 

and this is a big but...I'm not sure it would have made a lick of difference. My boys were adopted as infants and raised as lovingly as we knew how...but they are different from us in deeply fundamental ways. I'm not sure anything I did or said (differently or not) would have made a difference. (It's a discouraging morning here and I know that's coloring my thoughts...)

 

You do the absolute best you know how, pray if you are a person of prayer, and guide at every opportunity. And hope the kiddoes make good friends and wise decisions.

[Carrie-txmama2six]

Tess, I hate to pick on you, but you just made ones of those statements of "I hate to make my bed because I was forced to make my bed." What IF you would hate to make your bed regardless of your mom's policy on bed-making. What if our level of neatness, etc. is just innate? That's why I mentioned the anecdotal evidence.

 

My mom never really made us do anything except an occasional chore. I cannot imagine a day going by that I don't make my bed. And, my policy is that until you are old enough to pay rent on your room and my house, you will keep my house as I like it -- clean and beds made.

 

But, I've always been a neat freak and organizational person. I used to dust my parents' furniture for fun. I still feel the need to organize something when I visit my parents. My mom was always clean but not organized enough for my taste. My parents did not train me to make me the way I am, and I wasn't responding to the way they were. I truly believe this is just part of who I am along with the auburn hair and fair skin.

 

My brother, on the other hand, was a slob. He's not as bad now, but they have a huge house that has almost four times the space we have. It's no where near as organized as mine, and I am quite certain he doesn't make his bed.

 

More anecdotal info. My dad and uncle came from the same family. My dad eats anything; my uncle is very picky. I was a very picky child -- no casseroles, no vegetable soup, no lasagna, very few vegetables, no mustard. I'll eat anything except what I consider gross meat products (scrapple, etc.) and raw onions.

 

More. I loved school growing up, but I watched hours of television a day. I have always been passionate about learning. I am crazy passionate about it now.

 

My brother skipped school to surf, never lived up to his potential when younger, but he eventually earned his masters. He is now moving to the UK for the bank he works for, and not only is he getting an increase in salary, but he is receiving $8,000 a month housing allowance and $100,000 private school credit for his two children to attend a private preschool (2 and 4 years old).

 

I'm not saying that a parent should make no rules. I am just wondering aloud about these if-then statements I hear and read.

 

I meet people and families who are so calm I almost feel the need to check for a pulse, and then there is our family -- full of passionate people who feel deeply and wear our hearts on our sleeves. I'm just wondering aloud on why those things are the case.

 

I read, for example, a person say that her child never said "I hate" because "we just don't say those things." My parents never said those things, but I used to say it to my mom. Is this one of those maxims -- your children will not do something if your family does not do it?" Again, I am not advocating saying "I hate" around the house, I'm just wondering aloud about how it all fits together.

 

My sister and I were just having this conversation yesterday. I think so much is just in us, and I also think birth order matters. I was the youngest and I was 'expected' to not be able to do much and for a long time I lived up to that. I now have six children and after spending lots of time with my sister and wanting her approval I am more like her than ever before. Hmmm...I think now I am confusing myself and not making a point..:confused:

[twoforjoy]

I think we assume that there's way too much of a straight, direct line from childhood behaviors to adult ones. Development and maturity don't get taken into consideration.

 

I never had to do chores as a child. Never. My mother wasn't so much permissive/lax as she was OCD about housecleaning. She didn't want anybody else putting things away because we wouldn't do it just right, and she'd end up redoing it anyway. I never washed dishes, did laundry, vacuumed, or do other basic chores until I was on my own.

 

I'm not a slob. If anything, I have a bit of my mom's neurosis about needing things to be very orderly. I picked up housecleaning pretty quickly, and while it's not my favorite thing to do, I'm pretty good, I think, at keeping a relatively neat and tidy home, and can do so pretty efficiently.

 

I was a super, super, super picky eater as a kid. You could have had a very short list of foods I would eat. As an adult, I'm not at all. I have a couple of things things I just absolutely cannot stand--pickles, uncooked tomatoes--and will not eat under any circumstances, but otherwise I'll try (and usually enjoy) almost anything.

 

I've said before on here, the amount of stress I created for myself when my first was little, because I assumed that if I didn't immediately get a behavior or attitude under control he'd carry it with him straight into adulthood, was pretty intense and sucked most of the joy out of my parenting. If I could do it over, I'd have eased up a lot, worried a lot less, and recognized that 90% of the stuff he was doing that I was concerned about was developmentally-normal-albeit-aggravating stuff that he'd grow out of whether I did anything or not. That's not to say I wouldn't have done anything about that 90%, just that I'd have made those decisions aware that my action or inaction in that instance weren't going to be setting the course for the rest of his life.

Edited October 3, 2011 by twoforjoy

[ElizaG]

To the OP: The key is to read more widely. All those scarey 'if-then' books are negated by the AP books. If you read both, you have to find your own path through them, but also you get to hear other POV. And in general, the POV that doesn't trigger my innate control freak panic is usually the healthier one for me. That's why I chose, very consciously, to head in the AP direction. For the most part it has worked out quite well so far.

Ditto for us, except the other way around. ;) When ours were little, I read a bunch of books and web sites that pretty much said that "if" you don't do AP, "then" they will grow up become emotionally unhealthy, drug addicts, Nazi collaborators, etc. This is one of the more alarmist ones, though perhaps too ludicrous to be taken seriously:

 

http://www.empathicparenting.org/course/ (see e.g. this page and the one following)

 

So I ended up taking their claims with a vat of salt, and finding the balance that made sense to us. When it comes to actual practices, though, we're not that different from many parents we know who'd self-identify as AP. This reminds me very much of another recent thread about formal vs. relaxed schooling. Parents often seem to define themselves in terms of what sort of extreme advice they're reacting against most strongly.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Eleanor

[Garga]

So odd that you post this. I was thinking The Exact Same Thing as the OP yesterday.

 

I'm so tired of the "formulas." If you do x, your child will do y. And I'm tired of them because they so often don't work, or you can find 2 formulas that are opposites...so which do you pick? And so often, the formulas rely on fear as the motivating factor.

 

I was thinking to myself, yesterday, that raising children is much more delicate that most people like to believe. And most people don't like to believe it, because then it's harder. You sort of have to make it up as you go, since each kid is so different.

[twoforjoy]

Ditto for us, except the other way around. ;) When ours were little, I read a bunch of books and web sites that pretty much said that "if" you don't do AP, "then" they will grow up become emotionally unhealthy, drug addicts, Nazi collaborators, etc.

 

Oh my goodness, this was exactly my experience with AP literature, and I have never met anybody else who felt that way!

 

Everybody I know is like, "What? No, all AP stuff is just 'take it or leave it.'" Not the stuff I read. The stuff I read made it pretty clear that I'd raise a selfish monster incapable of empathy or human connection if I didn't identify and immediately attend to my child's every need.

[Joanne]

I don't believe that parenting is formulaic, prescriptive, or predictive. You can't assume that if you do "X, Y, Z", you'll have an addict or if you don't do "A, B, C", you'll have a good, productive citizen.

 

Human behavior and development is way to nuanced and complex for that.

 

That said, I value researched experts and their information. I think that information on development, learning, memory, token economies, and research into parenting outcomes can be a helpful tool and is necessary.

 

I'm able to evaluate the source for my comfort level of credibility, and I am able to decide if "that works" for my family, or for a child within my family.

 

I work with kids (mostly teens) in a variety of settings now. I can tell you there is nothing that is linear about "good kids" and "troubled kids".

[ondreeuh]

Yes. And what I thought I had figured out from one kid doesn't work on the rest.

 

I have always been a very huggy, talk-about-our-feelings parent. If my kiddo is mad, I empathize and try to reframe it. I allow a lot of activity and noise because I assume that's normal, boy behavior. This is the message I got from all of my peers, especially since I have a boy with ADHD and there's such a backlash. A lot of people say we are just expecting too much from young boys. When I discipline, I raise my voice and sound severe to get my point across because I was told that's how you put yourself in charge.

 

Well that has all come back to bite me now that my youngest is in pre-k and he is the wildest of the bunch. He's both physically active & intimidating, and also yells a lot. I dismissed my older son's behavior as ADHD and "just how he's wired" but now I see how it's a reaction to my parenting. It's not that I let him yell a lot at home (especially out of anger), but he gets very easily frustrated at school and yelling is how he expresses it. If I didn't raise my voice, maybe he wouldn't raise his. And not to be too snobby about, but a couple of the kids have families who are very, um, distracted from the task of child-raising and is it very humbling to see that those kids are better behaved. The culture here is a bit different - being quiet is valued, and I see that in the way parents interact with their kids and what they expect from their kids. My son looks like a savage, and it's embarrassing.

 

I am now disciplining with a much quieter tone, and am being pickier about the level of bounciness and noise I allow. What I took for granted as normal and not worth squashing has changed.

Edited October 3, 2011 by ondreeuh

[Colleen in NS]

I remember I was the parenting expert until I had children. :lol:

 

What if our level of neatness, etc. is just innate?

 

I am just wondering aloud about these if-then statements I hear and read.

 

Those "if-then" statements are just so logical, aren't they. Neat and tidy, make perfect sense to us, make us think that if we follow them, things will turn out just fine. Logic is very useful, but it can't make everything messy in life suddenly conform to neatness.

 

I am pretty much done with reading parenting books, because I got so tired of feeling guilty when things weren't going perfectly the way the books said they should. Now, I have gleaned some helpful things from some parenting books, but I also have to live my very real and in-my-face life with my very real (and wonderful) children. It can be messy at times.

 

I like what Carol in Cal. said about reading widely - I'd add reading widely in other areas besides parenting, because we can learn so much about REAL human behaviour through reading not just "how-to" manuals.

 

I too thought older kids were crazy(like 8-10 year olds) and now I have those ages and I realize they just have exuberance for life and don't see the 1 year olds on the playground as they run past full speed :glare:

 

Sorry, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with that statement. If you had said "5-6 year olds" then I would agree with you, but by 8-10 they ought to know better than to run wild on the playground knocking little ones down. "Exuberance" and "spiritedness" is no excuse for acting like a hellion.

 

Is your oldest an 8yo girl? If so, you might want to have a look at Tess's signature. There can be a world of difference between an 8yog and a 9yob. The part I bolded seems to be part of what nestof3 originally started talking about in this thread.

 

Tess's use of the :glare: glare smilie tells me that she doesn't let her kids act like hellions on purpose - I suspect she probably gives them a standard motherly lecture after she catches them. :lol:

[KidsHappen]

The problem is that each child is an individual. They are who they are and regardless of how you have raised them, you can't go back and do it again to see if a different way would have made a difference. I have six kids. I raised them all pretty much the same. They are all definitely individuals. They are who they are and nothing I did made any difference. They all (and most of them are getting older now) seem to like, love and respect me so I guess I did a good enough job. :001_smile:

[eternalknot]

There have always been self-professed experts ... and people of a mind to share their opinions (!) ... it just seems that once upon a time these experts were known to us whereas now they are marketed to us on a mass level.

 

This is one interesting change brought upon by the evolution of social norms regarding the family -particularly the extended family- in terms of proximity, size, and priority. I'm amazed that some women my age hadn't ever been around children until they had their own; that their own children were the first they may have held, fed, changed, or interacted with for any length of time. These same women live hundreds or thousands of miles from their biological support systems (maybe by choice, maybe not) and have nowhere BUT self-professed experts to turn to.

 

It can be hard to seek advice or support for mothering, especially in the early days and especially with the earlier children. We're made to feel it's all innate, and that we're biologically hard-wired to "know" how and what to do. That's not always true. Who does this woman turn to? The self-professed, mass-marketed expert. Who else could she turn to? It's likely to be nobody, at least from where she's sitting/feeling. There is no judgment in a book, after all, or costs associated with a therapist.

 

I think the breakdown of the extended family has done a severe disservice to the more recent generations of mothers. So many things factor/ed in to that breakdown (politics, social change, economics, even independent and overwhelming dysfunction within some families) and have permeated Western social culture. So now we have women who grow up unfamiliar with, then find themselves unsupported in, this whole parenting thing. They create or believe perpetuated realities, then fall hard when their own realities don't match up. It's unfortunate, not so much that it happens but that it's the new norm. It's like being set up for an emotional fall :(

[Nestof3]

Tess's use of the :glare: glare smilie tells me that she doesn't let her kids act like hellions on purpose - I suspect she probably gives them a standard motherly lecture after she catches them. :lol:

 

From all that I've seen in real life, Tess is a great mom!

[Nestof3]

I do continue to read books, particularly about spirited or easily overwhelmed kids. I am also considering seeking counseling/evaulation for my middle son -- actually both of my younger ones. I'm more talking about things like personality traits, habits, etc. -- not really moral issues.

 

I had a mom once tell me that she is surprised that boys yell when they play. Her boys just didn't do that -- she wouldn't allow it if they did. I am just left wondering how much of this is innate.

 

What makes some children very creative or musical and others more -- well -- not creative or musical? Is it the same thing that makes some people neat freaks and others very slack about the whole thing?

 

Sure, there has to be a nurturing element -- helping a child be better at cleaning or organizing or helping provide resources for a creative outlet.

 

Why are some people content driving slowly while I just want to fly past them? Why are some people very concerned with being punctual? Why do some people procrastinate so much?

 

I'm just wondering about the whole innate thing and it comes up when I hear someone say they are a certain way because their parents made them do such and such or because they weren't made to do it. I had a guy tell me once that he loves rock music because his parents never let him listen to it. Gee -- there are lots of people who love rock music and were permitted to listen to it.

 

Why do we feel the need to create so many if-thens? Yes, I am sure I'm babbling.

 

I don't believe that parenting is formulaic, prescriptive, or predictive. You can't assume that if you do "X, Y, Z", you'll have an addict or if you don't do "A, B, C", you'll have a good, productive citizen.

 

Human behavior and development is way to nuanced and complex for that.

 

That said, I value researched experts and their information. I think that information on development, learning, memory, token economies, and research into parenting outcomes can be a helpful tool and is necessary.

 

I'm able to evaluate the source for my comfort level of credibility, and I am able to decide if "that works" for my family, or for a child within my family.

 

I work with kids (mostly teens) in a variety of settings now. I can tell you there is nothing that is linear about "good kids" and "troubled kids".

[wuttadeal]

My oldest ds just graduated hs and started Bible college this fall. He is a very strong willed and determined individual and frankly there were times when he was younger when I never thought we'd get to this point. Over the years, we had several well-meaning, and plain judgemental friends offer parenting advice or just choose not to let their kids play with mine b/c they didn't approve of the way we were raising him (usually b/c we didn't follow the __________'s formula). All along, dh and I just did what we thought was best with the child God had given us! He grew into an awesome teen and an amazing young man. We are so proud of him.

 

If someone asked, I'd be glad to share our experience. But you know what? I couldn't tell anyone that if they did what we did, their dc would turn out the same way. Plus, if I told them what we did, it would have to include all the mistakes and failures along the way :tongue_smilie:

 

If it all boiled down to an if/then formula, we wouldn't be on this board muddling through it all together :)

 

Diana in OR

Long time WTMr

ds18 in college in Beautiful BC

ds15, ps

[angela in ohio]

I don't take parenting advice from anyone unless they:

(1.) have two or more dc,

(2.) have at least one dc who is over 18, and

(3.) I have met their dc.

 

That limits the advice I get. :D Of course, I mostly just don't listen to anyone's advice. If I did, we wouldn't have had the results we have had, and I would be sorry. We are usually doing the opposite of what everyone else around us is doing, so I've learned to shut it all out. :001_smile:

 

I think so much advice and so many of the books just worry about the externals. It gives people something easy to *do* and check off with a satisfied feeling of confidence. Really, though, it's about the relationship you have with the child, the example you set, and the consistency (and lack of hypocrisy) you have. Unfortunately, that is a nuanced skill set, depends on the personality of both the child and parent, and doesn't make a very satisfying book. It's also hard work; it's much easier to buy the book and follow the "directions."