MIL coming...advice appreciated.

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

Especically regarding boundaries. Last visit, a year and a half ago, I attempted to do an art lesson with my older children in the dining room. I am not planning on teaching them advanved stuff and admit my inadequacy there, but they we/are young! She was visibly upset anxd stormed to her bedroom, came back to the lr in a huff, and audibly mocked me throughout the lesson. Now I knew that she wasn't terribly supportive of homeschooling, but I had no idea of the extent of her disapproval. I was literally shaking, and felt liked someone had phyically punched me in the stomach. I have learned since then from answers to a previous thread to not hs with her around. :tongue_smilie: But, even though she has stated a few times to dh over the phone that she will let the hs thing rest (we never called her on the above incident, but there have been other thingz said since then that we have...well dh has as I have only conviently talked to her once sice then), I am anticipating prying/'concern' and maybe the children getting 'tested' by her. Actually, I am a nervous wreck and feel sick to my stomach about it! Although I love to talk about homeschooling and curriculum, I don't feel this is something I can safely discuss with her. For one, She is very much better early than late (my sil is a vocal preschool teacher) and we are more relaxed in the early years...enough said? I guess I'm asking for advice on how to pass the bean dip if and when it comes up. I actually decided to ask this tonight because I didnt think I could sleep as im so dreading the conflict, but jhst typing this out made me feel more in control of and optimistic about it all. Thanks for listening.

[Veritaserum]

I'm working on setting boundaries with my MIL. What I've learned is that I need to say what the expected behavior is and repeat if she "doesn't hear me" or keeps acting inappropriately.

 

If your MIL starts testing the kids:

 

"Thank you for your interest in their education, but it's not appropriate for you to quiz them like that. Please stop." Or, "They would love to tell you some of the things they've been learning, but testing them is not appropriate and it needs to stop now."

 

If she starts saying negative things about homeschooling:

 

"I understand that you have concerns about the way we have chosen to educate our children. As their parents, we have decided that this is what's best for them. If you choose to continue speaking negatively about homeschooling with us or the kids, we will have to ask you to leave."

 

I wish my dh would step in and be more of an intermediary, but I'm the one who has to do it because he doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings. Is your dh the same way? It makes it more difficult.

:grouphug:

[Cassy]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can empathise.

 

I spent the first 12 years of my marriage trying to gain my MIL's acceptance and approval, and being left time and again feeling humiliated, disapproved of, angry and depressed. Having got to a very low point I decided I no longer cared what she thought of me, rejected a lot of the ILs family values that I realised were quite contrary to those values that had always been important to me, and felt wonderfully liberated.

 

It has been only recently that I've come to realise what a lot of power I gave her early in my marriage to impose her standards and values on me, and to make me feel like cr @p when I didn't live up to them.

 

These days I've developed a new confidence in myself. When she runs me down now, I simply ignore her and repeat my mantra that I am a strong, capable person, working incredibly hard to achieve the best life, the optimal opportunities, I can for my family; I can do no more.

 

Hope that helps. If nothing else, know that you're not alone facing such a tricky situation and feeling so horrible about it. You can pull through.

 

Best wishes :001_smile:

 

Cassy

[nono]

Especically regarding boundaries. Last visit, a year and a half ago, I attempted to do an art lesson with my older children in the dining room. I am not planning on teaching them advanved stuff and admit my inadequacy there, but they we/are young! She was visibly upset anxd stormed to her bedroom, came back to the lr in a huff, and audibly mocked me throughout the lesson.

 

 

:grouphug: Now a cantankerous sort like me would definitely do more art projects while she was there, but make her participate! And, make her follow the rules of the house, including no sassing of the teacher! :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, both my Mother and my MIL participate this way, and yes sometimes they sass me. But really, I care so little about either of their opinions that it has no deleterious effect on our visits. When one presses on a larger issue, I simply say, "Yes, I know you feel that way. I'm cool with that. I continue to think about it too. Who knows, maybe someday we'll agree!" And I smile. Because really, I'm opinionated as all get out too, so why should I get all bent that there are other opinionated women in my life?

 

I'm not saying snap your fingers and poof, you'll be ok with your MIL, but letting you know that not getting as bent by her is possible. (That doesn't mean at all that she won't get bent in return, but that's not your problem. If she goes off in a huff, isn't it a win/win anyways? :tongue_smilie:)

 

Oh, and I highly suggest Baileys in your coffee for the duration of her visit. :D

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I've always found a nice bottle of Merlot helps me deal with my MIL.:lol:

 

I was just about to turn 33 when I married dh, so I already had a pretty strong backbone and was used to taking care of my own problems, but MIL is such a nasty piece of work that it threw me off guard at first. Dh has always backed me up in dealing with his mother, so that helps, but after feeling humiliated and depressed the first year of our marriage, it finally dawned on me that the problems were entirely hers. Not mine. I really, truly don't care what ridiculous things she says anymore. I just smile and nod when she says her hurtful things to me. (Now, if she says something to the kids, that's another story- she has seen my mama bear wrath!) She sees that her comments have no effect on me and they have really diminished.

 

If you can laugh off what she says and completely ignore her rude comments, you might get her to back down.

[Tammyla]

"Granny, you're so funny...it's summer vacation."

 

Teach your kids to refer her questions to you or your dh, and then go with your rehearsed answer or ask if she smells something burning. :grouphug:

[kewb]

Refuse to engage. My MIL never discusses the topic with me anymore because the only response she gets from me is "Thank you for your concern. You raised your children, now it our turn." Repeat over and over until she stops.

[dirty ethel rackham]

To tell you the truth, from the way your MIL treated you in the past, I would set the boundary at my front door. No one who mocks me in my own home is allowed back in. That behavior is uncalled for and inexcusable. You forget that you hold all the cards here. The children are yours and you control access to them. If you do agree to allow her in your front door, I would go with the scripts provided by Veritaserum. And, if she oversteps those boundaries, call a taxi and send her to the nearest hotel.

 

If you do not have support from your dh on setting these boundaries, start filming your MIL when she misbehaves and then ask your dh if he wants your children to learn this behavior - either to treat others this way or to allow others to treat them this way.

[Dobela]

How long will she be visiting? If just a few days I would just stop my schooling and take everyone out of the house. Go to museums, parks, hiking trails, shopping, pools...anything where you are not directly teaching and she can spend more time with her grandchildren. Get her to share family stories with your children, schedule pictures at Walmart with her and the kids... If you keep her, and everyone else busy, you will have so much more to talk about and discuss than homeschool. Make the visit about her and the kids bonding or something. Yeah, I know. That's tough as well.

[Margo out of lurking]

We've never done any lessons when we've had company in our home, even when mil has stayed for more than a week. That would just be too uncomfortable all around, even more so if the guest was watching with a critical eye. (And definitely no testing, you've had great responses here already!)

 

If your mil is truly concerned and starts in, and IF you can knock down your defensive barriers (often difficult for me), maybe you can just honestly say to her, "Look, we do appreciate your concern. We know you are saying this out of love for our family, that you want the best for our kids. We want that too. You're only seeing a small part of the picture. We believe there are different ways to educate children, and this is the path we've chosen for our family, for now. We know you want to enjoy your visit, and we would like that too. Do you think we can agree to not talk about this?"

 

I personally would be looking at her motivation. If she's a jerk in general, then she won't stop, and she's not doing it out of concern. But a lot of people have never been exposed to hsing and can't imagine why someone would not send children to ps.

 

It would be disappointing if my dh would not step up here. But you CAN smooth the path, you CAN be this wife who will work to better the relationship your whole family, and your kids, have with your mil. If your mil is truly just concerned, this is an opportunity for you to set the tone for years to come.

[Impish]

When I read the title, my initial response to it was, "RUN!".

 

Have to admit, after reading, its still my best advice.

 

I'm pregnant, so a bottle of Merlot or Bailey's is no good to me...unless it was to bean her with. Which, while tempting...I don't look good in prison orange, so I'm reluctant to advise others to take steps that could result in their being so garbed.

 

How long she's staying has a major impact. Its easy enough to call a break for up to a week while Grandma visits.

[Impish]

She sounds like my MIL. :glare: My MIL comes over and takes over. She goes through my closets, rearranges my fridge, and tells me whatever it is I'm doing isn't right. She disciplines my kids (in a way I do not). The last time she came it was so bad I told my husband that if he didn't say something to her that I would leave until her visit was over. He said something and she locked herself in my bedroom for three days.

 

I think the only answer is to leave or drink heavily. Or give your MIL a lot of booze. My MIL likes wine. If I keep her liquored up she is a lot nicer.

 

I feel your pain and wish I had a better answer. :grouphug:

I would so lose my ever loving mind. My MIL was told off for going into our room without being invited. Locking herself IN our room would have me off the deep end. I'm one of those, "my room is my sanctuary" types.

 

My MIL doesn't drink though. *sigh*

[Impish]

Well we let our in-laws use our room when they visit. We slept in one of the kid's rooms (and they slept on the floor). They come for 2-3 weeks so that it is a lot less expensive. It's not ideal to say the least, but it can't really be helped.

 

Although now we have our own house and it is bigger so we could arrange otherwise.

Hmm. You mean they couldn't afford a hotel for 2-3 wks? Sounds like a win-win to me! :D :lol:

 

We bring Tazzie into our room and give MIL his room. But she's not coming this year! :party:

[Impish]

I think we need a sub group for those dealing with inlaw/extended family insanity. :lol:

[texasmama]

To tell you the truth, from the way your MIL treated you in the past, I would set the boundary at my front door. No one who mocks me in my own home is allowed back in. That behavior is uncalled for and inexcusable. You forget that you hold all the cards here. The children are yours and you control access to them. If you do agree to allow her in your front door, I would go with the scripts provided by Veritaserum. And, if she oversteps those boundaries, call a taxi and send her to the nearest hotel.

 

:iagree: I have had to set some firm boundaries with my MIL, and dh has had to have many tallks with her. Initially in our marriage, he was reticent to do so, but he found in time that it was more unpleasant to deal with the fall out from me than the fall out from his mother during these incidents.

 

In your shoes, I would ask dh to address this prior to her visit, directly discussing the issue last time of her mocking your art lesson and then setting a firm expectation for her behavior. Expect the boundary to be crossed and to need to follow through with whatever consequences you have set up.

 

We have limited or temporarily halted my MIL's access to our kids in the past when she crossed boundaries. She lives 15 minutes away and has gone a month at a time numerous times without seeing them. This has been necessary to enforce our limits made necessary by her grossly inappropriate behavior so I understand the position you are in.

 

She is the one at fault here. You and your dh are not. It is okay to "hurt her feelings". People who act badly should feel badly.

 

(And if you are Christian, read the Boundaries book. Repeatedly. :001_smile:)

[texasmama]

True story which might help anyone with a crazy MIL to feel better...

 

My MIL asked for our garage door code so she could "put some mulch I bought into the garage". That sounded nice, and because it was early on in the relationship, I was still taking her at her word and treating her like a sane person.:lol: So we gave it to her. The mulch was put in our garage while we were gone. Well, gradually, she began coming in our home when we weren't there, unannounced and uninvited, to "put a chicken in the refrigerator", etc. The last straw for me was when she went into our house while we were gone, came through our bedroom, into our bathroom and dug through our closet to get dh's dry cleaning to take.

 

I was 7 months pg with baby #3 when this happened, and I went ballistic. I asked dh to change the garage code and talk to his mother. He didn't do either. So I took my pregnant self out to the garage and with my bare hands, I ripped the keypad off the garage and threw it into the driveway. That was 9 years ago. She hasn't been in our house without being invited since.:D It was so worth it.:D

[WishboneDawn]

I'm just thinking outside the box on this one but what about making her some really great French Toast every morning...And stuffing a sleeping pill inside?:D

[mommaduck]

To tell you the truth, from the way your MIL treated you in the past, I would set the boundary at my front door. No one who mocks me in my own home is allowed back in. That behavior is uncalled for and inexcusable. You forget that you hold all the cards here. The children are yours and you control access to them. If you do agree to allow her in your front door, I would go with the scripts provided by Veritaserum. And, if she oversteps those boundaries, call a taxi and send her to the nearest hotel.

 

If you do not have support from your dh on setting these boundaries, start filming your MIL when she misbehaves and then ask your dh if he wants your children to learn this behavior - either to treat others this way or to allow others to treat them this way.

 

:iagree: And if DH insists that she visit, the children and I would be very busy with multiple "field trips" away from the house.

 

*Wendy has men in kilts in her avatar! LOVE it!*

[texasmama]

To be fair she may have thought she was doing a good deed by taking the dry cleaning. I can only say this because she isn't my MIL though. Had it been my MIL I would have been upset too!

 

Oh, I completely agree that she justified it along these lines. I think that most people with boundary issues justify their behavior with thinking errors.

 

MIL asked my SIL and BIL for a key to their house and was shocked when they refused.:lol: MIL's daughter lives three hours away, and MIL would often just drive to visit for several days without any notice to them. My SIL had her dh tell MIL that she needs to call before coming in the future. MIL was, again, shocked that this was a problem for them. We're all onto her here.:D

[Impish]

True story which might help anyone with a crazy MIL to feel better...

 

My MIL asked for our garage door code so she could "put some mulch I bought into the garage". That sounded nice, and because it was early on in the relationship, I was still taking her at her word and treating her like a sane person.:lol: So we gave it to her. The mulch was put in our garage while we were gone. Well, gradually, she began coming in our home when we weren't there, unannounced and uninvited, to "put a chicken in the refrigerator", etc. The last straw for me was when she went into our house while we were gone, came through our bedroom, into our bathroom and dug through our closet to get dh's dry cleaning to take.

 

I was 7 months pg with baby #3 when this happened, and I went ballistic. I asked dh to change the garage code and talk to his mother. He didn't do either. So I took my pregnant self out to the garage and with my bare hands, I ripped the keypad off the garage and threw it into the driveway. That was 9 years ago. She hasn't been in our house without being invited since.:D It was so worth it.:D

Oh my. :lol:

 

I'm thankful once again MIL lives in another province!

 

Wolf's also learned that its better to tick off his mother than deal with me, poor man. For him, though, he's so used to her nonsense and just ignoring it that it doesn't really register anymore. When I get angry he realizes she's overstepped and wades into the fray. Of course, she pushes things to the point where he takes flight before I even hear of it too.

 

What is so hard about respecting your adult child? Seriously, that is what it all seems to boil down to. Respecting them as an adult, the spouse they've chosen, the parents they choose to be. Why is it so hard for some?

[Impish]

I'm just thinking outside the box on this one but what about making her some really great French Toast every morning...And stuffing a sleeping pill inside?:D

:lol:

My SIL tried to convince Wolf when we were first married that she should have a key to our house...that First Nations culture dictated that there be no locked doors btwn family.

 

He told her to get bent.

 

The idea of anyone having open access to my home makes my skin crawl. :eek:

[Joanne]

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to pass the bean dip if and when it comes up. I actually decided to ask this tonight because I didnt think I could sleep as im so dreading the conflict, but jhst typing this out made me feel more in control of and optimistic about it all. Thanks for listening.

 

It's important to understand that "Bean Dip" is about progressively strong boundaries. It's more than "changing the subject" although it's been morphed/reduced to that.

 

Bean Dip for Homeschoolers.

 

What I would do in your situation, is give her one chance after a direct, non discussion:

 

"MIL, I can not change your mind or opinion. I can only insist on respectful behavior.* Any undermining of my parenting choices, drama that serves to undermine my parenting choices, grilling of the children, or commentary on our educational choices, discipline, or lifestyle equals your choice to go home. This is not up for discussion or debate, and it won't be up for discussion or debate in the moment. Do you understand?"

 

 

 

*You can't insist on respect, because it is a "feeling" or "cognition" from someone else.

[FaithManor]

Well, after a stunt like that, she wouldn't be welcome in our home. At most, we'd be willing to meet at a restaurant somewhere if she wanted to fly/drive in and stay at a hotel. So, you are much more gracious than we would be.

 

Before her feet leave the driveway for your front steps, you and dh present a united front and let her have it. Stick to it. She either graciously observes your boundaries or she is escorted to the door and it is locked behind her. Wave and say, "Have a nice life."

 

Seriously, a temper tantrum is just NOT appropriate and rather narcissistic. Certainly it isn't healthy for the children to witness that nor listen to her rhetoric. So, you need a plan in place and it needs to have steep consequences that are followed through so she will pay attention.

 

Honestly, I think it would be best if your dh told her she had to stay at a hotel. You can visit her in the lobby with the kids, meet for dinner in a neutral place (less likely to storm off or have a verbal confrontation in public), go to the beach or whatever but all outside the sanctuary of your home.

 

:grouphug: I don't know why some people seem to think they should get away with this kind of thing.

 

Faith

[Impish]

Well, after a stunt like that, she wouldn't be welcome in our home. At most, we'd be willing to meet at a restaurant somewhere if she wanted to fly/drive in and stay at a hotel. So, you are much more gracious than we would be.

 

Before her feet leave the driveway for your front steps, you and dh present a united front and let her have it. Stick to it. She either graciously observes your boundaries or she is escorted to the door and it is locked behind her. Wave and say, "Have a nice life."

 

Seriously, a temper tantrum is just NOT appropriate and rather narcissistic. Certainly it isn't healthy for the children to witness that nor listen to her rhetoric. So, you need a plan in place and it needs to have steep consequences that are followed through so she will pay attention.

 

Honestly, I think it would be best if your dh told her she had to stay at a hotel. You can visit her in the lobby with the kids, meet for dinner in a neutral place (less likely to storm off or have a verbal confrontation in public), go to the beach or whatever but all outside the sanctuary of your home.

 

:grouphug: I don't know why some people seem to think they should get away with this kind of thing.

 

Faith

As near as I can figure, my MIL thinks she's owed. I don't know if it falls under the 'respect thy mother and father', or just that Wolf should have eternal gratitude for being adopted or what...but she simply doesn't believe that she should ever be held to any standard of decent behaviour.

 

Of course, we also believe she has NPD.

[FaithManor]

Hey Imp, is it possible for Wolf to go to court and ask to be "unadopted"? :biggrinjester: You know...something like divorcing your parents.

 

Sheesh, your MIL, man she seriously takes the crazy cake! It sure would be nice if you could have her committed and maybe in the Yukon to boot!

 

Faith

[HistoryMom]

It has just occurred to me how incredibly lucky I am that MIL has only come here once in 10 years. She didn't come to our wedding. We go there once every two years. That's more than enough contact. And she's tried to guilt DH into moving closer to her. Why? So she can be mean to us in person? H*ll to the no!

 

:grouphug: to everyone dealing with their MIL at close quarters. The very idea stresses me out. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful!

[Impish]

Hey Imp, is it possible for Wolf to go to court and ask to be "unadopted"? :biggrinjester: You know...something like divorcing your parents.

 

Sheesh, your MIL, man she seriously takes the crazy cake! It sure would be nice if you could have her committed and maybe in the Yukon to boot!

 

Faith

Or set adrift on an ice floe :lol:

I think it is just my MIL's personality. She is very domineering. Her husband and two sons have always just let her call the shots. I'm not AS domineering, but I am very independent. My parents at times relied on me. I'm used to being in control. So put us together and clashes are going to happen. I think she sees me as one of her children.

That's probably one of the biggest issues. MIL has been allowed to behave like a tantruming 2 yo all her life. Her sibs gave in to prevent hissy fits, rather than telling her no. So, she's used to this behaviour working, and when I came along was/is completely baffled that I have issues with it.

 

She thought Wolf getting married meant she traded him for the dd she wanted from the get go. Not so much.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

It is okay to "hurt her feelings". People who act badly should feel badly.

 

(And if you are Christian, read the Boundaries book. Repeatedly. :001_smile:)

 

:iagree: That book really helped to change my life! I'm not sure you have to be a Christian to benefit from it. It has a Christian feel to it, but I think the practical elements would benefit anyone regardless of their beliefs. It is a VERY GOOD book!

 

The other quote, "People who act badly should feel badly.", was an eye-opener for me. I guess it seems so obvious. But I needed to hear it. It actually doesn't help that person to spare their feelings all the time. That's just enabling, isn't it?

Anyway, thanks for sharing! I needed to hear it!

[eternalknot]

My culture is very big on not airing dirty laundry, so to speak. We are a vocal, opinionated family unafraid to toss our two (unsolicited!) cents into everyone else's business BUT there are unwritten rules that govern when and where it is appropriate to do so. My in-laws are also a vocal, opinionated bunch; unfortunately, they fling their two cents around without regard for who the pennies rains down around. We had to nip that in the bud. It sounds like you do, too.

 

I emailed my MIL long letters that outlined what would (and wouldn't) be appropriate outlets for her opinions. I also printed out a hard copy and handed it to her upon her arrival. Every time. My SIL was aghast, my MIL's friends were bad-mouthing me for my nerve. Our ground rules were that any complaints or concerns about my parenting were to be made in writing only. This kept her from undermining me in front of my kids, and it gave me a fair chance to reply to her without her talking over me, interrupting me, or flat out not listening to my side. I had a stock answer for those (many) times she disregarded this rule and tried to comment about homeschooling or parenting in front of the kids: "Stop. Play by the rules, or we'll go straight to the airport." I said it evenly and calmly, not as a threat but as a reminder of what she agreed to by visiting. A few times I'd add in a passive-aggressive: "It'd be a shame for the kids that it was more important to you to get your comments out in front of them than it was to just bite your tongue, relay your opinions appropriately [in private, in writing] and actually enjoy your time with them."

 

Our situation was different in that my husband was always deployed or in the field, so he wasn't available to intervene. I had to shrug off MIL. I did drop her off at the airport twice when she undermined me in front of my kids. It upset my kids to cut a visit short. I'm not one to keep my kids from anyone on either side of the family, and I allow them to have relationships with people on both sides that I'm not in communication with.(Prior to all of this she secretly gave my nursling formula in hopes he'd reach for her instead of me -she later confessed, and she tried to have him vaccinated when she knew a specific vax was against mine and my husband's wishes -the doctor, her friend, alerted us. At that point she lost unsupervised visits.)

 

My MIL is better now. Honestly, what finally made her see her ways was my eldest child when he was 8. My MIL told him -in private- that if he wanted to go to school, she'd pay for it and that she wanted to be sure he knew about it because she didn't trust me to let him decide. He told her that I had shared her offer with him, and that he still wanted to stay home. He brought her to me, and demanded she tell me what they had just talked about. Then he told her he loved her but that he wasn't going to let her disrepect me or our rules. (He's very much a rules person, and he knew the rules we set for MIL.) It changed how he viewed her, and that crushed her. She's changing, and things are steadily improving.

 

Long story short, feel confident in your decisions and stand your ground respectfully but assertively. Have a pre-plan for how to handle any incidents that are likely to arise, and communicate to her ahead of time -clearly- the consequences for those potential incidents. Finally, know that it could be a turbulent few years but that setting the tone now will absolutely pay-off at some point.

[Impish]

.(Prior to all of this she secretly gave my nursling formula in hopes he'd reach for her instead of me -she later confessed, and she tried to have him vaccinated when she knew a specific vax was against mine and my husband's wishes -the doctor, her friend, alerted us. At that point she lost unsupervised visits.)

 

 

Oh. My. Word.

 

What is with this insanity? Is it jealousy? I seriously wonder...

[Alenee]

I love the idea about planning outings the whole time she's in your home. Or, you could do like me and go away while she visits! It just so happened that this year's visit is happening at the same time that I will be in CA for my sister's bridal shower. :thumbup1: I'll still have a few days with mil when I get back but now I don't have to prepare *projects* for seven straight days just to keep her entertained. :D

[Jennifer3141]

I don't understand something. Jen, this woman openly MOCKED your parenting decisions that I'm going to assume your DH supports and you're having her back in your HOME?

 

Why?

 

Why doesn't your DH hand her her suitcase and send her off in a cab?

 

I think we all have to draw new boundaries when we marry. I'm sure someday my kids are going to have to say, "Hey Mom. We're married now! Let go a little!" But wow. Openly mocking me in front of my kids? No way would I tolerate it and no way would I stay married to man who thought that was acceptable.

 

Tell her to get a hotel room and you'll meet her for dinner or something.

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

Wow, thank you for all the great advice and support. MIL in coming for a week and staying in a motel. I like the idea to mostly hang out at the motel swimming and do outside activities and staying busy. The kids and I will go to bed early too. ;) Wine for all the adults sounds perfect. :) I do think we should say something before the visit. I am terrible in the moment. We will probably have to bring up the mocking incident to refesh her memory and put our requests in context. Is it resonable to ask her to not bring up hsing at all. Let her know that the issue is not up for discussion and our homeschool none of her business?

 

Thank you all again and :grouphug::grouphug: to all of you having to deal with this kind of thing too.

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

I don't understand something. Jen, this woman openly MOCKED your parenting decisions that I'm going to assume your DH supports and you're having her back in your HOME?

 

Why?

 

Why doesn't your DH hand her her suitcase and send her off in a cab?

 

I think we all have to draw new boundaries when we marry. I'm sure someday my kids are going to have to say, "Hey Mom. We're married now! Let go a little!" But wow. Openly mocking me in front of my kids? No way would I tolerate it and no way would I stay married to man who thought that was acceptable.

 

Tell her to get a hotel room and you'll meet her for dinner or something.

 

I know. Seriously, I have only talked to her once since then. Dh doesnt think it is acceptable and has gotten so much better over the years confronting her, but it does bother me he did not say anything about this one.

Edited June 16, 2011 by JENinOR

[Impish]

From what I've heard, things tend to work best when it comes from the son/daughter of the parent, rather than the in law.

 

Not so much in my case, I'll admit. MIL tries to get me to side with her against Wolf when he tells her no...and when I tell her no, its only b/c I don't like her, etc. *eye roll*

 

I've honestly found the only way to keep sane, and preserve my marriage in view of her onslaught is a united front. We've learned that the hard way. She likes to call when she knows he's at work and try and weasel her way around me. She'll bring up a topic that Wolf's already told her a firm no about, and act like its never come up before. I find myself repeating, "Wolf's already answered you about this..." over and over again.

 

Getting on the same page, maintaining that, is the most valuable resource I've found.

[Tarreymere]

I need to forward this thread to my son-in-law. He feels that I am trying to run his life if I leave a one sentence comment on his facebook once or twice a year! He has been on back-to-back deployments to Iraq for several years so I haven't even seen him in about three years. His wife, my daughter, thinks this is hilarious.......:glare:

 

I should post on his facebook about how I am looking forward to moving in with him and his familiy in my old age........

[texasmama]

That's probably one of the biggest issues. MIL has been allowed to behave like a tantruming 2 yo all her life. Her sibs gave in to prevent hissy fits, rather than telling her no. So, she's used to this behaviour working, and when I came along was/is completely baffled that I have issues with it.

 

This is the case here, as well, except MIL's parents (who are still living) and all three of her kids have treated her like she is incapable of handling any feedback so they have never given her any. As I like to say to dh, "Your family has trained her to act badly." My poor dh didn't even question any of this until we got married, and I started pointing it out. We are all now paying the price for no one setting any boundaries for her entire life. You wouldn't believe the crazy stuff she has done that no one has ever brought up to her.

 

The other quote, "People who act badly should feel badly.", was an eye-opener for me. I guess it seems so obvious. But I needed to hear it. It actually doesn't help that person to spare their feelings all the time. That's just enabling, isn't it?

Anyway, thanks for sharing! I needed to hear it!

 

Glad it helped you!:001_smile: Yes, it is enabling to spare someone any discomfort by not confronting inappropriate behavior, thus engaging in collusion that the behavior is acceptable.

 

This is the dynamic with my inlaws. MIL cried and pouted whenever anyone confronted her so everyone stopped doing so. We are now living with the monster which that created. I arrrived on the scene far too late to change anything, but she has very little contact with me. I have trained her not to, and it works best for everyone.:001_smile: She also has very little contact with my kids. If she were an appropriate grandmother with whom the kids wanted to spend time, things would be different...but she is not. It's a shame for my kids because my wonderful mother has passed away so MIL is the only grandmother the kids have.

[Tarreymere]

Wow, thank you for all the great advice and support. MIL in coming for a week and staying in a motel. I like the idea to mostly hang out at the motel swimming and do outside activities and staying busy. The kids and I will go to bed early too. ;) Wine for all the adults sounds perfect. :) I do think we should say something before the visit. I am terrible in the moment. We will probably have to bring up the mocking incident to refesh her memory and put our requests in context. Is it resonable to ask her to not bring up hsing at all. Let her know that the issue is not up for discussion and our homeschool none of her business?

 

Thank you all again and :grouphug::grouphug: to all of you having to deal with this kind of thing too.

 

Oh HECK YEAH it is reasonable to TELL her that you will not discuss HSing with her at all and that the issue is not up for discussion. Since she isn't staying in your home, if she breaks that rule and is gently reminded of it you can get up, pack up the kids, and leave her alone. If you do that and stand firm, likely you will have to deal with less crap from her in the future.

[Impish]

This is the case here, as well, except MIL's parents (who are still living) and all three of her kids have treated her like she is incapable of handling any feedback so they have never given her any. As I like to say to dh, "Your family has trained her to act badly." My poor dh didn't even question any of this until we got married, and I started pointing it out. We are all now paying the price for no one setting any boundaries for her entire life. You wouldn't believe the crazy stuff she has done that no one has ever brought up to her.

 

 

 

Glad it helped you!:001_smile: Yes, it is enabling to spare someone any discomfort by not confronting inappropriate behavior, thus engaging in collusion that the behavior is acceptable.

 

This is the dynamic with my inlaws. MIL cried and pouted whenever anyone confronted her so everyone stopped doing so. We are now living with the monster which that created. I arrrived on the scene far too late to change anything, but she has very little contact with me. I have trained her not to, and it works best for everyone.:001_smile: She also has very little contact with my kids. If she were an appropriate grandmother with whom the kids wanted to spend time, things would be different...but she is not. It's a shame for my kids because my wonderful mother has passed away so MIL is the only grandmother the kids have.

Oh, I'd believe it. My experience with my MIL has left me with no doubt as to what stunts ppl can pull, most especially with family. Like your dh, Wolf was pretty numb to what was going on, ignored it when he did notice.

 

Yup, mine cries, howls, fakes asthma attacks, claims I/we hate her...complete, total, and utter meltdowns. I, too, blame her family. If they'd actually put their foot down and told her to behave, she'd probably be a reasonable human being. Since she was in her 70s when I met and married Wolf, there's no changing her.

 

Mine doesn't avoid me though. She demands to have contact w/me. I avoid it as best I can, giving in only to make Wolf's life a bit easier. Problem is, she never fails to tick me off, and then he has to deal with that! :lol:

[texasmama]

Mine doesn't avoid me though. She demands to have contact w/me. I avoid it as best I can, giving in only to make Wolf's life a bit easier. Problem is, she never fails to tick me off, and then he has to deal with that! :lol:

 

You're a good wife!:grouphug: I work hard at not letting MIL be a problem in our marriage. I understand the struggle. MIL pretty much won't call me at all, which works for me. :D

[AuntieM]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can empathise.

 

I spent the first 12 years of my marriage trying to gain my MIL's acceptance and approval, and being left time and again feeling humiliated, disapproved of, angry and depressed. Having got to a very low point I decided I no longer cared what she thought of me, rejected a lot of the ILs family values that I realised were quite contrary to those values that had always been important to me, and felt wonderfully liberated.

 

It has been only recently that I've come to realise what a lot of power I gave her early in my marriage to impose her standards and values on me, and to make me feel like cr @p when I didn't live up to them.

 

I could have written these exact words. Only make that near 20 years.

 

:grouphug: to the OP, stand your ground.

[celticmom]

I refuse to allow my MIL into my house. She always tries to come up with some reason she needs to come in, generally to put her dog in its cage if we have agreed the dog can stay at our house while we all go to a family function such as a graduation. Therefore, I have started leaving our 100lb. bloodhound/golden retriever mix on the front porch when she is about to come around. This dog has a personality similiar to Marmaduke so she cannot try to enter the house or the dog will want to "greet" her. That would most likely result in her being knocked down and her clothes would be torn or soiled. She would also be covered in dog slobber. The dog is very friendly and enthusiastic and loves to jump.

[AuntieM]

...Her husband and two sons have always just let her call the shots....

 

And after all these years, you become the "bad guy" for expecting anything different. It's no fun to have someone else's inappropriate behavior make you feel like the heavy. BTDT. But, I have recently had a few extended family members crawl out of dark corners and express thanks that I have decided to stand my ground.

[Impish]

I love the idea about planning outings the whole time she's in your home. Or, you could do like me and go away while she visits! It just so happened that this year's visit is happening at the same time that I will be in CA for my sister's bridal shower. :thumbup1: I'll still have a few days with mil when I get back but now I don't have to prepare *projects* for seven straight days just to keep her entertained. :D

I have to admit, I don't get it. Or I'm a lousy hostess. Or lazy. I just can't imagine working that hard, having to entertain someone like that.

 

And after all these years, you become the "bad guy" for expecting anything different. It's no fun to have someone else's inappropriate behavior make you feel like the heavy. BTDT. But, I have recently had a few extended family members crawl out of dark corners and express thanks that I have decided to stand my ground.

I hear the 'bad guy' thing. Her sibs are not happy with me at all.

I wouldn't doubt there are family members who would do the same to me.

 

That said, my MIL surprises me sometimes. My mother passed away years ago (shortly after my first was born). Nobody doted on me like my mother. My MIL once threw me a really awesome birthday party. I never forgot it. Really, nobody besides my mother ever made me feel that special. So she isn't all bad either.

At least there's that positive memory. :001_smile: I seriously have yet to have one. The woman even took over my wedding. :glare:

[trailofsparks]

I'm just thinking outside the box on this one but what about making her some really great French Toast every morning...And stuffing a sleeping pill inside?:D

 

Love it! :lol: Dulcolax works nicely, too. :D