If you have succesfully survived a young teen romance...

[rookie]

either your own or your dc, please share how.

 

This is not going away. It has gone from long-term crush to full blown "we're in love" and they are 14.

 

If you were these kids or have kids who went through this and came out okay on the other side, please share your story.

 

Thanks.

[weat4]

Ah, young love, I remember it well. My dh fell hard for me :001_smile: and we were fourteen. It took me a little longer to move from friendship to feeling like I couldn't live without him, but he was so darn persistant and won me over. We started dating at sixteen, got married after my junior year in college (he was 21, I was a month away from 21,) and four kids later, we will be married 22 years next month. So positive outcomes are possible.

 

Things that helped.............we were best friends from the beginning and still are and we didn't have a whole lot of time alone in the early years. My much younger sister and brother were with us a lot and then we became very involved in our youth group and later were leaders ourselves. We were busy working together and getting to know each other well.

 

Although I would never trade my dh or our life together, I was just telling my oldest dd this weekend that I wish so much of my life wasn't concentrated on my relationship with daddy so early on, especially while I was in college. I didn't take as much advantage of the wonderful experiences available to me because our relationship took up too much time.

 

I hope that was even a little what you were looking for.............

 

The best to you as you navigate this with your child,

Julie

[KidsHappen]

Two of my dds fell for guys they knew as kids. They started their relationships on-line and then serious dating at 14 or 15. Both were engaged by 16. The oldest got married at 18 and the other just turned 18 and is currently engaged. The oldest has been married 8 years and has a 3 year old. The other graduated HS a year early and just finished her first year of college.

 

I handled it differenly than just about anyone here would but both of my dds are happy and healthy personally and in their relationships. I managed by making sure that they were healthy (both physically and mentally), well loved, that they paid attention to their studies, had social activities and spent time with their family. I did not try to limit or control the relationships. I am very happy with their choices.

 

My 2nd grew up and left home, traveled around a bit, got a job and then fell in love in the span of about a month and then got married. There has been some tension and some adjustments and it has been hard on everyone. I am not as sure of this relationship because it was so sudden and I don't really know the guy, I haven't spent any time with him and I haven't had a chance to see them interact or how he interacts with the family. It is more stressful for me because she is not here if things go badly. I can't offer her as much comfort and protection as I could if she were still at home. I am not as available as I would be if she were still here. I can't observe, guide and offer support. It will take more time to develop a relationship with him and I worry more.

 

It can be stressful either way, but if this is your life then deal with it the way it is and try to see the positives and work with them. I know it is hard and I feel for you. :grouphug:

[Peela]

My dd fell for someone at that age- almost 15 though. She is very mature though- he was almost 2 years older.

I can't say I ever felt there was a problem. It just felt natural. And after 5 months dd had had enough of the intensity. She is a social butterfly and has many male friends, and she felt obligated, owned, and she ended the relationship. The next serious one lasted a lot shorter time- same issue. Guy was intense, she felt stifled. But that's her.

I have never made an issue out of my kids' romances. I don't have a belief they are wrong, bad, or should be controlled. Dh and I watch and use teachable moments to make sure dd especially is taking care of herself and respecting herself on all levels. That is our concern. But we do not interfere or try to control. My dd is a strong one though- no doormat. I am glad she has the ability to end a relationship. So does ds- he recently ended a 7 month relationship.

No problem here so far- they are learning, they have managed it all well. There has been some heartbreak, some difficult moments and times, but it has all been lived out very well overall, as far as I can see.

My kids are very free spirits, very independent, and nowadays, very wise- I do not try to control more than I need to.

[Heather in Neverland]

Define "came out ok".

[ciyates]

I am so glad you posted this. We are going through this right now. DS has fallen hard and fast for a girl. She seems to have fallen just as hard and fast. I am struggling with this so much. :(

[Carrie12345]

I was 15, not 14.

I was very much and very truly in love.

We were together for 3 years and came *this* close to running off and getting married on my 18th birthday.

 

I'm the one who ended it, but I was still devastated. I knew I needed to go off to college without any strings, and I knew I didn't want to spend forever in my hometown, but he did. I cried for a week.

 

I still love him very much today. Not in the way I love my husband, but in an important way, none the less. We chat now and then. He's still in our hometown, just as I knew he'd be, lol.

 

I wouldn't change a single moment of those 3 years. It was amazing and magical and beautiful. I feel very fortunate to have had him in my life.

 

 

(But yes, I do expect to freak a bit if/when my kids get there!!! ;))

[Shawn On the Border]

My husband and I were a bit older when we started dating- 15. We wanted to spend every waking moment together. My husband's family was o.k. with it, so we spent most of our time at their house. My mother wasn't happy about it, so we avoided her. We were best friends and we still are 30 years and 2 kids later :001_smile:.

[weddell]

When I was 14 I starting dating a boy who was 16. We dated for 3 years and were definitely in love when we broke up. He was in college and needed more space, I was going to college out of town. It was quite heartbreaking, but we both got over it and married other people and are quite happy now! I think it was a great learning experience.

[ktgrok]

My first "boyfriend" was at 14. But I wasn't allowed to date and I was too embarrassed to tell him, so I kept making excuses. So he dumped me. I wish I'd told him the truth. We only kissed once, and it seemed a bit gross, lol.

 

Later, around 16 I dated more. I look back on my first "love" with fondness. However, I wish my parents had been better about making sure we were better supervised as things went a bit farther than they should have when we were totally alone at his house.

 

At 17 I fell for an older guy who showed me attention. He seemed "brooding". Many years of dating, 7 years of marriage, 1 child and one divorce later I can say that it wasn't brooding it was depression and anxiety. Ugh. I REALLY wish someone had explained to me that love may take work, but it shouldn't be that hard. And I wish someone had talked to me about waiting on sex until I was married.

 

My final love, and honestly, first REAL love, is my dh. It was love at first sight. I saw his picture on a dating website and though "I could grow old with him." I knew that was crazy, but it was my first thought. Within 10 minutes of chatting I told my best friend I was going to marry the man. We did get married, and I am more in love with him now than ever.

[mamajudy]

I was 15, and he was 18 when my husband and I fell in love. He graduated from high school and went off to college, while I stayed behind and finished 2 more years of high school and 2 years of art school. We wrote lots of letters, and he called me about once a week. That was before email, etc. He came home for a week during his spring break, a month during Christmas, and 3 months in the summers. We were inseparable. We got married the day after I graduated from art school, and almost 32 years of marriage and 5 kids later, we are still inseparable.:) I am very thankful that I met him when I did and didn't go through many break ups with boys.

[Nakia]

I fell in love for the first time at 14. We dated for about 8 months, and then he broke it off. That ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me because I met Patrick about 5 months later. I will never doubt my love for "M" was true love. He still holds a very special place in my heart. We actually reconnected on Facebook last year, and I realized that we can never be friends, not even on the internet. We still have young "first love" feelings for each other, and I will never risk my marriage to my wonderful husband and the life we have made for ourselves for that kind of love. My marriage is rock solid and has withstood almost 13 years, not including the 4 years we were together before that. I love him more than anything in this world. I will never forget "M", but I know that he is not the man God intended for me.

 

So yeah, I came out okay. :)

[SunD]

DH and I fell in love at 14. :001_smile: I think we're fine.

 

I will say ... talk. If you haven't yet, do it now! I wasn't close to my parents. My mom was permissive and tended to ignore me. My dad was super authoritarian when he was home. They didn't like DH, they didn't like me being interested in boys, and they made it pretty obvious. DH's mom made it known far and wide that she hated me. My parents had never talked to me about anything (refused to discuss sex, didn't explain periods until AFTER I got mine, etc) but somehow expected me to magically know their standards and desires for me. At 16 my mom said "I hope you wait until you get married.", out of the blue. Well, gee, I'm 16 and I've been with the same guy for two years! Maybe it's a little late to be sharing that now! :tongue_smilie: My dad forced me to break up with him after that.

 

I would have been better off staying with him. He was a good kid and he truly loved me. Instead I ended up with someone who wasn't really interested in a relationship, only the, er, benefits. It took me a while to figure out that I was being used. I ended up in a bad place, dropped out of college, and came back home extremely depressed. My parents were still trying to control me ... taking away my car because of dropping out (I was supposed to read their minds again; grades were never mentioned as a condition when they gave it to me), trying to listen in when I talked to the doctor about antidepressants (mom was there since I had no car!), forcing me to get a job when I was battling insomnia (and ended up getting fired for falling asleep at work). I mention all that because really, it's what brought DH back to me. He heard what was going on through the grapevine and he offered to take me with him when he left town. He supported me through the dark places. We've been together ever since and I wish we had been those years we were apart. I would probably not have been through so much heartache. We have a good marriage. We fight, sure, but everyone disagrees ... and we love each other enough to really try when we need to change or compromise.

 

So, that's our story in a nutshell. My advice is to talk and to let your teen talk to you. If your relationship isn't good enough to have real conversations about life and love, work on it ASAP. They need to trust you enough to let you know about the hard things, talk about why they like this person, etc. You have to trust them enough to not advise breaking up every time they argue (because if they make up you'll be the bad guy), really listen and not dismiss it as "just puppy love", etc. That will really improve the chances of things going well (not necessarily the relationship lasting forever, but more trust, more openness, fewer secrets and lasting scars).

[rookie]

I am so grateful for the replies.

 

I do not want to control my dd. I want her to learn, to live, to love, to be free. My fear is that she will "lose" herself in this relationship. I am not sure that she has enough sense of herself and may focus on the boy to her own disadvantage.

 

I also know that the boy has lied to his parents about this. They do not approve of any romantic notions AT ALL until he is much, much older. I understand why he lied to them when confronted but it is dishonoring to my daughter. She ends up looking like the besotted girl chasing after him! And, she has been brave enough to speak openly with me about everything while he pursues her on the sly.

 

How do I handle these particular issues?

 

 

Please keep the help and good advice coming. I'm a newbie at this and was raised by barbarians.

[Heather in Neverland]

 

I also know that the boy has lied to his parents about this. They do not approve of any romantic notions AT ALL until he is much, much older. I understand why he lied to them when confronted but it is dishonoring to my daughter.

 

Please keep the help and good advice coming. I'm a newbie at this and was raised by barbarians.

 

Regardless of my own rules for dating, this would be a red flag for me. I would not allow my daughter to date someone who is lying to his parents about it. It is dishonoring to her, to his parents, and to their budding relationship. My answer would be simple: you have the blessing of both sets of parents or you do not date.

[SunD]

Tell him what you said. Not in public, obviously, but if he's allowed to visit your home or if you and your daughter can talk to him in a somewhat private place.

 

He is a young teen, in love or not. My DH might have needed someone to point out the honor aspect at that age too, but he was and is a good guy. Your DD should tell him that she doesn't want to look like she is chasing him, and if he truly loves her, he shouldn't dishonor her by lying to his parents. If he's really in love he values her and is proud that she chose him. He might just not be thinking of it that way ... and thus panic when his parents confront him. If she tells him honestly how this makes her feel, then you can consider it a test of character.

[prairiewindmomma]

Why can't they do things with groups of friends? And, if the boy is lying to his parents, that is not ok.

 

I have not raised teens yet, but I work with teens at church. I've seen the good, the bad, and the really ugly.

 

I think 14 is too young to pair off with anyone. Our children will be allowed to date, at 16, with groups of friends. In our house, teenage dating is about learning what kinds of people you might be interested in & having (innocent) fun with friends, but it's not about pairing off. Pairing off happens when you're in a position to really court and marry.

 

I have known several couples who *did* meet while teenagers, but those with the happiest marriages were the ones who waited until they had a year or two of college under their belts and were prepared to take on adult responsibilities. They also did get to know other young men and women during the time to get a sense of what was out there.

 

I *thank God* that I did not marry my high school sweetheart. I had no idea what I could even aspire to in dating. I really wish that someone would've stepped in and helped guide me more---I asked my mother once about it, and she said she was afraid I would rebel. I'm glad your daughter came to you to chat....I think you have the possibility of really helping her shape her understanding of the situation and guide her towards a healthy balance in her relationships. Most 14 year olds don't know who they are....and I think that's key to finding happiness in love.

[meggie]

The only story like that that I know of is my MIL. She got pregnant at 14 and my husband's biological father has never, ever been in the picture. I know lots of other people have stories where it all worked out, but sometimes it doesn't. :grouphug: I'm sorry if that makes me a downer, but I thought you might want to know.

[Kari C in SC]

My dh and I are those kids. We met the first month of high school. We will be together 25 years this October. We are also THOSE KIDS you may not want your kids to be. I was always honest with my kids about our relationship. I was a perfect kid until I met my dh. Then it just did not matter what I thought was right as far as s*x. I didn't care because I loved/love him. We chose to have a baby when I was 16. Long story about my dh being abused, not having a family of his own, etc. I know without a doubt that was exactly what God had planned for us. I don't look back and have one single regret. I just have really great memories and am so glad I met my dh when I was 14 and had my sweet Timmy when I was 16.

 

My advice - listen, watch, take it all in and supervise. If you feel like things are going horribly wrong, step in. If you are afraid they are in love, don't be. Love comes to people at all different times and ages. It doesn't make it more or less real - just different. Be a great listener. I was that to my oldest son and we had the best relationship. I miss that more than anything.

[july19]

I fell for a guy at 14. I thought it was love, and thought it was the end all to beat all. It wasn't. At the very same time, my parents were starting a huge horrible ugly divorce and both were dating new people and I was pushed to the sidelines and used as a pawn. So, I continued dating people that weren't so great....and did things I'm not proud of.

 

But, I met my husband when I was 23 and I can say with complete certainty that it has been the first time I've ever, EVER, been actually "in love". When it's right, it's right. For some that happens at 14, some it happens at 40.

 

That being said, if he's lying to his family about this, I feel like that's a red flag.

[abacus2]

Lying to family is definitely not cool.

 

DH and I met at 14 and dated all through high school. We married at the age of 20 and will celebrate our 13th anniversary on Monday. I was not interested in a boyfriend at the time, but I met my match young. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've never had even an inkling of the type of connection I have with dh with anyone else.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, I met my husband when we were in elementary school.

 

We started "going together" (which, at that time, just meant you acknowledged you liked each other and sat together at lunch and such) when we were in 6th grade.

 

We broke up, got back together and broke up again throughout junior high and the first couple of years of high school.

 

After that, we broke up and lost touch for several years. During that time, each of us married and divorced someone else.

 

I found myself thinking about him a lot and finally one night got up the courage to call his parents' house to ask about getting in contact with him.

 

As it turned out, he was there visiting and was the one to answer the phone.

 

We talked for hours on the phone every night for the next couple of months, after which he flew across the country to visit me.

 

He stayed for about a week, flew home long enough to sell things and pack, and then flew back.

 

We've been together almost 20 years, now, and have been married for 17 of them.

[Harriet Vane]

I am so grateful for the replies.

 

I do not want to control my dd. I want her to learn, to live, to love, to be free. My fear is that she will "lose" herself in this relationship. I am not sure that she has enough sense of herself and may focus on the boy to her own disadvantage.

 

I also know that the boy has lied to his parents about this. They do not approve of any romantic notions AT ALL until he is much, much older. I understand why he lied to them when confronted but it is dishonoring to my daughter. She ends up looking like the besotted girl chasing after him! And, she has been brave enough to speak openly with me about everything while he pursues her on the sly.

 

How do I handle these particular issues?

 

 

Please keep the help and good advice coming. I'm a newbie at this and was raised by barbarians.

 

It sounds like he panicked. I think you should just sit down and talk to him about it, calmly and rationally. All of us make stupid decisions sometimes. If stupid decisions are a pattern for him, then that is cause for concern. But if this is more of an anomaly based on panic, then it's a situation that needs some loving coaching from an adult who cares.

[curlygirlzx2]

I started dating my first love when we were both 15. He was the boy next door literally. I got pregnant at 18 and gave birth at 19. Unfortunatley he passed away 9 days before dd was born. Looking back, I'm not sure how long we would have lasted and still wonder to this day. I have friends that met when they were 16 and 17. They have been married about 16 years and have 2 kids. My 19 year old dd has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they don't ever get married.

[justamouse]

Some of these stories are so incredibly sweet.

 

My Dd 16 has been dating someone she grew up with. He's far away and in college now, but her heart is set and I waver. They text, write letters and stay very close.

 

My MIL married my FIL right out of high school. She really wishes she shopped around as much as she loved him. They suffered through a lot. I don't want that for my Dd. I don't want her to be married 10 years and wonder if she picked the right one, or regret her choice. That's not fair to the boy.

 

But he's a good boy. Sigh. I dunno. She is very responsible, extremely smart and stayed away from some really bad guys. She is her father's princess and a straight A student. I like the boy, I just wish she were a bit older before falling this hard.

Edited June 15, 2011 by justamouse

[ereks mom]

Regardless of my own rules for dating, this would be a red flag for me. I would not allow my daughter to date someone who is lying to his parents about it. It is dishonoring to her, to his parents, and to their budding relationship. My answer would be simple: you have the blessing of both sets of parents or you do not date.

 

:iagree:

[HRAAB]

My dd, at the age of 14, announced she was in love and had found the man she was going to marry. At age 18 she married him, and they have now been married almost two years and are still head over heels in love.

 

I can't say I was happy about it. I wanted to see her finish school before marrying, and I was uncomfortable about the age difference - he's five years older. There wasn't anything I could do about her feelings for him, and as far as limiting her ability to see him - short of locking her in her room and putting bars on the windows - I couldn't entirely control that. So instead I told her I wanted to meet him and get to know him; after meeting him I realized he wasn't some scary older man. He was always welcome in our home. They didn't 'date' regularly since he lived in another state, but they saw each other every few months. She would have married him whether I was present or not. Of course I was present for her, with all my love and support. Her dad, too.

 

She's a couple years behind finishing school, but she's getting there. She's happy with him, and she has absolutely amazed me with how she's grown up, accepted responsibility and matured. I'm sure they'll have tough times - even when everything is perfect there are rough spots - but we're a very close family and she has the support of not only her parents but her siblings.

 

So far it's turned out okay!

[ereks mom]

Lying to family is definitely not cool.

 

DH and I met at 14 and dated all through high school. We married at the age of 20 and will celebrate our 13th anniversary on Monday. I was not interested in a boyfriend at the time, but I met my match young. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've never had even an inkling of the type of connection I have with dh with anyone else.

 

Our anniversary is also coming up on Monday; it's our 31st. Dh & I met when I was 17 and he had just turned 18. We dated for almost 2 years, then got married at age 19 just after our sophomore year of college. I do wish that we had waited a couple of years--until after we had graduated. I think we would not have had such serious financial problems throughout our marriage if we had waited until both of us were out of school, gainfully employed, and had experience managing our own finances.