Difficult subject, but have questions... re: wills...

[Dianne-TX]

DH and I had a will written out a few years ago and obviously left the children in the care of my parents. This wasn't the "best" solution, but really our only option and to keep them out of being wards of the state or whatever happens in that case. However, over time, my parents have gotten older and quite frankly they are not able to care for young children and really are not whom we want our children to be with any longer. This is a pretty serious decision. I feel hopeless and at a loss. In addition to prayer, what do we do? Do we ask friends? Any insight or direction would be appreciated.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Dianne-TX

[Mrs Mungo]

I know dh and I are named in the wills of a couple of families as guardians for their kids. In both cases they don't have siblings and their parents are elderly. If you have good friends, then I would ask them.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I think your best course of action to begin is to sit down with your dh and discuss all the other people in your lives, their potential to be guardians, their ability to handle any trusts for life insurance money going to your kids, their lifestyles and values as far as compatibility with yours, etc. Then, come up with a first and second choice and ask if they'd be willing to do this in a worst case scenario. Then you can update your wills.

[In The Great White North]

I think your best course of action to begin is to sit down with your dh and discuss all the other people in your lives, their potential to be guardians, their ability to handle any trusts for life insurance money going to your kids, their lifestyles and values as far as compatibility with yours, etc. Then, come up with a first and second choice and ask if they'd be willing to do this in a worst case scenario. Then you can update your wills

 

:iagree:

 

It's hard to imagine anyone you actually know being worse for your dc than being a ward of the state.

[Chris in VA]

We went thru our family and friends "list" and decided probably dh's mom would get the priviledge of raising dd (our boys are adults). However, I did really look at some of our friends as potential guardians, and I now think a certain family we know very well would be a better choice, but we haven't gotten around to asking them. We don't even have wills, to be honest--that's something we should take care of. Thanks for the reminder.

 

I looked at lifestyle, religious beliefs, how they are raising their own kids, personality mesh with dd, and if they could afford to raise another (we have great life insurance, so that probably wouldn't be an issue, but nevertheless, we considered it). Do you have close friends that might be a good fit and willing?

[DawnM]

My best friend and her husband are named in our will. My parents are too elderly and DH's mom, well, let's just say I might leave our dogs with her but not my kids! ;) DH's family is also not Christian and for us, that is extremely important, for our kids to be raised in a Christian home.

 

Dawn

[Dobela]

A couple of years ago a set of local parents went on vacation with another friend and their plane crashed. The children went first to the grandparents. One child though has very special needs and now the grandparents are unable to care well for her. Another set of friends have now moved back to the community, at the request of the grandparents, and are integrating the dd into their home and are committed to caring for her for the duration of their life and hers. This is only being possible though because the deceased parents have planned well for this situation. They left ample life insurance so that if the friends would have to move back a home for them could be purchased and their living expenses covered thru an estate.

 

 

We are kind of in your situation. Friends we named in the past are no longer close. No way can my parents care for our kids. I don't know if my cousins would be able or willing, and my brother has autism so he is not able. Dh's family has such different beliefs that we are not comfortable with them, besides most of his family has never seen our kids so they would be complete strangers. What we have considered doing now is to have a list of people in our will that we would be comfortable with raising our kids. Some we have talked to, some we have not. We have also listed a children's group home that we once worked for that we would feel comfortable having our children live at until other arrangements could be made or possibly an adoptive home found.

[texasmama]

We have chosen family who is not ideal, but they were the best choice at the time and will keep other family from laying claim to our kids. (people whom we would never in a million years want to raise our kids...)

 

My oldest dd is almost 16. My youngest child is 5. When my oldest dd becomes an adult, I have considered appointing her as guardian of her siblings. It is a bit unconventional, but she loves them, is very mature, and understands their dietary restrictions and special needs in other areas. She and I have talked about this, and she understands the reasons why and has agreed to consider it when the time is right. There is enough insurance money to take care of financial things. She would not be without a lot of family support in making these decisions. It is an unconventional thing to consider, but it feels like the best choice for our kids. By the time she would be old enough the be considered as a guardian (21+), our three youngest kids would be aged 11-16. Obviously, this is a decision which will be made at the time and cannot really be anticipated at this point because my teenager is still, well, a teenager, and her life will change drastically in the next few years.

 

(Not sure why I shared all of that, as it doesn't really address the situation of the OP...just wanting the OP to know that I understand the dilemma. We are not without family options, but I don't feel comfortable with those options as primary guardians for one reason or another.)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I know dh and I are named in the wills of a couple of families as guardians for their kids. In both cases they don't have siblings and their parents are elderly. If you have good friends, then I would ask them.

 

There used to be a podcast done by a homeschool mom. She once interviewed a lawyer who specialized in family law. The lawyer's comments about wills and guardianship stuck with me.

 

She said that she often had people come in and say that they had no one to leave as their kids' guardians. She told them to write down as many people as they could think of that they were close to. Then to pick the 2-3 that they would NEVER want to have their kids with (especially people who would be close in blood relationship). Then to look at who was left.

 

The people left on the list might not be people you were 100% happy with (really, who wouldn't prefer raising their own kids), but they were better than the people you were 100% unhappy with (the inlaws you can't stand, the crazy aunt, the sibling you haven't had civil discourse with in a decade, etc).

 

Whatever you do, don't let executorship or guardianship be a shock to the person named. (This happened to my FIL. He ended up guardian of his neices and nephews when his sister died. Despite her long illness, she'd never mentioned it. The kids were old enough that they lived with the oldest sibling, but the money was entrusted until the youngest ended colleged.)

 

I know many military families where it is a friend rather than a relative who is named as guardian. If this is what you'd prefer (a trusted friend rather than an untrusted or less reliable family member) then it has to be laid out.

 

We have a set of grandparents named, but have told them that it doesn't mean we wouldn't be ok with the kids physically residing with someone else if necessary.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

We have chosen family who is not ideal, but they were the best choice at the time and will keep other family from laying claim to our kids. (people whom we would never in a million years want to raise our kids...)

 

My oldest dd is almost 16. My youngest child is 5. When my oldest dd becomes an adult, I have considered appointing her as guardian of her siblings. It is a bit unconventional, but she loves them, is very mature, and understands their dietary restrictions and special needs in other areas. She and I have talked about this, and she understands the reasons why and has agreed to consider it when the time is right. There is enough insurance money to take care of financial things. She would not be without a lot of family support in making these decisions. It is an unconventional thing to consider, but it feels like the best choice for our kids. By the time she would be old enough the be considered as a guardian (21+), our three youngest kids would be aged 11-16. Obviously, this is a decision which will be made at the time and cannot really be anticipated at this point because my teenager is still, well, a teenager, and her life will change drastically in the next few years.

 

(Not sure why I shared all of that, as it doesn't really address the situation of the OP...just wanting the OP to know that I understand the dilemma. We are not without family options, but I don't feel comfortable with those options as primary guardians for one reason or another.)

 

 

My mom did this for my siblings when I became an adult. She told me she has never changed her will again, so I'm still named as guardian for my younger siblings, and the youngest just turned 33! I guess it's appropriate since my youngest sister is living with us. :lol:

[In The Great White North]

By the time she would be old enough the be considered as a guardian (21+), our three youngest kids would be aged 11-16.

 

Is there a legal minimum age for a guardian?

[Chris in VA]

You know, Carol, that is an interesting option--having a sib care for a younger sib. Something to consider.

I fear my boys would not be good candidates, tho--one is rather cold (due to Aspie), but would be quite safe and does love his sister, and the other might still struggle with personal issues and may not be a Christian. But it is an option for many, and I don't know why I didn't really think of it!

[texasmama]

Is there a legal minimum age for a guardian?

 

I don't know of the legal issues involved. In my mind, that is the (somewhat) arbitrary minimum age at which I would consider "saddling" someone with this responsibility, planning ahead as much as I can since she is not quite 16 right now.

[twoforjoy]

Our kids would either go with my parents or my sister. My ILs are fine people, but they are older and in poorer health than my parents, and I honestly don't think they could handle caring for three kids.

 

Neither my parents or my sister and her husband are ideal, but we're confident they'd do a good job. My parents are older, and it would be hard on them to raise three kids (although they could do it). My sister and her husband work a lot, and don't want kids, and just don't really have lives very conducive to raising children. However, they both adore our kids and would totally step up to raise them. They live close to each other (within about 45 minutes), so we figure that between all of them our kids would be well taken care of.

 

Our difficulty has been figuring out who they'd live with primarily. Right now, they'd probably go to my parents, who are in their early 60s. But in ten years, if we sit down and revisit it, I can see that changing and us making my sister and her husband their primary guardians if anything happened to us.

[Becca211]

We had my SIL and her husband as guardian for our oldest when he was an only. In the time that we had 2 more kids, she got divorced and adopted 2 girls as a single mom. Now there is no way I think she could handle my 3 and her 2. We changed it and asked friends and have never been more relieved about the decision. If we are going on a trip without the kids, we are very open with this other couple about our wishes, ect. We are actually their guardians too, and they do the same thing with us.

[mcconnellboys]

I asked my sister. If neither of you have any siblings, are there close friends who you could consider and who might be willing to do it for you?

[In the Rain]

We chose friends.

 

When choosing a friend over family for guardianship, I heard it was important to write out why various family members weren't chosen. We have done this, and included our wishes regarding unsupervised visits with those family members.

[Tammyla]

We need to rethink and update our wills; it just isn't easy though. I'm seriously considering my oldest.

[Starr]

We chose friends and then changed them as everyone got older.

[Halftime Hope]

and changed our will when some of our life circumstances changed.

 

If there is a reason that you do not want your children to go to a certain side of the family, for example, we feel that it is wise to not only name the guardian, but to also specifically state that those "other" folks are to have no say in the choices made for and on behalf of the children.

 

One of dh's relatives told dh that if anything were to happen to us, that relative would go to court if necessary to keep my children away from my extended family. Yikes! As if....

 

We wrote up letters stating whom we wanted to inherit certain goods under several scenarios, and most importantly, what our values and priorities were for our children's upbringing. (Among the priorities, get higher education!) We have insurance that will provide for our children's needs, but the beneficiary is a trust so no one can rip them off, and so they cannot access and squander the funds. In addition to a guardian, we have named a trustee to provide a level of accountability/oversight for the funds.

 

Before long, it will be a moot point, as the youngest is in his mid-teens.

Edited June 1, 2011 by Valerie(TX)

[brehon]

My dh and I wrote out a list of potential candidates to raise the kids (4 at the time, now 5) should something happen to us. We eliminated several possibilities through discussions. Right now dh's sister and her husband would have physical custoday of the kids; my uncle and his wife are named as back-ups. In addition to naming primary guardians and back-up guardians, and on the advice of our attorney, we also wrote who we absolutely didn't want to have guardianship and (briefly) why. This doesn't mean (at least in my state) that a judge would definitely abide this wish; but, it does give the judge an idea for why we thought a given person or couple would not be suitable. Obviously, the people we named as guardians would be so honored.

 

The other thing we did was to appoint an executor (and back-up). This person is not the same as the guardians. We set up a trust for the kids which would come into effect in the event of dh's and my deaths and our executor would administer the trust. I think setting up trusts is one of the most effective ways to ensure that one's kids/heirs are taken care of. And you don't need to have a lot of wealth to benefit from this.

 

Talk to the people you and your dh think would be good guardians. Also remember that you probably won't find a "perfect" guardian. Good luck. I know these decisions can be very difficult.

[MeaganS]

My husband and I are to be the guardians of our younger siblings who are still at home on both sides (13 years old and up on my side, and 17 years old on my dh's side). We are old enough to be responsible, have our own small family, and we would be most likely to raise our siblings similarly to how we were raised. We wouldn't be able to afford it on our own, but our parents both have enough life insurance, so it wouldn't be a burden.

 

We are planning on leaving our children with my MIL and FIL. Either of our parents would work, but my mom works now and my MIL doesn't, so it would be better on that front. Then we have several siblings we could possibly leave our daughters to as well, probably my younger sister at this point. Although she's only 21, she LOVES our kids and is getting married to an outstanding man in October and planning on starting a family soon after, so I know she'd be great.

 

I can't imagine having to make that decision when there are no clear forerunners or family. That would be hard. I guess I would just try to find a friend with a generous heart and similar worldview to mine. :grouphug:

[Mary in VA]

I think your best course of action to begin is to sit down with your dh and discuss all the other people in your lives, their potential to be guardians, their ability to handle any trusts for life insurance money going to your kids, their lifestyles and values as far as compatibility with yours, etc. Then, come up with a first and second choice and ask if they'd be willing to do this in a worst case scenario. Then you can update your wills.

 

:iagree: And down the road after you've done this, it's a good idea to revisit it periodically and see if who you've named is still a good fit. We had my best friend and her husband down as guardians for years. When our kids were little that was okay. Our kids would have had to move and make a new life with them. But once they reached their teens it was different. Our dds have roots here - church, friends, activities, and it would be much harder on them to move all the way to Alaska! So we changed it to a local friend who we know would do their best to keep the status quo for our dd, the older is about to be 21. All that to say - what is good for your dcs now, may not be later.

 

I also second Brehon's advice about executor/ trustee. We set up a trust for our dds with the trustee/executor different than the guardian. He is a good friend, our financial planner, and loves our dds, so we know he has the wisdom and heart for the job. If something happens to both me and dh, all of our insurance money will be placed in the trust.

 

Mary

Edited June 1, 2011 by Mary in VA

[Catherine]

When we chose my brother and his wife, they had one child. Now, they have three, and my eldest turns 18 (tomorrow!!). We would need to have a serious talk over many conversations with our son, but I honestly think my younger boys would be better off living at home, in our own house, with their brother, than leaving our familiar life to move to another state. They are close to my brother's family, it's not that. And I know ds would have lots of support from both my family and dh's. But they are all pretty far away from "home". Our life insurance would pay for funerals and pay off our house.

 

It's very, very hard to think about. A few years back, I read a heartbreaking\inspiring story of a young man here in my home city who was attending college here when his mom, already a widow, committed suicide. He moved home to raise his younger brother and was commuting to school, handling a full course load and trying to help his brother finish growing up. What a heroic young man!

[Penelope]

I found this book very helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Wear-Clean-Underwear-Essential-ebook/dp/B004GXAZWK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1306943628&sr=8-2

Wear Clean Underwear!: A Fast, Fun, Friendly and Essential Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents

 

It has advice about choosing guardians but also goes beyond wills, in planning for scenarios most people don't think about when it comes to guardianship. There is a lot about wills, too.

[dakarimom5]

In a perfect world someone in our family would take our kids. But the reality is that we don't trust most of our family to keep our children overnight, so raising them would be out of the question. My DH and I have thought about asking a family friend to keep them but I don't know if they will. It's not like we have one child, taking four is a huge change of lifestyle even if someone already has children.