Happy2BaMom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 A little background first: When my ds, now 8-1/2, was born, I met another mom who had a ds almost exactly the same age. Said mom and I became best of best of friends for the next 6-1/2 years. We moved together (both former Navy families), had our second babies within three months of each other and when I moved away (she is now on East Coast, I am on West), our families vacationed together to Hawaii, Orlando, Vegas, etc. as well as vacationing at each other's houses, etc. We were very very very close, and our two sons were the best of friends through all of this. That all started to peter out about 18 months ago, mostly due to my (now former) BFF's decision to distance me. Some of it was the physical distance (and the fact that we wouldn't be moving back there), some of it was my decision to hs (which she does not support), some of it just two people whose lives are on different trajectories (more info below, in case you care). Now we are headed back to her/their area for a wedding. I rarely speak to my friend anymore, and, although I e-mailed her that we would be in town, I have not heard back from her, so I don't anticipate seeing her. This will be hard for my son, who wants to see his friend. So, my question is: should I tell him, as kindly as I can, that the friendship is basically over and that we won't be seeing his friend anytime soon (which will be very hard on his heart), or should I do the 'little white lie' and say something like "oh, they're out of town this weekend, maybe next time" and, since we won't be traveling that way for another 2 years or so, count on time and distance to lessen his memories and make the breaking of that truth ultimately easier to bear? I normally don't like little white lies, since they often tend to be neither, but I also don't want to break my son's heart, especially since he has struggled to find another best buddy where we are living now. WWYD? P.S. Just so you know, I did try to maintain the friendship - several times - be asking my friend if something was going on or if she was upset with me about something (even though there was nothing obvious to me). She just said "I'm so busy all the time" (which is true, but priorities are priorities). I also know she distanced everyone else who was out of her area at around the same time, so I'm guessing she made the decision that something had to go, and long-distance friendships were one of those. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Tell him the truth, you have emailed to see if arrangements can be made and nothing so far so you probably won't get to see your friend this time. That way you are telling the truth without saying never again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Tell him the truth, you have emailed to see if arrangements can be made and nothing so far so you probably won't get to see your friend this time. That way you are telling the truth without saying never again. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I think I would tell him "I've let his mom know that we'll be in the area. I haven't heard back though. They might be really busy or out of town." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I would tell him that you have tried numerous times to contact your friend, but she has not replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 So, my question is: should I tell him, as kindly as I can, that the friendship is basically over and that we won't be seeing his friend anytime soon (which will be very hard on his heart), or should I do the 'little white lie' and say something like "oh, they're out of town this weekend, maybe next time" and, since we won't be traveling that way for another 2 years or so, count on time and distance to lessen his memories and make the breaking of that truth ultimately easier to bear? Don't lie to him, what if you ran in to her? It could happen in the least expected places. Just tell him that it's not working out to see them. I wouldn't go further than that at his age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I would email her again and ask to get together. It would be worth it to me for the sake of the boys. And I would tell your son the truth, but lightly, if it didn't work out--"I asked them to get together, but haven't heard back, so they must be out of town" or "I asked them to get together, but they already have other plans." No big meta conversation about whether or not you ever will see them again. And I'd probably help him write to his friend if he wants to. At that age, it's reasonable to have some contact that isn't only directed through the parents, I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 be honest. we moved across town a few years back and my friend dropped us fast! It hurt my kids so much to lose their best friends. I was always offering to come her way...but she chose to find closer friends. It hurt but I was honest with my kids that the mom didn't put us in their priority anymore and I can do nothing about it. So tell your ds he could write a letter to his friend, but the mom hasn't gotten back to you about visiting. If the other child wants to keep in touch they will. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BatmansWife Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I think I would tell him "I've let his mom know that we'll be in the area. I haven't heard back though. They might be really busy or out of town." :iagree: Is your son still friends with the other boy? Does the other mom let her son stay in contact with your son? Your son would be 15 now, right? I'm just thinking that maybe your son and the other boy aren't all that close anymore anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be as big of a deal to him that you think it would be. I wouldn't lie. What Jean suggested was exactly what I was going to say. I wouldn't explain anymore details than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Your post made me sad. I'm so sorry for both you and your son. We had something similar although not a totally long term, invested relationship like you're describing. My boys still talk about their friends. Breaks my heart. Here's why I'd be honest with your son. . . he has a gut feeling and I have a strong belief in teaching kids to trust/honor their gut feelings. I think it can serve them well throughout life. If you lie to him, he automatically thinks, "huh. I could have sworn something deeper was happening. Guess I was wrong." So I'd say something along the lines of. . . "I bet you're aware that something's happened. Let's talk." Then I'd give him a cleaned up version and say, "I'm very sad about this. How are you feeling?" I might even show him a bunch of "faces" with different feelings and ask him to pick the one that he feels like. Again, I'm so sorry. To give up a friendship because one homeschools. How sad. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I think I would tell him "I've let his mom know that we'll be in the area. I haven't heard back though. They might be really busy or out of town." I agree. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Tell him the truth, you have emailed to see if arrangements can be made and nothing so far so you probably won't get to see your friend this time. That way you are telling the truth without saying never again. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 No, her ds is only 8 now; he wasn't 8 when the friendship started. :iagree: Is your son still friends with the other boy? Does the other mom let her son stay in contact with your son? Your son would be 15 now, right? I'm just thinking that maybe your son and the other boy aren't all that close anymore anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be as big of a deal to him that you think it would be. I wouldn't lie. What Jean suggested was exactly what I was going to say. I wouldn't explain anymore details than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy2BaMom Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies. It helps me think straight during this time of heartache for me/us. Here's why I'd be honest with your son. . . he has a gut feeling and I have a strong belief in teaching kids to trust/honor their gut feelings. I think it can serve them well throughout life. I appreciated this, above, as I also believe in teaching children to listen to their gut feelings. Will do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 No, her ds is only 8 now; he wasn't 8 when the friendship started. I actually thought the same thing she did until I came back later and re-read. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Your post made me sad. I'm so sorry for both you and your son. We had something similar although not a totally long term, invested relationship like you're describing. My boys still talk about their friends. Breaks my heart. Here's why I'd be honest with your son. . . he has a gut feeling and I have a strong belief in teaching kids to trust/honor their gut feelings. I think it can serve them well throughout life. If you lie to him, he automatically thinks, "huh. I could have sworn something deeper was happening. Guess I was wrong." So I'd say something along the lines of. . . "I bet you're aware that something's happened. Let's talk." Then I'd give him a cleaned up version and say, "I'm very sad about this. How are you feeling?" I might even show him a bunch of "faces" with different feelings and ask him to pick the one that he feels like. Again, I'm so sorry. To give up a friendship because one homeschools. How sad. Alley Exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Having had friendships fizzle...here is something for you to ponder. When a friend has become distance, it is often because of something in her life, not mine. Do not blame something you may have done to make her mad. It is not you; it is her. And it might be something she is trying to hide from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radiobrain Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Be honest. Also, who knows what she has said to her son about the whole thing. I wouldn't try very hard to reestablish contact at this point for your son. Likelihood is that they won't have as much in common, and it could be worse than NOT seeing him in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I would not involve your son in your relationship issues. It would be a burden on him. I would just say, "It's not going to work out to get together this time." Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mae Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I also know she distanced everyone else who was out of her area at around the same time, so I'm guessing she made the decision that something had to go, and long-distance friendships were one of those. I wonder if your friend is going through depression? I had that happen to me once. I thought for years that a good friend of mine decided she didn't like me anymore because I was just too annoying. But it turned out she had depression and very low vitamin D levels. And now we are better friend than we were before, and I've even moved across the state! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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