Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 We would not stay friends very long if I trusted you enough to allow my child to sleep at your house and you did not trust me in the same way. If you want the girls to stay friends, then I would say no sleep overs period. Even then, it's hard to believe they would remain good friends long term. The other mother would probably find someone more compatible. You may need to find someone more compatible too. Just my opinion, Karen I appreciate your opinion, but are you saying that little girls must have sleepovers to remain friends long term? Like I've already said, none of Anna's other friends' parents have a problem with our policy. They respect us and our decisions. It is honestly a respect issue, not a sleepover issue. I don't tell other people how to parent their children, and I expect the same treatment. If that makes me incompatible with people, then I guess we can't remain friends. I would hate to think I had to parent the exact same way as another parent for our children to remain friends. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 :iagree:I understand your view, although it's not what we did. However, I would be deeply offended if you thought it was okay for my child to stay overnight at your house but not okay for yours to come to mine. I would take that very personally as it is a double standard, and I would feel untrusted. If you didn't do sleepovers in either direction, I would not take it personally. Hope that makes sense. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I appreciate this discussion, even those of you who think I am weird. ;) I don't have time to respond to every single post, but I will say that you, Aelwydd, really have no right to call me "extremely strict and controlling" when you know about me other than the fact that I will not allow my dds to attend sleepovers. Yes, I said it was a trust, safety and control issue, the control part being that I have control of what the kids are watching and doing if they are in MY home. And as I said previously in this thread, there certainly are particular trust issues with this family that I won't discuss here. If you really knew me, you would agree I am far from "extremely strict and controlling". I hope my dd does now lose her best friend over something like a sleepover. If anything, she will lose her best friend because the bf's mother cannot respect my decisions. I don't know you, Nakia, and I didn't call you "strict and controlling." I said your parenting style struck me as being so, in this regard. I also said that it's your business, and therefore, it doesn't matter what others think. I'm a blunt person, and since you questioned whether what you are "weird" or not, I responded. I don't think you're weird. I just think your standards are strict. Kids usually like sleepovers, and to go your whole childhood without one seems, to me, a sad thing. But life goes on. I hope your dd doesn't lose her bf; but you can't help it if her bf's mother decides to take offense at the one-sided nature of the sleepovers, and breaks up a friendship over it. Hopefully, she will chill and not take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Nakia - I get it, hon. :grouphug: This momma needs to respect your authority over your own child. People like that get up my nose, too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Nakia - I get it, hon. :grouphug: This momma needs to respect your authority over your own child. People like that get up my nose, too. :grouphug: Thank you!! I mean, really, it has little to do with the actual sleepover part. It is about questioning our parenting decisions over and over and over... It just makes me :willy_nilly: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 When I was a kid the only families we had sleepovers with were cousins. My kids have had sleepoverswith various friends back and forth (our house and theirs) over the past several years. Recetnly we've concluded that there's nothing really that goes on at a sleepover that can't be done during the day/evening, other than lack of sleep. We're now instituting a We're Done With Sleepovers Policy. When we're asked why (since we were okay with it before), we simply tell them that our sons are completely out of sorts for the next day or two after a sleepover (usually due to the lack of sleep). So we're comfortable changing our minds on this. If someone is having a sleepover, or special occasion Birthday Sleepover, we'll let our sons attend up to a certain time, and then pick them up. (other parents have done this with us before when we had a big Birthday Sleepover last year, and I certainly respect their stance on that!) Honestly, it's a hassle for the parents (my husband always got a fitful sleep nearby the room where the kids were sleeping so he could nip any nonsense in the bud, which he at times had to do). Kids' behavior tends to get worse in this situation. The aim of the evening seems to be how much they can get away with. We're done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) I don't know you, Nakia, and I didn't call you "strict and controlling." I said your parenting style struck me as being so, in this regard. We don't do sleepovers often. So I was a tad ruffled by the words "strict and controlling" style. I can totally understand how you would perceive it that way, but no sleepovers does not mean no fun. And we are definitely not strict or controlling in our parenting style. Some of our friends would call us liberal, some conservative, & others just understand we all have different ideas regarding things like this. The fact that we don't participate in sleepovers absolutely nothing to do with strictness. It is not harsh and our children do not live austere, deprived lives. We are not controlling. We are not paranoid or mistrustful of other parents. We're simply taking the precautions that we feel are necessary. Edited June 3, 2011 by Clairelise spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 We don't do sleepovers often. So I was a tad ruffled ny the words "strict and controlling" style. I can totally understand how you would perceive it that way, but no sleepovers does not mean no fun. And we are definitely not strict or controlling in our parenting style. Some of our friends would call us liberal, some conservative, & others just understand we all have different ideas regarding things like this. The fact that we don't participate in sleepovers absolutely nothing to do with strictness. It is not harsh and our children do not live austere, deprived lives. We are not controlling. We are not paranoid or mistrustful of other parents. We're simply taking the precautions that we feel are necessary. I get that. Which is why I said, life goes on. Far worse things for a kid to be deprived of. The reason why Nakia's position struck me as particularly limiting, was not simply because it forbade sleepovers; I can understand banning sleepovers completely, from a safety issue, or even from the standpoint of not wanting to allow a situation where her dh could be accused of something untoward. That's a significant concern these days, too. But, she's okay with sleepovers, so long as they are at her home, and therefore under her control. It's different from disallowing them altogether, because it appears as if she's not just trying to control her own kids' environment, but is quite fine with assuming that kind of responsibility for other families' kids, only without reciprocation. As I have said twice already, and will keep saying, it's HER BUSINESS if that's how she rolls. However, by posting on a thread like this, and seeking to elicit the feedback of others, you're going to get a wide range of reactions. I'm sorry that mine seems to have grated so much, but it honestly wasn't meant to be personal. It was a subjective observation, based on my perception of the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Then my style of parenting is also controlling! (if I can't quite work my way up to strict) There are definitely certain types of movies and videogames I don't want my kids seeing/watching. With most of the kids' friends I generally know the parent well enough to know what will/won't be allowed. There are others I don't, or they have funky situations (parents on second divorce, older teens from both sides all over the house) and no, my kids are simply not allowed at his house without a parent. (we have escorted the kids there for pool parties) So I've got a Controlling Double Standard going on. I guess I'm not ready to let my kids be supervised by people I don't trust to do the job. Anyone is welcome at our house if they behave nicely and follow our rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I get that. Which is why I said, life goes on. Far worse things for a kid to be deprived of. The reason why Nakia's position struck me as particularly limiting, was not simply because it forbade sleepovers; I can understand banning sleepovers completely, from a safety issue, or even from the standpoint of not wanting to allow a situation where her dh could be accused of something untoward. That's a significant concern these days, too. But, she's okay with sleepovers, so long as they are at her home, and therefore under her control. It's different from disallowing them altogether, because it appears as if she's not just trying to control her own kids' environment, but is quite fine with assuming that kind of responsibility for other families' kids, only without reciprocation. As I have said twice already, and will keep saying, it's HER BUSINESS if that's how she rolls. However, by posting on a thread like this, and seeking to elicit the feedback of others, you're going to get a wide range of reactions. I'm sorry that mine seems to have grated so much, but it honestly wasn't meant to be personal. It was a subjective observation, based on my perception of the situation. No need to boldface or shout. Why? I was trying to discuss in a friendly manner and I didn't think we were in a huge disagreement. I agree with a good deal of what you said and I was just pointing out that the words "strict" and "controlling" sounded harsh to me. But I suppose it is all in how we define those words. To me, they sound very negative, as did your tone in your response to me. I'm re-reading what I read, and please (I mean this sincerely) point out if any of that came off as sarcastic or argumentative. I really wasn't looking to argue and I didn't think it would provoke that kind of response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah, "strict and controlling" sound like pejoratives. It would be similar to calling the Pro-sleepover parents "lax and indifferent" vs something more flattering like "relaxed and trusting," or somesuch. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 No need to boldface or shout. Why?[/Quote] To emphasize that I am not trying to change Nakia's position? That, regardless of my own stance, I think she's entitled to her standards? I was trying to discuss in a friendly manner and I didn't think we were in a huge disagreement. I agree with a good deal of what you said and I was just pointing out that the words "strict" and "controlling" sounded harsh to me. But I suppose it is all in how we define those words. To me, they sound very negative, as did your tone in your response to me. I'm re-reading what I read, and please (I mean this sincerely) point out if any of that came off as sarcastic or argumentative. I really wasn't looking to argue and I didn't think it would provoke that kind of response. No problem. You're not sounding sarcastic, and I apologize if I sounded like I was shouting at you. I was trying to be emphatic, that my negative response to her situation, should not be construed as me attempting to chide her or get her to change her mind. In my second response to Nakia, I clarified that the "strict and controlling" descriptors were meant to apply in this single aspect, i.e., overnight stays with others. I can understand Nakie and others taking offense at me making a judgment about their entire parenting methods, and, frankly, I quite agree with her that I don't know enough about her family to make any such assumption. Anyway, though I did criticize her sleepover rules, it wasn't meant to be personal criticism of her, her family, or others here who agree with her. Does that make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah, "strict and controlling" sound like pejoratives. It would be similar to calling the Pro-sleepover parents "lax and indifferent" vs something more flattering like "relaxed and trusting," or somesuch. :D You could certainly make that criticism, but to be completely analogous to what I said, it would need to be phrased thusly: "The parenting style of sleep-over parents reflects a lax or indifferent standard." Excellent use of the word "pejorative" BTW! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWSJ Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Quid pro quo for sleepovers seem odd to me. Our family doesn't do sleepovers. I've met so many parents that would dump their kid(s) on another family they know nothing about. If my child was asked over to someone's house, I'd need to talk to the child's parent(s), ask a few questions, visit, have dinner with them, etc. Something like: Do you keep all your guns locked up? Do you smoke in front of your children? What kind of movies/television do you watch? I would want to guage what is (in)appropriate to them. If the parents felt the questons were too much, then that tells me something. I've met many that have no boundaries. Trust is earned. I'm willing to offend for the safety of my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 My thoughts go something like this: There is nothing you need to do with your friends AFTER 11 pm that you can't do BEFORE 11pm. :D Neither of my kids like sleeping anywhere else. They love to hang out with friends but they want to sleep in their own beds. Nakia, let's just start our own "weird-controlling-strict-no-sleepover" parent's club. You wanna be president? I will happily be your VP. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aprilleigh Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Actually, although I remember attending and hosting sleep-overs as a child, I couldn't tell you a single thing, good or bad, that happened at any of them. I can describe various other parties from the same time period. That may explain my stance that sleep-overs are not a necessary rite of childhood. I'm not truly against them, either, since I have permitted my son to spend the night at a friend's house whose daughter is one of his best friends. I trust them, and when it comes right down to it, that's all I really have to say about it. He's not allowed to spend the night at my mother's house without me because I have BIG problems with some of the things my mother does lately, but my ILs, my dad's ex-wife that I still refer to as my stepmom, and my brothers are all fine by me. My dad and his new wife I'm not so sure of, but recent developments have me leaning towards "okay." That's a crazy, and OT, story all by itself. That said, unless I have issues with a particular child's behavior, sleep-overs at our house are okay. I have no problem adhering to rules other parents have that are stricter than mine, whether they be about food or media content or whatever, but I need to be confident I can expect the same consideration in return. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. :iagree: with this. I don't let my kids do sleep overs but we don't do sleep overs period whether at our home or at anothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I appreciate your opinion, but are you saying that little girls must have sleepovers to remain friends long term? Like I've already said, none of Anna's other friends' parents have a problem with our policy. They respect us and our decisions. It is honestly a respect issue, not a sleepover issue. I don't tell other people how to parent their children, and I expect the same treatment. If that makes me incompatible with people, then I guess we can't remain friends. I would hate to think I had to parent the exact same way as another parent for our children to remain friends. :confused: No, I'm saying if you want your child to remain friends with this child, you are going to have to come up with a compromise. I agree it is a respect issue, and apparently you do not respect the other parents. You need to find another parent with a daughter who feels the same way that you do. I think it is unlikely the girls will continue to be friends if the relationship remains one sided, because it obviously bothers the other mom. I hope you are able to work something out. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. That was my first thought. You are free to create whatever rules work best for you, but basically what you are saying is, "My home is a safe place but yours isn't." That would definitely rankle. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) That was my first thought. You are free to create whatever rules work best for you, but basically what you are saying is, "My home is a safe place but yours isn't." That would definitely rankle. I really think it's more like, "I know for sure that my home is a safe place, but I don't know for sure that yours is. I'm not willing to risk my child's safety to find out (or to make you feel good)." Edited June 3, 2011 by mandymom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I'm always amazed at some of the parents who are willing to drop their kids off at my house when they don't know me from Adam. I'd be more than happy to have at least a phone conversation of course, but I guess they are assuming we're Safe People. Or, they don't care if we are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cshell Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I think you are a very wise & discerning mother!:hurray: Your daughter is so blessed to have a mother who cares so much!!:party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 One last comment from this "weirdo." We had a sleepover last weekend where the 11 year -- a super nice jewel of a child, I thought -- stole a bunch of stuff. (Even more than I said on here it turns out. Through the week more and more was missing.) But my boys finally told me that she took her underwear down to go to the bathroom in front of my boys and her little brother. She did it quite pointedly. I asked my boys what happened then and one said, "we jammed out of there!" After that I knew what happened, I'd been walking in and out and didn't really leave the bedroom area until they were asleep. I'm not going through this sort of thing again. I'd known this homeschool girl for over a year and had her into our apt. making cookies etc. many, many times. This was very unexpected. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 We're going to be real Joy Killers when the co-ed sleepovers start. Around here that happens in highschool! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 No, I'm saying if you want your child to remain friends with this child, you are going to have to come up with a compromise. I agree it is a respect issue, and apparently you do not respect the other parents. You need to find another parent with a daughter who feels the same way that you do. I think it is unlikely the girls will continue to be friends if the relationship remains one sided, because it obviously bothers the other mom. I hope you are able to work something out. Karen Thanks, Karen. I do appreciate your opinion. I have been thinking about it, and you are right. I have little respect for this particular family for reasons I'm not getting into. But, again, Anna's other friends' families do not have problems with our decision, and I have tons of respect for them, which they reciprocate. I do believe that Anna and this particular friend will not continue to be friends in the future because of our very drastically different views on so many things, and while it makes me sad for the girls, life goes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 My thoughts go something like this: There is nothing you need to do with your friends AFTER 11 pm that you can't do BEFORE 11pm. :D Neither of my kids like sleeping anywhere else. They love to hang out with friends but they want to sleep in their own beds. Nakia, let's just start our own "weird-controlling-strict-no-sleepover" parent's club. You wanna be president? I will happily be your VP. :tongue_smilie: WOW! I've never been president of anything before! I'll do it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 A former friend was arrested last year for sexual exploitation and statuatory rape of minors, someone whose child would previously have been on the sleepover potentials list. That, combined with my own childhood experience with inappropriate conduct from adults, means that I don't trust non-family members with our kids. Even long-time friends, I'm sorry to say. We won't be sending our kids out to anyone other than parents and a few trusted family members. Then again, I love the half-sleepover idea! PJs, making popcorn, watching movies and playing games, then heading home late at night. Great! Thanks for that idea. :) I guess I'm joining the club. And I'm a liberal too. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 The only strict stipulation I have with my ds spending the night is that the home he will be staying at does not contain any GUNS. I live in Texas, where it seems like everyone and their dog has a gun. I am way more paranoid about ds being enthusiastically "shown" a gun his friend's dad or big brother owns and that just happens to also be loaded. Also, dangerous breeds of dogs are also a no-go. Got a pit bull? German Shepherd? It may be a lovely amazing dog that babysits the toddler, but ds is not spending the night. Yup, I ask about guns... It's also one of our biggies here. Won't get into an argument on here about it... But my husband and kids are good shots.... But guns at the house are on the... well... if you wanna break in my house... sure... we have a loaded gun. If your kid is spending the night.. I'll tell you the truth :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Then again, I love the half-sleepover idea! PJs, making popcorn, watching movies and playing games, then heading home late at night. Great! Thanks for that idea. :) I guess I'm joining the club. And I'm a liberal too. :) This might be making an incorrect assumption that everything happens to the child while they sleep.... That's not when most molestation/rape occurs... if I'm right about what I think I've read.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks, Karen. I do appreciate your opinion. I have been thinking about it, and you are right. I have little respect for this particular family for reasons I'm not getting into. But, again, Anna's other friends' families do not have problems with our decision, and I have tons of respect for them, which they reciprocate. I do believe that Anna and this particular friend will not continue to be friends in the future because of our very drastically different views on so many things, and while it makes me sad for the girls, life goes on. It sounds like you have worked this out in your mind. I really think it's just as important for the parents to be compatible, as it is for the kids to get along. Families with very different parenting styles/priorities aren't likely to remain close. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 ....none of Anna's other friends' parents have a problem with our policy. They respect us and our decisions. It is honestly a respect issue, not a sleepover issue. I don't tell other people how to parent their children, and I expect the same treatment. If that makes me incompatible with people, then I guess we can't remain friends. I would hate to think I had to parent the exact same way as another parent for our children to remain friends. :confused: My guess is that some respect your decision and some mumble with their husbands and other friends that it's crazy. Still comes back to your kids.... and your rules... I'm guessing that you're just not getting flack from those who love you more... than they are surprised that your girls can't spend the night. Everyone can disagree... but in our circle... it was weird that my daughter's friends basically all had a "no spending the night" policy... while my older daughters.... their friends could. My daughter's first "whew... I like ps" was when she realized that she could have what she considers "normal" friends who are allowed to breath and spend the night. Just tossin' out the idea... that maybe... as your girls get older... this may change. My friend from college days was molested by a deacon at the church her father preached at... during her time at church. Seriously, it can happen anytime... and that's what you have to be careful about... in my opinion. Good thing about parenting... you can have any opinion... and it's your kids... and their feelings about it... that you have to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I have a question. It isn't exactly the same type of situation, but I'm wondering. If your child had a friend whose parents did not allow their child to have any type of sweets, would you respect and honor that, even if you thought a sweet every now and then was completely harmless and that their decision was weird? Or would you question the parent many times with things such as, "Well, this weekend, we are planning to have ice cream sundaes so can she have that?" or "Can she have a candy bar at our house today?" or "Can I bring your son a bag of M&Ms today?" And after you said no multiple times, what if she looked at your child and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you have this junk food one way or another!" Would you tolerate that? Would you end the friendship? What would you do? Would you be frustrated? Even if you thought it was totally weird, wouldn't you still respect it and let it go? Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 My guess is that some respect your decision and some mumble with their husbands and other friends that it's crazy. Still comes back to your kids.... and your rules... I'm guessing that you're just not getting flack from those who love you more... than they are surprised that your girls can't spend the night. Everyone can disagree... but in our circle... it was weird that my daughter's friends basically all had a "no spending the night" policy... while my older daughters.... their friends could. My daughter's first "whew... I like ps" was when she realized that she could have what she considers "normal" friends who are allowed to breath and spend the night. Just tossin' out the idea... that maybe... as your girls get older... this may change. My friend from college days was molested by a deacon at the church her father preached at... during her time at church. Seriously, it can happen anytime... and that's what you have to be careful about... in my opinion. Good thing about parenting... you can have any opinion... and it's your kids... and their feelings about it... that you have to consider. I'm really not trying to be rude, really, but it's kind of hard for me to follow your post because of the ellipses, but what I think you are saying is that your dd was much happier with friends who were allowed to do sleepovers. That's great. I'm very glad it worked out for you. What do you mean by "allowed to breath"? Just wondering. I do believe that molestation can happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone. I do understand that. And yes, we might change our stance on some things as our girls get older, but for now, this is our decision and it stands, whether our kids, their friends, their friends' parents, whoever, like it or not. They can mumble all they want. ;) I really appreciate your thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I have a question. It isn't exactly the same type of situation, but I'm wondering. If your child had a friend whose parents did not allow their child to have any type of sweets, would you respect and honor that, even if you thought a sweet every now and then was completely harmless and that their decision was weird? Or would you question the parent many times with things such as, "Well, this weekend, we are planning to have ice cream sundaes so can she have that?" or "Can she have a candy bar at our house today?" or "Can I bring your son a bag of M&Ms today?" And after you said no multiple times, what if she looked at your child and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you have this junk food one way or another!" Would you tolerate that? Would you end the friendship? What would you do? Would you be frustrated? Even if you thought it was totally weird, wouldn't you still respect it and let it go? Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. I would never do what you mention in your second paragraph. That is where the disrespect comes in, not in the repeated questions. Undermining someone as a parent is disrespectful and unacceptable, and eventually it would ruin the trust needed for a good friendship. But for the first question, I think that I would still ask the parent, but individually and separately. I'd say, "We are serving xxx at this gathering. Do you want yyyy to be permitted to have some, or do you want to tell her not to take any and leave it up to her, or do you want me to enforce your rule?" Saying that I shouldn't serve that would be a non-starter, because that would be disrespecting me as a parent. Yet most parents who are anti-sugar want to tell others not to serve it, and that tends to get people's backs up whenever the subject of sugar comes up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I have a question. It isn't exactly the same type of situation, but I'm wondering. If your child had a friend whose parents did not allow their child to have any type of sweets, would you respect and honor that, even if you thought a sweet every now and then was completely harmless and that their decision was weird? Or would you question the parent many times with things such as, "Well, this weekend, we are planning to have ice cream sundaes so can she have that?" or "Can she have a candy bar at our house today?" or "Can I bring your son a bag of M&Ms today?" And after you said no multiple times, what if she looked at your child and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you have this junk food one way or another!" Would you tolerate that? Would you end the friendship? What would you do? Would you be frustrated? Even if you thought it was totally weird, wouldn't you still respect it and let it go? Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. I just searched this thread for the words "weird" and "wierd" :tongue_smilie:. Nakia, you were the first person to use the word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) . Edited June 7, 2011 by Mejane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yes, unsinkable, you are right. Thank you for being quick to point out my blunder. :rolleyes: I was the first to use it, and it was quickly confirmed by many. I honestly don't mind being weird. We are all weird, right? What is normal anyway? "Creepy" hurt a bit, as I'm sure you can imagine. I really want to thank you all for your posts. It is always an "experience" to read a thread like this. I am bowing out of my own thread now. I will admit to getting my feelings hurt a bit and truly, in my op, I was not asking for advice. Just venting, ranting, getting something off my chest. Of course, I put myself out there, and things progressed from there, as is the nature of TWTM boards. Carry on if you desire. Blessings, Nakia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I have a question. It isn't exactly the same type of situation, but I'm wondering. If your child had a friend whose parents did not allow their child to have any type of sweets, would you respect and honor that, even if you thought a sweet every now and then was completely harmless and that their decision was weird? Or would you question the parent many times with things such as, "Well, this weekend, we are planning to have ice cream sundaes so can she have that?" or "Can she have a candy bar at our house today?" or "Can I bring your son a bag of M&Ms today?" And after you said no multiple times, what if she looked at your child and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you have this junk food one way or another!" Would you tolerate that? Would you end the friendship? What would you do? Would you be frustrated? Even if you thought it was totally weird, wouldn't you still respect it and let it go? Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. :iagree: This sort of thing drives me crazy! Sometimes people think you'll "get over it" or your stance will change as the girls get older. I've told people, "This is my policy, I'll let you know if it changes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I have a question. It isn't exactly the same type of situation, but I'm wondering. If your child had a friend whose parents did not allow their child to have any type of sweets, would you respect and honor that, even if you thought a sweet every now and then was completely harmless and that their decision was weird? Or would you question the parent many times with things such as, "Well, this weekend, we are planning to have ice cream sundaes so can she have that?" or "Can she have a candy bar at our house today?" or "Can I bring your son a bag of M&Ms today?" And after you said no multiple times, what if she looked at your child and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you have this junk food one way or another!" Would you tolerate that? Would you end the friendship? What would you do? Would you be frustrated? Even if you thought it was totally weird, wouldn't you still respect it and let it go? Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. This all boils down to the fact that she doesn't respect your parenting choices, as you already know. I think you can allow your dd to have this friend with the boundaries in place. The issue is that you and the mom are not destined to be great friends because she doesn't respect you. And your dd is old enough to understand she has to obey your rules and ignore the other mom's comments. My dd has a friend who was never allowed sleepovers, no artificial sweeter, all organic, etc. I respect that. She is quite controlling with her daughter's food portions too. Now, the mom knows and has told me it's okay that not all the food at my house is organic, and she's okay with that, and I clear it with her that the girl is allowed 2 pieces of pizza or whatever it is. But I would NEVER feed her child artificial sweeteners when the mom has expressly told me they aren't allowed. And I never invited her dd over for a sleepover knowing they weren't allowed. Yes, I had that fleeting thought that maybe she didn't trust our family in some ways. But she didn't allow sleepovers ANYWHERE with ANYONE. That's fine for her and I will respect it. Honestly though, this mom is kinda high maintenance in all areas. She is a great friend of mine, but I do roll my eyes at many of the things she feels she has to control. My opinion is that her parenting is very fear based and I know for a fact that this has translated to the daughter's worldview. I think this kind of thing is a topic for another thread, but I just wanted to share that to me, even if she completely disagrees with you and thinks you are controlling or weird or whatever, she must respect your parenting choices and not undermine you in front of the kid. It's just wrong on all levels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Alley, I am horrified at what happened with your sleepover story! To be honest, I would never have a girl, much less one 4 years older, sleepover with my boys, but sheesh, that is crazy! My kids love sleepovers. We are picky about whose house they go to, and who they have over here. They only stay over somewhere if we know and trust the family. They only have friends over who won't be driving me crazy by morning. I keep a pretty close eye on them. With two boys close in age, they typically have friends over at the same time and so the dynamic among all 4 has to be good as well. It's a fine art, lol! Nakia, I really feel it's your kids, your rules. I definitely think you deserve respect on your decisions, and this woman's smiling but undermining approach is offensive. I can see why you would be peeved. Since you've already told her your stance on the sleepovers, I don't know if you should remind her, ignore her, or distance the friendship. But she isn't leaving you many other options to deal with this gracefully! My other thought is, and maybe this is way off base, but the friendships I have with my kids' friends families are many times a very good thing, both for me and the boys. These are the friends I can see them having all through childhood and beyond, so we want to invest in the friendships. But the relationship with the parents is important too. I have someone I can call on for help/advice, my kids see me helping them, my kids see the areas where we are different from other families but still get along and respect each other. It would be so sad to me if I didn't have anyone I could trust like that. It's doubly important to me because we do not have family nearby that we can count on. Clearly this friend is not going to fit into that category, but maybe there is another friendship you could invest in now that would lead to that level of trust? Or maybe *I'm* the weird one, lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Like I said, I know it's different because of the fact that I allow sleepovers at my house no matter how "creepy" and "weird" I have been accused of being, but the principle is the same. It is about respect. Plain and simple. Here's the rub. She respects you enough to allow her child to sleep over at your house, but *it appears to her* that you don't respect her enough to allow your child to sleep over at hers. I really think *that's* the problem. She's probably having a hard time wrapping her brain around the idea that you don't *appear to* respect her, so she thinks if she pesters you enough you'll change your mind. The candy analogy doesn't work. If you don't allow your daughter to eat candy, it doesn't really affect her friend. However, if you don't allow your daughter to spend the night, then the friend misses out on hosting a friend and sharing special memories at *her* home. Gotta run...my son has a sleepover to go to. :D Edited June 3, 2011 by Oak Knoll Mom clarity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I think that we should move on to less controversial topics like shopping carts, crockpots and whether or not to wear shoes in the house. Just kidding. But, before I go, Nakia I do have one quick question: Can your kids spend the night at my house? We're gonna have a great time. Think about it and lemme know, k? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. Yes, unsinkable, you are right. Thank you for being quick to point out my blunder. :rolleyes: I was the first to use it, and it was quickly confirmed by many. I honestly don't mind being weird. We are all weird, right? What is normal anyway? "Creepy" hurt a bit, as I'm sure you can imagine. I really want to thank you all for your posts. It is always an "experience" to read a thread like this. I am bowing out of my own thread now. I will admit to getting my feelings hurt a bit and truly, in my op, I was not asking for advice. Just venting, ranting, getting something off my chest. Of course, I put myself out there, and things progressed from there, as is the nature of TWTM boards. Carry on if you desire. Blessings, Nakia I know you're gone but I need to get this off my chest. I don't think I deserved the sarcastic eye roll smiley. I agreed with you earlier in the thread, that parents make decisions for their kids and don't own anyone an explanation. I also never called you weird. Post #8 reminds me of asking, "Does this make me look fat?" but there is really only ONE answer the questioner wants to hear. (No, of course not!) You got quite a bit of support for your views, including from me, but I already said that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) . Edited June 6, 2011 by Colleen in NS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I don't think I deserved the sarcastic eye roll smiley. I think she was rolling her eyes at herself - her blunder. I saw it as her being sheepish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 This might be making an incorrect assumption that everything happens to the child while they sleep.... That's not when most molestation/rape occurs... if I'm right about what I think I've read.. You're right, of course. I guess I'm putting my hope in the fact that it's a limited period of time and that people are awake together. Safety in numbers, or something like that. The whole thing makes me nervous, honestly, and it bothers me that I'm bothered. I'd like to be trusting. I miss that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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