How to have boundaries w/o our kids resenting us?

[I.Dup.]

I try to give myself selflessly over to my children at all times, but all humans need some sort of boundary. When I'm pregnant, I need more quiet and alone time so I often go in my room for an hour or so after my husband gets home. I spend more time on the computer than I should during the day. I worry that my children will resent me for these things. I just read on another thread that a grown woman refuses to homeschool her own children because "her mother retreated to her room as soon as the dad got home" :001_huh: Ummm...I do that sometimes. Granted, I DO resent my mom for many things and that doesn't help my paranoia in this area. But my mom is mentally ill and didn't really even try.

 

How much should we worry about our individual decisions causing our children to resent us? Does every child grow up to think their parent did a cr@p job? If you know your parents did right by you, what made that difference?

[SailorMom]

Personally, I think a healthy mom has her own time, hobbies, friends, activities, interests, etc.

I don't think taking an hour or so a day for yourself is bad. Now - the computer may not be the best way to spend it (and maybe that is why you feel guilty) - but drinking a cup of tea and reading a book, exercising, getting ourside to garden, etc - balance is key.

Perhaps this girl thought the world revolved around her and any time her mom spent away from her was bad? When we spend all day HS-ing our kids, of course we should get a break.

[sewingmama]

. I just read on another thread that a grown woman refuses to homeschool her own children because "her mother retreated to her room as soon as the dad got home"

 

Maybe this mother went to her room and spent the entire evening in there - I can see how that would cause resentment - i.e. my mother only wants to interact with me when we do school - or I must be such a trial to my mother because after spending a day with me she needs a whole evening to recover.

 

I don't think spending a small amount of time in your room to regroup is detrimental - I think spending large amounts of time can be misconstrued by kids as being ignored.

 

I know with my own kids that even at their young age they are usually happy to give me time alone for between 30 mins to an hour and they happily entertain themselves. However after that time they will start becoming "naughty" in attempts to grab my attention. Yesterday I spent a bit too long on the computer :blush5: and my 20 month old came into the room and grabbed the garbage can and held it upside down and purposely emptied it out in front of me . That was the end of computer time :lol:

 

I remember when I was a a teen (around 18) and we got our first internet connection. My mum would spend many hours at a time online and I would be trying to tell her something about my day and she would just answer with Hmm yeah that sounds great with her eyes focused on the screen. I remember really resenting that - not because I was hungry for attention all the time but I felt very ignored - having to wait a couple hours till she was done before I had her full attention.

 

I think a limited time out is just fine but hours every day is probably not a great idea because of the message it could be unwittingly sending to your child.:001_smile:

Edited April 19, 2011 by sewingmama

[Rosie_0801]

A mature person will look back and make their peace with whatever their parents did if they can see they tried to do their best with what they had.

 

My mother was depressed and slept 18 hours a day for quite a long period. We'd leave for school and be lucky to get a grunt of farewell. Sometimes she was in bed (again or still, I don't know) when we got home. My sister has huge issues about all this, but my sister has some major chips on her shoulder anyway and Mum is an easy target. I, and our younger brother are over it. Well we were over it except for a period a year or two ago where she had perfected a disabled identity. That REALLY made us angry. Other than that, when she was awake, she did her best. Sure, there were things she couldn't do, but everyone has things they can't do.

 

My father hated his job, which made his natural tendency towards being negative even worse. About the only thing I can think of him doing regularly without being negative was making pancakes for breakfast on weekends. My sister is too busy dumping on Mum to have any gripes about Dad, and besides, she knows better than to bite the hand that feeds her. Our brother and I think he should have known better, but clearly he didn't so we're over it too. He's gone all weird on me again lately, but in general, we're both glad he's mellowed a bit. Perhaps, before he dies, he'll know happiness if it bites him on the bum. :lol:

 

Rosie

[Copswife]

Does every child grow up to think their parent did a cr@p job?

 

No. My husband thinks his parents did a good job. My parents, could have done a lot better, and also could have done a lot worse.

What we do is try to be better parents and learn from our parents mistakes. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think communication is key. If you just run off and slam the door, then it's easy for kids to get the wrong idea. But if you hug and kiss them and say, "Mom needs to be alone right now. Have fun with Dad!" then I think it will much less likely to be misunderstood.

[LibraryLover]

I do not think mature people think their parents did a crap job, unless they really did. I know my parents did the absolute best they could and loved me with their whole hearts.

Edited April 21, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Desert Rat]

My parents did an incredible job. I didn't realize how incredible until I was older and my parents told my their past abuses and neglect. They were 18 and 21 when I was born. When they found out they were pregnant with me, they made a conscious effort to not raise me as they were raised. They even went to parenting classes and bought books. Amazing!

I think, OP, that needing alone time is showing your children that you are human. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't need alone time as much but I do need personal space. I tell the kids that they can sit right on top of me for 10 minutes, then I need my body back. LOL

Moderation is everything.

[Mom0012]

I try to give myself selflessly over to my children at all times, but all humans need some sort of boundary. When I'm pregnant, I need more quiet and alone time so I often go in my room for an hour or so after my husband gets home. I spend more time on the computer than I should during the day. I worry that my children will resent me for these things. I just read on another thread that a grown woman refuses to homeschool her own children because "her mother retreated to her room as soon as the dad got home" :001_huh: Ummm...I do that sometimes. Granted, I DO resent my mom for many things and that doesn't help my paranoia in this area. But my mom is mentally ill and didn't really even try.

 

How much should we worry about our individual decisions causing our children to resent us? Does every child grow up to think their parent did a cr@p job? If you know your parents did right by you, what made that difference?

 

Well, the comment about the mom retreating to her room when the dad got home kind of rang a bell for me too. But, really, my husband's never done with work until 6 or 6:30 and my children go to bed at 8:00. Is that really so horrible, considering we've been together since 7:30 in the morning. I think that girl was also the one that argued with her mom all day?

 

I do spend a lot of time doing school with my kids every day, but I also read to them for an hour a day (which they don't consider school) and I take them on field trips and talk to them and play games and do crafts with them. I used to be out on the bike trail with them daily until I got sick. If my spending some time alone in the evenings causes them to not want to homeschool, then really, I think that is their issue. Now, if my daughter comes up and asks me to watch something with her at night, I will, but I don't seek the kids out at that time other than to tuck them in for the night.

 

As far as my parents go, I hit the jackpot. I have wonderful, caring, loving parents. They were actually very hands off when I was growing up but they were always there for me. There were times when they made extreme sacrifices for me, which I still think of fairly often. They did not "play" with me, but they took us places on the weekends and I was practically glued to my mom during my teen years. (The woman has the patience of a saint.) There are things I have/do resent at times but our relationship is so strong, I just do my best to overlook those things (as I'm sure they do with me). I still spend one day a week with my parents and even though there have been a few rough patches, I know they would do anything for me, my husband or my kids and I would do anything for them.

 

Lisa

[fairfarmhand]

I see alot of mistakes that my parents made..I've been trying not to make the same ones, but I am sure I am making lots of different mistakes. They loved me, provided physically for me, and gave me the tools I needed to be successful and think for myself. They did the best they could with what they had at the time and the backgrounds that they had.

 

(I do wonder what my kids will tell their therapist when they are grown.)

 

 

OP if you need a break, it is all in how you term it. "Sweetheart, I love you to pieces, but I need some time alone to be a better mom. In a few hours we will have dessert and game time, but right now I need a break. Would you like to do a, b, or c with dad while I rest?"

[Meriwether]

My parents did an incredible job. I didn't realize how incredible until I was older and my parents told my their past abuses and neglect. They were 18 and 21 when I was born. When they found out they were pregnant with me, they made a conscious effort to not raise me as they were raised. They even went to parenting classes and bought books. Amazing!

I think, OP, that needing alone time is showing your children that you are human. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't need alone time as much but I do need personal space. I tell the kids that they can sit right on top of me for 10 minutes, then I need my body back. LOL

Moderation is everything.

 

This made me cry. What wonderful parents.

 

 

 

OP, I think the most important part of parenting is being there (not necessarily 24 hrs a day), doing things with the kids, and engaging with them at their level. When we were little my dad played Candyland with us. I hate playing Candyland with my kids, but I don't let them see that, because I remember Dad. Candyland became Skipbo, then Canasta, and then Spades. We played for hours in the evenings or Sunday afternoons. My husband, who didn't grow up doing things with his family, will drive over 6 hours one way to play cards with my family for a weekend. It isn't just card games. We worked and played together as a family. When hauling hay, Dad would build forts on the wagon as he went for us to sit in. Or if we all had to be outside when he was driving tractor and it was cold, we would all squeeze between his legs and the seat and let the heat from the engine warm us up. We still dyed Easter eggs in high school. Oh, the hunts we would have. One time my brother hid an egg in mom's coffee cup. It took half an hour to notice her smile everytime we walked by. We hid eggs up vents. We hollowed out apples. We had fun together.

 

I don't think parenting style matters nearly as much just putting in time. As Grandpop said, "The time you have for your kids when they are little is the time they'll have for you when they are grown." I like my alone time and I take it. I'll tell my kids to go play in the basement or go outside. Sometimes the older three and I will all be reading our books alone - together. But when I am with the kids, I try to be engaged with them. And I feel the time I spend with them should far outweigh the time I tell them to go play.

[Joanne]

I try to give myself selflessly over to my children at all times, but all humans need some sort of boundary. When I'm pregnant, I need more quiet and alone time so I often go in my room for an hour or so after my husband gets home. I spend more time on the computer than I should during the day. I worry that my children will resent me for these things. I just read on another thread that a grown woman refuses to homeschool her own children because "her mother retreated to her room as soon as the dad got home" :001_huh: Ummm...I do that sometimes. Granted, I DO resent my mom for many things and that doesn't help my paranoia in this area. But my mom is mentally ill and didn't really even try.

 

How much should we worry about our individual decisions causing our children to resent us? Does every child grow up to think their parent did a cr@p job? If you know your parents did right by you, what made that difference?

 

It's a complicated answer. A lot of it depends on your "paradigm" of motherhood.

 

It's been my personal experience that when my identity was Mother instead of Woman, my kids had an elevated idea of their status/place/importance in the world, especially in my world ;)

 

As I've dropped Mother as identity, moving it into "important role" status, my kids have matured, grown and so have I.

 

The thing about boundaries is that you can't make them with the "reactions" of others in mind. The need for boundaries implies that others are crossing them-we can't control others, particularly their thought process. If a boundary is needed, make the boundary.

 

Being a good mother is not synonymous with being child-centered 24/7. If you want, and insist on alone time, and your kids are developmentally ready to be left un - or intermittently supervised, take your time. If you want some down time after Dad comes home, take it.

[I.Dup.]

OP, I think the most important part of parenting is being there (not necessarily 24 hrs a day), doing things with the kids, and engaging with them at their level. When we were little my dad played Candyland with us. I hate playing Candyland with my kids, but I don't let them see that, because I remember Dad. Candyland became Skipbo, then Canasta, and then Spades. We played for hours in the evenings or Sunday afternoons. My husband, who didn't grow up doing things with his family, will drive over 6 hours one way to play cards with my family for a weekend. It isn't just card games. We worked and played together as a family. When hauling hay, Dad would build forts on the wagon as he went for us to sit in. Or if we all had to be outside when he was driving tractor and it was cold, we would all squeeze between his legs and the seat and let the heat from the engine warm us up. We still dyed Easter eggs in high school. Oh, the hunts we would have. One time my brother hid an egg in mom's coffee cup. It took half an hour to notice her smile everytime we walked by. We hid eggs up vents. We hollowed out apples. We had fun together.

 

I don't think parenting style matters nearly as much just putting in time. As Grandpop said, "The time you have for your kids when they are little is the time they'll have for you when they are grown." I like my alone time and I take it. I'll tell my kids to go play in the basement or go outside. Sometimes the older three and I will all be reading our books alone - together. But when I am with the kids, I try to be engaged with them. And I feel the time I spend with them should far outweigh the time I tell them to go play.

 

This is awesome. Was it normal for your mom or dad to be interacting with you everyday, most of the day? Or was it mainly a once a week thing that you would play games together, etc?

 

I am with my children all day, but we certainly aren't playing games together all day. A lot of the time they are entertaining themselves and playing together (under my supervision). I would love to have family game nights and more times like you've described. I think this will get easier as some of them get a little older, too.

 

The thing about boundaries is that you can't make them with the "reactions" of others in mind. The need for boundaries implies that others are crossing them-we can't control others, particularly their thought process. If a boundary is needed, make the boundary.

 

Being a good mother is not synonymous with being child-centered 24/7. If you want, and insist on alone time, and your kids are developmentally ready to be left un - or intermittently supervised, take your time. If you want some down time after Dad comes home, take it.

 

Good point, thank you. I guess being obsessed with what the other person is thinking kindof defeats the point of having boundaries. :tongue_smilie:

[Meriwether]

This is awesome. Was it normal for your mom or dad to be interacting with you everyday, most of the day? Or was it mainly a once a week thing that you would play games together, etc?

 

I am with my children all day, but we certainly aren't playing games together all day. A lot of the time they are entertaining themselves and playing together (under my supervision). I would love to have family game nights and more times like you've described. I think this will get easier as some of them get a little older, too.

 

/QUOTE]

 

We grew up in the country. My sister is 12 months older and my brother is 18 months younger than I am. We played together more than we played with Mom, but we didn't really see other people except at church until we started school. We went to public school so we were gone during the day, but if we were home we were doing things with siblings or parents. It wasn't just card games, but they became family traditions. We helped work cattle. We were 7, 9, and 10 when we moved and were Dad's only ranch hands. (Which is only significant when you can picture #27 charging one of us kids and Dad yelling not to let her through. :lol: It took a head-on collision with a pickup truck to get that cow on a trailer to haul her to the salebarn.) Also at that young age, we helped Mom and Dad when they were building the house. We spend days scraping dried concrete off borrowed forms saying "Pizza, we're going to have Pizza" (from Bill Cosby's Ice cream, I'm going to have ice cream.) We were too tired to enjoy the promised treat. On Saturdays we worked on the farm together. When we bought the place in KS, it was in terrible condition. We built miles of fence. That was about the time they had the quality time campaign. Dad had fun with that saying the work we were doing was quality time. We groaned at the time, but it was actually true. We went camping together. We went on long car trips together to visit family. Our first vacation other than to visit family was to Walt Disney World. It was some condo promotion and we had to go to several condos to listen to their spiel. Mom and Dad were currently saving up to buy the farm in KS, so we didn't have much spending money. We still joke and say, "What do you mean you're hungry, you've already eaten twice today," when the situation warrants it.

 

 

These stories aren't important to anyone except our family, but it is a small glimpse into the fabric of our lives. It is okay to have alone time. It really is. But I think it is important for there to be many shared experiences, fond memories, customs. How that looks in your family is up to you. It doesn't have to be game night. (But that's fun.)

[MrsBasil]

Does every child grow up to think their parent did a cr@p job?

 

No, I don't think so. My DH and I certainly don't think our parents did a crap job. I've told my mom I want to be half the mom she was.

 

Both DH and I can look at some of the things our parents did when raising us and go, "yeah, we won't be doing that." However, I think that says more about us as individuals, as a couple, and what we want for our family than it does about what they did.

 

I try not to think in terms of mistakes when we consider how we were raised. We were raised by people who love us completely, accepted us always, and did their very best. Differences in a parental philosophy are not mistakes.

[Peela]

I tend to think of it as...the mother sets the tone of the household. A happy mother, a mother who takes healthy care of herself, will set the example that its important to take care of oneself, and the environment the kids grow up in will nourish them, even if she is not physically present all the time.

I think far more damage is done by mothers who self sacrifice and become martyrs for their kids, than those who maintain their own interests, friends and health during their years of mothering.

If everyone self sacrifices, who gets to really live their own potential and thrive in life and show people how it is done? I think it takes a certain amount of selfishness to take care of oneself and be happy....miserable self sacrificers just end up making everyone around them miserable.

When you love yourself, you can really love others. When you don't love yourself, everything you do in the name of love is a bargain (I do this for you, I give up my life for you, so you better love me back, you better sacrifice back etc), and kids know.