Would you judge me if

[kchara]

ETA: This might not be a popular thing to say here, but I think I'll say it anyway. Whether we like it or not, the way a person chooses to dress is a form of communication. The same is true of the words we choose to use, our body language, facial expressions. If we don't like the impression people come away with after spending time with us, there are some things we can do about it other than judge the other person as overly judgmental. If we are sending out messages that don't match up with who we feel we really are, and the other person correctly "reads" the messages we actually are sending out, and comes away with a mistaken impression whose fault is that? Is it the fault of the person who correctly interpreted the incorrect messages, or the person who was advertising something different than what was really inside the package? The fact is, people always "evaluate" other people, whether their "judgments" turn out to be kind or just or otherwise. It's a survival skill.

 

I'm not saying I'd negatively judge a teenager who dresses like a "typical" teenager--I'd probably just figure they wanted to 'blend in'. But I think there are "typical teen" modes of dress that express greater and lesser degrees of self-respect, and/or advertise differently the level of physical access a person is willing to offer others to their body. And it always impresses me when teens can manage to be stylish while also sommanding respect.

 

:iagree: What you described isn't something I'd even glance twice at. I have seen some outfits on teens, however, that while I didn't necessarily just the teens, I did fall into some judgement of their parents. As in, why in the world would you let your child leave the house like that?? But, what you described sounds way in the realm of normal IMHO.

[QueenCat]

According to what I have read, the judgers are in bigger trouble than anyone else. :0)

 

Yep! :iagree:

[Amy loves Bud]

I wouldn't judge her by her appearance any more than I would judge Kate Gosselin for getting extensions.

[Peela]

My dd16 wears more provocative stuff than your dd (she loves her push up bras and low cut tops and short shorts- it's summer here) and I don't give a hoot who judges me for it! But I don't live in a conservative community and anyone who knows my dd IRL pretty much loves her- she is an amazing being in so many ways. I do talk to her about her clothes sometimes, and make comments, and so does her dad, but so far we haven't controlled her around it at all. She has her own style and she usually looks great, but it might not pass conservative standards.

 

If you live in a community where such things are a big deal, and people are judgemental, I guess attention will be drawn there, and the young men in that community might find it challenging. What is forbidden is going to be attractive. But if you live in a community where the human body is not seen as shameful and the whole thing is a non issue, really, the young men do just fine too- really. There is no guilt for looking and they all joke around about it.

Ds15 is not suffering for his female friends and his girlfriend looking gorgeous and showing some skin- hardly.

 

It really is a cultural issue not an inherent one. I am sure the young men in African tribes cope quite well with the near nudity and bare breasts of other tribe members.

[LauraGB]

you saw the way my 16 year old daughter who goes to public school dresses? I ask this because I've read many threads about moms who don't want their daughters to wear low cut shirts or tight pants. My daughter doesn't wear low cut t shirts but she does wear tight jeans. She wears figure hugging t shirts too but her boobs (she doesn't have much) aren't hanging out. She straightens her hair and wears make up. She wears uggs in the winter and flips in the summer. She wears her t shirts tucked in with a big rhinestone belt buckle sometimes too. I don't tell her what to wear and I don't tell her what not to wear. She makes her own choices and she buys many of her clothes herself. She dresses like most of the teenaged girls her age. That is what is noticed on the outside. What isn't noticed is that she is on honor roll with distinction, she is a grand champion equestrian, she has had a part time job since the day she turned 16, she just got nominated by one of her teachers for the young Entreprenuers (I know I spelled that one wrong) program...a student can't enter this scholarship program without being nominated...she was nominated twice recently to enter a state wide modeling competition (which she isn't going to do, her choice) and I am told very often how mannerly and polite this child is. So....I'm saying this and asking if you would judge me or my daughter just by outward appearances. Why? Because I get the impression by people on here and by people I know in my private life, who do judge us because of what she wears. I can honestly say that I am so proud of my daughter and even more thankful to the Lord for the kind of person He has made her. Again, I'm just wondering.

 

Nope. And I probably wouldn't judge her, either.

[AnitaMcC]

Um, nope I wouldn't be judging.

 

But then again, my almost 16yr old Dd dresses 90% of the time in all black and she wears baggy pants/jeans with chains on them (not hanging off her bottom). She is generally covered from neck down. Even shorts are down to her knees. No skimpy clothes. Oh, and she wears a mohawk alot and plays in a metal rock band (electric guitar and drums).

 

Dd is a very good student, huge hearted, studies/teaches Kung Fu, works very hard for competitions (for 3-4 hours a day), plans to major in music, currently learning classical guitar music (also plays drums and learning piano). She has little intererst in make-up, piercings, etc. She is very down to earth and is interested in budhism and meditates every day. She does not curse nor gossip and is not into cliques. She is very good with kids and is very respectful. She loves to dress up for halloween, loves St. Patrick's Day and April 1st (plays tricks-LOL).

[AnitaMcC]

ETA: This might not be a popular thing to say here, but I think I'll say it anyway. Whether we like it or not, the way a person chooses to dress is a form of communication. The same is true of the words we choose to use, our body language, facial expressions. If we don't like the impression people come away with after spending time with us, there are some things we can do about it other than judge the other person as overly judgmental. If we are sending out messages that don't match up with who we feel we really are, and the other person correctly "reads" the messages we actually are sending out, and comes away with a mistaken impression whose fault is that? Is it the fault of the person who correctly interpreted the incorrect messages, or the person who was advertising something different than what was really inside the package? The fact is, people always "evaluate" other people, whether their "judgments" turn out to be kind or just or otherwise. It's a survival skill.

 

 

There is something I say to my kids, when they come to me upset about being picked on, name called, etc. I tell them to ask themselves a question...

 

"Is what is being said to/about them true????"

 

If true and they don't like it.. or if not true and they don't like it = then they have problem.

This means they will need to do some praying and deal with it and have some work cut out for them in fixing the situation.

 

If true and they are fine with it.... or if not true and they are fine with it = then no problem.

This means they have nothing to fix about themselves and they can go on with who they are.

[Daisy]

I don't expect people to walk around passing out disclaimers on business cards. :D

 

We have very traditional standards in regards to our family's dress and we give our children clear reasons why. I think sometimes people, rather than really being judged, are just reacting negatively to the reasons given by those more conservative in their dress. Example that I've never had to use, "No, you cannot wear a bikini because we do not walk around on the beach in clothing that looks like underwear." That is probably bound to offend someone if they heard me say it (I would never say it loudly at the beach, but for example as shared on a forum). LOL. Am I judging them or just stating a fact regarding our family? Guess it depends on your perspective. If we all had disclaimer cards, we probably would have to pass one out at that point.

 

Bottom line, no, I'm not judging you or your daughter just as I hope you are not judging my daughter or me for dressing more conservatively.

 

In regards to what you mentioned your daughter wears, she wouldn't look any different than any other teen around here. It wouldn't even register with me. I don't like skinny pants and tight tops but I don't even NOTICE them on teenagers.

Edited March 18, 2011 by Daisy

[Trish]

you saw the way my 16 year old daughter who goes to public school dresses? I ask this because I've read many threads about moms who don't want their daughters to wear low cut shirts or tight pants. My daughter doesn't wear low cut t shirts but she does wear tight jeans. She wears figure hugging t shirts too but her boobs (she doesn't have much) aren't hanging out. She straightens her hair and wears make up. She wears uggs in the winter and flips in the summer. She wears her t shirts tucked in with a big rhinestone belt buckle sometimes too. I don't tell her what to wear and I don't tell her what not to wear. She makes her own choices and she buys many of her clothes herself. She dresses like most of the teenaged girls her age. That is what is noticed on the outside. What isn't noticed is that she is on honor roll with distinction, she is a grand champion equestrian, she has had a part time job since the day she turned 16, she just got nominated by one of her teachers for the young Entreprenuers (I know I spelled that one wrong) program...a student can't enter this scholarship program without being nominated...she was nominated twice recently to enter a state wide modeling competition (which she isn't going to do, her choice) and I am told very often how mannerly and polite this child is. So....I'm saying this and asking if you would judge me or my daughter just by outward appearances. Why? Because I get the impression by people on here and by people I know in my private life, who do judge us because of what she wears. I can honestly say that I am so proud of my daughter and even more thankful to the Lord for the kind of person He has made her. Again, I'm just wondering.

 

Congrats on having a talented and accomplished daughter! It would be nice if we could tell all about a person's accomplishments from a quick glance, but we can't. I guess I would judge her to be an average teen from the way she dresses, and a nice polite one if I were to meet her. What else is there to go on?

[OrganicAnn]

As kids get older, I judge that their parents (ok mom's) were less responsible for their clothes. So at 16, I'd say it is 95% the kid and only 5% parental influence.

 

I can't say based on a description what I'd think of what your daughter is wearing. I find you can put the same clothes on two different girls and get a totally different vibe. Sometimes it is 'how' they wear the clothes.

 

Unless it is affecting you or your daughter directly, I'd wouldn't worry what other people think. You can't please everyone.

[Joanne]

No.

 

For a bunch of reasons:

 

 

1. When I was a tween and teen, I "tried on" a bunch of looks: preppie, "hot", "burn out", natural, over-made up, etc. None of them showed who I was. They certainly didn't show who my MOM was!
   
2. My son had a mowhawk. He was asked in a homeschool class setting to make it less visible. (It was a very, very subdued style). I didn't understand what his hair style had to do with learning or behavior.
   
3. My youngest has had a tail and also long hair.
   
4. I have met people from all styles representing a wide variety of character, with absolutely no correlation between looks/character.
   

 

 

I read a few posts in this thread where the assertion that how a person presents themselves is important, and does make a difference. That is only true if you have a scripted standard of how people should look and associate behavior with cosmetic expression/style.

 

That said, there are fashion realities involved with today's teens that I believe they'll look back and say "what were we thinking??". But I think that's true of western humans of the last 100 years.

[MamaSheep]

:iagree: What you described isn't something I'd even glance twice at. I have seen some outfits on teens, however, that while I didn't necessarily just the teens, I did fall into some judgement of their parents. As in, why in the world would you let your child leave the house like that?? But, what you described sounds way in the realm of normal IMHO.

 

I think that too, but then I remember back to when I was a teen and some of the kids would bring a change of clothes their parents didn't approve of in their backpack, or give it to a friend to bring to school and then they'd change in the school bathroom. So I try to remind myself that we parents don't always have the control over those kinds of things that we would like.

 

My dd16 wears more provocative stuff than your dd (she loves her push up bras and low cut tops and short shorts- it's summer here) and I don't give a hoot who judges me for it! But I don't live in a conservative community and anyone who knows my dd IRL pretty much loves her- she is an amazing being in so many ways. I do talk to her about her clothes sometimes, and make comments, and so does her dad, but so far we haven't controlled her around it at all. She has her own style and she usually looks great, but it might not pass conservative standards.

 

If you live in a community where such things are a big deal, and people are judgemental, I guess attention will be drawn there, and the young men in that community might find it challenging. What is forbidden is going to be attractive. But if you live in a community where the human body is not seen as shameful and the whole thing is a non issue, really, the young men do just fine too- really. There is no guilt for looking and they all joke around about it.

Ds15 is not suffering for his female friends and his girlfriend looking gorgeous and showing some skin- hardly.

 

It really is a cultural issue not an inherent one. I am sure the young men in African tribes cope quite well with the near nudity and bare breasts of other tribe members.

 

I hope I'm not stepping on toes, but I'm having an overwhelming compulsion to comment on the bolded part. Please know that shame is not the only motivation for modesty. I know that in some cultures the body is kept covered out of feelings of shame about the body or about sexuality, but in some cultures the body is kept covered because it is seen as beautiful and overwhelmingly precious and not something to be passed around for common consumption--like heirloom "good" china, or a treasured piece of one-of-a-kind artwork that is put on display only for a very exclusive audience. And sexuality is viewed by some as a prized possession rather than the sort of thing you'd leave out by the sidewalk where anyone can pick it up and put it down at will. In that kind of culture covering one's body shows that you think of it more like a crystal goblet than like a public drinking fountain. For these people modesty is not a gesture of "shame", but rather of self-respect.

[J-rap]

***

Edited March 3, 2023 by J-rap

[Rosie_0801]

I judge everyone who wears ugg boots. (Looking at you, Keptwoman!) :tongue_smilie:

 

My favourite brother went through a phase of wearing dresses. Mainly ugly ones. Now he gets around looking like he took fashion tips from a mug shot. So no, unless teens are falling out of their clothing, I don't judge. Inside most clothing resides a potentially nice person. Inside weird clothing resides a person with something out of the ordinary to say. That's good. There are enough boring people around.

 

Rosie

[Joanne]

We found out last year that an employee and long-time friend of ours been sexually abusing every 'tween girl he could get his hands on for years, and is now in prison. My heart cries for those poor girls, and I'm so thankful my DD wasn't in his target age range. Because of this, I can't bear the idea of her wearing anything that's not entirely modest. Of course, the girls' clothing (tight-fitting or otherwise) wasn't what drew him to them, but after this happened, I immediately bought DD all new, modest clothes. Even her new bathing suit has sleeves and shorts. As a good liberal (;)), I tell everybody that it's to reduce sun exposure, but it's really because I don't want her to show that much skin. She's a beautiful little girl, and every time some adult man tells her her cute she is, I feel like stepping in front of her and pushing him away. I know, it's not a healthy response at all, but I haven't figured out how to move past that fear.

.

 

I am so sorry that happened in your circle. :grouphug: If you haven't already, I recommend you find and read the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. It will help *you* identify real risks, and help you teach your children how to be safe.

[simka2]

I judge everyone who wears ugg boots. (Looking at you, Keptwoman!) :tongue_smilie:

 

My favourite brother went through a phase of wearing dresses. Mainly ugly ones. Now he gets around looking like he took fashion tips from a mug shot. So no, unless teens are falling out of their clothing, I don't judge. Inside most clothing resides a potentially nice person. Inside weird clothing resides a person with something out of the ordinary to say. That's good. There are enough boring people around.

 

Rosie

 

Best post ever!!! IMHO ;)

[Ester Maria]

Well, there's figure-hugging, and then there's might-as-well-be-spray-paint. I don't think I'd even notice figure-hugging. Spray paint clothing bothers me. I always appreciate it when people dress in such a way that their attire doesn't distract me from their personality.

[...]

I'm not saying I'd negatively judge a teenager who dresses like a "typical" teenager--I'd probably just figure they wanted to 'blend in'. But I think there are "typical teen" modes of dress that express greater and lesser degrees of self-respect, and/or advertise differently the level of physical access a person is willing to offer others to their body. And it always impresses me when teens can manage to be stylish while also sommanding respect.

This.

(bold emphasis mine)

 

Judging is a word with very strong connotations, I would not use it to describe my attitude towards the ways people dress; however, I do insist on the fact that the outfit we choose is also a form of a tacit "message" we send out there - as are our words or our demeanor. Personally, I am more interested in the latter - in how one wears, in a broad sense, that which is being worn - since this is where most of the class (or lack thereof) is demonstrated... and the same clothes will often have a different effect on two different people who hold themselves differently and behave differently. In one case you will not bat an eyelid even if not dressed that way yourself, in the other one you will notice something is not the way you would personally approve it. But there is a big difference between noticing it and letting on you notice it, if you get what I mean...

 

That's where the judging enters the picture, I suppose. It is one thing to think that something is inappropriate or even outright cheap... it is a completely different thing to feel invited to voice it, to treat a person with a lack of due respect because of what they wear or to give them a cold shoulder because they do not fit into your little box.

One can remain polite and warm even while engaging in communication with people dressed the way you would not personally dress nor want your own children to dress.

 

I do believe in modesty as a form of a healthy reservation... and as a form of self-respect... But ultimately, it is always a personal choice. And then again, self-respect and a healthy reservation are broad categories and I have also known some head-to-toe covered women with little cordiality or class, as well as some of those who are a bit "free" for my terms, but abundant in both of those. It depends, really, clothes are only a part of the picture. I will not consider them irrelevant, but I will keep in mind it is only a part of what is going on.

[kchara]

I hope I'm not stepping on toes, but I'm having an overwhelming compulsion to comment on the bolded part. Please know that shame is not the only motivation for modesty. I know that in some cultures the body is kept covered out of feelings of shame about the body or about sexuality, but in some cultures the body is kept covered because it is seen as beautiful and overwhelmingly precious and not something to be passed around for common consumption--like heirloom "good" china, or a treasured piece of one-of-a-kind artwork that is put on display only for a very exclusive audience. And sexuality is viewed by some as a prized possession rather than the sort of thing you'd leave out by the sidewalk where anyone can pick it up and put it down at will. In that kind of culture covering one's body shows that you think of it more like a crystal goblet than like a public drinking fountain. For these people modesty is not a gesture of "shame", but rather of self-respect.

 

:iagree: Couldn't have said it better myself.

[kitten18]

you saw the way my 16 year old daughter who goes to public school dresses? I ask this because I've read many threads about moms who don't want their daughters to wear low cut shirts or tight pants. My daughter doesn't wear low cut t shirts but she does wear tight jeans. She wears figure hugging t shirts too but her boobs (she doesn't have much) aren't hanging out. She straightens her hair and wears make up. She wears uggs in the winter and flips in the summer. She wears her t shirts tucked in with a big rhinestone belt buckle sometimes too. I don't tell her what to wear and I don't tell her what not to wear. She makes her own choices and she buys many of her clothes herself. She dresses like most of the teenaged girls her age. That is what is noticed on the outside. What isn't noticed is that she is on honor roll with distinction, she is a grand champion equestrian, she has had a part time job since the day she turned 16, she just got nominated by one of her teachers for the young Entreprenuers (I know I spelled that one wrong) program...a student can't enter this scholarship program without being nominated...she was nominated twice recently to enter a state wide modeling competition (which she isn't going to do, her choice) and I am told very often how mannerly and polite this child is. So....I'm saying this and asking if you would judge me or my daughter just by outward appearances. Why? Because I get the impression by people on here and by people I know in my private life, who do judge us because of what she wears. I can honestly say that I am so proud of my daughter and even more thankful to the Lord for the kind of person He has made her. Again, I'm just wondering.

No. I have college-age nieces, I know what young girls wear and I have no problem with it.

 

I think some mothers need to be reminded of how they dressed when they were young. My oldest sister was making some comments about how short my nieces' (my other sisters daughters) shorts were. Oldest sister needed to be reminded of the 'dresses' she wore in high-school (70'-74'). There was no way she could lift her arms even a tiny bit without showing her underwear. There is picture proof of these 'dresses'.;)

[6packofun]

I wouldn't judge you by what your daughter wears, but I also wouldn't judge your daughter by all the accomplishments her mom lists, either.

[Jenn in Mo]

This has been a fascinating read!

 

I completely agree with everything MamaSheep said. And I think MamaDuck made some great points about how the judgment can be misplaced either way (conservative or hoochi-mama-style).

 

I think judgment is a strong word for what is more commonly happening: seeing something unattractive and wishing you didn't have to see it. I was quite ignorant about what I was wearing during some of my teen years and had to have it pointed out to me. If I make a judgment call, it is more likely to be on the mom than on the daughter because I think it's part of a mom's job to educate their daughters. But, as it has been pointed, mom teaching does not automatically equal daughter-caring.

 

 

I think judging someone by their outward appearances is stupid and shallow.

 

Okay, this made me laugh out loud. So glad to see we're not judging here. :lol:

 

 

Now that I am a mom to sons, I am a lot more sensitive to what young women wear. My boys notice tight jeans and tight shirts (small or big busted), not because they are judging, but because even if the young woman doesn't mean for it to be, tight clothes are usually s*xy. I feel sorry for men and boys who are subjected to that kind of temptation all day long.

 

 

I agree. My sons aren't here yet, but I feel bad for guys that are bombarded with this. And more and more, I'm hearing the argument that it's the guy's fault for being tempted to look, but let's get real here! I don't swing that way at all and I have a hard time not looking! No, it's not a temptation, but when a gal's breasts are hanging out like neon lights, it is a very annoying distraction. Conversation is awkward. It's not lust, it's not envy, it's not...well, okay, maybe a little envy, lol. But in all seriousness, it is distracting and if I have a hard time making eye contact, how hard must it be for a guy that is hard-wired to be attracted to the opposite sex?

 

But, to the OP, what you described doesn't sound like anything I'm mentioning. It sounds typical teen. Which, in itself is another label. Judgment even, if you will.

 

It's the dustjacket that describes the book. Often, the wrong dustjacket gets put on the wrong book, but that's not the shopper's fault for being able to read the cover given to them. Once the book is opened, they may find a surprise (good or bad) if they were expecting the book advertised, but that doesn't make it the reader's fault.

[Mejane]

 

 

Okay, this made me laugh out loud. So glad to see we're not judging here. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're right, that is kind of funny. But I'm judging the action, not the person. ;)

[HistoryMom]

I am so sorry that happened in your circle. :grouphug: If you haven't already, I recommend you find and read the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. It will help *you* identify real risks, and help you teach your children how to be safe.

 

Thanks so much for the recommendation. I have been struggling with this for a few months and I'd love to be able to move forward.

[merry gardens]

you saw the way my 16 year old daughter who goes to public school dresses? I ask this because I've read many threads about moms who don't want their daughters to wear low cut shirts or tight pants. My daughter doesn't wear low cut t shirts but she does wear tight jeans. She wears figure hugging t shirts too but her boobs (she doesn't have much) aren't hanging out. She straightens her hair and wears make up. She wears uggs in the winter and flips in the summer. She wears her t shirts tucked in with a big rhinestone belt buckle sometimes too. I don't tell her what to wear and I don't tell her what not to wear. She makes her own choices and she buys many of her clothes herself. She dresses like most of the teenaged girls her age. That is what is noticed on the outside. What isn't noticed is that she is on honor roll with distinction, she is a grand champion equestrian, she has had a part time job since the day she turned 16, she just got nominated by one of her teachers for the young Entreprenuers (I know I spelled that one wrong) program...a student can't enter this scholarship program without being nominated...she was nominated twice recently to enter a state wide modeling competition (which she isn't going to do, her choice) and I am told very often how mannerly and polite this child is. So....I'm saying this and asking if you would judge me or my daughter just by outward appearances. Why? Because I get the impression by people on here and by people I know in my private life, who do judge us because of what she wears. I can honestly say that I am so proud of my daughter and even more thankful to the Lord for the kind of person He has made her. Again, I'm just wondering.

Good thing she didn't want to enter that modeling competition since you don't want her judged based on her outward appearance!

 

Some people are just judgemental of others. You know who's the worst? The judges at events like modeling contests, scholarship programs and equestrian competetions--they are really judgemental.

[mommymilkies]

Well, there's figure-hugging, and then there's might-as-well-be-spray-paint. I don't think I'd even notice figure-hugging. Spray paint clothing bothers me. I always appreciate it when people dress in such a way that their attire doesn't distract me from their personality.

 

ETA: This might not be a popular thing to say here, but I think I'll say it anyway. Whether we like it or not, the way a person chooses to dress is a form of communication. The same is true of the words we choose to use, our body language, facial expressions. If we don't like the impression people come away with after spending time with us, there are some things we can do about it other than judge the other person as overly judgmental. If we are sending out messages that don't match up with who we feel we really are, and the other person correctly "reads" the messages we actually are sending out, and comes away with a mistaken impression whose fault is that? Is it the fault of the person who correctly interpreted the incorrect messages, or the person who was advertising something different than what was really inside the package? The fact is, people always "evaluate" other people, whether their "judgments" turn out to be kind or just or otherwise. It's a survival skill.

 

I'm not saying I'd negatively judge a teenager who dresses like a "typical" teenager--I'd probably just figure they wanted to 'blend in'. But I think there are "typical teen" modes of dress that express greater and lesser degrees of self-respect, and/or advertise differently the level of physical access a person is willing to offer others to their body. And it always impresses me when teens can manage to be stylish while also sommanding respect.

:iagree: Most things don't register on my radar. I do admit to being shocked by some things teens around here where sometimes, though. And if you knew me, you'd see that it would have to be something truly out there for me to be bothered by.

[mommymilkies]

I will say, too, that there is a big difference between tight pants and low cut shirts and Playboy Bunny designs on 9 year old girls' clothing. Things like that bother me, but not so much the cut of the clothes.

[kdeno]

:grouphug:

[kdeno]

:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

I wouldn't judge you in the sense that I have no idea based on how your daughter dresses what kind of person you are, but I wouldn't have my daughter wearing skin-tight clothing. There are a lot of choices between baggy and skin-tight.

 

We are currently dealing with this with a particular lady we have to spend time with. Though she shows no cleavage, everything she wears is very fitting, and I can say with certainty that she is very aware that her bOOks are one of the first things a person notices about her. The fact that she made money posing in the buff makes it all the more obvious that she knows how to use her body to her advantage.

 

FWIW, I also think skin-tight clothing on men is in poor taste.

[texasmama]

Haven't read any of the other responses, but what you describe doesn't bother my sense of modesty as long as she can sit down while wearing her jeans. lol I have a 15 yo dd who attends private school, btw. I largely stay out of her wardrobe choices unless I see something low cut, and then I give feedback.

[mhgillil]

OP - Sounds like she dresses like an average teenage girl. What you allow your daughter to wear is your choice. If people judge you or her for her totally normal clothing, that is really their problem. I am only concerned when a young girl dresses in a way that would leave little to the imagination and have her targeted by men and boys or unfairly pegged as slutty. There is a line that can be crossed where it really is a safety and reputation issue and from your description, she's far from it.

 

If your DD is into fashion (beyond whatever is trendy at her school), I really recommend Teen Vogue. It's been a while since I've read it, but it was the only teenage girl magazine that had tasteful fashion and beauty and no junk about how to lure in guys with sexy outfits and make-up. Most teen mags for girls are way too focused on boys.

[pqr]

Would I judge you? No, your daughter, by the appearance that you have described, is well within the norm. The question seems to be asking that if she were outside the norm would I judge you.....Yes.

People ARE judged by their appearance and I certainly take a snap judgment based on appearance. That is not to say that I cannot be persuaded that I was wrong and I do have friends who do not always dress according to a "norm" but I do made the initial judgment based on appearance.

There has been lots of talk about looking to "inner" beauty etc, that is fine and correct but frankly I do not have time to go looking for that with every person I meet nor the time to ensure that it exists in every person with whom I or my family come into contact.

I will hedge my bets and look for that in people whose appearance conforms to my value system. They offer the best chance of my finding the "inner" person that becomes a dear friend.

Taking it to the extreme, none of these guys (in the link) are ever crossing my threshold. They might be kind people, but I am not taking that bet and will judge. Further their appearance speaks to their belief system (i.e. that looking like that in public is acceptable) and that is not a value I want in my family.

(WARNING, if you watch it the video is about extreme tattoos and piercings)

If a teen dresses like a tart (NOT that the OP's does, indeed it appears that she DOES NOT) then yes I will judge the teen and the parents who allow such a manner of dress. Said teen will not be welcome in my home.

Manner of dress is supposed to make a statement about the individual and frequently garner a reaction. Dress in a certain manner and you will succeed. I will read your statement (That "this manner of dress is acceptable") and respond ("Not in my house or around my family")

It certainly makes one feel good to say "I look beyond appearance" but is it always true? Let me ask those who have made that point. If the characters in the video show up at your door will you not make a snap judgment? Do you want your children going out with them? Do you want their values (about dress) possibly rubbing off on your children?

So in retrospect I suppose I would judge you based on what your daughter wears, but in this case it would not necessarily be negative.

[BabyBre]

It's human nature to make judgements based on initial appearances, so the answer has to be Yes. Some are more forgiving than others, but you can bet almost every person you or she comes across is making a judgement to some extent. It's up to you (and her) to decide how much you care.