Help my mom is here and torturing me. Say something funny

[dorothy]

so that I can get through the next three hours. Send me a group hug. Anything. Really, I know I need to pass the bean dip, but she makes me want to throw it. At her.

[Joanne]

{{hugs}}

 

If you need help with healthy, polite boundaries, let me know.

[Andie]

Sorry. I really don't have anything.

 

:grouphug:

 

My dad once set something on fire in the yard to distract my mother and her mother and stop an argument. Not that I'd recommend that.

[Kanga]

The local hs group requested a bio from the graduating seniors. I changed the names to protect her identity. Below is her submission:

 

Kangatwo has been homeschooled for her entire life. To provide her with as many field trip opportunities as possible, her family has moved across country five times. She is a non-practicing pianist and recent convert to the violin. She has performed with the ______ Philharmonic Youth Orchestra, several church groups, and her favorite Joshua Bell CD. Her other hobbies include horseback riding, cat wrangling, and running a rehab center for avian victims of feline assault. She spends altogether too much time reading novels. In fall 2006, she began taking classes at _____CC, where she distinguished herself by breaking test tubes and frying bacteria. She enjoyed this so immensely that she has enrolled in U____ as a biochemistry major. Despite these eclectic interests, Kangatwo does not know what she wants to be when she grows up and is praying to receive God’s direction sometime before she graduates from college.

[Doran]

I've often wondered, if we are already experiencing a challenging situation, why on earth would we choose to pass BEAN dip. I mean, the results of bean dip are...well...often rather challenging in and of themselves, in an aromatic kind of way. And, it only makes me grumpier when there is a bad smell emanating from someone whom I already want to clock. So, why not pass something less likely to produce flatulence, like...mmm...charcoal tablets. Or, maybe Melba Toast. As a bonus, if we passed things like that, maybe the offending "guest" would take the hint sooner and just leave.

 

Dunno. Just a thought.

 

 

Hang in there Dorothy. Maybe now would be a good time for you and your mother to watch a whole bunch of You Tube.

[JudoMom]

My mom is here, too. She said to tell you she's wonderful, and that I look great in my new sweater she bought me yesterday, which she picked out herself. :grouphug:.

[Scarlett]

THIS is priceless. Love love love it.

 

The local hs group requested a bio from the graduating seniors. I changed the names to protect her identity. Below is her submission:

 

Kangatwo has been homeschooled for her entire life. To provide her with as many field trip opportunities as possible, her family has moved across country five times. She is a non-practicing pianist and recent convert to the violin. She has performed with the ______ Philharmonic Youth Orchestra, several church groups, and her favorite Joshua Bell CD. Her other hobbies include horseback riding, cat wrangling, and running a rehab center for avian victims of feline assault. She spends altogether too much time reading novels. In fall 2006, she began taking classes at _____CC, where she distinguished herself by breaking test tubes and frying bacteria. She enjoyed this so immensely that she has enrolled in U____ as a biochemistry major. Despite these eclectic interests, Kangatwo does not know what she wants to be when she grows up and is praying to receive God’s direction sometime before she graduates from college.

[Pajama Mama]

What if you did throw it at her :sneaky2: (evil laugh) Sometimes all a relationship needs is one totally psycho episode to make the others behave for years and years. :w00t: :willy_nilly:

 

This is so true. My MIL used to live with us:glare: She's a great lady--as long as she lives elsewhere--seriously. While she lived with us, I used to ignore her when she was in a funk. But one time she started ranting at dh in front my kids about me. She was being really rude and my kids were a little scared. I completely lost it and screamed at her like a two year old. I did feel guilty after the fact(but not that much). I wish my kids didn't have to see that but "she started it"(said like a two yr old)

 

Our relationship is much better for it. And the fact that she doesn't live here anymore:tongue_smilie:

[Mama Bear]

to offer a giggle -- I'm not sure if it worked or not. ;)

 

Awhile back the kids' dad was trying to work out plane reservations for visitation. These things can go really well, or really not, usually depending entirely on the level of involvement of the OW. The 7:30 pm phone call was fine, the 11something call was fine, though I've asked him not to call after nine (I answered because I thought it was someone else), and it woke Q just enough to make him twitchy and require further settling. Fine. All done. Off to bed just after midnight, a near record for me. (The child has sleep issues, thus I don't get much.) I resist doing a happy dance as I slip between the covers.

 

At 1:30 am my cell phone rings. He wants to know if we can wiggle dates around because of expense of tickets, though it takes him a while to phrase it so I get it. Okay. The OW is sitting there-- trying to whisper "helpful" things to him, very quietly, but she's not really good at that so her presence is painfully obvious. I slooooowly wake up enough to respond calmly, kindly, and effectively and the conversation eventually ends, at about 2am.

 

I'm headed back to bed, now alert enough to be ticked off instead of merely stunned. 1:30am? Seriously?? I don't get back to sleep easily when awakened early in the night, he knows this, or did. He's well aware of how difficult Q's nights are. Rowr. "Okay," I think to myself, "We know how to do this. We will read for a little while. We are very tired. We will fall asleep quickly."

 

Right.

 

I'd like to sleep, but, geez Louise, man. First I wanna smack somebody. (Not that I actually would.)

 

I open my book, by now seriously mad. The first thing my eyes fall on in the book is this (paraphrased): "If there's something you're thinking about doing that scares you, evaluate whether or not it lines up with your overall goals [getting some respect for appropriate boundaries], then just do it."

 

I called him back and said:

 

The next time you wake me at 1:30 in the morning, you'd better be naked and in my bed.

 

The chick lost her mind.

 

I'm still blushing.

[Michelle in MO]

and ask her to call you back?

 

Or, can you call a brother or sister and ask them to pick your mom up? :tongue_smilie:

 

I empathize. I've sometimes had less-than-ideal relationships with family members (although in my case it's usually with my in-laws).

 

Here---I'm sending you lots of hugs!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Fourmother]

it's a family funny story all the same. We were having a problem with our toilet running and I was nagging dh to fix it for a couple weeks. When he finally got around to it I just said, "Oh, good it's fixed." Well, dh was disappointed and felt he deserved a more enthusiastic response. So I teased him a little by turning it into a "Biblical" epic story. He thought it was very funny, so I posted it here on my blog. I hope it brightens your day a little. BTW, we deal with our in-law issues by living 3000 miles away from all of our family. Just a thought...;)

[Rich with Kids]

I'd say something...but mine might be here...lurking.**cue Twilight Zone music** :leaving:

[Jenny in Atl]

I wish I could say something funny, but instead I will say something sad. My MIL drove me nuts. She was not an easy woman by any means, but I wish she were still here. No matter how crazy I felt when she was around, my kids still had a grandmother who adored them. We lost her about five years ago to lung cancer. In some ways my life is much easier without her here, and in many ways it is not. So, just maybe, ask her whether she needs a hug or tell her you need one. Life is so short, enjoy it even when it makes you crazy.

[Carol in Cal.]

.nt

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[dorothy]

OK, I chose to be cheerful no matter what. My mom just left and I did not get into a big old to-do. This is an extraordinary breakthrough for me. It was so hard to not let her issues become mine. In the past, I have either taken them on or argued with her about acting like she's upset with me when I haven't done anything. Well, I did neither. I spoke cheerfully, behaved cheerfully, took her silent treatment cheerfully, DID NOT ask "why are you upset?", and said goodbye cheerfully!

 

All the while FREAKING OUT on the inside. This is a big, big, big step for me. I so wish my mom did not behave this way, but she's not changing so I have to. And, I just did!:001_smile:

 

Thanks for all the posts. I read them on the sly while she was here and the really helped.

[beansprouts]

My friend likes bean dip too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[j.griff]

it's a family funny story all the same. We were having a problem with our toilet running and I was nagging dh to fix it for a couple weeks. When he finally got around to it I just said, "Oh, good it's fixed." Well, dh was disappointed and felt he deserved a more enthusiastic response. So I teased him a little by turning it into a "Biblical" epic story. He thought it was very funny, so I posted it here on my blog. I hope it brightens your day a little. BTW, we deal with our in-law issues by living 3000 miles away from all of our family. Just a thought...;)

 

That was HilARious!!!!! :lol::lol: And it's GREAT fun to read aloud.

[Mama Bear]

He thought it was very funny, so I posted it here on my blog.;)

 

I bet your dh loved it. :lol:

[midwestbelle]

came to visit when the twins were about 18 mo old. I was scrambling the girls eggs for breakfast. My mom enters the kitchen and tells me that the eggs are too hard and "you can't feed that to those babies". I gave her a good "Muuuther," rolled my eyes and I told her I was perfectly capable of feeding my children. I put the eggs on their plates and went in the other room to change. I came back in the kitchen to find my eggs in the garbage and my mother preparing new eggs for the girls. I was so furious! I am a keep it in for 30 years until you explode kind of person and I exploded that morning. Mom packed her stuff and left. 2 weeks later she called and started chit chatting like nothing had ever happened.

[BeachGirl]

Dorothy,

 

You may want to take comfort in the fact that you responded cheerfully to everything she said. It probably drove her crazy wondering why you did not react to any of her antics.:) Well done.

[elizabeth]

You are darling!! You made my night. You will survive ,my torture comes next week with her sister the wicked witch of the westfor a nice 7 day long visit but they are staying elsewhere. I feel you pain really I do.

[Brigitte]

This should make you feel better...

 

My mother-in-law arrives on Mother's Day for a 10 (yes, that is TEN) day visit.

[Brigitte]

to offer a giggle -- I'm not sure if it worked or not. ;)

 

Awhile back the kids' dad was trying to work out plane reservations for visitation. These things can go really well, or really not, usually depending entirely on the level of involvement of the OW. The 7:30 pm phone call was fine, the 11something call was fine, though I've asked him not to call after nine (I answered because I thought it was someone else), and it woke Q just enough to make him twitchy and require further settling. Fine. All done. Off to bed just after midnight, a near record for me. (The child has sleep issues, thus I don't get much.) I resist doing a happy dance as I slip between the covers.

 

At 1:30 am my cell phone rings. He wants to know if we can wiggle dates around because of expense of tickets, though it takes him a while to phrase it so I get it. Okay. The OW is sitting there-- trying to whisper "helpful" things to him, very quietly, but she's not really good at that so her presence is painfully obvious. I slooooowly wake up enough to respond calmly, kindly, and effectively and the conversation eventually ends, at about 2am.

 

I'm headed back to bed, now alert enough to be ticked off instead of merely stunned. 1:30am? Seriously?? I don't get back to sleep easily when awakened early in the night, he knows this, or did. He's well aware of how difficult Q's nights are. Rowr. "Okay," I think to myself, "We know how to do this. We will read for a little while. We are very tired. We will fall asleep quickly."

 

Right.

 

I'd like to sleep, but, geez Louise, man. First I wanna smack somebody. (Not that I actually would.)

 

I open my book, by now seriously mad. The first thing my eyes fall on in the book is this (paraphrased): "If there's something you're thinking about doing that scares you, evaluate whether or not it lines up with your overall goals [getting some respect for appropriate boundaries], then just do it."

 

I called him back and said:

 

The next time you wake me at 1:30 in the morning, you'd better be naked and in my bed.

 

The chick lost her mind.

 

I'm still blushing.

 

OMG!!! That is really, really funny!:smilielol5: Well done.

[Elaine]

What if you did throw it at her :sneaky2: (evil laugh) Sometimes all a relationship needs is one totally psycho episode to make the others behave for years and years. :w00t: :willy_nilly:

 

:smilielol5: This is the funniest thing that I have read all day!

[Kelli in TN]

Okay Carol---since you asked....

 

Behold, there cometh forth a multitude;

Yea even a multitude of in-laws,

Mother in law, Father in law, behold they bringeth with them

even sisters in law and brothers in law, and the husbands of sisters in law

and also the wives of husbands in law

And behold the brother of the husband of the sister in law doth approach and with him there cometh his children, and his wife and lo, even his wife's melba.

And thy nieces and thy nephews will descend upon thy house and bring forth their own spouses and children.

 

And they shall approach thy wife, yea even the wife of thy middle age, the mother of thine children, hearken unto me, and give remembrance to thy wife, the mother of thy six children and remember that she did not shrinketh away from the labors of childbirth but instead caused thee to be fruitful and multiply many times over. Give ear to thy wife now and hear the petition of thy wife, the bride of thy middle age.

 

For the in-laws of your wife shall descend upon thy house and thy wife's house and even thy children's house. And they shall bring all manner of items in Tupperware containers and they shall eat and they shall drink, yea even shall they sup at thine table and the folding tables that are brought forth by thy niece and the husband of thy niece. And when they are satisfied with thy meat and thy drink and the abundance of Tupperware contents, then they shall seek out the bathroom. Yea, even the restroom,

 

And they shall look upon thy toilet with contempt and shall mutter one to another; Behold the stains in the bottom of the bowl, and lo, the lid to the tank is broken, yea it is broken into many pieces and the pieces are not together and it is an abomination to our eyes.

 

And thy wife, yea, the wife of they middle age, who forbear to make thy quiver full, and even thy underwear drawer to be filled with clean raiment for thy use, even she shall hang her head in shame at the sight of the toilet.

 

 

My husband went out and bought a new toilet that included the claim that you could flush golf balls down it without clogging. We have never tried that. He got it installed the night before Thanksgiving.

[Elaine]

Okay Carol---since you asked....

 

Behold, there cometh forth a multitude;

Yea even a multitude of in-laws,

Mother in law, Father in law, behold they bringeth with them

even sisters in law and brothers in law, and the husbands of sisters in law

and also the wives of husbands in law

And behold the brother of the husband of the sister in law doth approach and with him there cometh his children, and his wife and lo, even his wife's melba.

And thy nieces and thy nephews will descend upon thy house and bring forth their own spouses and children.

 

And they shall approach thy wife, yea even the wife of thy middle age, the mother of thine children, hearken unto me, and give remembrance to thy wife, the mother of thy six children and remember that she did not shrinketh away from the labors of childbirth but instead caused thee to be fruitful and multiply many times over. Give ear to thy wife now and hear the petition of thy wife, the bride of thy middle age.

 

For the in-laws of your wife shall descend upon thy house and thy wife's house and even thy children's house. And they shall bring all manner of items in Tupperware containers and they shall eat and they shall drink, yea even shall they sup at thine table and the folding tables that are brought forth by thy niece and the husband of thy niece. And when they are satisfied with thy meat and thy drink and the abundance of Tupperware contents, then they shall seek out the bathroom. Yea, even the restroom,

 

And they shall look upon thy toilet with contempt and shall mutter one to another; Behold the stains in the bottom of the bowl, and lo, the lid to the tank is broken, yea it is broken into many pieces and the pieces are not together and it is an abomination to our eyes.

 

And thy wife, yea, the wife of they middle age, who forbear to make thy quiver full, and even thy underwear drawer to be filled with clean raiment for thy use, even she shall hang her head in shame at the sight of the toilet.

 

 

My husband went out and bought a new toilet that included the claim that you could flush golf balls down it without clogging. We have never tried that. He got it installed the night before Thanksgiving.

 

:smilielol5: How did I miss this the first time??

[Kelli in TN]

:smilielol5: How did I miss this the first time??

 

The unedited version

[*anj*]

Okay, I know your mother is gone now but I still have a funny story and I've been waiting for the right time to tell it.

 

My friend has four kids and the youngest is a 2 1/2 year old boy.

The other night she and her dh were watching a movie or something and little Peter was still up. His dad was drinking a glass of water and so of course Peter kept taking sips out of his dad's glass.

Finally the two of them finished the glass of water and Peter says "I go get more, Daddy?" And Daddy says "Yeah, go ahead."

 

Little Peter reappears with a nice cold glass of water and the two continue their little game of my-turn-your-turn. The same thing happens, they finish the water. "I get more, Daddy?" And he runs off to get more.

 

So now Daddy is taking a sip of water and this exchange occurs:

Mom: "Where is he getting that water from?"

Dad: "I don't know. The kitchen?"

Mom: "He can't reach the faucet in there. Hey Peter, honey, where did you get that water?"

 

(Note: they have a traditional refrigerator, not the kind with the water dispenser in the door)

 

Peter: "In da bafwoom."

Mom: "He can't reach that faucet either!"

 

Mom and Dad suddenly lock eyes as the stomach churning realization occurs to them simultaneously (not to mention that Dad just took a sip.)

 

"THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"

 

Yup.

She says she'll never kiss him again.

[Elaine]

Okay, I know your mother is gone now but I still have a funny story and I've been waiting for the right time to tell it.

 

My friend has four kids and the youngest is a 2 1/2 year old boy.

The other night she and her dh were watching a movie or something and little Peter was still up. His dad was drinking a glass of water and so of course Peter kept taking sips out of his dad's glass.

Finally the two of them finished the glass of water and Peter says "I go get more, Daddy?" And Daddy says "Yeah, go ahead."

 

Little Peter reappears with a nice cold glass of water and the two continue their little game of my-turn-your-turn. The same thing happens, they finish the water. "I get more, Daddy?" And he runs off to get more.

 

So now Daddy is taking a sip of water and this exchange occurs:

Mom: "Where is he getting that water from?"

Dad: "I don't know. The kitchen?"

Mom: "He can't reach the faucet in there. Hey Peter, honey, where did you get that water?"

 

(Note: they have a traditional refrigerator, not the kind with the water dispenser in the door)

 

Peter: "In da bafwoom."

Mom: "He can't reach that faucet either!"

 

Mom and Dad suddenly lock eyes as the stomach churning realization occurs to them simultaneously (not to mention that Dad just took a sip.)

 

"THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"

 

Yup.

She says she'll never kiss him again.

 

Hey sister! :D

 

Did you see this?

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24391&highlight=willow&page=3

 

:lol:

 

 

Aww, nuts! Scroll down to see my post. I thought I was so fancy-schmancy with the link.

[*anj*]

Hey sister! :D

 

Did you see this?

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24391&highlight=willow&page=3

 

:lol:

 

 

Aww, nuts! Scroll down to see my post. I thought I was so fancy-schmancy with the link.

 

Oh man! Nope, I missed it. I repped you for being so sassy though. So there!!!

Oh, and I do not shamelessly beg. Usually. :biggrinjester:For instance, I am only 11 rep points away from the next level and I wasn't even going to mention it. Why? Because I don't care. Nope, not at all. Not a whit. Not me.

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

Also, I don't have anything profound to say right now, so why would I 'spect to be gettin' any rep?

[Elaine]

Oh man! Nope, I missed it. I repped you for being so sassy though. So there!!!

Oh, and I do not shamelessly beg. Usually. :biggrinjester:For instance, I am only 11 rep points away from the next level and I wasn't even going to mention it. Why? Because I don't care. Nope, not at all. Not a whit. Not me.

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

Also, I don't have anything profound to say right now, so why would I 'spect to be gettin' any rep?

 

 

Well, I was going to rep you for being so disciplined on your break, but...if you don't care.:lol:

 

Dang girl! You're worth alot of points.:w00t:

[*anj*]

Well, I was going to rep you for being so disciplined on your break, but...if you don't care.:lol:

 

Dang girl! You're worth alot of points.:w00t:

 

I've been slipping back.

It's so bad.

Of course, I'm going on yet another retreat this weekend, so maybe I'll come back completely cured. Ya think? :rofl:

[Fourmother]

The unedited version

 

Kelli, that is so funny! Toilets can inspire such humor and dread.

[Fourmother]

I bet your dh loved it. :lol:

 

Oh yes! He even helped me edit. He wanted me to clearly state how much effort he put into the repair, and that he called upon the "ancient knowlege."

[Fourmother]

That was HilARious!!!!! :lol::lol: And it's GREAT fun to read aloud.

 

Thanks! I have to admit that I still can't read it out loud with a straight face.

[*anj*]

And behold the brother of the husband of the sister in law doth approach and with him there cometh his children, and his wife and lo, even his wife's melba.

 

Kelli! How is it that I have forgotten The Famed Melba?????

 

You are too funny!!:lol:

[Doran]

Okay, I know your mother is gone now but I still have a funny story and I've been waiting for the right time to tell it.

 

My friend has four kids and the youngest is a 2 1/2 year old boy.

The other night she and her dh were watching a movie or something and little Peter was still up. His dad was drinking a glass of water and so of course Peter kept taking sips out of his dad's glass.

Finally the two of them finished the glass of water and Peter says "I go get more, Daddy?" And Daddy says "Yeah, go ahead."

 

Little Peter reappears with a nice cold glass of water and the two continue their little game of my-turn-your-turn. The same thing happens, they finish the water. "I get more, Daddy?" And he runs off to get more.

 

So now Daddy is taking a sip of water and this exchange occurs:

Mom: "Where is he getting that water from?"

Dad: "I don't know. The kitchen?"

Mom: "He can't reach the faucet in there. Hey Peter, honey, where did you get that water?"

 

(Note: they have a traditional refrigerator, not the kind with the water dispenser in the door)

 

Peter: "In da bafwoom."

Mom: "He can't reach that faucet either!"

 

Mom and Dad suddenly lock eyes as the stomach churning realization occurs to them simultaneously (not to mention that Dad just took a sip.)

 

"THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"

 

Yup.

She says she'll never kiss him again.

 

 

Oh. My. Goodness!! I guess part of me never got out of potty stage, cuz' that story totally cracks me up!!

 

Between you and Kelli, I'm just rolling here. And, dangit!, I can't rep either one of you!

[Kelli in TN]

Kelli! How is it that I have forgotten The Famed Melba?????

:

 

You want I should mail you some after the next big in-law soiree?

 

It defies description, really. Overly sweet. Goopy textured. Brown, but not chocolate. What more could one want in a dessert?

[jjmw1]

UGH! I feel for you!!! Been there, done that!

 

Take deep cleansing breaths!!!