How do you keep from comparing?

[wulfbourne]

I'm going to preface this by saying my oldest dd is only 4, so I know I shouldn't even be worrying at this point yet.

 

But, how do you stop yourself from comparing your kid to other kids in the same age group? Especially if you frequent mommy forums and such? One site I belong to has a group comprised completely of parents with kids born the same month as my DD. At barely 4 years old they're already talking about my kid can read these words or my son has been writing his name since he was 3 1/2. My daughter can write about half of her name and while she knows all her letter sounds when we looked at the first BOB book she didn't show much interest and got frustrated so I put it away. Then I read about other kids her age reading, some possibly whole books, and I wonder if I'm failing her.

 

So how do you keep yourself from comparing your kids to other kids? Even if I avoid the online stuff (which I plan on doing from now on) there's still playdates, talking with parents at co-ops or other activities as they get older. How do you reassure yourself that they're not 'behind' when you've taken their education onto your shoulders?

[speedmom4]

I have struggled in that area for so long. I have finally come to the conclusion that it's a complete waste of time. Comparing ALWAYS leads to feelings of inadequacy. I finally realized that if I am basing my self esteem and the happiness of my family on how we compare to others I will be on a constant rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I think it comes down to making a conscious effort to not compare. When you feel yourself doing that make yourself stop and think about all the wonderful qualities your child has. Also something that has helped me is to think about the many wonderful "average" children I know. They may be "average" when it comes to academics or physically but have wonderful loving personalities. It really helps to focus on the positive.

 

I sure hope you tackle this problem much sooner than I did!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[myfunnybunch]

First, :grouphug: Your dd is fine. The skills that you describe are developmentally on target. That's the important part. She will not be behind academically if she doesn't start reading at 4. My kids started reading at 7, 5, 4, 4, and 5 respectively, and they are all strong readers for their age now.

 

And....well, honestly, you don't ever completely get over comparing. At least I don't. I still find myself thinking that way sometimes.

 

But we have some power over it. For me it's been a matter of stopping that thought pattern and redirecting my thoughts to positives about my kids when I find myself thinking like that. I don't want to overlook what's amazing about my kids because other kids are doing different amazing things, kwim?

 

*sigh* I'm not perfect at it yet, but I'm working on it. :)

 

Cat

[Mejane]

First, believe it when you see it. Some moms love to exaggerate their kids' accomplishments and skills, so don't always assume it's true. Second, remember that all kids learn at different rates and just because one is doing something early doesn't mean others won't catch up and even surpass them at some point.

 

That said, really try to resist comparing at all. It puts undue pressure on both you and your child. Just try to relax and enjoy the journey. :001_smile:

[Cherryanne]

:bigear: I wish I knew!

[Night Elf]

But, how do you stop yourself from comparing your kid to other kids in the same age group?

 

Because that is what they do in public school. It goes hand in hand with the one-size-fits-all education. I have enjoyed the opportunity to homeschool at my children's paces, not some arbitrary list of expectations. Kids develop at different times, which is why some kids are behind in classes and some kids are ahead.

 

I wouldn't discuss it in those groups if it makes you uncomfortable.

[Lainey]

I used to compare, but then realized I was wrong to do that because I would push too hard to do things we just weren't ready for. I still can compare sometimes if I don't keep myself in check. I remind myself that what one kid can do exceptionally well, others may not be so exceptional at, but they each have a gift. So, everyone has something that they do really well, try to focus on the positive attributes of your kids when you feel like comparing and just work on the areas that need work as they grow and develop. :)

[WVNA]

First, believe it when you see it. Some moms love to exaggerate their kids' accomplishments and skills, so don't always assume it's true.

 

This is definitely true. We have a friend who is a public school kindergarten teacher and she tells us every year that many parents tell her their kids are "gifted" and advanced. She said that in reality, it's only a very small number who truly are advanced.

[Kate CA]

This is a choice we actively decide. Am I going to compare my child or not? Am I going to let these things affect me or not? Your child is your child and will not mature in the same way any other child will. Sometimes we have early learners and sometimes we don't. I have five children and NONE of them were early learners. I had friends that did, but they were not my children.

 

I want to encourage you to really evaluate your behavior in this. Your dd will feel the pressure you place on her and it may inhibit her actual learning. Not a single child of mine had the letter sounds down all the way until six and with one, seven. You are the one that will pave the way for her education and you will know when there is an issue. Four - she is still a baby. And I really mean that--a baby. Enjoy her as she is right now. Play with her, love her, and learn little things together.

 

This time goes by SO fast. I wish I had really listened to these kinds of things when my oldest was so young. I didn't. I was in a hurry to get her homeschooling. It happened SO fast. Just enjoy the time and stop worrying about what other people are doing.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Here is something to remember:

 

Your child will amaze you.

 

She isn't amazing you right now by reading at age 4. So what? She will amaze you at some point, if you are watching her with love as she grows.

 

She will amaze you with her...

 

intellect

understanding

wisdom

grace

kindness

curiosity

joy

gratitude

skill

diligence

character

hope

faith

happiness

 

...it will come. Those are the gifts that our children give to us! Watch for them. Prepare to be amazed. Don't watch for what she doesn't do. Just watch her with love, being prepared to be amazed.

 

It is a red flag that you haven't been amazed yet. It may be a sign that you haven't been watching properly :) Start watching now.

[Kate CA]

Here is something to remember:

 

Your child will amaze you.

 

She isn't amazing you right now by reading at age 4. So what? She will amaze you at some point, if you are watching her with love as she grows.

 

She will amaze you with her...

 

intellect

understanding

wisdom

grace

kindness

curiosity

joy

gratitude

skill

diligence

character

hope

faith

happiness

 

...it will come. Those are the gifts that our children give to us! Watch for them. Prepare to be amazed. Don't watch for what she doesn't do. Just watch her with love, being prepared to be amazed.

 

It is a red flag that you haven't been amazed yet. It may be a sign that you haven't been watching properly :) Start watching now.

 

Oh, what a fabulous post. :iagree: Isn't is just something? I feel blessed beyond measure to be a part of it. :001_smile:

[Guest CarolineUK]

I've never compared. I trust that my children are becoming the best people they are capable of becoming in the time frame that is right for them. Two of my children have been very slow academically. The eldest is now at school and doing very well. DS6 still struggles, but I have absolute faith that he'll be OK. It does help knowing that DH, now a very successful businessman, didn't learn to read until he was 12 years old, he's severely dyslexic, but still got into Oxford University, one of the top UK universities, and came out with a doctorate. Children are all different, with different strengths and weaknesses, some developing earlier, others being late bloomers; an evaluation of their ultimate success or otherwise cannot come at age 3 or 4, or 13 or 14, or even 23 or 24. To me, comparing is a waste of time and emotion.

[wulfbourne]

Here is something to remember:

 

Your child will amaze you.

 

She isn't amazing you right now by reading at age 4. So what? She will amaze you at some point, if you are watching her with love as she grows.

 

She will amaze you with her...

 

intellect

understanding

wisdom

grace

kindness

curiosity

joy

gratitude

skill

diligence

character

hope

faith

happiness

 

...it will come. Those are the gifts that our children give to us! Watch for them. Prepare to be amazed. Don't watch for what she doesn't do. Just watch her with love, being prepared to be amazed.

 

It is a red flag that you haven't been amazed yet. It may be a sign that you haven't been watching properly :) Start watching now.

 

She already does amaze me almost on a daily basis. With writing her name, that wasn't some thing I sat down and taught her to do. I showed her what her name looked like quite often, but I never sat down and showed her how to write letters or anything. But about a week ago she comes over to me really really excited saying, 'Mommy, I wrote my name!'. So I went over, and while it wasn't her whole name, it was really good. She had the Allion (her full name is Allison), all by herself!

 

There have been many, many other times where you can just see the lightbulb go off in her head as she makes some type of connection, often without a whole lot of coaching or teaching right now. She is also has such a gentle spirit for a four year old.

 

Not just her either, her younger sister (2 1/2) does as well. That's part of why I want to homeschool, I love being there when they make that connection, seeing them light up and truly enjoy learning.

 

So both of my children do amaze me, I just need to make a conscious effort not to compare. I've already quit the group in question and I'm going to work trying to adjust my thinking patterns in the future.

[AuntieM]

Simply refuse to go there. Memorize this phrase:

 

COMPARISON IS THE DEATH OF CONTENTMENT.

 

Practice saying it out loud. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

FWIW, time is a great equalizer. Those early starters are very often caught up with (and even surpassed) in the middle grades/logic stage. If you just keep loving and encouraging your kids, provide a rich learning environment, and have dealt with anything that is an outright learning disability, your kids will learn the important knowledge and skills, all in their own proper time.

Edited February 11, 2011 by AuntieM

[fairytalemama]

First, :grouphug: Your dd is fine. The skills that you describe are developmentally on target. That's the important part. She will not be behind academically if she doesn't start reading at 4. My kids started reading at 7, 5, 4, 4, and 5 respectively, and they are all strong readers for their age now.

 

And....well, honestly, you don't ever completely get over comparing. At least I don't. I still find myself thinking that way sometimes.

 

 

 

First, believe it when you see it. Some moms love to exaggerate their kids' accomplishments and skills, so don't always assume it's true. Second, remember that all kids learn at different rates and just because one is doing something early doesn't mean others won't catch up and even surpass them at some point.

 

That said, really try to resist comparing at all. It puts undue pressure on both you and your child. Just try to relax and enjoy the journey. :001_smile:

 

I used to compare, but then realized I was wrong to do that because I would push too hard to do things we just weren't ready for. I still can compare sometimes if I don't keep myself in check. I remind myself that what one kid can do exceptionally well, others may not be so exceptional at, but they each have a gift. So, everyone has something that they do really well, try to focus on the positive attributes of your kids when you feel like comparing and just work on the areas that need work as they grow and develop. :)

:iagree:

 

I agree with all these other posters. I can't tell you how many times I've heard from one mother I know about how "gifted" her daughter is. Every child develops at their own pace. Just make a conscious decision not to compare. One of my girlfriends, whenever another parent gets out of control comparing in her presence, she says, "All our children are gifted in one way or another."

[Meriwether]

Here is something to remember:

 

Your child will amaze you.

 

She isn't amazing you right now by reading at age 4. So what? She will amaze you at some point, if you are watching her with love as she grows.

 

She will amaze you with her...

 

intellect

understanding

wisdom

grace

kindness

curiosity

joy

gratitude

skill

diligence

character

hope

faith

happiness

 

...it will come. Those are the gifts that our children give to us! Watch for them. Prepare to be amazed. Don't watch for what she doesn't do. Just watch her with love, being prepared to be amazed.

 

It is a red flag that you haven't been amazed yet. It may be a sign that you haven't been watching properly :) Start watching now.

 

This is lovely.

[zaichiki]

I think you have to choose how you feel. You can acknowledge that so-and-so can read already and be happy for them. "That's cool!" It isn't a reflection on your child and doesn't mean that your child doesn't do something really cool, too.

 

Kids are different. They have different strengths.

 

Think about how your own kids differ from one another (this works best for those of us with multiple kids:tongue_smilie:). We don't sit around pushing one child to do what another does. We simply accept that one child may have strengths where another does not and vice versa and we teach them "where they're at" and "what they're ready for." It doesn't mean one child is a failure or we are a failure b/c one child isn't doing what another is doing.

 

Ex:

Some friends' kids can do things mine can't. (Or things other kids have done before mine.)

One plays the piano beautifully. Another has a brain for math like a computer. A third ice skates like an Olympian. Yet another fiddles like a professional adult.

 

There are some things my kids can do that their kids can't. (Or things my kids have done earlier or with more intensity than friends.)

 

I really like to notice what other kids can do and appreciate it.

[Farrar]

I don't think you can. I have twins and boy will that put it in your face even more.

 

I try to be specific with my praise and my critical assessments of them, both to them and when I think about them or discuss them with dh or close friends. For me, being specific helps me feel like I'm seeing them as individuals and not as generalizations "the arty kid" or "the one who's better at reading" or even "the kid whose handwriting isn't as good as those other kids." And I have a hope that this will let me appreciate their specific gifts and challenges without focusing on the gifts and challenges of others.

[Peela]

I have one kid who was average to ahead- a smart kid in terms of all those academic things- everything's easy for her. First word at 11 months. First steps at 10 months. Chatterbox by 2.

Then I had the other kid who was slightly behind the average, although not badly in terms of baby stuff- walked at 13 months- but talked much later than average- at least, so anyone else could understand him. Things dont come so easily. First I was told I must be a good parent, since dd was such a good baby and child. Then ds came along and that blew that theory. Good parents have kids who are behind. Bad parents can breed amazing kids. It means nothing (ok, it means something but its best not to make an identity out of it).

 

I think it is quite a journey in those early years to remember that your child does not really reflect you. They are their own person completely. When your child bites someone else's child at playgroup at age 2- its a complete embarrassment and I found it very humbling. We are so close to our children we feel they are an extension of us and its good to remember they really aren't. When they behave badly, or are not up with the rest- it is not personal.

 

Its natural to want to show off an advanced child, but really, its best not to take them personally. The next child might be autistic or disabled- what, are they less of an amazing being because of it?

All kids are amazing. All of them.

[annlaura]

I try not to, but occasionally find myself slipping. For me it about doubting myself, not my sons - should I be working on xyz more/harder? But if I take a deep breath, I can step back and remember why I am not. I have a dear friend whose daughter goes to daycare. She has gotten caught up in this a bit, and I think it partly stems from guilt over sending her DD to daycare. One day she told me how great daycare was because the girl was counting to 20. The next day she forgetfully told me the same story, but it was to 25. The next day was my DS's birthday party, and I overheard my friend tell that her daughter was counting to 50. DH & I had a little chuckle later, but at the same time I feel sad my friend feels a need to make sure her DD compares favorably to the point of such, um, embroidery. I don't want to be like that.

[ktgrok]

LOL< that's why I don't even look at developmental milestone stuff. Since I don't know when they are "supposed" to roll over, I'm totally amazed when my baby does it and convinced she is a genius. Why ruin it by checking to see if that is early or late? Besides, does it matter years from now? Babies that walked at 8 months and babies that walked at 18 months all walk equally well at 20 years old. It's the same for reading. Early, late, it doesn't predict how well they will read. My son was a late reader, but jumped 4 grade levels in one year when he finally figured it out. Now he is in 5th grade and easily reads at a 10th grade level. And if he didn't, whatever. I'd find something else awesome about him to brag about :)

 

Focus on the really cool things and forget about the other stuff.

[texasmama]

As my kids get older, this is not an issue for me as it was when they were little. I have experienced what it is like to have a child with learning disabilities, physical differences (birth defect) and a few other things. It has made me realize that all of us are born with gifts. The fun thing about watching baby number 4 instead of baby number 1 is that I know from experience that eventually, in their own timing, kids walk, talk, read, write, etc. It is so much more gratifying to patiently watch a child unfold like a flower rather than spend time being anxious and rushing them through to the "next stage". I only learned this after my kids got older and after I had a few of them and watched them develop in their own timing. We are much less in control of these things than we think we are, anyway...that is what I have come to believe, anyway.:001_smile:

[IsabelC]

DulcimerAmy, I love your post and totally agree. I have found that the only way I can avoid comparing and feeling badly is to consciously decide to take joy in my children and what they do.

 

Not only looking for positive things, but also reframing the things that don't seem so good at first glance. (Eg my 2yo told me yesterday she didn't want a hug or a kiss just then, and instead of worrying that she wasn't being affectionate, I thought "Great! She is confident with maintaining her physical boundaries; that could come in handy later if she has a boyfriend.") Of course, there are limits with reframing - some things really do indicate a problem - but lots of things we could easily perceive as negatives have a positive side.

[Chris in VA]

I have one kid who was average to ahead- a smart kid in terms of all those academic things- everything's easy for her. First word at 11 months. First steps at 10 months. Chatterbox by 2.

Then I had the other kid who was slightly behind the average, although not badly in terms of baby stuff- walked at 13 months- but talked much later than average- at least, so anyone else could understand him. Things dont come so easily. First I was told I must be a good parent, since dd was such a good baby and child. Then ds came along and that blew that theory. Good parents have kids who are behind. Bad parents can breed amazing kids. It means nothing (ok, it means something but its best not to make an identity out of it).

 

I think it is quite a journey in those early years to remember that your child does not really reflect you. They are their own person completely. When your child bites someone else's child at playgroup at age 2- its a complete embarrassment and I found it very humbling. We are so close to our children we feel they are an extension of us and its good to remember they really aren't. When they behave badly, or are not up with the rest- it is not personal.

 

Its natural to want to show off an advanced child, but really, its best not to take them personally. The next child might be autistic or disabled- what, are they less of an amazing being because of it?

All kids are amazing. All of them.

 

That is lovely, Peela, and so, so true. I esp love the bolded part. When I was comparing one son to another (the one with Aspie to the one without) I took a lot of blame. We didn't know he had Aspergers. My husband said, If you have to take credit for the bad, you have to take credit for the good, and you know both aren't really caused by you!

 

He was right.

 

OP, one thing I think is useful about comparing--there are certain developmental milestones and averages that can be helpful in seeing if a child is truly behind or outside the norm. They are not set in stone, but they can be useful to notice red flags that need outside help. That's the only way I compare kids, and even then I take it with a grain of salt.

[rwilliams]

I'm going to preface this by saying my oldest dd is only 4, so I know I shouldn't even be worrying at this point yet.

 

But, how do you stop yourself from comparing your kid to other kids in the same age group? Especially if you frequent mommy forums and such? One site I belong to has a group comprised completely of parents with kids born the same month as my DD. At barely 4 years old they're already talking about my kid can read these words or my son has been writing his name since he was 3 1/2. My daughter can write about half of her name and while she knows all her letter sounds when we looked at the first BOB book she didn't show much interest and got frustrated so I put it away. Then I read about other kids her age reading, some possibly whole books, and I wonder if I'm failing her.

 

So how do you keep yourself from comparing your kids to other kids? Even if I avoid the online stuff (which I plan on doing from now on) there's still playdates, talking with parents at co-ops or other activities as they get older. How do you reassure yourself that they're not 'behind' when you've taken their education onto your shoulders?

 

 

These skills that other Moms are bragging about...early reading, writing etc... are not the only skills a child needs to learn. In fact, I believe that when we fill up a young childs day with developmentally advanced skills like reading and writing we are taking away from the time they need to be playing to build a strong sensory-motor foundation. I on purpose did not teach my child anything structured before 5 but just let him play and exposed him to a variety of exploratory learning opportunities. His environment was rich but he was not expected to produce. I would say to myself that I was building a strong sensory-motor foundation so that learning would be easier when the time came. Now if another child is a more advanced reader....I can console myself with visions of the strong foundation my child has instead of the just specific skills. So an example of the benefits of a strong sensory-motor foundation.....His reading in on grade-level not advanced but when put in a karate class or gymnastics class he learns the skills very easily and is one of the better students. I do think this was all the climbing, gymnastics classes, kindermusic classes etc... we filled our time with before 5. He is very adaptable socially. He can play with anyone and fit in anywhere even though he is an only child and has always been homeschooled. I think this skill is from being exposed to so many different things all his life. So just comfort yourself with the things your daughter is learning that are I think more important than reading before 5. I value non-academic skills highly!!

[kalanamak]

They are their own person completely. .

 

:iagree:

 

This was one of only two pieces of advice my mom gave me about parenting, which reflects on how important she felt it to be (after having a small child underfoot for 24 straight years).

 

There is a quote I love, which I've seen attributed to the Buddha: A child is but a visitor in the house.

[Mynyel]

My ds2.5 thinks everything is pink and knows no numbers are letters. He can count 8,9,10 but not 1,2,3.

 

However, according to my mom my cousins baby who is about 6 months younger than mine supposedly knows his colors and letters. Makes me wonder what I am doing wrong but I also figure everything comes out in the wash.

 

By the time our kids are all 18 they will know almost the same amount of stuff. And, hopefully, mine will know mare since we homeschool! :001_tt2:

[lllll]

..

[Old Dominion Heather]

At some point, someone said to me to remember that Your child is not your report card.

 

Your little one will get it when she gets it. Who knows at what price the other kids get stuff early? I pushed my oldest to learn to read. I pushed hard, I pushed every day and I didn't give up when it led to tears...

 

So, the main thing *I* remember about his pre-K and K and part of first grade years is feeling frustrated and how often he cried. It isn't something I am proud of.

 

He was reading well around the time he turned seven, and I had made him feel like I wasn't pleased with him for the two years prior by continuing to worry over what he couldn't do rather than celebrate what he could do.

 

He would have read well when he was seven if I have kept the instruction lite and easy and fun, too. I am convinced that I did nothing to help him during those years. If anything, I came close to crippling him out of fear of failing ME.

 

His little brother learned to read pretty much on his own by the time he was 4. I had nothing to do with it. The older is is just as intelligent. He competes on a state level in robotics, reads Lord of the Rings for fun, runs competitively and is capable of wonderful things... and so is his little brother and so is my youngest.

[Laurie4b]

A friend of mine who has taught 3rd grade for years frequently says, "Extraordinary at 3; ordinary in 3rd grade." What she's saying is that there is a developmental window for these things and it tends to even out by 3rd grade. Just as a child who walked at 9 months is no more likely to be an Olympic athlete than a child who walked at 11 months, so you can't really correlate preschool academic achievement with later academic achievement.

 

So I guess I'd say stay off of forums that make you feel worried. I grew up in the era when there were no preschools. Our cohort did quite well on the SAT, etc. Preschool is a recent fad. I would advise you to make the preschool years rich in experience: read to your child, take nature walks with your child, go to museums with your child, make sure your child has lots of exercise, lots of time for free play, lots of outdoor time, lots of snuggly time, etc, but don't feel at all compelled to formally teach anything unless your child is asking for it.