What to do with clingyness...

[Mynyel]

Hmm is clingyness even a word? Anyway. My ds2.5 is/has been a bit of a pain in the rump ;)

 

Has anyone had a child like this?

 

Every. Single. Day. he wakes up crying and grumpy from a nap. He won't take long naps either. It can be silent as a tomb in the house or WWIII can be going on, he will not sleep more than an hour, usually less. Then he wakes up crying and carrying on until I pick him up, then he falls asleep in my lap and will stay that way as long as I hold him and wake up fine. If I try to lay him down he will immediately wake up. I am wondering if there is anything I can do as this has been his MO since birth. The only time he wakes up happy is if we are out and about, he wakes up fine in the car.

 

I have tried ignoring, offering food/drink, watch TV, playing, reading, going outside...nothing makes him happy except being in my lap. I am really tired of being tied down everyday for 90 minutes or so while he gets his nap in. I don't have time for that. It wasn't so bad when he was smaller, I would just wear him, but now... at 35 (maybe more) pounds I can't carry him for that long, kills my back!

 

Anyone BTDT or suggestions? :bigear:

[Lisa R.]

I just wanted to say that I had a son that was a very clingy baby and toddler. It was exhausting. I carried him, held him, and carried him some more.

 

Now he is 17. He is over 6 feet tall, over 200 pounds--built like a linebacker. He's a lifeguard and has already rescued one young boy. He gives me hugs in public. He sees me and tells his friends, "Hey! That's my mom."

 

I have no idea how you can settle down your little boy for now. I never really figured it out either. I just gave him the attention that I thought he needed--like you're doing now. Maybe someone else will chime in and tell you something that will work.

 

I just want you to know that it is a season, and it will get better one day. When he is a teenager and wraps his arms around you, then you can remind him him about his past behavior. He'll laugh like my son. You'll laugh too. Really! Trust me on this.

[Rosie_0801]

You indulge it until you feel that 10 more seconds is going to make you commit a crime. Then you shut yourself in the bathroom and cry until enough of the tension drains away that your mothers' heart is able to react to the distress on the other side of the door. You open up, cry together for a bit, then go back to what you were doing. When your husband comes home, you give him a brittle smile and barricade yourself in the bedroom so none of them can get you.

 

Then one day, you realise it has been ages since that happened.

 

Have you tried laying down with him on your bed? Sometimes I could get dd to sleep there and roll away without disturbing her. Don't even think about setting precedents. "I'm going nuts" trumps everything else. If that doesn't work, I think you will have to have time to sit with him, and you don't have time for all the other things you'd rather be doing. Can you have him sleep in your lap on the couch while you do read-alouds?

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Kebo]

I had one of those, too! The very first time he slept through the night he was 3 1/2 years old. Naps were never relaxing -- they were too short and too much work, and he usually woke up out of sorts as well. It was a relief to say goodbye to them.

 

Sometimes I would try to find something to catch his interest right after napping, such as a bath or a walk or a special TV show, so that he would forget his crankiness. It helped a little. In retrospect, I wonder if he had silent reflux. I wish I had pursued it more with his pediatrician.

 

But, he did grow out of it. He is now 13 and sleeps like a log.

[Goldilocks]

Sounds like my first ds. I could manage alright because I didn't have any other children. It must be hard for you.

My son grew out of his issues at different ages. The crying after naps stopped about 3 years old when we stopped naps. Not following me around the house ended at some point. Going to Sunday School or a co-op class alone happened at about 7 or 8.

I don't have any advice about what to do--except just accept this part of his personality and know that it will get better. I spent a lot of time being frustrated with my son.

[Giraffe]

Miss Clings-A-Lot is 3 1/2. It's gotten so bad that I've actually set up a mattress in her room because she wakes up at least once, sometimes as many as six times, a night. Every. Single. Night. For as long as I can remember. And if I'm honest, before this started she slept next to my side of the bed in our room in a pack-n-play (or in the bed with us). She screams, cries, panics if I'm not in the room with her. So I start in my own room in my own bed with DH while she's in her room, but by 4am I'm in her room. Sometimes it's earlier. I've been trying to decide if I need to get professional help for her or if she's just a clingy kid who needs her mommy.

 

She stopped napping at 18 months. And won't have quiet time unless I'm right there with her, lying on the couch or next to her bed.

 

She has always hated being separated from me. Always. Right now she's at my elbow playing with Play Doh while I "press buttons". She's sweet, a little shy (but growing out of it), loves her Daddy, likes to tease me that she's Grandma's Girl and not mine - but she has to have me at night. And won't stay at Grandma's for more than three hours tops. After that she wants to come home and see her Mommy.

 

You do what you can. It's exhausting and I treasure my mornings when she's in preschool. The afternoons are all kid, all the time. She even wants to go to the garage with me when I put in/take out loads of laundry. I take comfort in the fact that they do grow out of it. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :tongue_smilie:

Edited January 2, 2011 by Hopscotch67
To add napping info

[katilac]

I used a hip carrier, the kind that is pretty much just a big seat and then a strap that slings across me (so you're just setting them on/off, not hooking them up or anything).

 

Can you experiment with giving up the nap? If it's only for an hour, it may not be difficult to transition out of it.

[Mynyel]

Whew, just knowing that it isn't just me (or my parenting) is very helpful. Sometime just talking it out and reading others go through the same thing is cathartic.

 

Thank you ladies! (and any gents!)

:grouphug:

[Mynyel]

I used a hip carrier, the kind that is pretty much just a big seat and then a strap that slings across me (so you're just setting them on/off, not hooking them up or anything).

 

Can you experiment with giving up the nap? If it's only for an hour, it may not be difficult to transition out of it.

 

I had thought of it but he will come to me and say "I tired" and want to take a nap. So he isn't quite ready for no naps. And if I try to keep him up? Well we just don't do it, he is cantankerous enough after a nap let alone when he can't get to sleep when he wants!

[Giraffe]

Whew, just knowing that it isn't just me (or my parenting) is very helpful. Sometime just talking it out and reading others go through the same thing is cathartic.

 

Thank you ladies! (and any gents!)

:grouphug:

 

I agree - thanks for posting. I was seriously starting to lose it with DD, but knowing I'm not alone makes it easier.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[justasque]

Have you tried laying down with him on your bed? Sometimes I could get dd to sleep there and roll away without disturbing her.

 

I had a similar kid, and this worked for me. Sometimes.

 

Then one day, you realise it has been ages since that happened.

 

I just wanted to say that I had a son that was a very clingy baby and toddler. It was exhausting. I carried him, held him, and carried him some more. Now he is 17.

...

He gives me hugs in public. He sees me and tells his friends, "Hey! That's my mom." I have no idea how you can settle down your little boy for now. I never really figured it out either. I just gave him the attention that I thought he needed--like you're doing now. I just want you to know that it is a season, and it will get better one day. When he is a teenager and wraps his arms around you, then you can remind him him about his past behavior. He'll laugh like my son. You'll laugh too. Really! Trust me on this.

 

And it turned out this way for me too.

It seems like forever right now, and a huge pain, but enjoy it while you're in this season of your relationship. You'll be glad you made that investment in your child - it really does pay off in the long run.

[Peela]

I agree with the others that giving as much as you can now will pay off later. Kids need a lot at that age and some really need a lot. When they don't get their tank filled, it can set up needy patterns for life.

 

But, as mother of one needy one, I can say that I am glad I went the way I went with him and allowed it as much as I could. It wasn't easy...and you do have to know your own limitations.

 

Attachment parenting is based on the idea that little kids really need to feel completely secure when they are little...and independence will grow out of that sense of security and a knowing that needs will be met. I did the fmaily bed (to an extent) and long term breastfeeding and all that because it made sense to me, as well as homeschooling, and I can say I have 2 incredibly independent kids. Could be coincidence but they didnt inherit it form me! Ds was very, very needy though.

 

But still, as Rosie says, no matter our intentions to give what we can, it can also be too much- I dont think we are meant to live such isolated lives and community is more natural to fill those needs in kids...but we jsut do our best and I had many a time I would just lose it and escape one way or another.

[Corraleno]

I just wanted to say that I had a son that was a very clingy baby and toddler. It was exhausting. I carried him, held him, and carried him some more.

 

Now he is 17. He is over 6 feet tall, over 200 pounds--built like a linebacker. He's a lifeguard and has already rescued one young boy. He gives me hugs in public. He sees me and tells his friends, "Hey! That's my mom."

 

I have no idea how you can settle down your little boy for now. I never really figured it out either. I just gave him the attention that I thought he needed--like you're doing now. Maybe someone else will chime in and tell you something that will work.

 

I just want you to know that it is a season, and it will get better one day. When he is a teenager and wraps his arms around you, then you can remind him him about his past behavior. He'll laugh like my son. You'll laugh too. Really! Trust me on this.

:iagree:

My DS was the ultimate velcro-baby and toddler, and it was exhausting at the time, but now I've got a sweet, affectionate almost-13 year old who doesn't argue or fight with me about anything, really, despite hitting puberty and being an inch taller than me. He's a wonderful kid and although he still has issues with anxiety, I have no doubt that they would be much much worse if he hadn't gotten the attention and security he needed when he was little.

 

Did you see this recent thread about high-needs kids and where they are now? Maybe it will provide some comfort to know that they do grow out of it, and usually become wonderfully confident and independent kids.

 

Jackie

[Forget-Me-Not]

You indulge it until you feel that 10 more seconds is going to make you commit a crime. Then you shut yourself in the bathroom and cry until enough of the tension drains away that your mothers' heart is able to react to the distress on the other side of the door. You open up, cry together for a bit, then go back to what you were doing. When your husband comes home, you give him a brittle smile and barricade yourself in the bedroom so none of them can get you.

 

Then one day, you realise it has been ages since that happened.

 

 

Wise words!

 

I have one of these too. She rarely napped, even as a very tiny infant, and if she did it was brief and almost always while she was ON me somehow. We co-slept exclusively for the first 4 months of her life out of sheer desperation. She was a grumpy baby, and from day one she had a short list of people who were 'allowed' to hold her. It consisted of me, DH and my mom. If I handed her to anyone else she would scream.

 

She got easier when she became mobile, but the real difference came when she became verbal. One day she said to me, "I'm mad at Daddy because he won't let me have another popsicle!" It startled me at first, because she'd gone from one- and two-word phrases to complex sentences like that, almost overnight it seemed. Then I rejoiced because SHE COULD TELL ME WHAT SHE WANTED!!!!

 

She's 5 1/2 now and extremely bright and most days she is sweet and delightful, but she's still a kid that likes to have physical contact. I affectionately call her a barnacle. :D

 

Hang in there! It does get easier!

Edited January 3, 2011 by LemonPie

[Mrs Mungo]

We called my middle dd "the velcro baby." I swear I couldn't put her down. One day (at around 2 or so), it switched it off and became the most independent child you've ever met. I have a personal theory that children who are destined to be independent and daring need a lot of reassurance upfront that allows them to become that way.

 

As an example of how bad it was:

 

My dh worked a lot of very long hours. He came home one day when she was around 9 or 10 months old. She was sitting on the floor with a box of tissues, pulling them out one at a time. He shouted "ah! look! she's got the tissues, why are you letting her do that?!?" I *lost my mind* on him, I cried, I accused him caring more about a box of tissues than me, all of that. I RARELY cry or freak out, so he stared at me like my head had just fallen off, walked out, walked back in and pretended it never happened. :D

Edited January 3, 2011 by Mrs Mungo

[Heather in Neverland]

It seems like forever right now, and a huge pain, but enjoy it while you're in this season of your relationship. You'll be glad you made that investment in your child - it really does pay off in the long run.

 

My 12.5yo ds was the same way and slept in our bed forever. But at 12 he is very affectionate and very bonded with me and dh. I think it was worth it. Can you use the 90 minutes to get your own nap? or read a book? :D

[Rebecca VA]

My daughter slept in our bed until she was four or so. She would hold hands with me in her sleep and push herself right up against me. There were many nights when I almost fell out of bed because she took up all the space. She held hands everywhere we'd go. I'm so extremely glad I indulged her in all of this. The poor little thing was a late talker and couldn't express herself in words. I can't even imagine how horrible I'd feel now (she's almost 14) if I had rejected and pushed her away when she wanted to be with me so much.

 

My one respite was her "quiet time" in the early afternoon. She didn't always need to take a nap, so I set a baby gate up at her bedroom door and let her play in her room. She couldn't come out, but she could see me going up and down the hall doing chores. I made sure there were many fascinating toys in her room so that she wouldn't just hang out at the gate the whole time.

[Pippen]

I had two babies along these lines. One had some sensory issues so I'd suggest doing some reading up on Sensory Processing Disorder if you're not familiar with it to see if anything rings a bell. Some kids with sensory issues shy away from touch, while others will seek out high levels of pressure, heat, or contact to find the right level of sensory comfort.

 

My other baby was just very tactile baby. She was the one that would be calmed with a hand placed on her. Also the one that wanted to sleep pressed up against a warm body so she mostly slept with us until age 5 when we discovered that she really liked a high loft mummy sleeping bag.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I just wanted to say that I had a son that was a very clingy baby and toddler. It was exhausting. I carried him, held him, and carried him some more.

 

Now he is 17. He is over 6 feet tall, over 200 pounds--built like a linebacker. He's a lifeguard and has already rescued one young boy. He gives me hugs in public. He sees me and tells his friends, "Hey! That's my mom."

 

I have no idea how you can settle down your little boy for now. I never really figured it out either. I just gave him the attention that I thought he needed--like you're doing now. Maybe someone else will chime in and tell you something that will work.

 

I just want you to know that it is a season, and it will get better one day. When he is a teenager and wraps his arms around you, then you can remind him him about his past behavior. He'll laugh like my son. You'll laugh too. Really! Trust me on this.

 

That was where I was going to go with this too. The time they are so small is infinitesimal and gone so quickly. As the parent of two older girls now, I would kill for them to fit in my lap just one more precious hour. :grouphug: