ondreeuh Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Dd invited 7 people over for a NYE party. One of them (girl A) was actually invited by me because I was over talking to her mom and mentioned Chloe was having a party and was going to invite her. She said she would come. They live next door this didn't require any coordinating of rides. She and dd have been friends for many years, hang out often, and went shopping together a few days ago. A couple of the girls already had plans so she was down to five guests. We still bought decorations, planned a menu and decided on some games. Two days before the party one girl says she has to babysit and another girl (who had been non-committal and had not really responded to the texts) said she was sorry but couldn't make it. Down to 3, and one of them can't even spend the night. On the day of the party I talked to the mom of girl A on the phone and mentioned that we'd be seeing her dd that night. She was confused and put her dd on the phone. Girl A told me that my daughter hadn't officially invited her so she had made other plans. I asked her if she wanted to tell Chloe that and she said sure, so they talked for a bit and Chloe was cheerful and told her it was fine. DD was disappointed but I think it hit me much harder. Dd had thought the girl had committed so she didn't talk to her personally, so I understand why there could MAYBE be confusion but you would think Girl A would talk to her before making other plans. We made dinner expecting at least two guests. The one who couldn't spend the night called at the last minute and said her mom wouldn't let her come because people were shooting guns into the air (in celebration) in her neighborhood. (My thought - then why would you think it was safer to STAY?). So we were down to one. This girl is a lot of fun and she and dd sang karaoke and had a good time. I went upstairs and cried though because I thought my dd's friends had really let her down. So imagine how I felt when I logged onto facebook this morning and Girl A has posted a ton of pictures of her OWN NYE party that included the non-committal girl. Right next door. I'm ticked off for a few reasons: 1) Girl A didn't check with my dd to confirm plans before making her own 2) If Girl A really didn't think Chloe was having a party then she should have invited her over to her own - they are FRIENDS for goodness sake. 3) If Girl A did know Chloe was having her own party then it was INCREDIBLE RUDE to throw her own party next door, not invite dd, and post photos on FB 4) Non-committal girl clearly knew she was invited to 2 parties, chose Girl A's over Chloe's, and waited until the last minute to tell Chloe she couldn't come. My dd never wants to cause drama or look desperate so she will put on a brave face and cheerfully tell people that everything is OK, but sometimes I just want her to get mad! DD was going to give Girl A and non-committal girl their Christmas presents at the party, which were handmade scrapbooks chronicling the many years of their friendships. Girl A's book goes back eight years. I'm sure she'll give them the books but I don't think they deserve them. Thank you for letting me vent here before I say something I really regret to the people involved! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 WOW! That is really crummy and extremely rude. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Ouch. That hurt my heart just reading it:(. I'm so sorry that happened. Thank goodness she at least had the one friend show up. My mom always said if you have just one true friend in life, you're doing okay. Definitely don't let your daughter know it bothered you. As for the other girls. Don't worry about that. You'll just get yourself even more upset, ykwim? Your daughter had a great time in spite of them, and it sounds like they are fairweather friends anyway. My heart would've hurt too though. I'm sorry that happened:grouphug: Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Kinda surprised that mom of Girl A (next door) didn't instruct her daughter to go to Chloe's party as she said she would, OR to invite her to the party if she thought that party was no longer on. Mom was clearly aware of the situation -- i can't imagine I would've let it evolve the way it did. (if I were the mom) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I would have been in my room crying for her, too. That's a rotten way to treat a 'friend'. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Kinda surprised that mom of Girl A (next door) didn't instruct her daughter to go to Chloe's party as she said she would, OR to invite her to the party if she thought that party was no longer on. Mom was clearly aware of the situation -- i can't imagine I would've let it evolve the way it did. (if I were the mom) Oh good point!! Well, that makes them extra big stinkers. It reminds me of the movie, "Mean Girls". Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 That stinks. I'm sorry. What to say about teen girls...I've learned to carefully watch over my girls friendships and warn them when I sense some insincerity or thoughtlessness on other girls' parts. Not all girls are shallow and rude and I'm trying to help them be discerning and develop relationships with girls who are just as sweet as they are. But, feelings get hurt and that's always hard for us moms to see :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 That stinks. I'm sorry. What to say about teen girls...I've learned to carefully watch over my girls friendships and warn them when I sense some insincerity or thoughtlessness on other girls' parts. Not all girls are shallow and rude and I'm trying to help them be discerning and develop relationships with girls who are just as sweet as they are. But, feelings get hurt and that's always hard for us moms to see :sad: :iagree: my dd is only 10 but I am also teaching heer about protecting her heart in friendships. Hard lessons. Sorry Andrea. My heart would be hurting too.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I seriously cannot even believe the neighbor (girl A) talked to your daughter on New Year's Eve and not only said she wasn't coming to your dd's party...but she KNEW she was having her own party & didn't have the decency to even say-so and extend an invitation to your child. Plus, she invited the same guests???? Wow. She.is.NOT.a.friend!! Your daughter is much better off without her. I'm so sorry.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awtl Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 :grouphug: I feel so bad for your daughter! It's good she has such a great attitude about it. Sounds like she's a very wonderful young lady. Too bad that happened to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 I've been trying to talk myself out of being mad, and I'm willing to consider that Girl A planned on coming, but when/if she didn't get any invitation from DD she thought she was the one being ditched, which would explain not inviting DD to her own shindig. That's kind of a reach, though, and I'm reasonably sure that DD included her in the texts she sent to the others informing them of the plans. I am also telling myself that by the time Girl A found out it was a misunderstanding, she figured it was too late to invite DD since DD had her own guests coming over. When dd wakes up I'll ask her if she texted Girl A about the party, and if that's the case then Girl A really has no excuse and I'll probably say something to her mom about them not being as good of friends as we thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 That is a crummy situation. I want to cry for your dd now. In all honesty, it does sound like it could have been an honest error. The other mom was probably embarrassed when she found out your party was still on and didn't know what to say. Growing up can be so difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patches Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm so sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: To you and your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepymommy Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Oh I feel for your dd too:grouphug: This is one of the life lessons within adolescence that help us know who are true friends are. I remember those brutally hurtful lessons even today. Her brave and strong attitude is wonderful and it's obvious she's got a great Mom on her side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm willing to consider that Girl A planned on coming, but when/if she didn't get any invitation from DD she thought she was the one being ditched... Based on what you wrote it seems like there was confusion and misunderstanding and then an attempt to patch things in a socially awkward way. It really doesn't sound mean-spirited, but I would be ripping mad too. Try not to read too much into it, take it at face value and let your daughter deal with it as she wishes. She sounds like a mature, gracious young lady who will certainly be sought after more and more as she gets older. Sometimes wounds from our own past blind-side us a little bit when dealing with our children's experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry for your dd. One of my biggest difficulties in life has always been not understanding female-female interaction. This is mean and just stinks. Someone needs to say something so that at the very least they learn the lack of discreetness in FB. I'm not hopeful about them learning to be caring friends, because I don't have good feelings myself about packs of females. Edited January 2, 2011 by betty . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would be upset too....I'm sorry your DD's friends let her down. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm sorry. What snotty little b!tche$. Your dd is a darling, and she'll go further than those queenies ever dreamed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 :grouphug: This kind of thing makes me happy childhood doesn't last forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyz Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Next time I would plan to send nice "official" invitations. Texts are very informal imo and they may not have been taken seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joy at Home Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry this happened. It would break my mommy heart, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Next time I would plan to send nice "official" invitations. Texts are very informal imo and they may not have been taken seriously. I have a teen and everything is done through Facebook - inviting and RSVPing as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I have a teen and everything is done through Facebook - inviting and RSVPing as well. And a lot of teens put off RSVPing to the last minute in case something better comes up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 And a lot of teens put off RSVPing to the last minute in case something better comes up. Yep. For my ds's 16th birthday, we didn't know whether to expect 10 or 75. We ended up somewhere around 40. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 And a lot of teens put off RSVPing to the last minute in case something better comes up. My teens tried this...once. I don't think they'll try it again. I do wish other parents would not let their kids do this though. It's so rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 WOW! That is really crummy and extremely rude. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter. :grouphug: :iagree: I thought it wasn't that big of a deal until these 2 girls were right next door at another party!? How horrible. I'm so sad for her. I agree that girls can be so mean. I'm still set off by female group dynamics at age 40. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Update - I talked to Girl A's dad when I dropped off some cat food. I ended up kinda spilling my guts (poor guy!) and said way more than I should. Two minutes later Girl A comes to the door to apologize. I gave her a bit of a lecture but dd jumped in to reassure Girl A that she was NOT mad, in fact it was her own fault for not being more clear and she really didn't want Girl A to think she was upset or resentful because that would just make things awkward. As I said, my dd is the ultimate forgiver which is so strange to me because I can really hold a grudge. Then she reassured me that her feelings weren't hurt and she is secure in her friendships so she doesn't worry if people flake out occasionally. So basically dd, who was supposed to the one who was hurt, was the strong one and was playing counselor to her friend and I. I told dd that she was much wiser than I was and I wished I had her strength. I then went upstairs and cried because clearly I had made a huge mess of things and interjected my own issues into the situation. Now her parents have even more reason to think I am an emotional nutjob. I did go downstairs and talk to Girl A, explaining that I was hurt on dd's behalf and should have stayed out of it, and I apologized for basically calling her a bad friend. She said she understood and her mom would have done the same thing if the situation was reversed. She felt really badly that only one girl had come to Chloe's - she had figured Chloe had a bunch of people over. So Chloe gave her her Christmas present and they made plans to hang out tomorrow. So the lesson for me is to comfort my dd but STAY OUT OF IT because she is much better able to handle this stuff than I am, and I will just make it worse! I did joke with Chloe that she should worry about what will happen if a BOY ever does her wrong - it won't be dad she has to worry about with the shotgun! She was very gentle with me and told me I was a good mom for caring so much. I have a lot to learn from this kid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I don't think you did the wrong thing at all! By addressing this, you let the girl know you are looking out for your dd and are willing to get involved on her behalf~knowing that will help her (neighbor girl) be more conscientious of other's feelings. Personally, I think you did her a big favor. You're a good mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 :grouphug: It sounds like you've raised a very sweet daughter. Good job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaqar Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Your daughter is a gem. Way to go, Mom! I'm tearing up, because I would have felt just as you did. Thankful for resolution for you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm so glad that everything worked out and that your dd is so emotionally mature. I'd like to point out another way the situation could've been interpreted though. If I was Girl A and my mom came home and said "Oh, B's mom told me that B wanted to invite you to her party" I would've immediately thought that A didn't really want me at her party- after all, she didn't invite me herself. I would've wondered if B's mom was pushing B to invite me, that B didn't really want me there......it was all her mom's idea. Especially if we had recently been shopping together, hanging out, etc- how hard would it have been for B to mention it herself? As a teen, there is no way I would've shown up to a party if I thought it was a "pity invite". I know that it turned out that this wasn't the scenario- but I wanted to throw that out there as 'food for thought'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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