Processing anger

[Jean in Newcastle]

I rarely express anger. In fact, I don't feel angry a lot. I feel irritated, annoyed, or end up rolling my eyes at things, but usually I can make a joke of it. If a boundary has been crossed, I can establish the boundary or enforce it nicely but firmly. I do express my anger at times to my kids but it's usually more of a frustration thing than anything. I blow up and then cool down right away. Then we talk over what I was frustrated about.

 

Today I blew up at my neighbor. I think I've been stuffing my anger at her for a long time. I've also been allowing her to use me for a long time. Without going through the whole back story, our relationship has been characterized by stuff like last month when I was extremely ill and she called as soon as she knew I was home from the ER to ask if I was well enough to do her a favor. She called all that week before I finally told her to back off since I could barely walk down to the bathroom and back.

 

The last straw was that she left me hanging for 6 hours today with no word on when I needed to pick her up from the airport when her original flight was canceled. I didn't mind that I still had to take care of her house and dogs since obviously she couldn't help a canceled flight. But I had to put other errands and plans on hold because I couldn't get a hold of her and didn't know when she'd be coming in. She had the ability to get a hold of me but just chose not to. When she finally got a hold of me, she was unrepentant because she'd been too "busy" dealing with the changes to let me know anything of what was going on. This was the last straw in a long relationship of feeling used.

 

Now I'm not sure what to do with my anger. I don't know how to talk it through with her because I'm not sure if I even want a friendship with her anymore. And yet, I can't imagine being continually mad or cutting things off with a neighbor either.

[Elizabeth in WA]

no advice, just :grouphug:

 

Sorry you had to deal with this in your neighbor!

[kalanamak]

I cutting things off with a neighbor either.

 

Personally, I would do this with an icy heart, and sing a little tune inside with the words: living well is the best revenge.

 

Someone I respect once said (of the break up of boyfriends and girlfriends or spouses): the more garbage you put up with, the bitter you are when it ends. I tried to remember that, and morph it into: that was a lot of garbage and how LUCKY I am to be rid of it.

 

To clarify, icy is the wrong word. I meant "cool, calm" not "cold". My trick is to do a little imagery with such situations. I get calm, seated, eyes closed, and I think through a conversation with calm breathing until I can think of it without having to TRY to remain calm. I do the same thing when I'm getting ready for, e.g. surgery. By the time I go into the hospital, I'm floating on a cloud of mellow and I SWEAR I don't even feel the iv going in.

Edited December 14, 2010 by kalanamak

[Liz CA]

Jean, is this the same person who calls you at all hours (mostly inopportune ones) to discuss issues at great length?

 

I think your frustration - or anger at such disregard is completely justified. Sometimes we need to get angry, remember the righteous anger part?

 

You can still call her, better yet talk with her in person, and explain that you are not prepared to drop anything and everything to accommodate her. Maybe you will be able to help her now and then but it cannot be taken for granted that Jean is there and will do as expected.

 

Could this little "outburst" on your part mean that you should have put up a boundary a few miles back? You were probably too sick to deal with it and it progressed to a degree that triggered anger and frustration in you, justifiably so but could have perhaps been avoided had you been physically in better shape. After all the things you've been through, don't dwell on this incident. You probably said what should have been said long ago - maybe you would have preferred to have done it more gently and in different words. BUT... perhaps she needed to hear it in no uncertain terms?!

 

Can I just say what a nerve this woman has to call you to find out if you are well enough to run her errands????

Edited December 14, 2010 by Liz CA

[Rosie_0801]

When you're finished being angry with her for being a jerk, you can move on to being angry with yourself for putting up with it, then you can remember that you aren't any more and you'll feel better.

 

Well I dunno. You could try that :tongue_smilie:

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

no advice, just :grouphug:

 

Sorry you had to deal with this in your neighbor!

 

Thanks, Elizabeth!

 

he more garbage you put up with, the bitter you are when it ends.

 

I think there has been more garbage recently.

 

Jean, is this the same person who calls you at all hours (mostly inopportune ones) to discuss issues at great length?

 

Yes. See, the frustration and anger has been building up!

 

Could this little "outburst" on your part mean that you should have put up a boundary a few miles back? You were probably too sick to deal with it and it progressed to a degree that triggered anger and frustration in you, justifiably so but could have perhaps been avoided had you been physically in better shape. After all the things you've been through, don't dwell on this incident. You probably said what should have been said long ago - maybe you would have preferred to have done it more gently and in different words. BUT... perhaps she needed to hear it in no uncertain terms?!

 

Some boundaries were there. But you're right that I had let them lapse and the consequences of that built up to a boiling point.

 

Can I just say what a nerve this woman has to call you to find out if you are well enough to run her errands????

 

Yeah. Dh was pretty speechless at that one.

 

When you're finished being angry with her for being a jerk, you can move on to being angry with yourself for putting up with it, then you can remember that you aren't any more and you'll feel better.

 

Well I dunno. You could try that :tongue_smilie:

 

Rosie

 

I know that my anger will fade - at both her and myself.;)

 

The thing about my outburst today is that whenever anyone confronts her, the rhyme "I am rubber, you are glue, your words bounce off me and stick on you" seems to come into play. . . She'll lay low for a while and be mad at me, but I know that the next time she needs something she'll call. I just need to figure out how I want to respond when she does.

[Liz CA]

The thing about my outburst today is that whenever anyone confronts her, the rhyme "I am rubber, you are glue, your words bounce off me and stick on you" seems to come into play. . . She'll lay low for a while and be mad at me, but I know that the next time she needs something she'll call. I just need to figure out how I want to respond when she does.

 

"Well Jane, let me see what I have on the calendar...yes, I may be able to...but I have to be back here by...because...and if this time frame is too tight for you, then I am afraid I cannot do it."

 

OR, depending on the scenario: "Sorry, Jane, today I have a full schedule. Try me again though. I will be glad to help when I can. Hope all will work out for you. I have to go now. Good bye." :001_smile:

[shinyhappypeople]

I just need to figure out how I want to respond when she does.

 

"No, I won't be able to help with that. I have to go now. Hope things work out for you." Hang up. Proceed with life.

[shinyhappypeople]

"Well Jane, let me see what I have on the calendar...yes, I may be able to...but I have to be back here by...because...and if this time frame is too tight for you, then I am afraid I cannot do it."

 

OR, depending on the scenario: "Sorry, Jane, today I have a full schedule. Try me again though. I will be glad to help when I can. Hope all will work out for you. I have to go now. Good bye." :001_smile:

 

You're so much nicer than I am. :D

[Rosie_0801]

She'll lay low for a while and be mad at me, but I know that the next time she needs something she'll call. I just need to figure out how I want to respond when she does.

 

Is "Woah! Deja vu!" a polite answer?

 

:001_huh:

Rosie

[Liz CA]

You're so much nicer than I am. :D

 

Well, it's always easier to hypothetically come up with an answer when you are not the one on the spot. I have so much more time to think something up while I am typing. :001_smile:

[Peela]

Yes, Jean, in that other thread I did try to say that trying not to offend someone who is easily offended is just not worth it. Better they get offended and leave you alone. You are over extending yourself and the anger is really healthy...it leads you to your power, to being able to act decisively in your own favour, rather than letting yourself be used by someone who is insensitive. It's not bad to be angry- it's a sign you have let the whole thing go on too far already.

It's always better to be real than nice. Nice people are annoying because you don't really know where they are coming form. I love real people.

[nono]

You're so much nicer than I am. :D

 

 

Yes, but I vote for your "not as nice" ;) answer. Might help dissipate the anger to give a little of what this User neighbor deserves.

 

BTW, it's darn hard to just highlight one letter of a word in vBulletin. But I thought it was warranted. ;)

[Harriet Vane]

"No, I won't be able to help with that. I have to go now. Hope things work out for you." Hang up. Proceed with life.

 

:iagree: This is the response I like best. Stop participating. Be pleasant, but stop participating. And be absolutely oblivious to any undercurrents.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

[lionfamily1999]

I pray about it. I am TERRIBLE at dealing with anger, especially resentment. I ask God to help me love them for HIS sake and I relax and remember that God will deal out vengeance, I don't have to ;)

 

(Romans 12:21) :grouphug: On second thought... Romans 12 et all :lol:

[chickenpatty]

[quote=Peela;2256294.

It's always better to be real than nice.

 

So true. I am learning this the hard way.

[AuntieM]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

 

I understand, Jean, this is what I also struggle with, and would probably if I were in your shoes. But let me ask you, is she prompting displays of grace from you? Or something else? Are you able to see benefit (to her) from your previous extensions of grace?

 

I'll pm you...

[Hedgehog]

Jean - have you read "Games People Play"? I think you might find it interesting, and it might help you.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at this time. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

no advice, just :grouphug:

 

Sorry you had to deal with this in your neighbor!

[nono]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

 

Hmmm, I was taught differently. (R. C.) Actual grace is supposed to be the transient thing that helps one or others' soul grace. You are giving, but if she's not receiving, then she's not going to hold onto her own soul grace.

 

I don't know what any official teaching is on the matter, but seems like just giving in to someone who's an oaf all the time isn't necessarily grace after a certain period of time. Perhaps giving grace would be the less gentle approach of holding someone accountable for their bad behavior to another human being. After all, Jesus could give a good lecture when he was in the mood. ;)

[simka2]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

 

I wonder a bit at this. No condemnation, but I don't quite think it's this back and white. Jesus had specific things he had to do, many times people wanted him to help them on their time table, but he wouldn't deviate from what he was supposed to be doing.

 

The point of grace, in the God context, is that he did what we COULDN'T ever hope to accomplish for ourselves. How many times has this woman been able to take care of her issue without your help? Are you just easy to use?

 

I struggle with this to. Sometimes I think...if God has brought this person my way...then they are the one I am supposed to help today.

 

But, when I start to feel resentment it's usually because I may have missed the "way" in which I was supposed to help. Sometimes saying "No" to an overly dependent person is a bigger ministry.

 

I also, remember that God was the inventor of boundaires!!!! Just think about your skin. If everything could just get straight to your insides you would be very sick! Your body naturally say's "No!" to many space invaders...this is for your physical health. God gave you wisdom, to set up personal boundaires....helping to maintain your emotional health!!!

 

Hope that helps!!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is true that I don't want to be an enabler. . . and I suppose that is what I've been.

[simka2]

It is true that I don't want to be an enabler. . . and I suppose that is what I've been.

 

Do I sense a note of shame here? ;) No shame!!!! You are a wonderful and caring person!!!!

 

Actually, I think the bigger issue is learning to deal with the anger. It's okay to be angry. Your anger is something God gave you to get your attention!!!!

 

So go, put her initials on a few golf balls and swing HARD!!!!!!

[shinyhappypeople]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

 

This is embarrassing to admit, but maybe it will be helpful.

 

(deep breath... y'all please don't judge me forever for this...)

 

I used to be like your neighbor sometimes.

 

Here's the deal. I grew up in a very messed up family environment where boundaries were shattered or just non-existent 99% of the time. Through the modeling of my parents I was taught to be a taker or a martyr and took on both roles depending on the circumstances. In my world, the only way to get a need met was to push and ask until you got what you want. That's all I knew. I wasn't evil just clueless and insensitive. I didn't mean to be a jerk, and I wasn't always a jerk. But, sometimes... :tongue_smilie:

 

It took some gentle souls setting boundaries and *insisting that I respect them* for me to learn a different, better way of relating. I'm thinking of one situation where where my clueless lack of consideration or respect for boundaries cost me the relationship. It hurt like hell but, now that time has passed, I can see it was absolutely for the best.

 

In another relationship, I took the boundary personally. Basically I thought: You have this boundary because you don't like ME, instead of the reality, which was: You have this boundary because it's healthy for YOU - and not really about me personally at all. Does that make sense? We lost touch for YEARS (my choice, I was mad about her not giving in and doing what I needed/wanted her to do) Anyway, I did end up reconnecting with her and we're having a much nicer, healthier time this go-round. :)

 

I say all that to say this: Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to say no. As for me, I'm in a different place now and am so grateful for the lessons I learned way back when.

 

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

 

Hope this was somewhat helpful...

[lllll]

..

[simka2]

This is embarrassing to admit, but maybe it will be helpful.

 

(deep breath... y'all please don't judge me forever for this...)

 

I used to be like your neighbor sometimes.

 

Here's the deal. I grew up in a very messed up family environment where boundaries were shattered or just non-existent 99% of the time. Through the modeling of my parents I was taught to be a taker or a martyr and took on both roles depending on the circumstances. In my world, the only way to get a need met was to push and ask until you got what you want. That's all I knew. I wasn't evil just clueless and insensitive. I didn't mean to be a jerk, and I wasn't always a jerk. But, sometimes... :tongue_smilie:

 

It took some gentle souls setting boundaries and *insisting that I respect them* for me to learn a different, better way of relating. I'm thinking of one situation where where my clueless lack of consideration or respect for boundaries cost me the relationship. It hurt like hell but, now that time has passed, I can see it was absolutely for the best.

 

In another relationship, I took the boundary personally. Basically I thought: You have this boundary because you don't like ME, instead of the reality, which was: You have this boundary because it's healthy for YOU - and not really about me personally at all. Does that make sense? We lost touch for YEARS (my choice, I was mad about her not giving in and doing what I needed/wanted her to do) Anyway, I did end up reconnecting with her and we're having a much nicer, healthier time this go-round. :)

 

I say all that to say this: Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to say no. As for me, I'm in a different place now and am so grateful for the lessons I learned way back when.

 

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

 

Hope this was somewhat helpful...

 

 

This was a beautiful post!!! Thank you for your honesty;)

[mom4him]

I know that the next time she needs something she'll call. I just need to figure out how I want to respond when she does.

This is the real key for you. You are neighbors and I do all I can to be a good one. That is a good neighbor not a door mat for them to walk on every time they need to wipe their feet.

When she calls and I am sure she will, these kind of people always do, I would simply tell her that I do not have the time nor energy to ............what ever it is. I would not feel compelled to explain why and if she asks I would remind her that the last time you agreed to do something for her she needlessly put your life on hold for.....hrs and with a family you simply can not do that.:grouphug:

[shinyhappypeople]

Sometimes saying "No" to an overly dependent person is a bigger ministry.

 

 

:iagree:

[rwjx2khsmj]

I understand the need for boundaries.

 

And I understand the need to be real.

 

Here's what I struggle with. I feel like God puts Himself out for us even though He was/is sometimes used. That's grace isn't it - to give to someone what they don't deserve? If that's right, then I shouldn't withhold grace from others even if I'm used. But then I feel this resentment and anger because I am. . .

 

Yes, God does give us grace. God also gives us a clear picture of loving our neighbor as ourselves. In variety of situations throughout the Old and New Testaments, God sets REALLY clear boundaries and expectations. It doesn't do us or God any favors to focus on one part of God's nature and discard the others.

[FaithManor]

(((HUGS))) Jean,

 

I know what you mean about extending God's Grace to others because He has been so generous with us. But, we do also need to remember that He does give us priorities. The relationship with this woman is now affecting a much higher priority, you being a healthy wife and mother and available to your family.

 

There is a thing called tought love and she needs it. She has a serious issue using people and when boundaries are not drawn and enforced, it enables her to continue to be the kind of person that people will do anything to avoid. Who knows how many relationships she's broken...but the simple truth is, she is not your personal responsibility. You can break off this usery without being unChristian. What she is doing is wrong and whether or not she learns this lesson from you, is not your problem but you can be one that no longer enables her because frankly, it's bad for her too though she probably won't see that much less acknowledge it. Allowing people to continue a damaging course of action isn't a loving thing either.

 

So, I vote that you pleasantly, but firmly, draw boundaries so that she will leave you alone but know that if she had a true emergency, you hadn't been so angry with her that you wouldn't feel like you could go and help her without major issues.

 

Faith

[tex-mex]

"No, I won't be able to help with that. I have to go now. Hope things work out for you." Hang up. Proceed with life.

:iagree: I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. :grouphug: But that neighbor sounds very manipulative. You need to cut her out and move on. She is either socially clueless or quite diabolical and self-centered.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree: I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. :grouphug: But that neighbor sounds very manipulative. You need to cut her out and move on. She is either socially clueless or quite diabolical and self-centered.

 

She's not diabolical. She's a teenager stuck in a 30 something's body. She's self centered and yet when she asks for advice, doesn't take the advice because she "knows better". Shinyhappypeople, your post was very helpful. I've been there too and I do think that is where this woman is.

 

Having typed out explanations and read through the posts has helped me to put things into perspective at least a little better (I'm still working through this a bit). I've worked with a lot of pretty manipulative people over the years in ministry but they were populations of people (like the homeless) where I expected it. This woman has been a friend as well as a neighbor for 10 years and I think the manipulation sort of crept up around me. I think I'm having a harder time giving up the anger not because of her using or manipulating me but because I'm hurt that she really doesn't know how to care for me as a friend too.

[lionfamily1999]

She's not diabolical. She's a teenager stuck in a 30 something's body. She's self centered and yet when she asks for advice, doesn't take the advice because she "knows better". Shinyhappypeople, your post was very helpful. I've been there too and I do think that is where this woman is.

 

Having typed out explanations and read through the posts has helped me to put things into perspective at least a little better (I'm still working through this a bit). I've worked with a lot of pretty manipulative people over the years in ministry but they were populations of people (like the homeless) where I expected it. This woman has been a friend as well as a neighbor for 10 years and I think the manipulation sort of crept up around me. I think I'm having a harder time giving up the anger not because of her using or manipulating me but because I'm hurt that she really doesn't know how to care for me as a friend too.

If you told her this it could help a great deal. She'll probably be hurt and upset at first, but after some time she'll see the honesty in it.

[bigdogs29906]

You've gotten a lot of great advice, but I wanted to add in a book suggestion for you.

I just read it as part of my psychology class, and found it to be an interesting read.

It is called Thoughts and Feelings by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You've gotten a lot of great advice, but I wanted to add in a book suggestion for you.

I just read it as part of my psychology class, and found it to be an interesting read.

It is called Thoughts and Feelings by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning.

 

Jean - have you read "Games People Play"? I think you might find it interesting, and it might help you.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at this time. :grouphug:

 

I look for both of these. Thank you.

[Laurie4b]

I would write letters about it to God--one a day until the way is clear to you.