So mad!

[Mom in High Heels]

You guys know I'm a military spouse. I'm also a member of our local Spouses Club, which I normally love. We have luncheons once a month, and loads of social groups and give generously to our local community for scouting, scholarships, religious activities, etc. (our holiday bazaar donated $196K this year).

Our Dec luncheon is next week, and for whatever reason they decided to make it a "members only" lunch, which is ridiculous, because, well, it's usually just members and those who are planning to become members anyway. Since we live in Europe, many members bring their visiting moms or sisters to the monthly luncheons and it's all good. Last year at our 2 "member only" luncheons, the (then) president and several other Board of Governors were allowed to bring their visiting moms/sisters.

This year, I asked if, even though it's "member only," I could bring my mom (as did 2 other members with visiting moms) and was told yes, of course, bring your mom. I told my mom and she was very excited to go.

They held a BOG meeting yesterday and one BOG member (I know because I have friends on the BOG who told me, two who were very vocal about why this was wrong, but ignored by the "more powerful" member who opposed), said she felt it should be exclusive to members , so they decided no visiting moms. My downstairs neighbor saw me in the hall and told me what had happened, but I wasn't all that concerned because I had already made a reservation and had confirmation (on my email) that she could come. I checked my email last night to find a message from the reservations chair telling me that my mom was no longer allowed to come.

I am so mad. It's not like these luncheons are even free. We pay our membership fee and still have to pay for lunch and we were perfectly willing to pay for her. I'm so angry that during the holiday season (when they know perfectly well people have family visiting) they decide to make this a member only event. My mom is going to be so disappointed. I know I can take her out to lunch on our own, but it's not the same. I sent back an email letting them know how upset I am by this and that I'm not certain I want to continue being part of a group that is willing to exclude visiting family members from a holiday event. Four or five of my friends have offered to boycott the luncheon too in protest (none of them having visiting family, but are angry on my behalf), and while I appreciate the gesture, I'm not going to ask them to do that. I may ask them to send protest emails to the BOG though.

If you read this far, thanks. I just really needed to vent!

FYI, it's not like they do anything special at the Dec. luncheon. There are usually a few small trinket-y type gifts at each place setting, but nothing elaborate, and I know (from my friends who are on the luncheon committee) that they aren't planning anything different this year, so that's no reason to exclude visiting moms.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't blame you, I would be super-mad. It's doubly ridiculous to have a members-only event during the holidays, when people typically have visiting family. Use the money for a nice lunch out with you and your mom. I would ask to have all of my money refunded, since I wouldn't want to leave my mom at home while I went. They SHOULD refund your money, since you cleared this ahead of time and they changed their minds. :grouphug:

[Ibbygirl]

That stinks! How could they do that during the holidays? I agree with Mrs. Mungo. Get a refund and treat your mom to a nice day out. :)

[TheReader]

I don't blame you, I would be super-mad. It's doubly ridiculous to have a members-only event during the holidays, when people typically have visiting family. Use the money for a nice lunch out with you and your mom. I would ask to have all of my money refunded, since I wouldn't want to leave my mom at home while I went. They SHOULD refund your money, since you cleared this ahead of time and they changed their minds. :grouphug:

 

Yes, this.

 

I'm not military, but do live outside the US (as an ex-pat) and you are so right about how very wrong this is. To exclude the visiting family.....that's just nuts.

 

I'm sorry the BOG felt they had to do this, and I hope you and your mom are able to find an alternative that will feel just as nice as this would have. Maybe if your friends who are offering to skip the lunch really want to, you could all go to lunch together instead. Then you still get the girlfriend/chat with Americans time too. (though of course I understand why you wouldn't want to ask them to do that).

 

:grouphug:

[katemary63]

I don't blame you, I would be super-mad. It's doubly ridiculous to have a members-only event during the holidays, when people typically have visiting family. Use the money for a nice lunch out with you and your mom. I would ask to have all of my money refunded, since I wouldn't want to leave my mom at home while I went. They SHOULD refund your money, since you cleared this ahead of time and they changed their minds. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Snobs.

[TravelingChris]

I've been a member of Spouses or Officer Wives clubs for many, many years. We have only had a few functions that were members only- specifically Chrystal Bingo (since the point is winning the prizes and that is always sometime in spring), and some functions like the tour of Fort Myer homes that is only for spouses (to reduce the traffic) and the once a year Joint Spouses luncheon (also to accommodate the space since last year we had Michelle Obama and the year before Secretary Gates and the group has had the sitting President or VP before too).

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:It's disappointing and I understand your anger. This is the first year in 6 years that I have my parents for Christmas and if something like that happened, I would be angry too. Not fair.:grouphug:

 

On the upside, enjoy your mom! Heidelburg Germany, what a beautiful place to spend Christmas.

[KnitWit]

I'm not military, but I can't even begin to understand the logic behind this. I completely agree with Mrs. Mungo.

 

Good grief!

[mommaduck]

My mother always avoided any kind of wives or spouses support groups for just such attitudes. Thankfully sd was NCO, so we didn't have to deal with the amount of it that officer wives had to. One area we lived in, mix of civilian and military, heavy on officers and retired officers, the officer wives thought they could run the public, civilian school based on their husbands' rank. It was awful.

[Laurie4b]

I would protest by whatever means are available through the set-up of your organization.

 

I don't think a boycott would be inappropriate--it's a means of protest; however, if you don't want your friendsto do that (and it's nice of you not to want to), why don't you have a separate event with those friends and your mom and invite others as well? Sort of the "alternative" luncheon but at a different time.

 

The woman made a power play--either she doesn't like you and this is directed at you--or she is going to be doing stuff like this to people all the time.

[Rebecca VA]

It's known as the "Knives' Club" (take-off on the Officer Wives' Club) for a reason.

[mommaduck]

It's known as the "Knives' Club" (take-off on the Officer Wives' Club) for a reason.

So true!

[Irene Lynn]

Could it be that this lady or some others that she knows don't want to invite their family members and feel like they can't get out of it unless this rule is made? Maybe some people want this to be a moment of respite during a stressful holiday season from some toxic family members.

 

I am sorry that you (OP) were put in this awkward and disappointing position.

[Remudamom]

I'd be furious. I'd allow my friends to boycott on my behalf and all of you should go out together and make it a really special luncheon for your mom.

 

I'd take it all the way, but that's just me. Maybe you don't want to burn bridges in your situation, but I'd suggest a fart in the general direction of the jerks.

[OregonNative]

I don't blame you, I would be super-mad. It's doubly ridiculous to have a members-only event during the holidays, when people typically have visiting family. Use the money for a nice lunch out with you and your mom. I would ask to have all of my money refunded, since I wouldn't want to leave my mom at home while I went. They SHOULD refund your money, since you cleared this ahead of time and they changed their minds. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

Stuff like this makes me furious! Things like this are why I don't choose to have many female friends. I just don't get ppl like this.

Edited December 2, 2010 by OregonNative

[readwithem]

That's so strange. I'm so sorry for you!!! I would want to try to find out why this sudden change - do you think somebody is upset because they're not having guests during the holidays?

 

I'm so sad for you and for your mom. But I agree with the others - I hope you can do something nice with your mom - and if your protesting friends want to join you, that sounds like a great idea. :grouphug:

Edited December 2, 2010 by readwithem

[elfgivas]

i am so amazed that you actually enjoy the wives' club.

 

i'd take this as permission to not attend, and head off to rothenburg ob der tauber for the weekend.... or the nuremberg christmas market or ....

 

there are a ton of things more fun...

[Pretty in Pink]

I'd demand a full refund (if you've already paid) and instead spend the day at a Christmas market.

 

Why does one person's vote count more than everyone else's? I don't get it. The other committee members wanted to include guests but since this one woman said no that's just the end of it?

[cin]

To me, the holidays are about family (well, after the birth of Christ) and why would you (in general) schedule something so close to the holidays to which you CAN'T include family? And i understand that this is Officer's Wives, but what about the rest of the Officer's Family? Are they not giving up something too? Do they not need support? Excluding them sends the wrong message. YOUR sacrifice isn't as important as MY sacrifice.

 

And I would talk to the person in charge and demand to know why *1* person was able to change everything. That is not democratic. (which, btw, is what our men are fighting for!).

 

And I just don't get excluding family during the holidays. (unless, of course, their TOXIC!). And someone ELSE deciding that for you. UGH

 

I'd arrange, and advertise, a luncheon for wives and their visiting family :) And anybody else who would like to attend. except, maybe that one lady who said NO to family.

 

Ok, after reading that, I'm off to get another cup of coffee. My thoughts are there, just not well organized.

[Mom in High Heels]

You guys are awesome. I was afraid I was being unreasonable. This wasn't directed at me specifically (the person who talked to me about what went on said no names were mentioned-I asked) as there were 2 other members (3 of us total) who wanted to bring our moms.

According to the bylaws, we must have 2 member only functions a year and for whatever reason, they chose the holiday luncheon to be one of them. BTW, they are reviewing each and every bylaw next month and revising (this is one of the big ones up for revising as it doesn't make sense). There are loads of bylaws and I hope they have a great time reading and discussing them. :D

 

To the person who said they were surprised I enjoyed it, it is actually (usually) a lot of fun. I don't get involved in any of the drama (normally) and sit with my friends, eat lunch, maybe win a few door prizes (yay), listen to the guest speaker, laugh a lot and go home. It's nice to get out of the house for a few hours once a month and be around adults. I don't get involved in many of the other groups (though I'd love to, but I don't have the time) besides the wine club, which cuts down on the potential for drama. We're always happy at wine club. ;)

 

 

BTW, it's not just officer's wives (though most of us are), but a mix of officer, enlisted and civilian spouses. They used to have separate clubs, but mixed them about 5 years ago.

[Parrothead]

My mother always avoided any kind of wives or spouses support groups for just such attitudes. Thankfully sd was NCO, so we didn't have to deal with the amount of it that officer wives had to. One area we lived in, mix of civilian and military, heavy on officers and retired officers, the officer wives thought they could run the public, civilian school based on their husbands' rank. It was awful.

This was us too. (You and I have so much in common.) We went on base to get our ID cards updated and to go to the commissary. Every once in a great while we would go to the Exchange.

 

I'd be furious. I'd allow my friends to boycott on my behalf and all of you should go out together and make it a really special luncheon for your mom.

 

I'd take it all the way, but that's just me. Maybe you don't want to burn bridges in your situation, but I'd suggest a fart in the general direction of the jerks.

You always have such a wonderful way with words.

[Catwoman]

Sounds like a real weasel deal to me. I think you are correct to protest, to have others protest, and to demand a full refund.

 

The idea that you were given permission to bring your mom, and then it was rescinded, is incredibly rude!

 

I can't believe all of this came about because three extra people were going to be invited. I know it wasn't directed at you and your mom, but it sure sounds to me as though one of the other women (and her mom) were on someone's blacklist. It seems too odd that this would have suddenly happened if someone didn't have a nasty motive.

 

Cat

[Rosie_0801]

Four or five of my friends have offered to boycott the luncheon too in protest (none of them having visiting family, but are angry on my behalf), and while I appreciate the gesture, I'm not going to ask them to do that. I may ask them to send protest emails to the BOG though.

 

 

You didn't ask them to do that. They offered. Why not take them up on the offer? Don't turn people down when they break out of the cultural bounds of apathy! (Or maybe that's just where I come from...)

 

Why not thank them very nicely and ask them to come to the alternative ladies lunch, the one you and your mother happen to be hosting that day? The one you are hosting somewhere even nicer, with many more laughs. Instead of the trinkets, could you all go shopping after lunch to buy a special tree decoration. I don't know if my perceptions are correct, but I hold a belief that the Germans make way nicer Christmas decorations than we do. :)

 

Rosie

[Mrs Mungo]

You guys are awesome. I was afraid I was being unreasonable. This wasn't directed at me specifically (the person who talked to me about what went on said no names were mentioned-I asked) as there were 2 other members (3 of us total) who wanted to bring our moms.

According to the bylaws, we must have 2 member only functions a year and for whatever reason, they chose the holiday luncheon to be one of them. BTW, they are reviewing each and every bylaw next month and revising (this is one of the big ones up for revising as it doesn't make sense). There are loads of bylaws and I hope they have a great time reading and discussing them. :D

 

Do they go by calendar year or is it a September-May thing? Maybe their bylaws say 2 members-only functions per year and they are thinking they had better get one in now, if they haven't done one yet this year or if it's calendar year, maybe they have to get the second one in. I agree with the other poster, that members-only functions are usually for special events.

 

To the person who said they were surprised I enjoyed it, it is actually (usually) a lot of fun. I don't get involved in any of the drama (normally) and sit with my friends, eat lunch, maybe win a few door prizes (yay), listen to the guest speaker, laugh a lot and go home. It's nice to get out of the house for a few hours once a month and be around adults. I don't get involved in many of the other groups (though I'd love to, but I don't have the time) besides the wine club, which cuts down on the potential for drama. We're always happy at wine club. ;)

 

 

BTW, it's not just officer's wives (though most of us are), but a mix of officer, enlisted and civilian spouses. They used to have separate clubs, but mixed them about 5 years ago.

 

I like participating in the spouse groups when there is not drama. I've found drama to be rare. miserable when it happens, but much more rare than many people believe.

[mommytobees]

You guys know I'm a military spouse. I'm also a member of our local Spouses Club, which I normally love. We have luncheons once a month, and loads of social groups and give generously to our local community for scouting, scholarships, religious activities, etc. (our holiday bazaar donated $196K this year).

Our Dec luncheon is next week, and for whatever reason they decided to make it a "members only" lunch, which is ridiculous, because, well, it's usually just members and those who are planning to become members anyway. Since we live in Europe, many members bring their visiting moms or sisters to the monthly luncheons and it's all good. Last year at our 2 "member only" luncheons, the (then) president and several other Board of Governors were allowed to bring their visiting moms/sisters.

This year, I asked if, even though it's "member only," I could bring my mom (as did 2 other members with visiting moms) and was told yes, of course, bring your mom. I told my mom and she was very excited to go.

They held a BOG meeting yesterday and one BOG member (I know because I have friends on the BOG who told me, two who were very vocal about why this was wrong, but ignored by the "more powerful" member who opposed), said she felt it should be exclusive to members , so they decided no visiting moms. My downstairs neighbor saw me in the hall and told me what had happened, but I wasn't all that concerned because I had already made a reservation and had confirmation (on my email) that she could come. I checked my email last night to find a message from the reservations chair telling me that my mom was no longer allowed to come.

I am so mad. It's not like these luncheons are even free. We pay our membership fee and still have to pay for lunch and we were perfectly willing to pay for her. I'm so angry that during the holiday season (when they know perfectly well people have family visiting) they decide to make this a member only event. My mom is going to be so disappointed. I know I can take her out to lunch on our own, but it's not the same. I sent back an email letting them know how upset I am by this and that I'm not certain I want to continue being part of a group that is willing to exclude visiting family members from a holiday event. Four or five of my friends have offered to boycott the luncheon too in protest (none of them having visiting family, but are angry on my behalf), and while I appreciate the gesture, I'm not going to ask them to do that. I may ask them to send protest emails to the BOG though.

If you read this far, thanks. I just really needed to vent!

FYI, it's not like they do anything special at the Dec. luncheon. There are usually a few small trinket-y type gifts at each place setting, but nothing elaborate, and I know (from my friends who are on the luncheon committee) that they aren't planning anything different this year, so that's no reason to exclude visiting moms.

 

Ahhhhh!! I'd have gone with my mom anyway!!!! Now both my mom and I are.... um..... "opinionated" that way anyway, so neither of us would have balked at the "rejection" should it have happened.

 

Personally, they accepted your mom and then at the last minute said, "no".

 

Uh, huh! Ya..... NOT going to fly!

 

Kris