Would this bother you........

[Chloe]

and if so, what would you do about it?

 

I have a nephew right between the ages of my two sons. Actually, he is two months closer in age to my youngest son. He goes to ps and is only one year ahead of my youngest ds by grade (he was held back), but three years behind my oldest ds by grade. Anyway, he lives in the same town and is always inviting my oldest ds over to play on Saturdays. He never invites my youngest ds over. Well, he did once last summer, but I know that was because my in-laws (his grandparents) were at his house visiting and I'm sure requested he invite my younger son over as well. My SIL said they all got along great and had fun together. I see the same thing when nephew comes here to play or they are all together for family gatherings. So why do you suppose he never invites my younger son over? I'm baffled and feel terrible for my ds. Last weekend nephew called to invite older ds over, but dh said he couldn't go. He had some school work he had to finish up. Dh mentioned younger ds would love to play though. Nephew's response was....."Maybe another day." It has always been this way and it's really upsetting me. My younger ds is well-aware his cousin never wants to play with him, only his brother. I don't know what to do. My SIL makes excuses and claims her ds loves playing with my younger ds also. So why doesn't he ever get invited?! I end up having nephew come here to play with both boys many times so younger ds isn't left out. My nephew loves my older son to death, so I'm wondering if it's a jealousy issue. It's almost like nephew doesn't like younger ds because he has his older brother to his self most days. Weird, I guess, but I can't figure out any other reason. They all three have similar interests and play well together. It's just that nephew never voluntarily plays with younger ds. If this were just a friend I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this is family. They are cousins. I can't understand why my SIL doesn't make nephew invite both boys, at least some of the time. Anything I could or should do?

Edited November 15, 2010 by Chloe

[Mejane]

Yes, it would bother me. I'd say that older son can't come over, but nephew is welcome to come to our house from now on. Your sil needs to step up.

 

ETA: I agree an occasional exclusive playdate is fine, but every Saturday? No way.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Mejane

[lionfamily1999]

My kids and my nephews all have *favorites.* My dd prefers the oldest nephew (he is two months older than older ds). Older ds prefers the middle nephew (he's a two years younger). Youngest ds and youngest nephew get along very well. When I was a child I was the only one that one Uncle's children wanted to play with. I was the same age as his oldest (and the youngest in my family). Another Aunt's youngest two children preferred me and her older two preferred my brother (my sister was the odd duck out both times).

 

Now, we weren't allowed (and neither are our children) to exclude anyone to the extent that it sounds like your youngest has been excluded. If I were you, I would tell sister that she needs to even out the visits. I would not say they need to be 50/50 (for every visit of older ds younger gets a visit), but something closer than what they are now. Maybe, for every three visits, both boys should go together once. And hey, hanging out with his auntie is a good thing too. Some alone time for your younger ds aught to (imo) happen for every eight visits or so.

 

None of these are hard and fast rules, but the time needs to be shared. Is your nephew an only child? Your sister may not know the need to balance things between siblings.

[LibraryLover]

Sometimes 3 is a tricky number. Maybe it's not a harmonious trio at her place. Also, some personalities just mesh better, no matter the age.

 

If i were my sister, I would talk to her about it and ask her to be honest about what's happening. My sister and I get along well, so I wouldn't assume anything negative.

Edited November 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Murphy101]

No, it wouldn't bother me.

Just bc they are cousins doesn't mean he has to be friends with your younger son.

They are friendly at family gatherings and that would be enough for me.

It sounds like he has just developed a friendship with your older son.

Do you make your older son share all his friends with his younger brother?

[Unicorn.]

9 yr old boys would much rather play w/ an 11 year old, than a 7 yr old. They look up to older boys, and don't want to be called babies, because they play w/ younger kids. However, since this is a cousin thing, I would speak to sil and let her know it's hurting your little one, and ask if he could sometimes be invited. And then I would explain to your 7 yo, that sometimes, the bigger boys want to play alone.

[Danestress]

When you have a cousin in town like that, they can be both nephew and friend. I don't know what is right and what is wrong in this situation. On one hand, I agree that favoritism is damaging to families. It would bother me for my younger son. Absolutely. If I were the boy's mother, I would encourage him to invite both boys over.

 

On the other hand, I think kids should be free to form friendships with people they feel actual affinity for. If this were just a friend and not a cousin, I would tell you that while it's painful for your younger son, this other boy (friend, not cousin, hypothetically) should be free to like one kid more than another and not have to have a reason or explanation that suits Mama. I am allowed to like some women more than others, why shouldn't he have the same ability? It puts him in a terribly awkward situation to say, "You seem to play nicely with my younger son, so why not invite him?" Arguably it is a testament to his good nature that he DOES play nicely with both boys even though he maybe really prefers one.

 

So I would experience pain over this too, and I don't know what you should do. I can totally see why you are bothered. But I also can understand that maybe he just LIKES your older son more and really enjoys one-on-one time with him at least in some gatherings. To him, it might feel more life friendship and less like, "family obligation." You can say, "No way, it's two or nothing, buddy," but that may impact the ability of your older son and this cousin to really form the close friendship that your nephew perhaps is craving.

 

So I can look at it that way too - that the boys are cousins and also friends, and the heart has reasons that reason knows nothing of.

 

Also, it's possible that your SIL just likes the dynamic better when only your older son is there. There are many reasons why that might be. I have twin boys who have a close boy cousin whom they love. At some stages in their lives, I know my sister has really liked having just one of my boys over, though I have never felt like it was a particular one, so that makes it easier.

[Impish]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissension.

 

I don't see why the cousin can't play with who he wants. I think forcing the younger brother along will only cause him to have more hurt feelings, as kids haven't learned how to be 'party polite' and make conversation with ppl they don't gel with. The younger could very well be resented.

 

If it wasn't family, would you expect the younger to be invited to tag along?

 

Sometimes, family or not, not everyone gets along, and someone prefers someone else's company above others.

 

Talk to your SIL if you feel you need to...but I honestly don't think that forcing the younger boy onto his cousin is going to improve the situation.

 

I'd focus instead on doing fun special stuff when you have him all to yourself.

[Chloe]

Is your nephew an only child? Your sister may not know the need to balance things between siblings.

 

No, he's actually the youngest of five dc (only the oldest is a girl), but they are all widely spaced. He's a typical youngest child, very spoiled. Anything my oldest son has that nephew wants SIL runs out and gets him. That's why I think it may be a jealousy issue.

[OleanderRain]

9 yr old boys would much rather play w/ an 11 year old, than a 7 yr old. They look up to older boys, and don't want to be called babies, because they play w/ younger kids. However, since this is a cousin thing, I would speak to sil and let her know it's hurting your little one, and ask if he could sometimes be invited. And then I would explain to your 7 yo, that sometimes, the bigger boys want to play alone.

 

:iagree:

I would tell your SIL how this is affecting your ds7. Your nephew should also be aware that it hurts his younger cousin's feelings when he gets left out. I would insist that he be invited over to play with the older boys at least half of the time or I wouldn't allow ds9 to go over and play alone anymore.

[gardening momma]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissension.

 

I don't see why the cousin can't play with who he wants. I think forcing the younger brother along will only cause him to have more hurt feelings, as kids haven't learned how to be 'party polite' and make conversation with ppl they don't gel with. The younger could very well be resented.

 

If it wasn't family, would you expect the younger to be invited to tag along?

 

Sometimes, family or not, not everyone gets along, and someone prefers someone else's company above others.

 

Talk to your SIL if you feel you need to...but I honestly don't think that forcing the younger boy onto his cousin is going to improve the situation.

 

I'd focus instead on doing fun special stuff when you have him all to yourself.

 

I agree. Sometimes you just click with someone and not with others. I think what you've been doing is enough--inviting nephew over to play with both boys. I think it's good for the cousins to play together and not be obviously estranged, especially since you live close. But I don't see a reason why he shouldn't be able to invite just the one over, since that's who he obviously clicks with.

[OleanderRain]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissension.

 

I don't see why the cousin can't play with who he wants. I think forcing the younger brother along will only cause him to have more hurt feelings, as kids haven't learned how to be 'party polite' and make conversation with ppl they don't gel with. The younger could very well be resented.

 

If it wasn't family, would you expect the younger to be invited to tag along?

 

Sometimes, family or not, not everyone gets along, and someone prefers someone else's company above others.

 

Talk to your SIL if you feel you need to...but I honestly don't think that forcing the younger boy onto his cousin is going to improve the situation.

 

I'd focus instead on doing fun special stuff when you have him all to yourself.

 

Except, she said that they get along well.

[Chloe]

If i were my sister, I would talk to her about it and ask her to be honest about what's happening. My sister and I get along well, so I wouldn't assume anything negative.

 

Well, it's actually my SIL (dh's sister). I've always gotten along wonderfully with her, but I sometimes wonder how sincere she is. Long story......

[Murphy101]

Except, she said that they get along well.

 

That's really got nothing to do with it though.

 

I get along with lots of people that Im not friends with. So what? Does that obligate me to invite them? Of course not.

 

Getting along has nothing to do with having a genuine friendship.:confused:

[OleanderRain]

No, he's actually the youngest of five dc (only the oldest is a girl), but they are all widely spaced. He's a typical youngest child, very spoiled. Anything my oldest son has that nephew wants SIL runs out and gets him. That's why I think it may be a jealousy issue.

 

So she seems to be very sensitive to her son's feelings of wanting something that someone else has. Hopefully she'll be as understanding about your son's feelings of being left out.

[Chloe]

Do you make your older son share all his friends with his younger brother?

 

Not at all. But this isn't just a friend, it's a family member. I'm glad my older ds and his cousin have such a close relationship. I don't expect them to always include my younger ds. But I would expect younger ds to be included once in a while, especially since they are so close in age and have the same interests. And as far as personality, younger ds and cousin have more similar personality traits than older ds and cousin.

[Chloe]

9 yr old boys would much rather play w/ an 11 year old, than a 7 yr old. They look up to older boys, and don't want to be called babies, because they play w/ younger kids. However, since this is a cousin thing, I would speak to sil and let her know it's hurting your little one, and ask if he could sometimes be invited. And then I would explain to your 7 yo, that sometimes, the bigger boys want to play alone.

 

I've wondered if this is the reason as well, especially since cousin goes to public school. The age thing seems to be a big deal with school kids.

[Crissy]

No. It wouldn't bother me.

 

When my boys were younger and friends came to play, I didn't allow them to exclude anyone.

 

Being invited to someone else's house is a different matter, however. I think it is perfectly natural for kids to prefer certain playmates over others, and I wouldn't try to dictate incoming invitations.

[Mejane]

But this isn't just a friend, it's a family member.

 

Bingo. We make concessions for family, and this boy is old enough to start learning that.

 

If I only spent time with the family members I really like, I'd spend an awful lot of holidays alone. ;)

[OleanderRain]

That's really got nothing to do with it though.

 

I get along with lots of people that Im not friends with. So what? Does that obligate me to invite them? Of course not.

 

Getting along has nothing to do with having a genuine friendship.:confused:

 

The person I quoted assumed that the boys were not getting along well with each other.

[specialmama]

Not at all. But this isn't just a friend, it's a family member. I'm glad my older ds and his cousin have such a close relationship. I don't expect them to always include my younger ds. But I would expect younger ds to be included once in a while, especially since they are so close in age and have the same interests. And as far as personality, younger ds and cousin have more similar personality traits than older ds and cousin.

 

I hear what you're saying, I do. But really, if nephew want to invite so and so to his home as a playdate, that's his choice. It's your choice to accept or not, and it's your choice to invite nephew over so all can play together. I know your heart hurts for your youngest, but I agree with Impish, you can't force them together. It sounds like nephew just prefers your oldest, and I think that's fine. They aren't saying they don't like your youngest, they aren't being mean spirited, but nephew just prefers one over the other. I think this is one of those times that you need to just make the best of it and choose to think positively. Your youngest will feed off of that. Use it as a teaching opportunity: the classroom of life. Sometimes we get handed lemons... let's make some lemonade. :001_smile:

[Laurie4b]

I think it would bother me, though like you, I wouldn't know whether it should bother me. Thoughts:

 

Talk to your sil and ask her to be honest with you about anything that is going on. Tell her how your youngest feels. You might also point out that since they are cousins, the age difference won't matter once they are older, but memories of being excluded will.

 

I would probably occasionally let my older go alone. As much as we hurt for them, it does our kids good to have some hardships in childhood, so I wouldn't totally smooth it over for my younger son, but you don't do that anyway.

 

I would start having other playdates for both your sons on Saturdays sometimes. Sometimes the younger son might then have a playdate and the older be free to play with cousin w/o feelings being hurt. Sometimes older son would have things to do and younger son would be available to play . That breaks the current pattern of this nephew getting what he wants most Saturdays and your younger son getting his feelings hurt most Saturdays.

[OleanderRain]

Not at all. But this isn't just a friend, it's a family member. I'm glad my older ds and his cousin have such a close relationship. I don't expect them to always include my younger ds. But I would expect younger ds to be included once in a while, especially since they are so close in age and have the same interests. And as far as personality, younger ds and cousin have more similar personality traits than older ds and cousin.

 

I'm sure your son probably looks up to his older cousin just like your nephew looks up to your older son. I would try and explain this to the nephew, I'm sure it would hurt his feeling if your ds11 only wanted to invite your nephew's older brother over the house and never invite him.

[Mejane]

I would start having other playdates for both your sons on Saturdays sometimes. Sometimes the younger son might then have a playdate and the older be free to play with cousin w/o feelings being hurt. Sometimes older son would have things to do and younger son would be available to play . That breaks the current pattern of this nephew getting what he wants most Saturdays and your younger son getting his feelings hurt most Saturdays.

 

:iagree:Excellent idea.

[EarleneW]

Honestly- No.

I agree that a 9 year old would reather play with an 11 year old then the 7 year old. My dd who is 10- almost always has friends that are either the same age or older. She is not interested in playing with younger kids.

[Heatherwith4]

It would bother me, whether it actually should or not. My sons are 18 months apart, so I could see this happening with friends in the future.

My younger ds takes it very hard every time ds 5 goes anywhere without him. Sometimes, I let him deal with it on his own. (Disappointment is a part of life.) Other times I make that day special for ds 3.

While I don't think you should try to force your nephew to play with your younger ds, I would occasionally do something special with ds to make his day go better. I also wouldn't send my older ds over there every weekend. JMO :)

[Chloe]

Would your sil be ok with a frank conversation if you solicited her help in dealign with this?

 

Well, I've tried, but she kind of skirts the issue. I think the bottom line is that she's not going to make her ds do anything he doesn't want to do. He's her 5th dc and she's at the point of just letting him do whatever he wants because it's easier. She and her dh are very non-confrontational people. They are the type to just do things for their dc (as far as chores or picking up their things) because it's easier than dealing with disciplining. I'm not trying to be snarky or anything. They are Christians, descent parents and good people, but they would just rather drop an issue or do something themself rather than deal with friction.

 

And just to clarify, I don't think she should make her ds invite my younger ds over all the time. I just know if the situation were reversed, I would encourage my ds to also invite his younger cousin over every now and then. The one time last summer was the ONLY time nephew has invited younger ds over.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Chloe

[silliness7]

Explain to Dear Auntie that her son's actions are hurting her nephew's feelings and see if she can join you in coming up with a solution that would be a win-win-win for everybody.

[Starr]

Why is it that our kids are always the ones that should be able to play with the older kids? Why shouldn't this younger one want to play with his older cousin just like the older cousin wants the older brother? I am very impatient about this sort of thing. They can all have a good time together.

[Chloe]

Why is it that our kids are always the ones that should be able to play with the older kids? Why shouldn't this younger one want to play with his older cousin just like the older cousin wants the older brother? I am very impatient about this sort of thing. They can all have a good time together.

 

I agree. My dc don't discriminate against friends/playmates due to age. But it seems that their friends who are not homeschooled have a big problem playing with someone even a year younger than they are. It's frustrating.

[LND1218]

I think I would be very bugged by the fact that nephew was looking for someone to play with but choose no one over your younger ds.

 

Since your older son couldn't come but your younger could, it really show a disinterest. That would bother me a lot. I would address that with SIL - I would have dh do it.

 

I think I would have him mention that nephew choose neither boy instead of having ds over.

 

Or personally I would have nephew over instead. Family is different than friends - it just is.

 

And I agree with Starr - your ds is being a great cousin playing with his younger cousin. Why can't nephew do the same? I would be annoyed, and I wouldn't allow it.

[Chloe]

I think I would be very bugged by the fact that nephew was looking for someone to play with but choose no one over your younger ds.

 

Since your older son couldn't come but your younger could, it really show a disinterest. That would bother me a lot. I would address that with SIL - I would have dh do it.

 

I think I would have him mention that nephew choose neither boy instead of having ds over.

 

Or personally I would have nephew over instead. Family is different than friends - it just is.

 

And I agree with Starr - your ds is being a great cousin playing with his younger cousin. Why can't nephew do the same? I would be annoyed, and I wouldn't allow it.

 

Yes, dh felt terrible for younger ds after that phone conversation. He's heard me complain about dn never inviting our younger ds but always older ds. He's always brushed it off. After dn turned down playing with younger ds, he got the picture. He took younger ds out for ice cream that day, just because..... It's a shame really because my younger ds is very loving and generous. My older ds tends to be more reserved with his feelings and tends to be a bit selfish.

[Murphy101]

I hear what you're saying, I do. But really, if nephew want to invite so and so to his home as a playdate, that's his choice. It's your choice to accept or not, and it's your choice to invite nephew over so all can play together. I know your heart hurts for your youngest, but I agree with Impish, you can't force them together. It sounds like nephew just prefers your oldest, and I think that's fine. They aren't saying they don't like your youngest, they aren't being mean spirited, but nephew just prefers one over the other. I think this is one of those times that you need to just make the best of it and choose to think positively. Your youngest will feed off of that. Use it as a teaching opportunity: the classroom of life. Sometimes we get handed lemons... let's make some lemonade. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

I'll also note pushing this could backfire to your nephew not wanting to invite your older son or come over much bc he is tired of the constant tag a long requirement.

 

I don't get it. When asked or required, your nephew plays nicely with both, tho most of the time he would obviously prefer to just play with the older son. So what? To me, that's reasonable.

 

Long term, these boys could have a friendship well into their adult years or not. You cannot make that happen, but you sure can ruin it's chances.

[Murphy101]

I think I would be very bugged by the fact that nephew was looking for someone to play with but choose no one over your younger ds.

 

And I agree with Starr - your ds is being a great cousin playing with his younger cousin. Why can't nephew do the same? I would be annoyed, and I wouldn't allow it.

 

Is that what happened? Was he looking for anyone to play with or was he looking to play what appears to be a best buddy?

 

This doesn't seem to be about age. I don't think he is doing some big favor by having a friendship with dn. It seems to be about two boys who happen to be cousins who have struck a friendship.

 

And the similar personalities between younger son and dn is not necessarily a selling point for friendship. Many very good friends have very different personalities.

 

Again, I don't get it.:confused:

[Crissy]

I see the same thing when nephew comes here to play or they are all together for family gatherings. So why do you suppose he never invites my younger son over? I'm baffled and feel terrible for my ds. Last weekend nephew called to invite older ds over, but dh said he couldn't go. He had some school work he had to finish up. Dh mentioned younger ds would love to play though. Nephew's response was....."Maybe another day." It has always been this way and it's really upsetting me. My younger ds is well-aware his cousin never wants to play with him, only his brother. I don't know what to do.

 

Is it possible that you are bothered by this situation considerably more than your son?

[lionfamily1999]

Bingo. We make concessions for family, and this boy is old enough to start learning that.

 

If I only spent time with the family members I really like, I'd spend an awful lot of holidays alone. ;)

That's my thought as well. At least, I think I'm thinking like you are :p

 

If this was the neighbor then I'd not push it, but they're cousins. For me, that's a short step from siblings. Besides, I wouldn't want my son to end up interpreting it as his AUNT not wanting him around.

 

That part bothers me. I would not let my nephews or neice think they were not welcome here. Even though the ages vary, we're family.

[Denisemomof4]

well now that I'm reading the responses I have to completely change what I wrote, not because I was influenced, but because I had mistaken the ages. I thought your oldest ds and cousin were 11 and younger ds was 7. And no, it wouldn't bother me at all if the older two wanted to be together as it's strictly a maturity thing with those ages.

 

Now that I REALIZE the ages of the kids, yes, that WOULD bother me. I know most kids want to play with older kids, but where he's smack dab in the middle of the two, yes , it would bother me. But I don't know if I'd make a big deal out of it. The two boys seem to really mesh well together. I'm sure the cousin LIKES your younger son, but it appears the older two get along much better. I think I'd try to invite cousin over to YOUR house sometimes, and then allow younger ds to have a playdate another time when older ds is with his cousins. I would be careful not to draw too much attention to this, though, because you then would risk making younger ds feel even worse than he already does.

 

With family gatherings, though, I would expect ALL kids to be included.

 

I think it's ok to have favorites. Not everyone is going to mesh well with each person, and that's ok. Some relationships are just so easy and effortless, KWIM?

Edited November 15, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[LostSurprise]

Perhaps its harder for you to see, but often a 9 year old has more in common with an 11 year old then a 7 year old usually (I have 11, 10, 7, and 6 year old boys).

 

My nephew (9) prefers my 11 year old over my 10 year old. They all know it. They're both similar personalities. Personally, it's worked better for us to deal with the 10 year olds feelings (and make sure there are lots of inclusive things on our side) then to try to change my nephew.

 

There are always going to be preferences. We teach our children to respect everyone, but we all have people we 'click' with. That's okay. And it's okay to feel left out. We focus on finding those people for each of our kids. If nephew is not one of them maybe this friend or that cousin *is* the one.

[Denisemomof4]

That's really got nothing to do with it though.

 

I get along with lots of people that Im not friends with. So what? Does that obligate me to invite them? Of course not.

 

Getting along has nothing to do with having a genuine friendship.:confused:

 

:iagree: politely including is one thing, getting along is another. I think it's terrific that your nephew is polite and includes him sometimes. I also understand your your mommy heartache over youngest ds. One thing I've learned is that relationships can't be forced. Of course I'm speaking mostly of friends but even with cousins it's true. My oldest just did NOT get along with his one and only cousin. My son had a hard time respecting him. I understood why but won't get into details.....;)

[secular_mom]

Yes, dh felt terrible for younger ds after that phone conversation. He's heard me complain about dn never inviting our younger ds but always older ds. He's always brushed it off. After dn turned down playing with younger ds, he got the picture. He took younger ds out for ice cream that day, just because..... It's a shame really because my younger ds is very loving and generous. My older ds tends to be more reserved with his feelings and tends to be a bit selfish.

What *I* would do is just put a stop to older son going to nephews house to play. But I'm a meanie. :D I'd come up with something to be 'busy' with at home every Saturday that involves both sons, but I'd say that nephew is welcome to join US.

[Chloe]

Is it possible that you are bothered by this situation considerably more than your son?

 

I don't think so. Ds has asked why he never gets to go to his cousin's house. It's hard to explain to him that he wasn't invited, and that it would be rude to invite himself.

[Murphy101]

I don't think so. Ds has asked why he never gets to go to his cousin's house. It's hard to explain to him that he wasn't invited, and that it would be rude to invite himself.

 

See there, you just did it. Not hard at all. :)

 

He has his friends, younger has his friends, the other siblings have their friends.

 

Sometimes everyone gets together as friendly cousins and sometimes they prefer to get together as just friends.

 

A 9 year old can understand that.

[RanchGirl]

Yes it would bother me. Brothers, especially only 2 years apart, is a very special relationship and even cousins shouldn't come between them or make little brother feel badly on a consistent basis. Since you have tried talking to your SIL, I wouldn't pursue that again as it will not likely be fruitful. My older son would just not be available anymore. Book playdates with your boys' own friends or kids who are willing to play with both of them, or have your dh take them to the batting cages, or just say sorry, not today.

 

If cousin is a spoiled brat right now and unable to see how hurtful this is to your younger ds, then now's not a good time for either brother to have weekly playdates with him. Maybe in a year or two he will change a bit.

 

If SIL eventually asks hey what's up with the lack of availability, you can be honest and say that big brother really enjoys little brother's company and it hurts us when little bro is not invited. Better yet have your dh say it, since it's his sister.

[scrapbabe]

This has happened to my boys before. I either tell the mother that it makes my younger son feel bad, so they are all welcome to play at my house... that way we aren't inviting ourselves over. Or I don't say anything and just ask them if they want to come to our house instead. Sometimes the moms prefer it this anyway, less kids in their house. My boys rarely go to someone else's to play. We always have the playdates at our house so no one is left out.

 

However, there are times when I know my oldest needs time alone with a friend, so I plan something/special for the youngers while the oldest gets his one on one time. Then everyone's happy.

 

On the flip side, I often invite younger kids to my house if we invite an older sibling to play. If they all play nice, then they are all welcome to come.

 

Shalynn:hat:

[Jeanne in MN]

My dd is 2 years older than one cousin and two years younger than another. She will play with the younger cousin sometimes, but is much more drawn to the older cousin-they have more in common.

 

Personally, I'd probably just ask the nephew what's up if it bothers you that much. I would probably ask them to include the younger brother sometimes, but I wouldn't force them to. It's hard for your younger son, though, poor kid.

[eternalknot]

I have three nephews in our local public school; two straddle my 10 year old son, each by ten months (one older, one younger). The third nephew is 13, and doesn't factor in.

 

My son and the two nephews straddling him have always had an odd relationship. They play well all three, but in any given year my son will feel closer to one or the other and that's reflected in who he spends the most time with.

 

I'm okay with this. The older boy and my son have a number of friends in common from shared sports teams. The younger boy and my son have a number of friends in common from shared scout participation. All of the boys are well-acquainted with each others' closer friends. It's not a matter of not liking the other boy "as much" -- it's more about shared interests and level of play, I think. They all love the same things, but play them on different levels - if that makes any sense?

 

 

My SIL makes excuses and claims her ds loves playing with my younger ds also. So why doesn't he ever get invited?!

 

All four boys will play nicely with each other, and even with my five year old daughter. That doesn't mean they always want to, you know? They can, but shouldn't be held to that always. It reminds me of the moms in my homeschool group LOL. I play nicely with all of them, but there are times I prefer some one-on-one with those I enjoy more and/or have more in common with. It's not a dismissal of everyone else so much as it is just wanting to be around the person I want to be around. (Similar feelings came up recently when it was discovered we didn't always do everything as a group. It was never all-but-one, just sometimes side play dates with individual families.)

 

I end up having nephew come here to play with both boys many times so younger ds isn't left out.

 

It sounds like this might be your best solution -- regular or semi-frequent playdates with your nephew at your home so that your younger son feels also included. It doesn't sound like you'd have to force the three to play together, and it might be a nice balance to the one-on-one your older boy gets when he visits your SIL's home.

 

My nephew loves my older son to death, so I'm wondering if it's a jealousy issue. It's almost like nephew doesn't like younger ds because he has his older brother to his self most days. Weird, I guess, but I can't figure out any other reason.

 

Maybe. He could also just like your older son's personality better, you know? My three nephews are incredibly similar in temperment, talent, and interest but they are still three unique people and not just a sibling set. People respond to them each very differently. Heck, so do I LOL. It's not personal, it's just who you click with on that certain level.

 

I love all of my sisters, brothers, and cousins but I definitely have those I gravitate towards more naturally. Who knows why we bond with those we do :) or why we fall in love with those we do. We just do!

 

If this were just a friend I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this is family. They are cousins. I can't understand why my SIL doesn't make nephew invite both boys, at least some of the time. Anything I could or should do?

 

I can understand how frustrating, and maybe hurtful, the family dimension adds to this situation. I think that's something you have to really think about, though: should be held to different standards by virtue of shared DNA. I've had a similar conversation with my own siblings, and it's been thought-provoking (and we all have varying opinions, as will you).

[Mrs Mungo]

I have question. Would you feel differently about this situation if this was a friend instead of a cousin?

 

We have had this situation with friends and I did not really think it was that big of a deal.

[8circles]

What *I* would do is just put a stop to older son going to nephews house to play. But I'm a meanie. :D I'd come up with something to be 'busy' with at home every Saturday that involves both sons, but I'd say that nephew is welcome to join US.

:iagree:

Yes it would bother me. Brothers, especially only 2 years apart, is a very special relationship and even cousins shouldn't come between them or make little brother feel badly on a consistent basis. Since you have tried talking to your SIL, I wouldn't pursue that again as it will not likely be fruitful. My older son would just not be available anymore. Book playdates with your boys' own friends or kids who are willing to play with both of them, or have your dh take them to the batting cages, or just say sorry, not today.

 

If cousin is a spoiled brat right now and unable to see how hurtful this is to your younger ds, then now's not a good time for either brother to have weekly playdates with him. Maybe in a year or two he will change a bit.

 

If SIL eventually asks hey what's up with the lack of availability, you can be honest and say that big brother really enjoys little brother's company and it hurts us when little bro is not invited. Better yet have your dh say it, since it's his sister.

:iagree:

I understand preferring to play with someone older, but someone is always older. Maybe your older DS should start calling DN's older brother to come & play & see how dn feels. Your younger son is the same age as DN, 2 months doesn't make enough difference for that to fly with me.