Did YOUR college dream ever have to disappear?

[brendafromtenn]

Just a little sad here today....

 

O.K. we have been homeschooling now for over 10 years. And most of that time we have been using the WTM approach. And for our 1st ds, I had always envisioned him going to a small Christian private liberal arts college and discussing the great books. That is how he has been trained.

 

Hmmmmm.....

 

Maybe God has something else in mind.

 

My dream....seems to be going out the window.

 

DS has toured lots of colleges and universities in our area. But he didn't like the small Christian private liberal arts colleges.

 

He liked the state school about 1 and 1/2 hours from our home. He felt at home there. There were just normal folks there. This is important to him. Because even though he may have a 31 on the ACT, he is just a normal guy, deep down. He is also an Eagle Scout. Down to earth, kind of guy. Wants to study math and physics, maybe teach. And settle down and raise a family some day. Wants to run for local mayor. Serve in his community.

 

 

So, what do you do when YOUR dream for your child's college goes out the window? Some may be due to finances...Some may be due to not having the right colleges close to your home...or like ours...he just didn't fit into the colleges where I thought he would....

 

 

Or is this just like my husband said...."Well, my dear, this decision, whether you like it or not, is NOT really about you......" OUCH! Guess he is right....:tongue_smilie:

 

Just rambling this morning...Anyone else ever faced this?

 

:001_smile:Brenda

[1bassoon]

Feeling your pain, Brenda.

 

The college I want my dd to go to is 4 hours from home - and is a small, private Christian college. She could major in dance, great environment. . I think she'd really thrive there.

 

The problem?

 

She wants to live at home. And the $$ may not work out.

 

I'm having to remind myself that even though I would have loved the aforementioned school - it's not my education. It's hers, and her life. Right now, I'm having to remind myself over and over again that God has a perfect plan for her life. . . .and it's not necessarily the plan I've got ;)

[creekland]

Just a little sad here today....

 

O.K. we have been homeschooling now for over 10 years. And most of that time we have been using the WTM approach. And for our 1st ds, I had always envisioned him going to a small Christian private liberal arts college and discussing the great books. That is how he has been trained.

 

Hmmmmm.....

 

Maybe God has something else in mind.

 

My dream....seems to be going out the window.

 

DS has toured lots of colleges and universities in our area. But he didn't like the small Christian private liberal arts colleges.

 

He liked the state school about 1 and 1/2 hours from our home. He felt at home there. There were just normal folks there. This is important to him. Because even though he may have a 31 on the ACT, he is just a normal guy, deep down. He is also an Eagle Scout. Down to earth, kind of guy. Wants to study math and physics, maybe teach. And settle down and raise a family some day. Wants to run for local mayor. Serve in his community.

 

 

So, what do you do when YOUR dream for your child's college goes out the window? Some may be due to finances...Some may be due to not having the right colleges close to your home...or like ours...he just didn't fit into the colleges where I thought he would....

 

 

Or is this just like my husband said...."Well, my dear, this decision, whether you like it or not, is NOT really about you......" OUCH! Guess he is right....:tongue_smilie:

 

Just rambling this morning...Anyone else ever faced this?

 

:001_smile:Brenda

 

Yup... both hubby and I planned on all three of ours heading to our Alma mater (Va Tech). Instead, my oldest wanted a small Christian liberal arts school and finally convinced me it was the right choice for him. My middle son is looking at several schools, none of which are VT. My youngest has already told me he wants something similar to my oldest and doesn't like big schools. They love the beauty of VT, but can't imagine themselves being there.

 

I sometimes think of my dream and our plans, but then I remember, I never wanted to go to the school both of my parents went to (SUNY Potsdam), so I'm letting my kids pick their own future just as mine allowed me to do so.

 

Incidentally, VT was my 2nd choice. I loved Duke and was accepted there. However, we couldn't afford Duke. I met hubby at VT and thoroughly enjoyed myself living and studying there - great memories... I'm now glad my first choice didn't work out!

 

I hope my boys each have as enjoyable of a college experience as I did - no matter where they choose.

[FaithManor]

BTDT our dream for dd did not pan out because of money. We just simply could not take a huge second mortgage out for her and then do so again for each of her brothers.

 

It is working out though and a lot better than we imagined it would.

 

Faith

[JennW in SoCal]

You are very fortunate to not have faced this before now. Imagine the moms of special needs kids whose dreams are out the window very early the child's life. Or moms of bright kids with learning disabilities who have to face a daily or weekly reminder of the loss of their dreams while they adjust their schooling ideals to create an education that fits their child.

 

Moms have dreams for their children, we love them so much and are willing to give anything so they have the the best. It is quite natural to feel disappointed when they turn out differently than what we'd hoped for. A bit of private mourning for that lost dream is not unreasonable. But it must be tempered with an effusive, glowing pride at the young person in front of us because it IS about them, not us.

[Nan in Mass]

We were stunned by our older two's choice of college GRIN. And we still have our worries. We can see the appeal, though, and it has its advantages. We may have things that we worry about, but the college has also removed many other worries we might have had. In retrospect, I can see that we ourselves headed them this way without realizing it, or rather, allowed or encouraged them to head themselves this way. I would worry much more if they weren't choosing for themselves, I think. At least this way, the responsibility isn't all mine.

-Nan

[Tullia]

BTDT, and I can say, so far, things are working out just fine. Dh and I made our choices (we made a few mistakes along the way, too), and now it's ds' turn to find his own path. We are trying to step back and restrict ourselves to reminding ds about options and possible ramifications.

 

As to the time spent reading, discussing, and writing about great books in high school--none of it's been wasted. Even though we designed our high school curriculum to take college admission requirements into account, I tried to remember that a classical/neo-classical education is about more than college and career. Not saying those aren't important--just that there's more.

[holdoll]

I am reminded of a verse from Proverbs that says,

 

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

 

Proverbs 22:6

 

I train my children in the way I want them to go, trouble is, that's not always the way G-d wants them to go. :001_huh:

[Nan in Mass]

Considering the direction mine have (or probably will) take, I'm glad we did great books. They wouldn't get much of it otherwise. I debate this constantly with myself: In high school, should one emphasize the things one's child probably isn't going to get in college, or should one go lightly on those things and instead, concentrate on preparing them thoroughily for their probable path. This is related to the spend time making them better at what they are good at or spend time making them barely adequate at the things they are bad at question, if one's child is lopsided.

-Nan

[ks-sunflower]

Although there are always bumps in the road, maybe you will be pleasantly surprised at how well this works out and will share in the joy of seeing your ds grow into a blessed young man!

[LibraryLover]

I don't have any particular college in mind. Goodness of fit is what most matters. My dreams and concerns are more about safety, and the hope they find work that matters to them. I felt pain for my oldest when he was wait -listed at a much-desired school. I think I was more upset than he was. Wait List my *baby*?? How dare you? ;)

[brendafromtenn]

Thank you, Henry.....You put it all in perspective for me this afternoon. Hit the nail on the head.

 

Thank you, to all the ladies who in your own way, have helped me over this little bump today.

 

May God continue to richly bless all of your homeschools!

 

Blessings,

 

Brenda:sad:

(Who is also sobbing at the computer....)

[Luckymama]

Thanks Henry. Beautiful and powerful. And to think this morning I was worried about ds's college choices.

 

Now I have to explain to dd10 why I'm crying.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yes, yes, yes.

 

I wanted my DD to attend Mount Holyoke or Smith. I have been planning on this since her birth. I have envisioned the trip to MA in the fall of her senior year (this year), buying MHC sweatshirts, sipping cocoa in the student union, showing her my old dorm rooms, etc. She is not interested...

 

To be quite honest she is not interested in college at all. We have gone on ONE lone college visit and that was enough for her. I think she would be happy if someone asked to to marry him straight out of high school as long as they moved away from our little town. She doesn't want to stay here and I can't blame her.

 

She is getting her CNA license this year and plans on working in a nursing home. This is a girl who was straight A's (public school) all the way through Freshman year, earned a top academic award from our state, 4H, and FFA and was on the fast track to scholarships and acceptance anywhere she wanted to go. I have spent many nights pondering and praying about the change in her attitude.

 

I am still pryaing it is not too late.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Powerful. So powerful.

:iagree:

[Gwen in VA]

"Then do it. If you can stand there and tell me that's what you most want to do in all the world, then do it. I won't ever mention it again."

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Our job as parents is to equip them and then get out of the way so they can go forth....... Thank you so much for posting your son's story. I sobbed reading it.

 

Ultimately, it's the kid's life, not ours. We do our best, kiss them goodbye, and then wait for the phone call or email or skype. (I'm so thankful we live in a time of instant communication!)

[FloridaLisa]

I loved those pieces when the first time I read them on your blog, MMV. Thanks for reposting. How do you put my insides on paper so well?!

 

Lisa

[brendafromtenn]

I don't think I will look at it the same after all these posts today. I won't look at it as our "one last chance". I will look at it as just another possibility.

 

Our last college to visit will be Ouachita Baptist University on November 12th.

 

Thanks again, for all the sweet, sweet posts today. But think I may have things figured out now.;) Maybe.....(Nothing that a little chocolate won't cure!!! Heehee)

 

Brenda:001_smile:

(who is just north of Memphis, in search of LOTs of chocolate)

[8filltheheart]

Does it happen to be TTU? If so, while an engineering major will not be sitting and discussing the great books, it is more like a small private college than a public university. My ds has thrived there. His classes are small. His professors are his teachers (not TAs). He has been recruited for internships. The co-op companies are fantastic (highly recommend that route.)

 

 

If that is his choice, feel free to PM with any questions. Ds is a senior in chemical engineering there.

[Ravin]

I don't really have any such expectations or hopes for DD. My goal is for her to become a well-adjusted adult with a satisfying career and life path. The exact educational path that gets her there? That'll be up to her. I only hope that when the time comes, she won't have to face setbacks because of our financial position.

[brendafromtenn]

We toured TTU this summer. Tech is a great school! If we were closer, it would be in his top 3.

 

Dr. Bell, who is the president, is a family friend of ours. He took the time to talk with the whole family and even talk with DS about using his scouting while in Cookeville. He said he would put him to work! DS loved meeting him and loved the idea of working with Dr. Bell. But there were other things about the school that just didn't "fit" DS.

 

He did apply and was accepted;however, I don't think he will go there.

 

So, no, this is not the state school I was talking about. But it still remains on this list.

 

(My dad was the pastor of the 1st Methodist church there in Cookeville from '76-80. It was where I grew up. Dr. Bell and his wife, who were young members of the church at the time, had a premature baby while we were there. Dad even beat Dr. Bell to the hospital! He pretended to be a grandparent as both Dr. Bell and my dad had red hair.....They were fast friends from that time on....Dr. Bell attended my dad's funeral two years ago. I will never forget that. He is a WONDERFUL man. )

 

Ahhh....but I have said too much....

 

(One more thing...I used to go the Tech Campus school(elementary) back in the day....I loved Cookeville.)

[Nan in Mass]

My expectations were pretty vague - just college and hopefully a family and hopefully not living too far away and not changing so much that they didn't fit into my extended family comfortably. They still managed to surprise me with the first item on the list. I can't imagine what they will do to the rest of my expectations GRIN. Fortunately, as they get older, you begin to have more confidence in them. Hopefully, anyway.

-Nan

[Niffercoo]

J

 

So, what do you do when YOUR dream for your child's college goes out the window?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, right now, I cry a lot. And revisit every decision I've made in the last 14 years. And beat myself up. LOL Mine is a different situation - coming to terms with the fact that my child is almost certainly not going to college at all. It's a deep sense of failure that I'm battling, while at the same time trying to present a positive outlook to a child who is coming to terms with his own limitations. It really sucks.

[Teachin'Mine]

Powerful. So powerful.

 

Well said.

[Puma Mom]

They love the beauty of VT, but can't imagine themselves being there.

 

Dh and I both went to Va Tech as well. So far, we've successfully brainwashed our dc:D because ds20 is a junior there, ds17 just applied Early Decision for next fall, and dd13 is interested in their Interior Design program.

 

Honestly, we could only see ds20 at VT. He doesn't like the distance from there to home (NJ), but since now we're moving to Blacksburg that won't be an issue!

 

Bottom line is that you want them to be where they feel at home. It's hard when they have different perspectives for themselves that we do for them!

[Nan in Mass]

Hugs, Niffercoo.

[Janice in NJ]

Brenda,

 

Oh Yes!

 

How did I handle this? I hurled my dream! I chucked it hard! :001_smile: JUST to remind myself that this was SO not about me. (Hugs to you! Really! I totally know what you're talking about. :001_smile:)

 

But in the end, it really isn't about me. The sooner I got over that one, the better. AND REALLY! TRULY - it is better. I don't know how I got off in that direction.

 

I did all of this work to give them options. So now I'm psyched that they have options! (It just took me a bit to re-orient myself too.) It's all good!

 

Peace to you and yours,

Janice

 

Enjoy your little people

ENjoy your journey

[Mommyfaithe]

BTDT our dream for dd did not pan out because of money. We just simply could not take a huge second mortgage out for her and then do so again for each of her brothers.

 

It is working out though and a lot better than we imagined it would.

 

Faith

 

Me...I have had Ivy League dream ideas both for myself and my kiddoes. I was even accepted to Columbia University and Brooklyn College on great scholarships...BUT...life happened...and $$ was not there...and we did not have any trust fund etc.

 

My kids also had dreams...their pie in the sky dreams and their realistic dreams. So far the realistic dreams.....getting a degree in a field you love, finding a school willing to shell out money to have you attend (again, no trust fund or $$ for school) and being in a school you like or can deal with until you reach your goal. Unfortunately, my poor kids come from poverty level families on both sides. They are the first full college graduates on either side of the family (plus their cousins.) and they have had to do it all through their own hard work and $$. I am a fantastic cheerleader and I refuse to allow my kids to walk in the poverty that has been handed down to them. My college dreams for them is to see each of my children walk down that aisle and receive their diploma.....and they will break the curse of poverty so it does come down on their children.

 

Faithe

 

So, yes....and no.....

[8filltheheart]

Well, right now, I cry a lot. And revisit every decision I've made in the last 14 years. And beat myself up. LOL Mine is a different situation - coming to terms with the fact that my child is almost certainly not going to college at all. It's a deep sense of failure that I'm battling, while at the same time trying to present a positive outlook to a child who is coming to terms with his own limitations. It really sucks.

 

:grouphug: I'm 4 yrs ahead of you. We have finally come to terms that ds will probably never be independent. He has been going to the local CC this semester, but it is really more "playing" at going to college than with a clear objective.

 

Ds is smart. He learns well. He probably has one of the highest grades in every class he is taking. However, he needs clear direction, cannot see that if a job includes x and y and that z is a logical progression that it should be done. He'll do x and y very well and then stop. It is b/c of these quirks that he will probably never hold anything other than low level jobs b/c seeing the big picture does not exist.

 

Our ds goes through periods of serious depression b/c he is seeing his own limitations and he does not like it one bit.

 

However, we, as parents, have finally reached the point that we understand the "real" reality vs. the one we wanted to pretend could exist. It wasn't an easy journey to this point, but I am a much better parent now that I have gotten here b/c I am finally figuring out how we can support and encourage him in ways we didn't understand before.

[Niffercoo]

:grouphug: I'm 4 yrs ahead of you. We have finally come to terms that ds will probably never be independent. He has been going to the local CC this semester, but it is really more "playing" at going to college than with a clear objective.

 

Ds is smart. He learns well. He probably has one of the highest grades in every class he is taking. However, he needs clear direction, cannot see that if a job includes x and y and that z is a logical progression that it should be done. He'll do x and y very well and then stop. It is b/c of these quirks that he will probably never hold anything other than low level jobs b/c seeing the big picture does not exist.

 

Our ds goes through periods of serious depression b/c he is seeing his own limitations and he does not like it one bit.

 

However, we, as parents, have finally reached the point that we understand the "real" reality vs. the one we wanted to pretend could exist. It wasn't an easy journey to this point, but I am a much better parent now that I have gotten here b/c I am finally figuring out how we can support and encourage him in ways we didn't understand before.

 

Any helpful hints on how to get there as parents? ;) Preferably with as little trauma as possible?

 

I do understand the depression thing... Austin has been battling that this fall. He broke his ankle stealing 3rd base and had surgery on the same day he came off his seizure meds - which just so happen to also be used to treat bipolar disorder. So we had surgery, the end of his baseball season (the ball field is where he truly feels "normal"), and the withdrawl of meds. And lots and lots of down time to process/dwell on everything.

 

We're trying our best to help him through it, on top of the whole "14 year old boy" stuff. It's FUN! ;)

[TravelingChris]

With my oldest, it isn't the college dream that is gone, but for the last few years, any hope of a normal life for him. He used to be a very ambitious student and much more responsible. He suffers from major depression and refuses to treat his ADHD and it isn't a good combo. We are probably moving away from him this summer and now it is just how to transition him into independent living. I just keep on praying and hope it turns around some time. He does seem more calm and I hope he will finish college next year.