s/o: do parents need to give their all to their dc's education?

[cathmom]

This was a comment by several people in the "brother's opinion of being homeschooled" thread.

 

It bothers me for some reason - likely because I am completely exhausted and stretched beyond capacity and have 6 dc at home that I am trying to home educate, and they all have issues of some sort (speech problems, dyslexia, possible dyscalculia, OT).

 

I guess I feel like I *am* giving my all and it's not enough and it doesn't feel healthy to me.

 

What do you all think?

[G5052]

I've been around long enough that I've seen some homeschooling parents for whom homeschooling was most of their focus and identity to the exclusion of other relationships and interests.

 

Some years ago we left a homeschool support group for doctrinal issues, and it was actually a relief to me in many ways. I enjoy homeschooling, but there were some there who set the tone that you had to have the perfect curriculum or your kids would go down the hole into failure and that mom-planned was far superior to anything purchased. Some also set up a "we versus them" attitude that homeschoolers were always the superior ones. There has to be a balance there. I have friends who aren't homeschooling their children, friends who never had children, friends whose kids are grown. I enjoy talking with homeschoolers but my life is more than that.

 

My kids have been a dream to homeschool, but I'm increasingly delegating to paid classes because it is best for them as they become teens that like/need the discussion, labs, and outside motivation and as I've needed to focus on other family issues outside of homeschooling. So some would say that I'm not "giving my all," but I would argue that I am still very much in charge of their education but am choosing the best way for them to go both for them and for me.

Edited October 23, 2010 by GVA

[SailorMom]

I've been around long enough that I've seen some homeschooling parents for whom homeschooling was most of their focus and identity to the exclusion of other relationships and interests.

 

Some years ago we left a homeschool support group for doctrinal issues, and it was actually a relief to me in many ways. I enjoy homeschooling, but there were some there who set the tone that you had to have the perfect curriculum or your kids would go down the hole into failure and that mom-planned was far superior to anything purchased. Some also set up a "we versus them" attitude that homeschoolers were always the superior ones. There has to be a balance there. I have friends who aren't homeschooling their children, friends who never had children, friends whose kids are grown. I enjoy talking with homeschoolers but my life is more than that.

 

My kids have been a dream to homeschool, but I'm increasingly delegating to paid classes because it is best for them as they become teens that like/need the discussion, labs, and outside motivation and as I've needed to focus on other family issues outside of homeschooling. So some would say that I'm not "giving my all," but I would argue that I am still very much in charge of their education but am choosing the best way for them to go both for them and for me.

 

 

:iagree:

[MaMa2005]

I've been around long enough that I've seen some homeschooling parents for whom homeschooling was most of their focus and identity to the exclusion of other relationships and interests.

 

Some years ago we left a homeschool support group for doctrinal issues, and it was actually a relief to me in many ways. I enjoy homeschooling, but there were some there who set the tone that you had to have the perfect curriculum or your kids would go down the hole into failure and that mom-planned was far superior to anything purchased. Some also set up a "we versus them" attitude that homeschoolers were always the superior ones. There has to be a balance there. I have friends who aren't homeschooling their children, friends who never had children, friends whose kids are grown. I enjoy talking with homeschoolers but my life is more than that.

 

My kids have been a dream to homeschool, but I'm increasingly delegating to paid classes because it is best for them as they become teens that like/need the discussion, labs, and outside motivation and as I've needed to focus on other family issues outside of homeschooling. So some would say that I'm not "giving my all," but I would argue that I am still very much in charge of their education but am choosing the best way for them to go both for them and for me.

 

Well said :thumbup1:

[elegantlion]

Homeschooling is my priority, not the only thing on my plate. I guess that's why I do see it as a job, it fits well into my mind that way. I worked until ds was born, I know how to approach it from a job mentality. I give it my best from start to finish each day, after that schooling is done. When it's over I chill and try to change gears to mom/wife mode.

 

We try to practice clean habits so we don't have to do massive cleanup at the end of the day. It's not working so well this week, dh is out of town. I'll admit he's neater than me. When he's not here I tend to be slack.

 

We're in our 7th year of homeschooling and this is the first year the academics are taking longer. We started five weeks ago and we're just now getting the stamina to do a full schedule without the whining and crying on both of our parts.

 

I'm a big believer in quiet time after school. Ds is probably tired of being around me and I need some time to myself. Honestly, I admire many of you women with larger families, I think you're all awesome.

 

Giving your all in homeschooling, doesn't mean you give all of yourself. :grouphug: You need time to recharge yourself. Remember the wisdom of airlines, put your own oxygen mask on first. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Due to birth defects, dyselxia, and personality issues ;), I've always been open to outside help. I can't 'fix' a physical birth defect, kwim? There are people 'out there' who have been a blessing to my family. Sometimes they have been doctors, sometimes they have been tutors , and more.

 

I am not going to make myself responsible for everything. It wouldn't be healthy for me, nor fair to my children.

[Sophia]

My kids have been a dream to homeschool, but I'm increasingly delegating to paid classes because it is best for them as they become teens that like/need the discussion, labs, and outside motivation and as I've needed to focus on other family issues outside of homeschooling. So some would say that I'm not "giving my all," but I would argue that I am still very much in charge of their education but am choosing the best way for them to go both for them and for me.

 

:iagree:

I would add that by knowing when to outsource, I am giving my all because those classes aren't cheap! But I am committed to providing my dc with a good education whether I teach the material or someone else I've chosen.

[jld]

Hey, I just posted about something similar over on the hs board, lol!

 

I don't think so. I'm not even sure it's helpful to the formation of the dc's characters. Certainly we can be helpful, but their lives are their own, kwim? The earlier kids can reasonably take responsibility for themselves, the better. But the parents have to be willing to let go and share the power with the kids, and accept that the kids may not do things the way they want them done, up to and including getting into a top school. A lot of parents just don't want to risk that. (Shoot, I don't know if I want to risk that. It's easy to say just let go, when I only have one teen girl who is super responsible. I don't know what I'm going to be thinking when I have 4 teenaged boys/young adult men.)

 

I think a lot of my view on this comes from growing up in a lower middle class family, and I probably will never shed that formation. My parents just didn't help, and so I had to take a hold of my life, or I would have ended up in a bad place somewhere. They certainly weren't going to rescue me. While I don't want that for my kids, I'm not sure they'll ever feel the weight of total responsibility on their shoulders that I felt at their ages, the weight that forced me to take my life into my own hands, to really consider the consequences of various actions, and make choices about what I wanted to accept.

 

I read once, back in the 90s, that many big families that produced homeschool curricula actually unschooled their kids. I don't have any references for this, and so can't provide any proof, but it does sound like a survival technique. Do you remember how Mary White, mother and 11 and primary founder of the LLL, said that she raised her children with "good, wholesome neglect"? Well, in a homeschooling family that might look like unschooling, imo.

 

And please, don't feel guilty. I can't imagine any mother on these boards needing to feel guilty about neglecting her children. The moms here are devoted to their kids.

[chiguirre]

I guess I feel like I *am* giving my all and it's not enough and it doesn't feel healthy to me.

 

What do you all think?

 

If it's really too much for a human being to do in a day, it's time to outsource. I couldn't even attempt to hs my oldest. We're all much better off having him in school. He gets the 1 on 1 attention he needs to learn and develop better coping skills and the other 2 kids and I can go to museums, classes and shows that we couldn't attend with ds1 due to his behavioral challenges.

 

Probably none of your kids is as severely disabled as my oldest, so it's not as easy for you to see what's possible and what's not and your decisions will be harder. I would do an inventory of each kids' needs. Then I'd see what opportunities are available that are both physically close enough and affordable that could help meet those needs. This depends on what your insurance will cover, if any of your kids are eligible for supplemental medicaid, what the school district or state programs offer for their specific disabilities, what private schools or therapies are available and if there is financial aid available to treat your kids' needs. You've probably already done this, but if it's been a couple of years, there might be something new available.

 

If any of your kids is taking a disproportionate amount of time to teach, I'd consider sending them out to school, even if the school isn't ideal. You need to do your best for the group, even if that doesn't mean the best for each individual. I'd especially consider this for any child who will not be able to live independently as an adult because having a long paper trail will make accessing services much easier when they turn 18.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosy]

I didn't see the other thread. I wonder what is meant by "giving your all" to homeschooling. It's one of those catchphrases that sounds noble until it's examined. If it means "putting your full energy into whatever you're doing at the moment" or "giving it the time and effort it deserves", then sure, I'm all for that. If it means "sacrificing your personal life and your own wants and desires" or "putting homeschooling before everything else, including friends, home, husband and even relationships with kids", then obviously no.

 

I think a healthy approach to homeschooling is to set goals (general or specific), choose curricula that will allow you/the kids to meet those goals (this includes core subjects and extracurriculars) without neglecting other needs, and then see that the work is done to the best of everyone's ability. For me, this means we're "doing school" from about 9-9:30 until around 12-1, depending on the day, and then we spend most afternoons doing extracurriculars. It also means teaching classes and planning field trips for our co-op so my kids can have that experience. Besides that, we keep up on housework, are involved at church, and try to have people over socially and for ministry purposes.

 

So I guess I feel like I'm "giving my all" to my life, and raising my kids is a huge part of that, but I don't "give my all" to sitting down with the books and reviewing finished work. That is only part of raising kids.

[pdalley]

This was a comment by several people in the "brother's opinion of being homeschooled" thread.

 

It bothers me for some reason - likely because I am completely exhausted and stretched beyond capacity and have 6 dc at home that I am trying to home educate, and they all have issues of some sort (speech problems, dyslexia, possible dyscalculia, OT).

 

I guess I feel like I *am* giving my all and it's not enough and it doesn't feel healthy to me.

 

What do you all think?

 

 

I have three Aspies, all with co-morbid conditions - CAPD, ADHHHHHD, one with dyslexia. All with language problems.

 

When I say I give my 'all' I mean I do the best I can. I finally broke down and found a tutor for my dyslexic son. All three work with an autism specialist weekly to work on other skills. I fought like a wildcat for years for them to get community support workers.

 

I still need recharge time. I still have my own interests. However I will do whatever I can to make sure they get as good an education as our means and our abilities provide. That's what I mean when I say my all.

 

I know parents -IRL - who either put their kids in public or private school and let them sink or swim. I think parents have an obligation to go beyond that. I think they need to make sure work gets done. I think they need to make sure their child gets help if they need it.

 

I'm not sure of the definition of 'healthy'. I probably never have met the term and probably never will. It's like 'normal'. We don't do that here either.:001_smile:

[Rosy]

:iagree: I don't know why "giving your all" and getting help for kids who need it would be at odds. :confused:

[Murphy101]

:iagree: I don't know why "giving your all" and getting help for kids who need it would be at odds. :confused:

 

It's not.

 

I view this as my job. And my children are my investments. I do put my all into homeschooling, same as I put my all into my marriage. Purposely half-a$$ing some of the most important parts of my life, just never occurred to me. I'm not saying anyone said to do that, but it's kind of the implication or vibe. I mean if you aren't giving your all - what are you giving, kwim?

 

Now, what MY all and some other woman's all looks like might be drastically different if for no other reason than her kids may need very different things from her than mine do. Maybe her finances permit more choices. Maybe her abilities are different than mine. There's also an ebb and flow. Some years the all that I can give varies either in amount or in method.

[Night Elf]

I'm not sure how to define "all", but I feel I do my best for my children without being totally obsessed about every little detail. I gave up on that long ago. I will argue with anyone that they believe they can provide every single thing a person needs to know by the time they graduate high school. In the end, we all have the things we feel are important and we find ways to progress in those areas. We may plan something from scratch, use programs, or outsource. What is right for my son isn't right for my daughter and therefore I absolutely hate when someone else decides that what their children are doing is best for all children. Good grief! It becomes a competition like many things in life. Some people simply must be on that top rung of the ladder to feel good about themselves. And even if we do everything that person says, they will still not be satisfied. There's also the inevitability someone else will then start harassing you because you aren't doing what THEY think is important.

 

I used to be very obsessed with my children's education. It wasn't healthy for me as a person, a mother, or a wife. I had to find more balance. I wouldn't go back to those days for any amount of money.

[mcconnellboys]

I think giving one's all regarding our childlren's education means doing all one can to facilitate the best learning experience possible for each individual child.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean doing it ourself; it doesn't necessarily mean that every child is on a college bound track; it doesn't necessarily mean that every child is being classically educated with a rigorous curriculum of some sort.

 

I think it means giving it our best shot at providing each child with the tools he or she will need to be successful in life and to be able to choose a path in life for themselves with which they will feel happy and comfortable.

[Renee in NC]

:grouphug:Most of these responses seem to indicate that outside help is the way to go. How do you pay for it and how do you fit it in (with all the driving?) Tutors charge quite a bit and often require that you drive to meet them somewhere. Therapies are often the same way, or you have to be at home to receive therapy there which means you can't go elsewhere. I burned myself out (and almost had a mental breakdown) under the stress of trying to give them even the basics of what they needed (due to multiple dc with LDs and other issues.)

 

:grouphug:

[Night Elf]

:grouphug:Most of these responses seem to indicate that outside help is the way to go. How do you pay for it and how do you fit it in (with all the driving?)

 

Different families have different financial plans. We make different salaries and make different financial choices. I wish I had some secret trick to affording things but the truth is that I either have the money to do something or I don't. And on some occasions, we go way beyond the budget when we feel something is truly worth the decision.

[Alphabetika]

[

My kids have been a dream to homeschool, but I'm increasingly delegating to paid classes because it is best for them as they become teens that like/need the discussion, labs, and outside motivation and as I've needed to focus on other family issues outside of homeschooling. So some would say that I'm not "giving my all," but I would argue that I am still very much in charge of their education but am choosing the best way for them to go both for them and for me.

 

:iagree:I am bothered when homeschoolers imply that those of us who use some outside resources like this are not truly homeschooling. I have found it very healthy and motivating for my oldest dd to have some outside and online classes, for reasons stated above. I also feel that I'm more honest to admit that I can't handle certain subjects and allow her the benefits of experts than it is for me to try to muddle through and sentence her to an inferior education in those topics. Yes, it takes less effort to find these resources than it would for me to try to teach the subjects myself, but there is still a significant amount of effort involved in the research and oversight.

 

OTOH, I am thrilled when families are able to do all of the subjects at home and their families benefit from that. I've seen both strategies be successful. It's a matter of being wise and sensitive to your family's and kids' needs.

[KidsHappen]

I haven't even read the rest of the replies but I am going to tell you that no, I don't give it my all. I give it good enough. I try to give my children the tools they need to learn independantly because once they can do that, no one can take it away from them. They own their own education and they know they are responsible for what they have learned and what they are capable of learning. Of course, I am always here to help them if they need it and to be a shoulder to learn on when they need it but I feel it is my job to teach them to stand on their own two feet and conquer the world on their own terms. I could not possibly do that if I put everything into educating them. Unfortunately, it takes quite a bit of my energy just to make it through the day. If my kids realied on mom's abilities, they would defintely be held back.

[G5052]

I only have two who go the same two locations for the majority of their classes, and I'm able to make decent $ working part-time without being gone much at all. We rarely vacation (maybe one overnight in 2010 for a distant field trip), DH and I only go out for anniversaries, and we have few outside activities.

 

I can't imagine running more kids around to more things. I'd be way broke and utterly crazy;).

[catz]

I think everyone has to find their own balance and comfort level. My child went to 2 years of public school. It was fine and even great for many of the kids there. It is a highly ranked school with a wonderful, hands on family community built up. It didn't work at all for my quirky, active, talkative gifted kid. I have a neighbor who is a wonderful advocate for her children at PS. It is working well for them. Their kids play here all the time - they're great kids and some of my son's best friends.

 

If a parent is just going to feel stressed and overwhelmed by homeschooling, it likely isn't for them.

 

I find the argument that you aren't really homeschooling if you use outside classes/resources ridiculous. It's much more fun to discuss a book in a book club. Spanish from a native speaker is much better than from a computer or a book. Biology at a zoo where you can examine and compare animals beats doing it at home. I really only choose outside classes when the result would be superior to anything I could do. And in many cases the cost justifies itself once I start looking at curriculum or science supplies. And sometimes it's just nice to kick back and have a break for an hour or 2 with a coffee. :001_smile:

 

Everyone is different. There's no one size fits all solution to educating your children or having a healthy, happy family.

[Farrar]

There's a Laurie Berkner song (she's a children's musician) called I'm Not Perfect that contains the line, "I do my very best each day!" One day years ago, dh and I were listening to this song on the TV with the kids and he suddenly said, "Well, that's absurd. If I did my best every day all the time, I would die of exhaustion. Kids, it's okay to slack off sometimes." And that's pretty much how I feel about that.

[cathmom]

There's a Laurie Berkner song (she's a children's musician) called I'm Not Perfect that contains the line, "I do my very best each day!" One day years ago, dh and I were listening to this song on the TV with the kids and he suddenly said, "Well, that's absurd. If I did my best every day all the time, I would die of exhaustion. Kids, it's okay to slack off sometimes." And that's pretty much how I feel about that.

 

I love that!

 

I did not mean this thread to be a suggestion for me thread or a sympathy thread. I wanted to discuss the idea of "giving your all" to the education of your dc. And if I remember correctly, the posters who said that meant it in every academic arena - public school, private school, or homeschooling. It just seems to me that if the parents are giving their all to the children's education, that doesn't leave energy for a career to make money to live on LOL.

[Renee in NC]

I love that!

 

I did not mean this thread to be a suggestion for me thread or a sympathy thread. I wanted to discuss the idea of "giving your all" to the education of your dc. And if I remember correctly, the posters who said that meant it in every academic arena - public school, private school, or homeschooling. It just seems to me that if the parents are giving their all to the children's education, that doesn't leave energy for a career to make money to live on LOL.

 

I don't think it is healthy to give your all to any one thing. I don't think that a child's formal education should necessarily get their "all" either. Balance is good - if you can focus some on other things at times, you may be more refreshed and more efficient/effective when you *are* focused on their education.

[jenL]

Everyone is different. There's no one size fits all solution to educating your children or having a healthy, happy family.

 

:iagree: One family's "all" should look different than another family's "all" by virtue of the fact that each child is different and each family has a different dynamic.

 

I give it my all when I am schooling, but homeschooling does not run my life. I am also a mom, wife, friend, child, and church volunteer (a few of my "titles"), and I try hard to give my all to each of these when I am in the specific roles. Do I sometimes slack? Of course! Imho, it's all about balance. I also believe finding balance takes some time to find, especially if you are new to homeschooling. Each year, the child's needs, available resources, and family dynamic should be evaluated to make sure the "all" is being covered in a healthy way for all parties in the family.

[Farrar]

I love that!

 

I did not mean this thread to be a suggestion for me thread or a sympathy thread. I wanted to discuss the idea of "giving your all" to the education of your dc. And if I remember correctly, the posters who said that meant it in every academic arena - public school, private school, or homeschooling. It just seems to me that if the parents are giving their all to the children's education, that doesn't leave energy for a career to make money to live on LOL.

 

Oh, I think I get it. :D

 

I just meant that phrases like "give it your all!" and "do your best!" seem really innocuous and positive, but the reality is that no one can be 100% 100% of the time. Trying to is probably detrimental to yourself and sometimes even to your kids. So I guess I'm saying that, NO, homeschooling gets a lot of my attention, but it does not get my very best absolutely every day.

[Alyce]

Mine are now in college but I feel like I gave it my all. Did I school classical like many on this board? No but my kids are no worse off, IMHO, then theirs. I gave my kids the skills I thought they would need in their future. I didn't push schooling down their throats and wasn't concerned that they knew how to diagram a sentence or know how to do thousands of proofs but they did learn grammar and math and they are very good at both even without all that. I did sit with them and actually "teach" them when they were young, as they got into High School they did almost everything "independently" and both of them say that was the best thing I ever did for them. I treated them like adults and made them be responsible for themselves. Did I do less than my "all". No I was there for them when they needed me and I did supervise but I didn't have to do all the teaching. The one thing I will say is that it does bother me that some people look down on those of us who don't outsource. They say how can you possibly teach that. Well I might need DVD's and I may not completely understand what I'm doing but my kids and I got through things and learned together. No I don't think you "have" to outsource. You can find ways to do it yourself. I guess my problem is that I see so much outsourcing going on that I really think we've moved from the true definition of homeschooling. When homeschooling was young outsourcing was not available everywhere, in fact wasn't even heard of when I started homeschooling but I still managed to homeschool my kids all the way through. When I think of the reason homeschooling was founded and how some people talk of not wanting their children to be influenced by other people, I have to wonder why they are doing co-ops. How is that different from sending them to school. You have someone else teaching your children, they are exposed to the behavior of other kids and I have frequently heard homeschoolers complain about co-ops. That may not necessarily make them wrong but I do strongly believe that if that trend continues to climb someones going to step in and ask why is a co-op different from a school. There is a very fine line to walk on that issue. It doesn't fit the conventional definition of homeschooling and will draw the attention of those that make our legislations. Does it make you bad if you use a co-op. No, that's your choice. That is your way of giving it your all. There are many very good on-line sites etc to use if you do out-source but that doesn't make any of us better than the other however I am

on the other pole. I don't think out-sourcing is necessary. Does that mean I'm not giving it my all or I'm short changing my children. No. Does that make you bad because you out-source. No. That is the way you think is best for your family to go. We all, give it our all. Our methods just happen to be different from each other and there is no one set way to do it. You may sit next to your child and discuss everything with them, dissect everything with them even in high school. You've given it your all. I chose to let my children to do it on their own but I was there when they needed me and I did keep an eye on what they were doing. I still knew when they were failing and when they were excelling, I just chose not to sit right on top of them. Was I giving it my all. Yes. Your way is not wrong nor is my way but we've both given it our all. Did I short change my children because I didn't push them. No I don't think so. They are both in college and doing well. I gave homeschooling my all. Do I look back on things and wonder if I could have done it better. Yes but at the time I was giving it my all. Even though I could have picked better curriculum and wished I had used something sooner or taught it a different way. I still, at that time and place, was giving it my all. In the end everyone of us, will ask ourselves that question. It is natural. We constantly hear how homeschoolers can't be taught as well as public schoolers can. We can talk back and say statistics say that's not true but when we really face ourselves, we all have that little voice in the back of our head that says "Did I do it right, Did I do it as well as they would have done it at public school. Did I make a mistake?" Those are normal questions. I'll always ask myself those questions, because I care about my children, and because I'm their mom. I'll always have those questions in my mind until I die. I can look at my children now and say yes I did a good job. I gave it my all. I did the best I could. I don't know what's going to happen in my children's lives as they grow older. Something I didn't do right may pop up and there goes those questions but at the time, Yes I gave it my all. That's what's important. Did I do what I thought was right at the time, did I give enough of myself to them when they need it. When I answer yes, I know I gave it my all

[pdalley]

I think giving one's all regarding our childlren's education means doing all one can to facilitate the best learning experience possible for each individual child.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean doing it ourself; it doesn't necessarily mean that every child is on a college bound track; it doesn't necessarily mean that every child is being classically educated with a rigorous curriculum of some sort.

 

I think it means giving it our best shot at providing each child with the tools he or she will need to be successful in life and to be able to choose a path in life for themselves with which they will feel happy and comfortable.

 

I agree. And that is exactly what I - the person who said this meant.

 

I love that!

 

I did not mean this thread to be a suggestion for me thread or a sympathy thread. I wanted to discuss the idea of "giving your all" to the education of your dc. And if I remember correctly, the posters who said that meant it in every academic arena - public school, private school, or homeschooling. It just seems to me that if the parents are giving their all to the children's education, that doesn't leave energy for a career to make money to live on LOL.

 

 

I made the original comment and I did not mean it the way you took it. I'm sorry I mad you feel less than. That was not my intention.

Edited October 24, 2010 by pdalley

[cathmom]

I agree. And that is exactly what I - the person who said this meant.

 

 

 

 

I made the original comment and I did not mean it the way you took it. I'm sorry I mad you feel less than. That was not my intention.

 

You did not make me feel less than! Don't worry! I just wanted to discuss the concept, as I wasn't sure I agreed with it.