How many of you have mil living w/you?

[newbie]

How do you keep you bite your tongue? It has been 3 wks and I am ready to quit.

 

Plus unfair advantage , she can speak my language, but I cant speak hers, literally, so if she is talking about me, I would not now, I know its petty. But, I am getting unnerved, on top of that dh leaves us alone for days.

 

How do I make this work???

[Julie in CA]

Wow, I'm sorry! :grouphug: That's got to be miserable...

What is your dh's advice about this (just curious, 'cause that would color how I'd deal with it.).

[newbie]

Well, apparently he is hiding, b/c he leaves and comes back and is hammered by two women.

 

The other day we had an incident, there was an explicit rule put on the table, and they discussed(fought) about it, she won, and broke the rule.

 

Basically, marking her territory. I confronted him and he said well, nothing you can do about it now. I was ticked and said, one more time, she is out.

 

Sorry, to whine, but the reason for move was to get away from family, although help sometimes is nice. I am so between a rock and a hard place.:glare:

[RoughCollie]

Whatever is bothering you, I would come right out and say it to her, directly but politely and lovingly, so you two can discuss it. I would include my feelings about her speaking a foreign language in the discussion, just to get it out there and acknowledged. Perhaps you can work it out so that you two work together for the common good of the family.

 

Now, if she has a personality disorder, you can disregard the above, because it will not work. She has to be able to and willing to meet you halfway.

 

Does she have anywhere else to live, or will you be kicking her out onto the street?

Edited October 11, 2010 by RoughCollie

[newbie]

I love your last part. Nope, cant blame her actions on that.

 

I would like to discuss, but we are not close.

[RoughCollie]

I would like to discuss, but we are not close.

 

Closeness doesn't matter. You are going to go insane (not literally) if you don't talk to her. Be vulnerable, take the chance. The reward, if you are sure she doesn't have a personality disorder, can be great. Be prepared to give and take -- some hills aren't worth dying on (how towels are folded) and some are (interference with your personal business -- including how clean your house is, how you spend your time, how you be a wife and mother, criticism of your children, and how you handle your finances, for example).

 

If you have to, especially if your MIL is heedless of what you have to say, draw a line in the sand. Talk to your husband about this first. My line in the sand came with a consequence that I was fully prepared to discharge. Well, I did discharge it, actually. My husband was fully on board and he knew from the beginning that I absolutely would discharge the consequence because as long as he's known me, I always do when I draw that line and the person oversteps it. I don't draw those lines often -- they are reserved for extremely important situations, which includes my refusal to be wholeheartedly abused (verbally, in my case) or to allow anyone to hurt my children.

 

"Discharge" sounds like firing a gun, doesn't it? Well, that's how I meant it, figuratively speaking. For some reason, I can't think of a more appropriate, kinder word to use in its place. Also, no one got thrown out on the street as a result, or suffered any harm except for being forced to relinquish contact with me and my children forevermore.

Edited October 11, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Guest ME-Mommy]

My MIL lived with us for 14 months -- it was THE longest 14 months of my life.

 

I agree with telling her "straight-out" -- give specific examples of what is frustrating you.

 

If your MIL is determined to break your rules and come between you and your husband, there's not much you can do -- other than make other living arrangements for her. ;)

[newbie]

Thanks for the support. I am going to get out my stick and draw lines, hopefully they will be straight.

[sassyscrapperinid]

Alls I can say is good luck with that. You are really going to want to make sure she doesnt have some kind of personality disorder. I knew what kind of a woman my MIL was when we first met but I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt for my husbands sake. She has never lived with us- thank God! However, she has stayed with us for extended periods of time. The longest being 3 months. She has tried very seriously over the years to cause trouble for us and our family. Even after we adopted one of her daughters 5 children, she continually did things we told her not to do. Finally, 15 years later, even my DH doesnt speak to her anymore. Its very sad. So, definitely make sure you are dealing with someone who is willing to work with you. Good luck! I hope it works out.

 

~Stella

[GWOB]

One time, my MIL visited us for 6 days straight. The Wine industry experienced increased sales during that time.

 

I love my mil, but there would have to be some EXTREMELY serious circumstances for her to ever live with us. There just isn't enough wine in the world.

 

We have had issues with mil trying to "mark her territory." I had to put my foot down. Dh just deals with her. He tries not to rock her boat because he knows how she is. That just doesn't fly with me. Dh, with my prodding, has had to lay down the law on more than one occasion. Things have been better because of it. However, I know we will have to continue laying down the law with her as she is the certifiable Queen of Passive-Aggressive Land.

 

So, you have two options"

 

1) Tell your dh to put on his big boy underoos and stand up for you. YOU are #1 in his life. Moms are important, but wives trump moms in a dh's life.

 

2)YOU have to put on YOUR big girl panties and tell her (respectfully) how things are run in YOUR house.

 

:grouphug: Mils can be a lot of work.

[kalanamak]

Well, apparently he is hiding, b/c he leaves and comes back and is hammered by two women.

 

 

My ex did that, even though he understood my plight, he was more interested in saving his own hide. I learned to know when she was talking about me, because the word "White" would come into play....as in "the white wh*re", which was a common name for me. I also knew he was getting it when she called him "the burnt one" (the devil). But, man, could she cook.

[Veritaserum]

MIL and FIL moved in 2.5 years ago. It works as well as it does because we built them a self-contained apartment. We have our space. They have theirs (kitchen, bath, living, bedroom, and laundry).

 

Whenever any issues come up, we talk about it ASAP and come to a solution. It helps that they want to avoid conflict as much as we do. I'm sorry that your MIL may not be willing to keep an open channel of communication. :(

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do not live with my ILs but I have figured out enough Tagalog to know when I'm being talked about. And I can figure out if it is favorable or not.

[m0mmaBuck]

My inlaws lived with us for 8 mos. They moved in a month after DD was born, at the same time that DSS came to live with us full time. Yup... Those were the days... and I'm glad they are long gone!

 

Anyway, I agree that you need to tell her straight out what is bothering you. You can't bite your tongue. It's your home. Your family. Your life. You will literally go insane, and possibly take everyone else with you, if you don't.

[m0mmaBuck]

My ex did that, even though he understood my plight, he was more interested in saving his own hide. I learned to know when she was talking about me, because the word "White" would come into play....as in "the white wh*re", which was a common name for me. I also knew he was getting it when she called him "the burnt one" (the devil). But, man, could she cook.

 

Oh my! At least my IL's like me.... I think...

[Zann]

That is a difficult situation but not a hopeless one.

My inlaws are from India and in there culture school is of extreme importance. So you can imagine the flack that I have endured becuase of "homeschooling". Becuase of the language and cultural barriers its been difficult to get them to understand that grammar school in America is crap compared to the grammar school in India. (which uses the Trivium method)

 

If your stuck together then your going to have to have a heart to heart and find some common ground. For the sake of the flow and happiness of the family.

 

Oh and if your a Christian you might want leave the scripture open about this is why a man leaves his mother and takes a wife ... a son owes respect to his mother for birth but his place is by his wifes side. (My wife and my mother are constantly at odds. Its my duty however to always stand with my wife while never abandoning my mother. Tough balance believe me)

[mysticamethyst]

I am not sure how I will deal with it I will let you know next month. My in-laws will be staying with us throught the winter I guess. Found out my dh agreed to this last week. I am all ready a bit worried, fil will be in spare bedroom, this is where I sleep when dh snoring or gas gets unbarable, which is at least twice a week. MIL wanders around all night long sleeping here and there but never in a bed and the icing on the cake she is bringing her dog with her and she smokes. I have enough dogs as you can see in my siggy and I do not need to say anything on the smoking.

 

Sorry this has turned into my own worry and whine. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don't here are some :grouphug::grouphug: I hope you get it worked out peacfully.

[Liza Q]

MY MIL lived with us for 9 years. She needed to be with us for financial reasons and as much as I hated it I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

I have a lot of ideas but I am wondering - why is she living with you? Whose idea was this? Sensible arrangement or necessary arrangement? Is there money involved - is she paying rent of some sort or are you supporting her? Are you helping her out or is she helping you out? Is she a rational person?

[radiobrain]

My MIL lived with us for 9 years.

Edited October 12, 2010 by radiobrain
TMI

[DawnM]

There is NO WAY I could homeschool and be home all day and have my mother or my MIL in the house. I would have to either find somewhere to go all day and part of the evening, or go back to work full time and volunteer in the evenings.

 

Kudos if you can make it work.

 

My home is not available to either of the above.

[newbie]

MY MIL lived with us for 9 years. She needed to be with us for financial reasons and as much as I hated it I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

I have a lot of ideas but I am wondering - why is she living with you? Whose idea was this? Sensible arrangement or necessary arrangement? Is there money involved - is she paying rent of some sort or are you supporting her? Are you helping her out or is she helping you out? Is she a rational person?

 

 

Actually, I have no clue why, she just showed up magically one day. W/no stuff.

 

I have asked, but dh will not say, he thinks its cute to just not say anything and smile at me.

 

What really ticks me off, is we cannot talk about anything b/c she is in the basement and hears everything, I might of already said this, but I guess I have a good reason, I am simply going mad.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually, I have no clue why, she just showed up magically one day. W/no stuff.

 

I have asked, but dh will not say, he thinks its cute to just not say anything and smile at me.

 

What really ticks me off, is we cannot talk about anything b/c she is in the basement and hears everything, I might of already said this, but I guess I have a good reason, I am simply going mad.

 

Time to take care of your in-house babysitter and go out with your dh alone.

[newbie]

Time to take care of your in-house babysitter and go out with your dh alone.

 

You are sooo right, I should take advantage before I kick her out. Sorry to be mean.

[Impish]

Actually, I have no clue why, she just showed up magically one day. W/no stuff.

 

I have asked, but dh will not say, he thinks its cute to just not say anything and smile at me.

 

What really ticks me off, is we cannot talk about anything b/c she is in the basement and hears everything, I might of already said this, but I guess I have a good reason, I am simply going mad.

4 days w/MIL is about my limit. And the bolded part would have me furious.

[Danestress]

and she has lived here a couple of months at a time a few times. I was definitely raised in a "respect your elders" family, and I do think there is some real personal growth to be had in making the choice to have a parent live with you or even to put the needs of an "extended family" person above your own at times.

 

That said, I think you have a marriage problem more than a MIL problem. I know. No husband bashing. But what you wrote is something that I would be exploring in marriage counseling.

[RoughCollie]

Actually, I have no clue why, she just showed up magically one day. W/no stuff.

 

That is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard.

 

Where is your FIL? Is he deceased? If not, is he going to show up, too?

Edited October 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[lllll]

..

[Kate CA]

.

Edited October 17, 2010 by Kate CA

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

Looks like dh and mil are expecting you to adjust to a system they set up ages ago. BTDT. It's probably best to set boundaries sooner rather than later.

 

Since MIL speaks another language, it sounds like it might have been set up by cultural expectation rather than as a conspiracy against you specifically. Cross-cultural marriages can have their challenges and those involving the older generation can often be more difficult because the cultural influences are more ingrained.

[lllll]

..

[newbie]

That is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard.

 

Where is your FIL? Is he deceased? If not, is he going to show up, too?

 

 

Yeah, FIl has been gone two years.

[newbie]

I have been accepting of cultural diff. in past, b/c I can leave anytime it gets on my nerves.

 

 

But now its grinding, to the point of health is bothering me right now.

 

Btw, thanks to all for listening to my griping, it is hard to gripe on phone, b/c she is listening. So I have to speak in code. Hmmm, maybe I need to find a friend who speaks Spanish or German, brilliant.

[Catwoman]

She listens in on your phone conversations, as well as on your conversations with your dh? :eek:

 

AND she moved in without your prior approval???

 

Your Dh has no right to expect you to simply accept this and deal with his mother's antics. You married him, not his mother, and it doesn't sound like there's a valid reason why she'd have to move in with you, so it's time for her to find a new place of her own (or move back to wherever she came from.)

 

Your dh should tell her that it has been lovely having her visit, but it's time for her to go back home. Period.

 

And if he won't do that, I'd throw her sorry butt to the curb myself... and DH along with her. (But that's just me -- I'm pretty tough about this sort of thing.)

 

Your dh is supposed to think of you first, and clearly he's not doing that. He can give you as many cute little smiles as he'd like, but he needs to take action and show his mother that she does not rule your household. If he sides with her against you, that is simply unacceptable.

 

I hope this works out for you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[holdoll]

My MIL lived with us for 5 years. It was great when the youngest was little because Grandma kept her busy when I was working with her sister. She was easy going and never interfered. I was really upset when she moved out! It was like losing a best friend.

 

However, I just found out from DH that his GM wants to move in with us if her current situation changes. :svengo: She's a 95 year old extremely opinionated retired school teacher, and not in the best of health.

[Catwoman]

However, I just found out from DH that his GM wants to move in with us if her current situation changes. :svengo: She's a 95 year old extremely opinionated retired school teacher, and not in the best of health.

 

Oh, dear. That doesn't sound like a good situation for you or your family.

 

I hope you can politely refuse (or even not-so-politely, if the polite thing doesn't work!)

 

Cat