Please help me understand my friend's fear of homeschooling

[Tracy]

I have a relatively new friend that has expressed tremendous interest in homeschooling. She has a 4th grader she is very concerned about. He is the smallest boy in the class and gets bullied. She says he used to be a happy, outgoing boy, but now he is angry all the time. Every time I see her, she asks me about homeschooling and wants to know about how we do it. All of the grandparents involved have encouraged her to pull him out of school, and the dh is supportive.

 

It seems the perfect scenario for homeschooling, yet she confides in me that she is just scared. I know that given what she has told me about her concerns for her son that her fear of homeschooling must truly be paralyzing. Since I have always wanted to homeschool, I cannot really relate, and I want to understand. Surely some of you out there have experienced this and can help me understand and perhaps give some advice on how to be encouraging and supportive.

[Snickerdoodle]

In general I think people are just afraid of change. They can talk about making a change, fantasize about it, but actually changing something (anything) takes a certain amount of grit.

[Kates]

Well, I know when my son asked to homeschool, I almost asked, "I'm sorry, whose child are you?" (Stopped myself just in time lol...) I was scared silly.

 

That weekend, I went to the library and picked up every book I could find - and was shocked to find out that homeschooling is not at all what I thought it was. Before that day, I literally told people, "I'm sure it's a fine idea and all, but y'all are nuts." Now, I travel around the country speaking on homeschooling and helping people pick out currics that will help them reach their children. (My son tells me that this is what you call "ironic". :D)

 

It really could just be a lack of understanding of what homeschooling is. I would try just asking her, up front, what is keeping her from homeschooling - and then let her know where to find information to see if that fear is supported or not. Sometimes, it just takes switching your view on something to understand it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I was afraid too. It was a combo of change, stepping outside the norm, all the opportunities I imagined they would miss, all the friends I thought they'd lose and worried about what my friends would say/think. I'm not proud of any of thta but it was all there.

[Create Your Ritual]

I think so often we sit through something like this, with our kids coming home daily in a foul mood because of things that have happened to them in school, and don't realize there IS a different and better way. I spent the better part of last year with my 3rd grader in PS and watched her get worse as the months wore on. I told someone at some point that I felt like being there was literally 'changing what I thought she could become' right before my very eyes.

 

I pulled her the first week of May from 3rd grade and although it WAS scary, and I had my hands full at figuring out curriculum over the summer for both kids, I haven't yet regretted my decision. We live out in the country, but are so busy with gymnastics, soccer, piano lessons, church activities and friends that they truly aren't missing anything other than the daily behavioral issues of their peers and the constant drama of being surrounded by them. They are learning a TON too, and that certainly makes my heart happy.

 

I personally would not say that I was one of those people that would ever homeschool. I don't have a ton of patience, and I like my free time. But, frankly not having to spend the day worried about her and the evenings UNDOING her day has been a blessing indeed.

 

I wish your friend well. You don't realize what a great journey it is until you are on it.

[Tracy]

It really could just be a lack of understanding of what homeschooling is. I would try just asking her, up front, what is keeping her from homeschooling - and then let her know where to find information to see if that fear is supported or not. Sometimes, it just takes switching your view on something to understand it.

 

I have actually asked her why, given her interest and concerns about her son, she isn't homeschooling. Her response is that she is afraid of screwing up her kids. I have suggested that homeschooling is not an all-or-nothing decision, but that if it doesn't work, they can re-evaluate and make other choices. I think that is somewhat comforting, but she is still clearly very fearful.

[Sophia]

I have a relatively new friend that has expressed tremendous interest in homeschooling. She has a 4th grader she is very concerned about. He is the smallest boy in the class and gets bullied. She says he used to be a happy, outgoing boy, but now he is angry all the time.

 

It seems the perfect scenario for homeschooling, yet she confides in me that she is just scared. I know that given what she has told me about her concerns for her son that her fear of homeschooling must truly be paralyzing.

 

Have you read this blog post?

 

If she were my friend I would definitely pass it on to her.

 

*excerpt from blog post* "It was by the end of fifth grade that I officially hated myself. My first day at that school was just seven weeks before we let out for the summer. It took only seven weeks to siphon out every droplet of love that I had for myself."

 

Certainly, homeschooling is hard and not for everyone, but she's seen her son negatively affected from bullying...it's time to get over her fear and rescue him.

Edited October 8, 2010 by Sophia

[elise1mds]

I know when I started thinking about the idea, I was scared senseless because I had no idea how to 'do' it. I was overwhelmed by the amount of options out there, all the different ways to teach, and just the mere thought of my son's education being wholly in my hands (i.e. there was nobody else responsible if he hated it or wasn't learning anything). Finally a friend of mine handed me a copy of WTM, and I read it and thought, "I can do this!!" It was amazingly eye-opening. Then she steered me toward Cathy Duffy to help me discover how my son learned and get some good curriculum ideas.

 

Three months after we started, when I could finally see that we were making progress and I wasn't "screwing him up" is when I finally started to let go of my fears. I just needed someone to hold my hand and tell me how to do it "right." She might need you to provide step-by-step guidance, too.

[brownie]

It's easier to abdicate responsibility for screwing up your kid to someone else, but in the end it is still your fault if you let the school screw them up.

 

Invite her to come watch you homeschool for a day. This is only our second year. We pulled our kids out from ps and I was scared. We prayed on it for months, went to conferences, met with other homeschoolers, etc.. Also, is cyber schooling an option? It's less scary that way I imagine. Brownie

[regentrude]

I think it is very normal to be scared if homeschooling is not something you grew up with and are familiar with.

I definitely was scared and agonized over the decision to pull DD out of school:

would I be able to spend enough time teaching her with me working a job?

Would she cooperate?

Would she learn all she needed?

How could I make sure not to miss anything important?

Would she miss being with other kids?

How would I choose the best curriculum that fit her needs?

What about college - what do I need to do to get her prepared and admitted?

 

I can not imagine NOT being scared when suddenly accepting complete responsibility over my child's education. Decisions I make now may harm her a few years down the road.

I was much more relaxed about pulling DS out of school a few months later - because by then I had realized that it would work out fine. But the initial decision was very difficult for me, and it took two encouraging friends who "pushed me off the fence" (and the knowledge that I could always send them back to PS if I was a failure at homescholing)

 

I actually marvel at people who have not a single doubt that they are making the right decision - with anything this important.

[melmichigan]

Have you read this blog post?

 

If she were my friend I would definitely pass it on to her.

 

*excerpt from blog post* "It was by the end of fifth grade that I officially hated myself. My first day at that school was just seven weeks before we let out for the summer. It took only seven weeks to siphon out every droplet of love that I had for myself."

 

Certainly, homeschooling is hard and not for everyone, but she's seen her son negatively affected from bullying...it's time to get over her fear and rescue him.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

I was terrified when I started homeschooling. It is an amazing responsibility and a lonesome journey, especially in areas where it isn't the norm. We lost friends over the endeavor and questioned the decision often that first year. Change is hard and often scary. My saving grace this year with a difficult DD has been my memories of the teasing, bullying, and isolation that I experienced in school. I will not put my DC through that when I have the power to save them from it.

[EJCMom]

As accepeted as homeschooling has become in more recent years, it is still very much against the societal norm. To me it seems only natural that just that fact alone would make someone weary. Also, as a pp said, it is a huge responsibility. If I let myself get carried away with thinking about just how huge of a responsibility it is, I can actually get myself worked up into a full-blown panic.

 

What I would suggest is that she join an online forum like this one. I think once she sees how her fears are normal, but not impossible to overcome, she would become more comfortable with the idea.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

yes people are afraid of change---and anything out of the "norm" in general--and especially when it comes to education--especially those of us who grew up with a public school education-it might be hard for her to realize that she really can give her child a quality education at home.....do you have a homeschool group? maybe you could invite her to a gathering and let her as questions/learn how each family does it....just an idea.....

[kalanamak]

I was terrified when I started homeschooling. It is an amazing responsibility and a lonesome journey

 

I wouldn't say terrified, but I sure have some dark days of doubt. If you can't bounce back from them, it would be a very tough thing to do....

[nova mama]

I've always wanted to homeschool, have a supportive DH, and I was still scared. DS went to school for 2 years, until I finally got the confidence. I read WTM when he was in 1st grade and started afterschooling. After doing that for a year, and realizing that school did not provide the socialization I thought I was looking for, I finally took him out.

 

I think it has a lot to do with my personality. I'm not one to jump into things. I analyze, agonize, and deliberate ad nauseam. I agree with the other posters--invite her to the forum, to your homeschool, and maybe your social activities with other HSers. Loan her or buy her a copy of WTM. Help her see that she can do it.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I know how your friend feels. Even while homeschooling my kids, I daily though, "Am I doing them a disservice? Am I doing enough?" Please assure your friend that she is NOT alone in her fear, by any means! BUT the whole fact that she IS concerned about her kids makes her a good mom and a good mom makes a great teacher! I'll be praying for her!

[Little Nyssa]

What helped me was "practicing" homeschooling before we actually started: I chose a subject I knew would be interesting, made a simple plan, and set aside some time regularly on Saturday mornings. It went well, and I saw that I could do it, so this year in Sept I was all ready to go HS full time!

[Food4Thought]

I was pretty terrified when I first started, and spent months reading everything about homeschooling from the library. One of my fears is one that I think is perpetuated by our current society's views of education: that only a teacher can teach. What I've found instead is that my own love of learning and curiosity and willingness to say, "Let's find out together" makes me more than able to teach. I'd still be terrified to spend time in a classroom, but for my own children - I can do it. I'm sure your friend can too. She's not teaching 30 kids at once like a PS teacher has to - just the one boy that she knows and loves. :)

[StephanieF]

It is a MASSIVE responsibility so I can see why she is scared. However if you break it down into chunks of time it doesn't seem so frightening.

She doesn't need to do it forever. Even a year or two to give her ds time to grow physically and in confidence may be all that is needed.

Stephanie

[michelle l]

I thought about homeschooling for years before we did it. Last year was our first year home, and I spent that spring and summer researching homeschooling like crazy. Even then I was terrified, and didn't notify the school until mid-August.

 

It was very hard to remove ourselves from the school community. I was extremely frightened of failing. As a parent, I trusted the school to educate my children, and it was just hard to believe I could do as well at home. (And I used to teach ps for crying out loud!:001_huh:) But I think we're so accustomed to deferring to the "experts". Honestly, I'm still scared. Every day. Our the curricula we'e using do not match up with all the state standards, and even though I really do believe in what we're doing and why, it still often terrifies me.

 

I think it's a great idea to invite her to observe at your house, and to meet other homeschooling moms/families. I don't know exactly why it's such a hard decision for some of us, but I can attest that it truly is tough.

[radiobrain]

Well, she is already considering it... that is good. There are plenty of people who would never consider "cramping their style" to address their kid's unhappiness or being bullied.

 

Bullying can be serious. If not "actually" serious, the emotional consequences can be devastating. If her kid were going to a friends house who bullied him, or a doctor who made her kid feel like dirt, or any other place... would you send them to that same place day after day, knowing that it would continue? How is it very different from staying with an emotionally abusive spouse/parent?

 

She should pull him asap. De-school. Figure out what she wants to do, and the academics, later. The important thing is to get him out of the situation before the damage is irreparable. If Mama bear is feeling it is that bad, she needs to follow her instincts. ;)

 

She can always put him back in, there or somewhere else, at a different time. It is not like you lose your right to a public education for good if you choose to HS. It might be the best thing she ever does, it might be a failure, but what it is NOT is her child being systematically and incrementally destroyed from the inside by an uncaring system and a few jerks. Yes, she might "screw him up"... but she definitely is allowing someone else to screw him up now. I would take the possible over the definite, every time.

 

Be her support system.

[NanceXToo]

It's easier to abdicate responsibility for screwing up your kid to someone else, but in the end it is still your fault if you let the school screw them up.

 

Invite her to come watch you homeschool for a day. This is only our second year. We pulled our kids out from ps and I was scared. We prayed on it for months, went to conferences, met with other homeschoolers, etc.. Also, is cyber schooling an option? It's less scary that way I imagine. Brownie

 

You know, this is a good point.

 

I NEVER thought I would homeschool. My daughter went to public school for K, 1st grade, 2nd grade, and most of 3rd grade. It wasn't until third grade that I finally just had enough of all the things I couldn't stand about the schools and started looking into homeschooling.

 

I did end up pulling her out in March of that year and homeschooling her for the rest of third grade, all of fourth, and now we're doing 5th and I can't imagine life any other way. I wish I had done it sooner! My little son, at least, will be home with me right from the beginning.

 

But the truth is, it WAS scary. I hadn't been homeschooled, nobody in my family had been homeschooled, the couple of people I knew who homeschooled, I knew only casually at that point, and it was a big change. It was just so out of the ordinary for us, that that alone was kind of scary.

 

And I kept thinking "am I REALLY "qualified" to teach her? Am I going to screw this up? Am I ruining her life?"

 

Like Brownie said, it's easier to let someone else, someone you were raised to think of as "qualified," take on the responsibility of teaching your children!

 

But in the end... Brownie is right, and i never thought of it that way. If you're afraid of "screwing them up" and so you're leaving them in someone else's hands... making that decision is still YOU "screwing them up" if you're allowing them to be in a poor system where bad things are happening to them!!!

 

For me, doing lots and lots of reading (books and articles) on the benefits and positive side of homeschooling helped me get started. Connecting with other homeschoolers in my meetup group also helped tremendously (not feeling like "the only one" or something). Reminding myself that it didn't necessarily have to be permanent, that if i changed my mind or felt like it wasn't working out, I could always send her back helped.

 

And lastly, once I actually STARTED homeschooling, I found myself thinking "this is great! This feels really natural! What the heck was I so worried about to begin with?!"

 

And I'd see the standardized test scores come out in the paper each year and see how the schools here really are "failing" and I'd think, "Well, I can't possibly do a worse job at this than they are!" and I'd remember all the things I couldn't stand about public school and think, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with THAT anymore!"

 

Maybe your friend can think of it as a "trial period" and just keep in mind that it isn't irreversible. But hopefully once she got started, she'd never think of reversing that decision!

[mrs.m]

I was that way. It took me 4 years to actually decide to just do it. Even now I won't commit beyond this year. We are in our second year now.

 

I greatly enjoy homeschooling so please don't get me wrong. Sometimes I wonder if my son would be a better speller if he was in public school. Or maybe my daughter would be a better writer... But then I remind myself of what was really happening and decide that it probably wouldn't be the case and maybe even far worse.

 

It wasn't about change. I can deal with changes. It is about the level of responsibility required to properly educate 3 children. It feels as if it is all in my hands now to hand them the tools they need for their future. I am still often afraid and question if I'm doing the right thing. But I invite God into my decision making and our day. So I know that their future is really in His hands and not soley up to me whether they are home or in public school.