Suppose you were on the wait list for adopting a child...

[specialmama]

and you decided that you wanted a puppy instead.

 

Is that so bad?

 

Please tell me that's not so bad... I feel just awful even admitting it to myself let alone broadcasting it...

 

[specialmama]

See if I can sway some answers here...

[SailorMom]

Not bad since you might be deciding this before you got the baby.....:grouphug:

[Carrie12345]

I think that's not nearly as bad as, say, acquiring (by one means or another) a bunch of kids and THEN wishing you had gotten a puppy instead.

 

You know, unless that's just a random thought that only crosses your mind once or twice a day. THAT'S okay. I hope!

 

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

My mom got a shih tzu instead of having more children. She was glad she did.

[sparrow]

Have you been waiting a long time? Sometimes the wait is just too much. Family dynamics change, as your children age, and you get to a point where the thought of upending all of that, by adding a new family member, doesn't seem as doable as it once did. I always thought we would adopt again, but as our kids got older, the desire diminished.

 

I collect cats now :D.

 

Cute puppy.

[specialmama]

Thank you, everyone. :grouphug:

 

Have you been waiting a long time? Sometimes the wait is just too much. Family dynamics change, as your children age, and you get to a point where the thought of upending all of that, by adding a new family member, doesn't seem as doable as it once did. I always thought we would adopt again, but as our kids got older, the desire diminished.

 

I collect cats now :D.

 

Cute puppy.

 

Well, long by what standards? LOL. Here in Alberta the wait depends on the kind of adoption you are going for. I was going for an older child between the ages of 4 and 9yrs from the foster care system. We did all the paperwork, training, interviews, were approved, etc. I was told it could be between 4 and 6 months and it's been over 14 months. We did have several matches, but we turned them down because they had RAD and I already have one special needs child so I can't handle too much special need. I know exactly what I could handle: a lot of different special needs, but all of them are minor and manageable for me. Our file is still getting sent out, so it's not stagnant. But I wonder if what you say is true for me. I hadn't thought about that. Perhaps that is what is happening. Perhaps I built myself up for a certain time limit and the desire is just simply diminishing. hmmm.... thank you for that...

[Parrothead]

I wanted more kids, that didn't happen. I wanted to adopt, that didn't happen. We got the puppy which is now a dog. It wasn't a bad deal.

[Starr]

I have a friend with 4 children that says you get a puppy when you're done having children. :D

[KrissiK]

Maybe we should do that. We've adopted 3 children from foster care. The wait time for our 2 boys was 3 weeks (6 years ago), our daughter we waited 6 months (4 years ago) and we've been waiting 3 years now for number 4 and there's nothin'. We're toying with the idea of an international adoption, but DH isn't really on board with that. You know, that puppy really is cute. Although... DH probably wouldn't be on board with a puppy, either, since they dig. Hmm.

[guateangel]

We wavered all the time during the wait with our adoptions. NOt so much with the idea of 'do this instead', but we would figure out things to do to help with the wait. We had an exchange student, fostered dogs, took a long vacation, etc.

 

A dog is less of a commitment (obviously, lol), so I'd say go for it.

[Murmer]

Adoption is hard and the waiting is excruciating....we haven't even started the process for number 3 and yet every now and then we thinks we could go to Disney World instead of saving up to adopt (oh wait we did this after being approved 1 month with an agency known to have a 4 year wait ds was born 5 months later), or now the thought of what we would not be able to do if we had to pay the cost of another adoption....you don't even want to know what we did in the form of compensation before we were able to adopt dd (a love sac a huge need in our lives). A puppy may be just the thing to finish your family or help you get through this time until your child can enter your family...Enjoy him/or her!

[MamaSheep]

It's not so bad. I'm right there with you at this very moment, except maybe a little farther down the line, having already sat on the list for several years and decided this summer that we need to get off the roller coaster even though we haven't been able to adopt a child (they make it SOUND so easy!). We're leaving open the possibility of revisiting adoption again in a couple of years when our kids are older, but at this point, who knows. It's an emotionally complex situation. I know what you mean about feeling strange even admitting it to yourself, let alone out loud, but sometimes it really is the right thing. Even if it's hard. I'll do you one up, though, and admit that I don't even really want a puppy right now. I think I need to just...BE...for a while. (Although I will also admit that if somebody handed us a healthy newborn and said we could keep it, we would be ECSTATIC! It's not likely to happen, though, since we are no longer on "the list". "The list" was starting to feel like just one MORE way in which to be infertile--even for older kids. Very depressing. I need a break from it. But we're not getting any younger, so we might just be done.)

 

Hugs!:grouphug:

Edited September 9, 2010 by MamaSheep
Fixing dumb spelling error...lol

[Dobela]

We took our names off the adoption wait list earlier this year. A year had passed since we finalized dd's adtoption. It was hard in a way because we had originally wanted more children. But our dd's adoption took 2 long years in court (due to idiots in the system but I won't go there now) and we were just worn out emotionally. By that time it had been 2years since our lives had been disrupted (we were foster parents before) and not having the disruptions was nice. We liked just being us as we were. I still love kids, but we feel settled in our routine now, and I just don't have the desire now for more kids. Both of our kids are struggling with special needs and I feel so scattered some days that I just don't want to juggle another child with more/different needs.

 

So, yes, I can see wanting a puppy instead of continuing with an adoption. And yes, I can understand taking your name off the waiting list. Sometimes enough is just enough and we come to that conclusion quietly.:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I've never wanted to adopt, but me and all my old friends got what we called our mid life crisis puppies.

[bookfiend]

I've never wanted to adopt, but me and all my old friends got what we called our mid life crisis puppies.

 

We've also never wanted to adopt, but I rescued my GS when one friend had twins and another had her fourth. It was either baby or dog at our house. Hubby said he was too old for another infant.

[WagsWife]

Dh and I have wanted another baby for years...our youngest was 4 when we first decided we for sure wanted another. On top of fertility issues, we have had two deployments and some minor concerns with my health in the past 6 years.

 

We finally decided about May that we would start the process for foster/adopt. It is not really an ideal time for us (my Dh will be retiring from the military this time next year)...but as our girls get older, I can feel myself start to transition out of the diaper/toddler stage. I am afraid if we wait much longer, the desire will leave us...but we will regret not having more children. SO we are taking this huge step now...before it is too late (so to speak.)

 

Even with all the desire to have another child there are times where I think it is nice that I am not tied to the house, that I get to sleep all night...or do I really want to do all of it over again. I am relieved that we are almost done with the foster process, because I think those thoughts/feelings will start to come more and more.

[Teachin'Mine]

Why not keep your name in the waiting list, and go get a puppy now. :)

 

When your name comes to the top of the list, you can make your decision at that time, but if you take your name off the list, and then decide later you want back on, the waiting would start all over again.

[Lolly]

Maybe we should do that. We've adopted 3 children from foster care. The wait time for our 2 boys was 3 weeks (6 years ago), our daughter we waited 6 months (4 years ago) and we've been waiting 3 years now for number 4 and there's nothin'. We're toying with the idea of an international adoption, but DH isn't really on board with that. You know, that puppy really is cute. Although... DH probably wouldn't be on board with a puppy, either, since they dig. Hmm.

 

My kids dig far more often than my dog. The boy child in particular likes to dig.:D

 

 

I think it is a good thing to realize at this point that you might rather have a puppy.

[MariannNOVA]

Have you been waiting a long time? Sometimes the wait is just too much. Family dynamics change, as your children age, and you get to a point where the thought of upending all of that, by adding a new family member, doesn't seem as doable as it once did. I always thought we would adopt again, but as our kids got older, the desire diminished.

 

I collect cats now :D.

 

Cute puppy.

 

I've bolded what I wanted to say - but sparrow said it better.

 

The puppy is precious!:grouphug:

[Dawn in OH]

Why not keep your name in the waiting list' date=' and go get a puppy now. :)

 

When your name comes to the top of the list, you can make your decision at that time, but if you take your name off the list, and then decide later you want back on, the waiting would start all over again.[/quote']

 

I agree. This is good advice.

[OnTheBrink]

Why not keep your name in the waiting list' date=' and go get a puppy now. :)

 

When your name comes to the top of the list, you can make your decision at that time, but if you take your name off the list, and then decide later you want back on, the waiting would start all over again.[/quote']

 

I agree. And, definitely get the Beagle puppy. They are just too cute to pass up!

[specialmama]

Why not keep your name in the waiting list' date=' and go get a puppy now. :)

 

When your name comes to the top of the list, you can make your decision at that time, but if you take your name off the list, and then decide later you want back on, the waiting would start all over again.[/quote']

 

This is wonderful advice, and something I think we'll go with. However, if we do remove our name, it will not make a difference in the wait should we sign up again. For infant adoption, yes, there is a queue, but not for older child placements from foster care. They base it on who will match your family the best, not how long you've been waiting.

 

I do love this option, though. But it's hard to keep our name there. It feels like life is on hold, and every so often I'll startle when the phone rings... or I'll look around at my kids and think, do I really want to change things and bring in unstability? *sigh* I don't know.

 

A puppy would only bring unstability for the first few months of training...

[Dobela]

 

I do love this option, though. But it's hard to keep our name there. It feels like life is on hold, and every so often I'll startle when the phone rings... or I'll look around at my kids and think, do I really want to change things and bring in unstability? *sigh* I don't know.

 

 

And that is exactly why we took our name off the list.

[specialmama]

And that is exactly why we took our name off the list.

 

:grouphug: I'm so glad I posted all this stuff. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you, and to the others that shared as well. :grouphug:

 

And...I want that dog.

[orangearrow]

Here is my puppy-instead-of-a-baby. She's lovely (and over a year old now) and I haven't regretted the decision. (well, maybe once or twice. But it was the right decision for us...)

 

[KrissiK]

But it's hard to keep our name there. It feels like life is on hold, and every so often I'll startle when the phone rings... or I'll look around at my kids and think, do I really want to change things and bring in unstability? *sigh* I don't know.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. DD is in a bunk bed now, so the crib is put away, but it's not given away. I've kept a lot of clothes for hand-me downs, the bouncy seat is stuffed under the bed. DH doesn't understand the way I feel, but I cannot go on like this much longer. I need some sort of closure in some way. I really really really want another child and I don't understand if there is such a need why it is so difficult to adopt.

[WagsWife]

This is exactly how I feel. DD is in a bunk bed now, so the crib is put away, but it's not given away. I've kept a lot of clothes for hand-me downs, the bouncy seat is stuffed under the bed. DH doesn't understand the way I feel, but I cannot go on like this much longer. I need some sort of closure in some way. I really really really want another child and I don't understand if there is such a need why it is so difficult to adopt.

 

Just wondering...why is it so hard? We are new to this entire process, but everything we have heard suggests that once we are certified, there should not be much wait for a placement.

 

I know that the wait time depends on what we have put down as what we are willing to accept, but even then, I was under the impression that there are so many kids...it would not be a long wait.

 

Now I am worried :(

[KrissiK]

Well... I don't know. Some things I know play a part in our wait are....

1) When we started out, we had no kids, said we'd accept a sibling group any gender. We got 2 little boys, bio-brothers age 13 months and 4 months after waiting 3 weeks. Now, because of the foster care rules, we are only able to take one child, a girl (we have a 3 bedroom house, they only allow 2 kids per room, same gender). Admittedly, those are fewer and farther to come by.

2) We have 3 kids already and are less likely to get placed than a couple with no children.

3) The system is so backed up right now that it seems families who are willing to just do foster care are getting placed and then they end up adopting the kids, rather than them moving into the fost-adopt program. Dh's bro & wife were only able to get their little girl because they said they'd go straight foster care and they were lucky. THey got a newborn, and because of this child's circumstances it seems likely they'll get to adopt, but since the system's primary goal is to reunify... sometimes the kids are in the system a long long time before that happens, or you may end up being a revolving door for children in and out of your home. If foster care is your thing and that's what you want to do, then that's fine but if your goal is to adopt, it's very risky.

 

I don't want to discourage you, but... on the other hand, it is a system that keeps getting more and more bogged down and frustrating and the losers are the children.

[Shelly in IL]

My mid-life baby is now a 3 year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. We also have a 7 year old Airedale, but the spaniel is truly my "baby." Very cuddly, soft, and sleeps alot!

[Dobela]

Well... I don't know. Some things I know play a part in our wait are....

1) When we started out, we had no kids, said we'd accept a sibling group any gender. We got 2 little boys, bio-brothers age 13 months and 4 months after waiting 3 weeks. Now, because of the foster care rules, we are only able to take one child, a girl (we have a 3 bedroom house, they only allow 2 kids per room, same gender). Admittedly, those are fewer and farther to come by.

2) We have 3 kids already and are less likely to get placed than a couple with no children.

3) The system is so backed up right now that it seems families who are willing to just do foster care are getting placed and then they end up adopting the kids, rather than them moving into the fost-adopt program. Dh's bro & wife were only able to get their little girl because they said they'd go straight foster care and they were lucky. THey got a newborn, and because of this child's circumstances it seems likely they'll get to adopt, but since the system's primary goal is to reunify... sometimes the kids are in the system a long long time before that happens, or you may end up being a revolving door for children in and out of your home. If foster care is your thing and that's what you want to do, then that's fine but if your goal is to adopt, it's very risky.

 

I don't want to discourage you, but... on the other hand, it is a system that keeps getting more and more bogged down and frustrating and the losers are the children.

That is so true. Some states are unbelieveably backed up. It took us 4 years as foster parents to adopt again and it was no easy road. We had 2 failed placements before a successful one. Those failed due to social workers not revealing to us the full extent of the children's backgrounds -which means we accepted 2 children with severe RAD that turned our lives upside down. At one point we learned our state doesn't have the adoptive-to-be parents in a computer system that makes matches. Instead the real, actual file gets passed from county to county to see if the over worked worker can make any matches after reading all of every file. Ugh. I guess that explains why our file was lost more than once.

 

We received our dd after the worker couldn't find anyone in the state (that she personally knew since there was not a computer data base of foster parents across the state) willing to take on a 4lb preemie that was being released from the hospital with multiple issues. She called by chance a social worker we knew in desperation and our social worker called us. Our social worker was employeed by a private agency. At first it was just to be a foster placement that lasted for 2 weeks (which is why some families turned the baby down, they didn't want a foster placement). At the end of 2 weeks it was determined that there was no biological family able or willing to keep her so we were officially asked to adopt her. Next though came the roller coaster ride of our life as it took the state 2 years to finalize the adoption when it should have taken 6 months. They lost our paperwork, counties refused to work together (her bio family was from a different county than the one we live in), social workers sent paperwork to the wrong counties (which then just threw it away because they didn't know who we were instead of sending it back), they didn't follow proceedure, and more. It was a huge strain on us as every 6 weeks I had to go to court 4 hours away just to hear someone say, "No, I didn't get it done." 3 times we went to court thinking that would be the day we were to finalize only to arrive and hear someone say, "I didn't finish the required paperwork." I spent no less than 20 hours a week, sometimes as much as 40, tracking paperwork, reminding workers what need to be done, had they done it, passing on information to dds attorney ad litem, and so on.

 

Now, not everyone I know had it this difficult, but many have in our state. The process is long, can be difficult, and not even make sense, but our daughter was worth it.

[Impish]

Personally, I wouldn't go with a beagle. With the wild rabbits around, it would scale your fence and be gone in a heartbeat.

 

Other than that, go ahead w/the puppy, and leave your name on the list sounds like great advice.

 

Better still, pray about it. Talk to your dh before and after you both spend time in prayer. See what happens.

[HS Mom in NC]

Depending on the type of adoption you pursue and the birth country if you go internationally, you should consider how waiting could affect your eligibility. We adopted from S. Korea where there are age limits for adoptive parents. Once the oldest parent hits the age limit you are no longer eligible. I am always amazed at people who, knowing nothing about adoption, will casually say things like, "Oh, if it doesn't work out [usually fertility treatments or continuing a career past childbearing age] you can just adopt!" Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.

 

Do you know what the average wait time is right now? How would you feel about that being added to going with the dog and waiting an unspecified time to determine if you're still interested in having another child? There have been steady increases in wait time for approved parents in countries like China for a while now. Does that factor in to your decision? Do you have any opinions about how old is too old for you if you get the dog and then later pursue the adoption? If you remove your name for consideration and reapply later, what kind of additional wait will that add and are you OK with that if there is one?

 

We were also certified as foster parents in our state. While we explored our options in 2004-2005 it was very clear that getting a child through the fost-adopt programs was almost impossible. (We met a woman who applied to adopt 11 of the 12 older foster kids over the course of 4 years-none were actually available.) People taking that route can wait a very long time.

 

News reports claim the birth rate is down in the US due to the economy. If that's true, is it possible women not interested in having children right now will be particularly careful to avoid a pregnancy and is it possible that will decrease even more the number of newborns available for private adoption? It's a conversation I've heard lately in the adoption community. (Not that avoiding unwanted pregnancy is bad, but it does affect prospective adoptive parents.)