Driver's license

[Only me]

Sorry, this got long! My daughter turned 18 in July and still doesn't have her driver's license. Right from the start my dd has had a difficult road trying to getting her license. She switched schools after freshman year. Her new school didn't provide driver's education so she had to wait until after her sophomore year to take it. Around here most kids take it during sophomore year.

 

She had a lot of trouble with her driving instructor (most I didn't find out about until much later). The instructor really expected the kids to know how to drive before driving lessons. I'm not sure how this is possible since they just got their permits. After speaking with other parents I found that the norm was that the instructor would teach the students something (parking for example) and then expect the student to practice that skill with their parent. This teacher was the other way around.

 

The very first day she took my dd out to drive she took her downtown (in a small city). There was a lot of traffic and one way streets, etc. Dd got very stressed out and didn't do very well but instead of helping dd the instructor just yelled at her and made dd do worse. She would yell at dd about dd not knowing how to drive. If I knew this was happening I would have switched instructors but I didn't find out until later. That year a boy her age who lived on the street behind us got killed in an accident. Dd says that it hasn't affected her driving but I think on some level it has.

 

I also had trouble helping my dd get the required 50 hours behind-the-wheel. I didn't get any help from my husband so I found it difficult to get in the 50 hours. I know that it is my fault but we had so many doctor's visits with my middle daughter that year so between that and everything else going on in our life I really found it difficult to find time to devote to helping this dd drive. I did have her drive with me but it was usually home from school (only 15 minutes). It took her all of junior year to accumulate enough hours.

 

Senior year dd kept on putting off getting her license. She just didn't feel that she was ready. We would say that she would get it over Christmas break and then it would be pushed back to spring break, etc. I hired another driving instructor for a private lesson and he actually said that she did great and was ready for her test.

 

In June dd went to take her test. The man who was helping us was trouble from the start. He was rude and didn't seem to know what he was doing. When he took her out to the parking lot to take her test he had her try her lights and windshield wipers, etc. That went fine. Then he got out of the car and was motioning her to do something. She had no idea what he wanted and couldn't hear him. Then he came into the car already with an attitude and had dd start the test. DD didn't know what she did wrong and was afraid to ask him. By then she was very flustered. She had to make a left turn out of the parking lot into very heavy traffic. She started to have a panic attack and did everything wrong. She failed the test immediately. When we came back in he supposedly renewed her permit.

 

Since dd was 18 in July and she needed an ID to fly we went back to the DMV to get her an ID. At that time I showed the clerk her driving permit. Apparently it was useless. The original clerk didn't know what he was doing. This clerk stopped short of calling the guy a stupid jerk. Actually she said this under her breath but we could hear her. She said that he didn't know what he was doing. This was the guy that dd had to take her test with back in June. DD confessed to me then the way he treated her during the test (yelling at her etc.).

 

99% of the time my dd does great driving. She makes an occasional mistake that makes me hold my breath but she really is doing well most of the time. Yesterday we drove out to a different driver's license facility so that she could drive around the streets, etc. She did great the whole way there but as soon as she got into the parking lot she froze up and started to panic. We went back on the road and she started to make mistakes.

 

We pulled over to talk and she said that as soon as she saw the driver's license place she started to have a panic attack and felt the same way she did on the day she took her test.

 

I don't know what to do. She is embarrassed that she doesn't have her driver's license yet, especially since she is the only person her age she knows who doesn't have one. One of her closest friends is 18 months younger than she is and got her license the week she turned 16. DD is also going to a community college 10 minutes away from her. Right now I drive her to and from classes. Fortunately she has all of her classes in a row so I just have to drop her off and pick her up 3 hours later. She is embarrassed by having her mom drive. There are other times she really wished she had her license (meeting up with friends, shopping, etc.) On one hand I'll admit it would be nice if she had her license and was really hoping she would get it before she started college. On the other hand, her safety is the most important. I also don't know how to get her past these panic attacks.

[Annie G]

No helpful ideas, but I did want to say that I could have written this post. DD turned 18 in July- has struggled to get enough confidence to learn to drive. Her permit expired in May so she's back at square one, which is me driving her to college.

The girls will eventually get there- but oh, is it hard to see them go through this!

 

Btw, my dd wants to teach, too-she wants to go to Asia and teach English.

Wish we lived near each other- sounds like the girls might like to meet someone who struggles with driving.

[TravelingChris]

I think this is a serious problem. I would take her to a doctor and get a medication for her panic attacks that would be okay with driving. My dd would get panic attacks before he period and she was put on Lexapro and no more problems. Then I would try at another place.

[Carrie12345]

I'd definitely have the panic issues addressed. Driving can be stressful, unpredictable, and sometimes downright scary, and she needs to be able to handle that if she's going to be on the road.

 

As far as driver's ed goes, my instructor had me right on the road on day 1. I had only driven (illegally) in empty parking lots before that, and thank goodness I had!!!!

[gingersmom]

I don't think its a big deal that she doesn't drive at 18.

 

I absolutely did not want to get my license at 16 (I was living in Connecticut). So my mother finally forced me at 17 to get it so she did not have to drive me everywhere (we lived in the middle of nowhere).

 

I was the worst driver ever. I lost track of how many cars, telephone poles, mailboxes I backed into. I had several minor fender benders.

 

My 13 year old has no interest in driving at 17. I told her I would prefer if she waited till she was a junior in college or after she graduated. I would gladly drive her wherever she needed to go.

 

I think maturity plays a big role. Its a huge responsibility to get behind a car and deal with all the other cars on the road.

 

I personally would back off and let your daughter just practice with you and wait 6 months or so and let her get her confidence back.

[Critter]

We have a similiar situation with our seventeen year old daughter. She was reluctant to drive after getting her permit. After having held it for a couple months she had only accumulated 2 1/2 hours of driving time. One of our favorite neighbors strongly encouraged her to get behind the wheel and drive her brother to football practice. "You won't have a wreck or anything. It will be fine." Ten minutes after dropping ds off at practice we were sitting by the side of the road in a totalled car, the victims of a hit and run driver, waiting for the state patrol to come so I could give the license number of the truck that plowed into us. A year later she is only half way to the number of hours needed in order to take the test. The wreck really shook her up, and I have to admit that it shook me up too. I can't imagine that we would have been able to get her to drive at all if she had impatient driver's ed instructors. Does she have an aunt, uncle, or good friend that could drive with her and even go with her to the test? That's the only way I was able to pass my test (third time was the charm). Sometimes we make our kids more nervous without realizing it.

[Halcyon]

It sounds like she's getting anxiety/panic particularly around the test itself. I completely relate, having suffered from panic attacks and anxiety, particularly around performance, almost all my life. I highly recommend she talk to a doctor about getting a beta blocker or a anti-anxiety med to take prior to her test. People do this before airplane flights if those cause them anxiety, and taking a major test like a driver's test is a similar situation.

 

I really feel for your daughter--don't let this fear paralyze her.

[duckens]

This was me, although with a lot less support from my parents than you have already given your daughter.

 

I just erased a 6+ paragraph story about it and had a good cry, even though my story is from 25 years ago.

 

It took me two times through drivers' ed and 4-6 attempts at the DOT's driving test to finally get my drivers' license, but I made it.

 

And of all we kids, I am the only one to have not had a major accident (fingers crossed that this luck continues).

Your daughter will make it, too, and she is lucky to have a mom that is as supportive as you are.

 

 

 

 

 

I have a second chance at a parent/child relationship.

[cathmom]

Tell her that my oldest is almost 21 and still doesn't have a license. In Europe they're not even allowed to get them until 18. I think in the US we push driving way too young.

[LibraryLover]

Only my oldest has his DL. My 18 will be getting hers this year, but we weren't in a rush. Insurance is very costly and they have been saving money for education, not cars or car isnusrance at this poiint.

[AK_Mom4]

I think I would just recommend that she wait a year or two and try drivers ed again. If transportation isn't causing a crisis, then I don't think anyone needs the pressure of trying to drive when they aren't ready.

[asta]

I would be more concerned with the *why* behind the panic then the driving itself.

 

Panic doesn't manifest out of nowhere (well, it does, but there is a root). Until the *why* is addressed, all of the practice, soothing, and everything else is just going to be a band-aid. She can't spend the rest of her life with a panic demon on her shoulder every time she gets behind the wheel of a car.

 

 

a

 

(whose son won't have his license until way after 18 because, well, we don't live in the US and frankly, he just doesn't care)

[CAMom]

I would be more concerned with the *why* behind the panic then the driving itself.

 

Panic doesn't manifest out of nowhere (well, it does, but there is a root). Until the *why* is addressed, all of the practice, soothing, and everything else is just going to be a band-aid. She can't spend the rest of her life with a panic demon on her shoulder every time she gets behind the wheel of a car.

 

 

 

 

As someone who developed panic disorder at 39 years old, I agree! Please help her with the panic problem. The more her body gets used to responding to certain situations with panic, the harder it is to deal with.:grouphug:

 

Minus the bad driving instructor and situation around the driving test, I could have written your post about my almost 18yo son. Including me driving him back and forth to the cc this semester. Well, actually, I'm making him do the driving.

 

I did tell him that I don't mind going back and forth with him to the cc but that we really need him to have his license by the time he starts the university as I can't be going with him back and forth there.

 

I feel your pain.:grouphug:

[Starr]

I don't know if she's having panic attacks about other things. If so that's something to deal with. As far as the driver's test anxiety I would continue to have her drive, drive, drive. Also the more she drives in the area of the test the better including the parking lot of the testing center. Start with it closed and then drive in and out of it without stopping for testing. Play tester person and take notes without saying anything and all that. She'll get to the point that she can do it.

[Only me]

Ug! DD came to me this afternoon and asked if we could go drive by the license facility and that if she felt comfortable enough then she would take the test. Since this was the first time she asked to go we went ahead. She did great driving there. We drove around the area several times including turning left into heavy traffic twice. She did terrific.

 

She failed the test again. She didn't seem to have a panic attack but she was nervous. The three things that made her fail: 1) The left turn out of the parking lot is a difficult turn with turn lanes and a lot of traffic. DD inched forward so that she could see better but apparently she was pulled out a little too far. 2) There are a few wide streets that allow for street parking. There were no parked cars but apparently the instructor felt that she should have been driving more towards the center of the street. 3) When approaching an intersection the light turned yellow. She didn't go through but wasn't able to stop behind the line.

 

DD is devastated and I don't know what to tell her. To me it seems that she did a ton better than last time.

[Annie G]

Good for her that she tried! She'll get there!

[Dobela]

Have you considered hiring another driving instructor privately? I would ask around and see if anyone had any better experience with another instructor.

 

I would find ways to give her much more driving experience. Most of my driving experience was in parking lots and down country roads that were not too busy. The more comfortable she is in the car before she arrives, the better she will do.

[elegantlion]

Ug! DD came to me this afternoon and asked if we could go drive by the license facility and that if she felt comfortable enough then she would take the test. Since this was the first time she asked to go we went ahead. She did great driving there. We drove around the area several times including turning left into heavy traffic twice. She did terrific.

 

She failed the test again. She didn't seem to have a panic attack but she was nervous. The three things that made her fail: 1) The left turn out of the parking lot is a difficult turn with turn lanes and a lot of traffic. DD inched forward so that she could see better but apparently she was pulled out a little too far. 2) There are a few wide streets that allow for street parking. There were no parked cars but apparently the instructor felt that she should have been driving more towards the center of the street. 3) When approaching an intersection the light turned yellow. She didn't go through but wasn't able to stop behind the line.

 

DD is devastated and I don't know what to tell her. To me it seems that she did a ton better than last time.

 

Have you considered hiring another driving instructor privately? I would ask around and see if anyone had any better experience with another instructor.

 

I would find ways to give her much more driving experience. Most of my driving experience was in parking lots and down country roads that were not too busy. The more comfortable she is in the car before she arrives, the better she will do.

 

 

:iagree: Personally if my child is that nervous behind the wheel, I don't want them to get a license. Cars are dangerous, driving is serious business, which you obviously know. But if they are prone to a panic attack while driving I'd be worried every time they left.

 

We didn't have driver's ed at school, so we took it through a private instructor. Guess who took it with me, my mother. Yup, she was in her mid 40s and didn't drive. She still doesn't drive much, my dad loves to drive her everywhere.

 

Today sounds better, you got a real critique on what she needs to work on. Sounds like she needs to be more comfortable behind the wheel. With a driving instructor they have the specially equipped cars, it made me feel more comfortable.

 

twenty years from now it won't matter if she got her license at 18 or 21. But it can make a big difference if she never gets truly comfortable behind the wheel.

[Miss Sherry]

She is not alone in not getting her license until 18 or older. I think if possible she should go go a different motor vehicles location to get it so she doesn't end up with the same person who tested her before. He sounds awful.

Also, I would be sure to instruct her that when driving she needs to pull off of the road and stop if she ever feels she is starting to have a panic attack or just over whelmed in general.

Are panic attacks something that are rare with her ? If they are common at all, then perhaps they need to be addressed before she gets her license.

[curlygirlzx2]

My oldest dd turned 18 in December and just got her license in July. I really wanted her to take private instructions but a friend of hers took her driving regularly. She had to take her driving test twice and did much better the second time. I think she was too nervous the first time and was more confident going in the second time because she knew what to expect. The funny thing is she still doesn't have a car and has to take the bus everwhere since she recently moved out. She can't afford rent, college, and all of the things that come with car ownership so she chose the first two. I would have chosen a car but she likes living on her own.

[Hannah C.]

I am married, 21, and got my license on Wednesday. Why? Lack of opportunity to drive legally, driving scares me, and my husband and I only had one vehicle.

 

I got the maximum amount of deductions you can get and still pass the test. What did I get deducted on? I didn't signal when I went to parallel park. Who actually signals when they parallel park? The person was also rather picky on turns etc. I'm not entirely sure why I got all the deductions I did, and could easily have failed considering how many I got - yet I wasn't driving badly when I took the test!! :grouphug: to your DD.

[Gwenhwyfar]

It sounds a bit to me like her anxiety isn't so much with driving (people have spoken about anxious drivers being dangerous, etc) but maybe with the actual driving exam process itself... ?

 

If it is, I can certainly understand. I have big anxiety issues with "performing" - doing something in front of someone, in a situation where they're judging me in some way... (and sometimes not even when they really are - but when I FEEL like they are) .... and as it happens, I didn't get my license until my late twenties mainly because of this --- and I'm lucky, because I screwed up several times during the test and the tester could have failed me. He didn't - he actually said that he could tell how nervous I was, asked me if I knew what my mistakes had been (I did), and said he would "take a chance" on me.

 

I knew how to drive - I just had a very difficult time being "watched". (I was so nervous, I actually tried to start the car three times.. after it was running!)

 

I drive just fine ~ but even now, if a friend wants a lift somewhere, I'll often give them my keys and let them drive... because it brings up that same "performance" thing a bit.

[Alyce]

Both my kids didn't want to get their driver's license when the other kids did. My dd got hers on her 18th birthday but didn't really drive for another year. We made her go to college without a car because she was so reluctant to drive. She realized how important a driver's license was as so finally began making an effort. Ds was the same way until he got a job this summer (He'll be 18 in Nov). He actually had 2 jobs and there was no way I was going to drive him back and forth so the requirement was if he wanted the jobs he had to get his license which he finally did and is doing great now. He had an instructor like you described and he was never taught somethings at all, like parking. What helped us was that instead of going to the driver's license place in the area we lived in, we looked for one in a smaller area. We found one in a small town not far from us. What I have found out over the years is that the place itself makes a difference. I have found that the smaller the place the more pleasant the examiners are especially if they are in a small town. We had to drive 20 mins to get to this place but it was worth it. DD failed the first exam. I could tell from the examiners expression she would. After the test I found out this examiner was not the normal ones because they were doing continuing education. I told her not to sweat it and we returned in 2 weeks. By then the regulars were back and the examiner made my daughter so much more at ease. She needed this because she was taking her exam with a van! The point that the previous examiner had fussed about was she went over the curb when it was time to do the 3-point turn. Well I thought that was petty and I'm also thinking, who can do a turn in a van like that without going over the curb. So Dh worked with her. When she went back she was able to do it perfectly. Her examiner was shocked. He said he'd never been able to see someone do a 3 point turn that good in a van. I realized through all these experiences that the place you do the test at is just as important as who is doing the testing. I can't tell you the horror stories I heard about the license bureau that's near us. If she got nervous at this one, try finding another one for her to go to. It might be a much better experience than she's been having.

[Renee in NC]

Have you considered hiring another driving instructor privately? I would ask around and see if anyone had any better experience with another instructor.

 

I would find ways to give her much more driving experience. Most of my driving experience was in parking lots and down country roads that were not too busy. The more comfortable she is in the car before she arrives, the better she will do.

 

:iagree:

 

My ds had WAY more than 50 hours experience when he finally got his license. We were not there, but my father had him drive everywhere and his girlfriend's parents had him drive for them as well. Everyone involved made sure he got plenty of experience in a variety of places and situations.

 

She just needs more experience. The things that caused her to fail are things that will go away when she is comfortable with the driving.