How would you answer this?

[Rosie_0801]

Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously people have very different views of the whole situation, and I can see that perhaps I am being negative about this. However it was reassuring to read of at least one person who also thought the email-would-you-like-to-come-to-my-house approach was not the usual way of making friends.

 

I don't think it is the usual way of making friends, but I tend to overlook social faux pas like that when dealing with people from other cultures. Most people set out to use their manners and since Mrs Emailwriter was sending a friendship request, she's going to have been as polite as she possibly could. After all, who sends rude or weird friendship requests deliberately?

 

I'd email back saying something like:

 

Hi Mrs Emailwriter! (Um, it is your wife I'm to meet, yes?)

 

How lucky it is that I received your email this morning! I'm such a homebody and while I like it that way, I have been thinking recently that I really ought to get out more. Now you have provided motivation :) I would feel a bit weird coming to your house, considering we've never met, but how about we meet at the park? The kids can do their thing, and we can sit and not worry about anyone breaking your valuables :)

 

How about Thursday after lunch? Say, 2pm?

 

Hope to see you soon!

 

The email came from the DAD? :eek:

 

Ok, now that's kind of creepy.

 

I was under the assumption that the mom had sent the email.

 

I think it's very odd that a father would send that kind of note, and although I said before that I wouldn't have gone to the woman's house for a first meeting, I have to admit that now I definitely wouldn't have gone... as far as I'm concerned, if the father signed the email, he was the one inviting you, not the mother.

 

Yikes. :ack2:

 

The part about the email being from the father changes everything for me.

 

Cat

 

It wouldn't change anything for me. It would reinforce that I wouldn't go right to their house (but I like to avoid other people's husbands anyway because I'm weird like that) but I would assume he wrote the email because his English is better. Of course I'm basing that on my experience with immigrant women and their lack of adequate access to English classes, and this would make me attend even if I didn't want to, because I know how isolated these poor women are. Mind you, I have a bee in my bonnet about this and related topics. The chances of the husband attending in place of the wife is very, very low.

 

Rosie

[dangermom]

:iagree:

 

I also totally don't get why it would be "creepy" for the father to have written the letter? :confused: Maybe he's the one who homeschools, or maybe his English is better than the mom's, or maybe the mom is just as shy as the OP. Since their first invitation was ignored, it may have been emotionally difficult for this family risk yet another rejection, especially since they are not white, but they took the chance for the sake of their daughter.

 

Jackie

These are kind of my thoughts. The fact is that as homeschoolers we sometimes have to resort to unorthodox methods to find friends! I'm an introvert too and I do sympathize with that but I'd do the park invitation. At worst it's an uncomfortable hour--at best a great friendship. Edited August 27, 2010 by dangermom

[zaichiki]

I'm an introvert, very nervous of meeting anyone, I am struggling with even the thought of saying that we could meet at all.

 

OP:

Maybe you should incorporate this into your e-mail response -- differently worded perhaps. It's genuine. It lets her know that *she* is not the problem, but you just feel less comfortable being so outgoing with people you don't yet know well. Then, you could mention specific homeschool events you attend and let her know that you'll be there and she might stop by to say hello. Maybe, just maybe, you could feel more comfortable once you've seen her and gotten to know her in small doses over time.

 

Everyone is different. It's not wrong to be an introvert and feel uncomfortable in social situations. Just be honest. I bet she'd appreciate it.

[Corraleno]

Well... let's see... if I were to receive an email from a strange man, whom I had never met, and he invited me to to visit him at his home with my young dds (with no mention of a wife being there, might I add,) so our children could meet each other, I would definitely find that to be creepy, and I suspect my dh would, as well.

 

Would you honestly take a ride over to the home of a man you'd never met, and bring your dds with you, to meet his dd, who may or may not even be there when you arrive? :eek: :eek: :eek: Sorry, but I wouldn't.

 

Had he even mentioned his wife, it might have sounded a bit better, but he didn't, and he certainly didn't invite the OP's husband along for the visit.

 

So, in my book at least, the email ranks pretty high on my Creep-O-Meter. (And I'd originally felt sorry for the person who sent the email, when I thought it was a mom, so I guess you can call me sexist if you'd like.)

LOL, I'm betting it never even occurred to him that he would need to mention he had a wife — the OP and this other family have mutual acquaintances, so he probably assumes she already knows he has a wife. I think it's very likely that his English is better than the mom's and the mom is shy and a bit isolated. I imagine that being a non-white immigrant in a part of the UK that's 90% white (and not one of the more, um, racially tolerant areas of the UK) is hard to begin with — being a homeschooler on top of that must be incredibly isolating. And then when they try to reach out to the homeschooling community, the dad is not only perceived as rude but suspected of having "creepy" intentions. Ouch!

 

And yes, if I were still homeschooling in the UK, I would take my kids to meet this family, either at their house or in a park or somewhere else. I'd probably ask the mom to teach me to cook some traditional Indian or Pakistani dishes as well!

 

Jackie

[Catwoman]

Where I live, receiving an email like that (from the father, with no mention of the mom,) would most likely be perceived at potentially predatory behavior. Perhaps things are entirely different in other places.

 

I didn't get the impression that this family was particularly well-known in the homeschooling community; otherwise, wouldn't people know whether they were "Muslim or Hindu?" And just because someone is on a local homeschooling email list doesn't necessarily make that person honest or trustworthy. (They're probably just fine, but I don't think we can assume that no homeschoolers could ever pose any danger to us, just because they're on the local email list.)

 

Additionally, I don't know where we got the idea that this family doesn't speak English. The email was fairly well-written, and although one might not think it was written by a native speaker, it certainly wasn't composed by someone without knowledge of the language. Did the OP mention somewhere that the mother didn't speak English, and that's why her dh had to write the email for her? As far as I could see, there was no mention of the wife anywhere in the email, so I'm not sure why anyone assumes she would have been unable to write and send it on her own. Who knows -- as long as we're making broad assumptions -- maybe this husband is so controlling that he doesn't allow his wife to handle her own correspondence. (Probably not, but if we're just guessing, we'd might as well go really far out there with it! ;) )

 

I asked my dh what he would think if I'd received a similar email, and his first thought was that it was very odd that a man would email a woman he'd never met, out of the blue, and invite her and her dds to his home.

 

I guess you guys are a lot less suspicious than I am, and we'll have to agree to disagree, because I'm still standing by my assessment that the email invitation from the father was creepy.

 

Sorry!

 

Cat

Edited August 27, 2010 by Catwoman

[Rosie_0801]

Additionally, I don't know where we got the idea that this family doesn't speak English. The email was fairly well-written, and although one might not think it was written by a native speaker, it certainly wasn't composed by someone without knowledge of the language. Did the OP mention somewhere that the mother didn't speak English, and that's why her dh had to write the email for her?

 

I'm sure you understand that one's ability to speak English and one's ability to write English are two different things. I'm sure you also understand that one's confidence in one's abilities are not always equally aligned with one's skills.

 

Who has never said to their husband "Uh, you do it, you're better at that than me?"

 

Rosie

[Denisemomof4]

I only read your post and I don't quite understand what the problem is. It's very good for your kids to be exposed to all kinds of people and to accept everyone and have friends of all different types.

 

We were very strict Christians at one time. We were oppressive legalistics. We had friends right down the road who were of a different faith and yet wonderful friends for us. I think that we just accepted each other, respected each other's beliefs, and didn't discuss our beliefs. I also taught my kids THEIR beliefs and compared them to ours.

 

It's healthy to do this.

 

I think it was real nice for this woman to send you an email a second time. They may be a very nice family and you may just be closing the door on a huge blessing. Who knows? This may be an opportunity to witness to them. If not, this could be a wonderful opportunity to show a united front in the face of religious diversity.

 

I also want to gently say that given the information in the first post alone, I think you're being rude.

[Pretty in Pink]

I know I'm a bit late to this conversation, but here's my .02, FWIW.

 

I would not hesitate to respond and indicate that we would like to meet them for a playdate at a local playground or something along those lines. I don't find it creepy that the dad wrote the email.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously people have very different views of the whole situation, and I can see that perhaps I am being negative about this. However it was reassuring to read of at least one person who also thought the email-would-you-like-to-come-to-my-house approach was not the usual way of making friends.

 

 

 

I have sent out those emails before when I was a new homeschooler. Thankfully I was warmly welcomed. I have also received them. The lists are there so you CAN meet others with kids with similar ages.

 

You know, email isn't the normal way of making friends, but it's also not the normal way to meet a husband and yet that's how dh and I met. 23 years, 21 happily married, and 4 kids later, I'd say it was a tremendous success. ;)

[easygoer]

I've read up to page 4...

 

A very similar email, sent by me, is the way I met my now-best-friend. I moved to a town where I knew exactly *no one* and without DD in school, didn't really meet anyone. I mean, I had to fill out emergency contact "who would we call if you got hit by a bus" type forms and literally leave them blank.

 

So I emailed her after joining an internet message board and we both seemed to be posting similar stuff.

 

And now my daughter will grow up with her kids as like-cousins.

 

I don't know about usual, but apparently it is for me.

 

Had she reacted to my reaching out the way you are, I think I would have hoped she'd say something along the lines of "thanks so much for thinking of us and reaching out. I regret that I feel it's best if I decline, for several personal reasons, but I look forward to chatting with you on the forum." That would not have hurt my feelings and would have felt better than no response at all.

[Catwoman]

I'm sure you understand that one's ability to speak English and one's ability to write English are two different things. I'm sure you also understand that one's confidence in one's abilities are not always equally aligned with one's skills.

 

Who has never said to their husband "Uh, you do it, you're better at that than me?"

 

Rosie

 

Yes, I do, but my point was that unless I missed some info from the OP (and I very well might have,) we don't have any real indication that the mother lacks knowledge of the English language, or that there was any definite reason why she couldn't have sent her own email. Sorry if my phrasing was confusing! :)

 

Cat

Edited August 27, 2010 by Catwoman
typos, as usual!

[Denisemomof4]

 

I will put my hands up to this.. I'm an introvert, very nervous of meeting anyone, I am struggling with even the thought of saying that we could meet at all.

 

I opened my mouth and inserted my foot. I hate it when I read the original post and then read the thread and change my mind. That said, I really wish you put the above in your original post!

 

Because you're struggling as an introvert, I don't think I agree with what I said. But I do want to apologize to you.

 

You still may be closing the door on a blessing, but I can't tell an introvert to go out of their comfort zone and meet a complete stranger. I have NO idea what it's like to be an introvert but I am sorry for being rude to you.:grouphug: Can I take my foot out of my mouth now? I don't like this.;)

[Denisemomof4]

I don't think it is the usual way of making friends, but I tend to overlook social faux pas like that when dealing with people from other cultures. Most people set out to use their manners and since Mrs Emailwriter was sending a friendship request, she's going to have been as polite as she possibly could. After all, who sends rude or weird friendship requests deliberately?

 

I'd email back saying something like:

 

Hi Mrs Emailwriter! (Um, it is your wife I'm to meet, yes?)

 

How lucky it is that I received your email this morning! I'm such a homebody and while I like it that way, I have been thinking recently that I really ought to get out more. Now you have provided motivation :) I would feel a bit weird coming to your house, considering we've never met, but how about we meet at the park? The kids can do their thing, and we can sit and not worry about anyone breaking your valuables :)

 

How about Thursday after lunch? Say, 2pm?

 

Hope to see you soon!

 

 

 

Rosie, I want to be like you when I grow up. ;):D

[mama2cntrykids]

...but I like to avoid other people's husbands anyway because I'm weird like that.

 

Rosie

 

Ack...I do that too! *Is* that weird? I don't know, but I've never heard anyone say this before and I've recently (in the last year or two) started noticing that I do this. Hmmm...sorry, got off topic!

[Catwoman]

You still may be closing the door on a blessing, but I can't tell an introvert to go out of their comfort zone and meet a complete stranger. I have NO idea what it's like to be an introvert but I am sorry for being rude to you.:grouphug: Can I take my foot out of my mouth now? I don't like this.;)

 

Join the club, Denise! ;)

 

I felt the same way when I read that the OP is an introvert, and then I found out that the email hadn't come from a woman, but from a man, and my feelings on the entire situation changed. I'd really thought that the email had come from a mom whose dds needed friends.

 

Right now, I'm wearing my flameproof suit and tinfoil hat because I said that I thought it was kind of creepy that the father would have invited the OP and her dds to his home for a first-time meeting. Apparently, many people think the invitation was perfectly acceptable, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. :)

 

Cat

[Hedgehog]

Just to clarify - the family lives in a city where at least 25% of the population are of South Asian origin. The two homeschooling groups they attend (that I know of) reflect this diversity.

 

Denise.. don't worry, I feel bad for not explaining myself properly. I was in a bit of a state when I wrote the first post.. note to self.. calm down before typing!

 

I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone for their contributions, it's helped a great deal in formulating a response.

[Parrothead]

For what it is worth, I"m wondering if the email sent from the gentleman was meant to be received by the OP's husband.

 

Was this email sent from a household account to another household account? Or to your personal email? Would the sender know without a doubt it was your personal email?

 

If this family is from a different culture, could it be a cultural thing that the man of the house initiates contact with potential friends?

 

As for the rest, no I don't think it is an odd way of initiating contact. Like others I would suggest a meeting at the local park. Quite probably on dh's day off so he could come too.

[Catwoman]

I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone for their contributions, it's helped a great deal in formulating a response.

 

What did you decide to do?

 

Cat

 

PS. And I have to ask you, because you're the one who received the email -- did it concern you that the email came from the father and didn't mention the mom, or is that sort of thing common where you live?

[Catwoman]

For what it is worth, I"m wondering if the email sent from the gentleman was meant to be received by the OP's husband.

 

 

If this family is from a different culture, could it be a cultural thing that the man of the house initiates contact with potential friends?

 

That's a good point, and if that's the case, it would go a long way toward removing the Creepy Factor that I've been feeling about the whole thing. If it's a cultural norm, it would be an entirely different situation.

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

What did you decide to do?

 

Cat

 

PS. And I have to ask you, because you're the one who received the email -- did it concern you that the email came from the father and didn't mention the mom, or is that sort of thing common where you live?

 

:lol::lol::lol: You're funny.

 

I didn't realize that the email came from the father, either. I don't think I'd feel comfortable going to a house of a stranger for the first meeting, but I most definitely wouldn't do so if it were a man.

 

I wouldn't judge anyone that would, but that is out of this extrovert's comfort zone. I also don't think dh would support me going either.

[funschooler5]

I have sent and received a few emails like this over the years. I don't think it's an unusual thing to do. As an introvert, I actually find it easier for me to communicate this way. It's a lot easier than going up to some random person in the park and saying "You look like a homeschooler...will you be my friend?" Two people I met through email are still close friends. The others we didn't really "mesh" with, but we still had some fun outings.

 

Maybe others have very active homeschool groups, or meet friends through church. We don't go to church, and our local homeschool group meets very sporadically. It's easy for us to feel isolated. Now, I just find public school activities for my kids to be involved in.

[Gwenhwyfar]

 

If this family is from a different culture, could it be a cultural thing that the man of the house initiates contact with potential friends?

 

 

 

Thank you! I've been looking at this thread and trying to find the 'right' way to phrase that without offending anyone (which can be really freakin hard to do these days lol) and nothing was sounding right in my head until you came along and worded it like that. :D

[In2why]

This isn't the first time I have received such an email from this person, but previously I ignored the request :001_unsure: I am at a loss as to how to respond. Everything I try out sounds rude. Here's the email:

 

"Hi,

 

Hope you are well. I find you from the WYHEC contact list. [This is a yahoo support group for local homeschoolers.]

 

I hope your home educating is going well.

 

I have been looking for anyone with children within the same age range and hobbies as mine.

 

I have a girl aged 8, who would love to meet your girls. I believe yours are aged 9 and 7, or maybe they are now 10 and 8 as the list I have was printed last year in October.

 

I don't know about your children, but my girl doesnt have much friends they same age, and therefore I am looking to find someone who can be her friend and socialise with her at our house.

 

You are welcome to pop down with your kids anytime. We live in -X-, and I see you are just in -Y-. My daughters hobbies include, reading, drawing, painting now and again, playing Nintendo-DS, talking loads like yours.

 

Would love to hear from you.

 

Take care."

 

A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them. As a personal choice, we are also not keen for our kids to spend much time on the computer or watch movies.

 

Here in the UK, I believe that most people wouldn't find it acceptable to just go round to someone's house that they'd never met. Normally, you meet other homeschooling families at activity days or clubs, and friendship might or might not progress from there. I'd need to know the parents pretty well first before I visited the family at home.

 

So please help me formulate some kind of reply that gently but firmly says no thanks. I am so stumped.

 

Based on what you shared your reply should probably go somethng like this.....

 

We will not be able to meet you unless it is at a sanctioned homeschool event. We are strict Christians and I don't like spending much time with people who are not. It isn't a reflection on you in any way.

In Christ

"your name"

[Jenn in Mo]

his letter said: "My daughters hobbies include, reading, drawing, painting now and again, playing Nintendo-DS, talking loads like yours." Like yours? What does that mean? does his daughter know your daughters? I didn't catch those words in the first read.

 

 

And then you said: "A bit of background information.. we are fairly strict Christians, and I know from someone else who knows the family that they are either Muslim or Hindu. I don't have a problem with other people believing different to me, but I might not choose to spend a lot of time with them." I understand that you don't want to fall into the lines of "unequally yoked" in a friendship, and that this isn't meant to be elitist in any way; However, it is a singular play date and not a commitment for anything more. They are not required to become best friends or even meet any more afterwards. If you aren't comfortable with it, that is your prerogative and nothing wrong with that!

 

But to the poster who said that a proper response is to email back and say that we're Christians and we don't spend time with non-Christians...please, please don't do that. It is completely unnecessary to ostracize someone, insult them, and give Christianity a bad name. Christ's intimate friends shared His beliefs, but He spent PLENTY of time with people who did NOT. He also commanded us to go and share our faith with those who don't have our faith...again, requiring time with them and love for them.

[Impish]

I met my best friend, SpecialMama via an online group for our area. I met another great lady in the same way, meeting up at a park for a playdate for our kids.

 

Meet up at a park near you.

[smrtmama]

Wow. That's a really, really unhealthy opinion to model for your children, imo. You can see from my sig what our faith is, and I have some seriously problems with the theology of some fundamentalist Christians, but I would never dream of forbidding my dd to hang out with someone because of their religion. Though, at this age, it's really the parent's religion. Most children couldn't care less about theological debates.

 

Also, you might want to find out from the family what their beliefs are, if it's really that big of a deal. Getting it thirdhand might not be reliable, and people tend to make assumptions based on things like skin color. If they think the people are either Muslim or Hindu, then they don't know, because the two are completely unrelated. They probably just took a wild guess based on physical appearance.

 

:iagree:

[jazzyfizzle]

I have sent and received a few emails like this over the years. I don't think it's an unusual thing to do. As an introvert, I actually find it easier for me to communicate this way. It's a lot easier than going up to some random person in the park and saying "You look like a homeschooler...will you be my friend?" Two people I met through email are still close friends. The others we didn't really "mesh" with, but we still had some fun outings.

 

Maybe others have very active homeschool groups, or meet friends through church. We don't go to church, and our local homeschool group meets very sporadically. It's easy for us to feel isolated. Now, I just find public school activities for my kids to be involved in.

 

 

:iagree: I am most definitely an introvert. We live in a rural area with few homeschoolers, I have done this. It would have never occurred to me that someone would find it 'creepy'. I can breathe easy that the messages I sent received a response!

[Hedgehog]

Like yours? What does that mean? does his daughter know your daughters?

 

No, he doesn't know my family at all, unless by report from someone in his homeschool group who knows me.. but.. we have not seen any of those people for some years because we moved away from the area and don't attend the same homeschool groups any more.

 

I understand that you don't want to fall into the lines of "unequally yoked" in a friendship, and that this isn't meant to be elitist in any way

 

Thank you so much. I was rather sad that people had misunderstood this. I am trying to make the best choices for my family under the current circumstances. I'd spend all day on this board if I tried to explain everything that's going on for us right now, which lead me towards thinking that I could not offer this family our friendship at the present time. Please, ladies, don't judge me for my choices and my inability to explain things properly.

 

However, it is a singular play date and not a commitment for anything more. They are not required to become best friends or even meet any more afterwards. If you aren't comfortable with it, that is your prerogative and nothing wrong with that!

 

That's very true. But is it fair to this family to have one - two - three - playdates and then move away, when the dad seems to want a proper friend for his daughter?

 

but I would never dream of forbidding my dd to hang out with someone because of their religion.

 

If you'd read all my posts, you'd know that I don't forbid my children to hang out with anyone either.

[jazzyfizzle]

Based on what you shared your reply should probably go somethng like this.....

 

We will not be able to meet you unless it is at a sanctioned homeschool event. We are strict Christians and I don't like spending much time with people who are not. It isn't a reflection on you in any way.

In Christ

"your name"

 

 

 

:eek::eek::ohmy: yikes

[Denisemomof4]

Based on what you shared your reply should probably go somethng like this.....

 

We will not be able to meet you unless it is at a sanctioned homeschool event. We are strict Christians and I don't like spending much time with people who are not. It isn't a reflection on you in any way.

In Christ

"your name"

 

IF you do decide to write something like this, please don't sign it "In Christ" because this is very UNChrist-like.

 

OP - this really isn't directed at you.

[Jenn in Mo]

That's very true. But is it fair to this family to have one - two - three - playdates and then move away, when the dad seems to want a proper friend for his daughter?

 

 

I think it is. Kids don't seem to have the hang-ups us grown-ups have. They can go have a blast with a new person and it's healthy and it's fun. They don't have to talk every day and maintain deep bonds of friendship to enjoy each other's company for whatever moment they have it. Also, one or two playdates might help his daughter feel more comfortable joining into homeschool group activities, since she'll know at least one family there. This could lead to more introductions and friendships with other families for her and your daughters were just the gateway.

 

I know several homeschooling families that have kids too afraid of people to even attend homeschool group meetings. I think it's healthy for them to get out of their comfort zone but it is definitely easier when they know someone there to help ease them in.

 

I've been through seasons where I wanted someone to minister to MY needs - I didn't have time to minister to someone else for crying out loud ;) but then there was always a mom who needed to talk.... ultimately I was blessed every time that I reached out to minister to them. God ministered to me through them. I haven't always taken the time to respond. We're always so busy but I know that's not right. Which reminds me...I need to make a phone call. :tongue_smilie:

[Catwoman]

:iagree: I am most definitely an introvert. We live in a rural area with few homeschoolers, I have done this. It would have never occurred to me that someone would find it 'creepy'. I can breathe easy that the messages I sent received a response!

 

I don't know if you were referring to my posts, where I said I found it creepy that the email had come from a man and not a woman, but in case you didn't read the entire thread, I thought I should clarify.

 

I originally was very sympathetic toward the "mom" who'd sent the email, but then I found out that the email had come from the father, with no mention of the mother, and he invited the OP and her dds (whom he had never met, and who knew virtually nothing about him or his family) to his home (not to a public place like a park or a homeschool event) for their very first meeting.

 

And I said I found that to be kind of creepy.

 

Homeschooler or not, this is still a strange man inviting a woman and her young dds to his home in another town.

 

I have been criticized for my position, but I'm standing by it, anyway.

 

But... I have nothing at all against the idea of a mom sending an email to some of the members of a local homeschool group, asking about upcoming events or the possibility of meeting at a park (or museum, or a casual restaurant) to see if the kids hit it off. I was uncomfortable with the fact that this man was inviting a woman and her dds into his home for a first meeting, and nothing beyond that.

 

Cat

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Wow. I have never heard of the term "unequally yoked in friendship". It makes it a lot more clear why non-christians are treated like such pariahs in the local CHRISTIAN homeschooling group. :glare:

[Guest CarolineUK]

Hi Hedgehog, I've come to this discussion a bit too late to add anything new, but just to say 'Hi!', we're from just over the border in North Yorks. We have four very loud, very lively young boys, and a big bouncy Bernese Mountain dog, and we're on our way to knock on your door now :D.

 

Only joking ;). I'm also a fairly introverted homebody, in fact I can't even be bothered to join the local homeschooling groups.

 

Nice to say hello to someone not so far away.

[Hedgehog]

We will not be able to meet you unless it is at a sanctioned homeschool event. We are strict Christians and I don't like spending much time with people who are not. It isn't a reflection on you in any way.

In Christ

"your name"

IF you do decide to write something like this, please don't sign it "In Christ" because this is very UNChrist-like.

 

OP - this really isn't directed at you.

 

I know, and thanks. I guess the lady who posted this had a different perspective on what I wrote, and I won't be responding to the dad like this. I originally created this post with the hope that someone would be able to help me word a pleasant refusal because I was finding it difficult, and it has been useful to hear some different views and broaden my perspective on the whole thing.

 

I think it is. Kids don't seem to have the hang-ups us grown-ups have. They can go have a blast with a new person and it's healthy and it's fun. They don't have to talk every day and maintain deep bonds of friendship to enjoy each other's company for whatever moment they have it.

 

That's a good point, Jenn.

 

Also, one or two playdates might help his daughter feel more comfortable joining into homeschool group activities, since she'll know at least one family there. This could lead to more introductions and friendships with other families for her and your daughters were just the gateway.

 

That would be true if he was interested to join the homeschool groups I sometimes go to but they live in a city 45mins - 1hrs drive away from us so I am not sure. Our attendance to our the groups in our town has become more and more sporadic of late as I have gotten busier with sorting and packing things for storage so I'm not sure how much help we would be to them. But it may well be worth asking whether the dad is interested to attend my local group.

 

Wow. I have never heard of the term "unequally yoked in friendship". It makes it a lot more clear why non-christians are treated like such pariahs in the local CHRISTIAN homeschooling group.

 

It's from 2 Corinthians 6. For me it's simply a recognition that Christians and non-Christians think differently about some aspects of life, so if you want encouragement in your own faith you'll most likely find that with someone who agrees with you. I am really sorry that non-Christians are treated like pariahs in your local Christian HS group but it's probably better to discuss it with them?

[Catwoman]

I know this thread is getting long and unwieldy, but I was just thinking that perhaps we've gotten so mired in the race/religion/father vs mother things, that we may have missed the point behind Hedgehog's original and subsequent posts.

 

Stripping away the other details, she said that she'd received an email from another homeschooler, about whose family she had only vague information. This person invited her and her dds to his home to meet his dd, because his dd needed some new friends.

 

As a very introverted person, Hedgehog felt very uncomfortable with this idea, and wanted to find a polite way to decline the invitation, so she asked us for our advice.

 

And then many of us (myself included :blushing:) went off on tangents about small details, instead of helping her figure out what to say to the person who had sent her the email.

 

Realistically, she's not obligated to meet with anyone she doesn't want to meet, whatever the reason, but it sounds to me like she's shy and just doesn't feel comfortable about meeting strangers who email her an invitation to their home in another town.

 

I don't think that makes her a horrible person -- whatever her reasons may be for not wanting to meet with the other family. (And I should add that I don't think she has any sinister motivation for not wanting to meet them.) I think her whole situation has been blown out of proportion and she has been criticized too much. Maybe she could have phrased her original post more gracefully, but I think she has clarified herself in her subsequent posts.

 

Brushing aside all of the ancillary issues, I think she should simply politely decline the invitation by saying that she's too busy right now, but hopes that she will meet the family at an upcoming homeschool group event.

 

Cat

[Parrothead]

Wow. I have never heard of the term "unequally yoked in friendship". It makes it a lot more clear why non-christians are treated like such pariahs in the local CHRISTIAN homeschooling group. :glare:

It isn't just not-Christians, one must be the "right" kind of Christian.

[Melinda in VT]

Why do you think it was the dad who wrote the email?

 

I've had several experiences of assuming an Indian was one sex or the other based on the name, only to later learn that I had assumed incorrectly. Is it possible that's what's happened here?

[jazzyfizzle]

Hi Cat, didn't mean to be referring to your post, I just meant that I didn't think about my emails being taken in general as potentially creepy. I felt a bit intimidated sending them (normal for me), and thought they might just be ignored (such as OP has done), but didn't think of them the other way. Sorry if I offended, did not intend to.

:grouphug:

[Hedgehog]

I think it would have really helped if you included all the new info in your original post. There was no mention of it being a dad, or how introverted you are, or that you may be moving. Your post simply stated things about religion.

Posts that follow this course always make me a bit leery.

 

I've actually only just discovered that you can edit your posts. Sorry about that.

 

I think it's no big deal, and to ignore it would simply be impolite. Why not say, " Let's introduce ourselves at the next homeschool get together." BTW, does this group even have get togethers, or is it strictly online. Is there no one else on the list who could vouch for the family? That seems easy enough.

 

The online group covers the whole county. Within that, there are actual homeschool groups that meet up regularly for socialising or specific activities. This particular family attends two homeschool groups in their city, and I sometimes attend a group in my town. The city is 45mins-1hrs drive away from me. I have emailed the leader of one of the city groups, but all she said was that she saw the family occasionally with either dad or mom but she hadn't actually had any proper conversation with either of them. It's a big group and they meet for specific educational and sporting activities, as far as I know.

[just Jenny]

Hi Hedgehog,

 

You asked what we would do.

 

1. I would try not to speculate about this man-because no one knows his intentions except him.

 

2. I would not go to a stranger's house. I would not encourage my children to do this either.

 

3. If I responded, I would probably try to pass the ball to his wife. Even saying, "I would feel more comfortable communicating with your wife."

 

If he is a respectable man, he will respect that you have done this.

 

I try to maintain a respectful distance with men, and especially with foreign men. Not because they are bad or anything-just because I have seen how something that means one thing in one culture can mean a totally different thing in another.

 

In the countries where I lived, a man doing this kind of thing might actually be asking you out on a date-because it would be so out of context for a married man to enter into contact with a married woman and propose something like this.

 

Best,

 

Jenny

[Cindyg]

I don't find it creepy that the dad wrote the email.

 

Me either.

 

"Our" reaction to the writer being a dad bothers me. Do we agree that the average homeschool father isn't a creep or a predator?

 

For me, meeting up with the dad would be *awkward*. I'd have less in common with him. I would not expect that we would strike up a friendship, though we certainly might. I would not want to be in the house or car alone with him -- not because I would assume I would be in danger but to avoid what the Bible calls "the appearance of evil."

 

But I do not assume that the average guy is creepy or a predator.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

 

 

 

It's from 2 Corinthians 6. For me it's simply a recognition that Christians and non-Christians think differently about some aspects of life, so if you want encouragement in your own faith you'll most likely find that with someone who agrees with you. I am really sorry that non-Christians are treated like pariahs in your local Christian HS group but it's probably better to discuss it with them?

 

Yeah, I tried to "discuss it with them" and all I got was "well, we shouldn't have to apologize for being christian" completely ignoring the fact that no one else should have to apologize for being anything else! I know what verse that comes from, I have just never ever heard of people rejecting a potential friend due to lack of christian belief and I was raised in the church!

[Catwoman]

Hi Cat, didn't mean to be referring to your post, I just meant that I didn't think about my emails being taken in general as potentially creepy. I felt a bit intimidated sending them (normal for me), and thought they might just be ignored (such as OP has done), but didn't think of them the other way. Sorry if I offended, did not intend to.

:grouphug:

 

No problem at all -- I was worried that I'd offended you!!! :001_smile:

 

Cat

 

PS. I love the beautiful Border Collie in your avatar -- is that your dog?

[Jenn in Mo]

Wow. I have never heard of the term "unequally yoked in friendship". It makes it a lot more clear why non-christians are treated like such pariahs in the local CHRISTIAN homeschooling group. :glare:

 

It is a term from a bible verse and does sound rather "Christian-speak" which I regret now. The term means something non-Christians can relate to just a well though. If you have two oxen pulling different directions, you're going to get a crooked line and exhausted cattle. When a body needs encouragement or council, they need to go to someone who shares their ultimate objective. When you need cheered up, you don't generally call the friend who gripes and leaves you feeling depleted. When you are needing advice on how to handle an argument with your husband, you don't generally call your man-hating friend who will advise you to just leave him. It's a logical concept, but using a term that talks about cows probably wasn't the most logical thing I could have said. :tongue_smilie:

 

As Christians, the term is usually reserved for marriage partners, but as a concept, it fits any relationship. It does NOT mean not to befriend anyone that doesn't share your views. That isn't healthy. And it isn't right. But your intimate friends should be able to help you toward your goal, not be a roadblock. Non-Christian friends ARE capable of leading you toward your best and Christian friends ARE capable of leading you the wrong way. For kids, it's harder to know what the right direction is sometimes. As parents, it's our job to help monitor relationships. This doesn't mean keeping them from any non-Christian exposure, it means helping direct them through non-Christian influence. Influence and exposure are different things. If our kids are old enough to listen to Story of the World, they are old enough to respect the fact that other people have different beliefs without our worrying that they will dance nekkid around a bonfire if they shake hands with someone different. That doesn't mean you want to take your child to the next nekkid bonfire dance. Respect, yes. Exposure, yes. An awareness that the faith is different than ours, yes. Influence, no.

 

It isn't just not-Christians, one must be the "right" kind of Christian.

 

I don't know what that means.

[Hedgehog]

Hi Hedgehog,

 

You asked what we would do.

 

1. I would try not to speculate about this man-because no one knows his intentions except him.

 

2. I would not go to a stranger's house. I would not encourage my children to do this either.

 

3. If I responded, I would probably try to pass the ball to his wife. Even saying, "I would feel more comfortable communicating with your wife."

 

If he is a respectable man, he will respect that you have done this.

 

I try to maintain a respectful distance with men, and especially with foreign men. Not because they are bad or anything-just because I have seen how something that means one thing in one culture can mean a totally different thing in another.

 

In the countries where I lived, a man doing this kind of thing might actually be asking you out on a date-because it would be so out of context for a married man to enter into contact with a married woman and propose something like this.

 

Best,

 

Jenny

 

Thanks Jenny. It's really helpful to have your perspective. I also try to maintain a respectful distance with other men, because my dh has asked me to. Culture is a funny thing and yes, one thing for me might mean a totally different thing for this dad who sent the email. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be construed as asking me out on a date! That is a little scary!

 

For me, meeting up with the dad would be *awkward*. I'd have less in common with him. I would not expect that we would strike up a friendship, though we certainly might. I would not want to be in the house or car alone with him -- not because I would assume I would be in danger but to avoid what the Bible calls "the appearance of evil."

 

Yes, I agree. I think this is my dh's objection to me being alone with other men.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I get that the OP asked "how do I word this response?" but based on what was said in the OP it IS reasonable for people who responded to call OP out on the whole "but people have said that the family is Muslim or Hindu". I mean, would people really say, "oh, it's ok if you are uncomfortable, just say so" if an OP said,"the family is 'insert other race'/disabled/mentally challenged and I'm not comfortable with that"???

 

No way! :glare:

 

I DO understand the whole "grow in your faith with like-minded people" thing, but not EVERY friendship serves the same purpose! Does every single one of your friendships have to be about the fact that you have the same religion? Or could some friendships just be able getting your kids together?

[Jenn in Mo]

 

That would be true if he was interested to join the homeschool groups I sometimes go to but they live in a city 45mins - 1hrs drive away from us so I am not sure.

 

 

That's...weird. Okay, but weird. And I would say sorry, but no. 45 minute drive to a stranger's house? Who has the time or gas money?

[Hedgehog]

I get that the OP asked "how do I word this response?" but based on what was said in the OP it IS reasonable for people who responded to call OP out on the whole "but people have said that the family is Muslim or Hindu". I mean, would people really say, "oh, it's ok if you are uncomfortable, just say so" if an OP said,"the family is 'insert other race'/disabled/mentally challenged and I'm not comfortable with that"???

 

No way! :glare:

 

I DO understand the whole "grow in your faith with like-minded people" thing, but not EVERY friendship serves the same purpose! Does every single one of your friendships have to be about the fact that you have the same religion? Or could some friendships just be able getting your kids together?

 

No, my friendships are by no means all about my faith. As I said in another post, my children play out most fine days with the children who live on our street. Not one of them goes to our church, and there's a fair mix of religion/life beliefs and skin color. We occasionally attend a homeschool group in our town which again is made up of a diverse group of people and we get along with them all.

 

And no, it doesn't matter whether someone has a disability etc. My nephew has uncontrolled epilepsy (it doesn't respond to any drugs) and I have no problem being with him/taking care of him/etc.

 

My concern in this instance is that because of the difference in culture, I may not be reading this dad's intentions right. I'm honestly not sure what he means, although I think it's most likely that he is genuine and looking for a good friend for his daughter. I do know that it's the dad because when I mentioned the name to the city group leader, she confirmed that it was the dad of this family.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I get the possibility of a cultural misunderstanding. Could you say, "I'm more comfortable communicating with your wife"? I would do that.

 

RE: the "wrong kind of Christian" thing. Yes, that is a BIG thing around here. Only evangelical christianity is "right", so Catholics, Lutherans and any other "undesirables" are quickly pushed to the edges.

 

It's really sad.

 

And, again....I understand what unequally yoked means, but I do not in any way think it applies to every single relationship. I understand it. Christians are not my closest friends. I reserve that level of friendship for those I am more "like-minded" with. I get the concept, just don't think thatl everyone has to be "yoked" with me.