I'm so tired of being told I'm parenting wrong.

[laurad1125]

OK, so they don't say it in so many words, but that the gist. Examples:

 

"They have to grow up sometime."

"They need time away from you/to learn to manage their own time/deadlines/outside pressures/to learn to deal with people they don't like"

"You don't let them ____________?!?!"

"Surely he's old enough to ______________?!?!"

 

I try not to engage people who probably won't agree with our decisions (read that "everyone we know in real life") but the stuff comes up, KWIM? I use "pass the bean dip" but I get really tired of it.

 

Why can't people just accept that I do things differently than they do and that's OK. We can each lead a life that fits us and our families? I have to do it all the time with people who choose differently than we do. Why can't they respect us?

 

Sigh. I think I'll go find some chocolate.

[Peela]

Is there something in you that is attracting that? Because I never get it.

I dont entertain people's opinions about my parenting. I dont ask for them. This is how I parent, and I dont need anyone's approval or disapproval. Neither does dh. We are friendly, but we don't put out a vibe that says we need you to give us your advice ...even when we struggled with littlies. I *did* however have asupport group of parents who parented like me, and that helped a lot with learning to deal with the critics.

 

Its true when kids are little people sometimes love to give advice. I am sure my parents wanted to admonish me for long term breastfeeding...but I just never gave them the opportunity. I had an aunt who did it, and my mother let me know how innapropriate she thought it was to have kids running in from the sandpit for breast, but she never said a thing to me when I did that with my own kids. But...she is pretty tactful generally, and not interfering.

 

It sounds like you might need to learn how to handle the comments so that they stop. There is a term used "pass the bean dip"....where you basically just change the subject because you don't want to engage with on that topic. People generally learn you are not willing to listen to their judgements.

[Rosie_0801]

Raise your eyebrows and say "of course!" to nearly everything everyone says. It makes them feel slightly silly so they leave you alone.

 

;)

Rosie

[laurad1125]

I think the issue is that I do talk about homeschooling a lot. People ask, "What are you doing tomorrow?" and I tell them. It probably involves school. I'm also one of those people that answers honestly when people ask how I'm doing.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about school or doing things for school. It seems that I can't talk about a huge part of my life with people.

 

Tonight's whine was triggered by conversations with my mom. She doesn't agree with much of anything we do with our kids. So do I just not discuss them with her? That seems like a huge thing to leave out.

 

But maybe that's the choice I have to make. Not discuss my kids and homeschooling or deal with people criticizing my choices.

[Ginevra]

Then stop parenting wrong! :lol:

 

I'm kidding! Totally kidding, couldn't resist!

 

I agree with Peela. You can send out a "not up for debate" vibe. I got a lot of unwanted "advice" when my oldest was very young and I think a lot of it was that I was fretful and acted uncertain about what I was doing. When I hit my mothering stride, most of that went away. I know my SIL's all think homeschooling is somewhere between foolish and insane but only the snottiest one makes the occasional comment anymore. But she's like that with everybody; her opinion on anything is the One Correct Way and she just can't *get* why anyone else does otherwise.

 

Be the duck, as one of our great WTMers has in her siggy. It all rolls off the duck.

[Remudamom]

Tell them all if they don't leave you alone you're going to pass out their phone number to the mama bears on this board.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I noticed that my mom only says negative things when I whine to her about my kids. Once I stopped complaining about the bad days of homeschooling, she quit giving me unwanted advice.

[Ginevra]

Tonight's whine was triggered by conversations with my mom. She doesn't agree with much of anything we do with our kids. So do I just not discuss them with her? That seems like a huge thing to leave out.

 

But maybe that's the choice I have to make. Not discuss my kids and homeschooling or deal with people criticizing my choices.

 

I understand what you're saying. This is probably just my particular style, but I'd have to say I do tailor my conversations with most people according to what subjects I know will be productive. Only my very best friends and my husband don't get that "internal moderator." I never discuss politics with one of my sisters, because we have completely different views. There's no point going down a trail like that unless I'm hoping for an argument, which I'm not. The SIL I spoke about a minute ago rarely hears about anything homeschool-related. If she were to say, "Is your daughter playing a sport this fall?" I would say, "Yes, volleyball," not, "Yes, she's on the homeschool volleyball team at blah, blah, blah..." Now, if she's going to ask more questions, fine, I'll tell her, "Yes, the homeschool co-op has a volleyball team," or whatever minimal information she's asking for, but I'm not going to launch into a speech about how homeschoolers have just as good of a sports opportunity as non-homeschoolers. See?

 

In other words, I don't harp on how much I love homeschooling with people whom I know are not like-minded. I still talk to them. :001_smile: But I'll keep the "personal opinion" element out of it.

[Joanne]

I try not to engage people who probably won't agree with our decisions (read that "everyone we know in real life") but the stuff comes up, KWIM? I use "pass the bean dip" but I get really tired of it.

 

.

 

 

Passing the bean dip isn't about simply changing the subject. It's about 1) setting yourself up for feedback by sharing private decisions and 2) Making it clear, directly, that feedback is not welcome.

 

Let me know if you want the link.

 

If you get this kind of response from a variety of people and settings, maybe you do want to look at your choices and see if it's time to adjust your decisions for your children's developmental stage.

[laurad1125]

I feel better after talking about this with you all. Thank you! :grouphug:

 

I suspect I'm inviting the input far more than I'm aware of. I'm going to give some thought to how I might be doing that in addition to boundaries I might need to set, in my own mind, about not sharing everything with everyone.

 

Joanne - I'd love the link. I searched briefly for it and it didn't jump out at me...

[Joanne]

I feel better after talking about this with you all. Thank you! :grouphug:

 

I suspect I'm inviting the input far more than I'm aware of. I'm going to give some thought to how I might be doing that in addition to boundaries I might need to set, in my own mind, about not sharing everything with everyone.

 

Joanne - I'd love the link. I searched briefly for it and it didn't jump out at me...

 

Bean Dip for homeschoolers

 

 

 

Bean Dip for attachment parents (the original recipe)

[Desert Rat]

Good articles, Joanne. Thanks for linking them. I wish I had your sage advise several years ago, before I became a confident homeschooler!

[Peela]

Tonight's whine was triggered by conversations with my mom. She doesn't agree with much of anything we do with our kids. So do I just not discuss them with her? That seems like a huge thing to leave out.

 

But maybe that's the choice I have to make. Not discuss my kids and homeschooling or deal with people criticizing my choices.

 

I think you can kind of learn an in between way. We tend to want uncondiitonal love and acceptance from our mums....and we frequently never quite get it :)

Yes, I think you do get to a point where you dont discuss things that will trigger advice giving or negativity. Even if that is just about everything. It comes with the territory of living differently, doing things your way. You get very discriminating who you can share it all with. And some friends drop away if there isnt something else to talk about.

Many of us have learned that one of the best places to come and vent about homeschooling and kids is a place like this. Even husbands can be a challenge if they are not 100% on board- you cant then whinge to them about the kids so much because they take it as evidence that you cant cope, or possibly give them a good education. But if you can whinge to dh, that works too. But...no, not to people who are critical of your parenting choices. Unfortunately.

[MtnTeaching]

I think the issue is that I do talk about homeschooling a lot. People ask, "What are you doing tomorrow?" and I tell them. It probably involves school. I'm also one of those people that answers honestly when people ask how I'm doing.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about school or doing things for school. It seems that I can't talk about a huge part of my life with people.

 

I think I understand what you're saying. I haven't fit very well into the local support group and just don't know homeschoolers here that I have anything in common with. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a pioneer on the plains with no neighbors. That's why this board is my refuge - there are people here with the same issues I deal with all day long.

 

My neighbor (with the Master's in Education) makes me nuts every time I talk to her. She is so superior to me and completely disapproves of our decision to homeschool, but makes it a point to ask about it every time. "You have to let them out into the real world sometime" - this from a family who sends their only child to the most expensive, prestigious private middle school in the area. Like that's out into the real world? Last week, she told me flat out that the social aspect of sending my ds to high school next year was more important than the far superior academics my ADHD ds was able to focus on at home with minimal meds.

 

There are times when I wish I just had someone I could invite over, have a coffee with and show all my new curriculum to. Someone who would "ooh and aah" and really be interested. Who would say, "This is going to be an awesome year! I just loved that project when we did it!".

 

Unfortunately, I've learned the hard way in our 4 years of homeschooling, I just need to keep my mouth shut about the things that consume the other 23.5 hours of my day.

 

(I wish you and I lived next door to each other.)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I'm also one of those people that answers honestly when people ask how I'm doing.

 

 

 

I am cautious with whom I commiserate. I think that it opens up the door for people to tell me about how they would "fix" things. So unless I'm actually looking for help or would feel safe having the other person raise their eyebrow and give some constructive criticism, I don't bring up home life struggles with outsiders.

 

I remember reading about wives who had complained about their husbands to family members. Long after the problem was resolved, the extended family still held bad impressions of the husband. I am therefore reluctant to bring outsiders in on these private concerns.

 

Or as Ben Franklin said, "You can keep a secret between three people, as long as two of them are dead."

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think you can answer people honestly without inviting opinion. There are a few things to do, I would guess (btw, so weird as I had a dream earlier this morning where I was defending homeschooling to some college students).

 

First, just be more vague in the first place. People who know you're a SAHM or homeschooling mom get that you're doing housework and school tomorrow. So you can pretty much skip those. How about, "after school, we are going to run and get a gift for Gma."

 

Second, pass the bean dip BEFORE they express their opinions. "Homeschooling, housework, piano practice, baseball game....life; Oh did you see Helen's dress Sunday?"

 

Third, don't get defensive. You may need to come up with a pat answer for this one so you're not just defending every choice. Someone above mentioned "of course!" Agreeing with someone is a pretty good way to handle things.

 

Fourth, be confident. People are a lot less likely to challenge you if you're confident regardless of what you say.

 

And along with that, change YOUR attitude about answering people sometimes. Consider it your public service to give a short answer which may help the world think differently about things. Seriously, with how the average high schooler behaves these days (and I love teens and working in the schools, but there are some SERIOUS and annoying issues!), maybe people need to rethink a problematic way of schooling and/or parenting. You could quietly, one sentence at a time, help the rest of us doing the say to start a revolution that gets things changed. But really, I was thinking more along the lines that if you're groaning inside, you're just not likely to come across as confident.

[Barry Goldwater]

From Ayn Rand's ATLAS SHRUGGED, 1957:

 

'It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.'

[Robin's Song]

From Ayn Rand's ATLAS SHRUGGED, 1957:

 

'It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.'

 

:lol: Of course! ;)

[sagira]

Bean Dip for homeschoolers

 

 

Bean Dip for attachment parents (the original recipe)

 

Thank you, Joanne! I needed those. Being assertive is something I'm still working on. Just a week or so ago, my mom said she thought a child that was almost three-year-old and nursing was wrong. Ridiculous. Especially when the mom (me, of course) was pregnant. She kept going on and on. Sigh.

[laurad1125]

Joanne - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! :D I definitely needed to read that!

[Nestof3]

Peela, we've gotten that before. I've noticed that some people seem really annoyed that we make different choices. I don't believe I've ever given a vibe that says, "We need advice." Homeschooling alone has brought out the critic in people. I have never asked a person if they really believe public school is the best choice for her child, yet people seem perfectly comfortable handing out all sorts of advice to me about education.

 

And yes, this has happened with other things too. It seems some people are happiest if our standards are exactly theirs or less strict. Stricter, and people start getting annoyed. It makes me wonder if perhaps THEY are the insecure ones.

 

Is there something in you that is attracting that? Because I never get it.

I dont entertain people's opinions about my parenting. I dont ask for them. This is how I parent, and I dont need anyone's approval or disapproval. Neither does dh. We are friendly, but we don't put out a vibe that says we need you to give us your advice ...even when we struggled with littlies. I *did* however have asupport group of parents who parented like me, and that helped a lot with learning to deal with the critics.

 

Its true when kids are little people sometimes love to give advice. I am sure my parents wanted to admonish me for long term breastfeeding...but I just never gave them the opportunity. I had an aunt who did it, and my mother let me know how innapropriate she thought it was to have kids running in from the sandpit for breast, but she never said a thing to me when I did that with my own kids. But...she is pretty tactful generally, and not interfering.

 

It sounds like you might need to learn how to handle the comments so that they stop. There is a term used "pass the bean dip"....where you basically just change the subject because you don't want to engage with on that topic. People generally learn you are not willing to listen to their judgements.

[duckens]

There are times when I wish I just had someone I could invite over, have a coffee with and show all my new curriculum to. Someone who would "ooh and aah" and really be interested. Who would say, "This is going to be an awesome year! I just loved that project when we did it!".

 

ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!

 

We'll be over after lunch!!! Will 1pm work for you???

[Mejane]

Don't complain, don't explain. If you don't complain, they can't try to fix you; if you don't explain, they can't contradict you.

[MtnTeaching]

ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!

 

We'll be over after lunch!!! Will 1pm work for you???

 

After lunch? Just come over for lunch!! I'll make chicken salad sandwiches and Peach Iced Tea. The kids can play while we share curriculum and something with chocolate in it for dessert.:001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

Peela, we've gotten that before. I've noticed that some people seem really annoyed that we make different choices. I don't believe I've ever given a vibe that says, "We need advice."

 

Maybe not, but the type of person who puts "Sincerely" in their sig line probably isn't sending "don't mess with me" vibes IRL.

 

;)

Rosie

[G5052]

Some people consider it their "mission" to "straighten out" other people, whether you want it or not. Don't given them an opportunity, and if they start in, politely disengage. I do this all the time, "Thank you for asking, but we're able to handle these things ourselves." or "That decision is really not up for discussion right now."

 

I do have friends that let my hair down to and ask for opinions, but that's because they really are friends. They truly love me and want what's best for me. But they won't step in unless I ask, which also shows me that they are true friends.

[Nestof3]

Back off woman! :angry:

 

(hee hee)

 

Maybe not, but the type of person who puts "Sincerely" in their sig line probably isn't sending "don't mess with me" vibes IRL.

 

;)

Rosie

[LauraGB]

Back off woman! :angry:

 

(hee hee)

 

And ended in:

 

Sincerely,

Dawn

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

But, seriously, some people are just nosey. There's no getting around it. They have absolutely nothing else to do but bug you about stuff. My dad heard from one of my children years ago that we were getting rid of cable and he called me and told me that if I keep them out of school AND don't let them watch cable, that someone, somewhere would come over and send me to jail (I think it was his way of saying he disagreed :-). Seriously. Needless to say, it's all worked out well and dear old dad is considering a Roku himself, so....(where is that chest beating emoticon???). I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes you just can't avoid Those People.

[Miss Sherry]

Is there something in you that is attracting that? Because I never get it.

..........I *did* however have asupport group of parents who parented like me, and that helped a lot with learning to deal with the critics. ............

 

 

Peela, it just seems that you are being a little judgemental of the op's predicament, as if it is her fault, and also contradicting yourself at the same time. Perhaps your wording is just off. You said "Is there something in you that is attracting that? Because I never get it."

If you have never had "critics" than I don't understand why you said "I *did* however have asupport group of parents who parented like me, and that helped a lot with learning to deal with the critics. ............" What critics,if you never had any ? And did you attract them somehow ?

I guess I don't see how it is helpful to the op to imply something is wrong with her "Is there something in you that is attracting that ? " because she is dealing with critics ? Life is just unfair sometimes and it doesn't mean we are "attracting" unfair treatment.

Edited July 27, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Miss Sherry]

..................

Why can't people just accept that I do things differently than they do and that's OK. ..................

 

Sigh. I think I'll go find some chocolate.

It seems that people in general want others to do things the way they have done them because that validates their own decisions. If you do things differently that shows that you think differently than them and some people are very uncomfortable with that and take it personally, as if you are judging their decisions just by the fact you made a different decision.

[Miss Sherry]

I think the issue is that I do talk about homeschooling a lot. People ask, "What are you doing tomorrow?" and I tell them. It probably involves school. I'm also one of those people that answers honestly when people ask how I'm doing.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about school or doing things for school. It seems that I can't talk about a huge part of my life with people.

 

Tonight's whine was triggered by conversations with my mom. She doesn't agree with much of anything we do with our kids. So do I just not discuss them with her? That seems like a huge thing to leave out.

 

But maybe that's the choice I have to make. Not discuss my kids and homeschooling or deal with people criticizing my choices.

Yes, it is hard not to be able to discuss what is on your mind with your own Mom. But I doubt she homeschooled and she doesn't get it. Maybe you can find a local homeschool support group to find someone to talk to in person. I think it is best not to discuss areas of your life with someone that is going to be critical of your choices. That just discourages you and you do not need that. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Some people are just not in a place in their thinking that they can be a support to us.

[silliness7]

I think the issue is that I do talk about homeschooling a lot. People ask, "What are you doing tomorrow?" and I tell them. It probably involves school. I'm also one of those people that answers honestly when people ask how I'm doing.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about school or doing things for school. It seems that I can't talk about a huge part of my life with people.

 

Tonight's whine was triggered by conversations with my mom. She doesn't agree with much of anything we do with our kids. So do I just not discuss them with her? That seems like a huge thing to leave out.

 

But maybe that's the choice I have to make. Not discuss my kids and homeschooling or deal with people criticizing my choices.

 

I have to fight the urge to "talk shop" to any and everybody. I think if you stop mentioning it that would help cut down on the comments. I'm getting better at finding other things to talk about than my homeschool drama. It's been challenging though. I have to remind myself that there IS more to me than homeschooling and that my quest for the perfect grammar curriculum is just not that interesting to 99.9% of people.

 

It is hard though when homeschooling is on the forefront of your mind so often. Sometimes I can twist the conversation so that I'm still talking about what's on my mind without bringing homeschool to the table. For example, my mom is a huge history buff. I can often talk to her about history tidbits that just fascinate me and her too without mentioning that I read it in our homeschool curriculum and we can have a wonderful conversation about something that interests both of us.

[laurad1125]

I have to remind myself that there IS more to me than homeschooling and that my quest for the perfect grammar curriculum is just not that interesting to 99.9% of people.

 

What is this "more than homeschooling" of which you speak? Life = homeschooling = life! :D Just kidding!

 

I actually practiced not talking about school with another mom at scouts tonight. I've known her about a year and she doesn't criticize but I've really been thinking about this topic and what I can do to minimize problems. I asked about her kid and we talked about the troop. I ended up mentioning school some but far less than I normally would have. I was pleased with myself and will continue working on this.

 

I also like the idea of talking about what's on my mind without actually mentioning schooling (like the history example you gave) I'll have to think on that as well....

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have perfected the raised eyebrow - as in "Did you just hear what came out of your mouth?!" but without words.

[Peela]

Peela, it just seems that you are being a little judgemental of the op's predicament, as if it is her fault, and also contradicting yourself at the same time. Perhaps your wording is just off. You said "Is there something in you that is attracting that? Because I never get it."

If you have never had "critics" than I don't understand why you said "I *did* however have asupport group of parents who parented like me, and that helped a lot with learning to deal with the critics. ............" What critics,if you never had any ? And did you attract them somehow ?

I guess I don't see how it is helpful to the op to imply something is wrong with her "Is there something in you that is attracting that ? " because she is dealing with critics ? Life is just unfair sometimes and it doesn't mean we are "attracting" unfair treatment.

 

No....not judgemental, and definitely not blaming her.

Just BTDT, offering my perspective, from my own experience. If one wants to share about homeschooling's harder moments, or parenting, with a mother who is negative about homeschooling or your parenting style, one is likely to cop negative criticism...and yes, we are then "attracting" that if we continue to share those topics, no matter how unfair that seems and how much we want our mother to be different. Isn't it freeing to realise that? We can stop! We are not a victim to the situation!

OK, not all cases of criticism are so clear, but in this case, I was spot on.

I think the OP got something from my post, and if not, that's ok.