sassenach Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Ds7 developed a passion for swimming this year. The end of season banquet was last night, and let's just say it was painful. They took an hour to give out awards to parent vollunteers, it was over-crowded (think people standing around the skirt of the room and kids on the floor), it was insane. So, 2 hours in, our kids get their awards. Each kid gets a medal based on best times. Our kids are in the 8 and under group, so there is 4 more age divisions to get through. We're miserable, we're thinking that there is no reason to stick around, so we leave. DH finds out from a friend today that our ds received the Coach's award. The coach told this great story about him, and gave him these huge compliments and he wasn't there. :sad: This kid thrives off of words of affirmation. This would have been a HUGE moment for him. I feel SO. BAD. He'll still get the award, but the moment is gone. We suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Oh, that is painful. You'll never live that down. Fifty years from now your kids will still be talking about last night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 Oh, that is painful. You'll never live that down. Fifty years from now your kids will still be talking about last night. Wow, I didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Oh, I am so sorry. :grouphug: I know you must feel terrible, but do try to forgive yourself. There was no way you could have known! My congratulations to your son. He must be some kind of wonderful to receive the Coach's award! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 I was just teasing, Shannon! It's true they won't forget it, but in a few years it'll be a family joke. Sorry to make you feel worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Oh, that is painful. You'll never live that down. Fifty years from now your kids will still be talking about last night. :001_huh: I don't think Shannon is a the point yet where she's ready to joke about it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Helga_immigrant_mom Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 :grouphug: I offer support to you and family Love, Helga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted July 12, 2010 Author Share Posted July 12, 2010 I was just teasing, Shannon! It's true they won't forget it, but in a few years it'll be a family joke. Sorry to make you feel worse. Sorry! It's just that THIS child is the type that will hold onto it. I know the guilt will wear off, but it's thick right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 I'm sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 do you know if anyone taped the entire thing so you can get a copy of what the coach said about him? All you can do at this point is apologize profusely. I'd also go get him his own pint of Ben and Jerry's. ;) You're a GOOD mom!!! You made a mistake! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 The fact that you feel so guilty is a sign that you are a very good mom. You'd be a bad mom if you just blew the whole thing off and didn't care. There is no way you could have known your son would win that award or that the coach would speak so highly of him. You are not omniscient. And, you are right - it was a very uncomfortable situation and it does seem perfectly reasonable to me that you would make the decision to leave early. I think having the coach over is a great idea. He would certainly understand if you explained. Your son sounds like an awesome young man - the kind of kid who can understand your reasoning and who can forgive a mom who is very sorry for the way things turned out.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mammaruss Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 :grouphug: The fact that you feel so guilty is a sign that you are a very good mom. You'd be a bad mom if you just blew the whole thing off and didn't care. There is no way you could have known your son would win that award or that the coach would speak so highly of him. You are not omniscient. And, you are right - it was a very uncomfortable situation and it does seem perfectly reasonable to me that you would make the decision to leave early. I think having the coach over is a great idea. He would certainly understand if you explained. Your son sounds like an awesome young man - the kind of kid who can understand your reasoning and who can forgive a mom who is very sorry for the way things turned out. :iagree: and lots of :grouphug: !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 do you know if anyone taped the entire thing so you can get a copy of what the coach said about him? All you can do at this point is apologize profusely. I'd also go get him his own pint of Ben and Jerry's. ;) You're a GOOD mom!!! You made a mistake! This is a good suggestion. It seems there's always someone with a video camera at any official event. If there's an email chain used among the team you could send out an appeal. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheTwinsMom1 Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Man that sucks, you sound like a great Mom. This is why I wish all leaders would let the parents know in advance that their kid is getting an award. Not tell the child, but at least clue the mom or dad in. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kzdaisy Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 And you are not entirely to blame, If the coach would have let parent's know ahead of time it would have been easier to stay.I probably would have done the same thing you did.:grouphug: Karin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 I would have wanted to go home too and so would my kids, at that age. I bet you weren't the only family that left early. I agree with the suggestion that maybe someone video taped the whole thing. If you ask around you may just find a video tape of it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Man that sucks, you sound like a great Mom. This is why I wish all leaders would let the parents know in advance that their kid is getting an award. Not tell the child, but at least clue the mom or dad in. :( You know, this just occured to me as well. My son was in Civil Air Patrol and each year they have an awards banquet. With my dh, myself, my son and his younger brother (also in CAP) it would have cost about $100 for us to attend. I told my son we just couldn't afford to go. The Deputy Commander of Cadets called me to let me know that my son was going to be awarded the Cadet of the Year award and that they would pay for us to attend. I'm sure glad she called and that we didn't miss out on that experience. It would have been very helpful if the leadership would've clued you in. Don't take all the blame, ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iammommy Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 :grouphug: Don't beat yourself up over this. Of course you would have stayed had you known. You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know! The coach should have told you in advance. What if you had wanted to tape it? Photograph the moment? It sounds like a very uncomfortable setting, and it's understandable why you left. I highly doubt your child will be traumatized by this. Honest. Even a sensitive child. If you don't amke a big deal about it, it won't be a big deal to your child. (Not the award, the missed presentation.) You're a wonderful mom or you wouldn't have felt badly. Let it go, and suggest to the coach that parents are told in advance next time. Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 When I was in high school my mother wanted to walk out on a end-of-the-year soccer banquet with awards. My mother was putting on her coat and getting me out the door, it was a long event, when the last award was announced for most valuable player--me. I don't remember the good feeling of receiving an award. I just remember my mother wanting to leave. The award lost its meaning. Obviously I think these things are important. Could you take the coach out to lunch and ask him to repeat the story--make it a special event that would give your son a lasting memory? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Did anyone get it on video? Your son can at least hear what the coach had to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 When I was in high school my mother wanted to walk out on a end-of-the-year soccer banquet with awards. My mother was putting on her coat and getting me out the door, it was a long event, when the last award was announced for most valuable player--me. I don't remember the good feeling of receiving an award. I just remember my mother wanting to leave. The award lost its meaning. Obviously I think these things are important. Could you take the coach out to lunch and ask him to repeat the story--make it a special event that would give your son a lasting memory? :glare: Well this isn't very helpful. She feels guilty, she feels bad, don't kick her when she's down for goodness sake. Shannon, it will be ok even if there is no video of it. Although I'm sure you would be sad, your son never even knew the coach spoke about him. You could either tell him or not tell him, whatever you think would be most helpful to your son. :grouphug: Let the guilt go!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 :glare: Well this isn't very helpful. She feels guilty, she feels bad, don't kick her when she's down for goodness sake. Shannon, it will be ok even if there is no video of it. Although I'm sure you would be sad, your son never even knew the coach spoke about him. You could either tell him or not tell him, whatever you think would be most helpful to your son. :grouphug: Let the guilt go!! Perhaps if you read my post all the way through you would have seen that I offered a suggestion, but if you skim you miss it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted July 12, 2010 Share Posted July 12, 2010 Perhaps if you read my post all the way through you would have seen that I offered a suggestion, but if you skim you miss it. Read the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Ouch, mommy guilt is a killer!! Could you contact the coach and ask him/her to write a letter including some of the remarks, then get a pic of the kid with the coach and the award, and have it all mounted in a special frame/display case for your child's wall? Beyond that and searching for the video and apologizing once or twice, I would try not to let the mommy guilt lead you to allow your child to wallow in the anger/sadness/drama. It's not the end of the world, and your child needs to see that... stiff upper lip and all that. Don't let the negativity outshine the pride for getting the award!! Hopefully someday it will just be a family joke. And if your kid has to sit through umpteen hours of boring ceremony someday, the understanding will come! And maybe then you will laugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Ouch, mommy guilt is a killer!! Could you contact the coach and ask him/her to write a letter including some of the remarks, then get a pic of the kid with the coach and the award, and have it all mounted in a special frame/display case for your child's wall? Beyond that and searching for the video and apologizing once or twice, I would try not to let the mommy guilt lead you to allow your child to wallow in the anger/sadness/drama. It's not the end of the world, and your child needs to see that... stiff upper lip and all that. Don't let the negativity outshine the pride for getting the award!! Hopefully someday it will just be a family joke. And if your kid has to sit through umpteen hours of boring ceremony someday, the understanding will come! And maybe then you will laugh! :iagree: Good ideas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Ds7 developed a passion for swimming this year. The end of season banquet was last night, and let's just say it was painful. They took an hour to give out awards to parent vollunteers, it was over-crowded (think people standing around the skirt of the room and kids on the floor), it was insane. So, 2 hours in, our kids get their awards. Each kid gets a medal based on best times. Our kids are in the 8 and under group, so there is 4 more age divisions to get through. We're miserable, we're thinking that there is no reason to stick around, so we leave. DH finds out from a friend today that our ds received the Coach's award. The coach told this great story about him, and gave him these huge compliments and he wasn't there. :sad: This kid thrives off of words of affirmation. This would have been a HUGE moment for him. I feel SO. BAD. He'll still get the award, but the moment is gone. We suck. OY! You don't suck. It was a mistake. One time Dh, not understanding how important swim championships are...left the meet right before relays. DS was supposed to be in said relay...and was not there....relay cost team championship! OY!!! That was a sucky parent moment. but he didn't know! Not his fault...and everyone got over it and moved on. :grouphug: Forgive yourself. It's ok. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Oh Shannon. :grouphug: We have all done things that, with 20-20 hindsight, we'd do over in a minute! I think the worse you feel, the harder your ds will take it. I would super apologize (which I'm sure you already have) and heap the words of encouragement on him and perhaps plan a special activity. Maybe a few friends over for summer play? Display the award prominently on the fridge. Let him overhear you telling Grandma, or let him call the grandparents and uncles himself to share his good news! Take a picture and send it to the coach with a thank you note. There are lots of ways to celebrate. This is perhaps just the start of many summer swim seasons for him and, well, now you know. ::sigh:: Does the awards ceremony have to be as long as the meets?! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Really, I would rather be in labor than attend a swim banquet. And I have attended quite a few. I skipped this years. DH took DS. He got the coaches award. Obviously that is not as bad as your situation, but I could easily see me doing the same thing you did, especially when my son was younger. I am a great swim mom in that I get my child to the practices and meets and give him every chance to succeed, and I attend every meet. But the banquets. OUCH. ETA that when I was a kid at a private school, they always informed the parents whose children were going to receive academic awards so that the parents would be sure to be there. I wish that my swim coach and yours would do the same. I think back in the day, it was understood that mothers had full lives and might not attend every banquet/ceremony. My parents were wonderful parents, but I don't think they felt bad about missing things. Now it is like the expectation that Moms (and Dads too) be there is so high I guess they don't bother. Edited July 13, 2010 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyJ Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I think whoever planned the banquet was asking way too much of families and children to stay that long. Shame on them. You are AWESOME for staying two hours. I only have two kids, and we seriously might not have made it that long. Your resonsibility is to your family, doing what's healthy for them in each moment, and you made the right decision given all the information you had. I would have left early. I also would have felt guilty. Maybe you could have the coach over for lemonade, or maybe he has notes about what he said that he could give your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the kind words. The team president lives down the block. He is going to summarize what the coach said into a letter and bring that by with the award. When dh gets home this evening, we're going to give him the award in the most upbeat way possible. We will definitely be downplaying the fact that he missed it there. More like, "Guess what we found out today? You got the coach's award!" I think dh feels worse than I do. If this gives you a picture of our weekend, Friday night we had small group and people were here till 10. Saturday we woke up at 5:30 for the championships and were there till the afternoon. Then our neighbors invited us over and we were there till 9. Then we were up early Sunday for church (dh is a pastor, I run kids ministry). There was a new family, so we decided to go out to lunch with them. We were home for an hour and then left for the awards. Dh has 2 slipped discs and my 10yo is in a wheelchair. Dh was having a very hard time with his back and all of the kids were overheated. So.....once they got their awards, we were all happy to leave. Our 2 swimmers were elated with their awards. I know it'll be fine. It would have been SO nice to get a heads up. According to the pres, we weren't the only ones that left early. I felt bad for the coach, too. I feel like we stole a moment from him, so I emailed him an apology. I ended up having a good cry on my bed, and then I called my mom. I know I'll feel better once I know how he reacts. I am praying that the fact that he missed a big moment goes over his head. Sigh. Thanks again, ETA- The suggestions that the coach come over are great, but our coach is getting married next week. Somehow, I think his mind has probably moved onto bigger things! Edited July 13, 2010 by Shannon831 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks for the kind words. The team president lives down the block. He is going to summarize what the coach said into a letter and bring that by with the award. When dh gets home this evening, we're going to give him the award in the most upbeat way possible. We will definitely be downplaying the fact that he missed it there. More like, "Guess what we found out today? You got the coach's award!" I think dh feels worse than I do. If this gives you a picture of our weekend, Friday night we had small group and people were here till 10. Saturday we woke up at 5:30 for the championships and were there till the afternoon. Then our neighbors invited us over and we were there till 9. Then we were up early Sunday for church (dh is a pastor, I run kids ministry). There was a new family, so we decided to go out to lunch with them. We were home for an hour and then left for the awards. Dh has 2 slipped discs and my 10yo is in a wheelchair. Dh was having a very hard time with his back and all of the kids were overheated. So.....once they got their awards, we were all happy to leave. Our 2 swimmers were elated with their awards. I know it'll be fine. It would have been SO nice to get a heads up. According to the pres, we weren't the only ones that left early. I felt bad for the coach, too. I feel like we stole a moment from him, so I emailed him an apology. I ended up having a good cry on my bed, and then I called my mom. I know I'll feel better once I know how he reacts. I am praying that the fact that he missed a big moment goes over his head. Sigh. Thanks again, ETA- The suggestions that the coach come over are great, but our coach is getting married next week. Somehow, I think his mind has probably moved onto bigger things! :grouphug::grouphug: You poor thing! What a weekend. It's *completely* understandable that you left. I know how you're feeling though, and I would totally beat myself up, too. It's not warranted, but I think it's just something we moms torment ourselves with :glare:. I have one that lives for praise, too, so I understand. Hang in there. You're feeling much worse about it than your ds ever will. I think the pp responses that asked if anyone got video is a great idea! Ask around. It seems like someone is filming with their phone or video camera at every event we attend, so you just might luck out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I think whoever planned the banquet was asking way too much of families and children to stay that long. Shame on them. the people who plan these banquets are also volunteers who probably don't want to plan these events, but someone has to. They aren't being paid, they aren't professional event planners, and the probably don't do it "just right," but if someone else wants to do it, I am sure they are welcome. Most swim organizations run on the time commitments of Moms and Dads who have a lot of other demands on their time but are just doing their best for the team. There is no shame in not doing it just right. There is honor in doing it at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyJ Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 the people who plan these banquets are also volunteers who probably don't want to plan these events, but someone has to. They aren't being paid, they aren't professional event planners, and the probably don't do it "just right," but if someone else wants to do it, I am sure they are welcome. Most swim organizations run on the time commitments of Moms and Dads who have a lot of other demands on their time but are just doing their best for the team. There is no shame in not doing it just right. There is honor in doing it at all. I believe this thread is about supporting Shannon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I believe this thread is about supporting Shannon. Which I did in my original post. Do you think that "for shaming" other moms makes her situation better? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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