Do we have to invite.........

[katemary63]

my MIL to our son's wedding? Gosh, that sounds terrible. But it's reality. We are not close. We don't like her. She is NPD. My DH has not spoken to her in 4 months. We are not hatefull or fighting. We just don't want to put ourselves into her path of destruction so we avoid her at all costs. She is clueless.

 

My son is getting married next June. He does NOT want his grandma there. She is crazy and will say very embarassing and rediculous things to whoever she is talking too. It is a guarantee.

 

So, none of us wants to invite her. But she would be SHOCKED not to be invited. We are not angry with her, we are not looking to make any kind of a point. We don't have an emotional problem seeing her or anything. The sole reason not to invite her is to prevent us all from being embarassed. Is that enough of a reason?

 

There WILL be consequences to this. Some family will be angry with us. Honestly, we don't talk to them that much either and none of us really care, but, it's not like right now when we see them, we are uncomfortable. That will probably change after this. It will definately make us the black sheep of the "family" which we already are sorta.

 

Well, what do you think?

[bookfiend]

It sounds like you are in a horrible situation, and there will be a ruckus either way. You just have to choose which one you want to deal with.

[JoyfulMama]

Sounds like you already know what the repercussions may be from not inviting her. It's more of a question of, are you comfortable with that? Is your son, and your dh comfortable with that?

 

If you are inviting all family to the exclusion of her, then I think it is being rude. If you are not inviting much family, well, then you would have to be the one to state why so-and-so was invited, but not her. At some point I think you would have to tell MIL why she isn't/wasn't invited. I'd be cornered, either in a note or a phonecall.

[chiguirre]

Could you get one of your older kids or a brother or sister to be her minder and try to keep her contained? There are quite a few loons in dh's family, but it would be unheard of to not invite them and I wouldn't rock that boat for anything. The minder might not have a very good time, but they'd be offering a valuable service to the rest of the family.

[KnitWit]

My advice is to NOT make that decision yet. You have a year. See how things go.

 

In the meantime, maybe your dh can speak to one of those family members who wouldn't understand if you *didn't* invite her, and see if they will be *responsible* for her if you DO. ;)

[Prudent]

My son is getting married next June. He does NOT want his grandma there.

 

It's HIS wedding. Isn't it his decision? Sounds to me like he's made up his mind.

 

I'm sorry to sound callous, but I'm a firm believer that marriage is about two people becoming one, not two families.

 

I'm not in your shoes, but I'm having a hard time imagining a scenario in which I would try to influence my child to do something other than what they want on the most important day of their life.

[NanceXToo]

It's HIS wedding. Isn't it his decision? Sounds to me like he's made up his mind.

 

Exactly what I was thinking. I'd leave it entirely up to him and his bride-to-be.

[KnitWit]

I missed that...I agree, it's your son's wedding.

[rookie]

I am so over doing what my bio or IL families want that it seems obvious to me that if your son does not want her, and your DH does not want her, and you do not want her .......... she's not invited. Period.

 

Just be careful some family member who is invited does not try to sneak her in! :D

 

Here's my rule for having people to an event: If it feels like an OBLIGATION, that person does not get an INVITATION!!!

[duckens]

I do agree that you have a year, so you don't have to make a decision now.

 

My attitude would be that it is my SON'S wedding. Not mine. I don't have to defend him. I would just tell other family members that it was son's decision.

 

If one does not behave well in public, then one does not get to go out in public. This is what I have told the kids I babysat for 25+years. Why would I hold a different standard for adults???

[Mama Geek]

The invitees to a wedding should be there to support the bride and groom on their new life together. To celebrate and to enjoy the time with them and to encourage them in their marriage.

 

If you MIL is unable to do this, I would probably not invite her.

[CalicoKat]

Sounds like you already know what the repercussions may be from not inviting her. It's more of a question of, are you comfortable with that? Is your son, and your dh comfortable with that?

 

If you are inviting all family to the exclusion of her, then I think it is being rude. If you are not inviting much family, well, then you would have to be the one to state why so-and-so was invited, but not her. At some point I think you would have to tell MIL why she isn't/wasn't invited. I'd be cornered, either in a note or a phonecall.

I think your son really needs to have a heart -to heart with you about the consequences if she's not invited. I don't think he'll understand it all, but at least it won't be a, "Why didn't you tell me how forever this would be..."

 

At that age and at that point in my life I don't think I would have ever

totally understood how much, how long, how painful disrupted family relationships can be.

 

At the very least he needs to understand that while he's protecting this event he may be setting his bride up to suffer WWIII for each and every future family event. The long term is really more at stake than this one event.

 

You've got a long time to discuss it and wear the decisions and perhaps even get outside counseling.

[JVA]

I agree with the others to wait the year and see how things go. You never know what changes can occur in that time.

 

On the other hand - looking to the future and having contingency plans is important. We anticipate that our dd will be married in about a year. :) My own mother was a nightmare at my wedding and my sisters' weddings. She basically hates men and marriage- sad, long story. She will probably be invited (my dd's choice) to be polite. If my mother starts talking like she'll actually want to come, I've already got my little speech ready for her. She is welcome as long as she treats it like the celebration it is. If she gets nasty, critical or harsh while present at the festivities, she will be excorted OUT and taken to her hotel and then the airport. Our boys will not allow her to ruin anything for their sister and are willling to be the 'bouncers', if need be. There will be NO tolerance for selfish behaviour. In her case,I'm pretty sure the 'talking-to' will do the trick. She will be embarrased that I'd bring it up. She'll either decide she can abide by that or stay home. Either is fine with dh and myself. We know that Plan B is in place if it's needed.

Aren't difficult family members a chore?:grouphug:

[QueenCat]

I think your son really needs to have a heart -to heart with you about the consequences if she's not invited. I don't think he'll understand it all, but at least it won't be a, "Why didn't you tell me how forever this would be..."

 

At that age and at that point in my life I don't think I would have ever

totally understood how much, how long, how painful disrupted family relationships can be.

 

At the very least he needs to understand that while he's protecting this event he may be setting his bride up to suffer WWIII for each and every future family event. The long term is really more at stake than this one event.

 

You've got a long time to discuss it and wear the decisions and perhaps even get outside counseling.

 

:iagree: There could be long term consequences, and even if the future dil is not the one making the choice, it is highly likely that several family members will blame her, and could cause her pain for a long time. I would really think about this, and see if you can't come up with a way to include her.

[Murphy101]

It's HIS wedding. Isn't it his decision? Sounds to me like he's made up his mind.

 

I'm sorry to sound callous, but I'm a firm believer that marriage is about two people becoming one, not two families.

 

I'm not in your shoes, but I'm having a hard time imagining a scenario in which I would try to influence my child to do something other than what they want on the most important day of their life.

 

:iagree: I'm so done dealing with toxic people. Yes, it might make family gatherings for years to come a bit of an ordeal, but it sounds like it's more likely that they just won't care to attend such toxic events anyways.

[OnTheBrink]

Does MIL know the affect she has on your family? If she's completely clueless, then I can see that she'd be hurt and offended for not being invited.

 

The sad reality is, it really isn't just the two of them becoming one; when you marry, you take on the extended family, too. And they can make your life a nightmare, if they have the means to (BTDT, have the battle scars to show for it). So, I think it would behoove the couple to consider carefully the fall-out of grandma not coming, versus anything embarrassing she may say. It's a rock and a hard-place, but unless the happy couple is moving out of the country the second they say "I do", they might want to think into the future a bit and decide which of the two evils is lesser.

[Sophia]

This is a dilemma, and one we will be facing when our dc marry.

Different relative, but same unpredictable and outrageous behavior.

 

What we have done in other social settings, is to warn some key people to be on the lookout and help us contain the fallout.

 

It's almost become a game of "who's going to be the first to find the bomb?"

 

Hopefully you have some dear friends and family who can help you do this.

 

Imo, it has been worthwhile and easier to do this than leave this person out altogether.

 

Ymmv, of course.

[elfgivas]

This is a dilemma, and one we will be facing when our dc marry.

Different relative, but same unpredictable and outrageous behavior.

 

What we have done in other social settings, is to warn some key people to be on the lookout and help us contain the fallout.

 

It's almost become a game of "who's going to be the first to find the bomb?"

 

Hopefully you have some dear friends and family who can help you do this.

 

Imo, it has been worthwhile and easier to do this than leave this person out altogether.

 

Ymmv, of course.

 

this has been our approach. it works well. unless she will physically assault someone or stand up and object to the wedding during the service, a family member should be able to contain her. and whatever she says reflects on her, not on you. just put dear uncle george as her escort.... and let him know that his job is to help her enjoy herself, and to minimize "negative incidents".

 

this is an amazing chance to show grace and kindness, which is a lesson we all need to witness occasionally...

 

good luck!

ann

[Danestress]

Yes. I personally think that fear that a grandmother will embarrass you is a bad reason to not invite a grandmother to your wedding. Unless she's really toxic and likely to be aggressive, cruel, etc. I think you should encourage him to invite her, and I think your DH should insist that he do so. I would feel differently if this were one of those "only the parents and siblings of the bride and groom" wedding. I am a fan of very small weddings, by they way, but I don't think you can invite your college roommate and then not invite your grandmother without causing her a huge amount of pain.

 

I would not let my son put himself in that position without really laying it on the line for him. It's easy at 22 (my son's age, but 24 or 26 maybe even too) to not understand the potential consequences of saying, "I don't like or enjoy my grandmother (or sister, mother, sister-in-law) and she gets on my nerves and says dumb things, so I am not inviting her." It might devastate his grandmother in ways that he is not able to appreciate, and he may really regret it later.

 

 

I wouldn't do it. What I would so is assign certain people to supervise her. Create a team of your son's sweetest friends and make sure they are willing to have "grandma intervention" assignments.

[Gratia271]

I'm so done dealing with toxic people.

 

I think that people often overlook the fact that there are toxic people within one's own family. What is the necessity of including them in an event? Is it to create a false perception of unity or to assuage one's guilt over the ramifications of not including them? As someone who believes in social decorum, I also believe that toxic people should be avoided regardless of their last name. Biology does not necessarily equal family.

 

DH and I spent several years attempting to maintain a relationship with his toxic biological relatives. In his mind, they are not his family. They were not part of our wedding celebration. There were no ramifications nor was there any fall-out from this decision. It was his choice. There were some guests who felt compelled to inform me it must be sad for him to not have them there. I was stunned at the presumption of these people in their false notion that he would be disappointed. He was elated!

 

Only you can accurately gauge the ramifications of this type of decision, but I agree with pp that this is your son's day. To the extent that someone may resent his bride over this choice, that is their problem. Petty people want someone to blame and insofar as they struggle with placing blame on immediate family, she may be a safe target.... which of course brings us back to the notion of toxic people in one's own family. I bore the blame of all such issues in respect of my DH because his biological parentage could not accept responsibility for their behavior. Ultimately, it is their loss; and, contrary to their desires, no one cared what they thought on the matter.

[silliness7]

I haven't read the replies yet but I do think you should invite her and then figure out a way to minimize the embarrassing things she will do/say. Does she have a daughter or a sister that you can wrangle into "babysitting grandma" and keep her out of trouble?

[rfoster]

I understand where the posters are coming from that are suggesting huge family repercussions re: not inviting grandma. But I really think that this largely depends on what your current immediate/extended family dynamic is.

 

I'll give our family as an example. Both DH and I have several incredibly toxic immediate family members with NPD, as well as some past abuse issues (said family members abusing us physically, mentally, emotionally). We've managed to work ourselves away from these family members over the years and overcome the manipulation and mental games to the point where they are largely out of our life other than maybe an update email several times a year. We do indeed get pressure from other family members to invite these people back into our lives, allow them to step all over us, continue to abuse us and disrespect us, etc. However we are both finally at a point where WE DON'T CARE, having those people largely out of our lives is worth far more than keeping a few people's gums from flapping. I'm of course to blame for DH cutting out the people on his side of the family, and DH is to blame for me cutting out the people on my side of the family. But our marriage is SO much stronger and we are SO much better off since we've made these decisions.

 

Now that being said, cutting people out to that degree is NOT a casual decision or something to be taken lightly, and generally when you make that decision, there isn't really any going back. Does your son regularly converse with grandma? Does he spend time with her? Will he see her or speak to her regularly AFTER the wedding? If the answer is no, your family is pretty much at the same point that our family is (very little contact to no contact) then I'd say it doesn't really matter because the dynamic is that she's not really involved in his life much anyway. However if your family is still regularly involved in grandma's life then it probably would be a better idea to do what the pp's have said re: finding a 'minder'.

[jld]

Personally, I feel a lot better when I'm in voluntary, not forced, relationships. We're born into our families and don't have any choice in the matter. But at some point, we get to choose whether or not we continue with that group of people, or to what extent.

 

We all reap what we sow. This is what your MIL has sown.

[kalanamak]

It's HIS wedding. Isn't it his decision? Sounds to me like he's made up his mind.

 

 

That said, unless he thinks she will actually disrupt the day, I would invite her.

[LibraryLover]

You have a good 10 months to decide and/or find her a chaperone. I would not even think about this now.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would leave the decision to your son and his fiancee as it's their special day. :)