Would you let your 11, 8, and 7 yo boys "play" with a 17 yo teen?

[MotherMayI]

We recently moved to an acre and a half home on a private street of about 10 homes. The only kids on the street range in age from about 13 (2 girls) to 17 (3 male teens). We have an awesome back yard with a huge rope swing, tree houses, a pool, and lots of room to roam- so it is very attractive to the older kids. The 17 year old has been coming over regularly and my children look forward to seeing him. He is a very nice boy...a little slow- so perhaps fairly even in maturity...but obviously he is physically mature. I have met his family and they are very nice. I have talked with my dc about the age difference and the experiences that this friend has had simply by being older. I have made rules about their time together. My kids are having a hard time understanding why age difference would be a problem and are starting to ask if he can sleep over:001_huh: Uh, No. Wwyd??

[rookie]

NO! Don't do it!! That is a BAD idea!!!

[Mejane]

I think they can spend time together (supervised), but sleepovers? No. I would be very surprised if his parents approved sleepovers either.

[coffeegal]

I think they can spend time together (supervised), but sleepovers? No. I would be very surprised if his parents approved sleepovers either.

 

:iagree:

[hsmom]

Like your children I am not sure what age difference has to do with it. I mean do you feel threatened in anyway with the way he is around your children?

 

You state he is a little slow, how so.

 

My oldest will be 14 this year and has friends who range in age from 5 to 17, I would never once think twice about him having sleep overs with them or at my house. I just don't see the big deal about age. It is more about the person not their age. Right?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some boys at that age have been known to experiment on younger children - even good boys who don't turn into sexual predators have hormones that sometimes get away from them. I wouldn't automatically suspect the boy of anything but I would keep play in open spaces for everyone's sake. And no sleepovers. As to what to tell the young boys, I would simply say "X is a great friend to have come and play in our yard but we're going to keep sleepovers for kids our age (assuming you do sleepovers)."

[MorganClassicalPrep]

How is he "a little slow"?

 

If I felt comfortable with my child playing with an older child, I'd probably let them have a sleepover. At my house of course, and everyone would be sleeping out in the living room or something. But if this boy is on the slow side, he could be more on the level of an 11 year old and just feel more comfortable with them than with those his own age. (Depending on what you mean by slow. Like, developmental, learning disorders, ??)

 

I had older friends growing up. In fact, the majority of my friends were older. If I was only allowed to have sleepovers with people my own age... well, I'd have been a very lonely girl! The older kids thought my quirks were cute, the kids my age thought they were.. weird. It hasn't been until very recently that I've learned to relate to people my own age properly.

[Chris in VA]

No, I wouldn't, except where I could keep an eye on them. No sleepovers. Find kids your own kids' ages.

There's a big difference between 11 and 17 and obviously an even bigger one between 17 and the other ages. 14 and 17 isn't so big a deal, but 11, even if the 17 yo has some sort of mental disability, is still too big a stretch for me.

[RoughCollie]

Some boys at that age have been known to experiment on younger children - even good boys who don't turn into sexual predators have hormones that sometimes get away from them. I wouldn't automatically suspect the boy of anything but I would keep play in open spaces for everyone's sake. And no sleepovers. As to what to tell the young boys, I would simply say "X is a great friend to have come and play in our yard but we're going to keep sleepovers for kids our age (assuming you do sleepovers)."

 

:iagree:

[NanceXToo]

Hm. I don't know if I'd do the sleepover thing. But if they enjoyed spending time with each other during the day on that great property of yours (I'm so jealous of it, it sounds awesome lol), then I don't see the harm in that.

 

After all, one of the things many homeschoolers say they like about homeschooling is that it doesn't put their kids in that artificial environment of being in a controlled group of 20-something other kids their exact age. They get to be more in the real world, where they are around a variety of different people of all different ages and get to choose to spend their time with them based on personality and interests and whether they enjoy each other's company.

[Mejane]

.

After all, one of the things many homeschoolers say they like about homeschooling is that it doesn't put their kids in that artificial environment of being in a controlled group of 20-something other kids their exact age. They get to be more in the real world, where they are around a variety of different people of all different ages and get to choose to spend their time with them based on personality and interests and whether they enjoy each other's company.

 

Yes. My kids have a diverse group of friends age-wise. They do all sorts of activities together as a group, but it doesn't extend to sleepovers. My daughter is 17. I can't imagine her wanting to sleep over at a 7yo's house. :001_smile:

[2cents]

No. At 17 it is unusual to be hanging around with such younger children unless he is related, babysitting, mentoring, tutoring etc. It would be better if his parents encouraged him to find more age appropriate friends. Maybe you could help them along those lines by recommending some volunteer or summer work possibilities for the young man.

[MotherMayI]

Some boys at that age have been known to experiment on younger children - even good boys who don't turn into sexual predators have hormones that sometimes get away from them. "

 

This is where my hesitation lies. By slow I mean that his IQ is probably on the lower end of the spectrum (I was a former Special Ed. Teacher and he reminds me of former students). He is very polite and I have seen no reason to distrust him and if I could figure out multi-quoting I would have responded directly to many of the pps. One reason I like homeschooling is that it does broaden the ages of possible friends. I just didn't expect one who was going to be a senior next year! He is happy to play tag, ride skate boards/scooters/bikes, and swing all day. I think he is just as happy to have my kids here to give him something to do as they are to have him as a new friend. There will absolutely be no sleep-overs and I do think limiting time where they can hang out is important. I guess it is so out of the norm that I feel conflicted.

 

Thanks for your input...I'll check back in later!

[texasmama]

Some boys at that age have been known to experiment on younger children - even good boys who don't turn into sexual predators have hormones that sometimes get away from them. I wouldn't automatically suspect the boy of anything but I would keep play in open spaces for everyone's sake. And no sleepovers. As to what to tell the young boys, I would simply say "X is a great friend to have come and play in our yard but we're going to keep sleepovers for kids our age (assuming you do sleepovers)."

 

This exactly. I always err on the cautious side because I have a professional background in the field of foster care/child abuse and have seen too much to ever be naive again.

[Ottakee]

This is where my hesitation lies. By slow I mean that his IQ is probably on the lower end of the spectrum (I was a former Special Ed. Teacher and he reminds me of former students). He is very polite and I have seen no reason to distrust him and if I could figure out multi-quoting I would have responded directly to many of the pps. One reason I like homeschooling is that it does broaden the ages of possible friends. I just didn't expect one who was going to be a senior next year! He is happy to play tag, ride skate boards/scooters/bikes, and swing all day. I think he is just as happy to have my kids here to give him something to do as they are to have him as a new friend. There will absolutely be no sleep-overs and I do think limiting time where they can hang out is important. I guess it is so out of the norm that I feel conflicted.

 

Thanks for your input...I'll check back in later!

 

I am the mother of such a boy. My son is now 22 and hangs out with kids younger than himself and has a great time. He has Fetal Alcohol and is more like a 10-12 year old in many ways. In fact we do respite for a 13 year old boy who just LOVES to come and hang out with my son.

 

As the mother of such a child, I am very thankful for my son having friends (he does have a lot of same age friends as well) and being invited to do things in a safe environment. After all, your kids aren't teasing him, trying to manipulate him out of his money, goad him into things he shouldn't be doing, etc.

 

That said, I would have him over with supervision. No overnights (but we don't really do sleep overs at all--other than respite). Make sure your kids know the basic personal safety rules and have them stick together when playing.

 

This will prevent any possible inappropriate things happening as well as protect this teen from any false accusations (not from your kids but others).

 

Can you do things with this boys family? a picnic, etc? If you taught these types of students then you are likely more aware of just how hard it is to parent them when they just don't fit in and yet long for social stuff. This might be "out of the norm" but think of what a blessing you could be to this boy and his family.

 

Just set reasonable limits on their play---like when you or your dh can supervise, etc. and let them enjoy their friend.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Ottakee

[Peela]

It sounds innocent enough and I do like that homeschoolers can play with a wide range of ages. My son loves older boys to play with, and he has many younger boys he plays with on the street here.

 

Sleepovers? Only if you feel comfortable. If not..just say no.

[Ottakee]

No. At 17 it is unusual to be hanging around with such younger children unless he is related, babysitting, mentoring, tutoring etc. It would be better if his parents encouraged him to find more age appropriate friends. Maybe you could help them along those lines by recommending some volunteer or summer work possibilities for the young man.

 

I am gathering that this young man is mentally impaired/slower so that casts a different light on the subject.

 

I still encourage appropriate supervision, but as the mother of 3 special needs kids, I know my kids love to play with those younger than themselves. My 14 year old daughter loves to talk with a 7 year old boy at church because they both love animals and will discuss various animals. Now, we don't do sleep overs and they are supervised but since she is mentally 5-6, the girls her age don't really interact much with her.

[Dawn in OH]

Play in my backyard, sure. Sleepover, I would have to pass on that. I think all my reasons for no sleepovers with a child that age have been covered. Sometimes, it's just better to be safe than sorry.

[QueenCat]

My son has Asperger Syndrome. He definitely relates to younger kids better than same aged peers. He is 17, academically ahead, socially around 12. I would shudder to think anyone thought he was a predator just because he enjoys talking to younger kids. He's interested in the same things they are, and no one his age will talk about the same things the 11-12 years will talk to him about (movies, games, etc). Just keep it supervised until you are more comfortable, and know the boy/family better. And please don't make assumptions without getting to know him first.

[Tree House Academy]

Something that strikes me as strange is why in the world a 17 year old would want to hang out with (or spend the night with) 3 kids ages 11, 8, and 7. Ummmm??? I mean, it is one thing for him to be nice to your kids when he sees them...or to play with them at some neighborhood function or something... but to come over and "hang out" with little kids? No...I find that odd.

[Ottakee]

Something that strikes me as strange is why in the world a 17 year old would want to hang out with (or spend the night with) 3 kids ages 11, 8, and 7. Ummmm??? I mean, it is one thing for him to be nice to your kids when he sees them...or to play with them at some neighborhood function or something... but to come over and "hang out" with little kids? No...I find that odd.

 

Do you have a special needs child? As the mother of 3 of them I don't find this odd at all. I don't know if it was this boy asking to spend the night or the original poster's kids asking if he could. If he is mentally impaired he might be craving friends as honestly, most 17 year old "normal" kids probably won't do anything socially with him.

 

We have 8-12 year old boys that LOVE to come and hang out with my 22 year old mentally impaired son. They think he is cool and will do the things they like to do. In fact my friend' son can't wait to go fishing with my dh and my 22 year old son----and this boy is a normal 11 year old kid.

 

I think it is wonderful that the OP's kids see this young man as someone they WANT to hang out with and play with. Again, supervision is indicated but I don't see anything "weird" about it.

[AngieW in Texas]

My middle dd is 14yo. She has Asperger's. She is academically advanced, but is about 10yo socially. Her best friends are 10yo. Little kids tend to adore her because she will push them on the swing for long periods of time. She loves to go to the park and swing for hours. If anybody with little kids comes to the park, she will swing their kids for them.

 

She doesn't do sleepovers (at our house or elsewhere) because she doesn't like sleeping anywhere other than her own bed and doesn't want to have anybody else in her room while she's sleeping.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My son has Asperger Syndrome. He definitely relates to younger kids better than same aged peers. He is 17, academically ahead, socially around 12. I would shudder to think anyone thought he was a predator just because he enjoys talking to younger kids. He's interested in the same things they are, and no one his age will talk about the same things the 11-12 years will talk to him about (movies, games, etc). Just keep it supervised until you are more comfortable, and know the boy/family better. And please don't make assumptions without getting to know him first.

 

Since my post was the one warning of teen-age hormones, I want to make it clear that I do not think that it is suspicious or even strange to want to be with younger children. Of course someone who is developmentally a younger age is going to want to be with kids who are developmentally similar. And many very nice 17 year olds who are developmentally on target love kids and will play with them.

 

But - 17 year olds, if they are developing normally otherwise, will have certain raging hormones. Even my long-time student with Down's Syndrome experimented (and was taken advantage of, btw) because she had hormones that she didn't understand well enough to know how to handle. And of course we all know kids with no developmental disabilities who have had a hard time handling them. So encourage the relationship but be wise too because a 17 year old is stronger than a younger child and is often looked up to too and you just need to be aware of that.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[Cindyg]

Playing supervised -- yes. Sleepover -- no.

 

My son had a very good friend who was quite a bit older. They had a good relationship beginning when they were perhaps 8 and 14. The older boy was just nice to younger kids. He was the big kid that all the little kids were hanging onto at the skating rink, and he handled it very well.

 

So, why the past tense? ("My son had a very good friend...") The older friend grew up and left home. He is literally too old for little boy friends anymore.

 

But he was a nice friend to my son.

 

But, supervise.