S/O of S/O on Date Night

[LuvToRead]

I'm just curious, after reading the date nigh thread, how many of you who don't date actually get to spend time with DH at home.

 

Here is my life

Yesterday, DH left for work at 4 am, I was still asleep. He got home a little after 6pm, and by the time he showered and we ate supper, it was after 7. He played a Wii game with the girls, and was asleep on the couch by 8. I went to bed alone, again. I got up at 5 this morning, and DH was already gone. Things will finally slow down in July, then he has to go out of town for training. Then, we will start the cycle all over in September. BTW: he works outside in the heat, doing a labor intensive job. He has exhausted when he gets home.

 

So, I cherish any time I can get out of the house, alone with DH, which is, at most, twice a year.

 

So, how many of you who don't feel dates are necessary actually spend quality time with DH, and if you didn't get to spend quality time with DH, would you change your mind?

[kmacnchs]

When he gets home, I do all of my talking to him while we eat and play w/the kids. They are young enough that if we are swinging them on the swings, they are happy and we can still talk - only dd1 wants to carry on a conversation and that's not much, she just turned 4.

 

When the kids go to bed, he works at job #2 until midnight. I go to sleep by myself the VAST majority of the nights :( I wish this was different. We spend 30min-1hr in the mornings before he gets the kids up and leaves for work.

 

So yes and no - we certainly don't spend every minute together but I am weird in that I just like for him to be home - just like to be in his presence - weird, I know...:D

[Lolly]

Well, we sleep together. Is that quality time? I do mean sleep btw.

 

I see dh at night for an hour or two before bed. At least one dc usually present. Occasionally, I'll see him for a bit on the weekend. We usually see each other for a second in the morning as one or the other is getting out of bed to start their day. Today, I've seen him for around 2 minutes. He'll probably get home early tonight since it is Sat. I'll see him another 3 hours then; well, we'll be in the same general area. Probably. Well, maybe.

 

Adding, dh and I dated long distance. We never did have that tons of time together thing. We are both fiercely independent. I think feeling like I needed to hang around the house because he might be home, not going on a trip because he couldn't go, or even feeling that I had to report in to him regularly would drive me absolutely insane. I think it is a good thing he and I met up. I could drive another man crazy. (I know I drive my fil crazy (same household). He expects to know where I am at every second. Women shouldn't be out after dark. I should notify him every time I am leaving the house as to where I am going and when I'll be home. )

Edited June 12, 2010 by Lolly

[DianeW88]

I love to date my husband, but sometimes it's hard to fit it in with a busy family. So, I try to be really creative and come up with fun date nights at home. Two of my favorite sites are both written by fun girls from my area and they are PACKED with great dating ideas. Some for out of the house dates and some for at home dates. Just scroll through and click and you'll get some super ideas for dates you can do at your house without spending a lot of money.

 

http://thedahlingdatingdivas.blogspot.com/

 

Here is another site with a great post on keeping the spark in your marriage from a cute couple who have some struggles in their life (2 of their 4 children have cystic fibrosis), but still have an amazing attitude and an amazing marriage.

 

http://www.howdoesshe.com/keep-the-spark-hot

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have a family walk most nights after supper. In the winter or wet weather we walk at a small local mall. In the spring/summer we walk at a local track. Dh and I get the first 2 laps alone to talk while the kids are required to not be within ear shot! Sometimes if we have a lot to discuss we will go longer before the kids get a turn walking with each of us.

[Daisy]

And see, based on what you described, I would go INSANE. Frankly, a date night wouldn't cut it.

 

Husband leaves for work at 6:30-7am. We usually do a quick kiss and mumble at each other but we are not communicating yet. LOL.

 

We have no contact during the work day. He is a school teacher so no phone calls or text msgs, etc.

 

BUT he is home by 3:45pm. We are together as a family talking, playing games, doing chores, eating dinner, etc. until the kids go to bed at 7:30pm.

 

The kids read until about 8:30pm and then it's lights out.

 

Hubby and I have uninterrupted together time from 8:30 until whenever we fall asleep (usually 10pm).

 

Saturdays, Sundays, & holidays we are together 24/7. We have no extended family within a thousand miles. He'll have lesson plans and grading to do, but I usually do that with him. He does his plans while I'm doing mine. We are still together. LOL.

 

Yes, I'm blessed and it may very much explain why I don't *need* date nights.

[LuvToRead]

Daisy - thank you so much for your honesty. I kept reading responses like "We don't need a date night, but we spend 2 hours every evening together". Well, I wouldn't need to get away for a weekend with DH, if we had 2 hours alone every evening, too.:001_smile: It's hard to even coordinate with my parents for the girls to spend the night with them.

 

I guess I felt some were critizing those who go out alone with their DH's, and I think most don't understand what it's like to see your DH for 5 hours in an entire week. And none of the 5 hours is alone time. I can't rememer the last time we, uh, you know... :blushing: (although Perimenouse has pretty much killed the desire in me). My youngest is 5, and a daredevil, so taking a 3 hour nap on Sunday's is out of the question, but it sounds tempting. We have to be back at church at 5 on Sunday nights, anyway.

 

Plus, I'm lucky to see DH at all during the week. I have several friends, whose DH work out of state during the week, and only come home on weekends. Not to mention all the military wives whose DH's are gone for a year at a time.

[Daisy]

Here's what I wrote on the other thread. My intent was never to suggest that dates are BAD. Hey, I'd go on a date in a heartbeat. It just gets old being constantly told your marriage won't be strong if you don't go on dates (books, seminars, Sunday School, etc.). My point is that I think it might be better to focus on spouses having face time rather than always pushing the traditional date. Anyway, here is my post to the other thread.

 

The intent of this thread was not to say, "Ooh, look at me, I don't NEED dates." My interest was more on what family dynamics are necessary for a date to hold greater value or need for the wife/hubby. At first I thought maybe it had more to do with the number of children (making communication with spouse more difficult. LOL).

 

That was answered in the s/o s/o thread and by some of the comments here. Things I noticed.

 

1. Working from home can blur the line between work and family making leaving the house and going on a date a benefit.

 

2. If one spouse works long hours then having a set time for relationship building is GOOD.

 

3. If spouse works in a field that requires a lot of social interaction, the spouse needs to be included for the health of the marriage.

 

4. Perhaps this is a bit of an introvert/extrovert issue. Those who don't desire the social aspects of leaving the house, are content to have their dates or alone time at home.

 

5. Lack of ability to have a date (no family, lack of funds) often necessitates changing our thinking about dating. Perhaps some of us have had to meet that need in other ways for so long, we no longer see the need for a traditional date.

 

6. Traditional dating is not what is necessary in a relationship. What is necessary is to have FACE time with our spouses. Each of us meets that need however we can.

 

And I learned that dating can be a touchy subject (Hee hee. I like that play on words.). Who knew?

[Lolly]

Here's what I wrote on the other thread. My intent was never to suggest that dates are BAD. Hey, I'd go on a date in a heartbeat. It just gets old being constantly told your marriage won't be strong if you don't go on dates (books, seminars, Sunday School, etc.). My point is that I think it might be better to focus on spouses having face time rather than always pushing the traditional date. Anyway, here is my post to the other thread.

 

Or, isn't it more important to find what works for YOUR situation and go from there? There is not a single correct answer to what makes a marriage work. People are simply too diverse. What makes my marriage strong is that we are both committed to it. We both have respect for each other. We fundamentally have the same ideas and values. Dh and I could go years without seeing or being with each other and still be faithful and in love. Time together doesn't even have to factor into it.

[fairfarmhand]

yes, my dh works terribly long hours and when he gets home he needs some time to unwind (he is totally an introvert and being around people all day is exhausting for him) and he needs to spend time with the kids. So evenings after work are not typically a good time for us to connect. If we didn't have date time, we end up drifting apart. Totally on different pages. The reason dates work better for us is that we have a farm and if we are home, the work here consumes us, and we don't stop to enjoy one another's company. The only way for us to focus on one another is to leave the house.

[mcconnellboys]

I get to talk to my husband every evening and he's generally off on Fridays as well as the weekends, so I see him plenty.....

[Mejane]

My husband works from home, and our kids are old enough to leave whenever we feel like taking a ride or walk or something. We don't do formal dates as we spend too much time together already. ;)

[kokotg]

I didn't respond to the other thread....I like going out with DH, but I don't feel an overwhelming need for it, and, yeah, it probably is because we have tons of time together (and a good bit of time alone together) at home. He's a teacher, so he's home for the next 6 weeks right now. During the school year, he's gone before I get up, and he gets home anywhere between 4:15 and 5:30, depending on his tutoring schedule. Then he often goes back out to tutor for an hour after the kids are in bed, but we still always have an hour or two at least alone together in the evenings. And then all weekend. Like I try to remember when we only have $11 in our checking account, a lot of reason DH does what he does is so that we have a good amount of time to spend together.

[kewb]

My husband has has his own IT company and is currently working on his Masters. On a good week he only works 60 hours. We go weeks, sometimes months without a lot of quality time. Some weeks we communicate mostly via email. But, that works for us. He is exhausted most of the time and does not want to go out. Our quality time usually consists of us watching a tv show or a movie in bed after the kids are tucked in for the night. It isn't easy for me to stay up that late. I am really a morning person but I make the effort to be awake for him. Recently we had a few days in a row when we sat down in the living room and talked to one another about stuff. It was nice.

[Peela]

We don't really date, but yes, we spend quality time together, both at home and out- whether its shopping or going for walks or for meals or just for a ride on the motorbike. But we don't call it a date because it's just life for us.

 

I thought the idea of 'dating' was just to make sure you and dh actually prioritise some time together. If it is not put on the schedule, babysitters hired, and space made in their lives, for many couples, there would be no together time, and marriages can suffer. It makes sense to do that and calling it a "date" is just a way of remembering how important it was when you first met each other, and how much you would make that time, no matter what. Its just a way of making sure the marriage is put somewhere on the list of priorities and not just taken for granted.

 

I can barely comprehend how couples manage when the husband works so many hours he barely sees his family and cannot give nourishment and emotional support to his wife. To me, that's not much of a life, that's just survival mode.

[iquilt]

My dh is self-employed, so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. This has led to a fine balance between work time, savings and free time. It took awhile, but he has reached a point in his business of balance and he will take 2 weeks off this year for family trips (both with extended family, but I used to do those trips by myself with the kids). He has more flexibility now, he can usually be home in the morning for a good bit before leaving, but during the week he is almost always home way after the kids are in bed. We get time together on the weekends, but mostly with the kids. Now that they are older and we are in a nice neighborhood, we have managed to let the kids go off to play with friends while we get to stay home for a bit. We start our days together and he texts me between appointments almost constantly.

[*Jessica*]

I didn't respond on the other thread, but we're one of those couples who don't feel that we need to make time for dates.

We don't really date, but yes, we spend quality time together, both at home and out- whether its shopping or going for walks or for meals or just for a ride on the motorbike. But we don't call it a date because it's just life for us.

:iagree: Marc works from 7am-4pm, and works close enough to home that he spends his hour-long lunch break at home with us. Although I'm usually still asleep when he heads off for work, our children are still young and in bed by 8pm or earlier most nights. We don't go to bed until 11pm, so we have three hours of uninterrupted time to be together every night. We also have that hour at lunch and nearly four other hours, after he returns home and before the boys go to bed, together as a family each day.

 

If we spent as little time together as some others here get to, we would definitely feel the need to schedule time together for dates! I guess we are very fortunate to be in the situation we are.

 

Now I'm off to read the two blogs that DianeW88 posted. Surprises keep things interesting, right?!

[jillian]

We don't get "date night" super often (like once every 6 months) so we try to spend time together at home having intimate time (not just s*x but just cuddling up, kissing, hugging, etc) but we it does fall by the wayside. When my husband's schedule isn't super hectic this is his schedule:

Wake up: 3am

Leave for work: 6am (I get up btwn 7-8am with dd)

Errands and chores: 8-10

Lunchtime: 10-12

Dh will get home early afternoon but by then I am doing afternoon chores and finishing up what needs to get done around nap time, working out and trying to catch a breather as is dh (showering, etc) and then I start dinner and have to clean up.

 

When dh's schedule is absolutely hectic:

wake up: 3am

Leave: 530 or 6

Work til: 5 or 6 (sometimes later)

He will get home just as dd and I are sitting down to dinner or after we have dinner. He comes home, showers, scarfs down dinner (by this time I have dd in the bath and getting ready for bed).

Bedtime: around 9 because he is doing much more physical work than just working in the boat office

 

We have similar situations, rarely do we get out without dd (we love her but there are times we just want to be able to be together without being parents--it's too easy for us to fall into the roles of mom/dad which isn't a bad thing but it does strain our marriage).

 

DH's schedule is about to ramp up again at the end of this month. We do 3-4 month cycles (3-4 months of crazy schedule/boat patrols where he is gone for weeks/months at a time and 3-4 months of an easier schedule).

 

oh and when dh's schedule is super crazy he gets 1 weekend off a month. the other weekends go something like this: work overnight friday--get home early/mid morning saturday. i run errands that day since dh can keep dd and then i come home clean up (laundry/dishes/sheets/etc). that overnight can be friday, saturday or sunday. Sunday's are the worst because his schedule above is leave for 530/6, work all night overnight Sunday and then come home late Monday (5-6)

 

Adding even more to my enormous post: dh is also an introvert like some other husbands here. He hates being around people (like borderline panic attacks). He also works a very high stress job--think sh!t rolls down hill big time (military). He also takes on way more responsibility than is necessary for his rank/paygrade because he cleans up others messes. This has led to a BUNCH of extra expectations from the command which if he doesn't do makes everyone else work harder (which he doesn't like to do--he's very if I do it then it's done right)

 

I'm just curious, after reading the date nigh thread, how many of you who don't date actually get to spend time with DH at home.

 

Here is my life

Yesterday, DH left for work at 4 am, I was still asleep. He got home a little after 6pm, and by the time he showered and we ate supper, it was after 7. He played a Wii game with the girls, and was asleep on the couch by 8. I went to bed alone, again. I got up at 5 this morning, and DH was already gone. Things will finally slow down in July, then he has to go out of town for training. Then, we will start the cycle all over in September. BTW: he works outside in the heat, doing a labor intensive job. He has exhausted when he gets home.

 

So, I cherish any time I can get out of the house, alone with DH, which is, at most, twice a year.

 

So, how many of you who don't feel dates are necessary actually spend quality time with DH, and if you didn't get to spend quality time with DH, would you change your mind?

Edited June 13, 2010 by jillian

[JoyfulMama]

I don't get to spend a lot of time with my DH. We don't go out for Date Nights, but we do have what I consider date nights, or rather date times, which can be as few as 3 minutes. I make a point to spend time with him when I can get him, and we are both awake.

That means that sometimes the kids get to watch a movie in the morning. It means that sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon, or he takes a nap in the afternoon so that we can both be awake later, and not wanting to go to sleep at 8 with the kids.

Would I love to go OUT with dh??? Absolutely! But I love staying in with him just as much!

[lllll]

..

[mammaruss]

We do not have a date night. We are self employed--so yes, we are together pretty much all day long. When I was working outside of the home--early on in our relationship--we still did not need to have a date night. We have always had one or both boys with us when we go out to the movies, out to eat, etc...and that is how we like it.