Situation with ds16's friend. WWYD?

[MamaT]

My 16yo son has a very good friend who has a terrible home life. His family drinks a lot (including his brother and sister who still live at home). His mother and live-in boyfriend have done things like get mad and take the wireless router outside and shoot it (were mad with the brother). They seem to take everything out on my son's friend who is 15. He is determined to be different than his family, makes straight A's in school, goes to church with us on Sundays, etc. They tell him he thinks he is "better" than they are. He basically comes over after school on Fridays and stays until Sunday afternoon. We just took him home a couple of hours ago. His bio father is out of the picture.

 

He just called my ds and told him that his mother threw him out of the house for spilling some milk in the kitchen. He was standing out by the road in front of his house when he called. My son could hear his mother screaming at him to find somewhere else to stay. He just left to go get him. There have been other incidents similar to this one in the past. I'm not sure what to do about this. Any suggestions?

[Jennifer in MI]

How sad!! I really feel for your d.s.' friend. What a wonderful son you have! I don't really have any advice. But, I bet your d.s.' friend is incredibly grateful for you.

 

Are you open to having him live with you?

[Desert Rat]

I was thinking along the same lines as Jennifer. My friend in Australia is in an identical situation with a boy her son is friends with. This boy is 16 and they are working on emmancipation. I don't know the laws regarding becoming independent, but it might be something to look in to.

How sad for this young man. How strong he must be. I hope you can find a way to help.

I can't help thinking of Hyde on That 70s Show, if you ever watch that.

[MamaT]

My son has asked me about him living with us in the past. I guess I am considering it, but I'm not sure about the legal ramifications. I have also considered calling Child Services, but I'm afraid it would make his life even worse.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If his mom asks him to find a place to stay, then he can stay with you. But if his mom asks him to come back, you will need to take him right back there or you could face being charged with kidnapping, I believe.

[jewellsmommy]

Have you ever spoken with the mother? Would she give you power of attorney over her son? ETA: I see you reference a boyfriend, I missed that part before, but is the father out of the picture to the wife or to the kids as well. Sometimes kids the wrong info about the other parent that has left, kwim?

 

As youth workers in our church, we have taken in youth before. It would be best if you could 'sweet talk' the mother and offer to 'take him off her hands for a while', if you get what I am saying. Just don't make it sound like she is at fault or your judging her and she might just agree to it. Play it up as your son's idea. I don't mean to be sneaky, but I hate to see youth in these kinds of situations. this kid needs to know that someone wants him and someone cares. My prayers are with him and you.

Edited June 7, 2010 by jewellsmommy

[StartingOver]

I would find out the legal age of consent. Maybe call his mother and see if he can stay with you a while. Then figure it out from there. I have taken children in with consent of the parents, otherwise you could get in trouble. I know calling child services is hard, but it may be the only way. Sometimes if the child is close to legal age of consent, they will allow them to stay with you rather than a foster situation.

[MamaT]

Thank you for all the advice. I have never talked to the mother. Maybe a non-confrontational talk with her should be my first step. I hate to see him in this situation, but don't even know where I would put him. I guess we manage every weekend, we could do it if we had to.

 

He is upset right now and is hanging out downstairs with my ds. We are picking him up from school tomorrow and bringing him here. We told him we would sit down and have a talk about it tomorrow afternoon.

 

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer that we will do the right thing.

[mom4him]

Thank you for all the advice. I have never talked to the mother. Maybe a non-confrontational talk with her should be my first step. I hate to see him in this situation, but don't even know where I would put him. I guess we manage every weekend, we could do it if we had to.

 

He is upset right now and is hanging out downstairs with my ds. We are picking him up from school tomorrow and bringing him here. We told him we would sit down and have a talk about it tomorrow afternoon.

 

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer that we will do the right thing.

Tammy, the one thing I would not do is call dss. Getting them involved can in itself make his life miserable. One of my sons and his wife have fostered several teens and many times social services WERE NOT HELPFUL.

[LizzyBee]

I would try to open the lines of communication with his mother immediately. A friend of my dd16 said her mother threw her out of the house, so my dh and dd drove over to pick her up. Dh pulled around the corner and told friend to call her mom to let her know where she was and who she was with. When dh got on the phone with friend's mom, what he found out was that the friend was simply being rebellious and her mom told her that if she left she would call the police. My dh could have been arrested for kidnapping if he'd taken friend's word for what happened. Dh and the mom talked for a few minutes, and if dh had any feeling that the friend was not safe at home, he would not have left her there even if it meant risking arrest.

 

I know that's not what's happening in your ds and his friend's case, since your ds heard his mom screaming at him to find another place to stay. But if she decides to make trouble for you, it could get ugly. As the pp's said, if you are nice and respectful to her, it might be easier to make arrangements for her son to stay with you, at least for awhile.

Edited June 7, 2010 by LizzyBee

[MamaT]

Tammy, the one thing I would not do is call dss. Getting them involved can in itself make his life miserable. One of my sons and his wife have fostered several teens and many times social services WERE NOT HELPFUL.

 

We have also decided that would not be a good idea. Dh and I have had a chance to talk a little and I think our first step is to have him stay here for a week or so and see how it goes. My dh and heard enough with this boy that he does not want him to go back home right now. I will call his mom tomorrow and gently ask if I can take him off her hands for a week. He is just such a good, sweet kid. :001_smile:

[rookie]

I want to say one thing - gently - as nice as this boy is and as good as it would be to take him in, you have younger children who are your priority. It is imperative that in your desire to help him, you do not forget that he can be both "great" and also have some issues (not obvious) that could manifest themselves in your home and hurt your other children. Ask me how I know..... So, proceed but with a lot of caution and vigilence.

[Denisemomof4]

We have also decided that would not be a good idea. Dh and I have had a chance to talk a little and I think our first step is to have him stay here for a week or so and see how it goes. My dh and heard enough with this boy that he does not want him to go back home right now. I will call his mom tomorrow and gently ask if I can take him off her hands for a week. He is just such a good, sweet kid. :001_smile:

 

This may absolutely NOT apply to you, but please consider what Elizabeth said above. I can guarantee you that everyone would be absolutely charmed by my youngest dd. She's such a great kid, so well behaved and wonderful, WHILE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND. She'll go out of her way to impress others. When nobody else is around, her behaviors are OUT OF CONTROL in a very sneaky and passive aggressive way.

 

This may not apply to your son's friend AT ALL, but I believe it's very dangerous to trust the kid alone. You really do need to talk to the mother. If it's true that they're all heavy drinkers, this kid has probably not had his needs met for a LONG time. He may have attachment issues. He may not, but because I now have to live the life I do, I can't help but think of these things. I wasn't going to respond initially, but I really hope you can talk to the mother. If what your son's friend says is true, then please do all you can to help him. But you're only hearing one side of the story right now and it may not be accurate or even true.

 

I fear situations like this. I never allow my dd to go to someone else's house without me, but I always worry about what she's telling her friends. She's only 7, but she's already made MANY false allegations about our family. It's horrible to live like this. HORRIBLE. She lies just as much as she tells the truth. Even when we go to friends houses and she steps out of the room with her friend, I'm always uneasy and even fearful, waiting for her to say or do something inappropriate or flat out lie.

 

If this kid truly does need help, I'm so glad he's found your family.

[Scarlett]

We have also decided that would not be a good idea. Dh and I have had a chance to talk a little and I think our first step is to have him stay here for a week or so and see how it goes. My dh and heard enough with this boy that he does not want him to go back home right now. I will call his mom tomorrow and gently ask if I can take him off her hands for a week. He is just such a good, sweet kid. :001_smile:

 

Wow. You guys are great to want to help this kid. I say proceed with caution and lots of love. :grouphug:

[MamaT]

I want to say one thing - gently - as nice as this boy is and as good as it would be to take him in, you have younger children who are your priority. It is imperative that in your desire to help him, you do not forget that he can be both "great" and also have some issues (not obvious) that could manifest themselves in your home and hurt your other children. Ask me how I know..... So, proceed but with a lot of caution and vigilence.

 

Yes I agree, my own children are my first priority. He has been here two to three days at a time, but I know that we may see another side if he stays here longer. Somehow I don't think so with this kid. I will be keeping my mommy eyes open anyway.

[Debora R]

Bless you and your for taking this young man under your wing and trying to look out for him!! The world needs more people like you who are so generous of heart!

[FaithManor]

I know that calling CPS is scary and you don't want to make matters worse. But, it may be your only recourse because you don't have a legal right to the boy. He can kind of unofficially crash at your house but ultimately, at some point, something from school, a medical paper, etc. will have to be signed and when the school or doctor figures out he doesn't live with his parents and you don't have guardianship, they will be required to call CPS themselves. You'll then be dealing with the law and the law will want to know why you didn't follow the law.

 

There may one way around this. If his mother is that desperate to get rid of him, you might get her to sign guardianship to you. You can usually get a hold of the proper paperwork through community legal aid for free or from an attorney for a nominal fee. It's a very simple document, as legaleze goes, and if she signs it, you get full rights to him for the term of the agreement. Given his age, I'd try to make it until he is naturally emancipated at 18. If she signs this, you can bypass CPS but you need to get an agreement filed with the court (again nominal fees or free depending on the state) within probably 20 or at most 30 days. After this, you aren't just giving a kid a place to crash for a "few" days but are harboring a legal run-a-way.

 

Faith

[Rosie_0801]

My friend in Australia is in an identical situation with a boy her son is friends with.

 

Uh huh. There is a huge problem with hidden homelessness in this age group in this town. There was a bit of it when I was that age too; people couch hop between friends' houses.

 

Rosie

[Ellie]

I wonder if he can be emancipated? Then he can be out of that environment without involving CPS or anything.

[Laurie4b]

Here's what Findlaw said about NC's emancipation laws: http://family.findlaw.com/emancipation/state-emancipation-laws.html

North Carolina The age of majority in North Carolina is eighteen. A minor must be at least sixteen years of age in order to seek an order of emancipation from the court. The court will consider several factors including the parents' need for the minor's earnings as well as the minor's ability to accept adult responsibilities in determining the best interests of the minor.

 

If the emancipation is granted, the minor will have the adult rights to sign contracts, take part in law suits, and conduct other adult-related business. The parents' duties of support to the minor are thereby ended.

 

http://www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11364

More complete info here

[LibraryLover]

You are a good person. :grouphug:

 

 

 

Thank you for all the advice. I have never talked to the mother. Maybe a non-confrontational talk with her should be my first step. I hate to see him in this situation, but don't even know where I would put him. I guess we manage every weekend, we could do it if we had to.

 

He is upset right now and is hanging out downstairs with my ds. We are picking him up from school tomorrow and bringing him here. We told him we would sit down and have a talk about it tomorrow afternoon.

 

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer that we will do the right thing.

[MamaT]

This may absolutely NOT apply to you, but please consider what Elizabeth said above. I can guarantee you that everyone would be absolutely charmed by my youngest dd. She's such a great kid, so well behaved and wonderful, WHILE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND. She'll go out of her way to impress others. When nobody else is around, her behaviors are OUT OF CONTROL in a very sneaky and passive aggressive way.

 

This may not apply to your son's friend AT ALL, but I believe it's very dangerous to trust the kid alone. You really do need to talk to the mother. If it's true that they're all heavy drinkers, this kid has probably not had his needs met for a LONG time. He may have attachment issues. He may not, but because I now have to live the life I do, I can't help but think of these things. I wasn't going to respond initially, but I really hope you can talk to the mother. If what your son's friend says is true, then please do all you can to help him. But you're only hearing one side of the story right now and it may not be accurate or even true.

 

I fear situations like this. I never allow my dd to go to someone else's house without me, but I always worry about what she's telling her friends. She's only 7, but she's already made MANY false allegations about our family. It's horrible to live like this. HORRIBLE. She lies just as much as she tells the truth. Even when we go to friends houses and she steps out of the room with her friend, I'm always uneasy and even fearful, waiting for her to say or do something inappropriate or flat out lie.

 

If this kid truly does need help, I'm so glad he's found your family.

 

Denise - somehow last night I missed your post. I know that weekends are very different from him actually living here, and we will be watching him closely. My 16yo ds is VERY protective of his younger siblings as well. Your concerns are one of the reasons dh and I decided to ask him to stay here for a week first. I will be calling and talking with his mother this afternoon. I want to know her side of the story.

 

I'm so sorry you have to worry about what your dd says all the time. That must be nerve-wracking. :grouphug:

 

Here's what Findlaw said about NC's emancipation laws: http://family.findlaw.com/emancipation/state-emancipation-laws.html

North Carolina The age of majority in North Carolina is eighteen. A minor must be at least sixteen years of age in order to seek an order of emancipation from the court. The court will consider several factors including the parents' need for the minor's earnings as well as the minor's ability to accept adult responsibilities in determining the best interests of the minor.

 

If the emancipation is granted, the minor will have the adult rights to sign contracts, take part in law suits, and conduct other adult-related business. The parents' duties of support to the minor are thereby ended.

 

http://www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11364

More complete info here

 

Thanks for the info. Emancipation looks like it's for kids who are supporting themselves from what I see. I would have to have some type of guardianship to agree to him living with us.

[MIch elle]

He needs to meet with his school guidance counselor and tell the school his problems at home. They should be intervening on his behalf. This will give you outside verification of problems in his home without you contacting child services.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: