Friends wanting to deliver meals but we have an allergy...

[CAMom]

Hi there!

 

I have a situation on which I'd like some advice.:)

 

My husband had an urgent gallbladder removal two weeks ago today and then ended up with a blood clot in his arm due to an infiltrated IV which landed him back in the hospital. He's home now and has been since last Sunday.

 

We have very compassionate and generous friends who have all wanted to do something to help us. We've had many offers for meals which is so thoughtful especially since we're in the middle of a major renovation and I'm without a kitchen at the moment.

 

The problem is that my 4yo was recently diagnosed with a severe peanut allergy and a more moderate allergy to tree nuts.

 

My question is: How would you handle this? I don't want to seem ungrateful in any way! I also don't want people to stop offering forms of help because we reject meals.

 

To most people I've just said, "Thank you for offering but he's feeling fine and we're back on our feet now." To a very few I've explained that our food allergies are new to us and I haven't figured out how to work around them yet. I know people will say that they will prepare meals without nuts but most people have no clue as to what really contains nuts (or is processed on the same machines as nuts).

 

I really don't want to offend anyone and I'm not sure what to do.:confused:

 

Any advice?

[Desert Rat]

I would just let them know that you appreciate their kindness but that you're all set just now. Let them know you will holler if you need help and maybe ask them to swing by the store for groceries instead. That way you can moniter your allergies.

We have tree nut allergies here so I totally understand your dilemna.

[Lara in Colo]

Perhaps simply state it like you did here. I find most people are not offended by the facts or honesty. Food scares you right now and you would hate to waste it. Can they buy the groceries for you? Can they help with the housework? Can they mow the lawn (my personal favorite!!) Perhaps take Dh for a Dr appointent and you get a nap? Is there an allergy place (online or there) that caters? (I don't know-this is a guess or a wish --or a business opportunity)

 

Just some thoughts

 

Lara

[Chris in VA]

Would asking for a salad only help? No dressing?

 

Honestly, I think I'd just handle it the way you already are. I wouldn't want to take the risk, actually. Just let them know they are lovely to want to help.

 

Hope dh feels tip top soon!

[G5052]

My DH has complicated, chronic health issues, and when he had yet another surgery over two weeks ago, I politely declined all meals and help other than childcare. I've been here before, and accepting meals that fit our schedule and criteria was just way too complicated for me to deal with this time through. We don't have nut allergies, but I've had enough brought-in meals to know that sometimes it's not as much help as people think. It didn't kill us for me to make very simple meals during the peak post-surgical period and take the kids out to do errands and for lunch a few times when he needed quiet (obviously not an option for peanut allergy, but you get the idea).

 

You can politely say no to anything that will increase your load. Really.

Edited May 22, 2010 by GVA

[elise1mds]

Tell them that if they would be willing to do the shopping for you, you can handle the meal prep. I have one friend with an allergy list a mile long including peanuts/tree nuts. Me and two other friends know it well enough that she will eat our food, but it takes careful prep. True friends will understand that you need a while to get back on your feed regarding this new food regimen. My friend just added tomatoes to her list, and it's taking me a bit to get used to.

 

Alternatively, you could see if they're willing to make very simple meals like sloppy joes or chili (remind them to watch the breads and crackers if they want to provide those as well) and salads.

 

Just a random FYI, Betty Crocker products are made in nut-free facilities. Hershey's products are, too. So they could make you a dessert! :D

[May]

Sounds like you are handling it well. I've brought and offered meals to many people and some have declined for various reasons, allergies being one. I took no offense at their refusal. I would only say if you have other things they could help with, be prepared to say that. One person refused meals but then said they really could use someone to cut the grass. My dh was on it the next day.:001_smile:

[Tap]

Honestly, there is no way I would accept ANY food if my child had a serious peanut allergy. And I would assume your husband is on a restricted diet also. Why would you chance it? Just because it doesn't have peanuts in it, doesn't mean that they haven't touched it with peanut butter on their hands, etc.

 

DD3 has a complete milk/whey allergy and it is disturbing how many people don't understand that means she Can't have ANY milk products. She has been fed yogurt, butter, cheese and a myriad of other obvious foods by the day care she attends. The food staff understand, but the room attendants don't get it. One asked me the other day if she 'can have cream' (after she had be 'talked to' and 'had the allergy explained in detail' twice about giving her other dairy foods).

 

People just don't get it unless they have experience with food allergies. It isn't worth the risk. I don't understand why they are wanting to do this....You are not the one who is sick, he has been home for a while, so unless your dh is the main chef, I don't understand why they feel the need to bring meals?

 

Like others have mentioned...If someone says they want to help, maybe you can find a chore that needs to be done like mowing the grass, or something else that you can't do. Or, maybe you would like a little time away. Do you need someone to hang out with the kids/dh so you can go out for a few hours. Or if they are fine home alone, how about a girls night out?

[CAMom]

People just don't get it unless they have experience with food allergies. It isn't worth the risk. I don't understand why they are wanting to do this....You are not the one who is sick, he has been home for a while, so unless your dh is the main chef, I don't understand why they feel the need to bring meals?

 

 

 

They're offering meals (and they were offered while dh was in the hospital) mainly because my kitchen is in the middle of a major remodel. I have no sink, no stove, no oven right now. So, I'm not really able to prepare meals right now.

 

The allergy thing threw us for a loop since it was diagnosed once we'd already ripped our kitchen out. So, I'm trying to learn all about the allergies while not being able to make anything from scratch.

 

With the allergy dx and my husband's unexpected health issues both occurring during the middle of our house being in utter disarray, it's been a very overwhelming time and I'm really thankful that people want to do whatever they can for us.

 

I just don't want to end up inadvertently offending someone.

[Tap]

They're offering meals (and they were offered while dh was in the hospital) mainly because my kitchen is in the middle of a major remodel. I have no sink, no stove, no oven right now. So, I'm not really able to prepare meals right now.

 

The allergy thing threw us for a loop since it was diagnosed once we'd already ripped our kitchen out. So, I'm trying to learn all about the allergies while not being able to make anything from scratch.

 

With the allergy dx and my husband's unexpected health issues both occurring during the middle of our house being in utter disarray, it's been a very overwhelming time and I'm really thankful that people want to do whatever they can for us.

 

I just don't want to end up inadvertently offending someone.

 

 

Oh, I see. But, didn't you already have the plan for cooking in place before this happened? A hot plate, a microwave, a toaster oven, crock pot, rice cooker, etc?

 

I still would worry more about someone inadvertently poisoning my child than offending someone. A simple "Wow, thanks for the offer. I really appreciate it, but with ds's peanut allergy and dh's food restrictions, it would be incredibly hard for someone to cook for us right now. You, were so nice to think of us. It is hard to not have a kitchen, but we planned for it, so we are doing good. You know what has been hard though, is figuring out how to mow the lawn. I just can't get the mower started...."

or "You know what has been hard, I am sooo sick of being stuck in the house. I would love to go see xyz movie, have you seen it? Wanna go?..."

 

 

Otherwise, just accept the food, and then not feed it to ds. Kids are usually happy to have a custom meal, so then you are only cooking for one.

[Dana]

The allergy thing threw us for a loop since it was diagnosed once we'd already ripped our kitchen out. So, I'm trying to learn all about the allergies while not being able to make anything from scratch.

 

With the allergy dx and my husband's unexpected health issues both occurring during the middle of our house being in utter disarray, it's been a very overwhelming time and I'm really thankful that people want to do whatever they can for us.

 

 

:grouphug:

That's really rough :(

I don't know if it's possible to tell people that you're really still finding your footing with the allergies and are pretty paranoid while you're learning about it. I don't know how it'd work in practice, but I'd be comfortable telling my close friends that if they were willing to let me come over and prepare food in their kitchen, I'd appreciate it. Asking for groceries picked up is possible too.

 

Nuts are actually a bit easier to avoid than dairy and gluten. (We're dairy and nut free here and I'm SO thankful we don't have the gluten allergy.) I definitely wouldn't trust food prepared by anyone.

 

Some restaurants are good about being nut free - we just don't eat out due to the dairy. Check on their websites. FAAN (food allergy and anaphylaxis network) has good information as well. One of the best books I've read on dealing with food allergies was actually the Food Allergies for Dummies book.

 

Avoid ALL Chinese/Asian restaurants. Cross-contamination is too risky. And of course, Chic-fil-a fries in peanut oil.

 

Good luck! Hope the kitchen renovations go quickly!

(You may be able to do a good bit of "cooking" with a microwave oven - and lots of sandwiches!)

[radiobrain]

Otherwise, just accept the food, and then not feed it to ds. Kids are usually happy to have a custom meal, so then you are only cooking for one.

 

:iagree:

[CAMom]

 

 

Otherwise, just accept the food, and then not feed it to ds. Kids are usually happy to have a custom meal, so then you are only cooking for one.

 

Hmmmm.....is it advisable for me to do that? What about cross contamination? I'm probably extra paranoid right now but I thought we were supposed to be really careful about nothing with any chance of nuts being in it touching anything that my little guy eats.

 

I appreciate the input!:)

[sbgrace]

My son is tree nut allergic. His most serious anaphylaxis was nut cross contamination (we still don't know which nut but think cashew/pistachio) in a bread someone made for us.

 

Peanut and tree nut reactions are too serious to risk in my opinion. Tree nut can be hard to avoid as is, I assume, peanut. Tree nut cross contamination was pervasive in my foods including my oils when I called companies to check. They don't have to label for shared equipment. If your son has a cashew or pistachio allergy he may also react to sesame and that is even worse. Beyond that is kitchen cross contamination--it can be something as simple as a spatula wasn't cleaned well between peanut butter cookies. It's just not worth it.

 

What I would ask is for a friend to spread the word that because of his allergies food isn't possible but you need help in other specific areas (i.e. yard work for example).

[LibraryLover]

,

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would offer some very basic meal suggestions that use whole foods.

 

Chicken - baked with nothing on it (or perhaps only salt and pepper)

Rice

Bagged salad

 

Baked potatoes

Fish with garlic powder

Steamed carrots

[sbgrace]

I just noticed you have no kitchen. :grouphug: I remember how overwhelmed I felt with my son's diagnosis and that was with a kitchen. What/how are you feeding him?

 

Our allergist was very clear that we should have no tree nut in the house whether he eats it or not. We don't take that track with other food allergies--just his anaphylactic ones. In Dr. Wood's peanut allergy book he describes his own ana reaction (peanut). He was eating cookies prepared by another allergist who was well aware of his peanut allergy and how food allergies work. But even then they accidentally had cross contamination from peanut in their kitchen. I think it was serving dishes or something not properly washed.

I just don't think food is good. Have you found the kidswithfoodallergies forum? I wonder if people could give you names of convenience type foods that would be safe for peanut/tree nut. We're tree nut/sesame so I don't know what's safe for your son. But I imagine someone there could help. If your son isn't sesame allergic the field will be wider.

[CAMom]

I just noticed you have no kitchen. :grouphug: I remember how overwhelmed I felt with my son's diagnosis and that was with a kitchen. What/how are you feeding him?

 

Lots of single serve macaroni and cheese, cheese and crackers, yogurt, Nutrigrain bars and sandwiches. We've had to eat out a lot which makes me nervous.

 

In Dr. Wood's peanut allergy book he describes his own ana reaction (peanut). He was eating cookies prepared by another allergist who was well aware of his peanut allergy and how food allergies work. But even then they accidentally had cross contamination from peanut in their kitchen. I think it was serving dishes or something not properly washed.

 

I read that! It's part of what makes me as careful as I can be.

 

I just don't think food is good. Have you found the kidswithfoodallergies forum? I wonder if people could give you names of convenience type foods that would be safe for peanut/tree nut. We're tree nut/sesame so I don't know what's safe for your son. But I imagine someone there could help. If your son isn't sesame allergic the field will be wider.

 

I have found that forum and it's great!:)

 

I don't think he's sesame allergic. That wasn't something he was tested for.

 

He's cute, though. He's even starting to ask questions of servers in restaurants. He'll say, "Excuse me. What kind of oil are your chips cooked in." He also asks me before he eats anything that even I give him: "Mommy, did you read the label? Is that safe for me?" He's only 4.:)

 

The other day he asked if he could have some cornbread when we were out at a restaurant and I told him no because I couldn't be sure how it was made or what else it had touched. He said, "OK. When we get our kitchen back, will you make me some cornbread with no nuts?"

 

Thanks for all of the suggestions on how to handle this gracefully.

[Tap]

Hmmmm.....is it advisable for me to do that? What about cross contamination? I'm probably extra paranoid right now but I thought we were supposed to be really careful about nothing with any chance of nuts being in it touching anything that my little guy eats.

 

I appreciate the input!:)

 

 

No, I don't really think it is advisable. Cross-contamination is possible and can have deadly consequences. Ultimately, you must make this decision. You seem to want to have someone say it is okay for you to do this. You want your friend's help, and to make them feel good about it. That is great and a normal response in a typical household...you are no longer a 'typical household'.

 

I don't intend this to sound rude, but I am not in a 'find the nice way to say something' mental place today. So here it goes.

 

You seem to be worried about not offending the people who are offering you food. I don't really understand why this is an issue. You are going to deal with this the rest of his time with you. You must decide which is more important, his safety or your friend's feelings. You have already made basic accommodations to prepare meals. Okay, so you can't have peanuts or tree nuts. He can still have butter and jam sandwiches... not great but for the time being, you can make due. You can't have beans, so no bean burritos...okay make tacos with meat, rice and the toppings instead. You can make simple tuna or chicken salad sandwiches. You can make salads with just about anything! It isn't going to be easy, but you are a very smart mom, you will figure it out! You will get to a point that it is second nature for you to question everything. Right now, the most important thing you have in your corner is Control. You need to embrace the times that you have Total Control over the food he puts in his mouth. You need to embrace the comfort that comes from knowing your house is peanut/tree nut free. Your home will become the 'allergy sanctuary' and the sooner you will find a confidence to not let Any thing, or Any One break that barrier, the sooner you can appreciate the peace that comes with that.

 

So, my true advice is all over my posts. NO way would I let someone bring food into my sanctuary. I wouldn't even give their feelings a second thought (beyond being polite in my declination). If your child is likely to have an anaphylactic reaction, you are essentially playing Russian Roulette, just letting your friends load the gun.

 

If you are desperate and really feel that this is the only solution...then accept the meals and make him something else. Yes, cross contamination is possible. But if you are smart about it (don't let him eat or even touch the container) you can minimize the chance he will react to it. If this is a new discovery and you house is tore up, I doubt your house is totally peanut/tree nut free yet anyways. He will be living in a world with nut allergies most likely his entire life, so unless you are going to cocoon him, he will have incidental exposures. I would just make darn sure that it wasn't preventable! (Hence, my recommendation that you don't bring it in the house in the first place).

 

 

I truly don't believe that you, in any way, are downplaying this. I just think that you haven't had the close calls, and experiences with other people yet, to realize that, most people, just do not really get how serious this is. They also are not educated on just how many foods, peanuts/tree nuts are in. They don't understand that all it takes is a brush with a peanut for some people to react. It just can't be conveyed in a simple conversation of what is acceptable to bring and what is not.

 

 

I am sorry you have soo much on your plate at this time. I hope you find some simple dishes you can prepare that can become staple quick meals for you. I hope your dh gets well. I hope that your remodel goes well. I hope you never, ever have to see your son have a reaction that you can't stop. I hope that you find the gumption to tell you friends "Thanks, but no, we're doing fine".

[Oakblossoms]

Could you find out some frozen or snack foods that people could bring? Things that couldn't be contaminated and yet you could still prepare it.

[Oakblossoms]

http://www.amys.com/special_diets/peanuts.php

 

I really love Amy's products. Can you get those where you live?

[CAMom]

You seem to want to have someone say it is okay for you to do this. You want your friend's help, and to make them feel good about it. That is great and a normal response in a typical household...you are no longer a 'typical household'.

 

I'm probably taking this much harsher than you meant it because I am really sick right now with a upper respiratory thing accompanied by body aches but...no! I don't want someone to tell me it's OK to do it! I want real advice from people who have been there!

 

Literally, this diagnosis is about 5 weeks old! It turned my world upside down knowing that my little boy could potentially die from this! I'm extra sensitive because I've already watched one of my children die right in front of my eyes. So, I understand the seriousness.

 

You seem to be worried about not offending the people who are offering you food. I don't really understand why this is an issue. You are going to deal with this the rest of his time with you. You must decide which is more important, his safety or your friend's feelings.

 

I am not more concerned about my friends' feelings than my son's safety. All I'm trying to do is find a way to be gracious about it.

 

So, my true advice is all over my posts. NO way would I let someone bring food into my sanctuary. I wouldn't even give their feelings a second thought (beyond being polite in my declination). If your child is likely to have an anaphylactic reaction, you are essentially playing Russian Roulette, just letting your friends load the gun.

 

OK. I get it. I'm not mom of the year.

 

If you are desperate and really feel that this is the only solution...then accept the meals and make him something else. Yes, cross contamination is possible. But if you are smart about it (don't let him eat or even touch the container) you can minimize the chance he will react to it. If this is a new discovery and you house is tore up, I doubt your house is totally peanut/tree nut free yet anyways. He will be living in a world with nut allergies most likely his entire life, so unless you are going to cocoon him, he will have incidental exposures. I would just make darn sure that it wasn't preventable! (Hence, my recommendation that you don't bring it in the house in the first place).

 

I'm not desperate. I had some very wonderful and generous friends offering me meals at a time when my husband was very ill in the hospital. I was stressed by that, I'm stressed having half of my house under construction and I'm stressed having a brand new allergy diagnosis while my house is torn up. I was just asking for a little help on how to think through it and be gracious the next time this comes up because it will come up.

 

I thought maybe another allergy mom may have dealt with this and may have a suggestion on how to communicate that although we can't accept food, we appreciate the thoughtfulness. That's it. I'm not asking for permission to put my kid in danger.

 

Some of the moms had very helpful suggestions on how to handle it.

 

I hope that you find the gumption to tell you friends "Thanks, but no, we're doing fine".

 

I have the gumption. I was just hoping to be nice about it.:confused: In fact in my OP I said: "To most people I've just said, "Thank you for offering but he's feeling fine and we're back on our feet now." To a very few I've explained that our food allergies are new to us and I haven't figured out how to work around them yet."

 

 

 

It's been a really hard and overwhelming time.

Edited May 23, 2010 by CAMom

[CAMom]

Oh...and for the record, I did not accept any help in the form of meals through this trial so I did not put my little guy in danger.

[sbgrace]

OP :grouphug: I'm sorry that response added to the yuck in your life right now.

 

You're under so much pressure and stress. I feel for you.

 

FWIW, I didn't even remotely get the impression you were wanting permission to put him at risk or whatever.

 

Someone linked Amy's above. A lot of their products seem to have manufactured with tree nut warnings however if you call they've been really good about telling me if it really could have tree nut cross. Some aren't on lines/equipment/rooms with tree nuts even though they have warnings. Enjoy Life foods are going to be safe for him.

 

You'll get through this and in time the nut avoidance thing will be second nature. He sounds like the kind of kid who will be careful.

 

Can a friend spread the word that due to life threatening food allergies meals aren't helpful but you continue to appreciate thoughts and prayers or something like that? If there is anything you do need help with (like mowing) I would add that. People want to help.

Edited May 23, 2010 by sbgrace

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ronette,

 

Once you are feeling better, would it perhaps work to borrow a friend's kitchen for the day? You know, go over there and cook up a bunch of stuff that you could assemble later? You could take some of your own cookware to avoid cross - contamination.

 

Just trying to think outside the box. . .

[CAMom]

Ronette,

 

Once you are feeling better, would it perhaps work to borrow a friend's kitchen for the day? You know, go over there and cook up a bunch of stuff that you could assemble later? You could take some of your own cookware to avoid cross - contamination.

 

Just trying to think outside the box. . .

 

Yes!:) That would work! I have a neighbor who I'm sure would be happy to let me use her kitchen.

 

Thanks! You know, sometimes when things are hard, you just can't think.:)

[rafiki]

.

[CAMom]

http://www.amys.com/special_diets/peanuts.php

 

I really love Amy's products. Can you get those where you live?

 

Looks like it would be no problem to find these products. I checked the site and there are stores all around here that carry them.

 

Thanks.:)

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry about the diagnosis. I remember that feeling of absolute DREAD after we got it for our d.s.. I remember thinking about how much the diagnosis would change our lives - no more eating out. No more vacations. Nothing. It was an awful time. But, you will get used to it. You'll find restaurants you can trust. We found a Disney vacation to be one we could trust (they are AMAZING with food allergies - FYI!).

 

About your current situation - I don't know. How bad is the allergy? Is it bad enough that he can't breathe it in? Be in the same room? My d.s. can be in the same room. He just cannot eat it. So, we have accepted meals from friends when they offered. I mean, if you explain this to a friend and ask that they wash all utensils, pots, pans, etc before they use them - with a new scrubber - and if they don't use nuts, he should be okay - right? Of course, you'd need to be able to trust the friend completely. Ask that they bring over labels.

 

Or could the friend bring over the meal for you and dh and then your d.s. could have something else?

[hsmom2girls]

How about if you explain the allergies situation and tell them you would accept use of their "kitchen" to prepare food for your family. Since you don't have a kitchen you can use theirs. You can tell them it's all new to you about the allergies so you would not want to burden someone else trying to figure out all the in's and out of this situation but use of their kitchen would help tremendously.

[littleWMN]

I'm probably taking this much harsher than you meant it because I am really sick right now with a upper respiratory thing accompanied by body aches but...no! I don't want someone to tell me it's OK to do it! I want real advice from people who have been there!

 

Literally, this diagnosis is about 5 weeks old! It turned my world upside down knowing that my little boy could potentially die from this! I'm extra sensitive because I've already watched one of my children die right in front of my eyes. So, I understand the seriousness.

 

 

 

I am not more concerned about my friends' feelings than my son's safety. All I'm trying to do is find a way to be gracious about it.

 

 

 

OK. I get it. I'm not mom of the year.

 

 

 

I'm not desperate. I had some very wonderful and generous friends offering me meals at a time when my husband was very ill in the hospital. I was stressed by that, I'm stressed having half of my house under construction and I'm stressed having a brand new allergy diagnosis while my house is torn up. I was just asking for a little help on how to think through it and be gracious the next time this comes up because it will come up.

 

I thought maybe another allergy mom may have dealt with this and may have a suggestion on how to communicate that although we can't accept food, we appreciate the thoughtfulness. That's it. I'm not asking for permission to put my kid in danger.

 

Some of the moms had very helpful suggestions on how to handle it.

 

 

 

I have the gumption. I was just hoping to be nice about it.:confused: In fact in my OP I said: "To most people I've just said, "Thank you for offering but he's feeling fine and we're back on our feet now." To a very few I've explained that our food allergies are new to us and I haven't figured out how to work around them yet."

 

 

 

It's been a really hard and overwhelming time.

 

:grouphug: I have Celiac and can't have gluten and I understand where you are coming from. You want to respond in a gracious way without implying that your friends are incompetant. If you do accept, then you worry about putting friends to extra trouble and ESPECIALLY about your son. HUGS I thought it was a legitimate question having been there myself recently.

[Anne]

I arrange help and meals for people in our church. Although I always ask about allergies and food preferences, I would totally understand if someone had the sort of situation that you have.

 

Our goal is always to *help* someone - if something we do isn't helpful, then we're not succeeding!

 

I wouldn't have any trouble finding people to provide transportation or other help for you or bring specific pantry staples, rather than a homemade meal.

 

So, don't hesitate to tell your friends what you've told us - they will understand!

 

:grouphug:

 

Anne