Prayer request for my idiot alcoholic brother and my family

[Jennifer in MI]

I have this brother who has struggled with alcoholism. He was just sober for 4 months and mom and dad got the call that he was in the hospital again. His blood alcohol level was .499. They couldn't believe he was alive. Actually, he's barely alive (he was in a coma), but they do think he'll pull through.

 

If you're the praying type, would you mind saying a few for my brother? It's getting harder and harder for me to do it (but I try). My parents could use a few prayers too.

 

And, if any of you have dealt with this, how do you forgive? How do you deal with this? I'm SO scared he's going to hurt someone (he's been arrested twice for DUI). He's got a wonderful, gorgeous wife who is scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to drink himself to death. He's got a dd. (9) and a d.s. (2). I just want this situation to go away.

 

When he's not drinking, he's a really great guy. He's very successful, when he can keep a job. What a waste.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have a sister on the other side of addiction, she's doing much better now. I think forgiveness comes with repentance and turning your life around. Sending up a prayer for you and your family. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: and prayers.

[Jennifer in MI]

I have a sister on the other side of addiction, she's doing much better now. I think forgiveness comes with repentance and turning your life around. Sending up a prayer for you and your family. :grouphug:

 

It's such a common disease, isn't it? :grouphug: to you too. I'm glad to hear your sis is better now.

 

Apparently, once an alcoholic gets to the point of seizures and coma, they have less than a 20% chance of recovering. I don't have much hope that he will survive this. I really think he's going to die from one of these binges. I pray for him, but he's disappointed us SO many times. This has been going on for 20 years with him.

[Mrs Mungo]

My sister wasn't an alcoholic, she had a different addiction. Has he considered AA? It gets a bad rap in some groups but it really helped my sister.

 

I hope your brother comes through and that this is the rock-bottom wake-up he needs to start getting his life together.

[Gooblink]

There but by the grace of God, go I. :) I come from a long heritage of alcoholism...not sure how I escaped, but I know how devestating it can be. Most (in fact, I can only think of one exception) of the deaths in my family have been premature and the result of alcohol use/abuse.

 

I am the praying type, and am lifting your family in my prayers.

 

We forgive because God forgave us. No matter how badly you may feel your brother is behaving, we've all fallen far short of holy yet, while we were sinners, Christ died for us. :)

 

That said, forgiveness isn't of your own power, but comes from God. Pray that He grant you the power to forgive.

 

I hope that doesn't sound preachy - not meant to be - just what I've come to learn the hard way.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your whole family. I have a cousin who repeatedly does this to her family, too. I will say a prayer for all of you.

[lllll]

..

[Starr]

Sometimes it's so hard to pray; that's why we have friends. I'll pray for all of you. We have our share of drugs, alcohol, living and dying. I'm so sorry.

[dansamy]

:grouphug: I know how hard it is. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer. I think that while they are struggling with addiction, you offer support when they need it: a shoulder or an ear. You maintain a presence in their lives.

 

It's important to remember that just like a non-compliant diabetic who lands in ICU for DKA, he's genuinely sick, but he did do this to himself. Like you, it's hard for me to muster up a lot of sympathy for a person in that position. So I don't.

 

When the patient starts asking about how to avoid this or how to get better, I am honest about what they need to do to stay healthy. I am very straightforward with my patients and I tell them that in order to get better you have to do xyz. You're going to continue being ill until you make these changes. Most of the time it falls on deaf ears.

 

He has to be ready to make a change in himself for himself. All you can do is provide support, encouragement and your love until then. (Don't loan him money or bail him out either. If the kids need milk or diapers, buy them and take them to your SIL.)

 

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I had an addicted father and an alcoholic step-father. As a result, I've never been drunk even once and I am almost 35.

[Stacy in NJ]

He did the AA thing when I was about 4 years old. I have no memory of him drunk, although my older brother and sisters certainly do. He died at the age of 65 after 20 years of sobriety.

 

Change is possible, keep praying.

[Liz CA]

Sometimes forgiveness seems harder when there seems to be no hope of change and one strongly suspects that the same type of behavior will repeat itself over and over.

You are supposed to forgive (you already know that :)) but you don't need to travel down the path of "everything will be different now..." if it does not look like it will. I think I would have to grieve the loss of a brother who wasted his potential and come to grips with the fact that this is what he chose for his life.

 

Having said all that, has he ever committed himself to a long term treatment facility such as "New Life Recovery" or any other reputable places? Would he be willing after this latest episode to consider this for a last ditch effort to save his life and family? If not, his wife may have to leave on a trial separation to see if this opens his eyes. Sometimes drastic things need to happen before someone realizes how destructive their behavior is.

 

Praying for you and your family and hoping there will be someone who can suggest to him to consider in-patient treatment and rigorous follow-up with accountability partners. AA is probably a good place to be, for his family who suffers from his behavior, there is ALANON. (I think that is what it's called, perhaps someone will either correct it or confirm it.)

 

:grouphug:

 

[Chris in VA]

To forgive my son I've had to work some of the AA steps myself.

Step one is acknowledging that my life has become unmanageble and that I have no control over his addiction. (That's a paraphrase.)

 

I'm sorry Jennifer. It's so hard. My bro died as a result of lymphoma, but it was an indirect result of alcoholism, too, which isn't even acknowledged in my family.

 

Walk in the light, live in the truth, and remember we all have stuff to work on. Never compare.

 

hugs.

[elegantlion]

Another issue he needs to consider if what would happen should he be involved in another DUI, aside from the fact he could injure himself or others. I know some states are cracking down on repeat offenders, ours is all over the TV. Jail time is a real possibility. Is he prepared to spend time behind bars? :grouphug: Hopefully this will be his bottom.

[Impish]

Praying for you :grouphug: and him,his family

[Mejane]

I'm sorry. It seems every family has someone like this who doesn't get that their choices affect others, too.

 

It really is about hitting that individual bottom. I hope he turns himself around for everyone's sake.

[StartingOver]

He's got a wonderful, gorgeous wife who is scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to drink himself to death.

 

 

This is exactly what stopped my husbands drinking. I walked out, he stopped cold a week later. He had been drinking for 25 years at that time.

 

There is hope, he just has to hit rock bottom. :grouphug:

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

And, if any of you have dealt with this, how do you forgive? How do you deal with this? I'm SO scared he's going to hurt someone (he's been arrested twice for DUI). He's got a wonderful, gorgeous wife who is scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to drink himself to death. He's got a dd. (9) and a d.s. (2). I just want this situation to go away.

 

When he's not drinking, he's a really great guy. He's very successful, when he can keep a job. What a waste.

 

My dad is an alcoholic in recovery. The addiction definitely took its toll on our family. I was one who was never going to forgive my father. Never. From my earliest memories, I knew his behavior was wrong and I was so angry that he kept making the same choices even though he knew those choices would bring worse and worse consequences for our family.

 

I remember him apologizing time after time after time and I remember looking him in the eyes when I was about 8 years old and saying that he didn't get to apologize anymore because you're supposed to not do it again if you're really sorry.

 

My reasoning for not wanting to forgive him for most of my life was similar to this...

 

It's important to remember that just like a non-compliant diabetic who lands in ICU for DKA, he's genuinely sick, but he did do this to himself. Like you, it's hard for me to muster up a lot of sympathy for a person in that position. So I don't.

 

When the patient starts asking about how to avoid this or how to get better, I am honest about what they need to do to stay healthy. I am very straightforward with my patients and I tell them that in order to get better you have to do xyz. You're going to continue being ill until you make these changes. Most of the time it falls on deaf ears.

 

 

But I have forgiven him. What did it take for me to finally forgive him for the person he was for my entire childhood? A class I took in addiction counseling for my Masters in Social Work. That was a very painful class for me to take, as my dad was not yet in recovery at the time. I cannot remember the title but I had to read a book for that class about the physical nature of alcoholism. Most people, including the little girl in me, naively don't understand why the addict just can't stop. Their bodies fight them tooth and nail. That's why there is Alanon and AA and it's also why the failure rate is so high. The advice to quit isn't so much falling on deaf ears as it is being drowned out by thoughts about alcohol and the alcoholics own body bombarding itself with cravings that they experience to the bones.

 

This is not an excuse for the behavior. This is just the reason it's so hard to quit. It's the reason I was finally able to forgive my dad, even before he quit. They still have to find a way to stop.

 

It's not what most people commonly think though--that addicts don't love their families, children, etc. enough to stop. I always used to wonder why my dad didn't love us enough to stop. It's just hard. It is a physical addiction, not just an emotional one and it's also a cycle. The worse it gets physically, the worse it gets emotionally and so on and on...

 

Change is possible, keep praying.

 

Yes. And I'll pray.

[sparrow]

:grouphug: Prayers for you and your family. It is SO hard to deal with someone who time and time again makes selfish decisions that hurt their family...sometimes beyond repair.

 

My FIL is an alcoholic whose last binge left him hospitalized for 4 days in March. Unfortunately, it was also 4 days before my MIL was scheduled to go to the hospital for testing prior to beginning a round of radiation for the breast cancer she was just diagnosed as having. (She's doing well, btw:001_smile:) My dh has always had a somewhat superficial relationship with his dad, but this one sealed the deal. I've seen him withdraw from the relationship even further. Who can blame him and I doubt it will ever get fixed :crying:.

 

I am truly sorry your family is dealing with this.

[dansamy]

My reasoning for not wanting to forgive him for most of my life was similar to this...

 

 

 

But I have forgiven him. What did it take for me to finally forgive him for the person he was for my entire childhood? A class I took in addiction counseling for my Masters in Social Work. That was a very painful class for me to take, as my dad was not yet in recovery at the time. I cannot remember the title but I had to read a book for that class about the physical nature of alcoholism. Most people, including the little girl in me, naively don't understand why the addict just can't stop. Their bodies fight them tooth and nail. That's why there is Alanon and AA and it's also why the failure rate is so high. The advice to quit isn't so much falling on deaf ears as it is being drowned out by thoughts about alcohol and the alcoholics own body bombarding itself with cravings that they experience to the bones.

 

This is not an excuse for the behavior. This is just the reason it's so hard to quit. It's the reason I was finally able to forgive my dad, even before he quit. They still have to find a way to stop.

 

It's not what most people commonly think though--that addicts don't love their families, children, etc. enough to stop. I always used to wonder why my dad didn't love us enough to stop. It's just hard. It is a physical addiction, not just an emotional one and it's also a cycle. The worse it gets physically, the worse it gets emotionally and so on and on...

 

Oh no. I don't advise my patients to "just quit". I advise them to get some help. Which they need. And when I have a patient who is honest with me about how much alcohol they drink, I'll be the first one on the phone with their doc to get something to help them through the DTs that I know are coming. The physical addiction of alcoholism has very real and serious effects on the body.

[Jennifer in MI]

My sister wasn't an alcoholic, she had a different addiction. Has he considered AA? It gets a bad rap in some groups but it really helped my sister.

 

I hope your brother comes through and that this is the rock-bottom wake-up he needs to start getting his life together.

 

Yes. He's been to AA. Numerous times. He got through step one, once.

 

I just don't get it. You'd think that for a snob like my brother (he's all about appearances and looking good), jail would've been that rock bottom. Twice. Jail. My parents refused to bail him out. I think it was the hardest decision they ever had to make.

 

There but by the grace of God, go I. :) I come from a long heritage of alcoholism...not sure how I escaped, but I know how devestating it can be. Most (in fact, I can only think of one exception) of the deaths in my family have been premature and the result of alcohol use/abuse.

 

I am the praying type, and am lifting your family in my prayers.

 

We forgive because God forgave us. No matter how badly you may feel your brother is behaving, we've all fallen far short of holy yet, while we were sinners, Christ died for us. :)

 

That said, forgiveness isn't of your own power, but comes from God. Pray that He grant you the power to forgive.

 

I hope that doesn't sound preachy - not meant to be - just what I've come to learn the hard way.

 

I'm in tears here. I needed this reminder. Not at all preachy. I WANT to forgive him. I'm just not sure how.

 

I come from a line of alcoholics too. My mom's dad. My dad's dad. My dh's grandpa, dad, dh, and two brothers. I fear for my children.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your whole family. I have a cousin who repeatedly does this to her family, too. I will say a prayer for all of you.

 

Thank you.

 

:grouphug: Sure, I'll pray for them. I have a brother like that, only his was more drugs than alcohol. It never really affected me directly though, because he hid it when we were all teens. I never hear from him anymore. I pretty sure he has brain damage from all the years of abusing his body/brain. Such a waste ...

 

Waste. That's the word I keep coming back to. My brother is such a GREAT guy. He's got such charisma. I swear he could be president!!! I'm sorry for you and your brother.

 

Sometimes it's so hard to pray; that's why we have friends. I'll pray for all of you. We have our share of drugs, alcohol, living and dying. I'm so sorry.

 

Thank you.

 

:grouphug: I know how hard it is. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer. I think that while they are struggling with addiction, you offer support when they need it: a shoulder or an ear. You maintain a presence in their lives.

 

It's important to remember that just like a non-compliant diabetic who lands in ICU for DKA, he's genuinely sick, but he did do this to himself. Like you, it's hard for me to muster up a lot of sympathy for a person in that position. So I don't.

 

When the patient starts asking about how to avoid this or how to get better, I am honest about what they need to do to stay healthy. I am very straightforward with my patients and I tell them that in order to get better you have to do xyz. You're going to continue being ill until you make these changes. Most of the time it falls on deaf ears.

 

He has to be ready to make a change in himself for himself. All you can do is provide support, encouragement and your love until then. (Don't loan him money or bail him out either. If the kids need milk or diapers, buy them and take them to your SIL.)

 

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I had an addicted father and an alcoholic step-father. As a result, I've never been drunk even once and I am almost 35.

 

Nope not harsh. At all. This is how I feel. Yes, once he takes that first drink, it's beyond his control. But, the choice to take that first drink is ALL his. Why does he do it????

 

Thank you for your perspective. And, I definitely won't ever lend him money or bail him out. Ever. I told him that after his first arrest.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry.

 

I have close relatives who have struggled with addictions. I have also mentored a few people over the years who chose to walk away from all the love and support surrounding them to party in the ghetto instead. It hurts.

 

It's so hard to forgive when the condition is ongoing. I struggle with it myself. I have hung in there with two close family members--others, not so much. Addiction changes a person so thoroughly that I have only ever been able to stay in the game with those two family members who were/are very, very dear to me. Even with them I have had to shut the door of my heart at times. Thankfully, both of those family members are now sober and have been for years--but the years of addiction were excruciating for all of us.

 

I don't know what to tell you about forgiveness. I have had to seesaw between closing my heart away at times, and leaning on God for the strength to walk the path with the ones I love. Sometimes it's easier because it's been so many years, and other times the weight of the years and the bitterness of those times really hampers my ability to truly forgive. For me, it's truly been a matter of wrestling this out with God, as many times as it takes.

 

I will pray for you.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

It's so hard to forgive when the condition is ongoing.

 

This is the truth. Even though I did forgive my dad when it was still ongoing, I was also 600 miles away at the time and wasn't being personally affected on a day-to-day basis anymore. I imagine it is much harder to forgive while you're still watching it firsthand.

[Jennifer in MI]

He did the AA thing when I was about 4 years old. I have no memory of him drunk, although my older brother and sisters certainly do. He died at the age of 65 after 20 years of sobriety.

 

Change is possible, keep praying.

 

:grouphug: My dh remembers his father drunk. Such scary, horrible memories. I do know change is possible. I've just given up hope.

 

Sometimes forgiveness seems harder when there seems to be no hope of change and one strongly suspects that the same type of behavior will repeat itself over and over.

You are supposed to forgive (you already know that :)) but you don't need to travel down the path of "everything will be different now..." if it does not look like it will. I think I would have to grieve the loss of a brother who wasted his potential and come to grips with the fact that this is what he chose for his life.

 

Having said all that, has he ever committed himself to a long term treatment facility such as "New Life Recovery" or any other reputable places? Would he be willing after this latest episode to consider this for a last ditch effort to save his life and family? If not, his wife may have to leave on a trial separation to see if this opens his eyes. Sometimes drastic things need to happen before someone realizes how destructive their behavior is.

 

Praying for you and your family and hoping there will be someone who can suggest to him to consider in-patient treatment and rigorous follow-up with accountability partners. AA is probably a good place to be, for his family who suffers from his behavior, there is ALANON. (I think that is what it's called, perhaps someone will either correct it or confirm it.)

 

:grouphug:

 

 

THANK YOU!!! I never thought of this as a grieving process for me. Yes. That's it!! Each and every time this happens, I grieve the loss of that brother with SUCH potential.

 

I'm off to research New Life Recovery. And, I'm looking for an Alanon meeting (yes, you got the name right).

 

My brother's wife has left. She left him for a year. She only took him back at the beginning of the year on the condition that he stay sober. Well, we know how that ended up. . .

 

To forgive my son I've had to work some of the AA steps myself.

Step one is acknowledging that my life has become unmanageble and that I have no control over his addiction. (That's a paraphrase.)

 

I'm sorry Jennifer. It's so hard. My bro died as a result of lymphoma, but it was an indirect result of alcoholism, too, which isn't even acknowledged in my family.

 

Walk in the light, live in the truth, and remember we all have stuff to work on. Never compare.

 

hugs.

 

I never knew lymphoma was a result of alcoholism. I'm so sorry to hear of your brother. I ache every time you post about your d.s.. I'm SO sorry. You are so strong. I admire you. Did you go to AA to learn how to do this?

 

Compare. Hmmmmm. Do you think by my judging my brother, I'm comparing his sin to mine? Seriously. This is something I've not thought of. His sin is somehow worse than mine. Wow. Is that what I've thought? Lots to think about.

 

Another issue he needs to consider if what would happen should he be involved in another DUI, aside from the fact he could injure himself or others. I know some states are cracking down on repeat offenders, ours is all over the TV. Jail time is a real possibility. Is he prepared to spend time behind bars? :grouphug: Hopefully this will be his bottom.

 

Well, if facing jail time were the rock bottom, I think he'd be there. He's been arrested twice. He was absolutely desperate the last time. He knew he was facing jail time. He begged my parents for the money for bail and for a lawyer. They refused. My brother had the audacity to acuse them of not caring. He got off. I swear my brother has the charisma of a politician. He really missed his calling. He can talk his way out of anything.

 

Unfortunately, if the fear of jail time would scare him, I think it would have done it by now.

 

Praying for you :grouphug: and him,his family

 

Thank you.

 

I'm sorry. It seems every family has someone like this who doesn't get that their choices affect others, too.

 

It really is about hitting that individual bottom. I hope he turns himself around for everyone's sake.

 

Thank you.

 

This is exactly what stopped my husbands drinking. I walked out, he stopped cold a week later. He had been drinking for 25 years at that time.

 

There is hope, he just has to hit rock bottom. :grouphug:

 

My SIL did walk out. Just over a year ago. My brother and she "dated" while they lived apart. He was good for a while. She's moved out again.

 

I'm so happy things worked out for you and dh!! It's inspiring. My dh's dad did the same thing. My MIL had bags packed for her and all the kids and she threatened him one day. He sobered up THAT DAY. Those bags were empty, BTW.

 

My dad is an alcoholic in recovery. The addiction definitely took its toll on our family. I was one who was never going to forgive my father. Never. From my earliest memories, I knew his behavior was wrong and I was so angry that he kept making the same choices even though he knew those choices would bring worse and worse consequences for our family.

 

I remember him apologizing time after time after time and I remember looking him in the eyes when I was about 8 years old and saying that he didn't get to apologize anymore because you're supposed to not do it again if you're really sorry.

 

My reasoning for not wanting to forgive him for most of my life was similar to this...

 

 

 

But I have forgiven him. What did it take for me to finally forgive him for the person he was for my entire childhood? A class I took in addiction counseling for my Masters in Social Work. That was a very painful class for me to take, as my dad was not yet in recovery at the time. I cannot remember the title but I had to read a book for that class about the physical nature of alcoholism. Most people, including the little girl in me, naively don't understand why the addict just can't stop. Their bodies fight them tooth and nail. That's why there is Alanon and AA and it's also why the failure rate is so high. The advice to quit isn't so much falling on deaf ears as it is being drowned out by thoughts about alcohol and the alcoholics own body bombarding itself with cravings that they experience to the bones.

 

This is not an excuse for the behavior. This is just the reason it's so hard to quit. It's the reason I was finally able to forgive my dad, even before he quit. They still have to find a way to stop.

 

It's not what most people commonly think though--that addicts don't love their families, children, etc. enough to stop. I always used to wonder why my dad didn't love us enough to stop. It's just hard. It is a physical addiction, not just an emotional one and it's also a cycle. The worse it gets physically, the worse it gets emotionally and so on and on...

 

 

 

Yes. And I'll pray.

 

Thank you for sharing. This is what I find so hard. I need to forgive before he quits. Before he asks for forgiveness. I DO get that it is hard. It's in his bones. I don't get how he's able to see how it's ruining his family (two of them - he's divorced from his first wife). What does it take? I don't get that. I want to understand. I do. I just don't. He knows he can't take that first drink. He knows when he does, he can't stop. My God! His last blood alcohol test showed a .499!!! Ack. How much do you have to drink to get THAT high a level????

 

I'm sorry for you and your dad. I can't imagine growing up with that. When did he finally quit?

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug: Prayers for you and your family. It is SO hard to deal with someone who time and time again makes selfish decisions that hurt their family...sometimes beyond repair.

 

My FIL is an alcoholic whose last binge left him hospitalized for 4 days in March. Unfortunately, it was also 4 days before my MIL was scheduled to go to the hospital for testing prior to beginning a round of radiation for the breast cancer she was just diagnosed as having. (She's doing well, btw:001_smile:) My dh has always had a somewhat superficial relationship with his dad, but this one sealed the deal. I've seen him withdraw from the relationship even further. Who can blame him and I doubt it will ever get fixed :crying:.

 

I am truly sorry your family is dealing with this.

 

Wow. Your poor dh. Sounds like he grew up with this too. I'm so happy to hear that your MIL is doing well. I'm so sad for your dh and the relationship with is father. :grouphug:

 

Oh no. I don't advise my patients to "just quit". I advise them to get some help. Which they need. And when I have a patient who is honest with me about how much alcohol they drink, I'll be the first one on the phone with their doc to get something to help them through the DTs that I know are coming. The physical addiction of alcoholism has very real and serious effects on the body.

 

:grouphug:

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry.

 

I have close relatives who have struggled with addictions. I have also mentored a few people over the years who chose to walk away from all the love and support surrounding them to party in the ghetto instead. It hurts.

 

It's so hard to forgive when the condition is ongoing. I struggle with it myself. I have hung in there with two close family members--others, not so much. Addiction changes a person so thoroughly that I have only ever been able to stay in the game with those two family members who were/are very, very dear to me. Even with them I have had to shut the door of my heart at times. Thankfully, both of those family members are now sober and have been for years--but the years of addiction were excruciating for all of us.

 

I don't know what to tell you about forgiveness. I have had to seesaw between closing my heart away at times, and leaning on God for the strength to walk the path with the ones I love. Sometimes it's easier because it's been so many years, and other times the weight of the years and the bitterness of those times really hampers my ability to truly forgive. For me, it's truly been a matter of wrestling this out with God, as many times as it takes.

 

I will pray for you.

 

:grouphug:

 

I totally understand the seesaw!! I do this. I close my heart. I SAY I don't care. But, I do. I care about my brother. I care about the potential. I care about his wife. I care about my parents. God. What if this were one of my own? it's easy to forgive when he's sober. Right now, it's HARD. Forgiveness is not a one time thing, is it? I guess it's ongoing. Maybe that's my struggle. Continuing to forgive.

 

This is the truth. Even though I did forgive my dad when it was still ongoing, I was also 600 miles away at the time and wasn't being personally affected on a day-to-day basis anymore. I imagine it is much harder to forgive while you're still watching it firsthand.

 

Maybe so. I don't have first-hand contact with my brother much. I hear about him through my parents or another sibling. I can't hear his excuses. Be drawn in to his charisma. Believe in him once again. I just can't. He always disappoints.

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I will pray for all of you -- so sorry you are going through this.:grouphug:

[aggieamy]

I'll add you to my prayer list. Everyone else has such hopeful stories and encouraging words - all I have are hugs and a cyber shoulder to try on. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[asta]

I just don't get it. You'd think that for a snob like my brother (he's all about appearances and looking good), jail would've been that rock bottom. Twice. Jail. My parents refused to bail him out. I think it was the hardest decision they ever had to make.

 

I'm in tears here. I needed this reminder. Not at all preachy. I WANT to forgive him. I'm just not sure how.

 

I come from a line of alcoholics too. My mom's dad. My dad's dad. My dh's grandpa, dad, dh, and two brothers. I fear for my children.

 

[...]

 

Waste. That's the word I keep coming back to. My brother is such a GREAT guy. He's got such charisma. I swear he could be president!!!

 

 

 

 

I think the first thing I would do is to stop, take a deep breath, and meditate on why you wrote a post titled " Prayer request for my idiot alcoholic brother and my family".

 

My idiot alcoholic brother.

 

And my family.

 

I have been told that the problem with giving oneself over to the Holy Spirit is that it means one is giving oneself over to the Holy Spirit. You (global you) don't get to demand. You don't get to choose the outcome. You get to ask. And how you ask is just as important as what you are asking for.

 

 

asta

 

 

ETA: I would be perfectly willing to offer up peaceful thoughts that your brother finds an alternative means of self-soothing for the obvious pain he is self-medicating against, but that would be it.

Edited May 7, 2010 by asta

[TravelingChris]

I will pray. :grouphug:

[specialmama]

Praying here, for all involved. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

I am praying. This month, I'll have 19 years of sobriety. It's a profound experience, both transformational and tragic, to be involved in the "recovery community" for that long. While there is always hope until "they" die, most of us die before we give up drinking and recover permanently.

 

You've gotten all the advice and wisdom I'd give. Well, if your SIL hasn't already, she needs to be telling her kids they are at greater risk for the same disease both genetically and environmentally.

 

You clearly have an understanding of the function of alcoholism in the body of an alcoholic (once we take that first drink). Why we go there in the first place and set the bio-chemical mechanism in motion is complex.

 

Here is something I wrote elsewhere on the topic:

 

First, know that the end of acting out, being clean or sober is the *beginning* of recovery. It's not the end. It gives recovery a chance, but does not define or symbolize it. Removing the substance or behavior is the starting place; it does not represent health or recovery.

 

The above is important.

 

It's also important to know that recovery from addiction is a slow, slow, slow process. It truly takes YEARS. Not weeks or months. I married my xh at 2.5 YEARS clean and sober. Experienced people told me "it's too soon to make that choice", but I figured they didn't know what they were talking about. They did. I once had an AA sponsor who "didn't take anyone seriously until they had 5 or more years". I thought she was at least partly kidding; until I passed 5 years a few times over. I get it now.

 

Addiction is multi-caused. It always has a physical component. Always. Put alcohol in my body and (science has proven, btw), and my body reacts in a way to crave/need more. There are chemcial reactions to gaming, gambling, spending, sex, porn, etc that the individual physically becomes dependent. But if the disease/behavior were *all* physical, abstince would take care of recovery.

 

That's not the case. Abstinence gives recovery the chance. Because the real issue of addiction is emotional, mental and spiritual.

 

When abstinence starts, the process of recovery can begin. It's my experience, opinion and observation that recovery - true recovery - always comes from spiritual experience. This happens most often in 12 step or 12 step inspired settings; but is not limited to those settings. The hairy part is resistence to "meetings" or "12 steps" or other similar settings is usually nothing more than the function of denial and wanting to act out, use, drink, stay sick. I do not believe that AA or related places are the only places to get well. But I do believe that most of the resistence to them is not valid but rather a function of the illness itself.

 

Here's another truth; those intimately involved with the addict are ALSO spiritually sick. They are sick differently, perhaps (although having their own addiction is common), but they are also spiritually sick. They sought and found the addict out of unhealed places, stayed and participated out of unwellness and have gotten more sick as the addict has. That is why help, meetings, accountability and active recovery is essential for the related people.

 

So, back to recovery. There is a place in the AA Big Book (the main text) that talks about the alcoholic (substitute addict as needed) being "restless, irritable and discontent." The context of this statement is when that addict is *sober*. Unless they can find the fix to take the edge off, they remain unwell, unhealthy, unrecovered EVEN IF SOBER.

 

That's why a spiritual experience is essential. A spiritual experience can be sudden, and followed by a series of proven action. Or it can be experiential and over time, including a proven outlined recovery plan. If an addict is clean/sober/abstinent but not in active recovery, they will seek and manifest unhealth in a variety of ways.

 

IMO and IME, here are the essential elements for recovery - not abstinence but complete recovery:

 

1) PEOPLE. Specifically people who have BTDT with the issue involved.

2) Accountability to at least one person.

3) Growing, maturing, ongoing spirituality; belief

4) An honest, lead evaluation of your past.

5) Amends: verbal, written, ongoing, financial

6) Service work with others

7) Principled living; living according to His will and His principles

 

I do not believe (and have not seen anyone in my nearly 17 years of recovery) who has recovered without those elements in some form.

 

Yes, it has to be ongoing for the rest of their lives; but no, not as intensely as early on with such things as meetings.

 

Yes, recovery groups and organizations and systems are inherently human and flawed and do contain unhealthy aspects.

 

No, it is not ok to substitute another addiction to get over an addiction.

 

Recovery is like a spiral "up". You will revisit each human character defect at a deeper, more sophisticated level as the years go by. When I first got sober, I needed to not write bad checks and not steal toilet paper from the clubhouse where I got sober. Today, my issues with honesty and integrity are much less......base. But they are still issues.

 

There is a theory I agree with, to an extent, that personal development and maturity is halted and arrested in an active addict. I believe this is accurate. So, you may have a 35 year old who acts like they are 22; that is because the function of the addiction in their lives prevented them for age expected maturity, from growing through seasons in life; from growing up.

 

Here is a related truth: Drinking/using/acting out is the LAST act in a relapse. A relapse occurs before a person drinks (or whatever). When the relaspse is complete, that person returns to active addiction.

 

Therefore, recovery means staying in the active levels of recovery. I like to say there are "12 steps" between me and a drink. There have been times when I have relapsed (but not drank) into "7 steps" between me and a drink. Or 3. You get the picture. It's (not)working the steps in reverse order:

 

I stop helping others.

I stop praying.

I stop taking personal inventory and making amends.

I admit fewer character defects.

I do look at my behavior.

I do not give my life to God (I take it back)

I do not believe God can help me

I am not powerless over alcohol; I am in control.

 

It's scary stuff.

 

And, yes, selfishness, dishonestly, immaturity, and excess in many areas are common to unrecovered addicts whether they are drinking or not.

Edited May 7, 2010 by Joanne

[MariannNOVA]

I am praying. This month, I'll have 19 years of sobriety. It's a profound experience, both transformational and tragic, to be involved in the "recovery community" for that long. While there is always hope until "they" die, most of us die before we give up drinking and recover permanently.

 

You've gotten all the advice and wisdom I'd give. Well, if your SIL hasn't already, she needs to be telling her kids they are at greater risk for the same disease both genetically and environmentally.

 

You clearly have an understanding of the function of alcoholism in the body of an alcoholic (once we take that first drink). Why we go there in the first place and set the bio-chemical mechanism in motion is complex.

 

Here is something I wrote elsewhere on the topci:

 

What you wrote (which is in your post) is compelling. Thank you for taking the time to share this.